The Year of No Bullsh!t is two months in, and like many of my named years, it is not really turning out as I expected. It shouldn't really be that surprising.
The original name of my year was the Year of No Guilt, No Excuses. It was born of an exhaustion of making excuses for why I couldn't get my life together. The kids were too little, I was too tired, the days were too short, money was too tight...
I geared up for my year with much planning and anticipation, working hard to research and focus in on what I really wanted to accomplish. But what I didn't anticipate was that the guilt side of the no-guilt-no-excuses year weighed far heavier than I thought it did. I was making excuses, not as a way to avoid entering into the hard work of making the life I wanted, but as a way to curb all the guilt I felt for not already living the life I wanted.
I dove mightily into the beginning of a year that was to contain physical fitness, practical tidiness, budget mindfulness, meal planning...all the shit that I hadn't been focusing on due to all the excuses that I had been making for the last 18 months. And after a few weeks, I realized that these weren't magical fixes to my hot-mess life. In fact, some of the efforts were making me miserable. I was guilting myself into things instead of actually being motivated to do them, and it was just making things worse.
So I stopped. I stopped working out. I stopped forcing meal planning. I stopped the dream of room-by-room tidiness overhaul. And I started looking at all the guilt. Why do I feel guilty for not working out? Is this expectation practical? Is it possible all of the time? Is it meaningful to me in some way? Right now? No. It's just a thing I said I'd do. But what if... What if I didn't workout AND didn't feel guilty about it? What would that even look like?
It's been a process, friends. A real working out of emotions and priorities. One that I should have maybe started with back in October. But the evaluation is slowing working. I'm recognizing (re-recognizing?) that I am highly motivated by meaning. And if there's no meaning, there's very little motivation, but there's still a whole lot of guilt and shoulda-coulda-woulda's lingering about.
So, with the new calendar year upon us, a time of year I rarely capitalize on for focus, goals, or motivation, I'm contemplating a mulligan to my year. Because in order to truly have a year with neither guilt nor excuses to living the life I want, I need to understand why I might experience guilt and why I might craft excuses first. And that requires a much deeper look at what is truly meaningful to me.
In the end, I think some of the things I started with this year will eventually be back on as priorities, but they will not be obligations to fulfill. They will be meaningful contributions to crafting a meaningful life.
Monday, December 17, 2018
Wednesday, September 26, 2018
#YearofNBS: Phase One: The Gear Up
Preparations for the Year of No Bullsh!t (NBS) are well underway, people. It's kind of a funny thing to spend so much time to prepare for a life change, but I suppose it's all actually just a part of the change itself. With four weeks to go before the year officially begins, I've at least begun my preparations, and here's what the plan looks like so far.
Healthy Time
One of the first areas I needed to tackle was rearranging some of my time to help better fit in the priorities that I feel are actually important. Healthy time requires me to understand first how my time is spent.
Done:
As I mentioned in my previous post, I'm a total hot-mess-mom that you should never just drop in on because, I promise, I'm not ready. Figuring out how to not be a total domestic failure is a significant priority.
Done:
This is the category that I've spent the least amount of time one, but it might actually be the most critical to our family well being. Overall, I'm happier when there is less thought and choice involved in what we're eating. Plus, as a bonus, we save money and waste less food when we thoughtfully plan our choices.
So that's it. That's my progress so far. I'll check in in another week or so with more progress!
Healthy Time
One of the first areas I needed to tackle was rearranging some of my time to help better fit in the priorities that I feel are actually important. Healthy time requires me to understand first how my time is spent.
Done:
- I put a timer app on my phone called Space, that reminds me when I've spent too much time on my screen or have unlocked it way too many times for the day.
- I'm using a planning tool called Trello to help me organize priorities in general. It's sort of like a multi-layered checklist that I've categorized to include a lot of the areas of my life that need a hand in organizing and thinking about.
- I requested an extra hour a day for my kids at daycare. Instead of trying to pick them up immediately after work at 3:45 pm, I'll aim to pick them up between 4:30 and 4:45.
- I selected an 8 week workout program that offers daily 15 minute workouts. This is an accomplishable amount of time to start with while I am also doing some running and yoga. And it will be fun to try something new.
- I am contemplating removing Facebook from my phone. I waste so much time on it as the thing that I mindlessly do when I don't want to do anything else. But sometimes I end up in rabbit holes that take up way too much time.
- I'm thinking about doing a one-week time study where I record what I do every 15 minutes of the day for all of my waking hours to basically prove to myself that I waste copious amounts of time on stupid crap. Anyone want to join me in trying this challenge?
- I'm pondering the idea of paying someone to wrangle some of my technology messes. I've got some accounts I'd like to consolidate and some issues with my tablet that I don't want to dink with anymore. Sometimes, exchanging time for money is an important and necessary thing.
As I mentioned in my previous post, I'm a total hot-mess-mom that you should never just drop in on because, I promise, I'm not ready. Figuring out how to not be a total domestic failure is a significant priority.
Done:
- Hubs and I tore apart our bedroom recently bagging up clothing and shoes we don't wear to get it out of the house. It's a major contributor to clutter. Instead of trying to be sustainable and donate the items to Goodwill or another entity (a process that usually looks like a garbage bag of clothes on the back porch for 6 months), we just threw.it.away.
- I have been desperately trying to keep up with wiping down the kitchen table and floor. Seems dumb, I know, but of all the things I try to accomplish before I drop for the night, the eating area is my least favorite. So much kid food smeared about. Sometimes habits are only formed by repetition.
- I need to make a longer-term clutter tackling plan to includes some deadlines. It is a perpetual effort that cannot be done once and then ignored. Junk enters our house daily, so it needs to find a way to exit our house daily.
- We continue to cycle out some toys in areas that are filled with too many toys. We're planning to watch how the kids play with the toys and remove the ones that remain untouched.
This is the category that I've spent the least amount of time one, but it might actually be the most critical to our family well being. Overall, I'm happier when there is less thought and choice involved in what we're eating. Plus, as a bonus, we save money and waste less food when we thoughtfully plan our choices.
So that's it. That's my progress so far. I'll check in in another week or so with more progress!
Friday, September 14, 2018
The Year of No-Guilt-No-Excuses
I need to be frank for a few minutes. Because for the last nearly 15 months, I have not really been forthcoming at all. I've been pretty sneaky. Pretty clever. But not really all that honest.
Shortly after the twins were born, I slouched, sank, and eventually spiraled pretty hard into postpartum depression and anxiety. And I worked my ass off to hide it from everyone. And I never got the help that, looking back, I really needed. All a saga for another day.
But now, as we approach the twins turning 15 months, summer quickly fading into shorter, cooler days of fall, I am struggling to shift gears into a healthier, happier version of life that I expected to find by now. Some aspects of life have improved significantly. The mobility and food-freedoms of growing toddlers have alleviated many of the stresses of earlier life all-consumed with nursing/pumping schedules and baby carrying/wearing/strollering options. And sleep, while certainly not perfect, has settled into a mostly viable routine for all of us. So much of life in our current state is so much fun. New skills, words, and daily discoveries are exciting and make my heart smile.
But at this point, I have some desires bubbling up that are remaining largely unfulfilled. Because, let's be honest, it's just damn hard! All of it. Working, parenting, living...it's just hard. But there's got to be alternatives to my current situation which looks like morning-rush-no-lunch-evening-rush-bedtime-routine-facebook-zombie-do-it-all-again-tomorrow, sprinkled with hefty amounts of never-finished-laundry-sticky-surfaces-and-pee-or-diapers-everywhere.
So alternatives. I've considered them all. And I mostly greet them with excuses. I'll speak on my desire to workout first. Alternative: workout over lunch. Excuse: I don't usually take lunch so I can get home earlier to be with the kids, a chaotic exercise in survival until bedtime. Alternative: keep kids in school for an extra hour a day to workout after work. Excuse: mom guilt piles on big time because I do really want to see my kids during their waking hours, even if it's not always fun. And let's talk about meal and grocery planning. Because our current method of pantry scrambling and fast food aren't exactly always delicious or nutritious. Alternative: spend one hour a week making a plan, a list, and running to the store. Excuse: Okay, but like when? (Ya'll did see my facebook-zombie mention earlier, right? Clearly not every moment of my life is occupied well.) Alternative: once a month meal planning. We've even done this before, and it was hugely successful. Excuse: I'd have to send the kids away for a weekend a month to make it happen. One more. Let's talk about the state of my house. I never really envisioned myself as the hot-mess-mom type until I had three kids within two years, but let me tell you - I am indeed, a fully hot-mess-mom. Like, seriously. Don't come to my house unannounced. I'm not ready. Ever. Alternative: facebook-zombie time needs to go. That's enough time for a full load of laundry and a kitchen scrubdown before bedtime. Excuse: I'm too tired/don't want to think/exert effort/do anymore today.
But today, I just can't with it all anymore. I can't keep gazing longingly at my alternatives as if they weren't really possible, piling excuse after excuse on top of them. Not anymore. It's time to gear up for a real change. A life change. Not because my kids need it, or even my family unit as a whole needs it. Not for my husband or outward appearances (even though I do appreciate at least appearing within socially acceptable ranges of normal cleanliness and functionality).
I need this. I need to be healthy. I need to be motivated and functional and honest and real. I need to get out of the spiral-sink-slouch of the last 15 months and take pride in my life, the daily doings that make up the very core of who I am. It's gear up time. Gearing up for the next phase. The phase of life that will make me a better wife, a better mother, because I make me a better me.
So, six weeks in advance of my birthday, I dedicate my upcoming year to No-Guilt-No-Excuses. A year for me to right myself, to take pride in something, to shake the last shreds of depression, anxiety, and burden that I have carried for too long. It will require fight, tenacity, and effort, but it will also require grace, acceptance, and humility. And, for fun and accountability, I'll take you along with me.
Phase One will be drafting a plan. I tend to be highly motivated by plans, goals, visuals (sticker charts, anyone?), and progress. Over the next six weeks, I hope to prepare the strategy that will carry my no-guilt-no-excuses life changes. I do this all the time in my professional life, with an excellent track record. Why it hasn't transferred into my personal life, I do not understand. But this year, it will. It must. For my well being, for my children, for my spouse, but most importantly, just for me.
Shortly after the twins were born, I slouched, sank, and eventually spiraled pretty hard into postpartum depression and anxiety. And I worked my ass off to hide it from everyone. And I never got the help that, looking back, I really needed. All a saga for another day.
But now, as we approach the twins turning 15 months, summer quickly fading into shorter, cooler days of fall, I am struggling to shift gears into a healthier, happier version of life that I expected to find by now. Some aspects of life have improved significantly. The mobility and food-freedoms of growing toddlers have alleviated many of the stresses of earlier life all-consumed with nursing/pumping schedules and baby carrying/wearing/strollering options. And sleep, while certainly not perfect, has settled into a mostly viable routine for all of us. So much of life in our current state is so much fun. New skills, words, and daily discoveries are exciting and make my heart smile.
But at this point, I have some desires bubbling up that are remaining largely unfulfilled. Because, let's be honest, it's just damn hard! All of it. Working, parenting, living...it's just hard. But there's got to be alternatives to my current situation which looks like morning-rush-no-lunch-evening-rush-bedtime-routine-facebook-zombie-do-it-all-again-tomorrow, sprinkled with hefty amounts of never-finished-laundry-sticky-surfaces-and-pee-or-diapers-everywhere.
So alternatives. I've considered them all. And I mostly greet them with excuses. I'll speak on my desire to workout first. Alternative: workout over lunch. Excuse: I don't usually take lunch so I can get home earlier to be with the kids, a chaotic exercise in survival until bedtime. Alternative: keep kids in school for an extra hour a day to workout after work. Excuse: mom guilt piles on big time because I do really want to see my kids during their waking hours, even if it's not always fun. And let's talk about meal and grocery planning. Because our current method of pantry scrambling and fast food aren't exactly always delicious or nutritious. Alternative: spend one hour a week making a plan, a list, and running to the store. Excuse: Okay, but like when? (Ya'll did see my facebook-zombie mention earlier, right? Clearly not every moment of my life is occupied well.) Alternative: once a month meal planning. We've even done this before, and it was hugely successful. Excuse: I'd have to send the kids away for a weekend a month to make it happen. One more. Let's talk about the state of my house. I never really envisioned myself as the hot-mess-mom type until I had three kids within two years, but let me tell you - I am indeed, a fully hot-mess-mom. Like, seriously. Don't come to my house unannounced. I'm not ready. Ever. Alternative: facebook-zombie time needs to go. That's enough time for a full load of laundry and a kitchen scrubdown before bedtime. Excuse: I'm too tired/don't want to think/exert effort/do anymore today.
But today, I just can't with it all anymore. I can't keep gazing longingly at my alternatives as if they weren't really possible, piling excuse after excuse on top of them. Not anymore. It's time to gear up for a real change. A life change. Not because my kids need it, or even my family unit as a whole needs it. Not for my husband or outward appearances (even though I do appreciate at least appearing within socially acceptable ranges of normal cleanliness and functionality).
I need this. I need to be healthy. I need to be motivated and functional and honest and real. I need to get out of the spiral-sink-slouch of the last 15 months and take pride in my life, the daily doings that make up the very core of who I am. It's gear up time. Gearing up for the next phase. The phase of life that will make me a better wife, a better mother, because I make me a better me.
So, six weeks in advance of my birthday, I dedicate my upcoming year to No-Guilt-No-Excuses. A year for me to right myself, to take pride in something, to shake the last shreds of depression, anxiety, and burden that I have carried for too long. It will require fight, tenacity, and effort, but it will also require grace, acceptance, and humility. And, for fun and accountability, I'll take you along with me.
Phase One will be drafting a plan. I tend to be highly motivated by plans, goals, visuals (sticker charts, anyone?), and progress. Over the next six weeks, I hope to prepare the strategy that will carry my no-guilt-no-excuses life changes. I do this all the time in my professional life, with an excellent track record. Why it hasn't transferred into my personal life, I do not understand. But this year, it will. It must. For my well being, for my children, for my spouse, but most importantly, just for me.
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