Friday, January 29, 2010

7) What are you most afraid of?

I don't know that I realized, when I posted this question to my class, that it was actually an extremely difficult question to answer, not necessarily because I am unaware of my personal fears but because it takes a moment of extraordinary vulnerability to actually express them to someone else. There are some fears, certainly, that are easy to express. My fear of spiders, for instance, is not any unknown fact to most. I make it pretty apparent every time one of those creepy crawly critters makes its way across my desk at work or down the wall at my house. There are many things that I am afraid of that people know about, but when the question of the thing (or things) that I am most afraid of comes up, we're talking about another whole level of fear.

I will begin at a much easier starting place, with some things that I am not afraid of that may make the "most afraid" list for some people.

I am not afraid of what lies ahead in my career path. For some, the question of their life's work, their ultimate career, living in the "right" city, working for the "best" company, is the very obsession and pinnacle point of their lives. The very idea of a career and power, wealth, influence, and being in the "right" place at the "right" time consumes them with terror and worry to get it just "right". This is not something I fear. I have had my fair share of fret on the topic earlier in life, but now, I'm confident in God's leading without question. I have found my calling, and where and how I accomplish that is not a matter of "right" or "wrong". I just keep operating within God's will, and that is enough.

I am not afraid of financial crisis. Often times, for those obsessed with career and life's work, fears of money come next. I know I am well provided for. I have never been in a time of extreme need, by the very grace of God. I am a careful manager and steward of my money, and even if I would end up penniless and poor, God maintains control, and I will not be left alone. I do not fear money.

I am not afraid of bullies. I am not afraid of war. I am not afraid of potential natural or unnatural disasters. I am not afraid of my past. I am not afraid of public speaking. I am not afraid of trying new things.

This is where that moment of extraordinary vulnerability kicks in. You see, I am afraid of being alone. I am afraid of never finding true love, and I am afraid of never having children. Logic and my faith tell me not to be afraid of these things. If I can trust God to lead me in my career, my very life's work, in my money, in many aspects of my life, why can I not trust him with this? He knows the desires of my heart, and He wants my heart to know joy, but what if His plan is different than mine?

This battle is one that I have fought for years. Every day, I have to consiously take off this burdenous chain of fear and hand it to God. Some days, I want to hold on to it. Perhaps the burden isn't so unbearable...I'll just hold on to it for a while. But it is always better in God's hands. If I trust God to provide for me in the ways He sees best in other areas of my life, I must trust Him to take care of me in this aspect. And I know that He will.

So there you have it. I am revealed, exposed, vulnerable to anyone who took the moment to read along. But for those of you who are joining me in this journey, you can now pray for me in my specific fears. And if you have fears, perhaps you could expose them to someone who can pray for you. God is good, and fully worthy of trust. He has given me no reason to doubt. I will be raised up by the faith of others when my faith is not strong enough to raise up myself. Thank you for sharing your faith with me.

6) What is your biggest pet peeve(s)?

In direct correlation with my previous post regarding complaints, I have opted not to answer this question in the progression of classroom questions. I'll be sure to tackle the next one soon.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Complaints

It seems that lately the theme of complaints has come up pretty frequently in my life, but not necessarily in the way that one would expect. For once in my very long and sordid history with complaining, it is not I who forges ahead with a laundry list of complains (well, there's always a little laundry list, I suppose).

Since the semester has begun, I have taken some time to just stop and listen to students around me. From my vantage point, I can be an unnoticed, hidden little fly on the wall, observing real student interaction from the safety of the back corner of my office. And what I hear more than anything else is, well, complaining (and swear words, but I'll save that for another post). Complaining about classes; complaining about professors; complaining about "friends", enemies, acquaintances; complaining about other peoples' complaining; complaining about home life, dorm life, night life... There never seems to be a limit to what students can come up with.

And the source of complaint is nearly never at the fault of the complainer. No, certainly one could never be the source of their own demise. It's always them-this, or you-that, or he-did-this... What has happened to responsibility? Accountability? I guess it's just not how to spills out of the mouth, I suppose.

All this complaining can get a little draining, slowly rubbing off my optimistic sheen, wearing me down to a much duller surface, but then, just as life would have it, the idea of complaining gets shed in a different light. Thank you, World View Seminar Two. The Declaration of Independence is one of the most foundational and important documents to the construction and foundation of the United States. Did you know that the vast bulk of that document is a laundry list of complaints? It launches quite the attack on the King of Britain and its government, citing issues with removing representation, taxation, abolishing necessary laws, killing off trade, limiting population growth, turning colonists against colonists...the list goes on and on. Without this list of complaints (and the declaration that followed), the United States would have never been. So, complaining, as far as I can tell, is not always only bad, wearing, or useless.

And to further the theme of compaints in recent life, the sermon last Sunday touched upon it. In a discussion surrounding the idea of sin substitution, which is not only removing the sin from your life, but filling the area that's left with something else (work, hobbies, etc.), the idea of anger was addressed. Jesus, as it turns out, got ticked off a time or two. Lazarus dies and Jesus is maddened to the point of sobbing. People used the temple as a market place, and Jesus started throwing things and cracked a whip around. And sometimes, in anger, we just need to complain to God. We need to be brutally honest in order to let go of the situation at hand. Prayers are recorded in the Bible of people asking God to kill those that were making things difficult or terrible - to kill them! Now that's a big complaint.

So, where must I land in all of this complaining business? Well, there have been times in my life, where I, like those students who routinely sit outside my office with nothing good to say, have limited my speech to only negative, whiny, complaints, and like me in my office, observers have been worn down and disheartened at my attitude. And there are still times where I find my mouth smack in the middle of an audible complaint before I can even stop it from coming out. I don't like to complain. I don't like it. It has become, for me, a daily challenge to myself to halt a lot of that language from leaving my head and coming out of my mouth because I know that for some, I am an example that is looked to for how to act and live. I want to make sure that complaining doesn't make the top of the list of character traits people gain from observing me.

But, I have to say, that life without complaint is a near impossible feat. In fact, there are necessary times for complaining, times when no complaint would be harmful and hurtful. There are times when righteous complaint is required, even Jesus proved that. When students are treated wrongfully, I will complain. When I'm being taken advantage of at work, I will probably complain. When things need to change and voices need to be heard, odds are good that you'll hear mine.

So, I guess complaining is a coin with two sides. It's not good, but it can be. It's not necessary, but sometimes it may be. And it's not always ungodly to complain, but sometimes it is. No matter what I think about complaining, it is my hope that you find me smiling and laughing far more often anyway.

Friday, January 15, 2010

5) If you were a dessert, what would you be, and why?

Oh yes I did ask this question. And in my class, there was a stipulation: the "why" answer could NOT be "...because I like it."

I'll stick with my original answer when I was asked the question in my class: Fresh baked peach and blueberry cobbler. Fresh out of the oven, I cannot think of too many things that are more homey, comforting, or satisfying. There's something about it that reminds you of home, makes you smile, and warms more that your body...your very soul. I would like to think that when people think of me, they think of home, smile a little, and feel good.

Peach cobbler in itself is a bit plain-jane. There isn't anything fancy-dancy about it, nothing elaborate, difficult, or strange. Me too. But add fresh blueberries, and you've got just a little quirk, something a little out of the ordinary, just slightly better. That's me. I'm a little bit basic, but there's a twist. I have a crazy adventure streak that only some know about. There are little twists that make me more than basic...writing, singing, cooking...

Yes, I would definitely be peach and blueberry cobbler. What dessert would you be?

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

4) What makes you happy?

We continue on the journey of unanswered questions with question number four: What makes you happy? What a great question, right? Intentional time to think about what puts a smile on my face, a warm sensation in my body, and a contented and filled heart is enough to get though even the toughest of days. I will begin with a few brief disclaimers: 1) the rest of this post may not be a complete list of all things that make me happy, but it will, at least perhaps, get you going on your list of what makes you truly happy, and 2) the following list is not by any means in any sort of sequential order, especially not by order of importance, just more the order that they came to my head. Okay, let's get on with this list of happiness goodness.

 • Ice cream. Is there any denying that ice cream is just one of those things that puts a smile on your face? I mean, really, what's not to love? Sugary, creamy deliciousness usually slathered in some other variety of sugary goodness...yum! All time favorites include: Ben&Jerry's seasonal Pumpkin Cheesecake and Coldstone's retired flavor concoction known as Black Forest Dream.

• Food in general. Okay, so after thinking about the joy of ice cream, my mind immediately wandered to all of the other foods that I ever so much enjoy. Some foods are just for eating, but some foods were created and designed solely for enjoying. Mom's lasagna, fettuccini alfredo, cheesecake, chocolate, Grandma's cinnamon rolls...go on a drool for a moment. I know you have favorite comfort foods that come to your mind, too. The grin is almost unstoppable. Food, yes, food, makes me happy.

• Accomplishments. When I do good, I tend to feel good. Doing noteworthy things just makes me happy. I don't need the applause of others necessarily (although that can be fun, too), and I don't need accolades from around the nation or even from around the neighborhood. No, accomplishments could make me happy even if no one knew I accomplished them. A few accomplishments that stick out as particularly happiness-sparking: climbing six 14,000-foot peaks in Colorado, singing the national anthem on the 50-yard line of a college football stadium, completing a Master's degree, buying a home of my own, remaining pure for my future husband (yep, I just said that)... Is your mind starting to wander to your own accomplishments? Go ahead and smile! They make you happy, too, right?

• Cleanliness. This one probably is raising a few eyebrows. Why would cleanliness make me happy? Well, I guess I'm not sure. I just know that sometimes I get excited to clean things, and I feel really great once I've got them clean. House, yard, office (hard to tell in some situations, I realize), they all make me smile when they're squeaky clean and looking their best.

• The great outdoors. Despite being petrified by most common bugs and various other icky things, the great outdoors still easily makes the happy list. There is something about being outside that is like being with God, breathing His air, witnessing His creation first hand. I love sitting outside, working outside, playing outside... I love the change of seasons, the varied landscapes, the extremes of nature at every turn. At this point, I am stilling in my office, grinning like an idiot because of all of things that can make me happy...on with the list.

• Family. I have the type of family that you grew up with on TV. You know the families...where life lessons were discussed, dinners were always eaten together, and Friday nights were not nights to go out to a party but rather stay in and watch TGIF and eat pizza in the living room. That was, and still is my family. We cut down a Christmas tree together every Christmas, attend church together when we're all in the same town, and visit each other as often as possible. Growing up, I didn't realize the value of growing up as I did. I assumed that's just how everyone lived. At this point in my life, I have realized how terrifyingly wrong I was about that. More people than not live in broken homes with messed up families. They fight, hate, hurt, and destroy. They're hungry, dirty, wasteful, and mean. My family was not, and is not, perfect. We've all made plenty of mistakes throughout the years. But we're a good family, filled with love. And that makes me happy.

• Kids. Having none of my own, temporarily, I turn to other people's kids to make me happy. There's just something about a toddler laughing or a baby reaching for your finger that warms the coldest of hearts. I used to watch other people's kids as often as possible. With a full time career, that has gotten quite a bit trickier. I still take joy in playing with kids at church, joking with my neighbor's kids, and occasionally watching a few here and there. Frankly, I cannot wait to have kids of my own. I can't imagine how much more joy my own will bring to my life.

I firmly believe that I could go on...and on...and on. But given that I am still indeed sitting in my office, with much work to be done, and given the fact that I did disclaim at the beginning that this would not be a full list, I'll go ahead and stop for now. I may revisit in the near future however. And hopefully, you've taken at least a few minutes and pondered some of those things that make you most happy in life. Hopefully, you're smiling right now.

Monday, January 04, 2010

3) Why are you here?

After a brief hiatus, I have returned to continue answering the questions that I assigned to my class this past semester. It always seems that the more things there are to do, the more things I try to cram into a day. And when nothing's going on, I aim to keep it that way. Thus, over the past few weeks surrounding Christmas and New Years, I haven't done too much. It was a nice break, but now it's Monday, classes begin in one week, and there is much to be done. So...back to the questions.

The idea for this question came about one day when I was particularly frustrated at my students. One can only accept a certain amount of apathy before wigging out and fully and publicly expressing my disgust. There were many days in class that I simply threw my hands up in the air and exasperatedly proclaimed, "I don't even know why you're here today!" or something along that vein. One day after a similar fit, I told them to tell me why in writing.

So, why am I here? In complete truth, there have been many times in my life that I have struggled with this question and others like it. What does my life mean? Where am I supposed to be? Am I in the will of God? There have been times where a level of sheer panic has arisen in my heart in struggling with finding the answers. What if I'm in the wrong spot? What if I'm doing the wrong things? What if I'm wasting opportunities that I'm supposed to be taking? What if I'm trying to bust down the door when God has opened three other windows?

And although I can't promise that I won't again struggle with these questions and worries, right now, I know the answer. I'm here to serve God. Simple right? I sense some smirking going on. But it's true! I'm here to serve God, and you know what? I don't need anything else.

We, as God's good creation, have been given free will to make choices in our lives. And I believe that sometimes God even gives us more than one "right" choice. God wants us to take joy in Him and in living for Him, and sometimes that includes choosing to do or not to do things. The fact of the matter is, I could make several different choices in regard to say my career, my city of dwelling, my home church, my relationships that could all be "right". And the simple truth is, I full-well know when I'm outside of the will of God. I have to make a conscious choice to exit the will of God. It requires me to try to hide some darkness amidst the Light. It takes effort to do this, and it does not happen by accident.

Okay, maybe I've drifted off topic a bit, so let's get back to it. Why am I here? I'm here to serve and love God well in whatever I'm doing, live a joyful life wherever I end up, and make prayerful decisions within the will of God. I've been gifted to care for and love others; to share the beauty of music; to write; to play; to be adventurous, bold, and enthusiastic... I'm here to make an impact where I am in the name of Jesus.

I am curious, though...why are you here?