Just an Idea

Is it just a girl thing? Or do guys do it, too? Or is it maybe just a me thing? Single gals, you may need to chime in and comment here to set me straight.

This has happened on more than one occasion. I have begun to "fall in love" with the idea of someone....someone, in fact, that I have never met. I have seen a picture or two, heard a story once or twice, and there I tumble. The daydreams begin. As does the googling. The looking for just one more photo. The hoping for another story. 

I don't plan to ever meet this man of my imaginary dreams. I won't ever even probably ask to. It would probably be far to disappointing to meet the actual man after building a fictitious one in my mind. 

Do all women do this? Well, the single ones at least? Are we supposed to grow out of this phase at some point? The looking longingly at his first name. Sneaking his last name behind your name just one time. Dreaming of hopelessly romantic proposals and weddings. Imagining Christmases with the family. 

Sorry if this post is really strange. Every woman I know that reads this is probably shaking their head in bewilderment wondering how in the world I got to be so strange. And if that's the case, well, at least I'm going down honestly. 

And in an only slightly related note, where in the world is the real man that will make my heart melt in reality rather than in dreamland? How do I go about finding him outside of my imagination? Twenty-seven years, and I still don't think I've come anywhere close to figuring this out. 

And in truly unrelated news, on Wednesday, I start school one more time. I have first-day jitters worse than the first day of middle school tonight already. Time to prepare for another great adventure!

Be careful what you wish for...

I do not know the origins of the phrase, "Be careful what you wish for!" But lately, that phrase has been ringing truer than usual in my life in a number of situations.

The other night, I went on a blind date of sorts - a set up by my next door neighbor. My neighbors are wonderful people who I adore and am very thankful for. But when a neighbor tries to set you up with someone (they've never met), one should not always accept the offer. But I guess I did invite it. I tell all people that know me well that if they know of people that I might get along with, they should introduce us. Perhaps some people are a better judge of personalities than others.  (Long story short, the blind date did not go well...at all. We each brought several friends out for drinks so it was at least low key. But I got a text the following day asking if the friend I brought with me might be interested in a call from him. Neat. And she would not.) I need to be far more careful what I wish for!

At work, I'm getting a new assistant director to help me out with Student Activities. Awesome! But that means that in the next few weeks, I have to figure out how to hire, train, and get fully functioning a whole person...and myself. I can't even get myself organized for the fall most years! I am so very grateful for finally getting the help I so desperately need. I have no idea how I'm going to get everything done before students come back. Lesson learned - I need to be careful what I wish for! 

I'm leaving on vacation in a few days. I love vacation. I love seeing my mom for a few days and my dad for a few days. (No, they're not divorced. We just like to do different stuff together.) I love the challenge of climbing to the tops of mountains and the relaxation of shopping and girl-time. Work is tragically busy right now. I have publications coming out of my ears. I'm way behind. But I want this vacation. Looks like I'll be dragging mass quantities of work along with me to Colorado. Oh, and my house needed some major cleaning before it would meet minimum-mom-standards...so that's what I got to do tonight. Okay, I get it! I guess I should be careful what I wish for! 

This summer is shaping up to be one of the busiest, craziest, most wonderful summers ever. I'm excited, thrilled, calm, tense, and through it all, in remarkably good spirits. I have to keep reminding myself that I indeed did ask for much of what I'm experiencing this summer. I wanted a garden, thus I need to commit to weeding and keeping it nice and canning or freezing everything once it's ready. I wanted some help in the office, so I need to figure out how to get them here and give them a great experience. I want a husband, so I need to learn to take the bad with the good all as a part of the process...either that or figure out how to find him all by myself. 

Perhaps the lesson, "Be careful what you wish for!" is really code for, "For every decision you make, there is a consequence. You're going to have to deal with that." :)

There is a sort of cruel irony...

There is a sort of cruel irony to having a love song stuck in your head when you're not in love. For the past week or so, a single song has been resonating in my head: Brook Frasier's The Thief. Check it out here.

The jaded cynic in me says that certainly these types of feelings aren't even possible. I've searched and never felt anything like the words of this song. But the hopeless romantic in me knows that songs like that don't get written because of make-believe or fairytales. They are written in moments of truth and vulnerability.

I hate to hear women complain about their husbands, children, mother-in-laws. It breaks my heart. I want to grab them by the shoulders, shake them, and proclaim assertively, You have everything I want! Cherish it! I don't usually do that, by the way. But the thought has crossed my mind more than once. I know no one's circumstance is perfect, and human nature is really good at making us want what we don't or can't have, but still...

I've been through many phases of my single self. I've been happy and even proud to be alone, self-sufficient, and selectively single. I've been singularly focused on becoming not single in any way possible, desperately love-sick for the man of my dreams. And I've been all sorts of places in between. Today, I find myself melancholy, happy with where my life has taken me but knowing something still lacks. Counting my blessings but yearning for just one more. Excited for the possibilities of the horizon but cautious of what the next day might bring or not bring. And battling the irony that sits quietly beside that beautiful love song stuck in my head for another day.

Taboo Topics on a First Date

[This post was created on 1/17, nearly immediately after the date referenced in the post. Upon rereading it on 3/13, I thought it harmless to actually post. Enjoy.]

This weekend was one of the most unexpected weekends I can remember. The whole thing was surreal. There's a ton of back matter to this story which I've probably already told you anyway. So I'll just try to stick to the facts.

Briefly, a co-worker, and a brave soul indeed, set me up with her brother on a blind date. She also invited me over for dinner with her and her husband and her brother before we had even met. It could have all been potentially very awkward, but as it turns out, it wasn't so much. Pat and I met for coffee downtown Saturday morning and almost instantly fell into a comfortable conversational rhythm. It wasn't long before we were telling our way through life stories and funny memories and laughing and having a great time. Coffee went by, then lunch, then dinner. We just really enjoyed each others' company.

After dinner with the sister and husband, and after a healthy does of men versus women in the game Password, it was just Pat and I talking again. And for whatever reason, we launched into a super serious conversation about beliefs, values, the future, our ex's...all of which, I'm quite sure qualify as pretty strictly taboo topics when it comes to first dates. Not knowing where the other stood as far as religion and spirituality, we talked at great length about that. I can't say, prior to this weekend, that I've ever really presented the Gospel on a first date. This was not ordinary first date.

After a few hours of talking, we were both exhausted and went our separate ways with plans to get together the next day. Although the mood was much lighter and much less serious than the night before, we still managed to stumble into taboo territory including more Gospel talk (including me fumbling through explaining the sermon I had heard that morning), family talk (as in, "do you want kids?"), and more ex-talk.

The idea that dating gets easier as we get older is such a myth. Dating is hard to navigate, exhausting, and frankly, there's more at stake the older we get.

Setups can be awkward.

Setups and awkward just go together. Even long before the official setting up takes place, there is a certain amount of awkward that takes place any time one of the setupee's gets brought up in conversation. And, since it seems to be the season to set Lindsey up with people (which I'm generally all for), there has been a fair amount of awkward floating around.

Before Christmas, a co-worker (who shall remain nameless) emailed me about some work related thing, but then mentioned in passing that she may bring her brother to the gala next year since he's such a great dancer...then proceeded to mention that he was single. This, of course, spawned a trail of emails about her brother between her and I, and frankly, by the end of it all he sounded pretty darn great. 

Today, she and I had a chance to catch up after the holidays, and we talked about all sorts of upcoming work things, and as she was heading out the door, I got up the guts to say, "So, what made you think to bring up your single brother to me in the first place?" "Well..." And then she proceeded to tell me all the great things about him (and he still sounded pretty great), but then she said, "But I'm afraid he's maybe too old for you." "How old?" "Well...40-some." "40-some? Or 40? There would be a pretty big difference for someone in their 20s." "I can't remember for sure...42 maybe?" Awkward pause. That would be, by far, the oldest guy I've ever gone out with. There's a good 15 years or maybe more between us....making him closer to my parents age than my own. It could be weird. It could be really weird. But it could be equally not so weird. I don't know. 

So, after some more talk of his life with several awkward pauses and no longer really looking each other in the eye so much, I asked a fairly critical question - was he even interested in being set up? She responded with an immediate yes, to which I asked, "By his sister?" Again, a pretty clear yes. I'm not sure I would put so much faith into my brother's set up choices, but maybe that's just me. 

After yet more awkward pausing...because really, at some point, what do you say in this type of situation? I wrapped up the whole awkward mess with, "Well, if it doesn't work, we all have a good laugh and move on, right?" I mean, I'd still have to work with the woman. "Right, right," she said as she moved closer to the door. But she left with full intention of making sure we met the next time he came to town. I hope he's into younger women.

So, after that fun little story, my question to my general viewing audience (parents excluded, as I already know exactly what you think of the situation), what do you think? Is 40-42 too old for me? Could we possibly have anything in common? Will it be weird? Am I too much of a kid at heart (or even just in reality) to date someone so much older than me? I am interested in hear opinions. 


Oh, a quick rundown of what I know about this 40-something mystery man: loves people, has worked for hospice, has MBA, currently has stable career, is a writer and has a background in theater, knows how to dance, is a great cook, has built homes in several Central/South American countries, has worked at summer camps for kids who have lost family members to cancer, has recently adopted a rescue dog, has never been married, has no kids, has "good hair"... Now, all I need to know is if he loves the Lord, attends church, doesn't smoke, and happens to like younger women.

Thoughts on Being Bold

I recently had an interesting conversation with someone about the idea of being bold in approaching relationships. Our reflections were honest and from our own perspectives and experiences. 

The determination we ultimately came to was that women have been conditioned to react more boldly than perhaps we were created to react when it comes to relationships. Women initiate contact, make the "first move," call guys first, etc. How did we get this way? I would argue, and please don't interpret this as any sort of male-bashing session, that women have been conditioned to be bold, dare I say aggressive, when it comes to relationships because many men opt not to be. They choose, or perhaps are conditioned, to be reserved, passive, chased after, shy.

Both men and women know, can feel, that this situation, this role reversal is just not how God intended is to be. Despite good intentions, it always feels awkward to me to have to make the first move. But I feel it necessary most of the time to even be able to talk with someone of the opposite sex. And maybe it feels the same to men that are approached by women. 

And it's not like it's a big hidden secret how God created men and women. It's pretty clearly spelled out for us in the Bible. God intended men to lead, support, guide their mates...love them like Christ loves the church. And women are to submit, yes ladies, I said submit, to their mates knowing that they are going to be treated as the church by Christ. We know what this is to look like. 

Satan has really done a number on these roles, hasn't he? He's made women to think they should act like men and given men permission to act like women. As I continue to battle through the ideas of singleness, dating, relationships, and marriage in my own life, I'm realizing that I'm working in an imperfect system that is not going to change for me. But I'm also realizing that despite the imperfect system, I still follow a perfect God. So, I don't have to worry. God has given me a heart that yearns after the role set for me. And there is a man out there whose heart yearns for the same. And it is not my personal duty to systematically dig through the proverbial haystack to, by an endless process of elimination, to find my needle. God has known my name since before I was even an idea in my parents' heads, knows the number of hairs on my head. I don't have to find my mate by myself. 

The imperfect system will continue to drive me to desire to be bolder than my heart was made to be, but I will continue to learn to trust my Maker who has always known my bold, brave, loving husband.

Quite the Catch

Dear Men of the World,

My name is Lindsey, and I wanted to take a moment to introduce myself. Perhaps we've met before, and perhaps we haven't, but it seems that we haven't been able to become really well acquainted for one reason or another.

I'm adventurous. I mean really adventurous. I like to hike in the mountains, go camping, ride bikes, swim in lakes... I've been known to jump off of water falls, scale 14,000-foot peaks, and do spontaneous things just because I can. I can kill a good ropes coarse (including the high ropes stuff), and I'm not afraid to try new things. You like adventure, too, don't you?

I like to cook. For you, this would be a huge plus if, say, you don't. I experiment fearlessly in the kitchen with soups, sauces, international dishes, and timeless recipes. I make my own granola. I make my mom's lasagna. I wear an apron. I'm not afraid of Julia Child's French recipes. That is some serious cooking.

I am a good kind of weird. You know that kind of weird that makes you linger in a conversation just to see what a person will say next? That kind of weird. I do things people my age don't usually do - garden, cook, bake, write, sing... I've been called an "old soul", an "eclectic individual", a "Renaissance woman". I love those titles, and I wear them like badges of honor. Maybe you're a bit weird. I would be okay with that. I would appreciate your weird for what it is. But let's put a qualifier in there - if you're just plain weird as opposed to just a bit of the good kind of weird, then please steer clear. I've had my fair share of real weird, and I'm over it.

I love God like I love nothing else. I sing praises at the top of my lungs whenever the Spirit moves them to come out. If God's not your center, make Him be. He could be our center. He needs to be our center.

To be up front, I am not a good girlfriend, but I want to be. I work too much, move too slow, have been independent too long. I need patience - from people and for people. I don't follow the "play book" well, and if you don't either, then, well, we can struggle through together. It makes it more interesting that way anyway.

I have been waiting for Mr. Right for a good long time now. In fact, I've been praying for him for quite some time, and his family, and our future... Mr. Right, if you are one of the men of the world, please come and find me. Seek me out. Pray for me. And be a good kind of weird with me so we can earn sweet titles together. Men of the world, please be bold, and I will be, too. And one day, you will meet up with me, and it will be exactly as it's supposed to be.

I'm quite the catch, if I do say so myself. You could really end up liking me a lot.

Sincerely Yours,
Lindsey

The Accidental First Date

For those of your following along on Facebook or Twitter, you may have noticed a weekend full of activity (a rare sight in my life for sure). Friday night, I managed to accidentally work my way into a first date which turned out to be pretty fun.

It seems to have become a campus-wide project to set Lindsey up with eligible young men, partially based on the good nature of a close community, and partially at my own prompting. Everyone can see that my social life is limited, but I am surrounded by a great family that knows me well and may actually have social lives. So, permission has been granted to several friends to go ahead and make something happen if the situation arises.

And the situation did indeed arise.

Gail, a wonderful professor on campus, about a month ago, got the great idea that one of her long time advisees and students, Matt, would be a great match for me. She asked for my number to give to him, and she followed through by giving it to him. Weeks went by, and he never called. To his credit, what in the world does one say when calling someone they've never met before for the first time?

At some point, my friend Janet, another wonderful professor on campus, had jumped on the band wagon and was all about the possibilities of setting us up. And on Friday, she called my cell phone out of the blue around 6:30 pm. I was (of course) still at the office.

What are you doing?
Right now?
Yeah, what are you doing? You should come down to the MBA reception downtown. (Giggles.)
Why? What's going on?
Matt's here, and he really wants to meet you!

Um...no thanks? I don't think that a public display of awkwardness is on the menu tonight. But what other excuse do I have? I'm headed home to watch movies for the night on the couch. (Sigh.) Okay. Okay, I'm going. What's the worst thing that could possibly happen?

So, I went, and was swooped up at the door like prey in eagles talons. No escape now. Janet dropped me off right in front of Matt. Matt, Lindsey. Lindsey, Matt. Okay, we're going to get out here. (Poof.) Gone.

Imagine now, two complete strangers, standing alone in the middle of a crowded room, having just met ten seconds ago, completely alone but being watched from all angles.

Well, it didn't end all bad. We ended up talking for a few hours, and we had some things in common. As far as first dates go, I've had much much worse, so I suppose it was successful...although certainly quite accidental.

Marriage - A New Perspective

In reading an article recently given to me by a friend and mentor entitled The Case for Early Marriage, exactly one sentence stood out to me in a way that the rest of the article failed to do: "What most young adults fail to realize is that marriage is a formative institution not an institution to be entered into once one is fully formed." Hold on here a second. Why have I never thought of marriage in this way before? I mean, it really never crossed my mind that it may actually work this way.

Ever since I was little, marriage was what you got to do when you were all grown up, when you had it all together, when you "arrived" and became the person you would be for the rest of your life. And even as an adult, I continued to think this way. I blamed others in a relationship for not having all together (as if I ever did), and dumped many a nice man just for that.

But what I have come to learn is that I don't have it all together yet. And what's more, I'll never be able to get to the point where I have "arrived." Ta da! I'm all grown up! Life is all about growing, changing, a continual path of formation and transformation, growing ever closer to and gaining knowledge of God, others, and self (in that order). And marriage is choosing to do all of that with another person. And just like growth and change for one person is messy and unpredictable and confusing and hard work, I know that marriage will be all of this as well, and that's how it was designed.

Although I am tempted to look back on every relationship that I ended because they didn't have it all together, and in truth, neither did I, I mustn't. God would have steered my heart back to the one planned for me, or maybe He will still. The call will be unignorable. Something tells me I will not miss it. So, with this new found knowledge, I can only look ahead to future relationships. Dating and marriage is in itself formative. It's a choice to grow and change with someone else. I've been praying for my husband as long as I've known I could, and I know that God will bless me as He sees fit, married or not. And I need to be content in that.

Oh Dear

Several of you have already heard this story, but I usually feel better after writing about things, so thus...

Last week at church, I was approached by a man I had met before and talked with a few times. He always used to ask me if I had a boyfriend or if I was planning to get married someday, just, I thought as to give me a bit of a hard time. I would laugh and reply that I did not, and that I wasn't in a hurry. His wife would roll her eyes. But I digress.

He approached me and shook my hand, asked me how things were going. I replied politely, and went to walk away when he started to say, "You know, Lindsey, I wasn't going to come to church today. I had a lot of other things to do, but I decided to come because God told me I should talk with you..." Well then. So, I smiled and continued to politely carry on conversation. The next thing he said when I asked him how things were going was, "Well, I'm not married anymore," while pointing to his ring finger.

Red flag number one. I knew where this was headed.

He went on to tell me about his "other family" from his first wife and his older kids (in their 20s).

Red flag number two. This one was a surprise...not where I thought things were headed.

He went on still to say that he wanted to get to know me and that sometime we should go for a walk or meet for lunch if time allowed.

Red flag number three...ah, this is the direction I anticipated. But, I'm running out of red flags by this time. I was barely speaking at all...just attempting to become invisible right in front of him.

Then he asked for my email address. And for some reason, I gave it to him. Why did I do that?

Twenty minutes later, I was finally free, but my creep-o-meter was off the charts. And then of course there was the little display of affection in the parking lot where this man proceeded to honk his horn and yell goodbye out the window of his car. And to wrap it up, there was the expected email a few hours later asking for my phone number...which I did not share.

Now, all of that seems pretty tame really. I mean, that's all that happened. But those red flags, for some reason, are stuck on alert mode. I couldn't even look at him this week in church. I hid out until he was gone, hoping and praying that he wouldn't come talk to me. He didn't.

Do I have a sign on my back that says, "I love awkward social situations and am available to ridiculously incompatible people only."?

I wanted so badly to just stand up for myself and say, "You know what? I'm not sure what gave you the idea that I was interested in any sort of relationship at all, but I'm not. So please go away." I mean, that would have done the trick. But I just kept thinking, "Christian love. Christian love. Treat him like a brother. You wouldn't want to be shot down if this was you. Christian love." But I think that those lines get blurred and confused between women and men sometimes. My "Christian love" efforts apparently sometimes get misconstrued into romantic feelings or interest or actions in a man's mind.

Well, the moral of the story is that I'm still insanely uncomfortable for whatever reason. But luckily, I have a wonderful church family that are watching out for me. I am so thankful for that. A few weeks away from church will feel pretty good, I think, and hopefully realign my focus away from this situation and back on God...and on other important things...things like mountain top hikes to 14,000 feet. Pray for my peace of mind in the mean time.

A Seminar and Some Ponderings

The life lessons never cease. Today's women's seminar at church was a healthy reminder of that. In fact, today was a really good reminder of those questions and subjects which I struggle with but often choose to push to the back of my mind.

The primary topic that was brought to the forefront today was that of singleness. I was hoping that the subject of contentment would be close behind, and frankly, it was supposed to. I attended a session called, "Single, Content, and Loving It!" It was presented by a wonderfully content and beautiful thirty-two year old single woman who was perfectly content with her singleness. We discussed a lot of things in the session, but the one thing that struck me (not as something new, but as something prevalent nonetheless) was the view of singleness to society.

Society looks at singleness as if there is something that is lacking, something missing, incomplete, or wrong. And although I know in my head that that is surely not true, I can't somehow get past that fact that I still feel like there is something missing.

How can I go about finding contentment despite of these unshakable thoughts? Do I merely fill my time as to distract myself from desires of finding my perfect someone? If that were any sort of logic, surely by now I would be thoroughly distracted enough to never notice my singleness. Between work, travel, grad school, spending time with close friends and family, and, oh I don't know...sleep, I am busy enough to miss a fairly major natural disaster or cosmic event.

Do I pour myself into close non-romantic relationships as to fulfill the basic human need to be relational? This could help, but I may need to find a few new friends. I have a few close wonderful friends, but they are as busy as I am, and we rarely get to spend a lot of quality time together.

Do I get a pet? No can do...too much travel and a historic apartment seem to prohibit that. Do I give up altogether and stop looking completely? The logic there is that once you give up, Mr. Perfect shows up at your door. And although I know that that has been known to happen, I can't say at this point that it makes any sense.

All I can figure is that what I need to do for now is continue to pray as I have fervently for years now and remember that God makes the plans and probably giggles at mine. And I've got to figure He probably knows better that I what I need in my life, now, ten years from now, and forever. So although I have still not reconciled my feelings of unfulfillment and general lack of something, I at least have pondered it rather that bottled it.

"...I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation..." (Phil 4:12) Now I only need to learn to apply it.

Oh Yeah....Now I Remember.

Have you ever had the conversation with someone that goes something like this:

"Well, what do you want to do tonight?"
"I don't know. What do you want to do?"
"Oh, I don't know. I really hadn't come up with a plan."

Really?!? No plan? Even after I told you on the phone to come up with a plan before you got here? Ugh.

Well, I have to say that my pessimistic premonitions of tonight were mostly correct. This guy was sweet, nice enough, I guess. But I can't say I was overly impressed. There are just a few rules you should probably follow when attempting to date me (men, you maybe want to pay attention to this part):

1) Show up with a plan. If I don't like your plan, I will voice my opinion. But that opinion is nothing compared to the one you'll here if you come with no plan.

2) Hold a door or two. This one is not mandatory, but use some common sense. Walking three to ten feet in front of me is not an option...and neither is leaving the passenger door locked when you get in your side of the car. Come on. It won't kill you.

3) The "F" word is not a turn on, so turn it off. If I hear it, even once, I've pretty much already checked out for the night. Two or three times, and I have the deep desire to wash your mouth out with soap.

Is that so hard? I mean, three little rules, and one is more like a guideline than a rule anyway.

Are arranged marriages legal in this country? The prospect of that rather than another first date is seeming better and better all the time. Mom, Dad, I'll maybe even let you pick him out.

Dating...ugh.

Why Do I Hate First Dates?!?

Can someone tell me why I hate first dates so much? They aren't really all that bad I guess, but for some reason they are ultimate torture for me. No one is really themselves on first dates. They are a little more suave (or at least make the attempt), a little more chatty (or maybe less chatty)...just different. I just want to be myself, you know? Where are the best friend-type guys that I've been myself around for the past few years then fall in love with? Oh, well, um...I guess I never really had many of those. Kind of wishing now that I did. Stupid romance movies that set unrealistic expectations in my head of how love should just fall together.

I hate first dates.

My Dream Man Must've Gotten Confused

Day One of WEF's (Wisconsin Education Fairs), was a good one. I had exceptional luck with both the morning fair and the evening fair. Many people were complaining about a really slow night this evening, but I had a good hand full of students and parents stop by. I was excited by it. And the Assistant Admission Advisor from Ripon commented that I was doing really well at my table. That was good news for me since it's really the only feedback I've had on the road.

This morning, I was pretty convinced that I had met a possible dream man, and the coincidents that followed made me even more convinced. I spotted him from across the gym, a real looker. I mean, I really couldn't take my eyes off him. We didn't get a chance to meet then, but I saw him again at the evening WEF, and I was sure I wanted to meet him.

Amanda, a new friend also on the road for the first time from Loras, made sure to help me out. (Oh, and Stacie, if you are reading this, Amanda would be the slightly inappropriately dressed recruiter with the pipes...and yes, she was in gymnastics.) She ran up to him after the evening fair and invited him to join us for pizza. He joined us in my hotel room where I found out some interesting facts. He went to and works for Northwestern College in Orange City, Iowa. This would be a Reformed Christian denomination school (and I was raised Reformed), he new the Folkerts family (a family that I grew up with at church)...and there were a few other interesting things that we related to each other nicely.

I was nearly swimming in crush-ness by the middle of our pizza dinner when I received the crushing blow. He had a girlfriend...a girlfriend?!? Of five years. And she's in med. school. How can I compete with that? Ugh. So, Mr. Clint, somewhere along the line, you must have gotten confused and met up with the wrong girl who happens to be a genius and is probably beautiful. When clearly it should have been me that you are about to marry.

Someday my dream man will come along. Or maybe Clint will break up with his girlfriend.

Someday.

The Tall Single Telemarketer?

This week has been full of unexpected...well, let's just say unexpected-ness.

At work, I've been reduced to a telemarketer calling 30 or more schools a day trying to schedule all my visits (that would be 169 of them this semester alone). I decided this week that I wanted to make sure that I got all my schools scheduled before I left for full-time travel. I'm over half way there, but there are only a few days left in the week. And I have a presentation to watch, a meeting to go to, and a fair to leave early for...which puts time at a premium. I've even gone so far as to give up my lunch hours to keep calling schools. Perhaps I'm a freak. But the truth of the matter is that I actually like getting my schools scheduled and talking with guidance counselors. It's a lot of fun!

In other news... Brandon and I had a candid conversation about us. We were both feeling something similar, and that was that it just wasn't working. We came to the realization that we are very different people. Ok, so we probably knew that when we started, but there was an initial attraction. It was a good and fun three months together. But now it's movin' on time. No worries though. We ended on good terms, still friends and all that. This, I guess wasn't all that unexpected. The past week or so it's kind of been lingering in the air....known to both of us, not really wanting to be touched by either of us...you know.

But that's about it. Life will be getting more exciting coming up very soon though. Be looking here for stories from the road as I start traveling! I bet there'll be some great tales to regale from those sweet and innocent high school kids. So stay tuned!

A Quick Update

Ok, so it's been a while since my last post. A lot has happened in a few short days.

As you know, I went to Illinois for a few days a week ago, and it was so fun. But that has already been discussed. Following that trip, I went to visit my parents for a few days. My mom and I went on a shopping spree, and this also has been discussed. Continuing the marathon of travels, I went to see Brandon at his place in Jordan, Minnesota. What a weekend. It was a lot of fun.

We went to the Mall of America and shopped til we dropped (literally). I found a pair of shoes that I had been searching for for weeks, and of course, I bought them on the spot. I think there's something to impulse buying. I get a lot of fun stuff on impulse. :) We also went to the zoo. The last time I had been to a zoo, I was probably eight, so that was cool. I liked the fish and sharks and stuff the best. Brandon also gave me the grand tour of his area, and Jordan is a super nice community. I liked it a lot.

Somewhere along the marathon route, I managed to squeeze in a hair cut and a dentist appointment. Good news - no cavities for the 22nd year in a row! :) It has been a great week or two, but it sure did add a lot of milage to my car and my life.

Tomorrow I start my new job training (at 7:45 am) and I am so excited! I think it's going to be fantastic. And Friday my parents and Brandon will be in town which means dining out and hanging out. Saturday, Brandon and I are going to my friend Bridget's cookout for the day, and Sunday is church.

So, as usual, life does not slow down for this crazy kid. It just keeps plowing forward at breakneck speed, but you know I wouldn't have it any other way. Wish me luck on my job, and good luck to everyone starting classes this week and next!

On Our Way (Part II)

And now the trip is almost over. We've given our hugs, said our goodbyes, kissed the baby, and it's almost time for sleep. How would I rate this experience? Overall, I would say it was very positive. I mean, let's face it, I do love babies. But this trip has given my a lot to think about.

The thought weighing on my mind right now is the undeniable urge to be a mother. Now, I fully understand that there are most likely many life events that I must yet go through before motherhood takes place, but I can still not ignore the fact that I love babies like I love my own kidneys. (Not sure why this was the first thing that came to my mind that I loved, but just go with it.) I love holding them, smelling them, comforting them, everything about them. And although I am sure that I do not know it all, I feel that I would still be a good mother. And I want it now. It's strange to have this so strong at this point in my life when so much else is going on. There's a new job on the horizon (beginning in the next few weeks), a new boyfriend to try to figure out (and figure out how to let him figure me out), and a fairly new life developing myself as an adult.

There are many other thoughts swamping my mind tonight as well, many of which will remain in my mind and prayers and not on this page. There are just a lot of "what if''s", "what now's", and "what when's" to think about. Knowing that there is really nothing that I can adequately control in life (at least not well), I have to daily (or more realistically, hourly) give all these worries and swamping thoughts up to the One who has the plan. I mean, what else can I do? Is dwelling on or fretting over all my tomorrows going to make them any better? Any more like I want them? I surely doubt it.

So, for tonight, I place my head on this hotel pillow, and talk to God (since we all know there hasn't been a lot of sleeping taking place for me lately) I will be asking a lot of questions, all of the thoughts stuck in my head. But more importantly, I will be listening, listening to what God has probably been trying to tell me all along about life and plan and purpose, timing and love and matters of the heart. And maybe that's what's been missing lately in my life anyway, my ability to even try to listen to God. Even when I feel that I have surrendered all my worries (and even when I have surrendered it all) I still often fail to really stop and listen. "Sure God, here's my life. I'm giving it to You, but don't expect me to put in any real effort. That may just be too tough." Well, it's time to straighten up, listen up, and maybe God will wise me up. That's the hope for tonight anyway.

On Our Way

Well, here I am, sitting in a hotel room with Brandon and his family...one hotel room...all of us. Now, I don't find this completely strange, but if the roles were reversed and this was my family and Brandon sitting in the room...well I just can't even visualize it. Is that strange?

But we're here in Decatur, Illinois (or somewhere close at least), and I can't wait to see that new beautiful baby and hold her. I love babies. There's something about little babies that just warms my heart and soul. It makes me want to be mom every time.

Tonight was great though. Lots of good time in the hot tub and the pool. Lots of good times in the vehicle, too. I expect the rest of the trip to be very good. I love this family.

Anyway, this entry, I must admit, is one of my most dull, but perhaps there will be a part two that will be much more interesting...like how my day went with the cute baby. :)

Someone Who Gets Me

After a phenomenal chat on the phone with my certain someone, I have come to the conclusion that it is really nice to have someone who gets me, really gets me. Every word that we said seemed to hold a shared sentiment by the other. It was comforting.

You know what else is comforting? Having Someone that gets you all the time, no matter what mood or events surround me. I could be in the deepest depths or on top of the highest mountain, and there is Someone who is standing by my side. God never is baffled by my actions or worried about my reactions. After all, He wrote the book of my life before I ever existed, did He not?

God, thank You so much for always getting me, for understanding my ups and downs, my strange behaviors, and my ever-changing attitudes. Thank You for never bailing on me, even if I may bail on You every now and then. I am not perfect, far from it in fact, but You are. So I don't have to doubt Your power or Your love. It'll always be there. You will always be there. Please don't ever let that thought leave my mind. Maybe then I would be more faithful, more grateful, more trusting of You. You are my God and my Creator. Thank You. Thank You. Thank You. I love You more than words can express.

A Thief I Am

Today was quite the exciting day. Not only did I get to nanny for a very fussy teething 14 month old, but I took a new road home, and broke into my boyfriend's parents' house. Yep, it was an exciting day.

Ok, so I can't deceive you for too long. Obviously, someone like me could not just break into a home without permission and just mess the place up. Actually, I ran into Brandon's parents and Wal-Mart today as they were buying pink paint, and I asked them for a copy of a photo. Gail told me just to stop by after work even though no one would be there. So I did. But I did take a photo that I didn't have permission to take...but I left a note and promised to bring it back. So, I feel that justifies it.

In comtemplating the rest of my life, I have come to the conclusion that time moves way too fast. And with each year, more forward motion takes place. You cover more ground in less time as you race to some unknown finish line somewhere. I mean think about it. In the past five years you've accomplished some high school and college. And sure, now you may have a job and such, but think about what the next five years holds in store. Wedding? Babies? A house? Who knows...maybe none of it. But all that stuff sure seems way more substantial than an education. What's life going to be like when we're forty or fifity? Will we even be able to hold on? That was just the thought plaguing my mind today.

Oh, and as a bonus to this post...a photo. Aren't we cute?