Kind of Strange

You know, I find it kind of strange that some days I have endless things to say, opinions to share, lessons to teach...And some days, nothing. The last few weeks, my head and heart have been full. There has been much to process, and usually that's what you see falling onto these pages...reflection and processing. But for some reason, despite feeling like I have plenty to process, I've felt like maybe I should just remain quiet for a while. 

So, weeks have gone by without so much as a peep here about a recent fantastic first date, a wonderful four-week sermon series at church from Ephesians, an extremely successful j-term at UD, an opportunity to invite my neighbors to church...so many wonderful, unexpected things. Why haven't I shared anything?

I wonder if perhaps I'm suppose to spend more time just listening. I like to think I'm a good listener, but sometimes I'm not so sure. I feel like maybe some days I dominate conversations all around me...with friends, with mentors, with God. As if my stories are somehow more important, more significant. But perhaps now, when so many things are going on in my life, when there are questions, things to get excited about, things to be frustrated about...all at once, now it is of utmost importance to stop and listen. Pray. Listen. Sit quietly. Listen.

Taboo Topics on a First Date

[This post was created on 1/17, nearly immediately after the date referenced in the post. Upon rereading it on 3/13, I thought it harmless to actually post. Enjoy.]

This weekend was one of the most unexpected weekends I can remember. The whole thing was surreal. There's a ton of back matter to this story which I've probably already told you anyway. So I'll just try to stick to the facts.

Briefly, a co-worker, and a brave soul indeed, set me up with her brother on a blind date. She also invited me over for dinner with her and her husband and her brother before we had even met. It could have all been potentially very awkward, but as it turns out, it wasn't so much. Pat and I met for coffee downtown Saturday morning and almost instantly fell into a comfortable conversational rhythm. It wasn't long before we were telling our way through life stories and funny memories and laughing and having a great time. Coffee went by, then lunch, then dinner. We just really enjoyed each others' company.

After dinner with the sister and husband, and after a healthy does of men versus women in the game Password, it was just Pat and I talking again. And for whatever reason, we launched into a super serious conversation about beliefs, values, the future, our ex's...all of which, I'm quite sure qualify as pretty strictly taboo topics when it comes to first dates. Not knowing where the other stood as far as religion and spirituality, we talked at great length about that. I can't say, prior to this weekend, that I've ever really presented the Gospel on a first date. This was not ordinary first date.

After a few hours of talking, we were both exhausted and went our separate ways with plans to get together the next day. Although the mood was much lighter and much less serious than the night before, we still managed to stumble into taboo territory including more Gospel talk (including me fumbling through explaining the sermon I had heard that morning), family talk (as in, "do you want kids?"), and more ex-talk.

The idea that dating gets easier as we get older is such a myth. Dating is hard to navigate, exhausting, and frankly, there's more at stake the older we get.

The Power of Kindness

As I continue to ponder kindness, I am constantly keeping an eye out for resources that help me wrap my brain around the idea. The other day, I stumbled upon a short video clip from the local newspaper. Dubuque's First Citizen this year, apparently known well for her kindness, responded to the interviewer's question, "...what is the power of kindness?"

http://www.thonline.com/multimedia/?id=3580

I'm not sure I liked her answer all that much. She seems like a very kind woman, and I don't want this to feel like any sort of award-recipient bashing, but her response was that the power of kindness lies in the ability of each of us to display it. Is there really power in that? Certainly there is some semblance of influence in it, just by the logic of critical mass. If a large number of people choose to be kind, then it will spread to others, influencing them to also be kind. 

But what is the power of kindness? What can kindness do? Kindness disarms. It can take a defensive, hurt individual and calm them, easing the tension and hurt. You've seen it happen, yes? A simple hand on a shoulder, a come-let's-talk-about-it look or gesture, a gift of apology...all disarming. Kindness heals. Broken hearts can be mended by kindness. Think of the times you were most hurt and how you moved on. What did it take? A talk with a friend or mentor? A hug? A gift? A letter written from the heart? These things heal us, and they are brought forth through genuine kindness. I'd say these things are powerful indeed. 

Where does kindness stem from? Where do its roots lie? What is the origin of kindness? Next time...

Irrelevance of Balance

Although I'm sure I'll come back to the many conflicting ideas of kindness floating around in my head lately, a theme has been emerging in my life that I feel the need to make mention of. I'm not sure I'll have any sort of concluding thoughts on this theme, perhaps just a few initial perceptions...

While eating lunch at a strange little place downtown, we talked of life and work and school and the general overwhelming nature of life. I was honest in saying that entering grad school could be just a terrible thing as far as my life balance goes. My wise friend and mentor, in her usual honest, frank way said that she didn't think balance in each stage of life was really a possible thing...maybe over the course of a lifetime one could hope to average out somewhere in the realm of balance, but not in every season. Some seasons have more work, more study, more quiet, more chaos. But to attempt to achieve balance in each stage just would drive a person to a frustrated insanity. I wasn't so sure I agreed just completely. 

But tonight, as I started another new book (note, I said started...I've got a pile of something like seven started books...none of which I've managed to finish), I stumbled upon this quote from Jacques Ellul, a French philosopher that I won't even pretend to know anything about. In his book, Reason for Being: A Meditation on Ecclesiastes, he writes:

Remember your Creator during your youth: when all possibilities lie open before you and you can offer all your strength intact for his service. The time to remember is not after you become senile and paralyzed! Then it is not too late for your salvation, but too late for you to serve as the presence of God in the midst of the world and the creation. You must take sides earlier - when you can actually make choices, when you have many paths opening at your feet, before the weight of necessity overwhelms you.

This, to me, sounds like encouragement for specific seasons of life - those seasons when you're young, full of energy, ambition. This is perhaps not the time to strive for balance at all. It is the time to strive to be the very presence of God in the world. Later will be too late. I will be tired and slow and old. But right now, now I've got the drive, the passion, maybe even the insanity to dive deeply into my purpose for living. 

As I said before, I'm not so sure I've got any actual conclusive remarks on this matter...just a few unfinished thoughts on the theme of seasons and the irrelevance of balance in living out a life of purpose. I'm interested to wait and see if anything else comes up like this, and if nothing else, perhaps I have another book to start in the near future as I've already looked up Ellul's book and found it right on the shelves of the campus library.

Initial Ponderings on Kindness

If you read my resolutions post recently, the you've already heard briefly of my heart's desire to learn to be more genuinely kind. Lately, I've been doing a bit of pondering about what this really means. But the more I ponder it, the more I begin to wonder how feasible something like learning to be kind might be.

The trouble, I'm finding? We live in a broken world. The model of kindness doesn't really work here. Think about it. Who "gets ahead" in this world? Driven, manipulative, cut-throat people get ahead. They are CEOs, leaders. They are rich, successful, powerful. Where do nice people end up? Dead last. Nice people get trampled. 

Think about it. People that are kind generally get taken advantage of. If I am kind and offer my money to an organization, my name ends up on some list and I get asked ten thousand times for money. If I offer my help on a project at work, I get asked to do a few more, or worse, I'm expected to continue to do nice things all the time. Suddenly, I find myself drowning in all the nice things I'm doing while also failing to do all the things I should be doing. 

But if I was truly genuinely kind, would this bother me? It shouldn't, right? If my heart was in the right place about the kind things I do, then being walked on a little shouldn't hurt my feelings. But, facts are facts. Being taken advantage of does bother me. I feel like I'm always being burned. 

Enter, the Jesus example. His heart was kind. He loved sinners, weirdos, children. He felt compassion on the sick and injured. But He wasn't always Mr. Nicey Nice. Off the top of my head, I can recount examples of Jesus throwing things in the temple, asking the healed not to tell of His works, attempts to remove Himself from hoards of people (to pray, to sleep, on a hill, in a boat...). I can only imagine these must have been Jesus' intentional choices to not be completely overrun, trampled. A genuine heart of kindness is not a blind or foolish heart.

I know I'm not done wrestling with this. How did Jesus decide who to heal and who to walk away from? When to teach and when to rest? When to turn the other cheek and when to utilize a little righteous anger? When to hang with the group and when to take a moment for Himself? 

To be honest, I'm not really sure what I've learned in this quick and dirty review of Jesus' moments of not-kindness. There is much seeking to be done...which probably means a little less talking and a lot more listening, seeking after the kind heart of God.

Living into the Unexpected

Happy 2011! The new year has officially been rung in, and although watching the ball drop on TV is like an episode of the Twilight Zone (oh the music and the wardrobe selections...how out of touch with current culture I am), it was festive and lighthearted all around with good friends. 

I've reflected already about the many blessings of 2010 as well as some of my hopes and desires for 2011, but it has really struck me today that my heart should prepare for one main thing this year: the unexpected. What does that mean, you may ask. But the honest answer is that I don't really know. I suppose that's what makes the unexpected unexpected. 

I want to take joy in unexpected things, big and small, significant and insignificant. Tonight, I drove home from Platteville and it started to snow. I didn't think it was supposed to snow tonight. It was so beautiful! As I drove through town, I admired the floating flakes under every single street lamp. Insignificant, but enjoyable. I want to soak up these unexpected moments. And I can only imagine what types of unexpected significant things God may have in store for me.

So, 2011, here I come. Bring on your unexpected. I will show you my joy. Whatever God has in store, I'm excited to receive it.