Setups can be awkward.

Setups and awkward just go together. Even long before the official setting up takes place, there is a certain amount of awkward that takes place any time one of the setupee's gets brought up in conversation. And, since it seems to be the season to set Lindsey up with people (which I'm generally all for), there has been a fair amount of awkward floating around.

Before Christmas, a co-worker (who shall remain nameless) emailed me about some work related thing, but then mentioned in passing that she may bring her brother to the gala next year since he's such a great dancer...then proceeded to mention that he was single. This, of course, spawned a trail of emails about her brother between her and I, and frankly, by the end of it all he sounded pretty darn great. 

Today, she and I had a chance to catch up after the holidays, and we talked about all sorts of upcoming work things, and as she was heading out the door, I got up the guts to say, "So, what made you think to bring up your single brother to me in the first place?" "Well..." And then she proceeded to tell me all the great things about him (and he still sounded pretty great), but then she said, "But I'm afraid he's maybe too old for you." "How old?" "Well...40-some." "40-some? Or 40? There would be a pretty big difference for someone in their 20s." "I can't remember for sure...42 maybe?" Awkward pause. That would be, by far, the oldest guy I've ever gone out with. There's a good 15 years or maybe more between us....making him closer to my parents age than my own. It could be weird. It could be really weird. But it could be equally not so weird. I don't know. 

So, after some more talk of his life with several awkward pauses and no longer really looking each other in the eye so much, I asked a fairly critical question - was he even interested in being set up? She responded with an immediate yes, to which I asked, "By his sister?" Again, a pretty clear yes. I'm not sure I would put so much faith into my brother's set up choices, but maybe that's just me. 

After yet more awkward pausing...because really, at some point, what do you say in this type of situation? I wrapped up the whole awkward mess with, "Well, if it doesn't work, we all have a good laugh and move on, right?" I mean, I'd still have to work with the woman. "Right, right," she said as she moved closer to the door. But she left with full intention of making sure we met the next time he came to town. I hope he's into younger women.

So, after that fun little story, my question to my general viewing audience (parents excluded, as I already know exactly what you think of the situation), what do you think? Is 40-42 too old for me? Could we possibly have anything in common? Will it be weird? Am I too much of a kid at heart (or even just in reality) to date someone so much older than me? I am interested in hear opinions. 


Oh, a quick rundown of what I know about this 40-something mystery man: loves people, has worked for hospice, has MBA, currently has stable career, is a writer and has a background in theater, knows how to dance, is a great cook, has built homes in several Central/South American countries, has worked at summer camps for kids who have lost family members to cancer, has recently adopted a rescue dog, has never been married, has no kids, has "good hair"... Now, all I need to know is if he loves the Lord, attends church, doesn't smoke, and happens to like younger women.

Resolutions...or should I say, Resolutions?

I've never been one to make New Year's resolutions so much. As everyone claims this to be the year they lose 20 pounds, stop fighting with their little siblings, save more money, read more books...I often ponder just how many days it will take these people to break their promises to themselves yet again, and slink into the month of February with a real sense of New Year's letdown. Yeah, no thanks. 

However, there is a bit of a conundrum here for me. I am typically a pretty goal-oriented person, so it doesn't make a lot of sense that I wouldn't make new goals for a new year. But goals seems a lot like resolutions, don't they? Perhaps there is a way to set a few resolutions without clinging to them so tightly that disappointment remains inevitable when we slip up. Well, without further ado, here are my goals, desires, and yes, resolutions, for 2011, for whatever they're worth.

I want to be more kind, genuinely kind. I feel that it has become far to easy to walk by someone, even someone I know well, and just say, "How's it going?" And without even waiting for a response, keep on walking. I think it's easy for me to get frustrated with people, show it on my face, and act on it in my attitudes. I don't want to be fake. I don't want a plastered smile. I want my heart to be genuinely kind and loving to others. I want people to see me and feel a great capacity for love pouring out of me. How does one go about working on this, I wonder? The only great love worth emulating is the love of God, so I know that I need to chase Him, follow by His example, learn about Him more, and love Him more. 

I want to be more intentional with my friendships. It is so easy for me to fall into a pool of self-pity when the phone doesn't ring with weekend plans every Friday evening, when friends choose to do things with other friends... But maybe the problem is that I am not making the phone ring on the other end of the line suggesting weekend plans, or setting up dinner parties, or asking friends to come over for just some quality couch time together. I have great friends. I love them. But I rarely make an attempt to show them this in a real way. Not only do I want to be intentional with my time with my friends, I want to intentionally pray for them. Why do we only pray for each other when we have a great need like a sick child or an uneasy job situation? I want to share in my friends' joys and sorrows, lifting them up in prayer constantly. I want to learn from my friends. I have so many wise friends. I want to be able to say that maybe my friends learned a thing or two from me, too. I want no topic left unturned this year with my friends. I want to have more than just the "Hey, how's it going?" style conversations. I want to meet needs of friends rather than expecting them to meet my needs all of the time. I want to give of myself to my friends. I want to be intentional. 

I want to grow a masterful garden. Okay, so this one is not nearly as holy of an endeavor at first glance...but I want to grow a big garden full of veggies and fresh things far too big for me so that I can share it with neighbors and friends. Then I want to cook and create delicious things in my kitchen and share those things with neighbors and friends. It will be a great adventure in hard work, dirty fingernails, and experiencing the joy of sharing. 

There are so many other things that I would love to see happen in 2011. Read more books. Save more money. Get to know my brother better. Climb to 14,000 feet again. Meet my husband. Laugh more. Try new foods. Experience daily adventures. Get into grad school. Exceed work goals. Exercise a little. Travel more. Enjoy my sun porch. Dress my age. Sing from my heart. 

Ready or not, 2011.

A Year in Reivew: 2010

Another year. Where does the time go? I know I say this every year, but the older I get, the faster the years seem to go. After vows to myself to not let time fly me in a blur, it once again, certainly has. But this year has not been without its enjoyments and excitements, which far outweigh the disappointments and troubles.

I'm working my way through my third year at UD this year, and come July 1, as has been custom the past two years, I will celebrate surviving the work. And this year, the celebration will be big because I will have made it to the typical burn-out mark with no real sign of slowing down. Now don't get me wrong. Survival has not been the exclusive mode of work for me, as I'm still finding myself in love with my work, students, and colleagues and still very much view the whole deal as my very purpose in life. The next few semesters may take a slightly different shape as I have resigned from all adjunct work for the foreseeable future. I have enjoyed my semesters in the classroom teaching a class on citizenship and vocation as well as a first-year reading and study skills course, but they have been time consuming and draining, and I'm happy for the break.

I haven't given it up in vain, however, as I have plans for all of my new found "free time". I'm currently working on my application to Edgewood College for their doctoral program in educational leadership. This is a decision that I've been working on for over a year now, and it has not been an easy one. I'll be sure to post my letter of intent for the program as soon as I have it complete because I think it best sums up the reasons I finally decided to apply.

In my non-work life, I spent some time dating a very nice man living in Germany. We were set up by a dear friend, and we had a very enjoyable three weekends together and something like four or five months on the phone and email doing the long-distance thing. We talked some of the long-term and even marriage, a first for me, and although it didn't work out in the end, I don't regret our time together. I learned a lot about myself and how I interact with others. I continue to pray diligently for my future husband, whoever and wherever he may be.

Probably the most exciting part of the past year was the amount of work God's been doing on my heart. I've written many posts about bitterness, grace, gratitude, forgiveness, love, patience...I've poured into books, the Bible, mentors, and I feel that for the first time in years, I have truly grown and matured. And although I still have struggles (see the previous post as the most recent blatant example), looking ahead, I feel content in the Lord. I know there's great plan that my life fits into, and I want more than anything else to glorify God by living into that plan to the best of my ability...serving with my gifts and talents, honoring those around me, and loving God and people. I can honestly look ahead and say that I'm ready for God to blow my mind with His plan which is far bigger than my imagination can even fathom. Yeah, that's definitely the most exciting part of this past year.

As I look ahead to 2011, I am excited to see what God brings...not only to my life, but the lives of family and friends around me. He is such an amazing God. Happy New Year everyone!

It's in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone. (Eph. 1:11, Msg)

Another Single Christmas

"So, Lindsey...what's going on with you? Are you dating anyone these days?" Kathy asked while a big group of us sat around the table. We'd all had a little to drink which seems to make everyone a little more honest. "No, I'm not dating anyone," I replied with a smile. "Well, what is up with that?" she asked, somewhat jokingly. "What is up with that?" I responded, quite a bit less jokingly. And that opened up the usual line of questioning about what type of guy I liked, what I was looking for in a man, if I was okay with being set up...

After the service in the fellowship hall of my parents' church, Tracy walked by with her new baby boy. A kindhearted old man walked up to my mother and asked, "And when exactly will you get to brag over your grandchildren?" I'm standing right here, I thought to myself as my mom politely laughed and said she was probably still a few years off. Yeah.

"Well, it's either you or you next," Aunt Joan said as we all gathered in the kitchen for Christmas. "For what?" I asked. "To get married. It's either you or your cousin Ryan...although your cousin Jordan has been dating the same guy for a while..." How could I have forgotten?

Going back home, especially for the holidays, seems to get a little tougher every year. The realization that, yes, I'm still single, and no I don't have any babies yet, gets more obvious for me and more astounding for everyone else as each year goes by. After twenty seven Christmases of me having no significant others coming home with me, you'd think it would be somewhat less surprising for people. I know everyone means well, but they forget that as long as the journey has seemed for them watching me live this predominantly single life, it has been eternally longer for me.

I hate to think of anything else but Jesus' birth around Christmas time. But it seems this year, as in the past few years, that others aren't going to make it easy for me as I'm forced to remember just how single and just how childless I am again and again. Sigh. There's always next year, right?

Undeserved Thanks

Lately I've been struggling with how to best use my gifts...or perhaps when and where to use them and when and where not to use them. It seems like a silly struggle, doesn't it? But this past semester at work, it has seemed that my gifts and abilities are in high demand. That's not to say I've overly gifted in every way...how laughable. No, it's just to say that there are a few particular gifts that I have (organization of massive amounts of tiny obnoxious details, for instance) that everyone seems to want or need a piece of for numerous projects and initiatives. 

Today, I got an email thank-you from a co-director of a committee I'm on, and it made me feel terrible. He thanked me for my generous sharing of my gifts for our project, but I have been anything but generous. In fact, I've been downright stingy. I've been crabby, impatient, stressed, and whiny. I've complained about not being paid or paid enough, and more than once I've touted that certainly I am the only one who could do what I did for the committee. 

And now, with kind words of thanks in front of me, I feel like a sleaze. How could I act like that to a group of people that asked for the use of my gifts and to whom I accepted the challenge? When I signed on, I felt like the group really needed me, and I, frankly, wanted to use my gifts for them and for the project, but now I nearly resent the opportunity. 

But where is the line? Where is the line between wanting to use my gifts and abilities and not wanting to be taken advantage of? Perhaps I'm a little jaded, knowing that as a single woman, I am probably taken advantage of with expectations that I'll just be there for evening and weekend activities... Those who know me well often ask why I don't just say no when asked to help with projects. And frankly, I don't know...probably because I struggle so much with knowing how much is too much, where to draw the line. I want people to know that my services are not on sale. I'm not the bargain basement of miscellaneous services. I have value, a high value in fact, that I feel is rarely represented monetarily. But on the flip side, I don't want to be stingy with my gifts and abilities. I want to share them where I should for God's purpose. 

So there you have it. A single undeserved thank-you note has sent my head spinning as to how in the world I'm supposed to negotiate and navigate my own gifts and abilities. Any suggestions on how to sort it all out?

Generational Leap

"Well, that's it. There's no safety net left." I heard my dad stating this at some point this weekend as we shuffled from visitation to funeral to Sunday church together after the passing of the last of my parents' parents. In a single day, an entire generation was launched ahead from kids to adults, and consequently, so moved all of the subsequent generations. My parents became the trunk of the family tree, and I went from being a part of generation child to generation adult officially. Now perhaps, for my cousins this generational leap was not so much of a system shock as they are a few years older, married with kids and such. Maybe they already felt somewhat officially like adults. Despite my establishment in a career, home-ownership, etc., I still very much feel like a kid playing in a grown up's world.

With the generational leap comes a whole new set of things to think about. Even though I am, in theory, far from having to deal with a parental death, discussions have already begun about business owning and selling, being aware of where all financial records are stored, who to call first to deal with all of the legal issues of death. And although I was curious, I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to think about it. Because even though officially, I have lept from generation child to generation adult, I am not ready for what responsibilities come with the leap.

It's strange feeling to suddenly be no one's grandchild. Part of me still longs for the security that comes with being part of the kids group. But the generational leap is inevitable. It's part of life. So much of my grieving process this weekend was not even about my grandma (although I will, of course, miss her terribly), but it was more about facing up to the fact that life and growing up and growing old are things that are just happening, and frankly, I am struggling with how to accept it all.

How did this happen? When did we suddenly grow up? One minute we're all tying the littlest family member up with jump ropes and playing kick the can or annie-annie-over, and then next we're paying mortgages, drinking coffee, and asking for weed-eaters for our birthdays.

Family Like This

This weekend has been full of family...way more full of family than I could have anticipated. I talked with a friend on Monday about the upcoming weekend and the traditions of the immediate family for Thanksgiving and in preparation for Christmas. I told her that as much as I loved my family, it was somewhat hard to be home. I find myself falling into old habits of childhood far too quickly...laundry on the floor, not making the bed... It doesn't take too many days, and I find myself longing for the regularity and routine of my own home. I love my family, but we're still trying to figure out the whole adult-child/parent relationship. It's gotten tons better, but it's something that we'll always work on. 

But with my grandma's passing this week, the entire extended weekend became an extended family filled weekend. Thanksgiving on Thursday, visitation on Friday followed by dinner out with cousins, funeral today that will be followed by a birthday party tonight, and then church and lunch tomorrow. Despite all the family time, today I don't find myself longing for the peace and quiet of my own home. In fact, I don't want to miss out on any family time. It took a while for me to warm up to the idea, but now, all I want to do is stick around. 

My grandparents spent so much time with their siblings that the value and importance of family was ingrained into successive generations' genetics. And I realized as I looked around at all of the family at the funeral today, that very few people today get to experience family the way I have. I know my great aunts and uncles. I know many of my second and third cousins. I know all of my cousins, where they are, their childrens' names... And although every family looks around at their extended family members and comment, "Well, that's a strange lot there," or "They've got their fair share of issues," well, so what. Family is family, is it not? As I ate lunch today with a whole room full of family, I couldn't help be smile as I realized how very lucky I was to know and love so very many of my family. I have taken their presence for granted for far too long. 

So, today, I made it a point to talk to all my dad's cousins, to the great aunts and uncles, to the random third cousins I have seen once a year or so for my whole life but never really knew all that well. I left the church with a pocket full of email addresses, phone numbers, and promises to friend them on Facebook. Because as we lose the rocks of the family, the trunks of our immense family trees, it becomes our responsibility, those of us way out on the farthest branches, to come together, to stay together, to learn about each other, and to make sure that we always love each other. Our ancestors would have wanted it that way.

Grandma Konken

There are many things that I never knew about my grandma until this weekend. I never knew that she worked at the Stout Post Office, grocery store, and several other jobs in Stout. I never knew her middle name (Arlene). I never knew how adorably in love she was with her "honey" through the ages. I certainly never knew how prolifically she wrote in journals. This, out of all the new things I learned about my grandma, was one of the most touching to me...as I sit down to write in my own journal of little thoughts. She wrote about the weather, about who visited when, about what she cleaned or took care of around the house. But every once in a while, a story would grace the pages of her journals, a story of a trip her and Grandpa took together, or a poem that she jotted down, or a prayer. 

A few years back, I gave her a journal for Christmas, not recognizing the significance of the gift at the time. And although she only wrote a few pages over the years, she wrote them to my brother and me. Her thoughts wandered from the events of each day to stories of when we were little to stories of when she was little. Perhaps it is true that the apples and grand-apples don't fall all that far from the tree. 

But there were several things that I was pretty sure of when it came to my grandma. I'm pretty sure she used to curse at me in German. I don't recall her ever once cursing in English, but there's one German word I recall from childhood that I am quite sure she only used in frustration or in jest. I'm sure she was a woman that knew how to speak her mind. She was not a wall flower or a push over. If she had something to say, well, she just said it. 

And I know fore sure that she knew something that perhaps we, as her decedents, may only be slightly aware of now. She knew that food was something much more than what we eat. It is somehow a small window into peoples' lives. In fact, I'm quite sure that she knew that by feeding peoples' stomachs, she could also feed their souls. Sunday lunches after church were never just an excuse to eat. They were special family moments that are now ingrained into each of our hearts. The recipes she made are each tied to memories that we all made together. 

So, today, as we all reminisce about the broccoli-ham casserole, pea soup, and custard in the fancy dishes, we're really thinking of the funny or matter-of-fact things Grandma said, the memories we all made, the strength that lies in family, and how very much each of us were loved...something she never let us forget.

A Legitimately Good Day

Do you ever have a legitimately good day? One where everything is going better than you thought, the phone doesn't ring (unless you want it to), your inbox isn't swamped (for once), and all the answers to your questions come back just as you were hoping they might? Well, they don't happen all that often for me. I mean, I have good days, but today was just a down right great day. Usually in my world, it's sink or swim, oh yeah, and fight the current while you're out there in the deep. Today was like chillin' in the Dead Sea - no work, no waves, just floating along happily, everything going right. 

Yesterday, I remembered to put the trash on the curb. Today, I went to work, and I even arrived a few minutes earlier than my usual. I received free biscotti from a colleague who fresh baked it. I went to a meeting that I had very low expectations for only to be blown away by an almost too-good response from all the attendees. The words, "Seriously? No questions?" came out of my mouth more than once. I got back to my office to find only one new voicemail that I didn't have to return as well as a few emails that I had been waiting on with the responses I was looking for. I got a free lunch.

After that, all I wanted was to get away from the office, despite how great it had treated me all morning. I just figured that the longer I stayed, the higher the probability that the day would somehow come crashing down in flames. So, I emailed a friend as a long shot to see if she wanted to play...which she checked almost immediately and called me within a few minutes. We promptly decided to go see a movie (why not?) and then I stayed to help make and consume a delicious meal. Oh, and then on the way home, a good old friend called to tell me she had just been proposed to. 

Why am I telling you all of this, you wonder? Well, I'm not sure. It's just something to rejoice over I suppose. And in our busy lives, how often do we take the time to just enjoy a great day? How often do we stop to think of how very good we have it?

Today I am reminded of how very blessed I am, how thankful I am for all I've been given. And looking back on today full of laughter, squeals of delight, even an actual physical jump for joy, all I want to do is give all of it back to God in an act of worship. I know He delighted in my heart being glad. And I delight in Him, from who all good things come.

Slow to Anger

Lately, I've found myself getting cranky quite a bit. Usually it's directed toward someone or something that I don't see being done "right" so I consider it some sort of righteous anger. You know, as if I'm on some holier than thou kick, believing that when I do things, they're done "right" and when people don't do them like I would, they're most certainly "wrong." 

So, tonight after a seemingly "wrong" going meeting, I came home cranky but decided to search "slow to anger" into the biblegateway.com search engine. I got nine old testament passages with the exact phrase "slow to anger." All but one said exactly the same phrase after it too: "..and abounding in love..." 

I got to thinking, I bet God looks at earth and his people and thinks, "I think you're going about that in the wrong way," all the time. How many times do I deserve a cranky God looking at me, shaking His head. How many times have I gone about things in my own way, even sometimes knowing that His way will undoubtedly be better, but choosing the wrong way anyway. And yet, God doesn't fly off the handle, He doesn't throw his hands in the air, complain about me and my choices, He doesn't take things away from me when I don't do them just right. Why not? Because He is abounding in love. And being full of love, He wants me to learn and grow. How do I do that? Sometimes by doing things the wrong way. 

So, how do I implement this in my own life? How do I cool it and stop being so darn cranky at all those people doing things the wrong way? Well, the only thing I can figure is just love them more, be downright overflowing with love. How can I get so mad at the people that I love so much? They're trying their best, just like I am. And getting mad just freaks people out, shuts people down, hurts people. So, I pray for the capacity to love people more as I try to model after God, being slow to anger and full of love.

Growing Gratitude

I just got home, and I must confess, I had to convince myself that it still indeed is Wednesday night. It feels like somewhere around next Tuesday. 

But I stayed late at work tonight for a great purpose, and I took a thing or two away from the evening to boot. The Wendt Scholars decided to show the movie The Blind Side as a part of Gratitude Week. I was asked to lead discussion, and I left it pretty loose, not really sure what specifically we were going to talk about. As I listened to students discuss the movie, I viewed some of the scenes in a brand new way. 

Gratitude, as shown in The Blind Side, is something that grows between individuals. I would go so far as to say, it can be taught. One of the most telling scenes in the movie is on Thanksgiving Day. The family dives into a store-bought Thanksgiving meal and promptly plops in front of the TV for a day of football. Michael quietly fills his plate and takes his place at the dining room table. He is grateful for the meal, the shelter, and all that the family has shared with him. The family, taking for granted the day as a vacation day to enjoy in front of the tube, suddenly notices his place at the table and go to join him. In that moment, you can feel the family realizing how much they have been given, learning from Michael how to express in a heartfelt way, their gratitude. His gratitude changed their lives. 

This knew found knowledge gives me something to chew on. The mere act of expressing gratitude can change others' lives. It can grow in someone else's heart. It can rub off on them. Doesn't this fact make you want to run out and share how grateful you are for the people, things, and circumstances of your life? It also makes me want to keep watch for how others express gratitude as to allow the attitude of thankfulness can grow and expand and rub off into my heart. This gratitude thing is more than just a little bit of giving thanks. It's a condition of the heart to be shared, grown, expanded, and lived into.

Letting God Blow my Mind

Over the past year or so, I have tossed around (although usually flippantly) the idea of going back to school for a terminal degree. About a year ago, after talking to a few informal professional mentors, mainly in the faculty world, I had come to the conclusion that it made absolutely no sense for me to go back to school, fall into near unrecoverable debt, and lose any shred of sanity I may have had. I would be able to do what I was made to do based on life experience and a great reputation. It's more than idealistic to think that to be the truth...it's naive.

But as I discovered this naivety, my motives began to contort and shift, making me want grad school even less. I started out with the mindset that I had some sort of obligation to others to go back to school. My boss, mentors, people I looked up to, people who might look up to me...they said I should. But all the reasons that I ought to go back to school made the very idea of it start to taste bitter in my mouth...as if they were making me do it. 

At the same time that the ought-to's were sneaking up on me, making the idea seem worse and worse, God was working to show me a different perspective. A month ago or so, I received an article from a colleague about the holiness of education, seeking out knowledge about God's creation, about things that God has given me interest in. At the time, I didn't necessarily make a connection to my own education, but rather the value of assisting in the education of others. But pursuing education is honoring God with my mind. And doing what I'm made to do is also honoring to God; I'm offering him a gift, one that originally came from Him and is best used only with His help. And in my line of work, doing what I'm made to do, to my very best ability, will require a higher degree of education. So then, it's not out of an ought-to attitude that I feel compelled to go back to school, it's an attitude of love, gratitude, and worship to God that makes me want to do it.

Since I received that article, I have had many conversations with mentors, friends, family, colleagues, and I have learned a lot about others' journeys, my own motives, things to think about as I move forward...but this morning, I heard what I will consider the final tipping point of the motive scale from the very end of the church service. Pastor Ken asked, "Are you ready for God to blow your mind away?" This question was in reference to John 14:12: "Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father." Ken continued with an illustration of the chance to play volleyball anywhere in the world, something he felt he was built to do, but ended up playing college football instead. He built a wall of excuses out of fear and doubt. The question of really wanting to see what God has in store for us (things that are greater than the works of Jesus!) can be a scary thing. What if I screw it all up? What if I can't do the great things in store for me? What if God doesn't really have great things in store for me? Sometimes, it can be easier to build excuses to avoid all these what-ifs.

Well, this morning, I knew that I didn't have any excuses left. I don't want to build a wall of fear and doubt. I want to see what God can do with my life. I'm ready for Him to blow my mind. So, I'm headed to grad school. I don't know where, when, or how just yet, but I do know I'm going...not because I ought to or feel obligated to...because I want to, I can't not do it. The Father calls me to it. And I'm ready for my mind to be blown.

Little Moments

I have a particularly favorite moment of almost every work day. In the morning, when I finally drag my rear out of the house and onto campus (somewhere around 8:30 or so), I park in my usual spot half way across campus, and I walk to the east to get to my office. 

I walk across the campus quad, into the sunrise, in complete silence, with no one else around. There is something very serene about walking directly into the rising sunlight every morning. Some days, I end up walking so slowly, any onlookers there might be probably assume there's something wrong. I don't care. I'm consumed by the moment. It's a daily reminder of how amazing, how comforting, how beautiful our God is. It's quiet, peaceful, calming, stunning... I can't think of a better way to start each day than time spent walking with God on the quad of the place that my heart loves so much.

Enjoy today, everyone!

Humbled

Nothing else quite matches the feeling. I'm sitting in front of my laptop with a bowl of chili in hand, writing some silly blog about my current lifestyle. And then the phone rings. I don't recognize the number, but I answer anyway. "Lindsey, it's Amy. Are you coming to our meeting?" I glance at the clock. The meeting started fifteen minutes ago. In Platteville. I will be 45 minutes late...at best. I'm the chair of the committee.

I feel like crying. Like spitting. I hate screwing up. I hate being reminded of my own limitations. 

Oh, the gracious women of that committee. They smiled, continued on with their meeting, got a ton of business done. Stupid me for being so cocky that this little committee at church would be easy. That it would be no big deal. 

So, now that I'm decently humbled, I am back in front of my laptop, back at the dining room table, taking deep breaths to somehow get over myself and move on with the projects intended for this evening. First on the agenda? Updating my calendars. Sigh.

Privileges of Living Alone

Tonight, I find myself appreciating the many privileges of living alone. It's not often I sit back just to take them all in at once, but over the past few days, I have enjoyed many unique privileges, and I thought I should share a few with you. 

On Monday night, I made about a hundred cookies...and apple crisp...and dinner. I proceeded to leave the entire baking mess on the counter until Wednesday evening. There were oatmeal bits on the floor, flour on the counter, sticky appley finger prints all over everything. Waxed paper was strewn about. Bowls left on the counter. I feel no guilt for this. 

I have been caught with teeth marks in solid blocks of cheese in my refrigerator. But I ask you, why dirty a knife and cutting board if you know that you'll be the only one to ever consume that block of cheese? 

Three different light bulbs are burned out in my house right now. I will eventually replace them, but for now, I'm not particularly bothered. I, after all, know how many stairs are in the stairwell and exactly where the extra toilet paper is in the linen closet.

As I gaze around my bathroom, there is a smudge of toothpaste in the sink, mascara mysteriously on the mirror, the trash overfloweth, and my hair is on nearly every surface you can see. I am planning to clean it up, but I can't say it's bothered me that I haven't before tonight. 

Tonight, I used four different spoons for dinner and dessert. I have plenty. And they wash right up. And I can smirk a little as I take another bite off the the end of my brick of muenster cheese, drink milk out of the carton, use my forth dinner spoon to eat directly out of the ice cream container. These are all privileges that I have come to love about living alone. 

The only flaw in all of this privilege? Surprise guests. It's happened before, and it will undoubtedly happen again, that someone will ring the doorbell on a Saturday morning, as I'm in my PJs, tackling the giant pile of laundry in the middle of the living room. But you know what? I'm pretty okay with it. It's life. Real. Messy. Ridiculous. And it's a privilege to be able to enjoy all that I have been given.

Stones Cry Out

Moses stood in the middle of an open field, doing all of his shepherdly duties for his family, minding his own business, and if he was anything like me, he was most likely knee deep in a daydream about life, when out of the blue, a bush spontaneously combusted. I imagine Moses to gasp, wondering what in the world was going on. Wouldn't you? And as he walked a bit closer to see the strange sight of a bush burning but not burning up, he heard God's very voice instruct him to remove his shoes, as he was standing on holy ground in the very presence of God.

In chapel last week, the musical worship leader expressed eloquently the idea that we are standing on holy ground, too. She even went so far as to have us all remove our shoes as Moses had done. We were not in the presence of a burning-but-not-burning-up bush, but we were indeed in God's presence. Matthew 18:20 reminds us that where a few are gathered, God's presence is there. And in Psalm 19, David passionately shares that God's glory is not only expressed where people are, but all of creation is shouting praises, singing songs, glorifying God in ways that transcend language and human expression.

Jesus reiterates this in Luke 19:40. He looks Pharisees square in the eye and tells them that if people keep quiet, even the stones will cry out to God. Stones. They are not even alive, but yet they can scream out the glory of God. The last thing I want is for rocks to cry out when I don't. I want to make sure that I am always crying out, just oozing with worship to God, that everything I do needs to bring glory to Him. What would life look like if everything I did, everything I said, was truly in worship of God?

Lenses and Focus: Follow Up

Seriously, God is so very amazing. I had no more than hit "publish" to post the Lenses and Focus post on joy and delight, and Jim started preaching in chapel on the very same topic. God delights in us and we are to delight in Him. I could not stop smiling; tears welled up in my eyes. I worshiped God like I haven't in a while. God is so full of surprises, and I do indeed delight in Him!

Lenses and Focus

As of late, I have been in a fairly serious state. My mind and heart have been somewhat burdened with the happenings of UD that have been fostered by my desire to do well by Jesus and this place. And although the responsibilities I have been entrusted are indeed serious, weighty, significant, I have allowed myself to get bogged down with details, the affairs of others, and injustices that fall far outside of my control. 

What is the result of all of this bogging and weight? Well, my passions have certainly not been diminished. In fact, I feel like many of my emotions toward specific individuals on this campus and certain circumstances are driven by the very passion that wells in my heart, something that resides there in inexplicable levels all of the time. But something that has been sacrificed in the process of allowing myself to be bogged down is the joy that used to be a byproduct of my passion. Now it seems that instead, my passion is producing fire, maybe even fury. And frankly, it's exhausting.

In church on Sunday, Pastor Ken closed his sermon by reading Psalm 37:4 - "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." And it struck me in that moment that I had always heard that verse completely wrong. How I remembered and interpreted the verse was, "The Lord will give you the desires of your heart." Ha. Really for the first time on Sunday I heard the verse for what it was, and it sounded more like, "Delight yourself in the Lord." Suddenly, the desires of my heart became much, much less significant. The command here is to delight, to take joy in the Lord. Not delight when you have the desires of your heart, not delight when you feel like it. Delight. Take pleasure. Have joy. The desires of my heart will follow undoubtedly because as I take delight in my Lord, my heart aligns with his heart, my desires with his. It's not the desires I should be focusing on, it's Jesus. 

So, a change in focus needs to take place. Or maybe just a refocusing. I need to be absolutely sure that my focus is only set on one thing - my Jesus. It's so easy to get sidetracked and focus on all sorts of other things, people, circumstances, injustice, unfairness, hurt, messes...but amidst it all, I need to maintain focus on Jesus. But even if my focus is on him, the lenses that I use to see and focus in could still be off. I feel, honestly, like lately I have had my focus on Jesus, but the lenses that I was looking through were righteous (and perhaps a good dose of unrighteous) anger, frustration. I was weighed down by the desire for everyone to be better people, to work harder, to grow up. Those were the lenses I was looking through. But Jesus commands us to be joyful, to take delight, more than once. 

Philippians 4:4 - "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!" 

Luke 6:23 - "Rejoice in that day and leap for joy, because great is your reward in heaven." 

1 Peter 4:13 - "But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed."

My focus is set squarely on my Jesus, and I look to him through the lenses of joy. Just like 3D glasses change the appearance of the movie screen, so does joy change the appearance of every circumstance, encounter, individual. It's time to obey the command and take joy, to delight in the Lord.

Buried but not Bothered

It's Homecoming Week around here which generally means one thing for me - I'm completely buried in projects, tasks, and requests. My voicemail light has not stopped blinking despite my many glances of disdain in its direction. I have a huge list of people I have to call already. I don't want to know what's still on the machine. My email inbox currently contains 229 items and is steadily increasing by the minute. I have salad dressing spilled on a pile of parade applications, coffee dripped on a pile of position descriptions. I have piled piles of things on top of other piles of things. There's a poster on my floor that my desk chair continually rolls over each time I have to get up. I am awaiting essential responses from people that without, I can not move forward on a project that is due at 9:30 pm tonight. And that's just the Homecoming work! I have proposals, course preparations, quizzes and papers, student employment, organizational constitutions, a giant mess of a budget, a book club reading assignment...And that's just work! Then there's that church committee that has fallen behind that I volunteered to lead, my poor neglected house plants, that book I started a few weeks ago... 

Do you know what really astounds me about all of this? I am not bothered by that daunting list in the least. It doesn't even shake me. Is it a lot to do? Certainly! Is it too much to do? More than likely! Will I work hard to complete all of it anyway? Absolutely! 

This gets me thinking, first, What kind of crazed maniac am I? I mean, really. Who puts themselves through this sort of jumbled mess of a life? Who would want to? And who could actually remain calm about all such things? 

But then I think, Me. And the response comes with not a tone of contention but an attitude of joy. How is that possible, you may ask. Certainly, I have no earthly idea. But it's absolutely true. My life doesn't feel like a struggle; it feels like a party! My life is not chaotic or messy; it's well lived in. Well lived in. I like the sound of that. It's a phrase that comes to mind when we walk into a family's home where there are toys all over the floor, dishes in the sink, flour on the counter...to some it may look like a disaster, but to that family, those things might just represent one of the best days ever. All of the mess surrounding me are like crazy good memories or reminders of things that have happened, are happening, or will happen. It's not daunting, it's exciting. Energizing even. 

The only explanation I can even think of to explain any of this is that I have a wonderful and mighty Creator. He wired to me love this, to take joy in it. When I'm living as He created me to be, I won't be tired (okay maybe, but in that great, I-just-got-home-from-vacation-tired way), I won't be worried, I won't be shaken. 

Over the last week or so, I have explored two scriptures that are really sticking to my ribs right now: Matthew 28:14-30 and Proverbs 31. In the first, we are reminded that we have responsibilities based on our God-given abilities that we should desire to use in the best ways we can. It makes our Master happy. In the second, we are shown an example of a woman using her God-given gifts and abilities to her very best, and she is called noble. I am this woman. I am the servant given much. I desire to serve God to the very best of my ability in the very ways He has designed for me. It may give my life that well-lived-in look, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Thoughts on the Proverbs 31 Woman

I should be grading papers...

I've been giving some thought to the noble woman described in Proverbs 31 lately. It seems to me to be pretty radical for the time it was written and radical in comparison to other biblical passages on marriage and women. Some of this chapter actually makes me grin - what a woman! She feeds her family (well), clothes them and keeps them comfortable, earns good money, buys and sells wisely and at her own discretion, is physically strong, manages all of the affairs of the household...

But the line that catches me tonight is verse 25: "She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come." What a cool woman. She laughs at the days to come. Why? She is completely certain in her God that sustains her in all of her efforts. She knows that she and her family are protected, cared for, provided for. She is not cowering in fear at what might happen in the future - she looks up, cracks a smile, and laughs. 

Now, I have seen this passage before today. I've read it plenty of times. Most of the times I've read it, I've been discouraged or even a little mocking of her. Who could possibly be all of these things? This is not real life. But lately, I've been reading it with new eyes - knowing that these traits are noble and godly. And I've begun to resonate with this noble woman, desiring to be more like her, finding similarities to her. Look at all the things God has provided in my life - the skills to earn and use money wisely, a home to take care of, physical abilities to work on projects and passions... These gifts are from God, and I can use them to the glory of God.

So, let me look up, smile and even laugh at what is to come, knowing that God is in control of it all. And I am provided for, cared for, and protected by Him who loves me dearly.

A Passionate Fool: Following Up

If you've been tracking with my posts for the last few weeks, you most likely read my post on my lack of balance in my spiritual life. (If not, A Passionate Fool.) Well, since then, I've been asking God to provide me with knowledge of His heart from His Word. I told God I was thirsty, and He proceeded to offer me a drink...from the exposed and flowing end of a fire hydrant. To drown in God's love is a fascinating feeling. 

The past two Sundays at church, however, the message has been firmly planted in a singular and clear message: passion. Last week, I chuckled at the irony that God would choose to bring up the idea of passion in the midst of so many messages leading me to seek knowledge and wisdom. They just seem to fall on such polar ends of the spiritual spectrum. This week, hearing the message of passion a second time, I know I heard God loud and clear. 

Passion, you see, and knowledge, may be somewhat bipolar in nature, but they are not mutually exclusive. In fact, in my life, it seems, the two are directly proportionate. What I started with was passion, an intense love and desire to chase after Jesus, wherever He may go. I started to seek out knowledge and wisdom rather than just desire. I thought that search would yield, well, more knowledge and wisdom. What I've learned, however, is that what I have actually gained (besides added knowledge and wisdom), is even more passion. I didn't see that coming. It wasn't even in the sermons over the past few weeks. 

But here's what was in those sermons. Christians have tried to depassionize (sure, I can make up words like that) everything because passion is unpredictable, it's wild, it's dangerous. And our passions can indeed be misguided. Sinful nature is a powerful thing, and our desires for sinful things are strong. So, wanting to repress these desires in order to strive for holiness seems natural. But in the process, we've also repressed our godly passions, the ones inspired by the Holy Spirit living within us because no passion seems like a better option than the battle between good and bad passions. And when we repress God, when we tell Him to step back and stop inspiring passion in our lives, all we are left with is bad passion.

The very idea of passion comes from God. Without passion, there is no salvation. Without passion, Jesus would never have volunteered to come to earth as a baby, to heal the sick, to love the unlovable, to die on a cross. In gratitude, I can only, I must respond in passion, a passion that is directed by the Holy Spirit and instructed by the Word, an inextricably woven wonder.

Lots of Life!

Sometimes I wonder how many lives I've managed to live in my still-short life of nearly twenty seven years. Some days I feel so young and full of inexperience and wonder. Other days, I feel like I've lived to a great old age.

Tonight, the students of the University Program Council came over to my house for a movie night. I happily came home a bit early from work and anxiously prepared for their arrival, wondering who would come for sure and what time they would arrive. We all crowded into the kitchen, where everyone always seems to gather no matter how many other great rooms there are to hang out in. Then we packed around the dining room table sharing far too much Chinese food for dinner. Blankets and pillows and a host of furniture rearranging made it officially movie time, and I loved that everyone made themselves truly comfortable snuggled up on the couches and sprawled out on the floor, and lively conversation filled the room the instant the movie was over. 

I couldn't help but think that this must be what parents feel like when their grown kids come home for the holidays. My heart just smiled to watch my students enjoy themselves, relax, and laugh. And when they all finally filed out the door and to their cars, I happily turned around to survey the pleasant messes left behind...crumbs on the coffee tables, empty cans and cups on the counter, chairs and pillows not near where they once where. 

I feel like I've lived so very much life tonight, like a mother of grown children; I'm exhausted, content, and perfectly happy to clean up after kids that I've grown so very proud of.

To Be Given Much

Lately, I've been chewing on the ideas of what God gives us and what He expects of us. There's a parable in Matthew (Matthew 28:14-30) where a master gives one servant five talents, one two talents, and one one talent to take care of while he was gone. When he came back, the servant with five talents had doubled it and gave it all back to the master. The servant with two had also doubled it and gave it back to the master. The last servant buried the one talent he'd been given in the ground and upon the master's return, dug it back up and gave it to him. To the two who had been careful with the responsibility given to them, the master promised to place them in power over much. But the one who had only returned the one talent, the master called wicked, took away what little he had, and gave him the boot. 

So what does this mean for my life? How does this story apply? In the last few weeks, it seems that I have had quite a few people say in conversation something to the effect of, "I don't know how you keep it all straight," or "You make crazy chaos look easy." I usually just chuckle and go about my way, but when the comments come in droves, more than once a day, I have to start thinking that maybe there's something to it all. 

I feel that I have indeed been given much. Now, please don't misunderstand me to be saying, "Look at me and how great I am at everything! I'm so stinkin' cool!" That is absolutely not what I am saying. But I know my life is full. I recognize that God has given me gifts. Even just a quick glance at my life reveals that I have the ability to operate well in chaos, organize details, view the big picture, touch people with music...dig a little deeper and my heart reveals an ability to connect with people; to inspire, energize, excite people around me; dream beyond most people's limits...

My heart deeply desires to share these gifts with others, to offer them to God. So what's nagging me about this parable? What is it that I keep coming back to? I am offering enough? Am I choosing not to use some of my gifts? Am I trying to do too much, rendering myself fairly ineffective at everything? 

I've been given what I've been given not with the suggestion that I use it. No, it's an expectation. To chose not to use my gifts is a choice to avoid the responsibility God has given me. My gifts come with responsibilities. When I avoid responsibility, I am saying to God that I don't think I need to or should have to fulfill my responsibilities from Him. And I think that's a form of pride. But I could also use my gifts in ways that are not honoring to God or people. I could use them in ways that only further my own agendas, for my own glory. And that's pride, too, right? 

I'm sure this is post is just a rambling mess right now, but I have written, deleted, and rewritten this post so many times in the last few days, I just had to get something down and out of my head. Clearly, I still have much mulling to do on this passage in scripture and more listening to hear what God is trying to tell me through it.

On Forgiveness, Confession, and Growth

Because talking about one topic wouldn't seem like rambling enough...

Last night, for the first time, I publicly talked about my battle with bitterness toward my predecessor in a small group. The confession was a terrifying moment for me as I faced a group of students that may look up to me and follow my example. But I could not, in good faith, lead a discussion about forgiveness and keep my dark little secret to myself as if it didn't exist. It was a moment of vulnerability that God provided me the grace to make it through without completely losing it.

This act of confession somehow is changing my heart on the matter all together. I said my predecessor's name aloud tonight to the group. I said that I knew she must be a good person that does good things. I have not been able to do this since I started working at UD. I have humanized her again. She is not the memory that I've held hostage in my mind for so very long. It's as if the act of confession has tipped the scales, and now I can move toward the process of forgiveness. It will not be easy, but at least I've begun the journey.

Lately, as you may have noticed, I have been learning and growing at an incredible rate. As an outpouring of all that growth and learning, I have filled notebooks and blog posts and conversations...I suppose all in an attempt to have landing places for everything that doesn't fit inside my brain once it reaches maximum capacity. Someone noted last night that I appeared to be deeply saddened by something, but it wasn't moments later that I was nearly bursting at the seams with joy and excitement. And I suppose that's what growth looks like...sadness, joy, pain, excitement...all at once. Stretching and examining and being pulled and pushed isn't comfortable, and frankly it's a little messy. But the result is always good. So, stay tuned, as I would imagine that I have much growth to come...messy, painful, joyous, exciting growth.

Today's Lesson on Forgiveness

My lesson in forgiveness continues to serge ahead with what can only be divinely assigned lessons tailored for me this week. God continues to place the things I need to hear directly in my ears lately. Such a blessing!

This morning in chapel, we continued our journey though Ephesians. This week, we landed in chapter two...

"But now you have been united with Christ Jesus. Once you were far away from God, but now you have been brought near to him through the blood of Christ. For Christ himself has brought peace to us. He united Jews and Gentiles into one people when, in his own body on the cross, he broke down the wall of hostility that separated us. He did this by ending the system of law with its commandments and regulations. He made peace between Jews and Gentiles by creating in himself one new people from the two groups. Together as one body, Christ reconciled both groups to God by means of his death on the cross, and our hostility toward each other was put to death. He brought this Good News of peace to you Gentiles who were far away from him, and peace to the Jews who were near. Now all of us can come to the Father through the same Holy Spirit because of what Christ has done for us."

Okay, so this passage isn't about forgiveness, per se. But there is something key that I was furiously taking notes on throughout the twenty minute chapel service. The passage says that Christ reconciled the two groups together ending all hostility between the groups. Does this mean that the hostility instantly ceased around the world, and all was well from that moment on? Well, no. Christ declaring it so did indeed make it so, but it didn't make the process any less of a process. Christ has reconciled me to God by His death on the cross, but does that mean that I'm perfect now? No. I am being reconciled. I have been reconciled, and I am being reconciled. It is so, but it's still a process. 

Forgiveness is the same way. My declaring forgiveness to someone does indeed make it so, but does it remove the process of forgiveness from my heart? Does it mean that hard feelings, hurt, pain, and all the other emotions that go with trying to forgive someone just instantly disappear upon forgiving? Forgiveness is a process. It starts with being willing to forgive then being willing to work on forgiving.

This is such good stuff. God is so very good.

When God Does Math

Somewhere back in middle school math, or maybe even before, I learned how to add negative numbers together. And one of the first principles you learn when adding negative numbers together is that a negative plus a negative always results in a more negative number. -6 + -6 = -12. 

God's math, however, does not follow this principle. In fact, God's math seems to work in the opposite direction....at least when it comes to matters of the heart. Jesus tells us that the greatest commandment is to love God then the second is to love others. In the arithmetic of love, that's "give away love" plus "give away love" which seems pretty clearly to be two negative numbers to me. But somehow, this equation does not equal an empty heart. No, quite the opposite, in fact. If we give our love to God and give our love to others, somehow we end up with full hearts. Somehow. 

So often, I find myself searching to find love, to add a positive into this equation that doesn't make any sense. But the more love I seek out, the more I seem to need to find. Here, apparently positives yield a deficit. How can this be?

And this isn't the only math that doesn't add up the same in the world's math and God's math. Think about it. I have to be generous to receive much. I have to lose my life to find it. Die to myself to truly live. Be last to be first. None of this makes an iota of sense when using the world's math, but somehow God's math makes the worthless have worth. The slaves to sin completely free. The dead fully alive.

My brain desperately wants to understand this backwards math. I want to consume the whole textbook and ace the test, put it in its tidy little box, and move on to the next subject. But God's math when it comes to love is no more neat and tidy than the idea of His grace. There's no single word, phrase, acronym, or alliteration to sum it all up. 

All I can do is try my very best to learn the lessons God is trying to teach me every day, read the Textbook, and ask the Teacher lots of questions. And someday, it will all be made clear, all revealed to my heart.

Bitterness...The Battle Continues

Okay, so a few years back (has it been that long already?) I wrote a post about harboring bitterness. This was an issue that I was sure I could conquer quickly and move on from. I mean, I'm a good person who loves Jesus and wants to follow after Him. Surely some prayer and reflection would be enough to wipe out that little spec of dirty bad feelings. Well, over two years later, that bitterness that I swore to eliminate not only has not gone away, but it is seeming to spread. How can this be?

Bitterness is not like a shadow casting some little dark spot on your heart. Not like some flung dirt that requires only a napkin to clean up. No, bitterness is a highly corrosive acid eating away any surface it can get its hands on. What's the solution for a flesh eating predicament such as this? I can't think of any solution other than major surgery. 

So, what's the source of all of this bitterness anyway? Well, perhaps I should first ask where this bitterness is aimed. We'll maybe get back to the source later. As I undoubtedly have discussed before, when I started my job at UD, I began as an island with no bridges, no ports, no human contact of any kind. My predecessor had done her intentional best to destroy working relationships, burn bridges, leave smoldering piles of wreckage, and create sour attitudes in anyone within reach before she left. At least that's what it looked like and felt like to me and others I talked with and learned from when I first arrived. And whether the situation was or wasn't as it seemed, it greatly upset me....to the point that I could not say my predecessor's name aloud without getting fired up over her apparent negligence and poor choices. And truthfully, more that two years later, I still can't. I can't even say her name. And I have done my very best to hide away this corrosive little secret from everyone around me, keeping it tucked safely in the darkest corners of my heart that no one will ever see. Because one of my biggest fears in my work-life is that I would ever be seen as being anything like her. And the more this fear crept in, the deeper I tucked my bitterness, and the more it spread and corroded away. Like a lethal Chinese finger trap, the more I try to fight it, pulling one way in fear and the other in hatred, the tighter it gets, the more it traps.

So, out of this dark corner of my heart, lately I've been noticing bitterness coming up in other relationships that have nothing to do with my predecessor at all. And not only is it effecting particular situations or relationships, its effecting all of my relationships, and tainting how I deal with situations. That bitterness isn't staying put in that dark little corner. No, it's growing, festering, becoming visible to everyone around me. No amount of fear or hiding or fighting will take it away. Trapped. 

What is the release from this trap anyway? How can such hatred and corrosion be removed? Something pretty radical surely must take place. Forgiveness. But how do I get there? I feel so very far away from being able to forgive. And what or who am I forgiving? The person or people that committed the acts that the bitterness is aimed at? The actual acts? Do the people need to want forgiveness in order for me to give it? They don't even know of any issue to require it. Is the forgiveness for them at all? Or is it really for me? That seems somewhat oddly selfish, doesn't it? 

But am I truly angry with the person or people? Or am I angry at the memories? Can a memory really cause so much damage to the heart? Can I forgive a memory?

Upon reflection, it seems silly to hold so much bitterness, to waste so much energy on such memories, actions, or even people. Why can't I let it call go? These are such trivial things in the course of my life and in the course of the world, but yet I can't let them go. And then my heart turns to Jesus, the only example I should ever need to consider. He came to earth in the most humble of ways, in a form that no one recognized. He was hated, laughed at, betrayed. And even in the midst of dying a terrible death for those that did all of that against Him, He begged for our forgiveness. People, acts, memories, everything. He paid a price for a people that didn't appreciate it, didn't even care about it. 

Please tell me how I am supposed to live up to that? I can't. And now, do you know what this ties right back to? Grace. 

Here I've been given the topic of grace to study this semester as a mentor. I'm supposed to be able to lead discussions, inspire questions...But I don't nearly understand it. Grace is tied to everything - every hurt, every screw up, everything. Jesus knew that I would let Him down, and He still gave me grace. He wasn't bitter toward my choices or actions. He decided to forgive me anyway. He greed me from the consequences of my terrible choices that I absolutely deserved with a love bigger that any other love. 

So, what's the solution to all of this bitterness corroding that dark corner of my heart away? Radical, intrusive surgery. The surgeon? Jesus. The surgical tool? Grace.