Thoughts for Only You

Lose-lose, but maybe that's the point.

2012-01-24T21:26:00.002-06:00

Perhaps I've written about this before. It certainly has not been a single isolated incident in my life. But as of late, I have been facing a decision that has plagued me, tormented me, really, as to what would be the right decision. When I find myself in this situation, my first inclination, and perhaps rightfully so, is to pray for guidance. I ask God to show me the way to go. With this particular decision, I've gone so far as to beg God to treat me like a toddler in a busy mall: put Your hand on my head and physically turn me. But as I continue to plead for unquestioned guidance, I feel more and more like God is refusing. And I don't feel that it is out of His frustration with my indecision. This is a lesson I may need to learn that I simply couldn't if I relied on hand-on-head guidance.

As the decision has been laid out in front of me, it has seemed to develop its own new layers, digging itself ever deeper into complexity and confusion, making the decision more difficult by the day. I actually made the decision once, very clearly stating my intentions, but the decision refused to allow itself to be made, and it came back to me again, not just once, but four times so far. It has become so complicated, in fact, that something that started as a seemingly win-win situation has evolved into what I now feel is more of a lose-lose.

But maybe that's the point. Maybe every once in a while, I need to be forced to choose, even in a lose-lose decision, so that God can show me that He can turn which ever way I go into a win. And He can. Even if I make the "wrong" choice, will He not guide me back? Will He not chose to use it for good? We're told in no uncertain terms that God uses everything for good. Amongst all of the layers and shadows and minutia and cruddy details of this decision, it's so easy for me to forget God's providence and goodness. How much He cares for me. How He has provided me a distinct purpose.

Next week, as I force myself to sit down in one more meeting for this torturous decision, I will peel back the weight of the sheer pressure of making the "right" decision. I will take a deep breath, and I will confidently make a decision. And God will surely use it for good as I continue to chase His heart.

Snow-tastic

2012-01-24T14:57:00.000-06:00

Look, everybody that knows me knows that I'm not a huge fan of snow. I'm not sure how I ever got this way. Maybe it's because I am perpetually cold (even in the summer), or maybe it's because I like the bottoms of my pants to stay clean for an entire day. More than likely it's because I don't feel particularly safe in winter - winter driving, winter walking, and let's not even make mention of the perils of winter sports...all dangerous.

So, what's a person to do when they don't like winter. Well, I could choose to move south. In my career field, I'm not necessarily locked into a location forever, so it could be a possibility...but probably not for the next few winters at least. I could, as some have suggested, fake it, changing the way I think about snow altogether. I have tried to muster every positive thought about snow that I could manage, and although I happen to think that snow, at the moment it is falling, prior to roadsides looking filthy, is pretty, I haven't found much else to love about it. I could recite, "Snow is so pretty! Snow is so pretty! Snow is so..." over and over again while driving my car through it, but my guess is that the moment my tires slip or the guy in front of my fishtails, "...pretty!" will not be the thought that shoots through my head.

I may have a few other choices, like living in complete denial. "Snow? What snow?" But people may quickly begin to think I've lost it. Or, somewhat related to denial - distraction. This is probably the route I try to go for this winter. If I can't beat it, love it, or fake my way through it, perhaps I can just fill my head with a thousand other thoughts...not too tough in my life; there are enough spare random thoughts to go around. Whenever a rouge and disgruntled thought of snow comes to mind, I will simply beat it back with thoughts of, well, anything else. Grad school projects, dissertation topics, how good the office coffee is today, what might happen next on Once Upon a Time, the last date I cleaned my bathroom, upcoming trips, summer vacation, the to-do pile on my desk...oh yes, I think I can come up with enough. It may not be the ideal solution, but for today, it's worth trying to keep me from being a winter-long scrooge. Nobody likes a scrooge, but maybe people can like an extremely distracted Lindsey.

Life-Changing

2012-01-21T11:33:00.001-06:00

A few weeks back, I went to have dinner with Megan and Eric. Megan started to make dinner and I made attempts to be helpful. I like to cook, but I can be a little gun-shy in other people's kitchens. She was making cheeseburger soup (which was delicious, by the way). I watched her move around the kitchen comfortably, taking to tasks as she usually did, and I began to notice something very different between the way she cooked and the way I typically cooked. She began to brown the hamburger, and meanwhile set the table. After the hamburger was done, she added it to the soup base, and nearly immediately went to scrubbing the pan the hamburger was in. She opened a package, unwrapped a product, or shaved peeling off of something, and all waste was immediately brought to the trash. By the time we sat down to eat, every spare spoon that was used was in the dishwasher, every spill was wiped up, and every piece of trash was trashed, leaving just the pot of bubbling soup, a ladle, and the set table.

You may be reading this thinking, "I don't get it. What's so special about this story?" Well, if you know me at all, when I cook, it's a hot mess. Containers of food end up everywhere, wrappers are left strewn about, dirty spoons line the counter. And when I'm done enjoying my delicious concoction, I usually look back at the kitchen with a fair amount of disdain, really regretting that I would now have to clean up a mess.

Last week, I decided to try my wise friend's method of cooking-cleaning. The change did not seem so stark while cooking necessarily. I had plenty of time while waiting for water to boil or meat to cook to pick up the trail that accumulated for just that step. It wasn't until after the meal that I realized just how momentous this experience had been. For the first time, maybe ever, I looked back into the kitchen and didn't hate what I saw because it just looked like my kitchen rather than my kitchen piled high with a giant mess. I blissfully took my one plate and fork to the dishwasher, and put the leftovers in the fridge. Done.

Usually when things are described as "life-changing" they are really pretty significant, like realizing you have the power to climb a 14,000-foot mountain or something, but this tiny little quirky trait of Megan's that I witnessed, attempted, and then promptly implemented fully into my life was truly, absolutely life-changing. It kind of makes me wonder what sort of other life-changing habits I could explore that I've been missing all these years. Could I be doing laundry better? Are there rules to gardening I've missed? Are there things I could become more efficient in at work? Life-changing things don't have to be huge, they just have to...well, change your life! Do you have a life-changing discovery for me? Can you teach me something that will revolutionize one itty-bitty piece of life for the better? I would love to learn it.

Normal

2012-01-20T19:51:00.001-06:00

Every once in a great while, I get a reminder of what a "normal" person's life might look like: an unscheduled weekend with no plans, a night set aside to just watch TV, moments of tedium at work... My immediate response is almost always, "BO-RING!" What do people DO with that kind of time on their hands? How into one TV show could a personal possibly get? You mean your work looks like this every day?

But I think I know why I usually have this reaction to many folks' "normal." I really actually view my life as "normal," and theirs as bizarre. And I am quite sure that on the other side of the coin, people think the same of me. To me, "normal" is that my only sitting still time is almost always coupled with research or writing time. "Normal" is spending 50-60 hours a week at work in a slow week. "Normal" is mixing passion projects into the tiny slivers of freedom I may find (like gardening, house renovations, cooking...). "Normal" is rarely sleeping in, even more rarely going to bed early, and never taking naps. "Normal" is cramming in time for health (like working out at least three times a week, refusing freezer-to-microwave meals, prayer, loud singing...).

What? That doesn't sound "normal" to you?

Yep, I know "normal." I feel "normal." And I kind of like "normal."

Eating Cake

2012-01-05T14:16:00.001-06:00

I'm really not a fan of when people say things like, "Oh, well, of course you can have that huge piece of cake. With a body like yours, you can probably eat anything you want... Some of us aren't so lucky." Really? Is that really what you believe? That may have been the case when I was in junior high and high school, eating everything on earth with no consequence. But it probably was for you, too, snide, jealous person.

In reality, the only reason why I can choose to have this giant piece of cake right now is because I have a date with four miles and treadmill tonight. And tomorrow. And Saturday. In fact, this year I might just eat lots of cake because I expect to have a few hundred dates with over 500 miles. I will add romance to those dates with lovely little protein shakes and energy bars, and I will entice and excite a few more miles with maybe a new pair of shoes or a cute workout outfit. And then, I will bask in the afterglow of every one of those dates, knowing I earned my piece of cake, and the glorious body that you are so jealous of right now.

So, go ahead and keep publicly refusing cake and feeling sorry for yourself if that's the route you choose. As for me, I choose to have my cake, and my workouts, and my rockin' body, too!

Dear Future Husband

2012-01-03T20:43:00.000-06:00

Dear future husband,

I've written to you before, but this time, I have one specific thing on my mind. Tonight I went for a nice hard treadmill run. It's the dead of winter, I'm not a huge fan of treadmills, but I went. Why? In fact, why do I workout at all?

I mostly do it for me. I feel better, look better, and am better with every workout. It's good for my heart, good for my mind, good for every muscle I've got. I feel stronger than I've ever been. With each workout, I feel stronger. At this rate, by the time I'm 80, I will be Super Woman.

But secretly, I also do it a little bit for you. Someday when we meet, I hope to take your breath away. But I'm not going to show you everything right away. You will wonder why I dress so conservatively until we're actually married, and then you will understand. Even as a conservatively dressed lady, you'll have to beat back the other guys, keeping their eyes away from me. You'll hate that you've got to do this...until we're actually married. After that, you'll just smile, knowing that you're the only one that ever gets to take me home at night.

So, even though I'm intrinsically motivated to keep on working out for myself, know that you're always in the back of my mind.

Love,

Your future wife

Actual Resolutions...why not?

2012-01-01T16:34:00.002-06:00

Okay, so I had the hunch that I would need to add more discipline to my life this year. [Side note, when I revealed my "resolution" to the neighborhood when the inevitable topic came up at last night's party, I got a pretty expected response: "You? Discipline?" Oh, what little people know about people's lives...] But I've decided, in the spirit of discipline, that maybe I did need a few actual resolutions. Attainable ones. Ones that are good for me. So, here we go.

1) I want to eat one fruit and one vegetable each day.

This seems pretty simple, and for most people, is probably second nature. It's basic balanced diet science. But, in reality, I don't think I really do eat a fruit or vegetable each day. I maybe get one or the other in most days. But I would like to commit to eating one of each every day. Oh, and french fries don't count. Nor does a sprinkle of lettuce on a taco. Cheating on this is really just cheating myself out of better health.

2) I want to log 500 miles.

I've seen a few friends publicly committing to this, and I think I can totally achieve it. Here's what I will count in my logging: running, treadmill-ing, elliptical-ing, biking, and serious walking. In case you're curious, it averages out to 1.67 miles a day. And everything else will just be bonus. Yoga, fitness classes, walking around campus...all just good things to do.

So there you have it. I've fallen victim to the cliche resolution-making tradition that so many do. Here's to discipline and new good habits in 2012!

The Theme of 2012

2011-12-29T21:41:00.000-06:00

I rarely set New Year's resolutions; it just seems so cliche. But every once in a while, I just get a hunch, call it intuition, call in divine intuition of something that I should focus on. Lately, I've been feeling guided toward discipline. Now don't smirk. Just because my life is, um, full, doesn't mean that I live with a great deal of discipline.

Prime examples of my general lack of discipline include the general state of my house, for one. Piles of laundry on the floors of multiple rooms, dirty counters and dishes, stacks of mail in plain sight, general bathroom nastiness.... I do not have discipline in my own home. In fact, if anyone ever came over as a surprise, they might assume that I have several small children or roommates. But no. Just my own filth.

School is actually another great example. I, as I always have, procrastinate most projects. And although I usually claim that the pressure of the time constraint makes me perform better, that is a lie I've convinced myself of. It's just a lack of discipline.

The state of my office. Waking up late for work. Inconsistencies in workouts and healthy choices. Mowing the lawn with any regularity at all. Reading scripture. Reading anything.

In talking with a good friend the other night, in talking about someone else's life actually, she said that lack of discipline usually doesn't just affect one area of life. It bleeds into all areas of life. So, then the opposite must also be true: discipline leads to more discipline. If I can build a few good habits intentionally, then perhaps it will follow in other areas of my life and end up as a pretty significant change. And that would be very good.

2011: A Year in Review

2011-12-29T13:23:00.003-06:00

This year is quickly drawing to a close, and as has become my usual habit, I thought I'd take some time to reflect on what in the world has all happened in my life. I have probably said this every year, but this year I mean it more than ever: as I get older, time only seems to go faster. Just about the time I've learned to really appreciate life, it goes to fast to even remember it.

2011 has certainly been a good year when it's all said and done, more positives than negatives surely. In fact, I feel quite blessed as I look back over the last year.

I have successfully completed two classes at Edgewood in full-time doctoral student mode. And not only have a I finished them, I have truly falling in love with the work. I feel a certain academic sharpness returning to my brain and fingertips as I pour over articles, books, studies, and my own academic writing and presentations. And although I haven't come close to determining a dissertation topic yet, I think I will love diving into such a monumental project. Along the way, I hope to get published a time or two or invited to present at a conference or two, all in hopes of advancing my knowledge and expertise in my field to be able to serve my campus and my students better. All such things really just bring me joy. I know most people think that there must be something wrong with me to work so hard, at such a breakneck pace, but the fact of the matter is, I was created just this way, to fill my time with service to others, learning and growing along the way.

At UD, I'm in my fourth cycle, and no two years have ever looked the same. This year, I was blessed with the addition of a co-worker in my department after flying solo for three years. Danielle has been such a wonderful addition to the department - so full of energy, fresh ideas, and a heart for students and their passions. And although this first year has been a lot of job sharing and shadowing rather than independent projects and assignments, I couldn't be more pleased. We've built a synergy that has blown the lid off of a lot of old ideas and really revolutionized how we approach a lot things on campus. I am always amazed to think that Danielle has only been out of undergrad for a year and a half. She is just so wise and steady. In my first years here, I had a fair share of meltdowns and tantrums normal to a fairly new professional, but if she ever melted down and got shaky at all, I never saw it. She is amazing, and I'm blessed to have her at my side.

As for professional goals for the future, although still not much of a plan-maker, I can see for the first time, real possibilities for me to be a leader in higher education. As I continue through my doctoral program and various committees and leadership roles at UD, I can see real potential for myself as an administrator. Administration, even upper levels of administration, have always sort of been on my radar but maybe never really all that seriously. I struggle frequently with feeling too young, too inexperienced, to uneducated, but with each year that passes, I become, as one would, a little older, a little more experienced, and a little more educated. For the first time, deanships, vice presidencies, and even presidencies or chancellorships do not seem all that out of reach. So, I find myself, as I enter 2012, getting a little more serious about not only service to students and my campus, but also advancement opportunities for myself. Things like conference presentations and publications, professional mentor relationships, and intentional skill-building are all on the horizon for the upcoming year. The only word that adequately describes what I get to do for a living is love.

Speaking of love, my "love life" has sort of been all over the map this year, but I have spent another year without my husband's hand in mine. I dated a non-Christian 17 years my senior for several months that included several trips to Chicago, lots of fun nights out, and some pretty epic discussions on faith and values. And I didn't officially ever date a man that I ended up developing some pretty significant feelings for, but that wasn't meant to be either. And, of course, I went on a few genuinely awful blind dates, one provided by a neighbor that I am very thankful to have brought a few friends along to, one facilitated by nearly the entire UD football coaching staff on behalf of an offensive line coach who had apparently made it no secret that he was interested in me. But all in all, I can't say I'm disappointed in my experiences this year in the dating realm. With every experience, every awkward date, every heartfelt discussion, I'm learning more about myself, more about men, more about what relationships can be. And I hold on to the fact that God is far bigger than each of these experiences. He's far wiser, far better, and has a far more glorious plan for me. I have not lost hope; I have only gained a deeper more sure hope.

My neighborhood continues to bring me surprising joy. The hodgepodge of random people that we are, we can still find common ground over summer Saturday potlucks, downtown festivals and city home tours, fire pits complete with marshmallows, and a good beer or two. Produce grows richly and is shared freely, and doors are always open. There aren't many neighborhoods left like this. People have become secluded and secretive, not looking for relationships of proximity anymore. We're not without our individual strangenesses, but we just decide to get along and enjoy each other because we're there.

I added a few hobbies to my already crazy life, most notably of which was running. I always thought there was something different about runners than the rest of society. They were somehow more disciplined, more dedicated, maybe just more crazy than others. I was always sort of jealous of runners and the ease with which they seemed to float past, sometimes even with a smile and a wave as they went. Early this summer, I decided to try it, and as I suspected, I hated it. I made it maybe five minutes before I sulked back to the house, feeling completely defeated. But with the encouragement and direction of a friend from church, now affectionately called Coach, I tried it again, a little at a time, until I had convinced my body that it liked to run. All summer and fall, I made time to run, at first just two miles a day, then a few more, then I began to work at some distance. By late summer, I was up to almost five miles a day. Running, besides the obvious health benefits associated, has been a fantastic mental/emotional balancer. It creates the space that thoughts and emotions, especially the ones hidden somewhere down deep, need to bounce around, to expand and grow, and sometimes, just escape.

So there you have it. A very good year indeed. As I look ahead, I'm excited about 2012. I honestly have no idea what it will hold for me. It could be as constant and steady as this year has been or it could hold big, life-altering experiences. Either way, I'm sure it will come and go with the same breakneck fury as years before, and I plan to dive in and enjoy every minute! Happy 2012 everyone!

A good/weird Christmas

2011-12-27T19:14:00.001-06:00

I have to say that this Christmas season has been slightly strange. Christmas itself was very much like it's always been - reflective, traditional, quiet, filled with anticipation and gratitude. Minus the snow, this Christmas looked like so many Chirstmases before. I am so very thankful for Christmas. It's the season that we remember the reason for our very existence, our hope.

Happenstancically, some strange events took place this Christmas. They would have been strange no matter the season but perhaps were made even stranger by the season. But the events of recent actually put Christmas and life in perspective a bit. They caused me to remember that I am completely human. I have ridiculous emotions and expectations. I am fickle, hard to deal with, unpredictable. So very human.

It strikes me this Christmas, as I am made completely aware of my own humanity, to what extreme God had to humble Himself, how far He had to shrink, how much of His power He had to set aside to become human, a baby no less. And although He was perfect, failing in nothing, lacking in nothing, He still experienced humanity, all of it. He got angry, was disappointed, knew joy, went hungry... He had to. How hard that must have been to decide to do...all to save us...all because He loved us.

So, although this Christmas was quite strange, it was still very good. And that, I think, is usually how it goes - hard and good things come together. It's how we grow. And that's what life is all about. From beginning to end, we grow. How lucky we are that God chose to love us. Chose to become human. All so that we could live.

Catching Up

2011-12-21T21:32:00.000-06:00

Okay, so it's been a few months. But please don't judge! I've written more words in the last few months than I have in maybe the last few years. And although academic writing is nothing like my usual style, it seems that perhaps in my world, there is a maximum word cap per month. This term, I've written several fairly significant works in my grad program that I'm really proud of, but it seems to have left me a little quiet on the reflection side of life.

So what's been happening in my life these days anyway?

Well, there's the whole grad school thing. I love being back in school. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's been a challenge. I've lost out on sleep, social time, work time...but I've gained a new network of professionals from around Wisconsin, confidence, and the small start to a body of my own academic/professional writing. It's a little hard/great to believe that I'm officially 1/6th complete with my doctoral degree. It's just such an amazing blessing to even have the opportunity to be in school. Don't tell anyone, but I'm secretly more than a little excited to get started on my dissertation - the research, the literature, the joy!

In work, things are going so very well, too! Danielle and I are reinventing New Student Orientation one department at a time. At some point maybe I'll fill you in on all the details, but it's going to be great!

I got the chance to sing in several different Christmas performances over the past few weeks. Singing is one of those things that continues to bring me great joy. This weekend I will wrap up the Christmas singing season with both a Christmas Eve and Christmas morning song. I just love that I can touch people's hearts through something that moves us all.

The last few days have been quite strange. I've fallen into a quiet little lull. I'm between classes at Edgewood. Students at UD are on break. Church rehearsals are over. Holiday parties are pretty much done. So, at about 5:00 I roll on home, make some dinner, do a few chores, watch a little TV, and then go to bed. Then I get up, go to work, go out to lunch, and go home by 5:00. No homework, no practices, no late meetings, no work to do before the morning. Very strange. But I've been lucky enough to have a few friends to fill my nights with, something that almost never happens during busier seasons. This little lull, honestly, has made me thankful for my business. I mean, spending time with friends is wonderful! But laying around on the couch the rest of the time is obnoxious. I'd much rather be researching something, writing something, getting home late and going right to bed. It just all reminds me that I have a really great life.

A few other updates: the Gala was an extremely fun party, I met a great guy who may have already found this blog so I won't write about him yet, and I'm nearly four weeks behind in my running and I'm missing it dearly.

And that's about it. You're all caught up.

Doctor vs. Awesome

2011-11-29T23:28:00.001-06:00

Actual conversation with my brother last night:

Mitch: ...I have so much going on...I have to get my party planned, get in shape, get a tan, get some new clothes...
Me: Yeah, pretty much all I've thought about lately is getting work done and school work done...
Mitch: Haha.
Me: My life is lame, but hey, I'm going to be a doctor, so I can't complain too much.

Mitch: Lol and I'm just going to be awesome.

Life is nothing short of frantic these days between long days at work and long nights at the homework. But somehow, I don't hate it. In fact, I can't say I could really imagine life any other way. What would I be doing if not all this stuff? Would I be socializing with friends more? Maybe. Would I be married with kiddos? Hard to say. Would I most likely just find another project to keep me equally busy? That sounds about right.

I do every now and then long for the days that I could just curl up on a Sunday afternoon and take a good long nap. Heck, I even find myself longing for the days that I could get enough laundry done to wear clean clothes to work. But all in all, this whole work/school=busy/life combo isn't just all that bad.

And as for the doctor versus awesome debate, I'll let it go for now, but I'm secretly hoping that it is possible to be both doctor and awesome in the same lifetime, however if I had to choose just one, Mitch can have awesome all to himself.

Oh, and I miss you, blog friends. It has been quite some time since I've written much of anything (outside of academic writing, of course), and I've had about 400 random reflection moments that I wish I could have taken time to share with you. My guess is that many of them will come around again; they usually do, and when I get a short break from my studies (Christmas to mid-January), perhaps I'll spend some time catching up.

Stuff to Memory Ratio

2011-11-06T21:20:00.000-06:00

Over the past few weeks/months, I have determined that there is a direct inverse relationship between the amount of stuff one deals with in life and ones ability to keep it all straight. This seems obvious, does it not? Yeah, well, it's only apparently obvious when you don't have a lot of stuff to keep track of.

Today, I missed a meeting on campus that I was supposed to be at. A three hour meeting. A three hour meeting that I had to sit through three other meetings in preparation for. A three hour meeting that I had to sit through three other meetings in preparation for that I had a fairly crucial role in.

It was on my calendar. It was in my email. It was in my paper planner. One of the preparation meetings was this past week.

And somehow, I blew it off. My excuse? I didn't have one. In fact, while I was missing the meeting, I was doing all sorts of great and relaxing things that were not work. I went for a run before the sun went down. I took a little nap to recover from the tough run. I ate some dinner, starting working on some homework, watched some TV...

I really do not like the relationship between stuff and memory. It is pretty adverse to my current situation. I've got some stuff going on. Work, school, church, friends, family... but is there a tipping point in this relationship? Is there a point where the stuff is too great and the memory too poor to be effective? And if I'm at that tipping point, how do I crawl back to the less stuff/more memory side of the teeter totter? I suppose the only logical thing to do would be to reduce the stuff. So...what to reduce? It can't really be work. It most definitely can't be school if I intend to graduate. That leaves church, friends, and family. I'm not sure I really like the sounds of reducing my commitments to any of those things. So, I suppose I will have to accept the fact that with stuff comes memory issues. And with memory issues comes mistakes like my missed meeting tonight.

God, grant me clarity, a straight brain, and the ability to deal with all the stuff. Help me reduce the stuff to be reliable, useful, and effective in all areas of my life. I want to do well to please You. I want to honor you with all the stuff rather than just doing stuff for stuff's sake. Guide me in obedience and faithfulness in everything I do.

God is bigger than that.

2011-10-23T19:04:00.000-05:00

I've decided that God is bigger than my desire to get married. This may seem a little out of left field somewhere, but as more and more of my friends get married and have babies, and as I approach birthday "golden plus two", the topic of my singleness finds itself at the forefront of my mind more often than I'd wish it lately.

Anyway, I've decided that I've made God too small. Although I've prayed for my husband to show up at my doorstep, I've far too often doubted that he'll ever really come. I've contemplated far too many back up plans for what I'll do if I end up alone. I've spent too many hours dreading the possibility of becoming that crazy middle aged single lady (you know the type). I've gone on far too many first dates of desperation only to end up disappointed. But no more.

God gave me a desire in my heart to be a loving wife and mother. He built it into me. And not having found a husband is not some sort of punishment for wrongdoings or a withholding for not being faithful enough or good enough. It just is what it is. But no longer will I assume that because this is something I want, God will somehow keep it from me. No longer will I think that God can't or won't bring my husband to me. No longer will I scoff at God's assured "something far better" than my own plans. God is bigger than all of that.

Here's what I know:

God is bigger than all of my deepest desires.

God is better at finding my husband than all of my friends' setups.

God is wiser than all of the marital advice I've ever received.

God knows what He's doing.

God does not make mistakes.

God is big. God is love. God is joy.

What does this mean for my immediate future? I surely haven't a clue. I don't feel particularly led to steer clear of dating and setups altogether. I just know that I'll be praying differently starting today than I have for years. And that's a great starting point I think.

Stop Reflecting?

2011-10-12T14:54:00.002-05:00

Today, I was talking with a dear friend who at some point in our conversation said, "You process and reflect more than any other human I know. Maybe you should just stop processing for a while and enjoy the ride."

Of course, you find me now processing the value and weight of this statement. Ironic.

Over the past few weeks, as I have struggled with lots of things like human limitations, managing chaos effectively, making and recovering from mistakes and shortcomings, I have had lots of thoughts about who I wished I was or was becoming. I wished to be more even-keeled. I wished to be able to control thoughts and actions better. I wished to be more perfect in my actions to live as a good example for others. I even wished just to be older to have more life experience.

But really, why do I want to be all of those things? Are they better per se than I what I have now? Do they make me a better person? Or will they make me react and think and act better? Probably not. They just make me different from what I am.

God has blessed me with a wild personality. With deep-welled emotions. With random life experiences. With a great, nearly uncontrollable passion and enthusiasm. He has given me those things. He has not made a mistake in creating me. He made me just as He intended. He made me. So to wish to have things that I don't have, to long for the giftings of others, well it's just silly.

There are reasons I act as I do...and for the most part, those reasons are good and pure. And in the times that I make mistakes, poor choices, negative reactions, well, that's human nature, and that's the very thing grace is for. God understands, or He wouldn't have created grace.

So, no, I will probably not stop reflecting on things anytime soon. After all, that's how I was made. But I will work to stop striving so hard to be the coveted other...the things that I am not and am not created to ever be.

Getting Back Up

2011-10-07T13:52:00.001-05:00

There is a human element to being human. I know. Surprising, right? Humans have imperfections, sinful natures, and all sorts of influences in our lives that cause us to act the way we do.

Looking back over the past three or four weeks, I have struggled mightily with my human nature, with my sinful self, with my own imperfections. I was running along at a pretty good clip, and I fell. Took a huge digger. Face-planted into life like I meant it. (Read the past three or so entries to just get a taste of what I've been feeling, experiences, doing.) People saw it. They watched me fall.

And here I lay, face-first on the ground (whether I wanted to be there or not) with a choice to make. How am I going to get up? Am I going to sulk, whine, and pout? Am I going to curse the ground for tripping me? Or am I going to humbly stand up, acknowledging that I fell, take a deep breath, and get back to running?

The beauty of falling down is not necessarily in the falling. We all trip and wipe out at some point. We make mistakes. We make bad choices. We hurt others. We act out. And if, like me, you're trying to live your life as an example worth replicating, the last thing you want is for others to see that. But the beauty of the fall is that we do indeed have the choice to get back up and get up well...and that there's a sort of defining moment that takes place that allows both faller and witnesses to learn from the experience. Humility, grace and forgiveness, strength, perseverance.

Today, I'm still face down on the ground. My knees and elbows are scraped up. My face is still maybe red from embarrassment. But I've decided that I will indeed get up and try to get up well. My hands and feet are moving, ever so slowly, to a position of recovery and strength. And before I even get up off of the ground, I'm praying that there is learning happening to me and others. And that learning will continue as I continue to get up.

And I know I don't have to get up all on my own. The gracious arms of my Father are wrapping around me, helping to pull me off the ground. And the voice that I thought even just briefly that I couldn't quite hear behind me whispers in my ear, It's okay. You can do this. It's time to get up and get back to the race. Here's the trail. Run.

Moments of Truth

2011-10-05T18:02:00.000-05:00

Today, I nearly lost it in my faculty/staff book club. This is not a great place to lose it, as it is a group of faculty, staff, and administrators, all of which are working with and/or above me at the university. Part of the very reason I decided to be in the book club was face time with others, a partly relational, partly political decision.

Anyway, in the book we're reading (Seven Pillars of Servant Leadership by Sipe and Frick), today's discussion centered around a person's "true north", the internal compass on which our core values rest, and "moments of truth". "Moments of truth" are those interactions you have with others that are sort of defining moments - those things that reveal our character to others through our actions. The example given was that in a particular airline corporation, customers, on average, interacted with five employees for about fifteen seconds each. But it's pretty much only those fifteen second interactions that customers base their opinion of the entire company on. Focusing on those little moments of interaction then becomes critically important to the success of the company and the satisfaction of the customers.

This discussion has me feeling extremely convicted today as I spent most of the day in an extension of the funk that I described in my last few posts. I was grumpy, feeling overwhelmed, feeling inadequate in every way. And I took it out on students. I griped in front of them, I was upset when they made errors or even in one situation before they even made an error, I displayed a bad attitude, and I, in general, made some poor choices.

Moment of truth.

In a fifteen second interaction, students took note of my body language, my language, my attitude, my actions. And they learned that how I acted must be okay. After all, usually Lindsey is someone we look up to, desire to emulate, learn from...this must be okay, too.

Not okay.

How do I deal with this as a leader? How do I force myself to conquer a bad day, to kill it with kindness, as the phrase goes? It's a lot of pressure to never be able to have a bad day, to never be able to act out a little, to be disappointed, to feel defeated. Because frankly, some days I just do. But students continue to watch and learn.

Aristotle said, "We are what we repeatedly do." But what if we don't want to be what we repeatedly do? What if I don't like what I find myself repeatedly doing? Human nature fights against what I consider to be some of my core values. Clearly, I am not alone in these struggles:

¹⁵ I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. ¹⁶ And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. ¹⁷ As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. ¹⁸ For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. ¹⁹ For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. ²⁰ Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. ²¹ So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. ²² For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; ²³ but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. ²⁴ What a wretched man I am! (Romans 7:15-24)

I struggle tonight in wanting to do well to make good choices, to live faithfully as an example worth emulating, as a reflection of Christ to the world but constantly messing it up. I know I need grace and forgiveness in my life, and that I'm not perfect and never will be, but I still feel internally tortured, knowing that I am not the great example of life I desire to be to others.

So what do I do? How do I grow? How do I become more faithful in my moments of truth?

Stormy Weather

2011-10-02T20:13:00.000-05:00

Have you ever had to run through a really bad storm before? You know what I'm talking about, the kind of storm where the rain seems to be heading in a more horizontal direction than a vertical one. Have you ever just had to be out in one of those, even for a few seconds?

That is what my life has been feeling like lately. All the time.

I can't look around. My arms are covering my face for protection from the wind and rain. I'm a little bit fearful. A little bit frustrated that it won't let up. More than a little bit hurried. Things just seem to come from all sides in a relentless, tormenting sort of way that after a while just drives a person crazy.

When you're out in storms like this, you hope for the best, that maybe you're shoes won't let your socks get so wet that you'll have to wring them out, or that you won't slip and wipe out between the front door and the car. You hope you can move faster than you usually do, as if that might keep you somewhat drier. All you can really focus on is that moment, that feeling of being out in the middle of it all, to be over.

I started thinking today, is this depression? But no, I am certain it is not. I've been through depression before. Depression is like a weight hung around your neck or from your heart. It's like an internal condition that you can feel, you know is there, and your decisions, your actions, your behaviors, all react based on that internal weight. My life right now, is nothing like that. It's more just like being a person caught in a rain storm with whipping winds and loud thunder and torrential rains. It's external forces acting upon me that seem to force my hand when it comes to actions, decisions, and behaviors. It makes me a little scared, a little frustrated, rushed.

But this weekend, I found a little bit of an awning to take shelter under - a few moments of peace amidst the chaos. I ran a peaceful, joy-filled 5K and did well. I spent a day with my dearest friend shopping, eating, relaxing. And I spent this afternoon with the two people that know and love me best in the world as they helped me around the house and the yard.

You don't realize how much those quiet moments mean until you're searching for an awning while running down the street in the rain. Those moments allow us to exhale deeply, dwelling in the reminder that the entire world isn't always stuck in a rain storm. And although I know I have to get back out from under the awning and run a little further to the next one, the fact that there is a next one is enough to keep me going.

Someday, the rains will stop, the pace will slow, the world will feel a bit less panicked and a bit more calm. This coming week, the awnings will have to be enough as I continue to stand my ground in the storm.

Filters (Or Jealousy of the Even-Keeled)

2011-09-22T20:39:00.003-05:00

I have had a few bad days in a row at work. Things have frankly just been awful. It seems I can do nothing right. I blow budgets, screw up paperwork processes I've gotten right for years, send out emails incorrectly, miss important phone calls...you get the idea.

And to pile frustration on top of frustration, campus technology issues still plague all that work there, whether it be a slow network, email clients force-quitting countless times a day, laptop hardware issues...things aren't going well.

All those things together make for a very tense and grumpy Lindsey. And what I have learned, okay, maybe knew all along...what has been exacerbated greatly by the constant dwelling at the end of a rope, is my complete lack of filters to be able to handle things appropriately. Most people would take a little walk, ask calm questions to find reasonable answers, just keep fighting through... Me? I yell...at my boss, at our secretary, at random students. I send inappropriate emails to departments that seem to be the cause of my most miserable state. I cry a little. I fly off the handle, throw a temper tantrum, then yell some more.

I am not an angry person. I don't have a lot of pent up anxiety or frustrations that I carry with me for days, weeks, years. I am generally full of joy. I consider myself an optimist, for Pete's sake! But when I'm at the end of my rope, I lose control. I can't help but type up a nasty letter in my email and hit send immediately.

And it's times like these that I look around and see normally functioning adults not doing this as a general rule. Colleagues can sit calmly and have a quiet conversation about the situation at hand while I stand over my boss's desk and throw papers at him. Coworkers can ride out the storm, remaining action oriented and solutions focused while I shoot down every suggestion they may make.

And frankly, I'm jealous. I'm jealous of whatever filter they have that I lack. The I-won't-blow-up-at-that filter. It's a simple even-keeledness that keeps people from freaking out, that holds their tongues and send-button-pushing-index-fingers back even if they may want to use them. I am not even-keeled. And the last two days, I've really been the very antithesis of even-keeledness...not a single level-headed moment has come from me in two days.

Yesterday, on my run, I started to ask God to teach me to be tempered, even, smooth, moderate...but then I stopped and took it all back. When people pray for patience, what does God give them? Situations to practice patience. When people ask for the ability to forgive wrongs, what does God show them? A few more wrongs to forgive. So, noooo, no. No thanks. I do not want to ask for temperance. Not if it means that I will be given more situations to practice such a skill. I don't want to ask for even-keeledness, unruffledness, moderation...because it seems to me that God will certainly provide me with ample opportunities to learn it if I do. And based on my performance over the last two days, I don't necessarily think it's a learnable skill for me. I'll just remain jealous of those that have the ability and rely on them to deal with things when they get really thick.

(Okay, so I realize that I'm becoming unreasonable here at the end. I really do want to learn these skills. I know several people who are absolutely gifted in this skill, and I need to ask them about it to see if I can learn a thing or two. And, because I know I need to, I will reinstate my retracted prayer for help in this area. Even if I really don't want to have to practice it any more.)

Blame Facebook

2011-09-21T22:12:00.001-05:00

Tonight, I accidentally got into the beginnings of an epic debate of the future of our nation that all stemmed from the recent changes to the look and functionality of the popular social media mogul, Facebook. If you have your own Facebook profile, you know that with each round of changes comes a rash of complaints, cheers, lovers and haters...Okay, so actually it just brings out the whiners and gripers that have nothing better to do than grouse about how awful change is and how ridiculous the new changes are...right up until they get used to them and accept them as the new normal.

But I digress.

Tonight, one of my friends posted a little we-hate-Facebook bumper sticker (for lack of a better term) on her wall. For you non-Facebookers, the wall is your space to tack anything you'd like. Everybody has one. Everyone posts status updates about what they're doing, what they like, what they hate, what they think is beautiful, ugly, or cute. Think of it as a public front-of-my-refrigerator but with WAY more insignificant, random, and cluttered stuff all over it.

Now, where was I? Oh yeah...

So, my friend posted this we-hate-Facebook thing as a reaction to the most recent unveiling of terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad changes. And I simply responded to some of her thoughts on some of the specific changes by saying something to the effect of: I think the most recent changes are in reaction to the sad reality of American youth's current state. The page looks the way it does to satisfy the younger generation's insatiable need for constant and multiple instantaneous inputs of data as their attention spans continue to be programmed into nearly nothing... (I may have gone on to say a little more here.)

And since it was on my friend's wall, one of her friends saw it and responded to me (despite our having absolutely no association with each other whatsoever) with something to the effect of: Sad reality? The only "sad" reality here is that our younger generation has created and organized information at rates never dreamed of by previous generations. And frankly, if the previous generation had spent more time on Facebook, maybe I wouldn't be paying so much in taxes and health care costs today. God bless this new generation for their advances. They will save this world.

A little dramatic, even for me.

But, not being able to resist the urge for a good solid debate, I, of course, responded. Well, if you call Facebook content "information"... I won't pretend to not frequent and even enjoy social media innovations such as Facebook and Twitter, but I work with college students for a living, and there are countless studies about the negative effects of technology, social media, etc. on how we function as individuals that are downright terrifying. Students are losing the ability to read, write, effectively verbally communicate, think critically, focus on any one thing for any duration of time, imagine... Sure, we may be creating information at a rapid rate, but what good will it do us if we lose the ability to analyze it?

And then, our poor mutual friend, an innocent bystander in the crossfire of civil discourse on generational implications of social media, took us off of her proverbial fridge. She'd had enough. And she probably regretted ever complaining about Facebook changes to begin with. But neither of the stranger-debaters were quite done. Oh, no. We each needed some sort of final word, a wrap-up justification for our online outbursts. I started it, I would surely finish it. So, I write on her wall asking why she took it down. I ensured her that I was being civil to this stranger that she knew and that there were no hard feelings, just a really good debate. And the stranger responded immediately: It's really too bad. I've got facts to back up my points all night long. Really sir? Now we're maybe losing a little civility. But in the effort to get the last word, I said: The tempting hook! We could battle with reports and data all night long (though I think we're probably actually talking about two different issues altogether), but I'll pass tonight. If we knew each other, it would be ON, but I'll try not to clutter this wall with anything else tonight. ;)

I stand by my points, as I'm sure this stranger also does, but I find it ironic that I was willing to pour so very much energy into such points regarding a few simple rearrangements of items on a social media site. And, not only was I, but so was another person.

I blame my work, my relationships with students that back up current data with practical experience.

I blame my passion of student issues.

I blame that random guy for egging me on.

I blame Facebook.

When Life Finds You

2011-09-10T12:37:00.002-05:00

Lately, I have taken note of some things that, at first glance, it looks like I have done, that I have discovered, that I have made for myself. Because as I continue to examine these things, I have come to find that many of them, I have not found at all. They've found me.

Running is the most real example of a part of life that has found me. For those of you who have known me for any amount of time at all, you've probably heard me utter the phrase, There's really only two good reasons to run as far as I'm concerned. I'm either really late or something's chasing me. What happened to that attitude? Where did that philosophy go? One day, I just woke up and started running (slowly and painfully)...and I've found in a few short weeks a love for the sport, and maybe even a talent for it.

Running was definitely not in the forefront of my mind for this summer. In fact, it wasn't even on my radar. It was a foreign concept that I only associated with pain, injury, and a special brand of insanity that I saw in some of my mega-running friends. So, I cannot claim that I found running. Running found me. And it found me at the very time that I would need to focus on health and balance, a time that I would need a distraction from the business and craziness of a very full life.

I think graduate school falls into this same category. What are the odds that a person can get accepted to both a full-time masters and doctoral program that one, did not require GRE scores to get in, and two, allowed me to work full-time while studying. I am fully convinced that education has found me.

Even some of my friendships have found me at the very times that I have needed them or they have needed me.

I don't consider this fate or happenstance or pleasant coincidences. This is God at work. This is a God that desires joy for my life, that wants my heart to be happy. And although I pursue Him and His will for my life, I still find that He surprises me by giving me unexpected joys. This year, more than any before, I am recognizing the gifts, even the little gifts that God gives to me, even when I'm not necessarily looking for them, and my heart is truly grateful for the many unexpected and beautiful gifts.

Having it All

2011-09-07T20:43:00.002-05:00

Today, I set up an interesting lunch scenario which ended up with a very interesting question asked of me.

Lately, I've wanted to be intentional with the limited time I have with my close friends. In an effort to do that, today I brought a friend to lunch with a list of questions I wanted to know of her. They were questions like, When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? and Have you learned anything new about yourself in the last year?

And after all of my questions were answered, on our walk back to the office, I was asked, What do you hope to learn in the next year? What do I hope to learn? Well...umm....

There are certainly things I plan to learn this year. I am a grad student after all. I will undoubtedly learn about my field, about research procedures, about students. And although those are important things to learn, I'm not sure those are things that I really want to learn....have a real desire to learn. I will probably learn more about balancing life, school, work, relationships...something that I've been learning for the past eight years or so. But I think what I've determined I really want to learn is how to have it all. I know that maybe sounds smug, but that's what I want to learn. I want to learn how to enjoy life; how to be intentional with time, with my relationships; how to balance time, hobbies, things I enjoy; how to get a lot of work done, a lot of homework done, a lot of cleaning, gardening, cooking, reading, running....

It sounds impossible right? Well, I want to learn about how to make it possible. And I want to do it all with joy. I think it is possible. And that's what I want to learn about this year.

All in all, my lunch today with my friend was amazingly enjoyable. We talked about all sorts of questions that helped me get to know her and her get to know me with intention, with purpose. We laughed, reflected, sighed with contentment. This lunch was the kick-off party to living with intention and learning how to really have it all. Who wants to learn along with me?

When I'm 28...

2011-08-30T20:39:00.000-05:00

With my 28th birthday coming up just around the corner, I took some time to reflect while running in the rain tonight, on what I want to do, see, be at 28.

When I'm 28, I want to dress like I'm 28. I have no earthly clue what that means, but I want to figure it out. I want to look nice at work, look fun on the weekends, look put together always. I don't want to wear things too big, too small, to long, to tight...I want to be classic, stylish, but not too trendy. I may need a personal shopper and a big birthday present to pull this one off.

When I'm 28, I want to be healthy. Really healthy. Not obsessive, gross-looking healthy, just really healthy. I started running this summer (and completely love it). I want to keep on running, more and more often. I want to go to every yoga class possible. I want to stay away from junk food and embrace fresh foods. I want to glow. I want to be hot. I want to feel really good about myself.

When I'm 28, I want to BE love. I don't just want to act with love, or look a little like love. I want to BE love, all the time, with everyone. I want to be thoughtful, share joy, surprise people. I want to be a reflection of Jesus' love in the world.

When I'm 28, I want to be the very best me. It's going to be a great year. :)

Running mantra for the night...

2011-08-15T22:24:00.000-05:00

Tonight, I decided to slip home just before sunset to try to get a run in. This running this is really catching hold of me. I seriously love it. But tonight, I decided that since I didn't have much time before the sun went down, I'd try to run a shorter distance faster than I had before.

Toward the end, I was getting pretty tired, and I could feel myself beginning to slow down. But just as that started to happen, I began to think, Persistence. Form. Trust.

Persistence: Your brain will always take your body further than your body can go. Push yourself. Conveniently, this is also a great mantra for life - persist through the tough parts because there will be better days ahead.

Form: When I get tired in a run, I find that I get sloppy. My arms start to flail side to side, I kick my own ankles, my feet hit the ground funny. This is how bodies get sore. This is how injuries happen. So, when I am at my weakest, that's when I need to focus on form the most. Strangely, this is also true in life. When the going is good, good form is pretty easy to come by. In tough times, it's easy to get grouchy, mean, short with people. Tough times are when it's most important to have and keep good form.

Trust: Sometimes I find it hard to trust my own body on a run. What if I can't make it that far? What if my legs get sore or my shins suffer? What if I have to walk home? But the worries are, so far, unfounded. My body always gets me home. I can make it as far as I am willing to persist. So far, my legs have held up just fine. Trusting in my own abilities, my own strength is important. I was made to do this right now (sounds a little like life, too, come to think of it). So, I just need to trust that I can.

Persistence. Form. Trust. Good for running. Good for life.

Dare I Say...

2011-08-14T21:35:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow marks the half way point of August. There's lots of work to be done, and lots of big things happening on campus yet this month. But dare I say, I'm doing more than just surviving August this year. I'm finding that I'm actually enjoying it! I'm at work a lot. I even worked most of today...a Sunday. I'm not bothered.

I'm finding myself proud of what I'm able to accomplish and shrugging off some of the things I'm not. Today, I finished a nightmare of a bus logistics schedule for a trip for 440 or so students and faculty. Finished it. I was pumped! My email is not a mountain, maybe just a molehill. Yay! My car's kind of full of random work junk. So what. My house is untidy. Such is life. My lawn needs mowing. Maybe tomorrow. My office can still be traversed from door to chair and back. A big plus. I'm eating well and working out more than once a week. Big deals, really.

Looking back of the past three Augusts that I have just barely squeezed through alive, all the terribly long days with short, sleepless nights, starving my way from day to day, missing meals and other such good-for-me things that should not be ignored, I am quite pleased with my ever-so-gradual learning curve finally catching up.

Those that came before me gave up far too soon. They got tired. I have somehow hit my second wind. I'm not tired. In fact, maybe I'm better than I was when I began. I've grown, matured, learned a thing or two.

So, here's to a fantastic August. One with no whining, no tears, no temper tantrums. One with some fun, some health, undoubtedly some extra coffee, and a little indulgence here and there. What a joy, what a surprise, what an August!

Running could be...

2011-07-25T22:58:00.000-05:00

Running could be a great personal challenge to take on at this point in my life. Not that I necessarily need another challenge. For most people, working 60 hours a week; going to grad school full-time; trying to participate in church, relationships, and home would probably be challenge enough. But I happen to think that pursuits and challenges feed off of one another. The more that's in front of me, the more I seem to be able to accomplish.

Running could be a great physical adventure. I like to push my body and see what it can do. I love yoga, mountain hiking, and volleyball for the same reasons. How far can I go? How consistent can I be? How many days, weeks, months, years can I maybe keep this habit up?

Running could be wonderful prayer and thought time. I'm finding even early on in my attempt at becoming a runner that my mind wanders from one topic to another, thinking about things that are current, troublesome, joy-filled... And I find myself drifting in and out of prayers, thanking God for relationships in my life, then recalling funny things my friends say; telling God my worries and fears, then deciding how I might best tackle them; asking God for things my heart desires, then pondering into the future about what my life might look like over the next few years.

Running could be very representative of life struggles. As I strive for another few minutes at a time, all I can muster right now, I can't help but think of the tough times that lie ahead of me in school and at work, and there will certainly be some. Running can easily represent those hard things. And if I can push through another minute on the trail, then I know somehow I can push through another day of craziness in the office. And on the days I don't really want to run, I get up and do it anyway because sometimes that's just how life works.

Running could be a real pain in the legs. There's a reason I haven't run before now. And that reason in my shins. They always seem to revolt upon the very thought of running, jogging, or even briskly walking with any sort of consistency at all. A flat arch and some tiny legs have certainly always been to blame. But, in all honesty, I could get three weeks into this running thing and have to give up completely because my legs just won't sustain such a lifestyle choice. And if that's the case, then I'll have to move on to something else. What, you ask? I haven't a clue. I've tried P90X, and I got sick of watching the tapes. I do yoga, but usually only once a week. Volleyball is seasonal and a minimal workout on our team's best days. Running just seems a natural choice, especially when the goal is to tackle something consistently that I can dual purpose with thought/prayer time and intentionality.

Running could be, at this point, either a really good or really bad idea. We'll know for sure in a few weeks' time when I've either fallen in love or abandoned it completely.

Thoughts on Being the Baby

2011-07-22T23:18:00.002-05:00

It has been a rare occasion that I have been the true baby of a group. In grade school, I fell fairly middle-of-the-pack due to my fall birth date. I was briefly one of the younger ones in my first job, but we were all within a few months. In my grad program at UWL, we were all close with a few exceptions on the older scale. But I found out today, that not only am I the youngest student in my doctoral program, I am the youngest by multiple years. I am the baby of the whole group.

In my cohort, there are fifteen students. In three total cohorts this year, there are around forty-five of us. We were all in a room together for three days. Walking in on day one, I saw the few familiar faces from my interview and a whole room of people from all walks of life that I had never seen before. I was nervous. So was everyone else. I couldn't help but think that I must be one of the youngest. Others were worried about how they were certainly the oldest. We're all a little curious how we're being perceived, judged, analyzed by other students and the faculty.

As the baby, even before it was confirmed that I was indeed so, I found some of my normal actions became things that I was a little self-conscious of. When my shoes came off and I found "indian style" the most comfortable seating arrangement, I suddenly glanced around and noticed all the other professionals in the room with their shoes clearly still on their feet which were clearly still on the ground. I twirled my hair and thought of the noticeable critical mass of mom-cuts surrounding me.

I think there's great value in having such varied perspectives in one program. I think I'm at the biggest advantage as the newest professional - so much to learn from the experts. But I can still offer a lot, too! I know cool technologies like Prezi that I can wow my classmates with and make them all seem really hip and with it with their colleagues. I can bring endless energy, heart, and freshness. I can bring just a touch of crazy.

Baby or not, this doctoral thing is going to be a lot of fun...a lot of hard work...a lot of frustration...a lot of research...a lot of fun. And I'm awfully excited about it.

First Day of School Jitters

2011-07-21T17:04:00.001-05:00

Yesterday was my first day of school. And although this is something like my twenty-first first day of school, it seems they all begin the same. With jitters. Nerves. Anxiety. This first day of school was no exception. In fact, as I left my dad's cousin's house (where I'm staying while in Madison) I thought I actually might be sick. I was sweating, antsy. On my way to school, at first, I was just dwelling in the anxiety. But the drive was short, so I couldn't dwell for long. So, as I pulled up to the building, I began a little self-talk to try to pep myself up. You're just as smart as everyone in this program. You deserve to be here. You got into the program just like everyone else.

But what I found when I got there was a room full of people that all had to do the same thing. They were all nervous too! People from all walks of life, all experience levels, all ages, all nervous. And for some reason, that little fact in itself makes everyone feel a little better.

Despite the initial jitters, I am so excited for this journey. I am excited, believe it or not, to do an extended period of research on a topic I enjoy. I'm excited to get to know my cohort group. It's going to be a tough, long, quick, fun journey. And I am so ready for it.

Just an Idea

2011-07-18T19:45:00.001-05:00

Is it just a girl thing? Or do guys do it, too? Or is it maybe just a me thing? Single gals, you may need to chime in and comment here to set me straight.

This has happened on more than one occasion. I have begun to "fall in love" with the idea of someone....someone, in fact, that I have never met. I have seen a picture or two, heard a story once or twice, and there I tumble. The daydreams begin. As does the googling. The looking for just one more photo. The hoping for another story.

I don't plan to ever meet this man of my imaginary dreams. I won't ever even probably ask to. It would probably be far to disappointing to meet the actual man after building a fictitious one in my mind.

Do all women do this? Well, the single ones at least? Are we supposed to grow out of this phase at some point? The looking longingly at his first name. Sneaking his last name behind your name just one time. Dreaming of hopelessly romantic proposals and weddings. Imagining Christmases with the family.

Sorry if this post is really strange. Every woman I know that reads this is probably shaking their head in bewilderment wondering how in the world I got to be so strange. And if that's the case, well, at least I'm going down honestly.

And in an only slightly related note, where in the world is the real man that will make my heart melt in reality rather than in dreamland? How do I go about finding him outside of my imagination? Twenty-seven years, and I still don't think I've come anywhere close to figuring this out.

And in truly unrelated news, on Wednesday, I start school one more time. I have first-day jitters worse than the first day of middle school tonight already. Time to prepare for another great adventure!

Living Off the Land

2011-07-14T22:02:00.000-05:00

What exactly is so very satisfying about living off of the land? I mean really?

Last night after work, I went out to the garden, picked three summer squash, a large hand full of peas, a half a dozen onions, and an entire ice cream bucket full, no overflowing, with green beans. I couldn't even wipe the goofy grin off my face walking back toward the house with armloads of fresh food.

Some of the neighbors were out in the backyard, and I couldn't wait to share the bounty with them. I told them to take whatever they'd like, and Mike promptly started pulling things out of my container. "What's this?" he'd ask. Summer squash? You've never seen that before? Weird. "Can I have some of these?" I did start with instructions to take whatever they'd like, right? Then Karen started to scold him for taking too much. As if more isn't going to grow. That silly contented grin just kept creeping in.

Late into the evening, I washed green beans and snipped ends and bagged them up, and somewhere in there, I cooked up some peas that were still growing just minutes earlier. And tonight, I blanched and froze up all of those wonderful little beans while roasting up some summer squash for dinner.

I don't have this kind of love affair with store bought vegetables, you know. I don't eat only vegetables multiple meals in a row. I don't giddily rush home to get to other chores. I don't risk bug bites, ticks, bird poop...for almost anything. But this time of year, when the whole garden is in bloom, it's all I can do to not go out and just watch it grow...to not seek out something to pick, pull, or pluck every single night.

I think I may have to expand this living off the land thing and figure out how to do even more of it, for the very joy of digging in the dirt, witnessing things grow, sharing with loved ones, and eating well!

Risk and Reward (a.k.a. Passion-Gap Containers)

2011-07-05T13:54:00.002-05:00

Why do we have hobbies? What makes a person pursue something that is just for pleasure (whether or not it actually appears to be pleasurable) even at great personal risk, effort, and time? And how do we get to our hobbies? Some people settle into quilting, classic cars collecting, model building while others are attracted to racing, sky diving, triathlons...

This year, I spent hours working out to get into shape for my trek out West with my dad to hike in the Rockies, then rode fifteen hours in a truck to get there. Then, for four days, I allowed five 14,000-foot peaks kick my butt as I tried to conquer them one by one....as a hobby.

Prior to this year, I never really stopped to think of how risky such a hobby was. For three years now, we've been driving to various locations around Colorado, hiking for a week or so fairly uneventfully (a great time with great memories), then driving on back. But this year, there was a series of events that made me stop cold in my tracks and really think about what it was that we were doing.

For the most part, we had a beautiful week to hike, and the peaks we had selected were within our ability levels. We had proper equipment, food, and hydration with us, a GPS preloaded with maps for all of the trails, good shoes, and layers of warm clothing as we usually do. But on the second day of hiking, I saw a story on the local news of some missing hikers. You hear of this sort of thing from time to time, and I've heard stories from other hikers on summits of injuries, lost hiking partners, instantaneous blizzards or lightning storms, but nothing ever hit as close to home as the story on the news.

A father and daughter hiking pair went out hiking on Wednesday, June 22 for a day hike up Missouri Mountain, a hike that would normally take somewhere between eight and twelve hours to complete. They were considered expert hikers with several years experience, and even some published articles on safety equipment and trail safety. At the end of the day, the hikers did not come down. They did not go back to their vacation home in town for dinner. They did not text or call loved ones. They didn't come back the next day either. Or the next. After three days, the ex-wife and mother of the hikers became concerned. So did the daughter's boyfriend. Finally, after five days, a search was started in the Collegiate Peaks Wilderness, an area that encompasses 167,584 acres of mountainous terrain, dense forest, and eight peaks over 14,000-feet. Helicopters, hiking teams, dogs, friends, and family all searched in vain for six or seven days. On Saturday, the bodies of the hikers were both found, 500 feet from the trail they were supposed to be on on Missouri Mountain, and only a few miles from the trailhead they started from. From Mount Belford's trail, my dad and I watched the helicopter land on a small flat space near some snow fields to pick up the last of the active search crews. News reports today indicate that they could have fallen as much as 2,000 feet from near the summit of Missouri.

And if that wasn't enough, we also heard on Saturday that a woman fell to her death on Mount Princeton on Thursday, a peak that we had tackled just the day before.

This is not some simple sport, not just something people pick up once a year or on the weekends for kicks. It's dangerous. Every peak offers life-threatening opportunities at many turns...exposed cliffs and walls, slippery scree fields, disappearing trails... So why do we do it? Why do we keep making plans and getting in shape and buying equipment, investing time, money, blood, sweat, and tears to go out and participate in the great risks that are clearly present? Something in us is designed for hobbies. Some place in us where passions meet irrationality. Where pursuits become personal vendettas against things that never did anything to us in the first place. Where your gut tells you, Yeah! Keep going! and your brain promptly agrees.

There are places in our lives where we get to pour passions, gifts, and abilities. For many, careers are the receptors. For many, it's family and children. For others its volunteering and serving others. For some of us, it's all of the above. But there are voids, gaps, where we still have passions leftover, gifts and abilities going unused. We seek out containers for the passion gaps, something with which to catch where those parts of us ooze out when left alone. Some seek out creative things, others things to get dirty and messy, still others to be able to just let loose and be free, some need a thrill or a rush, some a personal challenge.... And as these passion gap containers fill up with the drips of our gifts, passions, and abilities, we can peer into them and learn a little more about ourselves.

This week, I learned that although stubborn and bullheaded, I do have a cautious side. Ultimate freedom is too much for me. Boundaries, fences, and trails are good...even if they need to be pushed and challenged. They keep me focused. I learned that pushing myself expands my abilities and gifts to areas that I didn't even know they could be. Are those lessons worth the present risks? Because every hobby has risks...whether it's pricking a finger with a sewing needle, bug bites from the garden plot, a scraped knee falling off a bike, a parachute not opening with the ripcord... We were wired to seek out hobbies in order to seek out who we were created to be...making the risk completely worth the reward in every endeavor.

Be careful what you wish for...

2011-06-23T22:40:00.000-05:00

I do not know the origins of the phrase, "Be careful what you wish for!" But lately, that phrase has been ringing truer than usual in my life in a number of situations.

The other night, I went on a blind date of sorts - a set up by my next door neighbor. My neighbors are wonderful people who I adore and am very thankful for. But when a neighbor tries to set you up with someone (they've never met), one should not always accept the offer. But I guess I did invite it. I tell all people that know me well that if they know of people that I might get along with, they should introduce us. Perhaps some people are a better judge of personalities than others. (Long story short, the blind date did not go well...at all. We each brought several friends out for drinks so it was at least low key. But I got a text the following day asking if the friend I brought with me might be interested in a call from him. Neat. And she would not.) I need to be far more careful what I wish for!

At work, I'm getting a new assistant director to help me out with Student Activities. Awesome! But that means that in the next few weeks, I have to figure out how to hire, train, and get fully functioning a whole person...and myself. I can't even get myself organized for the fall most years! I am so very grateful for finally getting the help I so desperately need. I have no idea how I'm going to get everything done before students come back. Lesson learned - I need to be careful what I wish for!

I'm leaving on vacation in a few days. I love vacation. I love seeing my mom for a few days and my dad for a few days. (No, they're not divorced. We just like to do different stuff together.) I love the challenge of climbing to the tops of mountains and the relaxation of shopping and girl-time. Work is tragically busy right now. I have publications coming out of my ears. I'm way behind. But I want this vacation. Looks like I'll be dragging mass quantities of work along with me to Colorado. Oh, and my house needed some major cleaning before it would meet minimum-mom-standards...so that's what I got to do tonight. Okay, I get it! I guess I should be careful what I wish for!

This summer is shaping up to be one of the busiest, craziest, most wonderful summers ever. I'm excited, thrilled, calm, tense, and through it all, in remarkably good spirits. I have to keep reminding myself that I indeed did ask for much of what I'm experiencing this summer. I wanted a garden, thus I need to commit to weeding and keeping it nice and canning or freezing everything once it's ready. I wanted some help in the office, so I need to figure out how to get them here and give them a great experience. I want a husband, so I need to learn to take the bad with the good all as a part of the process...either that or figure out how to find him all by myself.

Perhaps the lesson, "Be careful what you wish for!" is really code for, "For every decision you make, there is a consequence. You're going to have to deal with that." :)

Like a fight with a boyfriend...

2011-06-02T23:19:00.000-05:00

The past few weeks at the university have been tough to say the very least. It's been a lot like being in a fight with a boyfriend. There has been frustration at every turn, and I walk away from this week feeling defeated.

First, after playing middleman between Admissions, the Registrars Office, and Technology. The reason for me being in the middle? Well, mainly because it was all my idea. (What idea, you're asking yourself...it doesn't really matter.) But I ended up smack in the middle, and the only way my brilliant idea was going to take off was for me to stay right there doing tasks that I frankly had no business doing. But, I took it as sort of a challenge, and I went about my additional work willingly and with a smile. But today, out of left field, it all came crashing down. One part of the department triangle decided that what we were doing can't be done, then the other starting asking all sorts of questions, and then it all collapsed. We would just no longer do what we were doing. The end. Crushing. I worked so hard for that, and one person can just cabosh it? Just like that?

And then there was the whole issue of my personal reimbursement. I purchased a significant amount of Visa gift cards with my own credit card for a student organization (about as much as my entire monthly paycheck). It launched an entire barrage of questions about the legalities of the whole thing and requests for more and more information, none of which I could really provide, at least not on solid truth. I tried my dutiful best to get that information, I really did. At first, the entire reimbursement was delayed a week (reminder: about as much as I get paid in a month), then it was agreed that I would receive a portion. Then the rest was delayed for three more terrifying, terrible weeks. I will receive the last of it tomorrow, but not without a whole armload of scoldings and warnings. So, even though I didn't do anything wrong, I certainly felt like I did in the end.

I feel terrible about how these weeks have gone. I love what I do, and I love where I get to do it. But the past few weeks challenged that love in a real way and caused me to question why and how I do some things. I no longer maintain a blind faith that my campus will always take care of me and have my best interest (or students' best interest for that matter) in mind. There is a new layer of skepticism that I don't want to be there, but as a matter of self-preservation, it will probably have to remain for a while.

Like a fight with a boyfriend, the past few weeks have left me with some open wounds that I'll have to continue to deal with. It lingers much longer than just these weeks. I'm very glad that I will only have to make it through a half a day more this week. I need some healing time this weekend in order to gear up for next week.

Ahead and Behind

2011-05-30T22:15:00.003-05:00

Can someone please explain to me how I can simultaneously feel so far ahead and so far behind on things lately? And not just a few things. It seems like everything is suspended in this weird cosmic taffy pulling machine.

I've been seemingly cruising along nicely in all things New Student Orientation - getting a theme to the University Relations folks, setting up the schedule, making plans to change things from last year, getting quotes and contracts tidied up... But then I stop and think about all there is to do yet - completing said contracts, working out the kinks in my budget, getting training planned for the mentors, getting faculty and staff on board, planning meal menus and traffic flow patterns and information delivery methods...Oh how very much there is yet to do!

And the same ahead/behind theory applies to my home and personal life, too. I've got my garden planted and veggies springing up everywhere, but I don't have a single herb in a planter or my flowerbeds weeded. I managed to mow but not trim this weekend. The laundry's clean and folded but all over the living room floor. See what I mean? Ahead and behind.

And well beyond simple and mundane tasks, the theory seems to still hold true. Look at all I've accomplished already in life! I joke frequently about getting to live three times the amount of life that everyone else does just because I pack so much in. And it's a wonderful life if I do say so myself. I'm not even thirty and somehow I've found the career path that I plan to stick with in one form or another, I have a house that I love, I (usually) can pay all of my bills and live a fiscally competent life, and I am about to embark on the educational journey of completing my doctorate degree. But there are, several things that I feel have been left far behind, for one reason or another. My ability to build and maintain healthy, strong, lasting relationships with others (friends and loves) always seems to suffer to one cause or another.

Perhaps the solution to this whole mess is that I take a break or slow down on some of the things I'm so very ahead on in order to play catch up with the things I've fallen behind on. Simple concept in theory, right? Somehow I think that if it was that simple, I would have already figured it out by now...

Post-Non-Rapture Funk

2011-05-22T13:17:00.000-05:00

I did not believe the rapture was coming yesterday. Not even for a second. However, having a publicly professed rapture date by some "prophet" that thought he really knew what was up, did lend itself to some interesting conversations in the neighborhood. For instance, everyone assumed that I would be the only one to go on our street. That may indeed be true, but how did they arrive at this conclusion? Are they all that sure of their own fates of being condemned without life with Jesus? It seems to me a very sad account of life, but I suppose then that they wouldn't necessarily believe in any sort of judgement or rapture at all, so maybe it's not so sad for them.

At one point last night, I had said something to the effect of, "If Jesus is coming back, I'll be with him," and the seventeen year old son of my neighbors said, "Well, isn't that thinking awfully highly of yourself." Well, no, it's not. I am just confident in my standing with Jesus. I know that I'll be in heaven someday and certainly by nothing I've done on my own, but by the grace of God.

However, today I find myself in a bit of a post-non-rapture funk. I woke up this morning convinced it was Monday. I mean fully convinced. The first thought on my mind as I heard my alarm (set for workday wake up time) was that my polo for work was still in the washing machine, so I promptly got up, went downstairs, and put the wash in the dryer. My next thought was that I had agreed to be at work a little early to finish up a project that didn't get done before the end of the day Friday, so I hurried myself up to get through the shower quicker than usual. Then I was mad at myself for not buying candy that I knew I needed for work. Then I started making mental notes of how many copies of things I needed to make for my morning meeting, if my credit card had enough room for some office purchases I'd be making, and things I needed to email my boss. All very Monday-like behavior. But I had this weird nagging thought in the back of my mind that something didn't feel quite right. What was it? Finally, out of habit, I checked my phone to see what time it was. There, right on the main screen was "Sunday, May 22, 2011." Earth-rocking moment. I hadn't been to church yesterday. I hadn't had a whole weekend. It was indeed only Sunday.

So even though I feel like I'm in a bit of a funk from the non-rapture day yesterday, I also feel like I've been given a bit of a bonus day to fill with whatever I'd like. For now, the plans include mowing, folding laundry, and planting a few flowers around the yard.

On Being a Dubuquer

2011-05-21T20:36:00.000-05:00

Today, after living in Dubuque for two years, I finally became official. For the first time really, I did some very "Dubuque" things. Some things, I've done before, and in and of themselves, are not particularly Dubuque-like, but when you put them with everything I did today, they were certainly a very Dubuquian sequence of events.

Last night, I found myself at a concert at the clock tower downtown. I haven't done that before. It was a pretty good band and the atmosphere was pretty cool, people just hanging out every old place. After that, a quick stop at the Busted Lift, where of course, a friend and I run in to the same retired ER doctor that we had run into the last time we were there. Then it was a leisurely night at home in the 'hood with the neighbors just enjoying the night and the company.

Somehow, this morning, the neighborhood gang had all decided that we would get up and go to the farmers' market together. And why not? This is one of those things that doesn't appear to be so specifically Dubuque-like, but after some wandering around the market, we did what only Dubuquers can do after the market - we went to the Sunrise Cafe for breakfast. Now this, I've never done. Great, funky little diner that I'd go back to if given the opportunity.

After the diner, we went to Bluff Street and did a little shopping: Brew Haus (for neighborhood homebrew supplies), Calico Bean Market, a vintage place, a local artisan shop, a furniture store. Then, what else is there to do but ride the Fenlon Place Elevator for a single dollar to the top. And while we're at the top, why not start the old home tour? So, to the old home tour we all went and saw five amazingly old and lovely homes around town. It was full of not only history and stories of renovations and riches and families but little kid lemonade stands, wonderfully kind old people, and a perspective of town on foot never experienced before.

And if that wasn't all enough adventure for the day, the neighborhood crew continued on to the Art Fair downtown. Then finally back home to Frog Hill, the community that brought us all together in the first place.

Here's the thing I learned about being a Dubuquer: it doesn't matter what type of person you are, we can all be Dubuquers. At every event, I saw quite the mishmash of people - hippies, families, truckers, country boys, prim and proper old ladies... Somehow at Dubuque events, everyone fits in. No one is left out. This weekend has made me realize just how much I love this town. In fact, I almost bought a t-shirt that read: I fleur-de-lis Dubuque (like I Dubuque, but just a different symbol, you know)...Okay, so maybe you just need to be from Dubuque to get it. :)

It all seems a little silly.

2011-05-19T11:15:00.000-05:00

Last night, a few friends gathered in my backyard with a single purpose: plant my garden. I didn't need the help necessarily, but it just seemed like it could be way more fun with others around. It had been a pretty drizzly day, and the evening wasn't particularly pleasant, filled with intermittent sprinkles, cool air, and lots of bats as the sun went down. There was even a few frantic-ish moments toward the end of the night, trying to find all of the tools in the grass, staple the last of the fence corners tight, and gather all of the seed packets strewn all over the yard.

When it was all said and done, cucumber seeds, summer squash seeds, peas, six rows of green beans, 200 or so onion sets, four rows of carrots, four tomato plants, and six pepper plants made it into the ground. Climbing fences and bunny fences were secured. It was, if I do say so myself, a pretty valiant effort for a few soggy evening hours of work. All that's left is herbs and lettuces in pots and marigolds around the veggies, and a lone hasta that needs a home somewhere.

I suppose it all seems a little silly to outsiders looking in. Heck, sometimes it seems a little silly to me. Gardens are a lot of work. And they'll produce more food than I will be able to figure out how to store or consume. This little project will occupy my entire summer, every free moment. I will curse at the weeds and creeping charlie trying to overtake my plants. And I will curse when too many veggies come up at once. Okay, I probably won't really curse as that's not my usual practice. But regardless of the silliness, there's still something nearly intoxicating about the idea and even the practice of gardening. I just love it. Regardless of the endless hours spent babying along seedlings since early March, raking grass clods out of the new plot, dragging tools in and out of the garage and shed, planting, weeding, harvesting, cleaning up, there's just something about gardening that feels good. And it's not just a solo project. I mean, sure, it could be, but it's way more fun when it's shared. And frankly, I think that's the main reason why I'm growing so darn much - just to share it with others.

So, cheers to the silliness of gardening and all that comes with it! And a big thanks to the friends who have already taken part in sharing and who will share in it in the future!

Random Song, Certain Failure, and a Really Big Bird

2011-05-16T23:48:00.002-05:00

So, I must confess that what follows is actually three posts in one. Sometimes a person just has more to say than others. And since it is my official 300th post (if you factor in saved and never published drafts), I figure I can do what I want. Enjoy.

Random Song

For UD's Baccalaureate service last week, our gospel choir chose to sing this song: I Don't Feel Noways Tired. It wasn't this version, but this was one of the least annoying versions I could find online. For some reason, this song has kind of stuck with me throughout the weekend. I can't quite figure it out, to be honest. The first line of the song is, "I don't feel noways tired," but I can't figure out if the writer of the song was really saying that he wasn't tired because God always gave him the strength to move forward or if he was more trying to convince himself that he wasn't tired even though he knew full well he was, but somehow he still knew that God would give him the strength to more forward. The end result, I suppose, is still the same - God giving you the strength to move forward, but the song takes on a completely different tone depending on what it's really saying.

I either totally agree with the author, in that I'm totally exhausted, but there's moving on to be done, so God will get me through, or I can't really quite believe the author in that he is simply really not tired. I feel tired. Exhausted really. I've survived another year of working with and fighting for college students, and there were indeed many battles to be fought, and I feel tired. But somehow I still don't doubt that I'm the place that I'm supposed to be and that God will give me what I need to keep going.

Either way, I think it a bit of a strange song for a Baccalaureate service to be singing such a song. Sure it embodies moving forward and God being with you and such, but should a new college grad really be contemplating exhaustion at all? You just wrapped up the best four years of your life. What could you possible be so tired over? But maybe that's just me.

Certain Failure

Today I felt as though someone was trying their darnedest to align all possible controllable circumstances against me so that I was doomed to certain failure. How, you ask? I was supposed to give a presentation to the faculty today about the First-Year Experience program that I along with a team of fantastic people have worked really hard to build. I created a draft of the presentation and showed it to my team. One of the members responded like this: "Ooh, could you take this one part out here? That idea was presented to the faculty last month and was met with a lot of resistance." I, of course, said no. I couldn't in good faith take that part out. It was one of the most important parts that couldn't be peeled away from the rest no matter what.

After some significant reworking of the presentation to frame it in a way that really talked about benefits to faculty while still highlighting the services and goals of the program, I apprehensively brought myself and my presentation to the faculty meeting this morning. I met several administrators in the hallway, and they said this: "Well, we're running about a half hour behind...and they're pretty much done being willing to listen to, well, anything...they're just so tired you know." Great. Please, feed me to the wolves. Oh, did I mention that I was slated to be the very last session before lunch? Did I also mention that I was originally given a twenty minute time slot that two other presenters were added to last minute? So, please feed me to the grumpy, tired, hungry wolves with a presentation that ran right at seventeen minutes each time I rehearsed it with a negative ten minute time slot to do it in...as the smell of freshly delivered pizzas wafts into the room.

How much more could be stacked against me? Seriously. So, after about a half hour of nervous pacing and jumping around the back of the room as I watched several others (some that didn't even have agenda slots) present to the hungry, grumpy wolves, I got called to the front of the room and was instructed to present...quickly.

Quick prayer, flash a smile, crack a joke, and get moving.

"If you've ever seen the movie Over the Hedge, today I will be playing the role of the squirrel on the energy drink, so hang on tight, you get this presentation in hyper-drive." Laugh elicited from grumpy crowd, check.

After breaking the ice, I pretty much gave my entire presentation in a single breath, no break, no pause, no asking for questions. I think once, I paused ever so briefly to make sure everyone was tracking with me and no one had become motion-sick due to my very motion-filled visual presentation at it's new pace (laugh elicited mid-presentation, check).

When it was all said and done, I finished my perfectly timed seventeen minute presentation in something like ten and a half minutes. And at the end, I received thunderous applause and more laughter as well as a full round of congratulatory messages during lunch.

I'm not sure what to do with all of this tonight. It was what it was, I suppose. The information was presented, faculty either cared or they didn't. And that's the end of that.

A Really Big Bird

Tonight, I decided to take a trip to Platteville to share some ice cream with Megan. We had both been really good and worked out, so we felt as though we deserved a reward. Shouldn't all workouts be rewarded with ice cream? I think so. Anyway, I was driving along highway 151 at my usual seventy miles per hour, when from the far side of the other direction of traffic, I see this huge bird gliding in my general direction. My thought process went a little like this:

Wow, that is a really big bird. Is it a pheasant? No, it's too big to be a pheasant. Could it be a turkey? I don't think turkeys can - THWUMP. WHAT?!? Did I really just HIT the bird? How in the world did I just hit the bird?!?

But the best part was when the car that was behind me passed me, the passenger turned all the way around in her seat to see if the giant bird had left any damage on my car where I had clearly run smack into a slow gliding, easily visible, massively huge bird. Oh yeah, and the huge scuff that goes from headlight to side mirror is nice too.

I'm still not really clear on what exactly it was. It was probably five feet in wingspan but fat and round through the body. If turkeys can at least glide, although I thought them to be rather flightless by nature, then I would estimate it to be a turkey. If not, then it was either a mutant pheasant or perhaps a bald eagle...I don't remember seeing white...but clearly I wasn't really watching all that close...since it hit my car. Is killing a member of an endangered species a federal offense?

Well, there you have it. Three posts in one for my 300th post. What a crazy day it has been.

Angst

2011-05-10T20:48:00.000-05:00

It's been twenty three days since my interview with Edgewood College. Twenty three days of hearing nothing from them. When I departed from my interview, it was thundersnowing something terrible (that's not really all that important to the story, more of just a fun fact), and the wonderful faculty left us all with the reassuring thought that they would certainly contact us "as soon as we can." I knew then that there was another interview date (coincidentally today), but I hadn't given much thought to the fact that I may actually have to wait until after the final interview was conducted. Now, twenty three days later, I still sit and wait.

But I must confess that the angst I currently feel is not centered in the weight of their possible rejection. No. As I explore my anxiety, I have come to realize that what I'm most afraid of is that I actually may get in. Although I'm sure I weighed the consequences of applying to graduate school heavily, the very reality of what graduate school means seems to have eluded my consciousness. Now, I find myself having conversations with myself (only in my head, of course) that go a little like this:

"Do you remember your masters program?" Of course I remember. I remember almost dropping out after missing two thirds of an entire term while trying to deal with the most difficult year of my professional life. I remember studying and writing papers into all hours of the night. I remember taking work time to log on to chat forums to complete assignments. I remember it being genuinely awful. "Yeah, that's right. What exactly were you thinking applying for a doctoral program? You don't really have any business applying to a doctoral program."

Ugh. My heart beats a little faster and my palms suddenly find themselves a little bit clammier just thinking about my previous experience with graduate school. But I have to check myself a little bit here. There are reasons, good solid vocational reasons that I wanted to pursue more schooling. I'm not crazy (right?) for wanting to go back, and certainly now that I'm a little bit older, wiser, and more experienced, this round will go a bit smoother (right?). My letter of intent to Edgewood (which at the very least did not preclude me from receiving an interview), summed up why exactly I want to receive a doctorate:

It is in living out my purpose that I know I must pursue doctoral study. It is not a matter of feeling obligation or pressure from others to earn a degree, nor is it a matter of competing for my place at the top of the proverbial employment ladder; it isn’t even about earning higher pay or the respect of my peers. Rather it is a matter of deep desire to do my very best at the things I’m being called to do, and in higher education and Student Affairs, I can work and serve better with more education no matter what position I hold. This makes the pursuit of higher education a holy pursuit, a chasing after God’s own heart while also increasing knowledge in my field; it becomes development of both mind and spirit.

I really do want to do this. And it really could be good. Right?

There is a sort of cruel irony...

2011-05-04T19:11:00.002-05:00

There is a sort of cruel irony to having a love song stuck in your head when you're not in love. For the past week or so, a single song has been resonating in my head: Brook Frasier's The Thief. Check it out here.

The jaded cynic in me says that certainly these types of feelings aren't even possible. I've searched and never felt anything like the words of this song. But the hopeless romantic in me knows that songs like that don't get written because of make-believe or fairytales. They are written in moments of truth and vulnerability.

I hate to hear women complain about their husbands, children, mother-in-laws. It breaks my heart. I want to grab them by the shoulders, shake them, and proclaim assertively, You have everything I want! Cherish it! I don't usually do that, by the way. But the thought has crossed my mind more than once. I know no one's circumstance is perfect, and human nature is really good at making us want what we don't or can't have, but still...

I've been through many phases of my single self. I've been happy and even proud to be alone, self-sufficient, and selectively single. I've been singularly focused on becoming not single in any way possible, desperately love-sick for the man of my dreams. And I've been all sorts of places in between. Today, I find myself melancholy, happy with where my life has taken me but knowing something still lacks. Counting my blessings but yearning for just one more. Excited for the possibilities of the horizon but cautious of what the next day might bring or not bring. And battling the irony that sits quietly beside that beautiful love song stuck in my head for another day.

Quite Some Time

2011-04-28T11:38:00.001-05:00

It has been six weeks or so since I've even looked at this blog, and not for a lack of things going on. My days have been full to overflowing with family, friends, colleagues, work endeavors, educational pursuits... Where to start?

At the end of March I went to the regional NACA conference where we typically book the majority of our entertainment for the year for students. It was a great trip, and I came home extremely proud of my students. I did a little "mobile blogging" (you know, with a pen and paper?) while I was there, and I stumbled upon it today:

Thursday, March 31...But what surprised me, I mean really surprised me, was a tiny little moment before our first meal together. We all sat down around a table set with salads, water, baskets of bread, and a plethora of extra forks. Everyone sat. No one moved. Everyone looked around then looked at me. Silence. Then a quiet voice asked, "Did you want to, um...pray?" I couldn't help but beam a little, okay, a lot on the inside, which I am only sure leaked out to the outside. "Why yes, I'd love to. Amongst the hustle and noise and activity of nearly a thousand students, the seven of us quietly praised God for His goodness.

April has been nothing short of a veritable tornado of activity personally and professionally. I don't know how many days I've said, "I have a love/hate relationship with April. Today, it's more hate." Heres' a brief recap of some of the things I have survived (although I feel like I could write entire posts on almost all of these):

I started an intense workout program called P90X which I love, but when caught up with the rest of life in the tornado, I can't ever seem to dedicate quite enough days to it. I have two main goals in working out nearly six days a week, an hour a day or more: 1) rocket to the summits of multiple 14,000-foot peaks with ease as opposed to my labored, exhausting attempts of years past, and 2) rock a string bikini shamelessly, even if just for myself.
My students pulled off two formal balls on back-to-back Saturdays, both with varying levels of successes and failures. My only free Saturday in April was the day before Easter, as this weekend I'm headed on a bus trip to Chicago for a White Sox game.
I have been at work at least four out of every five (well, six with all the Saturdays) nights a week, pulling some marathon workdays out of thin air (with the assistance, of course, of significant amounts of caffeination and endless prayers of supplication). Somehow through it all, I still really do love my job.
I applied to a doctoral program at Edgewood College in Madison, Wisconsin and interviewed just last week for admission. I am still awaiting word on my acceptance. Being admitted would begin a three year journey of simultaneous full-time grad school and more than full-time employment that I am undoubtedly clinically insane for attempting and will assuredly result in being over-educated, under-paid, and deeply in debt.
I attended the funeral of a man my age that I attended college with. He was married to a woman that I was a friend and RA with in Wilgus Hall, and it was a stark reminder of just how unstable and unpredictable life can be despite our very best attempts to make it both stable and predictable.
I spent Easter weekend with family, which I will probably write another post about later. It was a lovely weekend, but some interesting reflections came out of the time.
And as we march on toward May, the Student Life department is quickly dwindling as individuals seek out more promising employment and educational opportunities elsewhere. I'm sure, at some point, I will also reflect on this, as the implications are potentially huge and terrifying, but we trust God's guidance for the security of our future.
I made not one, but two new friends. The administration on campus interviewed a candidate for the Health, Recreation, and Wellness program, and before even offering her the job thought of all of the similarities between her and I. I am thankful that Dr. Ward stepped out and asked me to help her find a place to live. She is a great new friend. And the campus chaplain introduced me to a new associate pastor at a local church and she's full of sass, spunk, and sarcasm. It has been years since I made an honest to goodness new friend, so that has been very nice.

And there you have it. You're all caught up. With so much going on, and finally making the attempt to put some reflections down on paper, I'm sure more will follow. It's kind of like working out or eating well. You know it's good for you, but a little lull in the action tends to make it easier to forget just how good you feel after you've done it.

Things I don't not believe

2011-03-13T19:16:00.000-05:00

This morning in church, our pastor did something that in six years, I had never seen anything close to. He started the service sitting down in a chair on the stage holding a wireless microphone. He let us know that he had no notes for this morning, no sermon prepared. He explained that in recent months the Spirit of God had been using him in ways he couldn't explain or control. His body sometimes moved without explanation or desire to do so, he could feel power and pain and healing passing to and through him.

As he spoke, his body began to move in bizarre manners, going from sitting to standing, to tip-toes, to arched. Men of the church went up to assist him to be sure he didn't fall. He went from standing to the ground, face down, back to standing and arched. And then when it was over, he went and sat back down.

I didn't know what to feel. I know I believe that the Spirit can move in the very ways I witnessed this morning, but that doesn't keep me from feeling confused, skeptical. And the pastor urged us to check his words and actions against scripture, of which I'm quite sure I will find no conflict. I really do believe this stuff can happen. I don't not believe any of itI believe that people can speak in tongues, heal others, hear words directly from God; I believe in the presence of demons and angels, spiritual warfare... So why went it actually happens, do I doubt, shy away, feel skeptical?

I've never seen anything quite like what I saw today. And my guess is that the guests I brought to church this morning will not opt to return with me anytime soon.

Strangest Analogy Ever

2011-03-09T00:10:00.001-06:00

Today, I was offered one of the strangest, but perhaps most apt analogies anyone has ever offered me. A bit of a background story: A colleague/friend and I had just finished up a long, fairly emotional conversation about an issue of which we each had personal conflict with each other. It's been a project we've worked long and hard on together, and in an instant, last week, it all seemed to come to a screeching halt. We didn't talk for nearly a week, but today we got back together. We had to. We had one last meeting before we present the big project to the big wigs on Thursday. So, we came to a resolution together after some soul searching, a few tears, brave moments of honesty, and a certain heartfeltness that only comes from being both friends and coworkers.

And after it was all done, she says to me, "Well, this is your baby. It has been all along. And you need to think of Thursday like a birthday...your day to deliver the result of all of your hard work to the world. So, take your vitamins, get some sleep, and on Thursday morning, be ready to push."

At first, I found this analogy to be extremely awkward, but frankly, the more I think of it, the more sense it makes. This last week, I've been all sorts of emotional as things get stretched, stressed, and put to the test here toward the end...having not ever actually been pregnant, I can only assume a certain amount of emotional volatility develops as one nears the end of that long nine month road of developing, protecting, and growing that precious baby. And now, a few days before the big day, I'm getting nervous, excited, anxious to see the result out in front of me, laid out for everyone to see. And the work of getting this whole big project even presented in concept to the big wigs is, well, work. Hard work. Strenuous, nerve-racking, frightening work. A little like labor, right?

So, I guess my friend wasn't all that far off. On Thursday morning, I will have no choice but to be ready to deliver the precious cargo I've been carrying for nearly the last two years. It will be, in no uncertain terms, a very big birthday.

You know, the metaphor may be right on, but I can't seem to shake the disturbing mental image of me actually giving birth in the conference room with seven or so colleagues and administrators sitting around watching. *Shiver* :)

Restorative Exhaustion

2011-03-05T18:07:00.001-06:00

Can there be such thing as restorative exhaustion? A day that makes you feel tired, worn out, and old, but yet somehow fulfilled and restored? This week was a pretty tough week for me, as I reflected last night. But today, in my twelth hour of about sixteen at work, it only takes one student saying, "You really do go above and beyond for us...and I don't know how you do it." or one alum that has heard of my efforts to rebuild the social Greek system at UD and tells me, "It's so great to hear of what you're doing for the Greeks. It really is about life-long friendships." And I somehow feel like last week was kind of worth it. Like it wasn't maybe just so bad.

And I guess that's what keeps me here, you know? It's that ability to measure the good against the bad, and again and again, determine that it's worth going through. Logical? Probably not. But for the past three years, it's worked. One day it may drive me to absolute insanity, but I guess it works, and it's a risk I'm willing to take.

An Effective Attack

2011-03-04T20:36:00.005-06:00

I haven't had a week like this in quite a while. Oh, what a struggle it has been. I feel so defeated. My view of my very worth has been attacked from all sides, and what an effective attack it has been.

The week began with an honest but unexpected conversation with a colleague that shook my confidence on a major project I've been working diligently on for nearly two years. I've been fixated on it all week, usually worrying myself all the way to worst-case scenario mode, occasionally spontaneously bursting into tears, trying to figure out what I've done wrong or what I could have done better, second guessing all of my effort. An unnecessary work-up to be sure, but that's how attacks work I suppose.

Then yesterday and today, I worked diligently to try to protect a student organization by attempting to set up a meeting with another professional on campus. There were some things that just needed to be discussed professional to professional, and I really thought I was doing the right thing for the organization and for the professional. Three times in two days, I set up a time and place, and three times in two days I was canceled upon. I found out too late that the reason I was being canceled on was because this professional was going around me to speak with a student from the organization instead. Then this professional proceeded to speak ill of me personally to the student. So not only did this person's actions speak clearly of their view of my worth, but their actual words spelled out their view of my worth.

And topping off the attack on my worth, my week isn't even over. I will quietly work a sixteen hour Saturday with students, something I will most likely even enjoy, but it will undoubtedly go unnoticed by most, not that acknowledgment is any real sort of reason for why I do what I do...

Look, the fact of the matter is I know that I have worth. But that knowledge doesn't halt Satan's ability to attack it. He knows that all it takes is a tiny fissure, a little crack in the armor, and once he finds it, he can pick at it and pick at it until I'm just exhausted, affected, hurt. But it's time to attack back. I have worth. And I can prove it.

Genesis 1:27 says, "So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them." How could I forget that God fashioned me after himself?

Psalm 139 says: "You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely...For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb..." God thinks I'm worth enough to know everything about me. He dreamed me up and knows everything about me.

Romans 8:15 tells me, "The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship." I am a child of God. I have worth because the Spirit living in me brings about my adoption.

That is such a tiny start. Such a little glimpse into the worth that God sees in me. I haven't even touched the fact that Jesus died for me. He died for me. Because he loves me. I'm worth his life. His life fills mine with worth. So, take that, Satan. You don't define my worth. This week's attacks are temporary. They won't last. My worth in Christ is eternal. It will last forever. And because of that, I can endure weeks like this.

And Christians are just like, "Oh well..."

2011-02-23T10:55:00.000-06:00

I recently posted about a conversation with a friend in which I had the chance to share the gospel with a friend. I've been playing bits and pieces of that conversation back in my mind ever since, mainly just because of the uniqueness of the situation and conversation.

But one of the things that really has stuck with me was when my friend said something to the effect of: "I just can't buy that...that God would only accept a few people and not others that don't believe in Jesus. That would mean most of my family, 90% of my friends, and even religious leaders of the world. What about the people that are born in the Middle East and never have the opportunity to even hear about Jesus? And Christians look around, shrug their shoulders, and are just like, 'Oh well.'"

My response was probably not just exactly square, but I think I said something about God's view of justice and fairness versus our own. But perhaps I should have stressed the thousands of missionaries being supported by churches and families all over the world, the outreach efforts of local churches through countless ministries (homelessness services, medical clinics, home repairs...). Or maybe I should have made known how much a conversation like the one we were in the middle of broke my heart at some level that doesn't even have words to express it. "Oh well"? It's not an "oh well" issue. It's an issue of life and death. Is that what non-Christians really think when they look into the life of a Christian? "Oh well"? What a limited and broken view, a world-tainted view.

Now, please don't miss understand. There are indeed Christians that hold an "Oh well" attitude. There are those that choose to ignore the world, their friends, their family that do not accept Jesus' gift. And there are those that find safety hiding out in their Jesus huddles, refusing to reach out, finding it easier to just praise God together alone. And surely the world sees this...well, obviously it does based on my conversation with one friend that was not afraid to say it so boldly. That in and of itself fills me with some sort of call to action. I know I'll never be able to make up for a whole group of Christians refusing to love like Jesus, but certainly I can do all I can to be the living, breathing, moving, acting presence of God in the world. And I hope that non-Christians in my little sphere of influence see that, feel it, understand it.

I do not accept an "Oh well" attitude in my life. I want to live as a pure reflection of Jesus to those around me so that there is no question.

Glory to God Anyway

2011-02-21T12:32:00.000-06:00

I recently had the opportunity to present the gospel to an unbelieving friend. It was in the middle of quite the heated discussion about right and wrong, truth and relativism, and I somehow knew that what I was saying not only wasn't resonating with my friend, it was pretty much offending him. Ultimately, he let me know that my views were far too closed-minded for him.

And although it was generally unpleasant to walk away from a conversation like that having made no noticeable difference in a friend's life, you know what? Glory to God anyway. I got the opportunity to express God's love to someone who hadn't ever experienced it. I can't soften his heart myself. I can't force him into knowing Jesus. God gave me the chance to plant a seed, and I did. Who knows how it may impact his life down the road. And what if none at all? Well, God gets the glory anyway.

"The bigger the change we hope for..."

2011-02-17T22:39:00.000-06:00

I am reading a book right now called Culture Making with a group of about thirty-five other faculty and staff members on campus, and so far, I've really enjoyed the beginning of the book. But tonight, while reading through chapter three, I had to stop, reread, star, underline. The author was describing rates of change in culture. He argued that there are different layers of culture that change and impact culture at different rates of speed and significance. For instance, fashion is a part of culture but beyond magazine archives fashion causes no real significant impact. There's no longevity. One day, dark colors and wide flowy pants are the hotest items, and the next, skinny jeans and vibrant florals are in. One fashion statement does not build on a previous to create another. They just come and go as the breeze blows. On the other end of the spectrum, things like government systems provide for some of the slowest but arguably most significant changes to culture and society.

And then I came across the quote that had me starring and underlining and rereading and such: "The bigger the change we hope for, the longer we must be willing to invest, work, and wait for it." For some reason, this struck me as if it was a totally new concept.

I am working awfully hard to construct new cultural ideas in a campus that seems to so desperately need them. I spend my days correcting foul language, trying to tame wild and unpredictable attitudes about people and services, counseling students through appropriate choices in lifestyle... I expend immeasurable efforts drafting documents, proposals, summary reports, arguments, rallying cries... All of this in an attempt to somehow make the campus a better place to live, to learn, to work, to serve. And I get so darn impatient! I find myself eternally frustrated when asked for yet another revision, or another cyclical conversation, or the many deja vu moments with students repeating myself like a crazed broken record.

But the change I'm hoping for is big. It's not just a change in a student or two; it's how students live. It's not just trying to make programs better; it's using programs to change lives. All of the work is to make campus somehow better, somehow different from the rest of the world so that the people that leave this place go into the world and make the world somehow better. That's a big change, a big hope. Why would I think it would happen overnight? Why would I be frustrated with small amounts of change, progress, improvement?

Revolutions and revivals are exciting bursts of activity that make marks in history books for having existed, but they are either not the stand-alone events they appear to be or they are not really all that significant in the long-run. These moments are just the moment that the light switch is flipped and the lights come on. But they usually fail to take into account the countless hours spent wiring the house and checking the circuits that needed to take place for that switch to be flipped. So, I suppose, right now, I need to be okay, or maybe even excited, being the electrician wiring the house knowing that one day the lights will come on.

The author drove home the point by saying, "Nothing that matters, no matter how sudden, does not have a long history and take part in a long future." (I know, English loving friends, a lot of double negatives going on there...but think about it, would you?) Things that matter come from somewhere and impact something. They can't not.

Discernment

2011-02-16T16:53:00.001-06:00

It seems that the Holy Spirit has been pressing on me lately to hone in on the topic of discernment as of late, and I have to admit that it somewhat caught me off guard. Having grown up a Christian my entire life, having been guided by sound biblical teaching, mentors, parents, consistent Sunday school lessons, I kind of thought that I had the idea of discernment all wrapped up.

As a mentor for the Wendt Character Scholars, I find that I often learn more than I teach, something I promised my small group on our first night together. This semester's topic is integrity, and we're reading together Steven Carter's aptly named book, Integrity. In the first chapter, Carter provides his working definition for the word in three parts: "1) discerning what is right and what is wrong, 2) acting on what you have discerned, and 3) saying openly that you are acting on your understanding of right from wrong." One of the mentors spoke eloquently about the three parts of the definition, but spent much time focusing on step one, discerning right from wrong. She asked the group to come up with other words that help us understand the not-so-frequently used word. The group came up with the following list:

filtering
perceiving
distinguishing
considering
determining
establishing
objectively evaluating
discovering
discriminating
judging

The conclusion of all of these words: None of it is simply what I feel. Discernment is not just a gut reaction or a heart-pull in one direction or another. It's not going with the flow or jumping on the bandwagon. It's not assuming that just because a friend made a decision, that you'll come to the same conclusion. No, discernment, I'm afraid, is hard work. It requires a certain knowledge of ultimate right and wrong in order to conjecture right and wrong in specific situations. Not a societal right and wrong, not a familial right and wrong, and ultimate truth of some kind that is indeed where discernment can start. Without truth, where would one start on a journey of discernment? What measure of right and wrong would one seek out?

Some may reason, Well, I follow my heart. Ah, but how much so can we even trust our own hearts? Our emotions, feelings, our guts? There are warnings against this very heart-trust in plain language in the Bible. Jeremiah 17:9, which I will be spending some significant time with this week states, "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" So, my heart may want something terribly, but is it necessarily right? I may long for some desire, but it may not be in any form good.

The speaker for the night continued to drive this point home with a quote that I will attribute to her since Google has not helped me locate it from any alternative source: "The heart is an important instructor only after is has been instructed." A heart by itself, as well intentioned as it might be, as much of a good heart it may consider itself, simply cannot discern right from wrong. It can only tell what feels good, what promotes self worth, what satisfies impulses and urges and yearnings right now. But a heart that is first instructed by the Holy Spirit can navigate those feelings, yearnings, decisions with a solid knowledge of unchanging truth. And the more I train my heart, the easier, though I would argue rarely easy, difficult decisions become.

And how does one train their heart for discernment? The Word of God is where we find our truth, the unwavering, unchanging truth of right and wrong, established and inspired by God himself for his people. And when the Word is too difficult to understand on our own, we rely on the Holy Spirit living actively inside us to continue to instruct our hearts beyond our own limited understanding.

So, I guess at the heart of it all, is God. When I encounter a difficult decision, or something that seems to pull my head and my heart and my feelings and my knowledge all in different directions, the best thing I can do is go back to the Word of God, to dig into wherever it is God leads me, to learn from what he teaches me, and to listen to the interpretation of the Living God inside me. That's discernment. And that's just scratching the surface.

What I believe about the Bible...

2011-02-10T22:24:00.001-06:00

I am eyeball deep in conversation right now. The topic? What exactly do you believe about the Bible? And believe it or not, that is a narrowed topic from where we started. I posed the following questions, and I feel that I should do my diligent best to answer the same at least: Think on what you know of the Bible. Have you ever read any of it? Do you have any interest in reading it now? What do you believe about the book if anything? Does the book or has it ever impacted your life in any way?

I will be honest and admit that I have never read the whole Bible. I've never tried to read it cover to cover. I have been extremely unsuccessful at yearly reading plans and even any sort of daily or weekly devotionals. I find myself reading the Bible at random times like early in the morning when I first arrive at my office or when I'm in the middle of a thousand project list. But I find myself consulting the Word frequently for a quick verse reference or to remind myself of a story.

Some of my favorite books of the Bible include the letters to the Philippians, Ephesians, Colossians, Corinthians, Thessalonians, Galatians...They are letters, like something I would maybe write, to people, churches, loved ones on all sorts of topics - family, church business, teaching, reminders of what's right and wrong in Christian communities, helpful hints on how to pray, love, serve better...

What do I believe about the Bible? I believe that the Bible is the inspired word of God. Why do I believe that? Well, the Bible says so. For skeptics, that's the equivalent of saying that every word of a sports magazine is true because it says so somewhere in the pages. Well, I'm not a biblical scholar, but there are a few things I know anyway. First, not only does the Bible identify itself as the inspired word of God, but it does so repeatedly. Different authors from different periods of time all reiterate the same fact. This stuff comes from God. Now, I will admit that I'm not completely 100% sure what is meant by "inspired word of God." Does that mean that God whispered in authors' ears the exact words they should write? Does it mean that God actually emblazoned it on pages Himself? Does it mean once it was written He reviewed, edited, and approved? Was it merely selected by God? I guess I'm not sure. But no matter, it comes from God.

I also believe that the Bible is not a fairytale. It's a history book, a chronology of the work of God from creation to a while after Jesus lived his life out on earth. Does that mean that I think each and every story should be taken completely literally? I don't think so. Some stories and books in the Bible call us to use our sanctified imaginations. And some stories are just meant to not quite be figured out. The creation story comes to mind here. Was the world created in a literal six days followed by a literal day of rest? Perhaps. But doesn't it say something in the Bible about a thousand years being like a moment for God? Does it effect my view of the creation story? No. God created the earth from nothing into something with His hands, His creativity, and His love. That's enough for me.

Has the Bible impacted my life in any way? Ha, oh my yes. As a little girl, I grew up in Sunday school classes learning the fantastic old testament stories that taught me to be brave, to love others, to obey my parents, that God is always with me, that He listens to my prayers... Growing and maturing, the Bible taught me right and wrong, how to deal with others, how to develop relationships, what forgiveness means, oh so many things. And I know the Bible to be a tool to build and strengthen my relationship with God. It's His heart on paper. It shows me what He loves, what He hates, what He desires for me and all of His creation. The more I spend time in the word, the more I learn the heart of God. The more I learn the heart of God, the more I love what He loves, hate what He hates, desire what He desires... The impact of the Bible on my life is simply immeasurable.

I feel like I could write for days on what I believe about the Bible because it's not simple; it's complex and full of questions and ponderings. The Bible has been a part of my whole life, and it seems so inadequate to boil it down to just a few paragraphs. But there you have at least a start, a few thoughts to spur on a few thousand more.

Kind of Strange

2011-01-23T15:06:00.000-06:00

You know, I find it kind of strange that some days I have endless things to say, opinions to share, lessons to teach...And some days, nothing. The last few weeks, my head and heart have been full. There has been much to process, and usually that's what you see falling onto these pages...reflection and processing. But for some reason, despite feeling like I have plenty to process, I've felt like maybe I should just remain quiet for a while.

So, weeks have gone by without so much as a peep here about a recent fantastic first date, a wonderful four-week sermon series at church from Ephesians, an extremely successful j-term at UD, an opportunity to invite my neighbors to church...so many wonderful, unexpected things. Why haven't I shared anything?

I wonder if perhaps I'm suppose to spend more time just listening. I like to think I'm a good listener, but sometimes I'm not so sure. I feel like maybe some days I dominate conversations all around me...with friends, with mentors, with God. As if my stories are somehow more important, more significant. But perhaps now, when so many things are going on in my life, when there are questions, things to get excited about, things to be frustrated about...all at once, now it is of utmost importance to stop and listen. Pray. Listen. Sit quietly. Listen.

Taboo Topics on a First Date

2011-01-17T14:44:00.003-06:00

[This post was created on 1/17, nearly immediately after the date referenced in the post. Upon rereading it on 3/13, I thought it harmless to actually post. Enjoy.]

This weekend was one of the most unexpected weekends I can remember. The whole thing was surreal. There's a ton of back matter to this story which I've probably already told you anyway. So I'll just try to stick to the facts.

Briefly, a co-worker, and a brave soul indeed, set me up with her brother on a blind date. She also invited me over for dinner with her and her husband and her brother before we had even met. It could have all been potentially very awkward, but as it turns out, it wasn't so much. Pat and I met for coffee downtown Saturday morning and almost instantly fell into a comfortable conversational rhythm. It wasn't long before we were telling our way through life stories and funny memories and laughing and having a great time. Coffee went by, then lunch, then dinner. We just really enjoyed each others' company.

After dinner with the sister and husband, and after a healthy does of men versus women in the game Password, it was just Pat and I talking again. And for whatever reason, we launched into a super serious conversation about beliefs, values, the future, our ex's...all of which, I'm quite sure qualify as pretty strictly taboo topics when it comes to first dates. Not knowing where the other stood as far as religion and spirituality, we talked at great length about that. I can't say, prior to this weekend, that I've ever really presented the Gospel on a first date. This was not ordinary first date.

After a few hours of talking, we were both exhausted and went our separate ways with plans to get together the next day. Although the mood was much lighter and much less serious than the night before, we still managed to stumble into taboo territory including more Gospel talk (including me fumbling through explaining the sermon I had heard that morning), family talk (as in, "do you want kids?"), and more ex-talk.

The idea that dating gets easier as we get older is such a myth. Dating is hard to navigate, exhausting, and frankly, there's more at stake the older we get.

The Power of Kindness

2011-01-05T13:16:00.000-06:00

As I continue to ponder kindness, I am constantly keeping an eye out for resources that help me wrap my brain around the idea. The other day, I stumbled upon a short video clip from the local newspaper. Dubuque's First Citizen this year, apparently known well for her kindness, responded to the interviewer's question, "...what is the power of kindness?"

http://www.thonline.com/multimedia/?id=3580

I'm not sure I liked her answer all that much. She seems like a very kind woman, and I don't want this to feel like any sort of award-recipient bashing, but her response was that the power of kindness lies in the ability of each of us to display it. Is there really power in that? Certainly there is some semblance of influence in it, just by the logic of critical mass. If a large number of people choose to be kind, then it will spread to others, influencing them to also be kind.

But what is the power of kindness? What can kindness do? Kindness disarms. It can take a defensive, hurt individual and calm them, easing the tension and hurt. You've seen it happen, yes? A simple hand on a shoulder, a come-let's-talk-about-it look or gesture, a gift of apology...all disarming. Kindness heals. Broken hearts can be mended by kindness. Think of the times you were most hurt and how you moved on. What did it take? A talk with a friend or mentor? A hug? A gift? A letter written from the heart? These things heal us, and they are brought forth through genuine kindness. I'd say these things are powerful indeed.

Where does kindness stem from? Where do its roots lie? What is the origin of kindness? Next time...

Irrelevance of Balance

2011-01-03T21:38:00.001-06:00

Although I'm sure I'll come back to the many conflicting ideas of kindness floating around in my head lately, a theme has been emerging in my life that I feel the need to make mention of. I'm not sure I'll have any sort of concluding thoughts on this theme, perhaps just a few initial perceptions...

While eating lunch at a strange little place downtown, we talked of life and work and school and the general overwhelming nature of life. I was honest in saying that entering grad school could be just a terrible thing as far as my life balance goes. My wise friend and mentor, in her usual honest, frank way said that she didn't think balance in each stage of life was really a possible thing...maybe over the course of a lifetime one could hope to average out somewhere in the realm of balance, but not in every season. Some seasons have more work, more study, more quiet, more chaos. But to attempt to achieve balance in each stage just would drive a person to a frustrated insanity. I wasn't so sure I agreed just completely.

But tonight, as I started another new book (note, I said started...I've got a pile of something like seven started books...none of which I've managed to finish), I stumbled upon this quote from Jacques Ellul, a French philosopher that I won't even pretend to know anything about. In his book, Reason for Being: A Meditation on Ecclesiastes, he writes:

Remember your Creator during your youth: when all possibilities lie open before you and you can offer all your strength intact for his service. The time to remember is not after you become senile and paralyzed! Then it is not too late for your salvation, but too late for you to serve as the presence of God in the midst of the world and the creation. You must take sides earlier - when you can actually make choices, when you have many paths opening at your feet, before the weight of necessity overwhelms you.

This, to me, sounds like encouragement for specific seasons of life - those seasons when you're young, full of energy, ambition. This is perhaps not the time to strive for balance at all. It is the time to strive to be the very presence of God in the world. Later will be too late. I will be tired and slow and old. But right now, now I've got the drive, the passion, maybe even the insanity to dive deeply into my purpose for living.

As I said before, I'm not so sure I've got any actual conclusive remarks on this matter...just a few unfinished thoughts on the theme of seasons and the irrelevance of balance in living out a life of purpose. I'm interested to wait and see if anything else comes up like this, and if nothing else, perhaps I have another book to start in the near future as I've already looked up Ellul's book and found it right on the shelves of the campus library.

Initial Ponderings on Kindness

2011-01-02T21:49:00.000-06:00

If you read my resolutions post recently, the you've already heard briefly of my heart's desire to learn to be more genuinely kind. Lately, I've been doing a bit of pondering about what this really means. But the more I ponder it, the more I begin to wonder how feasible something like learning to be kind might be.

The trouble, I'm finding? We live in a broken world. The model of kindness doesn't really work here. Think about it. Who "gets ahead" in this world? Driven, manipulative, cut-throat people get ahead. They are CEOs, leaders. They are rich, successful, powerful. Where do nice people end up? Dead last. Nice people get trampled.

Think about it. People that are kind generally get taken advantage of. If I am kind and offer my money to an organization, my name ends up on some list and I get asked ten thousand times for money. If I offer my help on a project at work, I get asked to do a few more, or worse, I'm expected to continue to do nice things all the time. Suddenly, I find myself drowning in all the nice things I'm doing while also failing to do all the things I should be doing.

But if I was truly genuinely kind, would this bother me? It shouldn't, right? If my heart was in the right place about the kind things I do, then being walked on a little shouldn't hurt my feelings. But, facts are facts. Being taken advantage of does bother me. I feel like I'm always being burned.

Enter, the Jesus example. His heart was kind. He loved sinners, weirdos, children. He felt compassion on the sick and injured. But He wasn't always Mr. Nicey Nice. Off the top of my head, I can recount examples of Jesus throwing things in the temple, asking the healed not to tell of His works, attempts to remove Himself from hoards of people (to pray, to sleep, on a hill, in a boat...). I can only imagine these must have been Jesus' intentional choices to not be completely overrun, trampled. A genuine heart of kindness is not a blind or foolish heart.

I know I'm not done wrestling with this. How did Jesus decide who to heal and who to walk away from? When to teach and when to rest? When to turn the other cheek and when to utilize a little righteous anger? When to hang with the group and when to take a moment for Himself?

To be honest, I'm not really sure what I've learned in this quick and dirty review of Jesus' moments of not-kindness. There is much seeking to be done...which probably means a little less talking and a lot more listening, seeking after the kind heart of God.

Living into the Unexpected

2011-01-01T02:12:00.000-06:00

Happy 2011! The new year has officially been rung in, and although watching the ball drop on TV is like an episode of the Twilight Zone (oh the music and the wardrobe selections...how out of touch with current culture I am), it was festive and lighthearted all around with good friends.

I've reflected already about the many blessings of 2010 as well as some of my hopes and desires for 2011, but it has really struck me today that my heart should prepare for one main thing this year: the unexpected. What does that mean, you may ask. But the honest answer is that I don't really know. I suppose that's what makes the unexpected unexpected.

I want to take joy in unexpected things, big and small, significant and insignificant. Tonight, I drove home from Platteville and it started to snow. I didn't think it was supposed to snow tonight. It was so beautiful! As I drove through town, I admired the floating flakes under every single street lamp. Insignificant, but enjoyable. I want to soak up these unexpected moments. And I can only imagine what types of unexpected significant things God may have in store for me.

So, 2011, here I come. Bring on your unexpected. I will show you my joy. Whatever God has in store, I'm excited to receive it.

Setups can be awkward.

2010-12-29T15:18:00.000-06:00

Setups and awkward just go together. Even long before the official setting up takes place, there is a certain amount of awkward that takes place any time one of the setupee's gets brought up in conversation. And, since it seems to be the season to set Lindsey up with people (which I'm generally all for), there has been a fair amount of awkward floating around.

Before Christmas, a co-worker (who shall remain nameless) emailed me about some work related thing, but then mentioned in passing that she may bring her brother to the gala next year since he's such a great dancer...then proceeded to mention that he was single. This, of course, spawned a trail of emails about her brother between her and I, and frankly, by the end of it all he sounded pretty darn great.

Today, she and I had a chance to catch up after the holidays, and we talked about all sorts of upcoming work things, and as she was heading out the door, I got up the guts to say, "So, what made you think to bring up your single brother to me in the first place?" "Well..." And then she proceeded to tell me all the great things about him (and he still sounded pretty great), but then she said, "But I'm afraid he's maybe too old for you." "How old?" "Well...40-some." "40-some? Or 40? There would be a pretty big difference for someone in their 20s." "I can't remember for sure...42 maybe?" Awkward pause. That would be, by far, the oldest guy I've ever gone out with. There's a good 15 years or maybe more between us....making him closer to my parents age than my own. It could be weird. It could be really weird. But it could be equally not so weird. I don't know.

So, after some more talk of his life with several awkward pauses and no longer really looking each other in the eye so much, I asked a fairly critical question - was he even interested in being set up? She responded with an immediate yes, to which I asked, "By his sister?" Again, a pretty clear yes. I'm not sure I would put so much faith into my brother's set up choices, but maybe that's just me.

After yet more awkward pausing...because really, at some point, what do you say in this type of situation? I wrapped up the whole awkward mess with, "Well, if it doesn't work, we all have a good laugh and move on, right?" I mean, I'd still have to work with the woman. "Right, right," she said as she moved closer to the door. But she left with full intention of making sure we met the next time he came to town. I hope he's into younger women.

So, after that fun little story, my question to my general viewing audience (parents excluded, as I already know exactly what you think of the situation), what do you think? Is 40-42 too old for me? Could we possibly have anything in common? Will it be weird? Am I too much of a kid at heart (or even just in reality) to date someone so much older than me? I am interested in hear opinions.

Oh, a quick rundown of what I know about this 40-something mystery man: loves people, has worked for hospice, has MBA, currently has stable career, is a writer and has a background in theater, knows how to dance, is a great cook, has built homes in several Central/South American countries, has worked at summer camps for kids who have lost family members to cancer, has recently adopted a rescue dog, has never been married, has no kids, has "good hair"... Now, all I need to know is if he loves the Lord, attends church, doesn't smoke, and happens to like younger women.

Resolutions...or should I say, Resolutions?

2010-12-29T11:01:00.000-06:00

I've never been one to make New Year's resolutions so much. As everyone claims this to be the year they lose 20 pounds, stop fighting with their little siblings, save more money, read more books...I often ponder just how many days it will take these people to break their promises to themselves yet again, and slink into the month of February with a real sense of New Year's letdown. Yeah, no thanks.

However, there is a bit of a conundrum here for me. I am typically a pretty goal-oriented person, so it doesn't make a lot of sense that I wouldn't make new goals for a new year. But goals seems a lot like resolutions, don't they? Perhaps there is a way to set a few resolutions without clinging to them so tightly that disappointment remains inevitable when we slip up. Well, without further ado, here are my goals, desires, and yes, resolutions, for 2011, for whatever they're worth.

I want to be more kind, genuinely kind. I feel that it has become far to easy to walk by someone, even someone I know well, and just say, "How's it going?" And without even waiting for a response, keep on walking. I think it's easy for me to get frustrated with people, show it on my face, and act on it in my attitudes. I don't want to be fake. I don't want a plastered smile. I want my heart to be genuinely kind and loving to others. I want people to see me and feel a great capacity for love pouring out of me. How does one go about working on this, I wonder? The only great love worth emulating is the love of God, so I know that I need to chase Him, follow by His example, learn about Him more, and love Him more.

I want to be more intentional with my friendships. It is so easy for me to fall into a pool of self-pity when the phone doesn't ring with weekend plans every Friday evening, when friends choose to do things with other friends... But maybe the problem is that I am not making the phone ring on the other end of the line suggesting weekend plans, or setting up dinner parties, or asking friends to come over for just some quality couch time together. I have great friends. I love them. But I rarely make an attempt to show them this in a real way. Not only do I want to be intentional with my time with my friends, I want to intentionally pray for them. Why do we only pray for each other when we have a great need like a sick child or an uneasy job situation? I want to share in my friends' joys and sorrows, lifting them up in prayer constantly. I want to learn from my friends. I have so many wise friends. I want to be able to say that maybe my friends learned a thing or two from me, too. I want no topic left unturned this year with my friends. I want to have more than just the "Hey, how's it going?" style conversations. I want to meet needs of friends rather than expecting them to meet my needs all of the time. I want to give of myself to my friends. I want to be intentional.

I want to grow a masterful garden. Okay, so this one is not nearly as holy of an endeavor at first glance...but I want to grow a big garden full of veggies and fresh things far too big for me so that I can share it with neighbors and friends. Then I want to cook and create delicious things in my kitchen and share those things with neighbors and friends. It will be a great adventure in hard work, dirty fingernails, and experiencing the joy of sharing.

There are so many other things that I would love to see happen in 2011. Read more books. Save more money. Get to know my brother better. Climb to 14,000 feet again. Meet my husband. Laugh more. Try new foods. Experience daily adventures. Get into grad school. Exceed work goals. Exercise a little. Travel more. Enjoy my sun porch. Dress my age. Sing from my heart.

Ready or not, 2011.

A Year in Reivew: 2010

2010-12-26T21:48:00.000-06:00

Another year. Where does the time go? I know I say this every year, but the older I get, the faster the years seem to go. After vows to myself to not let time fly me in a blur, it once again, certainly has. But this year has not been without its enjoyments and excitements, which far outweigh the disappointments and troubles.

I'm working my way through my third year at UD this year, and come July 1, as has been custom the past two years, I will celebrate surviving the work. And this year, the celebration will be big because I will have made it to the typical burn-out mark with no real sign of slowing down. Now don't get me wrong. Survival has not been the exclusive mode of work for me, as I'm still finding myself in love with my work, students, and colleagues and still very much view the whole deal as my very purpose in life. The next few semesters may take a slightly different shape as I have resigned from all adjunct work for the foreseeable future. I have enjoyed my semesters in the classroom teaching a class on citizenship and vocation as well as a first-year reading and study skills course, but they have been time consuming and draining, and I'm happy for the break.

I haven't given it up in vain, however, as I have plans for all of my new found "free time". I'm currently working on my application to Edgewood College for their doctoral program in educational leadership. This is a decision that I've been working on for over a year now, and it has not been an easy one. I'll be sure to post my letter of intent for the program as soon as I have it complete because I think it best sums up the reasons I finally decided to apply.

In my non-work life, I spent some time dating a very nice man living in Germany. We were set up by a dear friend, and we had a very enjoyable three weekends together and something like four or five months on the phone and email doing the long-distance thing. We talked some of the long-term and even marriage, a first for me, and although it didn't work out in the end, I don't regret our time together. I learned a lot about myself and how I interact with others. I continue to pray diligently for my future husband, whoever and wherever he may be.

Probably the most exciting part of the past year was the amount of work God's been doing on my heart. I've written many posts about bitterness, grace, gratitude, forgiveness, love, patience...I've poured into books, the Bible, mentors, and I feel that for the first time in years, I have truly grown and matured. And although I still have struggles (see the previous post as the most recent blatant example), looking ahead, I feel content in the Lord. I know there's great plan that my life fits into, and I want more than anything else to glorify God by living into that plan to the best of my ability...serving with my gifts and talents, honoring those around me, and loving God and people. I can honestly look ahead and say that I'm ready for God to blow my mind with His plan which is far bigger than my imagination can even fathom. Yeah, that's definitely the most exciting part of this past year.

As I look ahead to 2011, I am excited to see what God brings...not only to my life, but the lives of family and friends around me. He is such an amazing God. Happy New Year everyone!

It's in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone. (Eph. 1:11, Msg)

Another Single Christmas

2010-12-19T19:13:00.000-06:00

"So, Lindsey...what's going on with you? Are you dating anyone these days?" Kathy asked while a big group of us sat around the table. We'd all had a little to drink which seems to make everyone a little more honest. "No, I'm not dating anyone," I replied with a smile. "Well, what is up with that?" she asked, somewhat jokingly. "What is up with that?" I responded, quite a bit less jokingly. And that opened up the usual line of questioning about what type of guy I liked, what I was looking for in a man, if I was okay with being set up...

After the service in the fellowship hall of my parents' church, Tracy walked by with her new baby boy. A kindhearted old man walked up to my mother and asked, "And when exactly will you get to brag over your grandchildren?" I'm standing right here, I thought to myself as my mom politely laughed and said she was probably still a few years off. Yeah.

"Well, it's either you or you next," Aunt Joan said as we all gathered in the kitchen for Christmas. "For what?" I asked. "To get married. It's either you or your cousin Ryan...although your cousin Jordan has been dating the same guy for a while..." How could I have forgotten?

Going back home, especially for the holidays, seems to get a little tougher every year. The realization that, yes, I'm still single, and no I don't have any babies yet, gets more obvious for me and more astounding for everyone else as each year goes by. After twenty seven Christmases of me having no significant others coming home with me, you'd think it would be somewhat less surprising for people. I know everyone means well, but they forget that as long as the journey has seemed for them watching me live this predominantly single life, it has been eternally longer for me.

I hate to think of anything else but Jesus' birth around Christmas time. But it seems this year, as in the past few years, that others aren't going to make it easy for me as I'm forced to remember just how single and just how childless I am again and again. Sigh. There's always next year, right?

Undeserved Thanks

2010-12-06T22:33:00.000-06:00

Lately I've been struggling with how to best use my gifts...or perhaps when and where to use them and when and where not to use them. It seems like a silly struggle, doesn't it? But this past semester at work, it has seemed that my gifts and abilities are in high demand. That's not to say I've overly gifted in every way...how laughable. No, it's just to say that there are a few particular gifts that I have (organization of massive amounts of tiny obnoxious details, for instance) that everyone seems to want or need a piece of for numerous projects and initiatives.

Today, I got an email thank-you from a co-director of a committee I'm on, and it made me feel terrible. He thanked me for my generous sharing of my gifts for our project, but I have been anything but generous. In fact, I've been downright stingy. I've been crabby, impatient, stressed, and whiny. I've complained about not being paid or paid enough, and more than once I've touted that certainly I am the only one who could do what I did for the committee.

And now, with kind words of thanks in front of me, I feel like a sleaze. How could I act like that to a group of people that asked for the use of my gifts and to whom I accepted the challenge? When I signed on, I felt like the group really needed me, and I, frankly, wanted to use my gifts for them and for the project, but now I nearly resent the opportunity.

But where is the line? Where is the line between wanting to use my gifts and abilities and not wanting to be taken advantage of? Perhaps I'm a little jaded, knowing that as a single woman, I am probably taken advantage of with expectations that I'll just be there for evening and weekend activities... Those who know me well often ask why I don't just say no when asked to help with projects. And frankly, I don't know...probably because I struggle so much with knowing how much is too much, where to draw the line. I want people to know that my services are not on sale. I'm not the bargain basement of miscellaneous services. I have value, a high value in fact, that I feel is rarely represented monetarily. But on the flip side, I don't want to be stingy with my gifts and abilities. I want to share them where I should for God's purpose.

So there you have it. A single undeserved thank-you note has sent my head spinning as to how in the world I'm supposed to negotiate and navigate my own gifts and abilities. Any suggestions on how to sort it all out?

Generational Leap

2010-11-29T14:18:00.000-06:00

"Well, that's it. There's no safety net left." I heard my dad stating this at some point this weekend as we shuffled from visitation to funeral to Sunday church together after the passing of the last of my parents' parents. In a single day, an entire generation was launched ahead from kids to adults, and consequently, so moved all of the subsequent generations. My parents became the trunk of the family tree, and I went from being a part of generation child to generation adult officially. Now perhaps, for my cousins this generational leap was not so much of a system shock as they are a few years older, married with kids and such. Maybe they already felt somewhat officially like adults. Despite my establishment in a career, home-ownership, etc., I still very much feel like a kid playing in a grown up's world.

With the generational leap comes a whole new set of things to think about. Even though I am, in theory, far from having to deal with a parental death, discussions have already begun about business owning and selling, being aware of where all financial records are stored, who to call first to deal with all of the legal issues of death. And although I was curious, I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to think about it. Because even though officially, I have lept from generation child to generation adult, I am not ready for what responsibilities come with the leap.

It's strange feeling to suddenly be no one's grandchild. Part of me still longs for the security that comes with being part of the kids group. But the generational leap is inevitable. It's part of life. So much of my grieving process this weekend was not even about my grandma (although I will, of course, miss her terribly), but it was more about facing up to the fact that life and growing up and growing old are things that are just happening, and frankly, I am struggling with how to accept it all.

How did this happen? When did we suddenly grow up? One minute we're all tying the littlest family member up with jump ropes and playing kick the can or annie-annie-over, and then next we're paying mortgages, drinking coffee, and asking for weed-eaters for our birthdays.

Family Like This

2010-11-27T15:36:00.002-06:00

This weekend has been full of family...way more full of family than I could have anticipated. I talked with a friend on Monday about the upcoming weekend and the traditions of the immediate family for Thanksgiving and in preparation for Christmas. I told her that as much as I loved my family, it was somewhat hard to be home. I find myself falling into old habits of childhood far too quickly...laundry on the floor, not making the bed... It doesn't take too many days, and I find myself longing for the regularity and routine of my own home. I love my family, but we're still trying to figure out the whole adult-child/parent relationship. It's gotten tons better, but it's something that we'll always work on.

But with my grandma's passing this week, the entire extended weekend became an extended family filled weekend. Thanksgiving on Thursday, visitation on Friday followed by dinner out with cousins, funeral today that will be followed by a birthday party tonight, and then church and lunch tomorrow. Despite all the family time, today I don't find myself longing for the peace and quiet of my own home. In fact, I don't want to miss out on any family time. It took a while for me to warm up to the idea, but now, all I want to do is stick around.

My grandparents spent so much time with their siblings that the value and importance of family was ingrained into successive generations' genetics. And I realized as I looked around at all of the family at the funeral today, that very few people today get to experience family the way I have. I know my great aunts and uncles. I know many of my second and third cousins. I know all of my cousins, where they are, their childrens' names... And although every family looks around at their extended family members and comment, "Well, that's a strange lot there," or "They've got their fair share of issues," well, so what. Family is family, is it not? As I ate lunch today with a whole room full of family, I couldn't help be smile as I realized how very lucky I was to know and love so very many of my family. I have taken their presence for granted for far too long.

So, today, I made it a point to talk to all my dad's cousins, to the great aunts and uncles, to the random third cousins I have seen once a year or so for my whole life but never really knew all that well. I left the church with a pocket full of email addresses, phone numbers, and promises to friend them on Facebook. Because as we lose the rocks of the family, the trunks of our immense family trees, it becomes our responsibility, those of us way out on the farthest branches, to come together, to stay together, to learn about each other, and to make sure that we always love each other. Our ancestors would have wanted it that way.

Grandma Konken

2010-11-26T12:17:00.003-06:00

There are many things that I never knew about my grandma until this weekend. I never knew that she worked at the Stout Post Office, grocery store, and several other jobs in Stout. I never knew her middle name (Arlene). I never knew how adorably in love she was with her "honey" through the ages. I certainly never knew how prolifically she wrote in journals. This, out of all the new things I learned about my grandma, was one of the most touching to me...as I sit down to write in my own journal of little thoughts. She wrote about the weather, about who visited when, about what she cleaned or took care of around the house. But every once in a while, a story would grace the pages of her journals, a story of a trip her and Grandpa took together, or a poem that she jotted down, or a prayer.

A few years back, I gave her a journal for Christmas, not recognizing the significance of the gift at the time. And although she only wrote a few pages over the years, she wrote them to my brother and me. Her thoughts wandered from the events of each day to stories of when we were little to stories of when she was little. Perhaps it is true that the apples and grand-apples don't fall all that far from the tree.

But there were several things that I was pretty sure of when it came to my grandma. I'm pretty sure she used to curse at me in German. I don't recall her ever once cursing in English, but there's one German word I recall from childhood that I am quite sure she only used in frustration or in jest. I'm sure she was a woman that knew how to speak her mind. She was not a wall flower or a push over. If she had something to say, well, she just said it.

And I know fore sure that she knew something that perhaps we, as her decedents, may only be slightly aware of now. She knew that food was something much more than what we eat. It is somehow a small window into peoples' lives. In fact, I'm quite sure that she knew that by feeding peoples' stomachs, she could also feed their souls. Sunday lunches after church were never just an excuse to eat. They were special family moments that are now ingrained into each of our hearts. The recipes she made are each tied to memories that we all made together.

So, today, as we all reminisce about the broccoli-ham casserole, pea soup, and custard in the fancy dishes, we're really thinking of the funny or matter-of-fact things Grandma said, the memories we all made, the strength that lies in family, and how very much each of us were loved...something she never let us forget.

A Legitimately Good Day

2010-11-22T20:50:00.001-06:00

Do you ever have a legitimately good day? One where everything is going better than you thought, the phone doesn't ring (unless you want it to), your inbox isn't swamped (for once), and all the answers to your questions come back just as you were hoping they might? Well, they don't happen all that often for me. I mean, I have good days, but today was just a down right great day. Usually in my world, it's sink or swim, oh yeah, and fight the current while you're out there in the deep. Today was like chillin' in the Dead Sea - no work, no waves, just floating along happily, everything going right.

Yesterday, I remembered to put the trash on the curb. Today, I went to work, and I even arrived a few minutes earlier than my usual. I received free biscotti from a colleague who fresh baked it. I went to a meeting that I had very low expectations for only to be blown away by an almost too-good response from all the attendees. The words, "Seriously? No questions?" came out of my mouth more than once. I got back to my office to find only one new voicemail that I didn't have to return as well as a few emails that I had been waiting on with the responses I was looking for. I got a free lunch.

After that, all I wanted was to get away from the office, despite how great it had treated me all morning. I just figured that the longer I stayed, the higher the probability that the day would somehow come crashing down in flames. So, I emailed a friend as a long shot to see if she wanted to play...which she checked almost immediately and called me within a few minutes. We promptly decided to go see a movie (why not?) and then I stayed to help make and consume a delicious meal. Oh, and then on the way home, a good old friend called to tell me she had just been proposed to.

Why am I telling you all of this, you wonder? Well, I'm not sure. It's just something to rejoice over I suppose. And in our busy lives, how often do we take the time to just enjoy a great day? How often do we stop to think of how very good we have it?

Today I am reminded of how very blessed I am, how thankful I am for all I've been given. And looking back on today full of laughter, squeals of delight, even an actual physical jump for joy, all I want to do is give all of it back to God in an act of worship. I know He delighted in my heart being glad. And I delight in Him, from who all good things come.

Slow to Anger

2010-11-18T18:16:00.000-06:00

Lately, I've found myself getting cranky quite a bit. Usually it's directed toward someone or something that I don't see being done "right" so I consider it some sort of righteous anger. You know, as if I'm on some holier than thou kick, believing that when I do things, they're done "right" and when people don't do them like I would, they're most certainly "wrong."

So, tonight after a seemingly "wrong" going meeting, I came home cranky but decided to search "slow to anger" into the biblegateway.com search engine. I got nine old testament passages with the exact phrase "slow to anger." All but one said exactly the same phrase after it too: "..and abounding in love..."

I got to thinking, I bet God looks at earth and his people and thinks, "I think you're going about that in the wrong way," all the time. How many times do I deserve a cranky God looking at me, shaking His head. How many times have I gone about things in my own way, even sometimes knowing that His way will undoubtedly be better, but choosing the wrong way anyway. And yet, God doesn't fly off the handle, He doesn't throw his hands in the air, complain about me and my choices, He doesn't take things away from me when I don't do them just right. Why not? Because He is abounding in love. And being full of love, He wants me to learn and grow. How do I do that? Sometimes by doing things the wrong way.

So, how do I implement this in my own life? How do I cool it and stop being so darn cranky at all those people doing things the wrong way? Well, the only thing I can figure is just love them more, be downright overflowing with love. How can I get so mad at the people that I love so much? They're trying their best, just like I am. And getting mad just freaks people out, shuts people down, hurts people. So, I pray for the capacity to love people more as I try to model after God, being slow to anger and full of love.

Growing Gratitude

2010-11-10T23:53:00.000-06:00

I just got home, and I must confess, I had to convince myself that it still indeed is Wednesday night. It feels like somewhere around next Tuesday.

But I stayed late at work tonight for a great purpose, and I took a thing or two away from the evening to boot. The Wendt Scholars decided to show the movie The Blind Side as a part of Gratitude Week. I was asked to lead discussion, and I left it pretty loose, not really sure what specifically we were going to talk about. As I listened to students discuss the movie, I viewed some of the scenes in a brand new way.

Gratitude, as shown in The Blind Side, is something that grows between individuals. I would go so far as to say, it can be taught. One of the most telling scenes in the movie is on Thanksgiving Day. The family dives into a store-bought Thanksgiving meal and promptly plops in front of the TV for a day of football. Michael quietly fills his plate and takes his place at the dining room table. He is grateful for the meal, the shelter, and all that the family has shared with him. The family, taking for granted the day as a vacation day to enjoy in front of the tube, suddenly notices his place at the table and go to join him. In that moment, you can feel the family realizing how much they have been given, learning from Michael how to express in a heartfelt way, their gratitude. His gratitude changed their lives.

This knew found knowledge gives me something to chew on. The mere act of expressing gratitude can change others' lives. It can grow in someone else's heart. It can rub off on them. Doesn't this fact make you want to run out and share how grateful you are for the people, things, and circumstances of your life? It also makes me want to keep watch for how others express gratitude as to allow the attitude of thankfulness can grow and expand and rub off into my heart. This gratitude thing is more than just a little bit of giving thanks. It's a condition of the heart to be shared, grown, expanded, and lived into.

Letting God Blow my Mind

2010-11-07T20:31:00.001-06:00

Over the past year or so, I have tossed around (although usually flippantly) the idea of going back to school for a terminal degree. About a year ago, after talking to a few informal professional mentors, mainly in the faculty world, I had come to the conclusion that it made absolutely no sense for me to go back to school, fall into near unrecoverable debt, and lose any shred of sanity I may have had. I would be able to do what I was made to do based on life experience and a great reputation. It's more than idealistic to think that to be the truth...it's naive.

But as I discovered this naivety, my motives began to contort and shift, making me want grad school even less. I started out with the mindset that I had some sort of obligation to others to go back to school. My boss, mentors, people I looked up to, people who might look up to me...they said I should. But all the reasons that I ought to go back to school made the very idea of it start to taste bitter in my mouth...as if they were making me do it.

At the same time that the ought-to's were sneaking up on me, making the idea seem worse and worse, God was working to show me a different perspective. A month ago or so, I received an article from a colleague about the holiness of education, seeking out knowledge about God's creation, about things that God has given me interest in. At the time, I didn't necessarily make a connection to my own education, but rather the value of assisting in the education of others. But pursuing education is honoring God with my mind. And doing what I'm made to do is also honoring to God; I'm offering him a gift, one that originally came from Him and is best used only with His help. And in my line of work, doing what I'm made to do, to my very best ability, will require a higher degree of education. So then, it's not out of an ought-to attitude that I feel compelled to go back to school, it's an attitude of love, gratitude, and worship to God that makes me want to do it.

Since I received that article, I have had many conversations with mentors, friends, family, colleagues, and I have learned a lot about others' journeys, my own motives, things to think about as I move forward...but this morning, I heard what I will consider the final tipping point of the motive scale from the very end of the church service. Pastor Ken asked, "Are you ready for God to blow your mind away?" This question was in reference to John 14:12: "Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father." Ken continued with an illustration of the chance to play volleyball anywhere in the world, something he felt he was built to do, but ended up playing college football instead. He built a wall of excuses out of fear and doubt. The question of really wanting to see what God has in store for us (things that are greater than the works of Jesus!) can be a scary thing. What if I screw it all up? What if I can't do the great things in store for me? What if God doesn't really have great things in store for me? Sometimes, it can be easier to build excuses to avoid all these what-ifs.

Well, this morning, I knew that I didn't have any excuses left. I don't want to build a wall of fear and doubt. I want to see what God can do with my life. I'm ready for Him to blow my mind. So, I'm headed to grad school. I don't know where, when, or how just yet, but I do know I'm going...not because I ought to or feel obligated to...because I want to, I can't not do it. The Father calls me to it. And I'm ready for my mind to be blown.

Little Moments

2010-11-03T09:24:00.001-05:00

I have a particularly favorite moment of almost every work day. In the morning, when I finally drag my rear out of the house and onto campus (somewhere around 8:30 or so), I park in my usual spot half way across campus, and I walk to the east to get to my office.

I walk across the campus quad, into the sunrise, in complete silence, with no one else around. There is something very serene about walking directly into the rising sunlight every morning. Some days, I end up walking so slowly, any onlookers there might be probably assume there's something wrong. I don't care. I'm consumed by the moment. It's a daily reminder of how amazing, how comforting, how beautiful our God is. It's quiet, peaceful, calming, stunning... I can't think of a better way to start each day than time spent walking with God on the quad of the place that my heart loves so much.

Enjoy today, everyone!

Humbled

2010-10-28T20:23:00.000-05:00

Nothing else quite matches the feeling. I'm sitting in front of my laptop with a bowl of chili in hand, writing some silly blog about my current lifestyle. And then the phone rings. I don't recognize the number, but I answer anyway. "Lindsey, it's Amy. Are you coming to our meeting?" I glance at the clock. The meeting started fifteen minutes ago. In Platteville. I will be 45 minutes late...at best. I'm the chair of the committee.

I feel like crying. Like spitting. I hate screwing up. I hate being reminded of my own limitations.

Oh, the gracious women of that committee. They smiled, continued on with their meeting, got a ton of business done. Stupid me for being so cocky that this little committee at church would be easy. That it would be no big deal.

So, now that I'm decently humbled, I am back in front of my laptop, back at the dining room table, taking deep breaths to somehow get over myself and move on with the projects intended for this evening. First on the agenda? Updating my calendars. Sigh.

Privileges of Living Alone

2010-10-28T18:04:00.000-05:00

Tonight, I find myself appreciating the many privileges of living alone. It's not often I sit back just to take them all in at once, but over the past few days, I have enjoyed many unique privileges, and I thought I should share a few with you.

On Monday night, I made about a hundred cookies...and apple crisp...and dinner. I proceeded to leave the entire baking mess on the counter until Wednesday evening. There were oatmeal bits on the floor, flour on the counter, sticky appley finger prints all over everything. Waxed paper was strewn about. Bowls left on the counter. I feel no guilt for this.

I have been caught with teeth marks in solid blocks of cheese in my refrigerator. But I ask you, why dirty a knife and cutting board if you know that you'll be the only one to ever consume that block of cheese?

Three different light bulbs are burned out in my house right now. I will eventually replace them, but for now, I'm not particularly bothered. I, after all, know how many stairs are in the stairwell and exactly where the extra toilet paper is in the linen closet.

As I gaze around my bathroom, there is a smudge of toothpaste in the sink, mascara mysteriously on the mirror, the trash overfloweth, and my hair is on nearly every surface you can see. I am planning to clean it up, but I can't say it's bothered me that I haven't before tonight.

Tonight, I used four different spoons for dinner and dessert. I have plenty. And they wash right up. And I can smirk a little as I take another bite off the the end of my brick of muenster cheese, drink milk out of the carton, use my forth dinner spoon to eat directly out of the ice cream container. These are all privileges that I have come to love about living alone.

The only flaw in all of this privilege? Surprise guests. It's happened before, and it will undoubtedly happen again, that someone will ring the doorbell on a Saturday morning, as I'm in my PJs, tackling the giant pile of laundry in the middle of the living room. But you know what? I'm pretty okay with it. It's life. Real. Messy. Ridiculous. And it's a privilege to be able to enjoy all that I have been given.

Stones Cry Out

2010-10-26T22:23:00.000-05:00

Moses stood in the middle of an open field, doing all of his shepherdly duties for his family, minding his own business, and if he was anything like me, he was most likely knee deep in a daydream about life, when out of the blue, a bush spontaneously combusted. I imagine Moses to gasp, wondering what in the world was going on. Wouldn't you? And as he walked a bit closer to see the strange sight of a bush burning but not burning up, he heard God's very voice instruct him to remove his shoes, as he was standing on holy ground in the very presence of God.

In chapel last week, the musical worship leader expressed eloquently the idea that we are standing on holy ground, too. She even went so far as to have us all remove our shoes as Moses had done. We were not in the presence of a burning-but-not-burning-up bush, but we were indeed in God's presence. Matthew 18:20 reminds us that where a few are gathered, God's presence is there. And in Psalm 19, David passionately shares that God's glory is not only expressed where people are, but all of creation is shouting praises, singing songs, glorifying God in ways that transcend language and human expression.

Jesus reiterates this in Luke 19:40. He looks Pharisees square in the eye and tells them that if people keep quiet, even the stones will cry out to God. Stones. They are not even alive, but yet they can scream out the glory of God. The last thing I want is for rocks to cry out when I don't. I want to make sure that I am always crying out, just oozing with worship to God, that everything I do needs to bring glory to Him. What would life look like if everything I did, everything I said, was truly in worship of God?

Lenses and Focus: Follow Up

2010-10-20T11:42:00.000-05:00

Seriously, God is so very amazing. I had no more than hit "publish" to post the Lenses and Focus post on joy and delight, and Jim started preaching in chapel on the very same topic. God delights in us and we are to delight in Him. I could not stop smiling; tears welled up in my eyes. I worshiped God like I haven't in a while. God is so full of surprises, and I do indeed delight in Him!

Lenses and Focus

2010-10-20T10:26:00.000-05:00

As of late, I have been in a fairly serious state. My mind and heart have been somewhat burdened with the happenings of UD that have been fostered by my desire to do well by Jesus and this place. And although the responsibilities I have been entrusted are indeed serious, weighty, significant, I have allowed myself to get bogged down with details, the affairs of others, and injustices that fall far outside of my control.

What is the result of all of this bogging and weight? Well, my passions have certainly not been diminished. In fact, I feel like many of my emotions toward specific individuals on this campus and certain circumstances are driven by the very passion that wells in my heart, something that resides there in inexplicable levels all of the time. But something that has been sacrificed in the process of allowing myself to be bogged down is the joy that used to be a byproduct of my passion. Now it seems that instead, my passion is producing fire, maybe even fury. And frankly, it's exhausting.

In church on Sunday, Pastor Ken closed his sermon by reading Psalm 37:4 - "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." And it struck me in that moment that I had always heard that verse completely wrong. How I remembered and interpreted the verse was, "The Lord will give you the desires of your heart." Ha. Really for the first time on Sunday I heard the verse for what it was, and it sounded more like, "Delight yourself in the Lord." Suddenly, the desires of my heart became much, much less significant. The command here is to delight, to take joy in the Lord. Not delight when you have the desires of your heart, not delight when you feel like it. Delight. Take pleasure. Have joy. The desires of my heart will follow undoubtedly because as I take delight in my Lord, my heart aligns with his heart, my desires with his. It's not the desires I should be focusing on, it's Jesus.

So, a change in focus needs to take place. Or maybe just a refocusing. I need to be absolutely sure that my focus is only set on one thing - my Jesus. It's so easy to get sidetracked and focus on all sorts of other things, people, circumstances, injustice, unfairness, hurt, messes...but amidst it all, I need to maintain focus on Jesus. But even if my focus is on him, the lenses that I use to see and focus in could still be off. I feel, honestly, like lately I have had my focus on Jesus, but the lenses that I was looking through were righteous (and perhaps a good dose of unrighteous) anger, frustration. I was weighed down by the desire for everyone to be better people, to work harder, to grow up. Those were the lenses I was looking through. But Jesus commands us to be joyful, to take delight, more than once.

Philippians 4:4 - "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!"

Luke 6:23 - "Rejoice in that day and leap for joy, because great is your reward in heaven."

1 Peter 4:13 - "But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed."

My focus is set squarely on my Jesus, and I look to him through the lenses of joy. Just like 3D glasses change the appearance of the movie screen, so does joy change the appearance of every circumstance, encounter, individual. It's time to obey the command and take joy, to delight in the Lord.

Buried but not Bothered

2010-10-14T19:06:00.000-05:00

It's Homecoming Week around here which generally means one thing for me - I'm completely buried in projects, tasks, and requests. My voicemail light has not stopped blinking despite my many glances of disdain in its direction. I have a huge list of people I have to call already. I don't want to know what's still on the machine. My email inbox currently contains 229 items and is steadily increasing by the minute. I have salad dressing spilled on a pile of parade applications, coffee dripped on a pile of position descriptions. I have piled piles of things on top of other piles of things. There's a poster on my floor that my desk chair continually rolls over each time I have to get up. I am awaiting essential responses from people that without, I can not move forward on a project that is due at 9:30 pm tonight. And that's just the Homecoming work! I have proposals, course preparations, quizzes and papers, student employment, organizational constitutions, a giant mess of a budget, a book club reading assignment...And that's just work! Then there's that church committee that has fallen behind that I volunteered to lead, my poor neglected house plants, that book I started a few weeks ago...

Do you know what really astounds me about all of this? I am not bothered by that daunting list in the least. It doesn't even shake me. Is it a lot to do? Certainly! Is it too much to do? More than likely! Will I work hard to complete all of it anyway? Absolutely!

This gets me thinking, first, What kind of crazed maniac am I? I mean, really. Who puts themselves through this sort of jumbled mess of a life? Who would want to? And who could actually remain calm about all such things?

But then I think, Me. And the response comes with not a tone of contention but an attitude of joy. How is that possible, you may ask. Certainly, I have no earthly idea. But it's absolutely true. My life doesn't feel like a struggle; it feels like a party! My life is not chaotic or messy; it's well lived in. Well lived in. I like the sound of that. It's a phrase that comes to mind when we walk into a family's home where there are toys all over the floor, dishes in the sink, flour on the counter...to some it may look like a disaster, but to that family, those things might just represent one of the best days ever. All of the mess surrounding me are like crazy good memories or reminders of things that have happened, are happening, or will happen. It's not daunting, it's exciting. Energizing even.

The only explanation I can even think of to explain any of this is that I have a wonderful and mighty Creator. He wired to me love this, to take joy in it. When I'm living as He created me to be, I won't be tired (okay maybe, but in that great, I-just-got-home-from-vacation-tired way), I won't be worried, I won't be shaken.

Over the last week or so, I have explored two scriptures that are really sticking to my ribs right now: Matthew 28:14-30 and Proverbs 31. In the first, we are reminded that we have responsibilities based on our God-given abilities that we should desire to use in the best ways we can. It makes our Master happy. In the second, we are shown an example of a woman using her God-given gifts and abilities to her very best, and she is called noble. I am this woman. I am the servant given much. I desire to serve God to the very best of my ability in the very ways He has designed for me. It may give my life that well-lived-in look, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Thoughts on the Proverbs 31 Woman

2010-10-13T18:31:00.000-05:00

I should be grading papers...

I've been giving some thought to the noble woman described in Proverbs 31 lately. It seems to me to be pretty radical for the time it was written and radical in comparison to other biblical passages on marriage and women. Some of this chapter actually makes me grin - what a woman! She feeds her family (well), clothes them and keeps them comfortable, earns good money, buys and sells wisely and at her own discretion, is physically strong, manages all of the affairs of the household...

But the line that catches me tonight is verse 25: "She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come." What a cool woman. She laughs at the days to come. Why? She is completely certain in her God that sustains her in all of her efforts. She knows that she and her family are protected, cared for, provided for. She is not cowering in fear at what might happen in the future - she looks up, cracks a smile, and laughs.

Now, I have seen this passage before today. I've read it plenty of times. Most of the times I've read it, I've been discouraged or even a little mocking of her. Who could possibly be all of these things? This is not real life. But lately, I've been reading it with new eyes - knowing that these traits are noble and godly. And I've begun to resonate with this noble woman, desiring to be more like her, finding similarities to her. Look at all the things God has provided in my life - the skills to earn and use money wisely, a home to take care of, physical abilities to work on projects and passions... These gifts are from God, and I can use them to the glory of God.

So, let me look up, smile and even laugh at what is to come, knowing that God is in control of it all. And I am provided for, cared for, and protected by Him who loves me dearly.

A Passionate Fool: Following Up

2010-10-10T22:05:00.000-05:00

If you've been tracking with my posts for the last few weeks, you most likely read my post on my lack of balance in my spiritual life. (If not, A Passionate Fool.) Well, since then, I've been asking God to provide me with knowledge of His heart from His Word. I told God I was thirsty, and He proceeded to offer me a drink...from the exposed and flowing end of a fire hydrant. To drown in God's love is a fascinating feeling.

The past two Sundays at church, however, the message has been firmly planted in a singular and clear message: passion. Last week, I chuckled at the irony that God would choose to bring up the idea of passion in the midst of so many messages leading me to seek knowledge and wisdom. They just seem to fall on such polar ends of the spiritual spectrum. This week, hearing the message of passion a second time, I know I heard God loud and clear.

Passion, you see, and knowledge, may be somewhat bipolar in nature, but they are not mutually exclusive. In fact, in my life, it seems, the two are directly proportionate. What I started with was passion, an intense love and desire to chase after Jesus, wherever He may go. I started to seek out knowledge and wisdom rather than just desire. I thought that search would yield, well, more knowledge and wisdom. What I've learned, however, is that what I have actually gained (besides added knowledge and wisdom), is even more passion. I didn't see that coming. It wasn't even in the sermons over the past few weeks.

But here's what was in those sermons. Christians have tried to depassionize (sure, I can make up words like that) everything because passion is unpredictable, it's wild, it's dangerous. And our passions can indeed be misguided. Sinful nature is a powerful thing, and our desires for sinful things are strong. So, wanting to repress these desires in order to strive for holiness seems natural. But in the process, we've also repressed our godly passions, the ones inspired by the Holy Spirit living within us because no passion seems like a better option than the battle between good and bad passions. And when we repress God, when we tell Him to step back and stop inspiring passion in our lives, all we are left with is bad passion.

The very idea of passion comes from God. Without passion, there is no salvation. Without passion, Jesus would never have volunteered to come to earth as a baby, to heal the sick, to love the unlovable, to die on a cross. In gratitude, I can only, I must respond in passion, a passion that is directed by the Holy Spirit and instructed by the Word, an inextricably woven wonder.

Lots of Life!

2010-10-09T00:10:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wonder how many lives I've managed to live in my still-short life of nearly twenty seven years. Some days I feel so young and full of inexperience and wonder. Other days, I feel like I've lived to a great old age.

Tonight, the students of the University Program Council came over to my house for a movie night. I happily came home a bit early from work and anxiously prepared for their arrival, wondering who would come for sure and what time they would arrive. We all crowded into the kitchen, where everyone always seems to gather no matter how many other great rooms there are to hang out in. Then we packed around the dining room table sharing far too much Chinese food for dinner. Blankets and pillows and a host of furniture rearranging made it officially movie time, and I loved that everyone made themselves truly comfortable snuggled up on the couches and sprawled out on the floor, and lively conversation filled the room the instant the movie was over.

I couldn't help but think that this must be what parents feel like when their grown kids come home for the holidays. My heart just smiled to watch my students enjoy themselves, relax, and laugh. And when they all finally filed out the door and to their cars, I happily turned around to survey the pleasant messes left behind...crumbs on the coffee tables, empty cans and cups on the counter, chairs and pillows not near where they once where.

I feel like I've lived so very much life tonight, like a mother of grown children; I'm exhausted, content, and perfectly happy to clean up after kids that I've grown so very proud of.

To Be Given Much

2010-10-08T14:53:00.000-05:00

Lately, I've been chewing on the ideas of what God gives us and what He expects of us. There's a parable in Matthew (Matthew 28:14-30) where a master gives one servant five talents, one two talents, and one one talent to take care of while he was gone. When he came back, the servant with five talents had doubled it and gave it all back to the master. The servant with two had also doubled it and gave it back to the master. The last servant buried the one talent he'd been given in the ground and upon the master's return, dug it back up and gave it to him. To the two who had been careful with the responsibility given to them, the master promised to place them in power over much. But the one who had only returned the one talent, the master called wicked, took away what little he had, and gave him the boot.

So what does this mean for my life? How does this story apply? In the last few weeks, it seems that I have had quite a few people say in conversation something to the effect of, "I don't know how you keep it all straight," or "You make crazy chaos look easy." I usually just chuckle and go about my way, but when the comments come in droves, more than once a day, I have to start thinking that maybe there's something to it all.

I feel that I have indeed been given much. Now, please don't misunderstand me to be saying, "Look at me and how great I am at everything! I'm so stinkin' cool!" That is absolutely not what I am saying. But I know my life is full. I recognize that God has given me gifts. Even just a quick glance at my life reveals that I have the ability to operate well in chaos, organize details, view the big picture, touch people with music...dig a little deeper and my heart reveals an ability to connect with people; to inspire, energize, excite people around me; dream beyond most people's limits...

My heart deeply desires to share these gifts with others, to offer them to God. So what's nagging me about this parable? What is it that I keep coming back to? I am offering enough? Am I choosing not to use some of my gifts? Am I trying to do too much, rendering myself fairly ineffective at everything?

I've been given what I've been given not with the suggestion that I use it. No, it's an expectation. To chose not to use my gifts is a choice to avoid the responsibility God has given me. My gifts come with responsibilities. When I avoid responsibility, I am saying to God that I don't think I need to or should have to fulfill my responsibilities from Him. And I think that's a form of pride. But I could also use my gifts in ways that are not honoring to God or people. I could use them in ways that only further my own agendas, for my own glory. And that's pride, too, right?

I'm sure this is post is just a rambling mess right now, but I have written, deleted, and rewritten this post so many times in the last few days, I just had to get something down and out of my head. Clearly, I still have much mulling to do on this passage in scripture and more listening to hear what God is trying to tell me through it.

On Forgiveness, Confession, and Growth

2010-10-06T16:21:00.000-05:00

Because talking about one topic wouldn't seem like rambling enough...

Last night, for the first time, I publicly talked about my battle with bitterness toward my predecessor in a small group. The confession was a terrifying moment for me as I faced a group of students that may look up to me and follow my example. But I could not, in good faith, lead a discussion about forgiveness and keep my dark little secret to myself as if it didn't exist. It was a moment of vulnerability that God provided me the grace to make it through without completely losing it.

This act of confession somehow is changing my heart on the matter all together. I said my predecessor's name aloud tonight to the group. I said that I knew she must be a good person that does good things. I have not been able to do this since I started working at UD. I have humanized her again. She is not the memory that I've held hostage in my mind for so very long. It's as if the act of confession has tipped the scales, and now I can move toward the process of forgiveness. It will not be easy, but at least I've begun the journey.

Lately, as you may have noticed, I have been learning and growing at an incredible rate. As an outpouring of all that growth and learning, I have filled notebooks and blog posts and conversations...I suppose all in an attempt to have landing places for everything that doesn't fit inside my brain once it reaches maximum capacity. Someone noted last night that I appeared to be deeply saddened by something, but it wasn't moments later that I was nearly bursting at the seams with joy and excitement. And I suppose that's what growth looks like...sadness, joy, pain, excitement...all at once. Stretching and examining and being pulled and pushed isn't comfortable, and frankly it's a little messy. But the result is always good. So, stay tuned, as I would imagine that I have much growth to come...messy, painful, joyous, exciting growth.

Today's Lesson on Forgiveness

2010-10-04T22:21:00.000-05:00

My lesson in forgiveness continues to serge ahead with what can only be divinely assigned lessons tailored for me this week. God continues to place the things I need to hear directly in my ears lately. Such a blessing!

This morning in chapel, we continued our journey though Ephesians. This week, we landed in chapter two...

"But now you have been united with Christ Jesus. Once you were far away from God, but now you have been brought near to him through the blood of Christ. For Christ himself has brought peace to us. He united Jews and Gentiles into one people when, in his own body on the cross, he broke down the wall of hostility that separated us. He did this by ending the system of law with its commandments and regulations. He made peace between Jews and Gentiles by creating in himself one new people from the two groups. Together as one body, Christ reconciled both groups to God by means of his death on the cross, and our hostility toward each other was put to death. He brought this Good News of peace to you Gentiles who were far away from him, and peace to the Jews who were near. Now all of us can come to the Father through the same Holy Spirit because of what Christ has done for us."

Okay, so this passage isn't about forgiveness, per se. But there is something key that I was furiously taking notes on throughout the twenty minute chapel service. The passage says that Christ reconciled the two groups together ending all hostility between the groups. Does this mean that the hostility instantly ceased around the world, and all was well from that moment on? Well, no. Christ declaring it so did indeed make it so, but it didn't make the process any less of a process. Christ has reconciled me to God by His death on the cross, but does that mean that I'm perfect now? No. I am being reconciled. I have been reconciled, and I am being reconciled. It is so, but it's still a process.

Forgiveness is the same way. My declaring forgiveness to someone does indeed make it so, but does it remove the process of forgiveness from my heart? Does it mean that hard feelings, hurt, pain, and all the other emotions that go with trying to forgive someone just instantly disappear upon forgiving? Forgiveness is a process. It starts with being willing to forgive then being willing to work on forgiving.

This is such good stuff. God is so very good.

When God Does Math

2010-10-03T17:01:00.000-05:00

Somewhere back in middle school math, or maybe even before, I learned how to add negative numbers together. And one of the first principles you learn when adding negative numbers together is that a negative plus a negative always results in a more negative number. -6 + -6 = -12.

God's math, however, does not follow this principle. In fact, God's math seems to work in the opposite direction....at least when it comes to matters of the heart. Jesus tells us that the greatest commandment is to love God then the second is to love others. In the arithmetic of love, that's "give away love" plus "give away love" which seems pretty clearly to be two negative numbers to me. But somehow, this equation does not equal an empty heart. No, quite the opposite, in fact. If we give our love to God and give our love to others, somehow we end up with full hearts. Somehow.

So often, I find myself searching to find love, to add a positive into this equation that doesn't make any sense. But the more love I seek out, the more I seem to need to find. Here, apparently positives yield a deficit. How can this be?

And this isn't the only math that doesn't add up the same in the world's math and God's math. Think about it. I have to be generous to receive much. I have to lose my life to find it. Die to myself to truly live. Be last to be first. None of this makes an iota of sense when using the world's math, but somehow God's math makes the worthless have worth. The slaves to sin completely free. The dead fully alive.

My brain desperately wants to understand this backwards math. I want to consume the whole textbook and ace the test, put it in its tidy little box, and move on to the next subject. But God's math when it comes to love is no more neat and tidy than the idea of His grace. There's no single world, phrase, acronym, or alliteration to sum it all up.

All I can do is try my very best to learn the lessons God is trying to teach me every day, read the Textbook, and ask the Teacher lots of questions. And someday, it will all be made clear, all revealed to my heart.

Bitterness...The Battle Continues

2010-10-02T16:21:00.001-05:00

Okay, so a few years back (has it been that long already?) I wrote a post about harboring bitterness. This was an issue that I was sure I could conquer quickly and move on from. I mean, I'm a good person who loves Jesus and wants to follow after Him. Surely some prayer and reflection would be enough to wipe out that little spec of dirty bad feelings. Well, over two years later, that bitterness that I swore to eliminate not only has not gone away, but it is seeming to spread. How can this be?

Bitterness is not like a shadow casting some little dark spot on your heart. Not like some flung dirt that requires only a napkin to clean up. No, bitterness is a highly corrosive acid eating away any surface it can get its hands on. What's the solution for a flesh eating predicament such as this? I can't think of any solution other than major surgery.

So, what's the source of all of this bitterness anyway? Well, perhaps I should first ask where this bitterness is aimed. We'll maybe get back to the source later. As I undoubtedly have discussed before, when I started my job at UD, I began as an island with no bridges, no ports, no human contact of any kind. My predecessor had done her intentional best to destroy working relationships, burn bridges, leave smoldering piles of wreckage, and create sour attitudes in anyone within reach before she left. At least that's what it looked like and felt like to me and others I talked with and learned from when I first arrived. And whether the situation was or wasn't as it seemed, it greatly upset me....to the point that I could not say my predecessor's name aloud without getting fired up over her apparent negligence and poor choices. And truthfully, more that two years later, I still can't. I can't even say her name. And I have done my very best to hide away this corrosive little secret from everyone around me, keeping it tucked safely in the darkest corners of my heart that no one will ever see. Because one of my biggest fears in my work-life is that I would ever be seen as being anything like her. And the more this fear crept in, the deeper I tucked my bitterness, and the more it spread and corroded away. Like a lethal Chinese finger trap, the more I try to fight it, pulling one way in fear and the other in hatred, the tighter it gets, the more it traps.

So, out of this dark corner of my heart, lately I've been noticing bitterness coming up in other relationships that have nothing to do with my predecessor at all. And not only is it effecting particular situations or relationships, its effecting all of my relationships, and tainting how I deal with situations. That bitterness isn't staying put in that dark little corner. No, it's growing, festering, becoming visible to everyone around me. No amount of fear or hiding or fighting will take it away. Trapped.

What is the release from this trap anyway? How can such hatred and corrosion be removed? Something pretty radical surely must take place. Forgiveness. But how do I get there? I feel so very far away from being able to forgive. And what or who am I forgiving? The person or people that committed the acts that the bitterness is aimed at? The actual acts? Do the people need to want forgiveness in order for me to give it? They don't even know of any issue to require it. Is the forgiveness for them at all? Or is it really for me? That seems somewhat oddly selfish, doesn't it?

But am I truly angry with the person or people? Or am I angry at the memories? Can a memory really cause so much damage to the heart? Can I forgive a memory?

Upon reflection, it seems silly to hold so much bitterness, to waste so much energy on such memories, actions, or even people. Why can't I let it call go? These are such trivial things in the course of my life and in the course of the world, but yet I can't let them go. And then my heart turns to Jesus, the only example I should ever need to consider. He came to earth in the most humble of ways, in a form that no one recognized. He was hated, laughed at, betrayed. And even in the midst of dying a terrible death for those that did all of that against Him, He begged for our forgiveness. People, acts, memories, everything. He paid a price for a people that didn't appreciate it, didn't even care about it.

Please tell me how I am supposed to live up to that? I can't. And now, do you know what this ties right back to? Grace.

Here I've been given the topic of grace to study this semester as a mentor. I'm supposed to be able to lead discussions, inspire questions...But I don't nearly understand it. Grace is tied to everything - every hurt, every screw up, everything. Jesus knew that I would let Him down, and He still gave me grace. He wasn't bitter toward my choices or actions. He decided to forgive me anyway. He greed me from the consequences of my terrible choices that I absolutely deserved with a love bigger that any other love.

So, what's the solution to all of this bitterness corroding that dark corner of my heart away? Radical, intrusive surgery. The surgeon? Jesus. The surgical tool? Grace.

Watching God Move

2010-09-30T10:45:00.000-05:00

Watching God move is a lot like watching the wind. I can't see the wind. I can't watch the air move and flow around me. But I can see the effects of the wind. I can see what it does, what it affects, what it touches. I can see it in the trees, across the water, in leaves rolling down the street. I can hear it through the drafty windows of my old house. I can smell wind traveling along as I get whiffs of neighborhood cookouts or nearby farms.

How do I know God is moving? I may not be able to see God, but I can see the effects of every wave of His hand, every smile on His face, every nod of encouragement. Over the past two years and a few odd months, I have been blessed to be witness to God moving at the University of Dubuque.

I have probably told you this before, but when I interviewed at UD for the Director of Student Activities position, I nearly called off the interview because I wasn't feeling too well. I decided that would probably hurt my chances of getting a job, so I fought to get out of bed, take a shower, make myself presentable, and get there on time. I was on campus for over ten hours, attending interviews with students, staff, the president, faculty, the search committee...so many people. I was brought on campus tours, drug to two different evening activities, then finally sent on my way, exhausted. I remember getting in my car and just sitting there with my head against the steering wheel, tears running down my face. In nearly every interview, to nearly every person that asked a question, I had answered, "I don't know," or "I don't really have any experience with that." I felt completed inadequate, uneducated, and inexperienced in just about every way possible.

I drove home that night feeling like I had blown it completely, but still, there was something resonating in my head, something I couldn't shut off or ignore. Jeff Bullock, the president of UD, had taken time out of his day to meet one-on-one with me, and I had asked him if there was one thing that I needed to know before I left campus that day, what would it be. He paused, leaned back in his chair, looked out the window, and started to smile. He looked back at me and said, "There is something going on here." He continued to say that he didn't know how to put it in any better words than that, but that you could just feel something happening, as if the campus was on the verge of some sort of miracle. And, frankly, after more than ten years of miracles that have kept this place alive, the fact that you can still feel that something is beyond amazing.

After drying my tears and setting into bed for the night, my heart settled into a new place very quickly as well. Somehow I knew that despite how I thought that interview went that day, there was something that I was supposed to be a part of at UD. It was somewhat laughable that I'd ever end up there based on my performance that day, but I still knew that I was going to end up there somehow, someday. It was only three days later that I received a call asking if I would accept the position. God moved.

Ever since then, I have been witness to that indescribable something happening on this campus. In two years' time, two campus administrators have been called by God to be here - the Dean of Student Life and the Vice President of Academic Affairs. Both of these men were more than well established in their careers elsewhere. Mick had spent more than twenty five years at UW-La Crosse and assumed he would retire in that beloved city. Mark and Annalee left twenty five years of experience at Trinity Christian College, a community that they had made a significant impact on and that dearly loved them. People like this don't just one day get an itch and pack up and start over. Not on their own. Having only been in any sort of career for five years or so, I can't imagine what twenty five years in one place feels like, but if I were to multiply my feelings for two years here out to twenty five or so, the connections would be nearly unbreakable. But God moves.

He moves in our hearts, moves in our world, and although I can't see him, look at all the effects! Look at everything He's doing! Something is going on here. God is orchestrating something that is so much bigger than each of us that has been called here could ever accomplish on our own. What an honor to be able to witness the God of the universe moving in the hearts and lives of people right here.

John 3:8 says, "The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit." And I think what that's saying is that we don't know the plans that God has for us, we can't anticipate or plan for or design lives according to our plans. But the wind does come and go with purpose and direction, just as God moves with purpose and direction. Even if we can't see it or understand it. Today I am overwhelmed by these thoughts. My heart is full with the goodness of God, His very magnificence. Something is going on here.

Fresh Ideas!

2010-09-29T14:41:00.000-05:00

A few moments ago, I stepped out of a meeting with some folks from the Academic side of campus and from the Student Life side of campus, and the main goal of that meeting was to identify ways that Student Life and Academic Affairs could collaborate better on campus. Most people that work in higher education are well aware of the huge divide usually found between the two distinct sides of campus. For one reason or another, the two departments just don't jive. Usually one department just doesn't think that the work of the other department is valid for them. But the reality is that the work that both sides are doing are both critically important to students' lives, development, and overall educational experience. Working separately works to some extent. Students get the quality classroom experiences that lead to degrees, and they also get the out-of-class experiences that build up communities and solidify beliefs, values, and overall development into functioning adulthood.

But what would be the result of truly working in tangent - working together on nearly everything? Is that even a possible ideal? It seems at first glance that certainly it cannot be achieved, but looking deeper into the concept tells me otherwise. Working with the summer Bridge program for the last two summers tells me that the experience that Bridge students are gaining is becoming a coveted experience - something that all students want. Why? Bridge students end up with a confidence regarding their surroundings, their resources, their new community, while also being acclimated to college classroom expectations and assessing their introductory subject knowledge levels. In a few days time, they get the best of both worlds (Academics and Student Life), and the program is seamlessly planned to work together. Mentors selected by Student Life serve in the Bridge class groups. Social activities are attended by faculty who participate and get to know their students outside the classroom. Groups move almost unknowingly from one type of learning to another, and so far, our data shows that it works, although I won't bore you with actual figures to prove it.

So, what does this mean for the rest of our students? If a third of our incoming students are receiving this intentionally connected Student Life-Academics focused ideal through the Bridge program, then what about the other two-thirds? Can it be done through efforts of New Student Orientation? After leaving today's brainstorming meeting, I am absolutely convinced that it can be done, and be done well.

My brain feels like it is so full that it may very well be leaking out of my ears right now. I have a thousand questions about what it looks like, how much it costs, who is willing to be involved, how I can sell it to campus, how many people it will take, what kind of impact it can have... I am ready to tear apart all of my original ideas of what New Student Orientation should look like and start completely over.

I truly believe that this is God's work happening on this campus. He is bringing people together that are sprouting these new ideas and programs that will set this university apart from the rest of the world. We are breaking ground potentially where no other university had dared to go...and if they have, I wish they would post their research! For anyone reading this, this has probably been a pretty boring and not so excited blog post, but it is possibly one of the most exciting things to happen in my work world maybe ever. And I'm ready to dive in head first to fresh ideas, collaborative work, and maybe even some serious research and article writing to top it all off.

In Honor of National Coffee Day

2010-09-29T10:03:00.000-05:00

In honor of National Coffee Day, I present to you one of my favorite coffee-related songs.

Coffee song by Ellis

Feel free to drop by my office any time today with National Coffee Day gifts for your favorite coffee lover!

Officially Fall

2010-09-27T13:16:00.000-05:00

Well, it's officially fall, and in my life, it means a few things...

I'm sick.

There always seems to be this lull between New Student Orientation and Homecoming that I manage to let down my defenses just enough to allow a little ick bug to sneak in. Last year, I got hit hard with four weeks of sinus infections followed by an abscessed tonsil (which was, perhaps, the most disgusting physical ailment that I've ever lived through). This year, fortunately, my ick is only a missing voice that will keep me quieter that usual for a few days (at least I'm hoping and praying that's all it is going to be).

The leaves are changing!

Every year, as the leaves change and the fields turn golden for harvest, I find myself getting a little reminiscent. How could a whole 'nother year have passed before my eyes? I'm in my third round of school-year fun at UD and my second year of home ownership. It's just hard to believe all that has happened in such a brief moment in time. In a few months, I will, undoubtedly have my annual year in review post, but my reflection on the year's events usually begins around now as so many visible signs of change pop up all around me.

My life is crazy.

Crazy is a pretty typical adjective used by both myself and others to describe my life in the fall season. This year, my fall is filled with my job (including a few new endeavors like Wendt), teaching, rehearsing for the big Christmas production at my church (yes, we've already begun practicing), and I'm leading a team of women to develop the annual women's day seminar at church. Yikes! And somewhere in there, I'm making time to read, pray, eat, play, and hang out with all of the great people God has placed in my life. It is indeed crazy, but it's also crazy good.

Grace & Humility...and a whole bunch of other stuff!

2010-09-25T21:51:00.000-05:00

I was thinking about this issue of grace all day today as I cooked 95 brats for a rainy-day tailgate party. Cooking 95 brats turns out to be a time consuming but extremely mundane activity.

In my previous post, I was pondering the ideas of what people need to have, be, or do in order to give and receive grace, and I must admit that the more I think about it, the more questions I come up with. I find this to be good for my thirsty soul. I was having a hard time pinpointing what exactly was needed in order to give grace to another person...I just couldn't come up with the word that fit. But I think that I've since come up with a word that I am satisfied with. Integrity. Merriam Webster doesn't really help me out all that much on this one describing integrity as a "firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values; an unimpaired condition; the quality or state of being complete or undivided". But that's the world's perspective of integrity, I would suppose. Integrity to a Christ-follower would take on a slightly different meaning in my opinion. The book Uprising: A Revolution of the Soul, (thank you, Megan for suggesting I read it) the author states that "integrity is the personification of truth." And since, as a Christian, my truth is not just truth as in fact or not fact, but my truth comes from the Word of God, then if my actions are aligned in truth, aligned with God, then that's integrity.

I'm not sure I am making a whole lot of sense to you, but to me a light bulb has come on. It's not necessarily compassion, caring, love, or anything else that compels us to give out grace to those around us. It's the desire to be in line with God. And it is that desire that compels me to give out grace.

But what's the risk of giving out grace to others? And usually at this point, I have to remind myself what the definition of grace really is...it somehow always seems to get a little blurry...For people giving out grace to other people, it would be giving out an unmerited gift, favor, act or instance of kindness, temporary exemption...(sorry Merriam Webster, I'm paraphrasing with great liberty here). So, back to the question - what is the risk of giving out this grace to others? In Les Miserables, the bishop risked him home, personal safety, general well being to allow a dangerous criminal into his home, but after that, when he saved the criminal from the authorities, what did he stand to lose then? He could have lost everything - he could have been sent to jail if he was caught, his wife, thinking him crazy, could have left him. The criminal could have thrown the gift away and come back to harm him later. In more general terms, to give an undeserved gift to someone, one risks the potential for some negative consequence always. The gift, is after all, undeserved by the recipient in the first place.

And what is the reward for giving out grace to another? Certainly we remain true to our convictions, build stronger our relationship with God, grow our integrity. We have a chance to change the world for one person in some positive way. Jesus used a discipleship model that obviously worked to change the world in a very big way. And by giving grace to one person even once could change one person's world for the better. And that person then just may turn around, give out grace, and potentially change another person's life for the better, and on and on. Is this the ultimate reward, at least for our time on earth? I guess I'm not sure. That's enough to get me excited.

As I dig deeper into the idea of grace, each question I think I find an answer to only seems to give way to more questions. It seems that as I take even the tiniest of sips, I am reminded how truly thirsty I have been...

Grace & Humility

2010-09-24T20:27:00.001-05:00

Last week in the Wendt program, we watched (part of) Les Miserables to spark a discussion about grace. In the movie, the main character is a thief who spends significant time in prison, and then is released with papers naming him forever a criminal. Homeless and hungry after his release, he knocks on a bishop's door for food and shelter, even announcing that he was a criminal, as if to say, You shouldn't trust me. But the bishop, without hesitation or speculation, invites him in for dinner and offers him a bed to sleep in. True to form, the criminal rises in the middle of the night, packs up the bishop's earthly treasures, knocks out the bishop, and runs. When caught by the authorities, they brought him back to the bishop's house to return to goods, but the bishop swore up and down that the man was his guest and he had given him the treasures as gifts. In a single statement, the bishop releases the criminal from a lifetime of shame and hardship, freeing him of all guilt...only if he accepts it.

The idea of accepting the gift of grace has really been hitting me in a new way since I've stopped to think about it. Because I think that it is possible, and maybe more frequent than anyone cares to admit, to ignore the gift of grace - to refuse it. But what makes us refuse it? What makes us turn away from this gift? I can only think of one thing. Pride. We only refuse grace because we don't think we need it.

What do we have to do, then, before we can accept grace? We must first accept that we need it. In order to do this, we have to lower ourselves to the reality that we've screwed up, that we're not perfect, that we need a gift we know we don't deserve. Humility. Humbleness is an absolute necessity.

But if humbleness is a requirement for becoming a recipient of grace, is there a requirement for the giver? It is compassion? Love? Obligation?

And, assuming Newton's laws are true, then what is the reaction of giving and receiving grace? For the receiver, humility leads to gratitude? Service? And for the giver? Joy? Obedience to God? Peace? Why can't I put the right words to this?

Grace is quickly becoming something that as I learn more about it, I need to learn more about it. The more clear I think it is becoming, the more questions I have. More to come, it seems.

Holy Ephesians! (Part Two)

2010-09-22T22:53:00.000-05:00

I left off in a state of crazy overwhelmedness in part one of this Ephesians 1 discovery at the end of verse 8. I've read chapter 1 a few times since then, so I'm going to try to get through another section of this beautiful letter from Paul.

Verses 9-10: "And he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, to be put into effect when the times will have reached their fulfillment - to bring all things in heaven and on earth together under one head, even Christ." I can't honestly say that at this time I feel like God has made known to me the mystery of his will...I mean, most days it still feels completely like a mystery. But I'm pretty sure what Paul more likely meant was that God revealed how He was going to save us when He sent Jesus, Jesus died, and Jesus rose from them dead. When Jesus rose from the dead, people knew what it was that he had done - and the mystery of God's will was made known to us. And we know, too, how the story is going to end. It ends with a new heaven and earth, and all believers together worshiping Christ forever.

The next few verses, I really have to break down, but verses 11-12: "In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of his will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory." Um...what? Paul, too many thoughts buddy. Slow down so that the rest of us can understand. Okay, so God had a plan, and that was to save me. And I should be saved to the very glory of God. I feel like that makes sense, but am I getting it all here? God's glory is revealed through His saving of me?

Verses 13-14: "And you also were included in Christ when you hear the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God's possession - to the praise of his glory." I can't honestly say that I've ever thought of the Holy Spirit as the down payment that ensures my inheritance. I've always just though of the Holy Spirit as that part of the three-in-one-God that lives in our hearts, and there just wasn't much thought beyond that. But because I have the Holy Spirit dwelling in me, I know that my future is secure. I know that at the day of God's redemption of His people, I'll be saved. And that's the deposit, the down payment, the signature on the contract, if I've ever seen one. And all of that is done by God and to the glory of God.

After reading this passage this carefully, combing through every phrase, realizing what it all might possibly mean, I wonder what Pastor Ken was thinking making it the memory verses for church for the past few months. There's so much here that we're all missing. But, I guess it got me to dig in a little deeper, explore a little further, and I guess if it was just me in the whole church that took the time (and will still need more time) to explore this passage at all, then maybe Ken, or much more likely, God, really did know what He was doing.

When Good Things Go Bad

2010-09-22T12:49:00.000-05:00

Sometimes even the best things go bad. Sometimes they go there gradually, and sometimes all at once. But what are we supposed to gain out of the bad? What are we supposed to learn? In the moments that good things go badly, it's easy to quickly lose perspective, to become bitter or hostile or mopey. But there is undoubtedly some lesson, some growth, some good that must come from bad things.

We know from Romans 8:28 that "...in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." How do we reconcile that with the fact that things will go bad sometimes? If we back up a bit in Romans 8, we find that (verse 26-27), " In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will." This sounds a little bit more like bad things can and do happen. But despite the bad, God can and does still orchestrate it into something good.

There has to be then a certain hope that we just have to cling to as things go wrong that even in the struggle, the trial, the trouble, that God said it would be good, so whether I see it or not, experience it in a tangible way or not, that it is indeed good. And in that hope, I am called to not only endure whatever hardship or trial that surrounds me, but I should actually count it a joy. In James, we read, "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing" (1:2-4).

I am often drawn back to a sermon I heard once at my church. The gist of the entire sermon was that in life we will have hard times. We can be assured of that fact. But that hard things aren't always bad things. And even if they are bad things, they can indeed be good. We don't grow, develop, or learn when things are easy. It is in the hard things that our hearts are touched, lessons are learned, growth happens. So, it has to be concluded that very often hard things and good things come together. They are not mutually exclusive.

So, it is with an attitude of gratitude and joy that I accept (or at least try very hard to accept) trials, hardships, the bad things in life because I know that there is something good that God is bringing me in order to strengthen my faith, to refine my beliefs, to grow my relationship with Him. And that is very good.

Divine Interventions

2010-09-21T14:32:00.000-05:00

It never ceases to amaze me that God has the ability (okay, so obviously He has the ability...it more amazes me that He cares), to constantly align the path of my life to intersect the life of someone else so that we meet at the exact time that we may need each other most. God can work in whatever way He wants. If He wanted to make our lives better, He could just do it. But most often He chooses to work through imperfect us to meet each other's needs. God's desire to use us is a whole 'nother topic for a whole 'nother time.

Recently, I had myself an awfully bad day. They happen every once and a while...even to the most perky, positive, and purposeful of individuals. I had made some vital errors at work (wouldn't work be so much easier if I was just perfect?), and had a pretty rough conversation that needed to be had with someone. Feeling attacked, weary, and pretty defeated, I sent out a call for prayer from a few women that I knew would for sure follow through, just asking for peace and maybe a reprieve from the terrible day. Today, I ran into one of them, Annalee, and we met for impromptu lunch on campus.

It didn't take long for us both to realize that this lunch was orchestrated well beyond our understanding...just at the moment when I needed someone to share with. We prayed together, shed a few tears over the pure greatness of God, hugged, and went on with our day. We both knew that God had brought us together for a purpose. I look forward to seeing what God does with the continual building of our relationship.

And, you know, it's not just today that I've seen this happen. It seems that God has brought people into my life over and over again, for purposes that sometimes I'm not even aware of at the time. Sometimes I need a friend, sometimes I need a laugh, sometimes I get to serve others in purposes, too. I thank God for His divine timing and for the people He knows that need to connect at certain times in certain ways. And I thank God for people like my family, Megan, Annalee, Janet, Carol...

Holy Ephesians! (Part One)

2010-09-20T22:09:00.003-05:00

Since the memory verses at church for the past month or two have been based in Ephesians 1, and because it came up in chapel this week, I feel the need to start there.

I don't know much about Paul, the author, much beyond Sunday school lessons (persecuting Christians, road to Damascas, became an amazing missionary...you know). But out of all of the new testament writers, for some reason, I feel the most affinity toward him, like maybe he and I would have gotten along pretty well. I don't know why so much, it's just a feeling. His writings intrigue me.

When I read through Ephesians 1 for the first time tonight, I had to keep stopping and starting all over the place in a desperate attempt to try to figure out where one thought ended and another began. Apparently the Greek language wasn't so big on punctuation. But there's a strange excitement that results from all the run-ons...as if Paul couldn't even control the words flowing to the page as he wrote.

Verse 3 starts out, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ..." So far I'm tracking with this - praise Him, got it. "...who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ." Every spiritual blessing - like salvation, spiritual gifts, the Holy Spirit in our hearts, perhaps?

Okay, I've already got to stop and recap. Praise God who gives you good things through Jesus. Deep breath.

Verse 4: "For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight." Here's our first look at grace. Clearly, we are not holy or blameless. God knew that. From the beginning. He still chose us. To really comprehend what that means is so very far above my head. I'm worthless but God chooses to provide me my worth.

Verse 5: "In love, he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will..." Pleasure...I'm not sure I really caught that the first time or two through. It pleases God to adopt me. It gives him joy. Even though it was only through the death of Jesus that the Father received me as His daughter, it still gives Him pleasure? The Amplified translation says, "[actually picked us out for Himself as His own]" and I feel like every time I read this verse, I stick a question mark in there because it such a thought.

Verse 6: "...-to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves." Ahh, grace. There it is again. And this time, it is emphasized how free it is.

Verses 7-8: "In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding." I had to stop and remind myself what redemption really meant. Mirriam Webster comes in handy quite often for me. To redeem is to buy or win back, to free from consequences, to release from blame or debt...the only way we get any of that is through the blood of Jesus. Accept what Jesus did for you and you become redeemed. And not only do we get all of the beautiful benefits of being redeemed, but we also get to be lavished with the riches of God's grace. Lavished, as in given abundantly, exceedingly, immeasurably. And Paul let's us know that He did indeed know what he was doing.

I am just drowning in the depth of this verse right now. Praise God who gives you good things through Jesus. He chose to make you his child, which only He can do through the free gift of Jesus' life. It costs Him more than a lot to save us, but it still gives Him joy.

I honestly have to stop there. I keep reading this over and over trying to grasp just a little more. To me, it's still so unthinkable. So immeasurable. All these weeks in church, I just couldn't figure out why we kept reading the same verses over and over, or why they were selected for us in the first place. Now I know. This passage packs so much. If we can even get just a tiny piece out of this, we've gained so much.

Thank you Father for the mysteries of your love, the depth of your grace, the complexities of You. Thank you for adopting me through Your Son. I can't imagine trading one child's life for another, but that's what You did for me. You deserve all the praise that I could ever muster up. Your love is so far beyond what I can understand.

A Passionate Fool

2010-09-20T12:45:00.000-05:00

Lately I've been feeling torn, convicted, and maybe off-balance. It's been difficult to put a finger on exactly what it is that I'm feeling and experiencing, but a recent sermon put it in some pretty basic terms that I think are helping me to sort it all out.

God calls us to love him with all of our hearts, souls, minds, and strength (Mark 12:30 as well as the other gospels). And the sermon I listened to broke down what each of those pieces could mean in our lives. And in discussing the sermon with a friend, it suddenly gripped me that I was completely unbalanced in my approach to loving God.

Anyone that knows me knows me to be an extremely passionate individual. I live life in nearly pure emotion, acting on gut feelings, getting lost in music, laughing and crying hard. If I'm going to experience the world, let me experience it in this way...with high highs and low lows. This is how I love on God, too. My heart is madly, deeply, passionately in love with my Savior. I feel God in me. I feel like I commune with God in a real way. And I can express my love for God as passionately. Songs sometimes flow out of me unexpectedly. Music reaches me in a way that little else can. I move for God, act for God, serve for God...

But do you know what all of this passion has done for me? It's made me incredibly lazy. If I can feel God, certainly I must know God. But loving God does not inherently give me a knowledge of God. I know that I love God with my whole heart (choosing to follow His will actively) and my soul (where all of that passion resides), but am I loving Him with my whole mind? Am I dedicating time to learning about my God? The answer is undoubtedly no.

Although I have not abandoned the Word by any stretch, I have become complacent that I must know what's in there. I've read a lot of the Bible, and I look up verses pretty often when I certain concept or thought crosses my mind. But when is the last time that I have studied the Word? When was the last time that I dove into a topic just hungry to know what God had to say about it? I'm embarrassed to admit that I have no clue. And if I'm not doing that, then how do I know what God says or thinks about the things happening to me and in the world? I won't.

This is pretty scary thought. If I don't know God's heart, then how will I know how to listen to Him? How will I know how to talk to Him? How will I know if I'm even in His will? Following a feeling is not the same thing as following Christ. Lots of things can conjure feelings, emotions and passions. Injustice, family, music, success, individuals...none of these things are Christ.

My friend shared a verse with me today that I didn't even know was in the Bible, and today it's speaking directly to me: 2 Cor 11:3 “I am fearful, lest that even as the serpent beguiled Eve by his cunning, so your minds may be corrupted and seduced from wholehearted and sincere and pure devotion to Christ” (AMP). Could it be? Could I be so passionate that I blindly pursue Christ and somewhere in the midst become lost and deceived? The fact is, Satan will find any crack in my armor and begin to pry it open...even the very thing that seems to drive my spiritual life.

So, excuses need to be laid down today. The excuse, I know I know God because of how I feel for Him, doesn't work because feelings can lead astray. The excuse, I read the Bible pretty often, so I don't need to establish a routine or discipline of it, doesn't work because reading the Bible only to grab a verse here and there is not learning the Word. The excuse, I'm just too busy, doesn't work because I'm not even trying right now, so there can be time if I make the time. The excuse, I don't know where to start, isn't valid anymore because there are things being laid on my heart that I'm simply ignoring.

Today, I will begin to take away Satan's stronghold, eliminate the laziness and lies that I've built my passionate but unknowledgeable faith life around, and start to learn about my God again. The passion can certainly only grow stronger as I learn more...and there is so very much to learn.