Since I arrived at the University of Dubuque nearly a year and a half ago (wow, a year and a half already?), I have been working hard to convince students that I'm a little older and wiser than I really am. There's just something about still being considered in the same generation as my students that bothers me slightly. I'm not sure if it's the perception of authority I like to think I've got when viewed as older and wiser or or if I feel like they just won't take me seriously if I'm not old enough to be an "adult." I just don't know.
But with the rapid approach of my one and only golden birthday (26 on the 26th), I realized yesterday, that in a few short years, I'll most likely be doing anything in my power to convince students that I'm actually younger than I am. You know...probably around the time I hit that big milestone...30. And what is up with that exactly? How can 26 seem so young, inexperienced, green, and 30 seem so old, mature, and wise?
For whatever it is, I guess I'm sticking with it. I've been working hard not to share that it's my golden birthday to students this week, letting them think I'm older and wiser than I am...and I will probably continue to do this for the next three years. And perhaps, after four years or so, I'll have to reevaluate and redefine what constitutes as old, wise, mature, and experienced...but for now, I'll stick to foolin'.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Oh, Yes. I Should Have.
Part of me says, No, you shouldn't have done that. You spent a whole night away from work. You still need to sort through that pile of paperwork. What about that quiz you promised your students tomorrow? But you know what? Yes, I should have. I should have taken the one night a week I get off at a normal time and used it for myself. And do you know what? It was exactly what I needed.
I spent tonight in the kitchen instead of at work. I grabbed that half bushel of apples that I had sitting on the counter and started cutting, boiling, mashing, and stirring. Seven little containers later, my heart was content that I had made enough applesauce for a few days. But tonight turned out to be about way more than apples. Tonight was about magic - the magic that my kitchen is capable of in my life.
Kitchens have always been central to life, as long as I can remember. It's where Grandma Konken and Aunt Myra and Mom prepared Sunday lunch and washed Sunday lunch dishes. It's where recipes were created and handed down. It's where glorious smells emanate conjuring memories from earliest recollection. It's where every party or gathering I can ever remember always ended up congregating. And it's where I find my nerves back at the end of a long day or week.
Tonight reminded me of all of that, and in made me smile - not just the I'm-smiling-on-the-inside type of smile, no - an actual contented grin. My kitchen is a disaster, with every square inch of everything covered in sticky apple goo, but I made applesauce, by myself, for the first time, just as my Grandma made so much of it for us grandkids for as long as I can remember.
Tonight also brought to mind images of the future - my daughters (or sons) and I gathered around the stew kettle smelling the rich smell of cooking apples, passing on the very recipes that my Mom and Grandma passed on to me...and not just applesauce. Pies, desserts, casseroles, cinnamon rolls, dinner feasts, Thanksgiving turkeys...
So, do I feel bad that I took off early from work, blew off a few responsibilities that I should have taken care of? For this experience? Certainly not. Because now my heart is full again, my energy is up again, and I'm ready to face whatever tomorrow throws at me.
Who knew a kitchen could do all of that?
I spent tonight in the kitchen instead of at work. I grabbed that half bushel of apples that I had sitting on the counter and started cutting, boiling, mashing, and stirring. Seven little containers later, my heart was content that I had made enough applesauce for a few days. But tonight turned out to be about way more than apples. Tonight was about magic - the magic that my kitchen is capable of in my life.
Kitchens have always been central to life, as long as I can remember. It's where Grandma Konken and Aunt Myra and Mom prepared Sunday lunch and washed Sunday lunch dishes. It's where recipes were created and handed down. It's where glorious smells emanate conjuring memories from earliest recollection. It's where every party or gathering I can ever remember always ended up congregating. And it's where I find my nerves back at the end of a long day or week.
Tonight reminded me of all of that, and in made me smile - not just the I'm-smiling-on-the-inside type of smile, no - an actual contented grin. My kitchen is a disaster, with every square inch of everything covered in sticky apple goo, but I made applesauce, by myself, for the first time, just as my Grandma made so much of it for us grandkids for as long as I can remember.
Tonight also brought to mind images of the future - my daughters (or sons) and I gathered around the stew kettle smelling the rich smell of cooking apples, passing on the very recipes that my Mom and Grandma passed on to me...and not just applesauce. Pies, desserts, casseroles, cinnamon rolls, dinner feasts, Thanksgiving turkeys...
So, do I feel bad that I took off early from work, blew off a few responsibilities that I should have taken care of? For this experience? Certainly not. Because now my heart is full again, my energy is up again, and I'm ready to face whatever tomorrow throws at me.
Who knew a kitchen could do all of that?
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Oh, October
It's months like October that really wear me out. Now, if you've read back through any of my fairly recent posts such as No Life...Well, Not Exactly or A Little Braggin', you know full well that I love to work, and I love my job. I love that it is exactly what I've been created to do with my life right now, but, quite honestly, there are limits to what a person can do. And October pushes me to my very limits.
I really struggle with life balance (clearly), but I struggle with this because it is a real internal battle for me. My head and heart wrestle with wanting to work because I've been entrusted with the work and it is good to do or taking a break because rest is a normal and required thing for human beings but knowing that in that rest the work will suffer or remain undone. And frankly, I feel sort of bad either way. I feel bad if I work too much because I know I'm wearing myself out and making myself less useful in the future, but I feel just as bad if I don't work as hard as I can and programs suffer and fall through the cracks.
I put a lot of pressure on myself to make sure that things are as good as I can possibly make them especially with the knowledge that some parts of campus culture are in rough shape right now. I know that if someone is going to fight for the lives and hearts of the students on this campus, it needs to be me. If I'm not, how can I convince anyone else to fight with me? How can I rally the forces if I'm lying on the couch?
But a part of me keeps thinking ahead. What will my life look like in a few years at this pace? Will I still be single or will I have found my love? Will I still work fourteen hour days, six day weeks or will there be help? Will I want something, some desire outside of this place or will my heart still lie squarely with the purpose I've been given today? I don't know. I don't know about any of it. But I do know that a normal family life someday will not be possible with the status quo.
It is at this point of the post that I have to inhale and exhale a deep sigh with the realization that I have not and probably will not resolve this internal battle tonight.
Despite all of this mind and heart wrestling that I find myself constantly in the midst of, I somehow still have a just a little peace. My peace lies in the fact that God is in control, whatever the situation may be, no matter how tired I get, how high the work piles. Does it make the month of October any easier? No. Frankly, I'm still pooped. But it makes it tolerable enough to fight through to keep on doing what I'm meant to do.
I really struggle with life balance (clearly), but I struggle with this because it is a real internal battle for me. My head and heart wrestle with wanting to work because I've been entrusted with the work and it is good to do or taking a break because rest is a normal and required thing for human beings but knowing that in that rest the work will suffer or remain undone. And frankly, I feel sort of bad either way. I feel bad if I work too much because I know I'm wearing myself out and making myself less useful in the future, but I feel just as bad if I don't work as hard as I can and programs suffer and fall through the cracks.
I put a lot of pressure on myself to make sure that things are as good as I can possibly make them especially with the knowledge that some parts of campus culture are in rough shape right now. I know that if someone is going to fight for the lives and hearts of the students on this campus, it needs to be me. If I'm not, how can I convince anyone else to fight with me? How can I rally the forces if I'm lying on the couch?
But a part of me keeps thinking ahead. What will my life look like in a few years at this pace? Will I still be single or will I have found my love? Will I still work fourteen hour days, six day weeks or will there be help? Will I want something, some desire outside of this place or will my heart still lie squarely with the purpose I've been given today? I don't know. I don't know about any of it. But I do know that a normal family life someday will not be possible with the status quo.
It is at this point of the post that I have to inhale and exhale a deep sigh with the realization that I have not and probably will not resolve this internal battle tonight.
Despite all of this mind and heart wrestling that I find myself constantly in the midst of, I somehow still have a just a little peace. My peace lies in the fact that God is in control, whatever the situation may be, no matter how tired I get, how high the work piles. Does it make the month of October any easier? No. Frankly, I'm still pooped. But it makes it tolerable enough to fight through to keep on doing what I'm meant to do.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Do Anything
How many times can a heart get broken? How many times can it be picked up off the floor and sewn back together with stitches of hope? I sometimes wonder how many times I have left, as if there is some sort of countdown that I'm nearing the end of, but I am thankful that I was created with a heart after God's own heart - a strong heart that can heal again and again.
My job has become pretty much the definition of my life at this point. People are defined by all sorts of roles - mother, child, wife, student... Right now, I am defined by what I do, which is work to change lives in a setting that fosters change, growth, and the building up of young adults. And I will say, as I get started here, that I love the opportunity that I've been given. I love it. I have never looked at my role with disdain or disgrace. I am honored and joyful and humbled to be able to serve in the role I've been given. But it is an overwhelming responsibility most days. It's a responsibility that just seems too big to handle.
As silly as it seems, Greek life at UD has burdened me and broken my heart more than once this year. For most, it would seem a little silly because, whether a part of Greek culture or not in one's life, everyone has some sort of mental picture of what it all entails - parties, doing silly things, fee structures, uniformed colors and clothing... And sure, I would agree that it is most of those things. But it has the potential to be so much more. So much more.
Greek life, as I've come to know it over the past year and a half, is about lifelong relationships. It's about being a part of something that is bigger than yourself. It's about serving the community and the campus that you are a member of. It is about stretching personal boundaries, and growing, and changing, and learning, and leading. Or at least that's what it's set up to be.
I am constantly surprised by how little students are willing to acknowledge these facts, but more importantly, take advantage of them. Here is a system placed before you, free for the taking, that is asking you only to do great things with your life...not alone, but with others, in a unity that is rare to be found anywhere else. It is a system set up to give students power and authority to accomplish dreams and ambitions, to positively affect those around them, to build relationships, and to have fun while doing it all. But when students look at this feast that is set before them, for most, all they see is the hard work, effort, time, and commitment that is being asked of them, and instead of grasping it and enjoying it to the fullest, they are looking past it or around it to see if there's something a little less daunting. It's like being offered a giant platter of lobster but choosing to just drink the dipping butter in the cup beside it. The butter's a lot less work to take in even if it is much less rewarding or satisfying.
But possibly the most painful crack in my heart stems from the flat out rejection of a very clear offer that I have placed on the table before these students time and time again. The offer? DO ANYTHING. That's right. DO ANYTHING. You have the power, the authority, and the very opportunity to do whatever you want. Anarchy, you say? Certainly this is not what I, the avid planner and organizer of a thousand details, intend. I simply mean that if you want something, you need to be willing to fight for it, be committed to the cause, to work toward it, and to accomplish it. Push the limits of what you think you can do. Test the waters and the rules and systems set up around you. No one is saying that it's all set in stone. Maybe you have a better way. Show me. Maybe you have a bigger plan. Prove it. Get organized, get focused, and hit the ground running doing things you never thought were even possible because they are.
But most of this offer gets pushed aside, and apathetic students filter into classrooms and out of classrooms, into meetings and planning sessions and out of them, giving little thought to the power and authority and potential they are leaving behind. Did you hear it? Another crack in the walls of my already broken heart.
Please don't give up the chance to do something great. Please don't ignore the call of your heart to something greater and bigger and more important than yourself. Seize potential and knock down anything in your way. All the work is worth it. All the fight is for something. It's not in vain. Is anybody listening? Did anyone hear my plea? I won't give up either, you know. I won't just let my argument die because even with a broken heart, I know first hand that it is worth it. I have dreamed, reached, fought, grew, learned, lead, served...and I will not stop. Even one life changed makes it all worth it for me.
So, I guess I pick up the broken pieces of my shattered heart one more time. I sew it back together with a little hope that I have indeed made a difference, that someone has indeed heard me, and that I will indeed change the world. My heart will mend, and most assuredly be broken again. But it will never cease to be worth it.
My job has become pretty much the definition of my life at this point. People are defined by all sorts of roles - mother, child, wife, student... Right now, I am defined by what I do, which is work to change lives in a setting that fosters change, growth, and the building up of young adults. And I will say, as I get started here, that I love the opportunity that I've been given. I love it. I have never looked at my role with disdain or disgrace. I am honored and joyful and humbled to be able to serve in the role I've been given. But it is an overwhelming responsibility most days. It's a responsibility that just seems too big to handle.
As silly as it seems, Greek life at UD has burdened me and broken my heart more than once this year. For most, it would seem a little silly because, whether a part of Greek culture or not in one's life, everyone has some sort of mental picture of what it all entails - parties, doing silly things, fee structures, uniformed colors and clothing... And sure, I would agree that it is most of those things. But it has the potential to be so much more. So much more.
Greek life, as I've come to know it over the past year and a half, is about lifelong relationships. It's about being a part of something that is bigger than yourself. It's about serving the community and the campus that you are a member of. It is about stretching personal boundaries, and growing, and changing, and learning, and leading. Or at least that's what it's set up to be.
I am constantly surprised by how little students are willing to acknowledge these facts, but more importantly, take advantage of them. Here is a system placed before you, free for the taking, that is asking you only to do great things with your life...not alone, but with others, in a unity that is rare to be found anywhere else. It is a system set up to give students power and authority to accomplish dreams and ambitions, to positively affect those around them, to build relationships, and to have fun while doing it all. But when students look at this feast that is set before them, for most, all they see is the hard work, effort, time, and commitment that is being asked of them, and instead of grasping it and enjoying it to the fullest, they are looking past it or around it to see if there's something a little less daunting. It's like being offered a giant platter of lobster but choosing to just drink the dipping butter in the cup beside it. The butter's a lot less work to take in even if it is much less rewarding or satisfying.
But possibly the most painful crack in my heart stems from the flat out rejection of a very clear offer that I have placed on the table before these students time and time again. The offer? DO ANYTHING. That's right. DO ANYTHING. You have the power, the authority, and the very opportunity to do whatever you want. Anarchy, you say? Certainly this is not what I, the avid planner and organizer of a thousand details, intend. I simply mean that if you want something, you need to be willing to fight for it, be committed to the cause, to work toward it, and to accomplish it. Push the limits of what you think you can do. Test the waters and the rules and systems set up around you. No one is saying that it's all set in stone. Maybe you have a better way. Show me. Maybe you have a bigger plan. Prove it. Get organized, get focused, and hit the ground running doing things you never thought were even possible because they are.
But most of this offer gets pushed aside, and apathetic students filter into classrooms and out of classrooms, into meetings and planning sessions and out of them, giving little thought to the power and authority and potential they are leaving behind. Did you hear it? Another crack in the walls of my already broken heart.
Please don't give up the chance to do something great. Please don't ignore the call of your heart to something greater and bigger and more important than yourself. Seize potential and knock down anything in your way. All the work is worth it. All the fight is for something. It's not in vain. Is anybody listening? Did anyone hear my plea? I won't give up either, you know. I won't just let my argument die because even with a broken heart, I know first hand that it is worth it. I have dreamed, reached, fought, grew, learned, lead, served...and I will not stop. Even one life changed makes it all worth it for me.
So, I guess I pick up the broken pieces of my shattered heart one more time. I sew it back together with a little hope that I have indeed made a difference, that someone has indeed heard me, and that I will indeed change the world. My heart will mend, and most assuredly be broken again. But it will never cease to be worth it.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Letting Go
This past week was a true testament of how far I've come since the first year of my job at UD. Homecoming came about last week, and although I was relatively ready for all of the activities and events that were to ensue, I certainly didn't expect what would happen.
I got sick.
It seems silly. Most people can get sick and just leave work, but for so much of what I do, I'm the only one with the play book, the only one with the notes or descriptions of what should happen. That's not to toot my own horn, but rather just to say that I work generally solo in my one-man-department.
Monday I was so sick, I didn't really care about what was supposed to happen for activities. I tried to get into work and get a few things done, but after two short hours, I was zapped. Tuesday, I didn't get in at all. Wednesday I made it in for a few hours. I was miserable, uncomfortable, and hungry. I wasn't ever really sure if I was going to make it to any events all week long. How terrible. One of the biggest weeks of my work-life, and I'm not there? How could this happen?
Well, in all of this, I realized how much I've learned about letting go of things. I had to let go of this week, like it or not, in order to heal. I had two choices when it came down to it: freak out and stress about it or just plain let it go. And, against my very nature, I chose to let go. And thank God! What a good choice! I can't control when I get sick or how long I am out, but I can control how I react.
Letting go, I think, shows growth, maturity, and experience. I feel blessed to be able to gain this valuable experience in my job. It has really changed me for the better, shaping me into the person God has created me to be. So, although this week as difficult, I'm glad to have gone through this week just as I have, sickness and all. It reminds me that God is good. So good.
I got sick.
It seems silly. Most people can get sick and just leave work, but for so much of what I do, I'm the only one with the play book, the only one with the notes or descriptions of what should happen. That's not to toot my own horn, but rather just to say that I work generally solo in my one-man-department.
Monday I was so sick, I didn't really care about what was supposed to happen for activities. I tried to get into work and get a few things done, but after two short hours, I was zapped. Tuesday, I didn't get in at all. Wednesday I made it in for a few hours. I was miserable, uncomfortable, and hungry. I wasn't ever really sure if I was going to make it to any events all week long. How terrible. One of the biggest weeks of my work-life, and I'm not there? How could this happen?
Well, in all of this, I realized how much I've learned about letting go of things. I had to let go of this week, like it or not, in order to heal. I had two choices when it came down to it: freak out and stress about it or just plain let it go. And, against my very nature, I chose to let go. And thank God! What a good choice! I can't control when I get sick or how long I am out, but I can control how I react.
Letting go, I think, shows growth, maturity, and experience. I feel blessed to be able to gain this valuable experience in my job. It has really changed me for the better, shaping me into the person God has created me to be. So, although this week as difficult, I'm glad to have gone through this week just as I have, sickness and all. It reminds me that God is good. So good.
Monday, September 28, 2009
A Free Slave
Can one be free and be a slave at the same time? Intuitively, you want to answer no. I want to answer no, too, but I'm learning that perhaps, as a Christian, they go hand in hand.
What does it mean to be a slave? It is something along the lines of surrendering your own will, desires, and intentions to another. And, as Christians, isn't that what we're called to do? We're told to die to ourselves, to surrender our wills to God's, to lay down those things that hold us back or drive us away from God. We're asked to willingly become slaves of our Creator.
And somehow, paradoxically, in the very same moment that we become enslaved, we are simultaneously freed. How can this be? We give up our own will only to be given something that is full, and open, and free, and wonderful. We are given rules and the Law, but these do not bind us into a tight, confined space. These rules are not meant to oppress. We are handed rules from a loving Father, just as our earthly fathers give us when we're young, so that we can learn and grow. And when we can be trusted with these rules, we are allowed more freedom. Just as parents trust children to be alone in the house, stay out later, and travel farther as they prove trust, so God gives us more freedom as we prove our trustworthiness with what has been given us.
It is a circle, it seems. You must be a slave to be free. You must be trusted with little before you can be trusted with much. How glorious and complex our God is, and I am overjoyed to be His free slave and so grateful to be trusted.
What does it mean to be a slave? It is something along the lines of surrendering your own will, desires, and intentions to another. And, as Christians, isn't that what we're called to do? We're told to die to ourselves, to surrender our wills to God's, to lay down those things that hold us back or drive us away from God. We're asked to willingly become slaves of our Creator.
And somehow, paradoxically, in the very same moment that we become enslaved, we are simultaneously freed. How can this be? We give up our own will only to be given something that is full, and open, and free, and wonderful. We are given rules and the Law, but these do not bind us into a tight, confined space. These rules are not meant to oppress. We are handed rules from a loving Father, just as our earthly fathers give us when we're young, so that we can learn and grow. And when we can be trusted with these rules, we are allowed more freedom. Just as parents trust children to be alone in the house, stay out later, and travel farther as they prove trust, so God gives us more freedom as we prove our trustworthiness with what has been given us.
It is a circle, it seems. You must be a slave to be free. You must be trusted with little before you can be trusted with much. How glorious and complex our God is, and I am overjoyed to be His free slave and so grateful to be trusted.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Can't Win
Don't think I didn't feel you hovering over me with a smug grin on your face last night. You thought you were winning, and for a moment in time, you had me convinced you were. But this morning, when I woke up, it was I with the smug grin, because in that moment, I knew you had been defeated.
You see, last night, when that comedian took the stage, and started ranting and raving over all the usual things that comedians rant and rave over (drugs, sex, alcohol, women, race, social class), I was furious. How dare you walk on in here and express yourself so blatantly. But it wasn't very long before I heard the self-proclaimed funny man say, "Ooh, you guys are touchy," and "Does it bother you when I tell icky jokes or swear? Okay, I'll go back to the PG stuff." Why would he backtrack like that? See, that's where you started to lose control, where your grasp wasn't quite as tight, because not everyone in the room revelled in the filth that you were handing them. Not everyone laughed or smirked or chuckled like you thought they should. No, not this time. Did you sense how unimpressed some of the people in the room were? Did you sense their disappointment? Did you feel mine?
So now, I'm not asking politely, not suggesting or encouraging, no, I'm flat out commanding that you get out of here. Slink away in embarrassment with your tail between your legs because you know full well you cannot win here. You're powerless. And don't bother coming back to fight again because the same result will be before you. You'll always be handed your defeat.
God holds this place, Satan, not you. And there are prayers going up all over the place. It is sacred ground with a set-aside people, and try as you may, you cannot beat us, win us over, or trick us in the least. So, get back. Get out of the way. And know that God's team always wins.
You see, last night, when that comedian took the stage, and started ranting and raving over all the usual things that comedians rant and rave over (drugs, sex, alcohol, women, race, social class), I was furious. How dare you walk on in here and express yourself so blatantly. But it wasn't very long before I heard the self-proclaimed funny man say, "Ooh, you guys are touchy," and "Does it bother you when I tell icky jokes or swear? Okay, I'll go back to the PG stuff." Why would he backtrack like that? See, that's where you started to lose control, where your grasp wasn't quite as tight, because not everyone in the room revelled in the filth that you were handing them. Not everyone laughed or smirked or chuckled like you thought they should. No, not this time. Did you sense how unimpressed some of the people in the room were? Did you sense their disappointment? Did you feel mine?
So now, I'm not asking politely, not suggesting or encouraging, no, I'm flat out commanding that you get out of here. Slink away in embarrassment with your tail between your legs because you know full well you cannot win here. You're powerless. And don't bother coming back to fight again because the same result will be before you. You'll always be handed your defeat.
God holds this place, Satan, not you. And there are prayers going up all over the place. It is sacred ground with a set-aside people, and try as you may, you cannot beat us, win us over, or trick us in the least. So, get back. Get out of the way. And know that God's team always wins.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Human Connection
I've been thinking a lot lately about the idea of human connections. Each of us has a heart that desires human connection. We've been giving that heart from God who also desires a connection with us. For some, making connections is easy, even natural. They're either involved in everything, are social butterflies, or just know how to reach out to the close few in their lives. For others, connection is a longing that can't seem to be quenched or fulfilled as they strive to meet others or be involved but feel out of their element or uncomfortable.
What creates a "good" connection? What makes it last? Undoubtedly there is a good deal of work involved - effort to maintain connection, dig deeper in conversation, become more vulnerable and open while establishing trust. Work indeed. And a certain amount of chemistry is probably also required. There's only so much connection that can be made over common interests or small talk alone. And the ability to evolve through time, flex and change as each person does the same.
What happens when a connection goes "bad"? Can people change too much to maintain a connection? Can one person or the other give up or stop putting in effort? Sure. Does God remove connections in our lives similarly to when He provides them to us? But what else? Is there more?
I have to imagine that the longing we have in our hearts for true, real, meaningful connection, connection that is honest and open, is perhaps the longing that God feels when we turn away from Him. We were, after all, made in the image of God, a reflection of Him.
I know my life is not lacking in connections - I have friends that I see on a fairly regular basis, I make new connections pretty well, I have mentors and colleagues that I communicate with, and I have a close family network. But my heart still yearns for deep and lasting connections, connections with friends that I've lost touch with or new connections. It is, most likely, for sheer lack of effort that I've been left longing, but a part of me can't help but wonder about the chemistry. God appoints people to our lives sometimes, and sometimes exactly when we need them, but is there a time when God does not provide those connections or allows us to live without them for a time?
Either way, I have a desire for connections, for accountablility, for someone of like mind and heart, for someone to be vulnerable and real with without judgements. I'm praying for what that looks like for me and for those that I may connect with, for guidance of how to establish connections and for a bravery to step out and take action with the faith that God will provide what is best for me.
What creates a "good" connection? What makes it last? Undoubtedly there is a good deal of work involved - effort to maintain connection, dig deeper in conversation, become more vulnerable and open while establishing trust. Work indeed. And a certain amount of chemistry is probably also required. There's only so much connection that can be made over common interests or small talk alone. And the ability to evolve through time, flex and change as each person does the same.
What happens when a connection goes "bad"? Can people change too much to maintain a connection? Can one person or the other give up or stop putting in effort? Sure. Does God remove connections in our lives similarly to when He provides them to us? But what else? Is there more?
I have to imagine that the longing we have in our hearts for true, real, meaningful connection, connection that is honest and open, is perhaps the longing that God feels when we turn away from Him. We were, after all, made in the image of God, a reflection of Him.
I know my life is not lacking in connections - I have friends that I see on a fairly regular basis, I make new connections pretty well, I have mentors and colleagues that I communicate with, and I have a close family network. But my heart still yearns for deep and lasting connections, connections with friends that I've lost touch with or new connections. It is, most likely, for sheer lack of effort that I've been left longing, but a part of me can't help but wonder about the chemistry. God appoints people to our lives sometimes, and sometimes exactly when we need them, but is there a time when God does not provide those connections or allows us to live without them for a time?
Either way, I have a desire for connections, for accountablility, for someone of like mind and heart, for someone to be vulnerable and real with without judgements. I'm praying for what that looks like for me and for those that I may connect with, for guidance of how to establish connections and for a bravery to step out and take action with the faith that God will provide what is best for me.
Thursday, September 03, 2009
I was left wondering--what are your dreams?
With all of the recent talk of dreaming big, thanks to the carefully selected New Student Orientation theme, I was asked today, What are your dreams, Lindsey? Dreams. Where do I start?
Once upon a time, I had a set of dreams all my own, dreams I thought I wanted with every fiber of my being. I had dreams to move to a big city, make lots of money, work as a successful engineer...I gripped these dreams so tightly that I had eyes and ears for nothing else in the world. I wrestled with these dreams because there seemed to be roadblocks put up every step of the way. My life began to fall apart around me, but I continued to pursue the narrow dreams that my head had concocted, blind to the trouble that I was creating.
It wasn't until the moment that I completely let go of all these dreams that I thought were best for me that I realized what true dreaming was. You see, it's when you let go of your own life, the plans, achievements, goals, and yes, even dreams that you desire for yourself, that God's will and purpose for your life can truly begin to take shape within you. It was the moment my fists released from their white-knuckled grip that my life began to move away from me and toward God's glorious plan. We have to do this, this letting go, this dying to self - it's the only way to get closer to God. Galatians 2:20 is one of several references that the Bible gives us into this idea.
But then, what did my dreams become? After letting go, my heart was free to accept the dreams that God has had for me since the very beginning of time. And what are those dreams, you're still wondering? My dreams became so much more than I ever could have imagined for myself.
I now dream of changing the world. Crazy, right? Not crazy with God. I dream of fulfilling my purpose for His glory and honor, my purpose to build relationships and open doors with people, especially younger people, to infuse passion and love and care into their lives... And how will I achieve my dreams? I'm not sure. How will I know that I've "arrived" at my dreams? I surely don't know. And what am I doing to work toward my dreams now? Mainly living in God's love, letting go of my own dreams daily, and following where I am led. To some, this may seem ridiculous. There's no master plan involved on my part, no planning at all, really. But to me, it's become natural.
I've been hardwired to dream big dreams of changing the world, changing lives, guiding people to that same moment of letting go that I found once upon a time. It's my dream to do this as long as I can with as much passion as I can. I know that God will change the world through my life, and that is the direction in which I aim my heart, knowing that if God is with me, no one can be against me.
Now that you know mine, tell me, what are your dreams?
Once upon a time, I had a set of dreams all my own, dreams I thought I wanted with every fiber of my being. I had dreams to move to a big city, make lots of money, work as a successful engineer...I gripped these dreams so tightly that I had eyes and ears for nothing else in the world. I wrestled with these dreams because there seemed to be roadblocks put up every step of the way. My life began to fall apart around me, but I continued to pursue the narrow dreams that my head had concocted, blind to the trouble that I was creating.
It wasn't until the moment that I completely let go of all these dreams that I thought were best for me that I realized what true dreaming was. You see, it's when you let go of your own life, the plans, achievements, goals, and yes, even dreams that you desire for yourself, that God's will and purpose for your life can truly begin to take shape within you. It was the moment my fists released from their white-knuckled grip that my life began to move away from me and toward God's glorious plan. We have to do this, this letting go, this dying to self - it's the only way to get closer to God. Galatians 2:20 is one of several references that the Bible gives us into this idea.
But then, what did my dreams become? After letting go, my heart was free to accept the dreams that God has had for me since the very beginning of time. And what are those dreams, you're still wondering? My dreams became so much more than I ever could have imagined for myself.
I now dream of changing the world. Crazy, right? Not crazy with God. I dream of fulfilling my purpose for His glory and honor, my purpose to build relationships and open doors with people, especially younger people, to infuse passion and love and care into their lives... And how will I achieve my dreams? I'm not sure. How will I know that I've "arrived" at my dreams? I surely don't know. And what am I doing to work toward my dreams now? Mainly living in God's love, letting go of my own dreams daily, and following where I am led. To some, this may seem ridiculous. There's no master plan involved on my part, no planning at all, really. But to me, it's become natural.
I've been hardwired to dream big dreams of changing the world, changing lives, guiding people to that same moment of letting go that I found once upon a time. It's my dream to do this as long as I can with as much passion as I can. I know that God will change the world through my life, and that is the direction in which I aim my heart, knowing that if God is with me, no one can be against me.
Now that you know mine, tell me, what are your dreams?
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
Song of Reflection for the Evening
Tonight, this song popped into my head out of nowhere. It is absolutely how I am feeling right now in life. I can't get away. And I never want to. Praise God for how good He is!
(Listen to this fabulous tune here)
I am an arrow, I am a rocket.
I am a river, and nothing can stop it.
'Cause You are the target, and You are the atmosphere.
You are the ocean that keeps pulling me, You're pulling me here.
And I, can't get away, can't get away.
Can't get away, can't get away.
I can't get away, can't get away...
I keep running into You
I am a beggar, You are the table.
I am so helpless, God You are so able.
And when I get turned around, You change my direction.
You're so perfect, I'm so broken,
Here You come with arms wide open,
Chasing after me down every road,
You're always waiting there.
Even when I close my eyes, I can't help but see
There's no place that I can hide,
You're such a part of me, I can't get away 'cause I keep running into You
I can't get away...
Can't Get Away ~ Rush of Fools
(Listen to this fabulous tune here)
I am an arrow, I am a rocket.
I am a river, and nothing can stop it.
'Cause You are the target, and You are the atmosphere.
You are the ocean that keeps pulling me, You're pulling me here.
And I, can't get away, can't get away.
Can't get away, can't get away.
I can't get away, can't get away...
I keep running into You
I am a beggar, You are the table.
I am so helpless, God You are so able.
And when I get turned around, You change my direction.
You're so perfect, I'm so broken,
Here You come with arms wide open,
Chasing after me down every road,
You're always waiting there.
Even when I close my eyes, I can't help but see
There's no place that I can hide,
You're such a part of me, I can't get away 'cause I keep running into You
I can't get away...
Can't Get Away ~ Rush of Fools
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
No Life...Well, Not Exactly
Well, it's happened again. I'm sitting in my office at 8:17 pm, tinkering at my desk. To most, this would appear to be equivalent to having no life, but there's something I've discovered recently. Right now, my work is my life. And that's not a bad thing.
Think about it. I have realized that I have a calling, a defined purpose, that I know is to be doing what I do, working with students, sharing with them the love of God. This is not just a career, not even close. It's life-work. It's something that I am destined to do for the will of God.
So, although I joke about having no life outside of work, the truth is that I wouldn't really want it any other way. I want to keep on working for the Kingdom, fighting for what's right, pressing on toward bigger and better things for my students and the staff and faculty that I see as family now, never accepting anything but the very best to offer up to God. Why would I ever need anything more? Desire anything more?
God has blessed me greatly by providing me the heart-knowledge of my very purpose in life, something that many never get to experience in life. I will pursue this passion that is born in me as hard as I can because I am blessed to be able to do so. I offer this gift up to God today, today and always, with a joyful and overflowing heart.
Think about it. I have realized that I have a calling, a defined purpose, that I know is to be doing what I do, working with students, sharing with them the love of God. This is not just a career, not even close. It's life-work. It's something that I am destined to do for the will of God.
So, although I joke about having no life outside of work, the truth is that I wouldn't really want it any other way. I want to keep on working for the Kingdom, fighting for what's right, pressing on toward bigger and better things for my students and the staff and faculty that I see as family now, never accepting anything but the very best to offer up to God. Why would I ever need anything more? Desire anything more?
God has blessed me greatly by providing me the heart-knowledge of my very purpose in life, something that many never get to experience in life. I will pursue this passion that is born in me as hard as I can because I am blessed to be able to do so. I offer this gift up to God today, today and always, with a joyful and overflowing heart.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
A Little Braggin'
I need to spend a moment braggin' on my God tonight.
I have seen the hands of God reaching down to the University of Dubuque in real and amazing ways over the past few weeks, and I have no choice but to praise. I have seen students' lives changing. I have seen programs evolving and improving. I have seen gaps closing between departments and individuals. Incredible feats, indeed.
Over the past few weeks, I've had the pleasure of participating in the new Summer Bridge Program for students that do not meet our admission requirements but may show some academic promise. Typically, these students have below a 17 ACT score. Nearly one-third of our freshman class has come in this year under this program. I assisted with the out-of-class experiences, and in a few short days, I developed a theory of why this program is successful: relationships and resources. Through a combination of class and resource experiences and social and community-building experiences, we're preparing students for college success. There's no proof that this program will actually be completely successful, but you can already see and feel the changes that God has placed in some of these students' lives as He aligns their lives with their defined purpose. I am thrilled and completely excited to see what God has in store for these students, because for some of them, it will be great things.
I have also been blessed with a few new relationships through this program and it's director, Marta. She is an inspirational woman that reminds me why I'm here - to change people's lives with God's love. I hope to learn much from her, and I thank God for bringing her into my life.
And then there's New Student Orientation. This four-day program has become nothing short of miraculous for some. This program, which is, in essence, completely left to me to plan and implement, is one of the biggest responsibilities I have throughout the year. This is the one chance we as a University community have to acclimate students to campus, provide them with lasting connections and a sense of community, and provide easily accessible resources to them before they need them. Terrifying. But it is also a chance to grow and encourage thirty student leaders to become life changers and moral, upright, courageous leaders. And this, for me, is where the real miracle lies.
I have watched God move in the hearts of more than one student leader over the past few weeks and months in ways that I can't explain. Students have changed majors, shifted career paths, had changes of heart, and have stood up for their beliefs and values with conviction. They have impacted new and impressionable students positively. They're preparing for their purpose in life, whether or not they know that's what they are doing. They are preparing for a mission that is so much bigger than themselves. And that's God. God did that.
I have welled up with pride in these students on more than one occasion, not for the work that my hands have done in their lives, because my hands and works have nothing to do with it, but because of what the Almighty God has done working through me and my work. What a blessing and a joy to be doing the work of God every day, changing lives has He orchestrates.
And although this road has not been the easiest or safest or surest route, it has been the road designated just for me. Although it has been hard, it's been good, oh so good. How can I ever give thanks to God enough for the wonders of His never ending love? And how will I ever stop bragging about my wonderful God?
I have seen the hands of God reaching down to the University of Dubuque in real and amazing ways over the past few weeks, and I have no choice but to praise. I have seen students' lives changing. I have seen programs evolving and improving. I have seen gaps closing between departments and individuals. Incredible feats, indeed.
Over the past few weeks, I've had the pleasure of participating in the new Summer Bridge Program for students that do not meet our admission requirements but may show some academic promise. Typically, these students have below a 17 ACT score. Nearly one-third of our freshman class has come in this year under this program. I assisted with the out-of-class experiences, and in a few short days, I developed a theory of why this program is successful: relationships and resources. Through a combination of class and resource experiences and social and community-building experiences, we're preparing students for college success. There's no proof that this program will actually be completely successful, but you can already see and feel the changes that God has placed in some of these students' lives as He aligns their lives with their defined purpose. I am thrilled and completely excited to see what God has in store for these students, because for some of them, it will be great things.
I have also been blessed with a few new relationships through this program and it's director, Marta. She is an inspirational woman that reminds me why I'm here - to change people's lives with God's love. I hope to learn much from her, and I thank God for bringing her into my life.
And then there's New Student Orientation. This four-day program has become nothing short of miraculous for some. This program, which is, in essence, completely left to me to plan and implement, is one of the biggest responsibilities I have throughout the year. This is the one chance we as a University community have to acclimate students to campus, provide them with lasting connections and a sense of community, and provide easily accessible resources to them before they need them. Terrifying. But it is also a chance to grow and encourage thirty student leaders to become life changers and moral, upright, courageous leaders. And this, for me, is where the real miracle lies.
I have watched God move in the hearts of more than one student leader over the past few weeks and months in ways that I can't explain. Students have changed majors, shifted career paths, had changes of heart, and have stood up for their beliefs and values with conviction. They have impacted new and impressionable students positively. They're preparing for their purpose in life, whether or not they know that's what they are doing. They are preparing for a mission that is so much bigger than themselves. And that's God. God did that.
I have welled up with pride in these students on more than one occasion, not for the work that my hands have done in their lives, because my hands and works have nothing to do with it, but because of what the Almighty God has done working through me and my work. What a blessing and a joy to be doing the work of God every day, changing lives has He orchestrates.
And although this road has not been the easiest or safest or surest route, it has been the road designated just for me. Although it has been hard, it's been good, oh so good. How can I ever give thanks to God enough for the wonders of His never ending love? And how will I ever stop bragging about my wonderful God?
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Waxed
Only at UD do things like this happen.
I have been asking for the last six months for a little job to be done in my office that would take about a half an hour to complete by Maintenance but would allow me to do a million other projects, and it still sits undone. However, today, upon discovering that there was a sizable smudge on the freshly waxed floors immediately outside my office door, they decided to sand, scrub, and re-wax the floor without even notifying me. I left for lunch having to walk over damp, recently mopped floors, and when I returned an hour later, the entire floor my office is on was locked (with my keys inside) with a sign that said "WET WAX. DO NOT ENTER."
Really? Really, maintenance staff? You waxed the only entrance to my office in the hour that I was gone, requiring me to either sit outside my office for the rest of the day, go home, or break in to the floor and tip toe across the shiny surface in order to get some work done. I chose the latter because there are things to be done. But I'm sure I'll hear about it tomorrow morning.
Only at UD...
I have been asking for the last six months for a little job to be done in my office that would take about a half an hour to complete by Maintenance but would allow me to do a million other projects, and it still sits undone. However, today, upon discovering that there was a sizable smudge on the freshly waxed floors immediately outside my office door, they decided to sand, scrub, and re-wax the floor without even notifying me. I left for lunch having to walk over damp, recently mopped floors, and when I returned an hour later, the entire floor my office is on was locked (with my keys inside) with a sign that said "WET WAX. DO NOT ENTER."
Really? Really, maintenance staff? You waxed the only entrance to my office in the hour that I was gone, requiring me to either sit outside my office for the rest of the day, go home, or break in to the floor and tip toe across the shiny surface in order to get some work done. I chose the latter because there are things to be done. But I'm sure I'll hear about it tomorrow morning.
Only at UD...
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
The Best Granola Ever
There seems to be some buzz about my granola lately, so I suppose I'll share my recipe, although if I was smart, I'd sell the rights to it or sell the product itself. I could make a killing. In fact, I may just do that...but not for you guys. You, the faithful few readers, you get it for free. :)
Best Granola Ever
Dry Ingredients:
5 cups old fashioned oats (not the quick cooking kind)
2 cups almonds (I use natural, no salt, whole almonds)
1/2 cup sunflower seeds (again, natural, no salt, shelled seeds)
1/2 cup pumpkin seeds (same deal)
3/4 cup light brown sugar
2 tsp. cinnamon
1 tsp. ground ginger
1 tsp. nutmeg
a sprinkle of ground cloves (a little goes a long way)
Wet Ingredients:
1/2 cup unsweetened apple sauce
1/4 cup honey
1/4 cup maple syrup
1 Tbsp. Karo syrup
Later Additions:
1/3 cup raisins
1/3 cup golden raisins
1/3 cup dried cranberries
Directions:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Mix all dry ingredients in a large bowl. In a separate small bowl, mix all wet ingredients. Slowly add wet mixture to dry mixture, stirring well until all is evenly mixed.
Grease two or three 9x13 or larger cake pans. Spread mixture evenly in a thin layer in each pan. Bake at 350 for 45 minutes, stirring every 10 minutes and rotating the pans in the oven. Note: I stop the timer when I take the pans out and stir and switch around the pans, so total time for baking may end up longer than 45 minutes. Watch granola closely during the last 5-10 minutes as it can go from beautifully golden to burnt very quickly.
When granola is perfectly golden, remove from oven and allow to cool in pans. Continue stirring every 10 minutes or so to keep it from clumping into one huge bar. Once cool, add the dried fruit. Store in air tight baggies or containers.
Feel free to add different combinations of seeds, grains, nuts, and fruits (dried apples are good, dried tropical fruits could be interesting...) to make your granola your own.
Enjoy!
Best Granola Ever
Dry Ingredients:
5 cups old fashioned oats (not the quick cooking kind)
2 cups almonds (I use natural, no salt, whole almonds)
1/2 cup sunflower seeds (again, natural, no salt, shelled seeds)
1/2 cup pumpkin seeds (same deal)
3/4 cup light brown sugar
2 tsp. cinnamon
1 tsp. ground ginger
1 tsp. nutmeg
a sprinkle of ground cloves (a little goes a long way)
Wet Ingredients:
1/2 cup unsweetened apple sauce
1/4 cup honey
1/4 cup maple syrup
1 Tbsp. Karo syrup
Later Additions:
1/3 cup raisins
1/3 cup golden raisins
1/3 cup dried cranberries
Directions:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Mix all dry ingredients in a large bowl. In a separate small bowl, mix all wet ingredients. Slowly add wet mixture to dry mixture, stirring well until all is evenly mixed.
Grease two or three 9x13 or larger cake pans. Spread mixture evenly in a thin layer in each pan. Bake at 350 for 45 minutes, stirring every 10 minutes and rotating the pans in the oven. Note: I stop the timer when I take the pans out and stir and switch around the pans, so total time for baking may end up longer than 45 minutes. Watch granola closely during the last 5-10 minutes as it can go from beautifully golden to burnt very quickly.
When granola is perfectly golden, remove from oven and allow to cool in pans. Continue stirring every 10 minutes or so to keep it from clumping into one huge bar. Once cool, add the dried fruit. Store in air tight baggies or containers.
Feel free to add different combinations of seeds, grains, nuts, and fruits (dried apples are good, dried tropical fruits could be interesting...) to make your granola your own.
Enjoy!
Monday, July 27, 2009
14,000 Feet
Althought it's been a few weeks since my trip, I wanted to take a moment and chronical the journey, mainly so I could look back someday and smile.
Dad and I took our first he-and-I vacation this summer to the wild west of Colorado. The goal: climb as many 14,000-foot mountains as we could in four days. We took off early on Saturday, July 11th and drove the whole way in a day to our destination of Dillon, Colorado.
Once there, we debated climbing a smaller peak on day one or head straight for the big guns. Of course, we decided to do a 14er on the first day. Mt. Sherman would be our first climb. It's known to the 14er circles as one of the easiest 14ers in Colorado, so we figured we could tackle it. As it turns out, "easy" is a relative term. I thought it was a tough climb, but it was my own fault after all. I was too darn lazy to train for the trip, and some last minute planning left me with little time to train anyway. My scrawny legs struggled to propel my body up the mountain, but luckily, my will and ambition were just slightly stronger than my muscles, and we made the summit in a matter of hours.
The second day, we tackled Quandary Peak. This was a tricky one because all of the trail guides we had read listed it as a Class 1, which signifies that the path should be clear, safe, and "easy". There's that word again. Quandary was a constant slope, almost never leveling out anywhere. And it was long - over six miles round trip. Imagine, if you will, walking up a ramp, at about a 45 degree angle, for over three miles - that's Quandary Peak. My calves were so sore, I didn't know what to do with myself on the way up, and on the way down, our knees where crying equally as loud. Even though it was long and tough, it was pretty darn fun. We encountered several mountain goats on our way up that seemed to want to play or eat or something that was much too close for comfort. We did get caught it a bit of a rain storm on the way down, but it wasn't too bad - just rain, no hail.
On day three, we were ready to tackle a behemouth of a mountain hike - the DeCaLiBron - four peaks, all at 14,000 feet or higher. We arrived at the trailhead at some terrible hour (left the hotel at 4:00 am), and hit the trail with some nice folks from Texas unintentionally. The first peak was tough, steep and rocky, with the occasional complete lack of any trail at all. The peak was celebrated with all at the top, then we headed down the saddle to peak two. On top of peak two, the wind picked up like nothing I had ever seen. It was constant, steady, freezing, and somewhere in the realm of 40 miles per hour or so. But we powered on to peak three. By now, we were pretty sure we were nuts, but we had no other option but to finish up the run with the forth peak...which we promptly followed with a wrong turn and an abandoned extremely steep path down to the bottom. But hey, it makes for a cool story, right? :)
After that, we talked about doing Grays and Torreys, two notoriously tough peaks that my parents tackled half of last year. But, being the wimp that I am, I just couldn't make my legs climb any more.
Climbing 14ers isn't like just climbing any old mountain path. It's like joining an elite club. On the way up, you encourage people you pass, or more than likely, they encourage you as they pass you. When you show up at the summit, people cheer (seriously), and sometimes you get random high-fives and such. You swap stories of summit experiences (heard about a blizzard in July, a helicopter ride after a broken foot, and so many others). And the first question you hear is typically, "How many have you done?".
I rather enjoy the 14er club, and I am very excited for future trips into rougher territory, climbing steeper and longer trails. But next time, I'll be in better shape...at least my calves hope so. :)
Dad and I took our first he-and-I vacation this summer to the wild west of Colorado. The goal: climb as many 14,000-foot mountains as we could in four days. We took off early on Saturday, July 11th and drove the whole way in a day to our destination of Dillon, Colorado.
Once there, we debated climbing a smaller peak on day one or head straight for the big guns. Of course, we decided to do a 14er on the first day. Mt. Sherman would be our first climb. It's known to the 14er circles as one of the easiest 14ers in Colorado, so we figured we could tackle it. As it turns out, "easy" is a relative term. I thought it was a tough climb, but it was my own fault after all. I was too darn lazy to train for the trip, and some last minute planning left me with little time to train anyway. My scrawny legs struggled to propel my body up the mountain, but luckily, my will and ambition were just slightly stronger than my muscles, and we made the summit in a matter of hours.
The second day, we tackled Quandary Peak. This was a tricky one because all of the trail guides we had read listed it as a Class 1, which signifies that the path should be clear, safe, and "easy". There's that word again. Quandary was a constant slope, almost never leveling out anywhere. And it was long - over six miles round trip. Imagine, if you will, walking up a ramp, at about a 45 degree angle, for over three miles - that's Quandary Peak. My calves were so sore, I didn't know what to do with myself on the way up, and on the way down, our knees where crying equally as loud. Even though it was long and tough, it was pretty darn fun. We encountered several mountain goats on our way up that seemed to want to play or eat or something that was much too close for comfort. We did get caught it a bit of a rain storm on the way down, but it wasn't too bad - just rain, no hail.
On day three, we were ready to tackle a behemouth of a mountain hike - the DeCaLiBron - four peaks, all at 14,000 feet or higher. We arrived at the trailhead at some terrible hour (left the hotel at 4:00 am), and hit the trail with some nice folks from Texas unintentionally. The first peak was tough, steep and rocky, with the occasional complete lack of any trail at all. The peak was celebrated with all at the top, then we headed down the saddle to peak two. On top of peak two, the wind picked up like nothing I had ever seen. It was constant, steady, freezing, and somewhere in the realm of 40 miles per hour or so. But we powered on to peak three. By now, we were pretty sure we were nuts, but we had no other option but to finish up the run with the forth peak...which we promptly followed with a wrong turn and an abandoned extremely steep path down to the bottom. But hey, it makes for a cool story, right? :)
After that, we talked about doing Grays and Torreys, two notoriously tough peaks that my parents tackled half of last year. But, being the wimp that I am, I just couldn't make my legs climb any more.
Climbing 14ers isn't like just climbing any old mountain path. It's like joining an elite club. On the way up, you encourage people you pass, or more than likely, they encourage you as they pass you. When you show up at the summit, people cheer (seriously), and sometimes you get random high-fives and such. You swap stories of summit experiences (heard about a blizzard in July, a helicopter ride after a broken foot, and so many others). And the first question you hear is typically, "How many have you done?".
I rather enjoy the 14er club, and I am very excited for future trips into rougher territory, climbing steeper and longer trails. But next time, I'll be in better shape...at least my calves hope so. :)
Monday, July 06, 2009
Oh Dear
Several of you have already heard this story, but I usually feel better after writing about things, so thus...
Last week at church, I was approached by a man I had met before and talked with a few times. He always used to ask me if I had a boyfriend or if I was planning to get married someday, just, I thought as to give me a bit of a hard time. I would laugh and reply that I did not, and that I wasn't in a hurry. His wife would roll her eyes. But I digress.
He approached me and shook my hand, asked me how things were going. I replied politely, and went to walk away when he started to say, "You know, Lindsey, I wasn't going to come to church today. I had a lot of other things to do, but I decided to come because God told me I should talk with you..." Well then. So, I smiled and continued to politely carry on conversation. The next thing he said when I asked him how things were going was, "Well, I'm not married anymore," while pointing to his ring finger.
Red flag number one. I knew where this was headed.
He went on to tell me about his "other family" from his first wife and his older kids (in their 20s).
Red flag number two. This one was a surprise...not where I thought things were headed.
He went on still to say that he wanted to get to know me and that sometime we should go for a walk or meet for lunch if time allowed.
Red flag number three...ah, this is the direction I anticipated. But, I'm running out of red flags by this time. I was barely speaking at all...just attempting to become invisible right in front of him.
Then he asked for my email address. And for some reason, I gave it to him. Why did I do that?
Twenty minutes later, I was finally free, but my creep-o-meter was off the charts. And then of course there was the little display of affection in the parking lot where this man proceeded to honk his horn and yell goodbye out the window of his car. And to wrap it up, there was the expected email a few hours later asking for my phone number...which I did not share.
Now, all of that seems pretty tame really. I mean, that's all that happened. But those red flags, for some reason, are stuck on alert mode. I couldn't even look at him this week in church. I hid out until he was gone, hoping and praying that he wouldn't come talk to me. He didn't.
Do I have a sign on my back that says, "I love awkward social situations and am available to ridiculously incompatible people only."?
I wanted so badly to just stand up for myself and say, "You know what? I'm not sure what gave you the idea that I was interested in any sort of relationship at all, but I'm not. So please go away." I mean, that would have done the trick. But I just kept thinking, "Christian love. Christian love. Treat him like a brother. You wouldn't want to be shot down if this was you. Christian love." But I think that those lines get blurred and confused between women and men sometimes. My "Christian love" efforts apparently sometimes get misconstrued into romantic feelings or interest or actions in a man's mind.
Well, the moral of the story is that I'm still insanely uncomfortable for whatever reason. But luckily, I have a wonderful church family that are watching out for me. I am so thankful for that. A few weeks away from church will feel pretty good, I think, and hopefully realign my focus away from this situation and back on God...and on other important things...things like mountain top hikes to 14,000 feet. Pray for my peace of mind in the mean time.
Last week at church, I was approached by a man I had met before and talked with a few times. He always used to ask me if I had a boyfriend or if I was planning to get married someday, just, I thought as to give me a bit of a hard time. I would laugh and reply that I did not, and that I wasn't in a hurry. His wife would roll her eyes. But I digress.
He approached me and shook my hand, asked me how things were going. I replied politely, and went to walk away when he started to say, "You know, Lindsey, I wasn't going to come to church today. I had a lot of other things to do, but I decided to come because God told me I should talk with you..." Well then. So, I smiled and continued to politely carry on conversation. The next thing he said when I asked him how things were going was, "Well, I'm not married anymore," while pointing to his ring finger.
Red flag number one. I knew where this was headed.
He went on to tell me about his "other family" from his first wife and his older kids (in their 20s).
Red flag number two. This one was a surprise...not where I thought things were headed.
He went on still to say that he wanted to get to know me and that sometime we should go for a walk or meet for lunch if time allowed.
Red flag number three...ah, this is the direction I anticipated. But, I'm running out of red flags by this time. I was barely speaking at all...just attempting to become invisible right in front of him.
Then he asked for my email address. And for some reason, I gave it to him. Why did I do that?
Twenty minutes later, I was finally free, but my creep-o-meter was off the charts. And then of course there was the little display of affection in the parking lot where this man proceeded to honk his horn and yell goodbye out the window of his car. And to wrap it up, there was the expected email a few hours later asking for my phone number...which I did not share.
Now, all of that seems pretty tame really. I mean, that's all that happened. But those red flags, for some reason, are stuck on alert mode. I couldn't even look at him this week in church. I hid out until he was gone, hoping and praying that he wouldn't come talk to me. He didn't.
Do I have a sign on my back that says, "I love awkward social situations and am available to ridiculously incompatible people only."?
I wanted so badly to just stand up for myself and say, "You know what? I'm not sure what gave you the idea that I was interested in any sort of relationship at all, but I'm not. So please go away." I mean, that would have done the trick. But I just kept thinking, "Christian love. Christian love. Treat him like a brother. You wouldn't want to be shot down if this was you. Christian love." But I think that those lines get blurred and confused between women and men sometimes. My "Christian love" efforts apparently sometimes get misconstrued into romantic feelings or interest or actions in a man's mind.
Well, the moral of the story is that I'm still insanely uncomfortable for whatever reason. But luckily, I have a wonderful church family that are watching out for me. I am so thankful for that. A few weeks away from church will feel pretty good, I think, and hopefully realign my focus away from this situation and back on God...and on other important things...things like mountain top hikes to 14,000 feet. Pray for my peace of mind in the mean time.
Thursday, July 02, 2009
A (Gainfully Employed) Year in Review
Yesterday was my one-year anniversary of being employed at the University of Dubuque, so I thought it would be fitting to spend some time this morning looking over my blog entries from a year ago. Turns out, they're great for a laugh. Check out July and August 2008 archives to re-enjoy them as I have (be sure to read from bottom to top).
God has been so good in this last year. Not only has He brought me to the place that He wants me to be, He's molded me and changed me for the better, equipping me for even better use by Him. When I started this job, I was, in a word, overwhelmed...overwhelmed with life, coming at me from all angles, with everything it had tho throw at me. I was a full time grad student and full time rookie employee, all the while fighting to be a good girlfriend, good friend, good daughter, and all around good person...many of which I was really no good at at all for a time. I was high strung, wound too tight, eating too little, and fighting too hard to make all the spinning plates stay atop their respective posts. But that was only for a season.
I can't quite identify the moment it happened, but I was changed completely. I learned what true reliance on God felt like, and why it is so extremely crucial to my survival in this world. And my whole personality has been altered for the better as one who now strives for calm, peaceful moments.
All of this, I've poured out to you before here, so I won't draw on about that for too much longer...
Over the past year:
God has been so good in this last year. Not only has He brought me to the place that He wants me to be, He's molded me and changed me for the better, equipping me for even better use by Him. When I started this job, I was, in a word, overwhelmed...overwhelmed with life, coming at me from all angles, with everything it had tho throw at me. I was a full time grad student and full time rookie employee, all the while fighting to be a good girlfriend, good friend, good daughter, and all around good person...many of which I was really no good at at all for a time. I was high strung, wound too tight, eating too little, and fighting too hard to make all the spinning plates stay atop their respective posts. But that was only for a season.
I can't quite identify the moment it happened, but I was changed completely. I learned what true reliance on God felt like, and why it is so extremely crucial to my survival in this world. And my whole personality has been altered for the better as one who now strives for calm, peaceful moments.
All of this, I've poured out to you before here, so I won't draw on about that for too much longer...
Over the past year:
- I have attended forty plus concerts, comedians, hypnotists, or entertainers.
- I have been on seven or so trips with students, one of which was an overnight trip to a conference, and several of which were on filled charter buses.
- I managed to come out ahead in all of my department budgets while effectively spending a few hundred thousand dollars.
- I ran a New Student Orientation program, a Homecoming Week (completely with parade), and a Spring Fling Week all for the first time, and all without major incident.
- I somehow convinced campus to let me move my office to a primo location in the Student Union (at least we're making progress on that front still).
- I have made (or at least I think I have made) no enemies across campus.
- I have given Ramen noodles away as a game show prize.
- I've been bowling three times, played mini golf once, was a game show judge once on accident, gone out to eat numerous times, and build dance decorations all as part of my job.
- I started several new initiatives while leaving a few others behind.
- I have learned about politics and played the game, if I do say so myself, pretty darn well.
- I have made an impact while remaining completely true to myself and my faith.
- I've laughed more than I've cried.
And with all that in one year, who can ask for more? Alright, it's back to work for me. Of all the things I have mastered this year, staying on top of my voicemails is not one of them...I guess that's what I'll be doing the rest of today.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
The Idea of a Prayer Journal
I've been thinking about this for a while now. I've been trying to come up with the best way to go about it.... a prayer journal.
The idea sounds great. A prayer journal would provide me a way to keep track of all those people that I tell, I'm praying for you. It would even be a way to look back and see the real results of prayer, a view of how God is answering prayer, not only in my life, but the lives of those around me.
But the execution of it seem pretty overwhelming. Just to think of all the times in a week that I say, I'm praying for you...what does that look like in a journal? Does it look like the same things on every page for weeks? Or does it require me to look back and pray over all those different things until I know prayers have been answered?
Probably the most overwhelming thing about a prayer journal would be the fact that it may actually keep me accountable for all those, I'm praying for you's that I throw out there. It takes away the excuse to pray for someone or something just quick once or twice. A journal would actually make me spend some serious time in prayer, more than once, more than just quick.
And honestly, maybe that's what's missing in my walk with God right now - some serious accountablity in our relationship. The circumstances of my life right now have not permitted me to have a ton of accountability to others, although this is something that I am striving for, but that is no reason to lack accountability for myself.
So, overwhelming or not, I think that a prayer journal is good thing for me, something that will hopefully deepen my prayer life, focus me in, and realign my heart with God.
If you keep a prayer journal and happen to be reading along, feel free to leave me a comment on what you've done and how it's been working in your life.
The idea sounds great. A prayer journal would provide me a way to keep track of all those people that I tell, I'm praying for you. It would even be a way to look back and see the real results of prayer, a view of how God is answering prayer, not only in my life, but the lives of those around me.
But the execution of it seem pretty overwhelming. Just to think of all the times in a week that I say, I'm praying for you...what does that look like in a journal? Does it look like the same things on every page for weeks? Or does it require me to look back and pray over all those different things until I know prayers have been answered?
Probably the most overwhelming thing about a prayer journal would be the fact that it may actually keep me accountable for all those, I'm praying for you's that I throw out there. It takes away the excuse to pray for someone or something just quick once or twice. A journal would actually make me spend some serious time in prayer, more than once, more than just quick.
And honestly, maybe that's what's missing in my walk with God right now - some serious accountablity in our relationship. The circumstances of my life right now have not permitted me to have a ton of accountability to others, although this is something that I am striving for, but that is no reason to lack accountability for myself.
So, overwhelming or not, I think that a prayer journal is good thing for me, something that will hopefully deepen my prayer life, focus me in, and realign my heart with God.
If you keep a prayer journal and happen to be reading along, feel free to leave me a comment on what you've done and how it's been working in your life.
Monday, June 08, 2009
Unwound
I love who I'm becoming. It may sound silly just to throw that out there like that, but it is so true. I never imagined that God would bring me to this point. A little less than a year ago, I embarked a new adventure that I felt led to with absolutely no idea where it would take me. But through the ups and downs that I'm sure I've talked about before, I have been transformed, a transformation that I can feel and see and enjoy (and hopefully others can, too).
I have unwound. Once upon a time I was wound so tight, you could have sworn I was a yo-yo or or a lawn mower with a pull-string starter. Wind me up and watch me go. I was a reckless force on a self-destructive path of perfection seeking, stress, and pent-up anxiety over all sorts of things. Now, although the occasional unjust moment can crank me tight for a few seconds, I am able to lay back and enjoy life in its imperfect messiness. And that's okay.
It's not that I'm no longer striving to do my best work or work as hard as I can; it's not that I've become lazy or nonchalant about life and my surroundings; it's just that...well, I can't even really put a finger on what it is... It just feels like once I was constricted and wound tight about everything, as if forced to run a race with a fifty foot rope tying my arms to my sides, and now that rope has fallen off and my arms are free...or sort of like I was free-falling from an airplane in a frantic effort to find my chute...and finally I found the pull and the chute deployed... I don't know...it's just a huge burden that I didn't even know I had has been removed from my shoulders. Blessing!
The best part of this transformation is that it was not something that I asked for specifically in prayer. It came because God knows me better than I know myself. How good it is to have such a caring God. And you know what? Even if no one else has or will ever notice my transformation, I know, and that's what's important. Whether evident to the outside world or not, I'm free.
I love who I'm becoming.
I have unwound. Once upon a time I was wound so tight, you could have sworn I was a yo-yo or or a lawn mower with a pull-string starter. Wind me up and watch me go. I was a reckless force on a self-destructive path of perfection seeking, stress, and pent-up anxiety over all sorts of things. Now, although the occasional unjust moment can crank me tight for a few seconds, I am able to lay back and enjoy life in its imperfect messiness. And that's okay.
It's not that I'm no longer striving to do my best work or work as hard as I can; it's not that I've become lazy or nonchalant about life and my surroundings; it's just that...well, I can't even really put a finger on what it is... It just feels like once I was constricted and wound tight about everything, as if forced to run a race with a fifty foot rope tying my arms to my sides, and now that rope has fallen off and my arms are free...or sort of like I was free-falling from an airplane in a frantic effort to find my chute...and finally I found the pull and the chute deployed... I don't know...it's just a huge burden that I didn't even know I had has been removed from my shoulders. Blessing!
The best part of this transformation is that it was not something that I asked for specifically in prayer. It came because God knows me better than I know myself. How good it is to have such a caring God. And you know what? Even if no one else has or will ever notice my transformation, I know, and that's what's important. Whether evident to the outside world or not, I'm free.
I love who I'm becoming.
Monday, April 13, 2009
The Worst Thing
This is some perspective gained from little moments with close friends.
What's the worst thing that could happen? What's the worst thing that could happen if you didn't get the laundry switched, the email checked, or that one last thing bought? It could be that if you don't check your email, you'll miss a note about a meeting, miss the meeting, fail to complete the project at the meeting, get fired, lose your house and all your things, and end up homeless on the streets. Or, perhaps, you could just check your email tomorrow.
Once upon a time, I used to be crazy. I would fly around trying to get every last detail arranged, trying to be ahead of schedule, tyring to make sure it was all just so. And although that ghost occasionally slips out of the closet, I find that that's a pretty rough approach to life. (Refer to post archives about the "lost years" for more information on that topic.)
Will I really end up homeless on the streets if I don't complete my to-do list today? Will the world come to an end if a detail slips my mind? Certainly this is not the case. Does this give me an excuse to be lazy and non-determined in my work? Absolutely not. This simply gives me permission to not always have to be all things to all people. It gives me the go-ahead to make a mistake or two. It allows me to end my day when the day is done, not when my list is done.
Life can get chaotic. It's true. Things tend to pile up all at once, and it can feel pretty overwhelming. But that's the time when we need this perspective the most. We need to hold on tight knowing that much of the list is bound to be left until tomorrow and knowing that it will, eventually, get better. And that's okay.
After all, what's the worst thing that could happen?
What's the worst thing that could happen? What's the worst thing that could happen if you didn't get the laundry switched, the email checked, or that one last thing bought? It could be that if you don't check your email, you'll miss a note about a meeting, miss the meeting, fail to complete the project at the meeting, get fired, lose your house and all your things, and end up homeless on the streets. Or, perhaps, you could just check your email tomorrow.
Once upon a time, I used to be crazy. I would fly around trying to get every last detail arranged, trying to be ahead of schedule, tyring to make sure it was all just so. And although that ghost occasionally slips out of the closet, I find that that's a pretty rough approach to life. (Refer to post archives about the "lost years" for more information on that topic.)
Will I really end up homeless on the streets if I don't complete my to-do list today? Will the world come to an end if a detail slips my mind? Certainly this is not the case. Does this give me an excuse to be lazy and non-determined in my work? Absolutely not. This simply gives me permission to not always have to be all things to all people. It gives me the go-ahead to make a mistake or two. It allows me to end my day when the day is done, not when my list is done.
Life can get chaotic. It's true. Things tend to pile up all at once, and it can feel pretty overwhelming. But that's the time when we need this perspective the most. We need to hold on tight knowing that much of the list is bound to be left until tomorrow and knowing that it will, eventually, get better. And that's okay.
After all, what's the worst thing that could happen?
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