Gratitude and Greed

In a season of Thanksgiving, it is only natural to be reflective of all of those things that are counted as blessings in our lives, to ponder all of those things, great and small, that make life wonderful, enchanting, and rich. A major portion of my current life is quite obviously my work. It's where I spend the vast majority of my time, where my energy and passions are poured out; it is my very calling in life at this time, in this place. For this place, I am more than thankful.  

I'm grateful for the opportunity to have work at all. With times the way they are, there are many today that struggle and fight to even be or remain employed. Not only do have work, I have a true career with endless opportunities to dabble in areas of interest, expand professional experiences, teach, mentor, create new initiatives... In less than two years, I have grown immensely in my profession, more so than I ever thought possible. I'm so grateful for the uncommon experience I have been blessed with.

I am grateful for the mission of this place, that it is so much more than just a place to receive an education for our students. It's a place, instead that is trying to build up, inspire, and guide young adults into fruitful lives of purpose. It is a place that believes in and supports those that much of the world casts aside. How wonderful to have a deeper reason for working as an individual besides the paycheck, a deeper reason for existing as a university besides just providing diplomas.

I'm so grateful for the relationships I've developed here. The professionals that work beside me are a group of wonderful people, people of purpose that have vision and hopes for the future of their work. With so much of my time being spent at my work, my colleagues are also my primary social circle, and I can't think of people that I'd rather spend a lot of my time with. I'm so thankful for the friendships I have developed here.

Although my heart is overwhelmed by this place, what it has done for my life, and what it has done for so many around me, and although I am extremely thankful for the many blessing I have received from merely being associated with this place, part of my heart is still left longing. It's left yearning for something more. This is a strange feeling for me since thankfulness has, in my experience, typically led to contentment, but content I am not. I am left desiring more for this place - not more from this place but more for this place. I want programs to be better; student support to be more invasive; more resources to be able to effectively manage faculty and staff loads, program offerings, and new initiatives; a stronger mission; a bolder campus community faith effort...

All of these desires leave me with a feeling of greed, not contentment. How can a place that has given me so much still need so much? How can I look on this place with frustration and exhaustion after all it has blessed me and others with? The fact of the matter is that I simply do not know. Perhaps it is my gratitude that is driving my greed...because I am thankful, I must continue to fight for something even better - not for my benefit or success, but for the benefit and success of so many that are deserving of it.

Whatever it is, I cannot deny how much I have changed and grown because of this place. It is my sincere hope that there are countless others who feel the same way. It is for them that I fight and battle for more for this place.

I Should Throw a Party

Today, friends and faithful readers (however few of you there may be), marks a fairly momentous occasion....in my blogging life anyway. My most recent post about marriage, posted earlier today was my 200th post on my blog. I quick look back reminds me that I have been blogging on this very site for three and a half years. Wow.

Much of the three and half years has been a blur, although it seems that most recently, I've finally started to realize the pure joy that is to be found in loving life rather than just surviving it. And although I am certainly tempted to take a grandiose look back over that entire history of written thoughts, feelings, actions, frustrations, joys, fears, and goofy stories, I will spare you the recap...for today at least. I'll leave you hanging in suspense until the annual year in review post that usually quickly follows New Year's Day.

However, the thought of 200 posts, most of which fall into the category of miscellany, has caused me to ponder the effect that all of my ramblings thus far as well as the potential for effect far into the future. Have people been touched through my words? Is God working through my frustrations to help others in my same situations? Have I given someone a laugh when they perhaps needed it most? Who will look back over all of these trivial notes and minuscule moments, the very thing that has transformed from just a way to fill time into a place for my heart to live on paper (or on a screen, as the case may be)? Will my children or grandchildren someday read this as a chronicle of their crazy mother or grandmother's journeys through life? Will they think me a fool or will I prove wiser? Will these silly postings outlive me and carry on some message to those far down my family line?

I never set out originally on this bloggiful journey to change lives, impact hearts, or even to glorify God. At first, it was simply to be able to tell a story. But as I grew, and as I continue to grow and learn and mature and (hopefully) become wiser, this spec in space has become so much more. I honestly don't know who's following along. And I'm not sure I'll ever know what type of impact something like a semi-public jumble of thoughts and feelings tucked away in an unseen corner of the internet will have, but it is my honest hope that God can somehow be glorified by it all, and that He can truly use it all for good.

So if you're following along, thanks for three and half great years and 200 (make that 201 after you've finished reading this) posts of sharing so far. Here's to many, many more to come.

You know what? I think I will throw that party. A glass of red wine and a little soft music will do just fine before I crawl into bed for the night. Man, 200 feels pretty darn good.

Marriage - A New Perspective

In reading an article recently given to me by a friend and mentor entitled The Case for Early Marriage, exactly one sentence stood out to me in a way that the rest of the article failed to do: "What most young adults fail to realize is that marriage is a formative institution not an institution to be entered into once one is fully formed." Hold on here a second. Why have I never thought of marriage in this way before? I mean, it really never crossed my mind that it may actually work this way.

Ever since I was little, marriage was what you got to do when you were all grown up, when you had it all together, when you "arrived" and became the person you would be for the rest of your life. And even as an adult, I continued to think this way. I blamed others in a relationship for not having all together (as if I ever did), and dumped many a nice man just for that.

But what I have come to learn is that I don't have it all together yet. And what's more, I'll never be able to get to the point where I have "arrived." Ta da! I'm all grown up! Life is all about growing, changing, a continual path of formation and transformation, growing ever closer to and gaining knowledge of God, others, and self (in that order). And marriage is choosing to do all of that with another person. And just like growth and change for one person is messy and unpredictable and confusing and hard work, I know that marriage will be all of this as well, and that's how it was designed.

Although I am tempted to look back on every relationship that I ended because they didn't have it all together, and in truth, neither did I, I mustn't. God would have steered my heart back to the one planned for me, or maybe He will still. The call will be unignorable. Something tells me I will not miss it. So, with this new found knowledge, I can only look ahead to future relationships. Dating and marriage is in itself formative. It's a choice to grow and change with someone else. I've been praying for my husband as long as I've known I could, and I know that God will bless me as He sees fit, married or not. And I need to be content in that.

Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

In the past few weeks, as incredibly as it may sound, I have been sassed (yes, I said sassed) by two separate alumni at two separate events on campus. I have the following issues with this:

1) You're a grown adult. You have fully developed sensors in your brain that let you know what is appropriate and what is not. Please employ them before speaking to me in a disrespectful or degrading tone.

2) You're not a student here anymore. As an alum of the University of Dubuque, I realize that you have several rights - you can be on campus, you can participate in some specific alumni-tailored events, and you can give all the money you'd like to the University to use for the benefit of our students. This does not, however, give you the privilege to show up uninvited or unannounced and proceed to think, talk, and act negatively toward an employee of the University (that would be me).

3) You're a grown adult. Oh, did I say that one already? Right. Well, I just wanted to make sure there was no confusion. I am also a grown adult. It doesn't really matter if you're older than me or even if you have more history at the University than I do. I am an employee of the University and a human being, both of which deserve at least a shred of respect. I'm not even asking you to like me, just don't treat me like I'm dirt.

Okay, well, I just needed to get that off my chest. One moment of disrespect probably would have rolled off my shoulders, but two in a few weeks' time was just getting ridiculous. And don't get me wrong. Typically, I love alumni. I think they are a great resource, hold many historic treasures from years gone by, and they can be fun. But, apparently, sometimes they can also be jerks. If you happen to be a UD alum, feel free to approach me with any ideas you may have for the improvement of the campus or just to say hello, unless you are going to act like a child or like you've got something to prove. Then you can just stay away. Thanks.

A Parent's Heart

Mothers and fathers, I do not yet fully know how you do it. I'm not a parent, but I have come to understand at least a tiny glimpse of the heart of a parent. At first, my students were just my students, then they were something more lovely, like a sibling or an old friend, but then, something unexpected happened. My students became my children.

And what I'm realizing, as time goes by, is that the love of a parent can be immensely painful. As it well should be. To have your heart walking around outside of your body, it can be a beautiful, wonderful thing. But your heart is sure to take a beating without any protection. When one of your children is hurting, your heart is hurting. When one of your children is missing, your heart seems to stop altogether until they return.

Over the past few days, I have experienced the pain of love as some of my own have been hurting, have hurt me, and one was even missing for a short time that seemed to go on forever. I have been a "parent" for all of a few years, and I cannot for the life of me figure out how this kind of love can go on for a lifetime.

It's a strange thing, the love-pain of a parent. The love of a child is so strong that it makes any of the pain completely worth it.

How much greater must our Father's love-pain be for us. How much more must God look at us, believing we are worth it. What a wonderful heart to have my own heart patterned after.

Thank You, Father, for the mystery of a parent's heart and love. And thank You for giving me a parent's heart before actually becoming a parent. Help me to love the children you have entrusted me in the way You have designed me to. It was worth it to send your Son for me, your child. In echo, it is worth it for me to pour Your love into Your children. What a love. What a love.

Choices and Excuses

I don't really want to hear it anymore. Really, I just don't. I'm pretty done with excuses from everyone....myself included. It's easy to make excuses, but I've come to learn that it's pretty tough to really, seriously back them up.

When it boils all the way down, excuses are an attempt to make up for our choices, however good or bad those choices may have been. When you say, I don't have my textbook with me because I just came from the doctor, what you really mean is, I chose to leave my book at home before leaving for the doctor. When you say, I honestly don't have the time to even look at this before next week, (and I'm just as guilty as the next person of this one) what you really are saying is, I have chosen to over-commit myself in too many things for me to take care of this. When you say, I can't, what you're most likely saying is, I choose not to.

Please don't misunderstand me here. I get it. Life can be hard. I've been through one of the toughest stretches of my life in the last few years. Sometimes circumstances are not what you expect. Things get a little out of hand. And suddenly you're in over your head. But please don't just sit there and blame the circumstances. If you're failing a class, quit something extracurricular or drop a class or take fewer hours at work. If you can't handle a role you are in, step down and let someone else take over. Make a choice to change your circumstance.

Tonight, I obviously sat through a few rough meetings, heard my fair share of excuses. Not knowing what else to do, I simply sat patiently and waited for the meetings to adjourn wondering what in the world would be appropriate to say. Nothing came to mind, so the meeting ended, and I got up and left. What could I say? I just hope I can lead by strong enough example to teach them through my actions rather than the inspired words that never come...

Retention?

The background or origin of this story doesn't really matter, and I'm certainly not writing this to slander anyone's name or political ideals. But I do have a slight beef with the disturbing news that I have just received.

The long and the short of it is that collaboration between the three Dubuque colleges/universities has been discouraged. The reason? What if one of those other schools snags one of our students during the collaboration?

Well, what if they do?

Doesn't it seem that as a school, you'd want to step up and just be better than other schools, thus enticing those other schools' students to your own rather than just blocking any major interactions between the schools to prevent student stealing? I mean, if we're really worried about our students falling in love with the other schools, it seems to me that we are nervous that we, in fact, are not the better of the three schools, that perhaps we're lacking something that they have that may call our students to migration.

To me, this is a problem. I'm over here fighting and fighting to make students' experiences the very best they can be...with little support, little funding, and little resources. Where's everybody else? Are they fighting with me? Some days it certainly feels as though they are fighting against me. Well, those of us who are here fighting would love to stand up and say we are indeed the best, but it will take more than just the few of us. It will take all of us truly investing in our students' lives, experiences, and futures. It will take all of us working to improve the culture, environment, and temperament of campus. Without complete buy in from everyone, we are just like any other school...

If anyone from UD is reading this (which, I know there are only a few, if any), this is my rallying cry out to you - dig in to our students. Love them. Spend time with them. Work hard for them - harder than you think you should. Because without you, we simply cannot be the best. We will always be looking over our shoulder with paranoia wondering who might creep on to our campus and steal a student or two. But with you, we can put our worries to rest, knowing that this is where students want to be.

Stupid Human Nature

Stupid human nature. What is wrong with you? Why do you always feel the need to do what you're not supposed to do? To worship things you're not supposed to worship? To fight fights that shouldn't be fought? What is wrong with you?

Just about the time I'm settled into myself, you come knocking on the door... Hey, remember me? Yeah, I know you said you were good being single, but you and I both know you were just saying that. Oh, and those thoughts you thought you shook out of your brain that you knew you shouldn't be thinking, they weren't really that bad, were they? I'm just sayin'. Sigh. Stupid human nature.

Stupid human nature, I question your motives. It's like you're trying to bring me down. You are the one, aren't you, that whispers in my ear about things that I want to put to rest? Things like being alone, working too hard, judging people too harshly...I could go on and on, and you know that. You are against me. You are my enemy.

I want to fight you off, knock you out, yell and scream at you for being so stupid. But there's one little thing that stops me in my tracks today. You are me, and I am you. There's no separating us, no matter how hard I try. As long as I'm here on earth, you are too, and I can't get away from you. Sigh.

But there are a few things I know today, stupid human nature. A few things that you need to hear so there is no question as to where we stand. My God is bigger and more powerful than you. You can keep doing those stupid things that you do, but God is bigger than all of that. My God loves me even with you around. That's right. There's nothing you can do to take God's love away from me. He is without condition in His gift of love. Not even you can be a condition that effects God's love for me.

I will, undoubtedly, have to fight you all my life on earth. You will probably not ever stop whispering in my ear or doing all the stupid things that you do, stupid human nature, but there is a glorious forgiveness that rains down on me even when you are at your stupidest. We are forgiven, you and me. I am trying to wrap my head around how big and wonderful that is. You will probably never understand it.

Holy Father, thank You, thank You for loving me even with my stupid human nature that I am bound to in this life. Thank You for Your forgiveness, love, and blessings despite this stupid human nature weight I drag around. Will I ever understand how great You are?