Sunday, March 13, 2011

Things I don't not believe

This morning in church, our pastor did something that in six years, I had never seen anything close to. He started the service sitting down in a chair on the stage holding a wireless microphone. He let us know that he had no notes for this morning, no sermon prepared. He explained that in recent months the Spirit of God had been using him in ways he couldn't explain or control. His body sometimes moved without explanation or desire to do so, he could feel power and pain and healing passing to and through him. 

As he spoke, his body began to move in bizarre manners, going from sitting to standing, to tip-toes, to arched. Men of the church went up to assist him to be sure he didn't fall. He went from standing to the ground, face down, back to standing and arched. And then when it was over, he went and sat back down. 

I didn't know what to feel. I know I believe that the Spirit can move in the very ways I witnessed this morning, but that doesn't keep me from feeling confused, skeptical. And the pastor urged us to check his words and actions against scripture, of which I'm quite sure I will find no conflict. I really do believe this stuff can happen. I don't not believe any of itI believe that people can speak in tongues, heal others, hear words directly from God; I believe in the presence of demons and angels, spiritual warfare... So why went it actually happens, do I doubt, shy away, feel skeptical? 
I've never seen anything quite like what I saw today. And my guess is that the guests I brought to church this morning will not opt to return with me anytime soon. 

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

Strangest Analogy Ever

Today, I was offered one of the strangest, but perhaps most apt analogies anyone has ever offered me. A bit of a background story: A colleague/friend and I had just finished up a long, fairly emotional conversation about an issue of which we each had personal conflict with each other. It's been a project we've worked long and hard on together, and in an instant, last week, it all seemed to come to a screeching halt. We didn't talk for nearly a week, but today we got back together. We had to. We had one last meeting before we present the big project to the big wigs on Thursday. So, we came to a resolution together after some soul searching, a few tears, brave moments of honesty, and a certain heartfeltness that only comes from being both friends and coworkers. 

And after it was all done, she says to me, "Well, this is your baby. It has been all along. And you need to think of Thursday like a birthday...your day to deliver the result of all of your hard work to the world. So, take your vitamins, get some sleep, and on Thursday morning, be ready to push." 

At first, I found this analogy to be extremely awkward, but frankly, the more I think of it, the more sense it makes. This last week, I've been all sorts of emotional as things get stretched, stressed, and put to the test here toward the end...having not ever actually been pregnant, I can only assume a certain amount of emotional volatility develops as one nears the end of that long nine month road of developing, protecting, and growing that precious baby. And now, a few days before the big day, I'm getting nervous, excited, anxious to see the result out in front of me, laid out for everyone to see. And the work of getting this whole big project even presented in concept to the big wigs is, well, work. Hard work. Strenuous, nerve-racking, frightening work. A little like labor, right?

So, I guess my friend wasn't all that far off. On Thursday morning, I will have no choice but to be ready to deliver the precious cargo I've been carrying for nearly the last two years. It will be, in no uncertain terms, a very big birthday. 

You know, the metaphor may be right on, but I can't seem to shake the disturbing mental image of me actually giving birth in the conference room with seven or so colleagues and administrators sitting around watching. *Shiver* :)

Saturday, March 05, 2011

Restorative Exhaustion

Can there be such thing as restorative exhaustion? A day that makes you feel tired, worn out, and old, but yet somehow fulfilled and restored? This week was a pretty tough week for me, as I reflected last night. But today, in my twelth hour of about sixteen at work, it only takes one student saying, "You really do go above and beyond for us...and I don't know how you do it." or one alum that has heard of my efforts to rebuild the social Greek system at UD and tells me, "It's so great to hear of what you're doing for the Greeks. It really is about life-long friendships." And I somehow feel like last week was kind of worth it. Like it wasn't maybe just so bad. 

And I guess that's what keeps me here, you know? It's that ability to measure the good against the bad, and again and again, determine that it's worth going through. Logical? Probably not. But for the past three years, it's worked. One day it may drive me to absolute insanity, but I guess it works, and it's a risk I'm willing to take. 

Friday, March 04, 2011

An Effective Attack

I haven't had a week like this in quite a while. Oh, what a struggle it has been. I feel so defeated. My view of my very worth has been attacked from all sides, and what an effective attack it has been. 

The week began with an honest but unexpected conversation with a colleague that shook my confidence on a major project I've been working diligently on for nearly two years. I've been fixated on it all week, usually worrying myself all the way to worst-case scenario mode, occasionally spontaneously bursting into tears, trying to figure out what I've done wrong or what I could have done better, second guessing all of my effort. An unnecessary work-up to be sure, but that's how attacks work I suppose. 

Then yesterday and today, I worked diligently to try to protect a student organization by attempting to set up a meeting with another professional on campus. There were some things that just needed to be discussed professional to professional, and I really thought I was doing the right thing for the organization and for the professional. Three times in two days, I set up a time and place, and three times in two days I was canceled upon. I found out too late that the reason I was being canceled on was because this professional was going around me to speak with a student from the organization instead. Then this professional proceeded to speak ill of me personally to the student. So not only did this person's actions speak clearly of their view of my worth, but their actual words spelled out their view of my worth. 

And topping off the attack on my worth, my week isn't even over. I will quietly work a sixteen hour Saturday with students, something I will most likely even enjoy, but it will undoubtedly go unnoticed by most, not that acknowledgment is any real sort of reason for why I do what I do...

Look, the fact of the matter is I know that I have worth. But that knowledge doesn't halt Satan's ability to attack it. He knows that all it takes is a tiny fissure, a little crack in the armor, and once he finds it, he can pick at it and pick at it until I'm just exhausted, affected, hurt. But it's time to attack back. I have worth. And I can prove it. 

Genesis 1:27 says, "So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them." How could I forget that God fashioned me after himself?  

Psalm 139 says: "You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely...For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb..." God thinks I'm worth enough to know everything about me. He dreamed me up and knows everything about me. 


Romans 8:15 tells me, "The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship." I am a child of God. I have worth because the Spirit living in me brings about my adoption. 


That is such a tiny start. Such a little glimpse into the worth that God sees in me. I haven't even touched the fact that Jesus died for me. He died for me. Because he loves me. I'm worth his life. His life fills mine with worth. So, take that, Satan. You don't define my worth. This week's attacks are temporary. They won't last. My worth in Christ is eternal. It will last forever. And because of that, I can endure weeks like this.