Harboring Bitterness

I came to a realization the other day. I harbor bitterness. It's true. And you know, it's something that I maybe always knew but never wanted to admit. Or maybe I never really thought it through well enough to realize that what was coming out of my mouth was even bitter. But man. It really is, isn't it.

There are so many little things that I make into bigger issues. But the worst of it is, I make them non-issues in the presence of the cause and huge issues to anyone else who will listen. Right, Alisha? I mean, how many times have I said to my roommate, "Oh, I'll clean the bathroom. I really don't mind," only to turn around to my parents and say, "Guess who had to clean the toilet again. Man, I hate that." Or how many times have a listened to the piddly drama in my office with a smile on my face, only to rush to a friend outside of work and acknowledge how much it really steams me.

The true fact of the matter is that the bitterness that comes out of my mouth in the face of trusted friends stems from what should be non-issues in life. Does it really bother me all that much to clean the toilet if it needs to be cleaned? Is it really such a big deal if the assistants in the office are at each others' throats every now and then? And even if office drama did directly effect me, does it even matter then? If someone says something about me, if I get caught in the crossfire...even then, in the end, in the whole mad scheme of life, is it really worth getting riled about? Does it really matter that much?

And to put my friends and family into such a situation to have to listen to only my complaints, only my angry bitter thoughts...how fair is that to them? And how true is that to my real heart? Is that what is really in my heart? And as I reflect, maybe it is. It was. But to what end?

So, today is my turning point. It is a day to reflect on my many seeds of bitterness, many of which are harbored deep within, for no reason but to take up space. Today will be the start of a change, a much needed change, in my heart, in my very way of thinking. All the little things of life that should not take up space, should not waste my time, should not effect my heart...they will be washed out, restoring me to the happy, true-loving soul that I once was. And I won't be doing it alone. An amazing God has brought this to my attention, and He will, as He always does, continue to work on me. And that is the hope that I hold onto.

It's a beautiful day, isn't it? A refreshing day to be lived to the fullest. And starting today, I will.

(And if you're wondering where in the world all this came from, I would highly suggest reading "The Shofar Blew" by Francine Rivers.)