Resolutions Update

We're almost all the way through February (which in and of itself is kind of hard to believe), but I thought it seemed like an appropriate time to give a quick New Year's resolutions update...because I know you're just dying to know...

1) I want to eat one fruit and one vegetable each day. 

As it turns out, this one started out being far harder than I anticipated. I should be more specific though. I wanted to each one fruit and one vegetable intentionally each day...which is really far different that just consuming one of each somewhere amongst all the other foods we eat. For instance, lettuce on a taco does not a vegetable make. I have however, made some judgement calls on this one. There are a few soups I've made that are almost all vegetables. Great! Vegetable done! I'm very happy to report that I have only missed one day with a vegetable and no days with fruits! And I actually woke up in the middle of the night (just past midnight) and remembered that I had not consumed a vegetable, and I debated for just a moment whether it was worth getting up and microwaving some frozen peas for. It was not. I'm pretty darn excited about my 98% completion rate so far, and I look forward to the rest of this very healthy habit forming resolution. 

2) I want to run 500 miles this year. 

Sadly, I must report that I am falling pretty far behind on this one. I want to run more than two or three days a week, but let's be honest - my life is cray-cray (as the kids say these days). I spend 60 hours a week at work while also trying to get 5-10 hours of homework in each week while also going to church, trying to be social, and oh yeah, sleeping. So running happens when it happens. I've currently completed a mere 49 miles, hitting 9.75% of my entire goal, when the calendar tells me I should be at nearly 15%. However, I am not fretting about this one just yet. Summer is coming! Delightful, glorious, long-day-filled summer! Although I didn't keep a tally from last summer, I was averaging over 4 miles a day...everyday. And then there's that little mountain climbing adventure, and while not technically running, if you don't think I'm going to count those miles, you're sick and very wrong! In four days I'll probably crank out something like 50 miles of strenuous rock-stair-stepping. Close enough to running I say! 

As far as my general desire for more discipline, I certainly think about it a lot more than I ever have, so that's a start, right? However, my bed largely remains unmade; the kitchen typically has at least one dish on the counter; that darn snooze button continues to plague me; and I still reach for a second dessert in the cafeteria a lot of days. But discipline must be thought of as more of a journey than a destination, I suppose.

How are your resolutions coming? Have you kept them? Dropped them? Don't let them beat you! Spring is coming! Be inspired and get after it!

Silent Wonder

Some days I wish I was a silent wonder.

There are some days that the things that come out of my mouth aren't really all that nice. In fact, I can have the tendency to be downright mean. And it's not that I'm completely mean spirited because I'm not (at least I don't think I am). But there are the days when I'm sitting around a table, listening to people talk about their co-workers or their "friends", about how obnoxious they are or how they talk too much, and instead of doing, well anything else, my first inclination is almost always to just jump right in.

Or there are the days when I say something just because I think it might get a laugh. And it doesn't. Or maybe it does but maybe only because it's the mean spirited, cruel-world stuff that everyone tends to laugh at whether they really think it's funny or not. 

And then there are the days when I've talked myself into a corner, and I get trapped there. "But didn't you say just the other day that...?" Oh how I hate hearing that phrase. It usually requires a reply like, "Well, sure but what I really meant was..." or "Are you sure that's what I said? You must have misunderstood". 

Those kinds of days, I wish I didn't speak at all. This is one of the many situations that leads me back to sweet, honest, analytical Paul. I chuckle in reading his thoughts on pretty much this very matter because I would imagine that my writings sound a lot like his... 

Romans7:15-24: For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! 

Can't you just here him talking to himself in his house at night the same you can hear me talking with myself? Crap, Paul. Why in the world did you keep talking to those guys and agreeing with them about that very not funny thing?! And why did I judge that woman shopping downtown today? I really shouldn't do that...why do I do that? I'm the very same way... Lindsey! Seriously! What made it okay to ask about that confidential situation in a very public setting today? And could you have been any more insensitive to that student? What is wrong with you? 

Ahh, but by grace, we are all works in progress. I am not perfect. And as much as I strive for perfection, sin is still at work in me. It's pretty hard to shake a sin nature (okay, so it's impossible while I'm alive, I know). So, I ask for forgiveness sincerely from God and people, I pray for strength to be more in tune with God's nature and far less in tune with sin's, and that's what I can do. And I will probably say something stupid tomorrow because I'm not actually a silent wonder. And for this world and this life, I'm just going to have to live with that.  

Lose-lose, but maybe that's the point.

Perhaps I've written about this before. It certainly has not been a single isolated incident in my life. But as of late, I have been facing a decision that has plagued me, tormented me, really, as to what would be the right decision. When I find myself in this situation, my first inclination, and perhaps rightfully so, is to pray for guidance. I ask God to show me the way to go. With this particular decision, I've gone so far as to beg God to treat me like a toddler in a busy mall: put Your hand on my head and physically turn me. But as I continue to plead for unquestioned guidance, I feel more and more like God is refusing. And I don't feel that it is out of His frustration with my indecision. This is a lesson I may need to learn that I simply couldn't if I relied on hand-on-head guidance.

As the decision has been laid out in front of me, it has seemed to develop its own new layers, digging itself ever deeper into complexity and confusion, making the decision more difficult by the day. I actually made the decision once, very clearly stating my intentions, but the decision refused to allow itself to be made, and it came back to me again, not just once, but four times so far. It has become so complicated, in fact, that something that started as a seemingly win-win situation has evolved into what I now feel is more of a lose-lose.

But maybe that's the point. Maybe every once in a while, I need to be forced to choose, even in a lose-lose decision, so that God can show me that He can turn which ever way I go into a win. And He can. Even if I make the "wrong" choice, will He not guide me back? Will He not choose to use it for good? We're told in no uncertain terms that God uses everything for good. Amongst all of the layers and shadows and minutia and cruddy details of this decision, it's so easy for me to forget God's providence and goodness. How much He cares for me. How He has provided me a distinct purpose.

Next week, as I force myself to sit down in one more meeting for this torturous decision, I will peel back the weight of the sheer pressure of making the "right" decision. I will take a deep breath, and I will confidently make a decision. And God will surely use it for good as I continue to chase His heart.

Snow-tastic

Look, everybody that knows me knows that I'm not a huge fan of snow. I'm not sure how I ever got this way. Maybe it's because I am perpetually cold (even in the summer), or maybe it's because I like the bottoms of my pants to stay clean for an entire day. More than likely it's because I don't feel particularly safe in winter - winter driving, winter walking, and let's not even make mention of the perils of winter sports...all dangerous. 

So, what's a person to do when they don't like winter. Well, I could choose to move south. In my career field, I'm not necessarily locked into a location forever, so it could be a possibility...but probably not for the next few winters at least. I could, as some have suggested, fake it, changing the way I think about snow altogether. I have tried to muster every positive thought about snow that I could manage, and although I happen to think that snow, at the moment it is falling, prior to roadsides looking filthy, is pretty, I haven't found much else to love about it. I could recite, "Snow is so pretty! Snow is so pretty! Snow is so..." over and over again while driving my car through it, but my guess is that the moment my tires slip or the guy in front of my fishtails, "...pretty!" will not be the thought that shoots through my head. 

I may have a few other choices, like living in complete denial. "Snow? What snow?" But people may quickly begin to think I've lost it. Or, somewhat related to denial - distraction. This is probably the route I try to go for this winter. If I can't beat it, love it, or fake my way through it, perhaps I can just fill my head with a thousand other thoughts...not too tough in my life; there are enough spare random thoughts to go around. Whenever a rouge and disgruntled thought of snow comes to mind, I will simply beat it back with thoughts of, well, anything else. Grad school projects, dissertation topics, how good the office coffee is today, what might happen next on Once Upon a Time, the last date I cleaned my bathroom, upcoming trips, summer vacation, the to-do pile on my desk...oh yes, I think I can come up with enough. It may not be the ideal solution, but for today, it's worth trying to keep me from being a winter-long scrooge. Nobody likes a scrooge, but maybe people can like an extremely distracted Lindsey.

Life-Changing

A few weeks back, I went to have dinner with Megan and Eric. Megan started to make dinner and I made attempts to be helpful. I like to cook, but I can be a little gun-shy in other people's kitchens. She was making cheeseburger soup (which was delicious, by the way). I watched her move around the kitchen comfortably, taking to tasks as she usually did, and I began to notice something very different between the way she cooked and the way I typically cooked. She began to brown the hamburger, and meanwhile set the table. After the hamburger was done, she added it to the soup base, and nearly immediately went to scrubbing the pan the hamburger was in. She opened a package, unwrapped a product, or shaved peeling off of something, and all waste was immediately brought to the trash. By the time we sat down to eat, every spare spoon that was used was in the dishwasher, every spill was wiped up, and every piece of trash was trashed, leaving just the pot of bubbling soup, a ladle, and the set table. 

You may be reading this thinking, "I don't get it. What's so special about this story?" Well, if you know me at all, when I cook, it's a hot mess. Containers of food end up everywhere, wrappers are left strewn about, dirty spoons line the counter. And when I'm done enjoying my delicious concoction, I usually look back at the kitchen with a fair amount of disdain, really regretting that I would now have to clean up a mess. 

Last week, I decided to try my wise friend's method of cooking-cleaning. The change did not seem so stark while cooking necessarily. I had plenty of time while waiting for water to boil or meat to cook to pick up the trail that accumulated for just that step. It wasn't until after the meal that I realized just how momentous this experience had been. For the first time, maybe ever, I looked back into the kitchen and didn't hate what I saw because it just looked like my kitchen rather than my kitchen piled high with a giant mess. I blissfully took my one plate and fork to the dishwasher, and put the leftovers in the fridge. Done. 

Usually when things are described as "life-changing" they are really pretty significant, like realizing you have the power to climb a 14,000-foot mountain or something, but this tiny little quirky trait of Megan's that I witnessed, attempted, and then promptly implemented fully into my life was truly, absolutely life-changing. It kind of makes me wonder what sort of other life-changing habits I could explore that I've been missing all these years. Could I be doing laundry better? Are there rules to gardening I've missed? Are there things I could become more efficient in at work? Life-changing things don't have to be huge, they just have to...well, change your life! Do you have a life-changing discovery for me? Can you teach me something that will revolutionize one itty-bitty piece of life for the better? I would love to learn it.

Normal

Every once in a great while, I get a reminder of what a "normal" person's life might look like: an unscheduled weekend with no plans, a night set aside to just watch TV, moments of tedium at work... My immediate response is almost always, "BO-RING!" What do people DO with that kind of time on their hands? How into one TV show could a personal possibly get? You mean your work looks like this every day? 

But I think I know why I usually have this reaction to many folks' "normal." I really actually view my life as "normal," and theirs as bizarre. And I am quite sure that on the other side of the coin, people think the same of me. To me, "normal" is that my only sitting still time is almost always coupled with research or writing time. "Normal" is spending 50-60 hours a week at work in a slow week. "Normal" is mixing passion projects into the tiny slivers of freedom I may find (like gardening, house renovations, cooking...). "Normal" is rarely sleeping in, even more rarely going to bed early, and never taking naps. "Normal" is cramming in time for health (like working out at least three times a week, refusing freezer-to-microwave meals, prayer, loud singing...). 

What? That doesn't sound "normal" to you? 

Yep, I know "normal." I feel "normal." And I kind of like "normal."

Eating Cake

I'm really not a fan of when people say things like, "Oh, well, of course you can have that huge piece of cake. With a body like yours, you can probably eat anything you want... Some of us aren't so lucky." Really? Is that really what you believe? That may have been the case when I was in junior high and high school, eating everything on earth with no consequence. But it probably was for you, too, snide, jealous person. 

In reality, the only reason why I can choose to have this giant piece of cake right now is because I have a date with four miles and treadmill tonight. And tomorrow. And Saturday. In fact, this year I might just eat lots of cake because I expect to have a few hundred dates with over 500 miles. I will add romance to those dates with lovely little protein shakes and energy bars, and I will entice and excite a few more miles with maybe a new pair of shoes or a cute workout outfit. And then, I will bask in the afterglow of every one of those dates, knowing I earned my piece of cake, and the glorious body that you are so jealous of right now. 

So, go ahead and keep publicly refusing cake and feeling sorry for yourself if that's the route you choose. As for me, I choose to have my cake, and my workouts, and my rockin' body, too!

Dear Future Husband

Dear future husband,

I've written to you before, but this time, I have one specific thing on my mind. Tonight I went for a nice hard treadmill run. It's the dead of winter, I'm not a huge fan of treadmills, but I went. Why? In fact, why do I workout at all? 

I mostly do it for me. I feel better, look better, and am better with every workout. It's good for my heart, good for my mind, good for every muscle I've got. I feel stronger than I've ever been. With each workout, I feel stronger. At this rate, by the time I'm 80, I will be Super Woman.

But secretly, I also do it a little bit for you. Someday when we meet, I hope to take your breath away. But I'm not going to show you everything right away. You will wonder why I dress so conservatively until we're actually married, and then you will understand. Even as a conservatively dressed lady, you'll have to beat back the other guys, keeping their eyes away from me. You'll hate that you've got to do this...until we're actually married. After that, you'll just smile, knowing that you're the only one that ever gets to take me home at night.

So, even though I'm intrinsically motivated to keep on working out for myself, know that you're always in the back of my mind.

Love, 

Your future wife

Actual Resolutions...why not?

Okay, so I had the hunch that I would need to add more discipline to my life this year. [Side note, when I revealed my "resolution" to the neighborhood when the inevitable topic came up at last night's party, I got a pretty expected response: "You? Discipline?" Oh, what little people know about people's lives...] But I've decided, in the spirit of discipline, that maybe I did need a few actual resolutions. Attainable ones. Ones that are good for me. So, here we go. 

1) I want to eat one fruit and one vegetable each day. 

This seems pretty simple, and for most people, is probably second nature. It's basic balanced diet science. But, in reality, I don't think I really do eat a fruit or vegetable each day. I maybe get one or the other in most days. But I would like to commit to eating one of each every day. Oh, and french fries don't count. Nor does a sprinkle of lettuce on a taco. Cheating on this is really just cheating myself out of better health. 

2) I want to log 500 miles.

I've seen a few friends publicly committing to this, and I think I can totally achieve it. Here's what I will count in my logging: running, treadmill-ing, elliptical-ing, biking, and serious walking. In case you're curious, it averages out to 1.67 miles a day. And everything else will just be bonus. Yoga, fitness classes, walking around campus...all just good things to do.

So there you have it. I've fallen victim to the cliche resolution-making tradition that so many do. Here's to discipline and new good habits in 2012!

The Theme of 2012

I rarely set New Year's resolutions; it just seems so cliche. But every once in a while, I just get a hunch, call it intuition, call in divine intuition of something that I should focus on. Lately, I've been feeling guided toward discipline. Now don't smirk. Just because my life is, um, full, doesn't mean that I live with a great deal of discipline.

Prime examples of my general lack of discipline include the general state of my house, for one. Piles of laundry on the floors of multiple rooms, dirty counters and dishes, stacks of mail in plain sight, general bathroom nastiness.... I do not have discipline in my own home. In fact, if anyone ever came over as a surprise, they might assume that I have several small children or roommates. But no. Just my own filth. 

School is actually another great example. I, as I always have, procrastinate most projects. And although I usually claim that the pressure of the time constraint makes me perform better, that is a lie I've convinced myself of. It's just a lack of discipline.

The state of my office. Waking up late for work. Inconsistencies in workouts and healthy choices. Mowing the lawn with any regularity at all. Reading scripture. Reading anything. 

In talking with a good friend the other night, in talking about someone else's life actually, she said that lack of discipline usually doesn't just affect one area of life. It bleeds into all areas of life. So, then the opposite must also be true: discipline leads to more discipline. If I can build a few good habits intentionally, then perhaps it will follow in other areas of my life and end up as a pretty significant change. And that would be very good.

2011: A Year in Review

This year is quickly drawing to a close, and as has become my usual habit, I thought I'd take some time to reflect on what in the world has all happened in my life. I have probably said this every year, but this year I mean it more than ever: as I get older, time only seems to go faster. Just about the time I've learned to really appreciate life, it goes to fast to even remember it.

2011 has certainly been a good year when it's all said and done, more positives than negatives surely. In fact, I feel quite blessed as I look back over the last year. 

I have successfully completed two classes at Edgewood in full-time doctoral student mode. And not only have a I finished them, I have truly falling in love with the work. I feel a certain academic sharpness returning to my brain and fingertips as I pour over articles, books, studies, and my own academic writing and presentations. And although I haven't come close to determining a dissertation topic yet, I think I will love diving into such a monumental project. Along the way, I hope to get published a time or two or invited to present at a conference or two, all in hopes of advancing my knowledge and expertise in my field to be able to serve my campus and my students better. All such things really just bring me joy. I know most people think that there must be something wrong with me to work so hard, at such a breakneck pace, but the fact of the matter is, I was created just this way, to fill my time with service to others, learning and growing along the way. 

At UD, I'm in my fourth cycle, and no two years have ever looked the same. This year, I was blessed with the addition of a co-worker in my department after flying solo for three years. Danielle has been such a wonderful addition to the department - so full of energy, fresh ideas, and a heart for students and their passions. And although this first year has been a lot of job sharing and shadowing rather than independent projects and assignments, I couldn't be more pleased. We've built a synergy that has blown the lid off of a lot of old ideas and really revolutionized how we approach a lot things on campus. I am always amazed to think that Danielle has only been out of undergrad for a year and a half. She is just so wise and steady. In my first years here, I had a fair share of meltdowns and tantrums normal to a fairly new professional, but if she ever melted down and got shaky at all, I never saw it. She is amazing, and I'm blessed to have her at my side. 

As for professional goals for the future, although still not much of a plan-maker, I can see for the first time, real possibilities for me to be a leader in higher education. As I continue through my doctoral program and various committees and leadership roles at UD, I can see real potential for myself as an administrator. Administration, even upper levels of administration, have always sort of been on my radar but maybe never really all that seriously. I struggle frequently with feeling too young, too inexperienced, to uneducated, but with each year that passes, I become, as one would, a little older, a little more experienced, and a little more educated. For the first time, deanships, vice presidencies, and even presidencies or chancellorships do not seem all that out of reach. So, I find myself, as I enter 2012, getting a little more serious about not only service to students and my campus, but also advancement opportunities for myself. Things like conference presentations and publications, professional mentor relationships, and intentional skill-building are all on the horizon for the upcoming year. The only word that adequately describes what I get to do for a living is love.

Speaking of love, my "love life" has sort of been all over the map this year, but I have spent another year without my husband's hand in mine. I dated a non-Christian 17 years my senior for several months that included several trips to Chicago, lots of fun nights out, and some pretty epic discussions on faith and values. And I didn't officially ever date a man that I ended up developing some pretty significant feelings for, but that wasn't meant to be either. And, of course, I went on a few genuinely awful blind dates, one provided by a neighbor that I am very thankful to have brought a few friends along to, one facilitated by nearly the entire UD football coaching staff on behalf of an offensive line coach who had apparently made it no secret that he was interested in me. But all in all, I can't say I'm disappointed in my experiences this year in the dating realm. With every experience, every awkward date, every heartfelt discussion, I'm learning more about myself, more about men, more about what relationships can be. And I hold on to the fact that God is far bigger than each of these experiences. He's far wiser, far better, and has a far more glorious plan for me. I have not lost hope; I have only gained a deeper more sure hope. 

My neighborhood continues to bring me surprising joy. The hodgepodge of random people that we are, we can still find common ground over summer Saturday potlucks, downtown festivals and city home tours, fire pits complete with marshmallows, and a good beer or two. Produce grows richly and is shared freely, and doors are always open. There aren't many neighborhoods left like this. People have become secluded and secretive, not looking for relationships of proximity anymore. We're not without our individual strangenesses, but we just decide to get along and enjoy each other because we're there. 

I added a few hobbies to my already crazy life, most notably of which was running. I always thought there was something different about runners than the rest of society. They were somehow more disciplined, more dedicated, maybe just more crazy than others. I was always sort of jealous of runners and the ease with which they seemed to float past, sometimes even with a smile and a wave as they went. Early this summer, I decided to try it, and as I suspected, I hated it. I made it maybe five minutes before I sulked back to the house, feeling completely defeated. But with the encouragement and direction of a friend from church, now affectionately called Coach, I tried it again, a little at a time, until I had convinced my body that it liked to run. All summer and fall, I made time to run, at first just two miles a day, then a few more, then I began to work at some distance. By late summer, I was up to almost five miles a day. Running, besides the obvious health benefits associated, has been a fantastic mental/emotional balancer. It creates the space that thoughts and emotions, especially the ones hidden somewhere down deep, need to bounce around, to expand and grow, and sometimes, just escape. 

So there you have it. A very good year indeed. As I look ahead, I'm excited about 2012. I honestly have no idea what it will hold for me. It could be as constant and steady as this year has been or it could hold big, life-altering experiences. Either way, I'm sure it will come and go with the same breakneck fury as years before, and I plan to dive in and enjoy every minute! Happy 2012 everyone!

A good/weird Christmas

I have to say that this Christmas season has been slightly strange. Christmas itself was very much like it's always been - reflective, traditional, quiet, filled with anticipation and gratitude. Minus the snow, this Christmas looked like so many Chirstmases before. I am so very thankful for Christmas. It's the season that we remember the reason for our very existence, our hope. 

Happenstancically, some strange events took place this Christmas. They would have been strange no matter the season but perhaps were made even stranger by the season. But the events of recent actually put Christmas and life in perspective a bit. They caused me to remember that I am completely human. I have ridiculous emotions and expectations. I am fickle, hard to deal with, unpredictable. So very human.

It strikes me this Christmas, as I am made completely aware of my own humanity, to what extreme God had to humble Himself, how far He had to shrink, how much of His power He had to set aside to become human, a baby no less. And although He was perfect, failing in nothing, lacking in nothing, He still experienced humanity, all of it. He got angry, was disappointed, knew joy, went hungry... He had to. How hard that must have been to decide to do...all to save us...all because He loved us.

So, although this Christmas was quite strange, it was still very good. And that, I think, is usually how it goes - hard and good things come together. It's how we grow. And that's what life is all about. From beginning to end, we grow. How lucky we are that God chose to love us. Chose to become human. All so that we could live.

Catching Up

Okay, so it's been a few months. But please don't judge! I've written more words in the last few months than I have in maybe the last few years. And although academic writing is nothing like my usual style, it seems that perhaps in my world, there is a maximum word cap per month. This term, I've written several fairly significant works in my grad program that I'm really proud of, but it seems to have left me a little quiet on the reflection side of life.

So what's been happening in my life these days anyway?

Well, there's the whole grad school thing. I love being back in school. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's been a challenge. I've lost out on sleep, social time, work time...but I've gained a new network of professionals from around Wisconsin, confidence, and the small start to a body of my own academic/professional writing. It's a little hard/great to believe that I'm officially 1/6th complete with my doctoral degree. It's just such an amazing blessing to even have the opportunity to be in school. Don't tell anyone, but I'm secretly more than a little excited to get started on my dissertation - the research, the literature, the joy!

In work, things are going so very well, too! Danielle and I are reinventing New Student Orientation one department at a time. At some point maybe I'll fill you in on all the details, but it's going to be great!

I got the chance to sing in several different Christmas performances over the past few weeks. Singing is one of those things that continues to bring me great joy. This weekend I will wrap up the Christmas singing season with both a Christmas Eve and Christmas morning song. I just love that I can touch people's hearts through something that moves us all.

The last few days have been quite strange. I've fallen into a quiet little lull. I'm between classes at Edgewood. Students at UD are on break. Church rehearsals are over. Holiday parties are pretty much done. So, at about 5:00 I roll on home, make some dinner, do a few chores, watch a little TV, and then go to bed. Then I get up, go to work, go out to lunch, and go home by 5:00. No homework, no practices, no late meetings, no work to do before the morning. Very strange. But I've been lucky enough to have a few friends to fill my nights with, something that almost never happens during busier seasons. This little lull, honestly, has made me thankful for my business. I mean, spending time with friends is wonderful! But laying around on the couch the rest of the time is obnoxious. I'd much rather be researching something, writing something, getting home late and going right to bed. It just all reminds me that I have a really great life.

A few other updates: the Gala was an extremely fun party, I met a great guy who may have already found this blog so I won't write about him yet, and I'm nearly four weeks behind in my running and I'm missing it dearly. 

And that's about it. You're all caught up.

Doctor vs. Awesome

Actual conversation with my brother last night: 

Mitch: ...I have so much going on...I have to get my party planned, get in shape, get a tan, get some new clothes...
Me: Yeah, pretty much all I've thought about lately is getting work done and school work done...
Mitch: Haha.
Me: My life is lame, but hey, I'm going to be a doctor, so I can't complain too much.

Mitch: Lol and I'm just going to be awesome.

Life is nothing short of frantic these days between long days at work and long nights at the homework. But somehow, I don't hate it. In fact, I can't say I could really imagine life any other way. What would I be doing if not all this stuff? Would I be socializing with friends more? Maybe. Would I be married with kiddos? Hard to say. Would I most likely just find another project to keep me equally busy? That sounds about right.

I do every now and then long for the days that I could just curl up on a Sunday afternoon and take a good long nap. Heck, I even find myself longing for the days that I could get enough laundry done to wear clean clothes to work. But all in all, this whole work/school=busy/life combo isn't just all that bad. 

And as for the doctor versus awesome debate, I'll let it go for now, but I'm secretly hoping that it is possible to be both doctor and awesome in the same lifetime, however if I had to choose just one, Mitch can have awesome all to himself.

Oh, and I miss you, blog friends. It has been quite some time since I've written much of anything (outside of academic writing, of course), and I've had about 400 random reflection moments that I wish I could have taken time to share with you. My guess is that many of them will come around again; they usually do, and when I get a short break from my studies (Christmas to mid-January), perhaps I'll spend some time catching up.

Stuff to Memory Ratio

Over the past few weeks/months, I have determined that there is a direct inverse relationship between the amount of stuff one deals with in life and ones ability to keep it all straight. This seems obvious, does it not? Yeah, well, it's only apparently obvious when you don't have a lot of stuff to keep track of.

Today, I missed a meeting on campus that I was supposed to be at. A three hour meeting. A three hour meeting that I had to sit through three other meetings in preparation for. A three hour meeting that I had to sit through three other meetings in preparation for that I had a fairly crucial role in.

It was on my calendar. It was in my email. It was in my paper planner. One of the preparation meetings was this past week.

And somehow, I blew it off. My excuse? I didn't have one. In fact, while I was missing the meeting, I was doing all sorts of great and relaxing things that were not work. I went for a run before the sun went down. I took a little nap to recover from the tough run. I ate some dinner, starting working on some homework, watched some TV...

I really do not like the relationship between stuff and memory. It is pretty adverse to my current situation. I've got some stuff going on. Work, school, church, friends, family... but is there a tipping point in this relationship? Is there a point where the stuff is too great and the memory too poor to be effective? And if I'm at that tipping point, how do I crawl back to the less stuff/more memory side of the teeter totter? I suppose the only logical thing to do would be to reduce the stuff. So...what to reduce? It can't really be work. It most definitely can't be school if I intend to graduate. That leaves church, friends, and family. I'm not sure I really like the sounds of reducing my commitments to any of those things. So, I suppose I will have to accept the fact that with stuff comes memory issues. And with memory issues comes mistakes like my missed meeting tonight.

God, grant me clarity, a straight brain, and the ability to deal with all the stuff. Help me reduce the stuff to be reliable, useful, and effective in all areas of my life. I want to do well to please You. I want to honor you with all the stuff rather than just doing stuff for stuff's sake. Guide me in obedience and faithfulness in everything I do.

God is bigger than that.

I've decided that God is bigger than my desire to get married. This may seem a little out of left field somewhere, but as more and more of my friends get married and have babies, and as I approach birthday "golden plus two", the topic of my singleness finds itself at the forefront of my mind more often than I'd wish it lately. 

Anyway, I've decided that I've made God too small. Although I've prayed for my husband to show up at my doorstep, I've far too often doubted that he'll ever really come. I've contemplated far too many back up plans for what I'll do if I end up alone. I've spent too many hours dreading the possibility of becoming that crazy middle aged single lady (you know the type). I've gone on far too many first dates of desperation only to end up disappointed. But no more. 

God gave me a desire in my heart to be a loving wife and mother. He built it into me. And not having found a husband is not some sort of punishment for wrongdoings or a withholding for not being faithful enough or good enough. It just is what it is. But no longer will I assume that because this is something I want, God will somehow keep it from me. No longer will I think that God can't or won't bring my husband to me. No longer will I scoff at God's assured "something far better" than my own plans. God is bigger than all of that.

Here's what I know:

God is bigger than all of my deepest desires. 

God is better at finding my husband than all of my friends' setups. 

God is wiser than all of the marital advice I've ever received. 

God knows what He's doing. 

God does not make mistakes. 

God is big. God is love. God is joy.

What does this mean for my immediate future? I surely haven't a clue. I don't feel particularly led to steer clear of dating and setups altogether. I just know that I'll be praying differently starting today than I have for years. And that's a great starting point I think.

Stop Reflecting?

Today, I was talking with a dear friend who at some point in our conversation said, "You process and reflect more than any other human I know. Maybe you should just stop processing for a while and enjoy the ride." 

Of course, you find me now processing the value and weight of this statement. Ironic. 

Over the past few weeks, as I have struggled with lots of things like human limitations, managing chaos effectively, making and recovering from mistakes and shortcomings, I have had lots of thoughts about who I wished I was or was becoming. I wished to be more even-keeled. I wished to be able to control thoughts and actions better. I wished to be more perfect in my actions to live as a good example for others. I even wished just to be older to have more life experience. 

But really, why do I want to be all of those things? Are they better per se than I what I have now? Do they make me a better person? Or will they make me react and think and act better? Probably not. They just make me different from what I am. 

God has blessed me with a wild personality. With deep-welled emotions. With random life experiences. With a great, nearly uncontrollable passion and enthusiasm. He has given me those things. He has not made a mistake in creating me. He made me just as He intended. He made me. So to wish to have things that I don't have, to long for the giftings of others, well it's just silly. 

There are reasons I act as I do...and for the most part, those reasons are good and pure. And in the times that I make mistakes, poor choices, negative reactions, well, that's human nature, and that's the very thing grace is for. God understands, or He wouldn't have created grace. 

So, no, I will probably not stop reflecting on things anytime soon. After all, that's how I was made. But I will work to stop striving so hard to be the coveted other...the things that I am not and am not created to ever be.

Getting Back Up

There is a human element to being human. I know. Surprising, right? Humans have imperfections, sinful natures, and all sorts of influences in our lives that cause us to act the way we do. 

Looking back over the past three or four weeks, I have struggled mightily with my human nature, with my sinful self, with my own imperfections. I was running along at a pretty good clip, and I fell. Took a huge digger. Face-planted into life like I meant it. (Read the past three or so entries to just get a taste of what I've been feeling, experiences, doing.) People saw it. They watched me fall. 

And here I lay, face-first on the ground (whether I wanted to be there or not) with a choice to make. How am I going to get up? Am I going to sulk, whine, and pout? Am I going to curse the ground for tripping me? Or am I going to humbly stand up, acknowledging that I fell, take a deep breath, and get back to running? 

The beauty of falling down is not necessarily in the falling. We all trip and wipe out at some point. We make mistakes. We make bad choices. We hurt others. We act out. And if, like me, you're trying to live your life as an example worth replicating, the last thing you want is for others to see that. But the beauty of the fall is that we do indeed have the choice to get back up and get up well...and that there's a sort of defining moment that takes place that allows both faller and witnesses to learn from the experience. Humility, grace and forgiveness, strength, perseverance.

Today, I'm still face down on the ground. My knees and elbows are scraped up. My face is still maybe red from embarrassment. But I've decided that I will indeed get up and try to get up well. My hands and feet are moving, ever so slowly, to a position of recovery and strength. And before I even get up off of the ground, I'm praying that there is learning happening to me and others. And that learning will continue as I continue to get up. 

And I know I don't have to get up all on my own. The gracious arms of my Father are wrapping around me, helping to pull me off the ground. And the voice that I thought even just briefly that I couldn't quite hear behind me whispers in my ear, It's okay. You can do this. It's time to get up and get back to the race. Here's the trail. Run.

Moments of Truth

Today, I nearly lost it in my faculty/staff book club. This is not a great place to lose it, as it is a group of faculty, staff, and administrators, all of which are working with and/or above me at the university. Part of the very reason I decided to be in the book club was face time with others, a partly relational, partly political decision. 

Anyway, in the book we're reading (Seven Pillars of Servant Leadership by Sipe and Frick), today's discussion centered around a person's "true north", the internal compass on which our core values rest, and "moments of truth". "Moments of truth" are those interactions you have with others that are sort of defining moments - those things that reveal our character to others through our actions. The example given was that in a particular airline corporation, customers, on average, interacted with five employees for about fifteen seconds each. But it's pretty much only those fifteen second interactions that customers base their opinion of the entire company on. Focusing on those little moments of interaction then becomes critically important to the success of the company and the satisfaction of the customers. 

This discussion has me feeling extremely convicted today as I spent most of the day in an extension of the funk that I described in my last few posts. I was grumpy, feeling overwhelmed, feeling inadequate in every way. And I took it out on students. I griped in front of them, I was upset when they made errors or even in one situation before they even made an error, I displayed a bad attitude, and I, in general, made some poor choices. 

Moment of truth. 

In a fifteen second interaction, students took note of my body language, my language, my attitude, my actions. And they learned that how I acted must be okay. After all, usually Lindsey is someone we look up to, desire to emulate, learn from...this must be okay, too. 

Not okay. 

How do I deal with this as a leader? How do I force myself to conquer a bad day, to kill it with kindness, as the phrase goes? It's a lot of pressure to never be able to have a bad day, to never be able to act out a little, to be disappointed, to feel defeated. Because frankly, some days I just do. But students continue to watch and learn. 

Aristotle said, "We are what we repeatedly do." But what if we don't want to be what we repeatedly do? What if I don't like what I find myself repeatedly doing? Human nature fights against what I consider to be some of my core values. Clearly, I am not alone in these struggles:

¹⁵ I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. ¹⁶ And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. ¹⁷ As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. ¹⁸ For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. ¹⁹ For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. ²⁰ Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.  ²¹ So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. ²² For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; ²³ but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. ²⁴ What a wretched man I am!  (Romans 7:15-24)

I struggle tonight in wanting to do well to make good choices, to live faithfully as an example worth emulating, as a reflection of Christ to the world but constantly messing it up. I know I need grace and forgiveness in my life, and that I'm not perfect and never will be, but I still feel internally tortured, knowing that I am not the great example of life I desire to be to others.

So what do I do? How do I grow? How do I become more faithful in my moments of truth?

Stormy Weather

Have you ever had to run through a really bad storm before? You know what I'm talking about, the kind of storm where the rain seems to be heading in a more horizontal direction than a vertical one. Have you ever just had to be out in one of those, even for a few seconds? 

That is what my life has been feeling like lately. All the time. 

I can't look around. My arms are covering my face for protection from the wind and rain. I'm a little bit fearful. A little bit frustrated that it won't let up. More than a little bit hurried. Things just seem to come from all sides in a relentless, tormenting sort of way that after a while just drives a person crazy. 

When you're out in storms like this, you hope for the best, that maybe you're shoes won't let your socks get so wet that you'll have to wring them out, or that you won't slip and wipe out between the front door and the car. You hope you can move faster than you usually do, as if that might keep you somewhat drier. All you can really focus on is that moment, that feeling of being out in the middle of it all, to be over. 

I started thinking today, is this depression?  But no, I am certain it is not. I've been through depression before. Depression is like a weight hung around your neck or from your heart. It's like an internal condition that you can feel, you know is there, and your decisions, your actions, your behaviors, all react based on that internal weight. My life right now, is nothing like that. It's more just like being a person caught in a rain storm with whipping winds and loud thunder and torrential rains. It's external forces acting upon me that seem to force my hand when it comes to actions, decisions, and behaviors. It makes me a little scared, a little frustrated, rushed. 

But this weekend, I found a little bit of an awning to take shelter under - a few moments of peace amidst the chaos. I ran a peaceful, joy-filled 5K and did well. I spent a day with my dearest friend shopping, eating, relaxing. And I spent this afternoon with the two people that know and love me best in the world as they helped me around the house and the yard.

You don't realize how much those quiet moments mean until you're searching for an awning while running down the street in the rain. Those moments allow us to exhale deeply, dwelling in the reminder that the entire world isn't always stuck in a rain storm. And although I know I have to get back out from under the awning and run a little further to the next one, the fact that there is a next one is enough to keep me going. 

Someday, the rains will stop, the pace will slow, the world will feel a bit less panicked and a bit more calm. This coming week, the awnings will have to be enough as I continue to stand my ground in the storm.