Lose-lose, but maybe that's the point.

Perhaps I've written about this before. It certainly has not been a single isolated incident in my life. But as of late, I have been facing a decision that has plagued me, tormented me, really, as to what would be the right decision. When I find myself in this situation, my first inclination, and perhaps rightfully so, is to pray for guidance. I ask God to show me the way to go. With this particular decision, I've gone so far as to beg God to treat me like a toddler in a busy mall: put Your hand on my head and physically turn me. But as I continue to plead for unquestioned guidance, I feel more and more like God is refusing. And I don't feel that it is out of His frustration with my indecision. This is a lesson I may need to learn that I simply couldn't if I relied on hand-on-head guidance.

As the decision has been laid out in front of me, it has seemed to develop its own new layers, digging itself ever deeper into complexity and confusion, making the decision more difficult by the day. I actually made the decision once, very clearly stating my intentions, but the decision refused to allow itself to be made, and it came back to me again, not just once, but four times so far. It has become so complicated, in fact, that something that started as a seemingly win-win situation has evolved into what I now feel is more of a lose-lose.

But maybe that's the point. Maybe every once in a while, I need to be forced to choose, even in a lose-lose decision, so that God can show me that He can turn which ever way I go into a win. And He can. Even if I make the "wrong" choice, will He not guide me back? Will He not chose to use it for good? We're told in no uncertain terms that God uses everything for good. Amongst all of the layers and shadows and minutia and cruddy details of this decision, it's so easy for me to forget God's providence and goodness. How much He cares for me. How He has provided me a distinct purpose.

Next week, as I force myself to sit down in one more meeting for this torturous decision, I will peel back the weight of the sheer pressure of making the "right" decision. I will take a deep breath, and I will confidently make a decision. And God will surely use it for good as I continue to chase His heart.

Snow-tastic

Look, everybody that knows me knows that I'm not a huge fan of snow. I'm not sure how I ever got this way. Maybe it's because I am perpetually cold (even in the summer), or maybe it's because I like the bottoms of my pants to stay clean for an entire day. More than likely it's because I don't feel particularly safe in winter - winter driving, winter walking, and let's not even make mention of the perils of winter sports...all dangerous. 

So, what's a person to do when they don't like winter. Well, I could choose to move south. In my career field, I'm not necessarily locked into a location forever, so it could be a possibility...but probably not for the next few winters at least. I could, as some have suggested, fake it, changing the way I think about snow altogether. I have tried to muster every positive thought about snow that I could manage, and although I happen to think that snow, at the moment it is falling, prior to roadsides looking filthy, is pretty, I haven't found much else to love about it. I could recite, "Snow is so pretty! Snow is so pretty! Snow is so..." over and over again while driving my car through it, but my guess is that the moment my tires slip or the guy in front of my fishtails, "...pretty!" will not be the thought that shoots through my head. 

I may have a few other choices, like living in complete denial. "Snow? What snow?" But people may quickly begin to think I've lost it. Or, somewhat related to denial - distraction. This is probably the route I try to go for this winter. If I can't beat it, love it, or fake my way through it, perhaps I can just fill my head with a thousand other thoughts...not too tough in my life; there are enough spare random thoughts to go around. Whenever a rouge and disgruntled thought of snow comes to mind, I will simply beat it back with thoughts of, well, anything else. Grad school projects, dissertation topics, how good the office coffee is today, what might happen next on Once Upon a Time, the last date I cleaned my bathroom, upcoming trips, summer vacation, the to-do pile on my desk...oh yes, I think I can come up with enough. It may not be the ideal solution, but for today, it's worth trying to keep me from being a winter-long scrooge. Nobody likes a scrooge, but maybe people can like an extremely distracted Lindsey.

Life-Changing

A few weeks back, I went to have dinner with Megan and Eric. Megan started to make dinner and I made attempts to be helpful. I like to cook, but I can be a little gun-shy in other people's kitchens. She was making cheeseburger soup (which was delicious, by the way). I watched her move around the kitchen comfortably, taking to tasks as she usually did, and I began to notice something very different between the way she cooked and the way I typically cooked. She began to brown the hamburger, and meanwhile set the table. After the hamburger was done, she added it to the soup base, and nearly immediately went to scrubbing the pan the hamburger was in. She opened a package, unwrapped a product, or shaved peeling off of something, and all waste was immediately brought to the trash. By the time we sat down to eat, every spare spoon that was used was in the dishwasher, every spill was wiped up, and every piece of trash was trashed, leaving just the pot of bubbling soup, a ladle, and the set table. 

You may be reading this thinking, "I don't get it. What's so special about this story?" Well, if you know me at all, when I cook, it's a hot mess. Containers of food end up everywhere, wrappers are left strewn about, dirty spoons line the counter. And when I'm done enjoying my delicious concoction, I usually look back at the kitchen with a fair amount of disdain, really regretting that I would now have to clean up a mess. 

Last week, I decided to try my wise friend's method of cooking-cleaning. The change did not seem so stark while cooking necessarily. I had plenty of time while waiting for water to boil or meat to cook to pick up the trail that accumulated for just that step. It wasn't until after the meal that I realized just how momentous this experience had been. For the first time, maybe ever, I looked back into the kitchen and didn't hate what I saw because it just looked like my kitchen rather than my kitchen piled high with a giant mess. I blissfully took my one plate and fork to the dishwasher, and put the leftovers in the fridge. Done. 

Usually when things are described as "life-changing" they are really pretty significant, like realizing you have the power to climb a 14,000-foot mountain or something, but this tiny little quirky trait of Megan's that I witnessed, attempted, and then promptly implemented fully into my life was truly, absolutely life-changing. It kind of makes me wonder what sort of other life-changing habits I could explore that I've been missing all these years. Could I be doing laundry better? Are there rules to gardening I've missed? Are there things I could become more efficient in at work? Life-changing things don't have to be huge, they just have to...well, change your life! Do you have a life-changing discovery for me? Can you teach me something that will revolutionize one itty-bitty piece of life for the better? I would love to learn it.

Normal

Every once in a great while, I get a reminder of what a "normal" person's life might look like: an unscheduled weekend with no plans, a night set aside to just watch TV, moments of tedium at work... My immediate response is almost always, "BO-RING!" What do people DO with that kind of time on their hands? How into one TV show could a personal possibly get? You mean your work looks like this every day? 

But I think I know why I usually have this reaction to many folks' "normal." I really actually view my life as "normal," and theirs as bizarre. And I am quite sure that on the other side of the coin, people think the same of me. To me, "normal" is that my only sitting still time is almost always coupled with research or writing time. "Normal" is spending 50-60 hours a week at work in a slow week. "Normal" is mixing passion projects into the tiny slivers of freedom I may find (like gardening, house renovations, cooking...). "Normal" is rarely sleeping in, even more rarely going to bed early, and never taking naps. "Normal" is cramming in time for health (like working out at least three times a week, refusing freezer-to-microwave meals, prayer, loud singing...). 

What? That doesn't sound "normal" to you? 

Yep, I know "normal." I feel "normal." And I kind of like "normal."

Eating Cake

I'm really not a fan of when people say things like, "Oh, well, of course you can have that huge piece of cake. With a body like yours, you can probably eat anything you want... Some of us aren't so lucky." Really? Is that really what you believe? That may have been the case when I was in junior high and high school, eating everything on earth with no consequence. But it probably was for you, too, snide, jealous person. 

In reality, the only reason why I can choose to have this giant piece of cake right now is because I have a date with four miles and treadmill tonight. And tomorrow. And Saturday. In fact, this year I might just eat lots of cake because I expect to have a few hundred dates with over 500 miles. I will add romance to those dates with lovely little protein shakes and energy bars, and I will entice and excite a few more miles with maybe a new pair of shoes or a cute workout outfit. And then, I will bask in the afterglow of every one of those dates, knowing I earned my piece of cake, and the glorious body that you are so jealous of right now. 

So, go ahead and keep publicly refusing cake and feeling sorry for yourself if that's the route you choose. As for me, I choose to have my cake, and my workouts, and my rockin' body, too!

Dear Future Husband

Dear future husband,

I've written to you before, but this time, I have one specific thing on my mind. Tonight I went for a nice hard treadmill run. It's the dead of winter, I'm not a huge fan of treadmills, but I went. Why? In fact, why do I workout at all? 

I mostly do it for me. I feel better, look better, and am better with every workout. It's good for my heart, good for my mind, good for every muscle I've got. I feel stronger than I've ever been. With each workout, I feel stronger. At this rate, by the time I'm 80, I will be Super Woman.

But secretly, I also do it a little bit for you. Someday when we meet, I hope to take your breath away. But I'm not going to show you everything right away. You will wonder why I dress so conservatively until we're actually married, and then you will understand. Even as a conservatively dressed lady, you'll have to beat back the other guys, keeping their eyes away from me. You'll hate that you've got to do this...until we're actually married. After that, you'll just smile, knowing that you're the only one that ever gets to take me home at night.

So, even though I'm intrinsically motivated to keep on working out for myself, know that you're always in the back of my mind.

Love, 

Your future wife

Actual Resolutions...why not?

Okay, so I had the hunch that I would need to add more discipline to my life this year. [Side note, when I revealed my "resolution" to the neighborhood when the inevitable topic came up at last night's party, I got a pretty expected response: "You? Discipline?" Oh, what little people know about people's lives...] But I've decided, in the spirit of discipline, that maybe I did need a few actual resolutions. Attainable ones. Ones that are good for me. So, here we go. 

1) I want to eat one fruit and one vegetable each day. 

This seems pretty simple, and for most people, is probably second nature. It's basic balanced diet science. But, in reality, I don't think I really do eat a fruit or vegetable each day. I maybe get one or the other in most days. But I would like to commit to eating one of each every day. Oh, and french fries don't count. Nor does a sprinkle of lettuce on a taco. Cheating on this is really just cheating myself out of better health. 

2) I want to log 500 miles.

I've seen a few friends publicly committing to this, and I think I can totally achieve it. Here's what I will count in my logging: running, treadmill-ing, elliptical-ing, biking, and serious walking. In case you're curious, it averages out to 1.67 miles a day. And everything else will just be bonus. Yoga, fitness classes, walking around campus...all just good things to do.

So there you have it. I've fallen victim to the cliche resolution-making tradition that so many do. Here's to discipline and new good habits in 2012!

The Theme of 2012

I rarely set New Year's resolutions; it just seems so cliche. But every once in a while, I just get a hunch, call it intuition, call in divine intuition of something that I should focus on. Lately, I've been feeling guided toward discipline. Now don't smirk. Just because my life is, um, full, doesn't mean that I live with a great deal of discipline.

Prime examples of my general lack of discipline include the general state of my house, for one. Piles of laundry on the floors of multiple rooms, dirty counters and dishes, stacks of mail in plain sight, general bathroom nastiness.... I do not have discipline in my own home. In fact, if anyone ever came over as a surprise, they might assume that I have several small children or roommates. But no. Just my own filth. 

School is actually another great example. I, as I always have, procrastinate most projects. And although I usually claim that the pressure of the time constraint makes me perform better, that is a lie I've convinced myself of. It's just a lack of discipline.

The state of my office. Waking up late for work. Inconsistencies in workouts and healthy choices. Mowing the lawn with any regularity at all. Reading scripture. Reading anything. 

In talking with a good friend the other night, in talking about someone else's life actually, she said that lack of discipline usually doesn't just affect one area of life. It bleeds into all areas of life. So, then the opposite must also be true: discipline leads to more discipline. If I can build a few good habits intentionally, then perhaps it will follow in other areas of my life and end up as a pretty significant change. And that would be very good.

2011: A Year in Review

This year is quickly drawing to a close, and as has become my usual habit, I thought I'd take some time to reflect on what in the world has all happened in my life. I have probably said this every year, but this year I mean it more than ever: as I get older, time only seems to go faster. Just about the time I've learned to really appreciate life, it goes to fast to even remember it.

2011 has certainly been a good year when it's all said and done, more positives than negatives surely. In fact, I feel quite blessed as I look back over the last year. 

I have successfully completed two classes at Edgewood in full-time doctoral student mode. And not only have a I finished them, I have truly falling in love with the work. I feel a certain academic sharpness returning to my brain and fingertips as I pour over articles, books, studies, and my own academic writing and presentations. And although I haven't come close to determining a dissertation topic yet, I think I will love diving into such a monumental project. Along the way, I hope to get published a time or two or invited to present at a conference or two, all in hopes of advancing my knowledge and expertise in my field to be able to serve my campus and my students better. All such things really just bring me joy. I know most people think that there must be something wrong with me to work so hard, at such a breakneck pace, but the fact of the matter is, I was created just this way, to fill my time with service to others, learning and growing along the way. 

At UD, I'm in my fourth cycle, and no two years have ever looked the same. This year, I was blessed with the addition of a co-worker in my department after flying solo for three years. Danielle has been such a wonderful addition to the department - so full of energy, fresh ideas, and a heart for students and their passions. And although this first year has been a lot of job sharing and shadowing rather than independent projects and assignments, I couldn't be more pleased. We've built a synergy that has blown the lid off of a lot of old ideas and really revolutionized how we approach a lot things on campus. I am always amazed to think that Danielle has only been out of undergrad for a year and a half. She is just so wise and steady. In my first years here, I had a fair share of meltdowns and tantrums normal to a fairly new professional, but if she ever melted down and got shaky at all, I never saw it. She is amazing, and I'm blessed to have her at my side. 

As for professional goals for the future, although still not much of a plan-maker, I can see for the first time, real possibilities for me to be a leader in higher education. As I continue through my doctoral program and various committees and leadership roles at UD, I can see real potential for myself as an administrator. Administration, even upper levels of administration, have always sort of been on my radar but maybe never really all that seriously. I struggle frequently with feeling too young, too inexperienced, to uneducated, but with each year that passes, I become, as one would, a little older, a little more experienced, and a little more educated. For the first time, deanships, vice presidencies, and even presidencies or chancellorships do not seem all that out of reach. So, I find myself, as I enter 2012, getting a little more serious about not only service to students and my campus, but also advancement opportunities for myself. Things like conference presentations and publications, professional mentor relationships, and intentional skill-building are all on the horizon for the upcoming year. The only word that adequately describes what I get to do for a living is love.

Speaking of love, my "love life" has sort of been all over the map this year, but I have spent another year without my husband's hand in mine. I dated a non-Christian 17 years my senior for several months that included several trips to Chicago, lots of fun nights out, and some pretty epic discussions on faith and values. And I didn't officially ever date a man that I ended up developing some pretty significant feelings for, but that wasn't meant to be either. And, of course, I went on a few genuinely awful blind dates, one provided by a neighbor that I am very thankful to have brought a few friends along to, one facilitated by nearly the entire UD football coaching staff on behalf of an offensive line coach who had apparently made it no secret that he was interested in me. But all in all, I can't say I'm disappointed in my experiences this year in the dating realm. With every experience, every awkward date, every heartfelt discussion, I'm learning more about myself, more about men, more about what relationships can be. And I hold on to the fact that God is far bigger than each of these experiences. He's far wiser, far better, and has a far more glorious plan for me. I have not lost hope; I have only gained a deeper more sure hope. 

My neighborhood continues to bring me surprising joy. The hodgepodge of random people that we are, we can still find common ground over summer Saturday potlucks, downtown festivals and city home tours, fire pits complete with marshmallows, and a good beer or two. Produce grows richly and is shared freely, and doors are always open. There aren't many neighborhoods left like this. People have become secluded and secretive, not looking for relationships of proximity anymore. We're not without our individual strangenesses, but we just decide to get along and enjoy each other because we're there. 

I added a few hobbies to my already crazy life, most notably of which was running. I always thought there was something different about runners than the rest of society. They were somehow more disciplined, more dedicated, maybe just more crazy than others. I was always sort of jealous of runners and the ease with which they seemed to float past, sometimes even with a smile and a wave as they went. Early this summer, I decided to try it, and as I suspected, I hated it. I made it maybe five minutes before I sulked back to the house, feeling completely defeated. But with the encouragement and direction of a friend from church, now affectionately called Coach, I tried it again, a little at a time, until I had convinced my body that it liked to run. All summer and fall, I made time to run, at first just two miles a day, then a few more, then I began to work at some distance. By late summer, I was up to almost five miles a day. Running, besides the obvious health benefits associated, has been a fantastic mental/emotional balancer. It creates the space that thoughts and emotions, especially the ones hidden somewhere down deep, need to bounce around, to expand and grow, and sometimes, just escape. 

So there you have it. A very good year indeed. As I look ahead, I'm excited about 2012. I honestly have no idea what it will hold for me. It could be as constant and steady as this year has been or it could hold big, life-altering experiences. Either way, I'm sure it will come and go with the same breakneck fury as years before, and I plan to dive in and enjoy every minute! Happy 2012 everyone!