Generational Leap

"Well, that's it. There's no safety net left." I heard my dad stating this at some point this weekend as we shuffled from visitation to funeral to Sunday church together after the passing of the last of my parents' parents. In a single day, an entire generation was launched ahead from kids to adults, and consequently, so moved all of the subsequent generations. My parents became the trunk of the family tree, and I went from being a part of generation child to generation adult officially. Now perhaps, for my cousins this generational leap was not so much of a system shock as they are a few years older, married with kids and such. Maybe they already felt somewhat officially like adults. Despite my establishment in a career, home-ownership, etc., I still very much feel like a kid playing in a grown up's world.

With the generational leap comes a whole new set of things to think about. Even though I am, in theory, far from having to deal with a parental death, discussions have already begun about business owning and selling, being aware of where all financial records are stored, who to call first to deal with all of the legal issues of death. And although I was curious, I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to think about it. Because even though officially, I have lept from generation child to generation adult, I am not ready for what responsibilities come with the leap.

It's strange feeling to suddenly be no one's grandchild. Part of me still longs for the security that comes with being part of the kids group. But the generational leap is inevitable. It's part of life. So much of my grieving process this weekend was not even about my grandma (although I will, of course, miss her terribly), but it was more about facing up to the fact that life and growing up and growing old are things that are just happening, and frankly, I am struggling with how to accept it all.

How did this happen? When did we suddenly grow up? One minute we're all tying the littlest family member up with jump ropes and playing kick the can or annie-annie-over, and then next we're paying mortgages, drinking coffee, and asking for weed-eaters for our birthdays.

Family Like This

This weekend has been full of family...way more full of family than I could have anticipated. I talked with a friend on Monday about the upcoming weekend and the traditions of the immediate family for Thanksgiving and in preparation for Christmas. I told her that as much as I loved my family, it was somewhat hard to be home. I find myself falling into old habits of childhood far too quickly...laundry on the floor, not making the bed... It doesn't take too many days, and I find myself longing for the regularity and routine of my own home. I love my family, but we're still trying to figure out the whole adult-child/parent relationship. It's gotten tons better, but it's something that we'll always work on. 

But with my grandma's passing this week, the entire extended weekend became an extended family filled weekend. Thanksgiving on Thursday, visitation on Friday followed by dinner out with cousins, funeral today that will be followed by a birthday party tonight, and then church and lunch tomorrow. Despite all the family time, today I don't find myself longing for the peace and quiet of my own home. In fact, I don't want to miss out on any family time. It took a while for me to warm up to the idea, but now, all I want to do is stick around. 

My grandparents spent so much time with their siblings that the value and importance of family was ingrained into successive generations' genetics. And I realized as I looked around at all of the family at the funeral today, that very few people today get to experience family the way I have. I know my great aunts and uncles. I know many of my second and third cousins. I know all of my cousins, where they are, their childrens' names... And although every family looks around at their extended family members and comment, "Well, that's a strange lot there," or "They've got their fair share of issues," well, so what. Family is family, is it not? As I ate lunch today with a whole room full of family, I couldn't help be smile as I realized how very lucky I was to know and love so very many of my family. I have taken their presence for granted for far too long. 

So, today, I made it a point to talk to all my dad's cousins, to the great aunts and uncles, to the random third cousins I have seen once a year or so for my whole life but never really knew all that well. I left the church with a pocket full of email addresses, phone numbers, and promises to friend them on Facebook. Because as we lose the rocks of the family, the trunks of our immense family trees, it becomes our responsibility, those of us way out on the farthest branches, to come together, to stay together, to learn about each other, and to make sure that we always love each other. Our ancestors would have wanted it that way.

Grandma Konken

There are many things that I never knew about my grandma until this weekend. I never knew that she worked at the Stout Post Office, grocery store, and several other jobs in Stout. I never knew her middle name (Arlene). I never knew how adorably in love she was with her "honey" through the ages. I certainly never knew how prolifically she wrote in journals. This, out of all the new things I learned about my grandma, was one of the most touching to me...as I sit down to write in my own journal of little thoughts. She wrote about the weather, about who visited when, about what she cleaned or took care of around the house. But every once in a while, a story would grace the pages of her journals, a story of a trip her and Grandpa took together, or a poem that she jotted down, or a prayer. 

A few years back, I gave her a journal for Christmas, not recognizing the significance of the gift at the time. And although she only wrote a few pages over the years, she wrote them to my brother and me. Her thoughts wandered from the events of each day to stories of when we were little to stories of when she was little. Perhaps it is true that the apples and grand-apples don't fall all that far from the tree. 

But there were several things that I was pretty sure of when it came to my grandma. I'm pretty sure she used to curse at me in German. I don't recall her ever once cursing in English, but there's one German word I recall from childhood that I am quite sure she only used in frustration or in jest. I'm sure she was a woman that knew how to speak her mind. She was not a wall flower or a push over. If she had something to say, well, she just said it. 

And I know fore sure that she knew something that perhaps we, as her decedents, may only be slightly aware of now. She knew that food was something much more than what we eat. It is somehow a small window into peoples' lives. In fact, I'm quite sure that she knew that by feeding peoples' stomachs, she could also feed their souls. Sunday lunches after church were never just an excuse to eat. They were special family moments that are now ingrained into each of our hearts. The recipes she made are each tied to memories that we all made together. 

So, today, as we all reminisce about the broccoli-ham casserole, pea soup, and custard in the fancy dishes, we're really thinking of the funny or matter-of-fact things Grandma said, the memories we all made, the strength that lies in family, and how very much each of us were loved...something she never let us forget.

A Legitimately Good Day

Do you ever have a legitimately good day? One where everything is going better than you thought, the phone doesn't ring (unless you want it to), your inbox isn't swamped (for once), and all the answers to your questions come back just as you were hoping they might? Well, they don't happen all that often for me. I mean, I have good days, but today was just a down right great day. Usually in my world, it's sink or swim, oh yeah, and fight the current while you're out there in the deep. Today was like chillin' in the Dead Sea - no work, no waves, just floating along happily, everything going right. 

Yesterday, I remembered to put the trash on the curb. Today, I went to work, and I even arrived a few minutes earlier than my usual. I received free biscotti from a colleague who fresh baked it. I went to a meeting that I had very low expectations for only to be blown away by an almost too-good response from all the attendees. The words, "Seriously? No questions?" came out of my mouth more than once. I got back to my office to find only one new voicemail that I didn't have to return as well as a few emails that I had been waiting on with the responses I was looking for. I got a free lunch.

After that, all I wanted was to get away from the office, despite how great it had treated me all morning. I just figured that the longer I stayed, the higher the probability that the day would somehow come crashing down in flames. So, I emailed a friend as a long shot to see if she wanted to play...which she checked almost immediately and called me within a few minutes. We promptly decided to go see a movie (why not?) and then I stayed to help make and consume a delicious meal. Oh, and then on the way home, a good old friend called to tell me she had just been proposed to. 

Why am I telling you all of this, you wonder? Well, I'm not sure. It's just something to rejoice over I suppose. And in our busy lives, how often do we take the time to just enjoy a great day? How often do we stop to think of how very good we have it?

Today I am reminded of how very blessed I am, how thankful I am for all I've been given. And looking back on today full of laughter, squeals of delight, even an actual physical jump for joy, all I want to do is give all of it back to God in an act of worship. I know He delighted in my heart being glad. And I delight in Him, from who all good things come.

Slow to Anger

Lately, I've found myself getting cranky quite a bit. Usually it's directed toward someone or something that I don't see being done "right" so I consider it some sort of righteous anger. You know, as if I'm on some holier than thou kick, believing that when I do things, they're done "right" and when people don't do them like I would, they're most certainly "wrong." 

So, tonight after a seemingly "wrong" going meeting, I came home cranky but decided to search "slow to anger" into the biblegateway.com search engine. I got nine old testament passages with the exact phrase "slow to anger." All but one said exactly the same phrase after it too: "..and abounding in love..." 

I got to thinking, I bet God looks at earth and his people and thinks, "I think you're going about that in the wrong way," all the time. How many times do I deserve a cranky God looking at me, shaking His head. How many times have I gone about things in my own way, even sometimes knowing that His way will undoubtedly be better, but choosing the wrong way anyway. And yet, God doesn't fly off the handle, He doesn't throw his hands in the air, complain about me and my choices, He doesn't take things away from me when I don't do them just right. Why not? Because He is abounding in love. And being full of love, He wants me to learn and grow. How do I do that? Sometimes by doing things the wrong way. 

So, how do I implement this in my own life? How do I cool it and stop being so darn cranky at all those people doing things the wrong way? Well, the only thing I can figure is just love them more, be downright overflowing with love. How can I get so mad at the people that I love so much? They're trying their best, just like I am. And getting mad just freaks people out, shuts people down, hurts people. So, I pray for the capacity to love people more as I try to model after God, being slow to anger and full of love.

Growing Gratitude

I just got home, and I must confess, I had to convince myself that it still indeed is Wednesday night. It feels like somewhere around next Tuesday. 

But I stayed late at work tonight for a great purpose, and I took a thing or two away from the evening to boot. The Wendt Scholars decided to show the movie The Blind Side as a part of Gratitude Week. I was asked to lead discussion, and I left it pretty loose, not really sure what specifically we were going to talk about. As I listened to students discuss the movie, I viewed some of the scenes in a brand new way. 

Gratitude, as shown in The Blind Side, is something that grows between individuals. I would go so far as to say, it can be taught. One of the most telling scenes in the movie is on Thanksgiving Day. The family dives into a store-bought Thanksgiving meal and promptly plops in front of the TV for a day of football. Michael quietly fills his plate and takes his place at the dining room table. He is grateful for the meal, the shelter, and all that the family has shared with him. The family, taking for granted the day as a vacation day to enjoy in front of the tube, suddenly notices his place at the table and go to join him. In that moment, you can feel the family realizing how much they have been given, learning from Michael how to express in a heartfelt way, their gratitude. His gratitude changed their lives. 

This knew found knowledge gives me something to chew on. The mere act of expressing gratitude can change others' lives. It can grow in someone else's heart. It can rub off on them. Doesn't this fact make you want to run out and share how grateful you are for the people, things, and circumstances of your life? It also makes me want to keep watch for how others express gratitude as to allow the attitude of thankfulness can grow and expand and rub off into my heart. This gratitude thing is more than just a little bit of giving thanks. It's a condition of the heart to be shared, grown, expanded, and lived into.

Letting God Blow my Mind

Over the past year or so, I have tossed around (although usually flippantly) the idea of going back to school for a terminal degree. About a year ago, after talking to a few informal professional mentors, mainly in the faculty world, I had come to the conclusion that it made absolutely no sense for me to go back to school, fall into near unrecoverable debt, and lose any shred of sanity I may have had. I would be able to do what I was made to do based on life experience and a great reputation. It's more than idealistic to think that to be the truth...it's naive.

But as I discovered this naivety, my motives began to contort and shift, making me want grad school even less. I started out with the mindset that I had some sort of obligation to others to go back to school. My boss, mentors, people I looked up to, people who might look up to me...they said I should. But all the reasons that I ought to go back to school made the very idea of it start to taste bitter in my mouth...as if they were making me do it. 

At the same time that the ought-to's were sneaking up on me, making the idea seem worse and worse, God was working to show me a different perspective. A month ago or so, I received an article from a colleague about the holiness of education, seeking out knowledge about God's creation, about things that God has given me interest in. At the time, I didn't necessarily make a connection to my own education, but rather the value of assisting in the education of others. But pursuing education is honoring God with my mind. And doing what I'm made to do is also honoring to God; I'm offering him a gift, one that originally came from Him and is best used only with His help. And in my line of work, doing what I'm made to do, to my very best ability, will require a higher degree of education. So then, it's not out of an ought-to attitude that I feel compelled to go back to school, it's an attitude of love, gratitude, and worship to God that makes me want to do it.

Since I received that article, I have had many conversations with mentors, friends, family, colleagues, and I have learned a lot about others' journeys, my own motives, things to think about as I move forward...but this morning, I heard what I will consider the final tipping point of the motive scale from the very end of the church service. Pastor Ken asked, "Are you ready for God to blow your mind away?" This question was in reference to John 14:12: "Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father." Ken continued with an illustration of the chance to play volleyball anywhere in the world, something he felt he was built to do, but ended up playing college football instead. He built a wall of excuses out of fear and doubt. The question of really wanting to see what God has in store for us (things that are greater than the works of Jesus!) can be a scary thing. What if I screw it all up? What if I can't do the great things in store for me? What if God doesn't really have great things in store for me? Sometimes, it can be easier to build excuses to avoid all these what-ifs.

Well, this morning, I knew that I didn't have any excuses left. I don't want to build a wall of fear and doubt. I want to see what God can do with my life. I'm ready for Him to blow my mind. So, I'm headed to grad school. I don't know where, when, or how just yet, but I do know I'm going...not because I ought to or feel obligated to...because I want to, I can't not do it. The Father calls me to it. And I'm ready for my mind to be blown.

Little Moments

I have a particularly favorite moment of almost every work day. In the morning, when I finally drag my rear out of the house and onto campus (somewhere around 8:30 or so), I park in my usual spot half way across campus, and I walk to the east to get to my office. 

I walk across the campus quad, into the sunrise, in complete silence, with no one else around. There is something very serene about walking directly into the rising sunlight every morning. Some days, I end up walking so slowly, any onlookers there might be probably assume there's something wrong. I don't care. I'm consumed by the moment. It's a daily reminder of how amazing, how comforting, how beautiful our God is. It's quiet, peaceful, calming, stunning... I can't think of a better way to start each day than time spent walking with God on the quad of the place that my heart loves so much.

Enjoy today, everyone!