The Worst Thing

This is some perspective gained from little moments with close friends.

What's the worst thing that could happen? What's the worst thing that could happen if you didn't get the laundry switched, the email checked, or that one last thing bought? It could be that if you don't check your email, you'll miss a note about a meeting, miss the meeting, fail to complete the project at the meeting, get fired, lose your house and all your things, and end up homeless on the streets. Or, perhaps, you could just check your email tomorrow.

Once upon a time, I used to be crazy. I would fly around trying to get every last detail arranged, trying to be ahead of schedule, tyring to make sure it was all just so. And although that ghost occasionally slips out of the closet, I find that that's a pretty rough approach to life. (Refer to post archives about the "lost years" for more information on that topic.)

Will I really end up homeless on the streets if I don't complete my to-do list today? Will the world come to an end if a detail slips my mind? Certainly this is not the case. Does this give me an excuse to be lazy and non-determined in my work? Absolutely not. This simply gives me permission to not always have to be all things to all people. It gives me the go-ahead to make a mistake or two. It allows me to end my day when the day is done, not when my list is done.

Life can get chaotic. It's true. Things tend to pile up all at once, and it can feel pretty overwhelming. But that's the time when we need this perspective the most. We need to hold on tight knowing that much of the list is bound to be left until tomorrow and knowing that it will, eventually, get better. And that's okay.

After all, what's the worst thing that could happen?

Killing Myself

No, it's not what you think. I have absolutely zero suicidal tendencies, and the thought has honestly never come close to crossing my mind. But apparently, I'm still working on killing myself.

I went to the doctor about a month ago...a new doctor....for the annual womanly check up. And everything went really well, except for this one little thing. Previous doctors had always commented on this one little thing, but no one had ever stopped to me to say they were worried about it: high blood pressure. It seems so insignificant really. The words "high blood pressure" aren't particularly frightening...not like "heart attack" or "cancer," so I've always just played it off. Oh, it's always been that high...probably nothing to worry about.

But this new doctor stopped me in my tracks last month. She suggested a change that I could make that was pretty small and would save me some money by getting off a perscription that I actually didn't really need anymore. She said that that would probably fix it, told me to come back in a month, and we'd talk more then.

Today was a month later, and as promised I swung in over lunch and got my reading taking. Again, it was the same sort of hypertentious high as it had been before. I wasn't even scheduled to see the doctor, just a nurse, but sure enough, the doctor wanted to see me. She came in with a crumpled up face and told me she wasn't very happy with me. "This is not good," was repeated more than once.

After more talking, it pretty much came down to: figure out how to eat better and live better because right now you're killing yourself (maybe in not so many words...), and come back in a month.

Let's face the facts here. I live my life like an obese person. I know that. I eat bad for me foods including primarily pre-packaged, chemically treated, frozen, boxed, cupped, or otherwise instant food varieties because it's faster and easier than making real foods. I don't work out enough (sometimes not at all). And I don't give much regard to anything healthy. Did I just eat half that brick of cream cheese by myself? Wow, the whole frozen pizza is gone. How many cookies until it's considered gluttonous? But with this new ultimatum: eat health or risk an early death, it has me once again rethinking things.

I can't imagine what weight news like cancer or disease would carry after hearing this little, seemingly insignificant news of hypertention. I feel completely paranoid today, considering everything that I put in my mouth as a possible poison that will lead to my ever-shortening lifespan. Will I have a heart attack when my grandkids are too young to remember me?

So, I have to find a way out. I have to seek out a solution. Food shouldn't be that hard. It becomes eating to live a good and healthy life not just eating to satisfy me right now. This will not be an easy road to travel. I will, undoubtedly break down and want to eat that large pizza or every cookie in the package, but I will...I must try something new. Pray for me on this journey, because no one knows better that I just how weak I am. Cheers to a new lifestyle! Who wants to come with me?