I think my Seasonal Affective Disorder is kicking in early this year. It has been something like a week since I have seen the sun, and I'm starting to get stir crazy. I want to be outside, playing. But alas, it rains again, and I'm stuck in my pseudo-cubical "working." Maybe Saturday it will be dry enough to get outside for a few minutes.
It'll be a long winter if my SAD is kicking in in the summer. ;)
Friday, August 24, 2007
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Serious Post to Follow
Sorry for the serious post to follow. My most recent postings have been light and fun, but I had something I needed to get down on "paper" and out of my heart.
So, this is a quick forewarning about what's to come. It's serious, reflective, and personal. But I don't feel any shame in sharing it with you.
So, this is a quick forewarning about what's to come. It's serious, reflective, and personal. But I don't feel any shame in sharing it with you.
Solace in Only the Keyboard
I can't say I'm quite sure what has come over me lately. At the very time that I should be full and contented, I find myself distant, quiet, empty. After two weeks of being filled up by the wonders of family time and outdoor time, two of my most favorite times, I should be abounding with some crazy hyped up joy, but it's not there. This is not to say that I am feeling depressive or even sad. I'm not either of those things. Is it the pangs of lonesomeness? I don't feel lonely. Is it sheer exhaustion? I just don't feel tired.
I just feel quiet. And maybe that's not such a bad thing overall. There are always lessons to be learned, or being learned in the stillness. One thing I do feel is the need to learn, to dive deep into His word. I feel it, but strangely, there is no motivation to act. A paradox, I suppose. And a frustrating situation to be in: to crave what's ahead but refuse to move forward. Where does that leave me? Quiet.
What is next for me to learn? Leadership? Humbleness? Weakness? Brokenness? Joy? Do I need to understand more of God's holiness? Or the breadth of his majesty? I feel so insignificant and small to try to comprehend any of it. Where has my boldness in Christ gone? I feel so timid.
So for tonight, I sit in silence. TV off. Lights dim. Listening. Wondering what God will tell me, what could be in store.
I suppose as you read this (whomever decides it may be a worthwhile endeavor) you may be inclined to worry about me, assume I am in a negative, hurtful, even wrong spot in life. But don't worry for me because I am not sad. Not lonely, not afraid, not hurt. Simply quiet. Tomorrow could reveal a different heart inside me, one of joy, boldness, literally full of song....or you may find me quiet, just as today. But know that I am held by Christ, loved deeply. And one of these days the motivation will come. The quietness will go. And I will have taken another turn on the Potter's wheel, becoming more of who I was meant to be.
I just feel quiet. And maybe that's not such a bad thing overall. There are always lessons to be learned, or being learned in the stillness. One thing I do feel is the need to learn, to dive deep into His word. I feel it, but strangely, there is no motivation to act. A paradox, I suppose. And a frustrating situation to be in: to crave what's ahead but refuse to move forward. Where does that leave me? Quiet.
What is next for me to learn? Leadership? Humbleness? Weakness? Brokenness? Joy? Do I need to understand more of God's holiness? Or the breadth of his majesty? I feel so insignificant and small to try to comprehend any of it. Where has my boldness in Christ gone? I feel so timid.
So for tonight, I sit in silence. TV off. Lights dim. Listening. Wondering what God will tell me, what could be in store.
I suppose as you read this (whomever decides it may be a worthwhile endeavor) you may be inclined to worry about me, assume I am in a negative, hurtful, even wrong spot in life. But don't worry for me because I am not sad. Not lonely, not afraid, not hurt. Simply quiet. Tomorrow could reveal a different heart inside me, one of joy, boldness, literally full of song....or you may find me quiet, just as today. But know that I am held by Christ, loved deeply. And one of these days the motivation will come. The quietness will go. And I will have taken another turn on the Potter's wheel, becoming more of who I was meant to be.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Trips!
Boy has it been a whirlwind of a past few weeks. Life was supposed to slow down for me, and in a way it did, but I sure am exhausted either way.
I just got back from Wyoming Saturday. But before I discuss that trip, let's go back a little further. The week before last I was in sunny, beautiful Door County, Wisconsin with my mom. This was the first trip my mom and I had taken just the two of us, so neither of us were really sure what to expect. We ended up having a great time. We ate way too much food at very fun eateries and shopped at a lot of fun shops, spending way too much money overall. But, hey, isn't that what vacation is for? Watch for pictures coming soon.
And as for Wyoming...I love Wyoming. It is a very peaceful place. Well most of it is. I can't say I'd want to live there. Many people don't really take care of their homes and surrounding areas, making much of the inhabitable locations in the state look like dumps. But the Medicine Bow Mountains make up for the dumpy homesteads. We hiked three days, and managed to climb the highest peak in the range, topping out somewhere over 12,000 feet. We were tired and sunburned, but it was still so worth the work. Plans are in the works to tackle the tallest peaks in other ranges in future years, but we're no expert climbers by any means, so we may take it slow...right Dad? (He seems to think that we can tackle something over 14,000 feet....more than 20 miles of trail in a day...I'm not so sure.) But watch for pictures of this adventure coming soon too.
The most frightening and disheartening moments came long after both trips, on my way back home. Torrential rains hit northeast Iowa last night with thunder and lightning in magnificent (and somewhat pant-wetting) style. I debated whether to wait it out or race it home, but as it turns out, ended up doing neither. I hesitated and went back to my parents house on the first attempt when the rains first started coming. I knew if I couldn't see at 20 miles per hour, there would be no possibility at 70. After about a half hour of more rain, lightning, and thunder, I decided maybe I should just try to outrun it. (Not the best idea I've ever had, but I'm alive to tell about it.)
So I ended up taking off in the thick of the storm, and highway travel, usually hitting around 70 miles an hour, was creeping along at somewhere between 35 and 45. The lightning was blinding, brighter than daylight. The thunder shook my car. And the rain was arguably worse than white-out snow conditions. I had never really driven through anything like that before, and I couldn't decide whether to pull over and wait or keep trying to beat it. For about an hour and a half I fought it, reasoning that what was coming behind me had to be worse than what was still in front of me. But I made it. I'm a live. It was scary.
When I got home, there was more of the same. A backed up toilet that was nastier than nasty that I refused to use, a leaky window dripping water all over my bedroom, and three burned out light bulbs that I couldn't reach. Grumpily I crawled on to the couch and wrestled with the covers for the next few hours until it was time to get up and go back to work. Ugh. I'm just glad its all over.
Ah, but no rest for the weary. Tonight is volleyball. (My team rocks.) Thursday starts real work, and next week starts training for the fall. I need groceries, bathroom stuff, sleep. But you know what, it was so worth it.
Back to reality.
I just got back from Wyoming Saturday. But before I discuss that trip, let's go back a little further. The week before last I was in sunny, beautiful Door County, Wisconsin with my mom. This was the first trip my mom and I had taken just the two of us, so neither of us were really sure what to expect. We ended up having a great time. We ate way too much food at very fun eateries and shopped at a lot of fun shops, spending way too much money overall. But, hey, isn't that what vacation is for? Watch for pictures coming soon.
And as for Wyoming...I love Wyoming. It is a very peaceful place. Well most of it is. I can't say I'd want to live there. Many people don't really take care of their homes and surrounding areas, making much of the inhabitable locations in the state look like dumps. But the Medicine Bow Mountains make up for the dumpy homesteads. We hiked three days, and managed to climb the highest peak in the range, topping out somewhere over 12,000 feet. We were tired and sunburned, but it was still so worth the work. Plans are in the works to tackle the tallest peaks in other ranges in future years, but we're no expert climbers by any means, so we may take it slow...right Dad? (He seems to think that we can tackle something over 14,000 feet....more than 20 miles of trail in a day...I'm not so sure.) But watch for pictures of this adventure coming soon too.
The most frightening and disheartening moments came long after both trips, on my way back home. Torrential rains hit northeast Iowa last night with thunder and lightning in magnificent (and somewhat pant-wetting) style. I debated whether to wait it out or race it home, but as it turns out, ended up doing neither. I hesitated and went back to my parents house on the first attempt when the rains first started coming. I knew if I couldn't see at 20 miles per hour, there would be no possibility at 70. After about a half hour of more rain, lightning, and thunder, I decided maybe I should just try to outrun it. (Not the best idea I've ever had, but I'm alive to tell about it.)
So I ended up taking off in the thick of the storm, and highway travel, usually hitting around 70 miles an hour, was creeping along at somewhere between 35 and 45. The lightning was blinding, brighter than daylight. The thunder shook my car. And the rain was arguably worse than white-out snow conditions. I had never really driven through anything like that before, and I couldn't decide whether to pull over and wait or keep trying to beat it. For about an hour and a half I fought it, reasoning that what was coming behind me had to be worse than what was still in front of me. But I made it. I'm a live. It was scary.
When I got home, there was more of the same. A backed up toilet that was nastier than nasty that I refused to use, a leaky window dripping water all over my bedroom, and three burned out light bulbs that I couldn't reach. Grumpily I crawled on to the couch and wrestled with the covers for the next few hours until it was time to get up and go back to work. Ugh. I'm just glad its all over.
Ah, but no rest for the weary. Tonight is volleyball. (My team rocks.) Thursday starts real work, and next week starts training for the fall. I need groceries, bathroom stuff, sleep. But you know what, it was so worth it.
Back to reality.
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