The Theme of 2012

I rarely set New Year's resolutions; it just seems so cliche. But every once in a while, I just get a hunch, call it intuition, call in divine intuition of something that I should focus on. Lately, I've been feeling guided toward discipline. Now don't smirk. Just because my life is, um, full, doesn't mean that I live with a great deal of discipline.

Prime examples of my general lack of discipline include the general state of my house, for one. Piles of laundry on the floors of multiple rooms, dirty counters and dishes, stacks of mail in plain sight, general bathroom nastiness.... I do not have discipline in my own home. In fact, if anyone ever came over as a surprise, they might assume that I have several small children or roommates. But no. Just my own filth. 

School is actually another great example. I, as I always have, procrastinate most projects. And although I usually claim that the pressure of the time constraint makes me perform better, that is a lie I've convinced myself of. It's just a lack of discipline.

The state of my office. Waking up late for work. Inconsistencies in workouts and healthy choices. Mowing the lawn with any regularity at all. Reading scripture. Reading anything. 

In talking with a good friend the other night, in talking about someone else's life actually, she said that lack of discipline usually doesn't just affect one area of life. It bleeds into all areas of life. So, then the opposite must also be true: discipline leads to more discipline. If I can build a few good habits intentionally, then perhaps it will follow in other areas of my life and end up as a pretty significant change. And that would be very good.

2011: A Year in Review

This year is quickly drawing to a close, and as has become my usual habit, I thought I'd take some time to reflect on what in the world has all happened in my life. I have probably said this every year, but this year I mean it more than ever: as I get older, time only seems to go faster. Just about the time I've learned to really appreciate life, it goes to fast to even remember it.

2011 has certainly been a good year when it's all said and done, more positives than negatives surely. In fact, I feel quite blessed as I look back over the last year. 

I have successfully completed two classes at Edgewood in full-time doctoral student mode. And not only have a I finished them, I have truly falling in love with the work. I feel a certain academic sharpness returning to my brain and fingertips as I pour over articles, books, studies, and my own academic writing and presentations. And although I haven't come close to determining a dissertation topic yet, I think I will love diving into such a monumental project. Along the way, I hope to get published a time or two or invited to present at a conference or two, all in hopes of advancing my knowledge and expertise in my field to be able to serve my campus and my students better. All such things really just bring me joy. I know most people think that there must be something wrong with me to work so hard, at such a breakneck pace, but the fact of the matter is, I was created just this way, to fill my time with service to others, learning and growing along the way. 

At UD, I'm in my fourth cycle, and no two years have ever looked the same. This year, I was blessed with the addition of a co-worker in my department after flying solo for three years. Danielle has been such a wonderful addition to the department - so full of energy, fresh ideas, and a heart for students and their passions. And although this first year has been a lot of job sharing and shadowing rather than independent projects and assignments, I couldn't be more pleased. We've built a synergy that has blown the lid off of a lot of old ideas and really revolutionized how we approach a lot things on campus. I am always amazed to think that Danielle has only been out of undergrad for a year and a half. She is just so wise and steady. In my first years here, I had a fair share of meltdowns and tantrums normal to a fairly new professional, but if she ever melted down and got shaky at all, I never saw it. She is amazing, and I'm blessed to have her at my side. 

As for professional goals for the future, although still not much of a plan-maker, I can see for the first time, real possibilities for me to be a leader in higher education. As I continue through my doctoral program and various committees and leadership roles at UD, I can see real potential for myself as an administrator. Administration, even upper levels of administration, have always sort of been on my radar but maybe never really all that seriously. I struggle frequently with feeling too young, too inexperienced, to uneducated, but with each year that passes, I become, as one would, a little older, a little more experienced, and a little more educated. For the first time, deanships, vice presidencies, and even presidencies or chancellorships do not seem all that out of reach. So, I find myself, as I enter 2012, getting a little more serious about not only service to students and my campus, but also advancement opportunities for myself. Things like conference presentations and publications, professional mentor relationships, and intentional skill-building are all on the horizon for the upcoming year. The only word that adequately describes what I get to do for a living is love.

Speaking of love, my "love life" has sort of been all over the map this year, but I have spent another year without my husband's hand in mine. I dated a non-Christian 17 years my senior for several months that included several trips to Chicago, lots of fun nights out, and some pretty epic discussions on faith and values. And I didn't officially ever date a man that I ended up developing some pretty significant feelings for, but that wasn't meant to be either. And, of course, I went on a few genuinely awful blind dates, one provided by a neighbor that I am very thankful to have brought a few friends along to, one facilitated by nearly the entire UD football coaching staff on behalf of an offensive line coach who had apparently made it no secret that he was interested in me. But all in all, I can't say I'm disappointed in my experiences this year in the dating realm. With every experience, every awkward date, every heartfelt discussion, I'm learning more about myself, more about men, more about what relationships can be. And I hold on to the fact that God is far bigger than each of these experiences. He's far wiser, far better, and has a far more glorious plan for me. I have not lost hope; I have only gained a deeper more sure hope. 

My neighborhood continues to bring me surprising joy. The hodgepodge of random people that we are, we can still find common ground over summer Saturday potlucks, downtown festivals and city home tours, fire pits complete with marshmallows, and a good beer or two. Produce grows richly and is shared freely, and doors are always open. There aren't many neighborhoods left like this. People have become secluded and secretive, not looking for relationships of proximity anymore. We're not without our individual strangenesses, but we just decide to get along and enjoy each other because we're there. 

I added a few hobbies to my already crazy life, most notably of which was running. I always thought there was something different about runners than the rest of society. They were somehow more disciplined, more dedicated, maybe just more crazy than others. I was always sort of jealous of runners and the ease with which they seemed to float past, sometimes even with a smile and a wave as they went. Early this summer, I decided to try it, and as I suspected, I hated it. I made it maybe five minutes before I sulked back to the house, feeling completely defeated. But with the encouragement and direction of a friend from church, now affectionately called Coach, I tried it again, a little at a time, until I had convinced my body that it liked to run. All summer and fall, I made time to run, at first just two miles a day, then a few more, then I began to work at some distance. By late summer, I was up to almost five miles a day. Running, besides the obvious health benefits associated, has been a fantastic mental/emotional balancer. It creates the space that thoughts and emotions, especially the ones hidden somewhere down deep, need to bounce around, to expand and grow, and sometimes, just escape. 

So there you have it. A very good year indeed. As I look ahead, I'm excited about 2012. I honestly have no idea what it will hold for me. It could be as constant and steady as this year has been or it could hold big, life-altering experiences. Either way, I'm sure it will come and go with the same breakneck fury as years before, and I plan to dive in and enjoy every minute! Happy 2012 everyone!

A good/weird Christmas

I have to say that this Christmas season has been slightly strange. Christmas itself was very much like it's always been - reflective, traditional, quiet, filled with anticipation and gratitude. Minus the snow, this Christmas looked like so many Chirstmases before. I am so very thankful for Christmas. It's the season that we remember the reason for our very existence, our hope. 

Happenstancically, some strange events took place this Christmas. They would have been strange no matter the season but perhaps were made even stranger by the season. But the events of recent actually put Christmas and life in perspective a bit. They caused me to remember that I am completely human. I have ridiculous emotions and expectations. I am fickle, hard to deal with, unpredictable. So very human.

It strikes me this Christmas, as I am made completely aware of my own humanity, to what extreme God had to humble Himself, how far He had to shrink, how much of His power He had to set aside to become human, a baby no less. And although He was perfect, failing in nothing, lacking in nothing, He still experienced humanity, all of it. He got angry, was disappointed, knew joy, went hungry... He had to. How hard that must have been to decide to do...all to save us...all because He loved us.

So, although this Christmas was quite strange, it was still very good. And that, I think, is usually how it goes - hard and good things come together. It's how we grow. And that's what life is all about. From beginning to end, we grow. How lucky we are that God chose to love us. Chose to become human. All so that we could live.

Catching Up

Okay, so it's been a few months. But please don't judge! I've written more words in the last few months than I have in maybe the last few years. And although academic writing is nothing like my usual style, it seems that perhaps in my world, there is a maximum word cap per month. This term, I've written several fairly significant works in my grad program that I'm really proud of, but it seems to have left me a little quiet on the reflection side of life.

So what's been happening in my life these days anyway?

Well, there's the whole grad school thing. I love being back in school. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's been a challenge. I've lost out on sleep, social time, work time...but I've gained a new network of professionals from around Wisconsin, confidence, and the small start to a body of my own academic/professional writing. It's a little hard/great to believe that I'm officially 1/6th complete with my doctoral degree. It's just such an amazing blessing to even have the opportunity to be in school. Don't tell anyone, but I'm secretly more than a little excited to get started on my dissertation - the research, the literature, the joy!

In work, things are going so very well, too! Danielle and I are reinventing New Student Orientation one department at a time. At some point maybe I'll fill you in on all the details, but it's going to be great!

I got the chance to sing in several different Christmas performances over the past few weeks. Singing is one of those things that continues to bring me great joy. This weekend I will wrap up the Christmas singing season with both a Christmas Eve and Christmas morning song. I just love that I can touch people's hearts through something that moves us all.

The last few days have been quite strange. I've fallen into a quiet little lull. I'm between classes at Edgewood. Students at UD are on break. Church rehearsals are over. Holiday parties are pretty much done. So, at about 5:00 I roll on home, make some dinner, do a few chores, watch a little TV, and then go to bed. Then I get up, go to work, go out to lunch, and go home by 5:00. No homework, no practices, no late meetings, no work to do before the morning. Very strange. But I've been lucky enough to have a few friends to fill my nights with, something that almost never happens during busier seasons. This little lull, honestly, has made me thankful for my business. I mean, spending time with friends is wonderful! But laying around on the couch the rest of the time is obnoxious. I'd much rather be researching something, writing something, getting home late and going right to bed. It just all reminds me that I have a really great life.

A few other updates: the Gala was an extremely fun party, I met a great guy who may have already found this blog so I won't write about him yet, and I'm nearly four weeks behind in my running and I'm missing it dearly. 

And that's about it. You're all caught up.

Doctor vs. Awesome

Actual conversation with my brother last night: 

Mitch: ...I have so much going on...I have to get my party planned, get in shape, get a tan, get some new clothes...
Me: Yeah, pretty much all I've thought about lately is getting work done and school work done...
Mitch: Haha.
Me: My life is lame, but hey, I'm going to be a doctor, so I can't complain too much.

Mitch: Lol and I'm just going to be awesome.

Life is nothing short of frantic these days between long days at work and long nights at the homework. But somehow, I don't hate it. In fact, I can't say I could really imagine life any other way. What would I be doing if not all this stuff? Would I be socializing with friends more? Maybe. Would I be married with kiddos? Hard to say. Would I most likely just find another project to keep me equally busy? That sounds about right.

I do every now and then long for the days that I could just curl up on a Sunday afternoon and take a good long nap. Heck, I even find myself longing for the days that I could get enough laundry done to wear clean clothes to work. But all in all, this whole work/school=busy/life combo isn't just all that bad. 

And as for the doctor versus awesome debate, I'll let it go for now, but I'm secretly hoping that it is possible to be both doctor and awesome in the same lifetime, however if I had to choose just one, Mitch can have awesome all to himself.

Oh, and I miss you, blog friends. It has been quite some time since I've written much of anything (outside of academic writing, of course), and I've had about 400 random reflection moments that I wish I could have taken time to share with you. My guess is that many of them will come around again; they usually do, and when I get a short break from my studies (Christmas to mid-January), perhaps I'll spend some time catching up.

Stuff to Memory Ratio

Over the past few weeks/months, I have determined that there is a direct inverse relationship between the amount of stuff one deals with in life and ones ability to keep it all straight. This seems obvious, does it not? Yeah, well, it's only apparently obvious when you don't have a lot of stuff to keep track of.

Today, I missed a meeting on campus that I was supposed to be at. A three hour meeting. A three hour meeting that I had to sit through three other meetings in preparation for. A three hour meeting that I had to sit through three other meetings in preparation for that I had a fairly crucial role in.

It was on my calendar. It was in my email. It was in my paper planner. One of the preparation meetings was this past week.

And somehow, I blew it off. My excuse? I didn't have one. In fact, while I was missing the meeting, I was doing all sorts of great and relaxing things that were not work. I went for a run before the sun went down. I took a little nap to recover from the tough run. I ate some dinner, starting working on some homework, watched some TV...

I really do not like the relationship between stuff and memory. It is pretty adverse to my current situation. I've got some stuff going on. Work, school, church, friends, family... but is there a tipping point in this relationship? Is there a point where the stuff is too great and the memory too poor to be effective? And if I'm at that tipping point, how do I crawl back to the less stuff/more memory side of the teeter totter? I suppose the only logical thing to do would be to reduce the stuff. So...what to reduce? It can't really be work. It most definitely can't be school if I intend to graduate. That leaves church, friends, and family. I'm not sure I really like the sounds of reducing my commitments to any of those things. So, I suppose I will have to accept the fact that with stuff comes memory issues. And with memory issues comes mistakes like my missed meeting tonight.

God, grant me clarity, a straight brain, and the ability to deal with all the stuff. Help me reduce the stuff to be reliable, useful, and effective in all areas of my life. I want to do well to please You. I want to honor you with all the stuff rather than just doing stuff for stuff's sake. Guide me in obedience and faithfulness in everything I do.

God is bigger than that.

I've decided that God is bigger than my desire to get married. This may seem a little out of left field somewhere, but as more and more of my friends get married and have babies, and as I approach birthday "golden plus two", the topic of my singleness finds itself at the forefront of my mind more often than I'd wish it lately. 

Anyway, I've decided that I've made God too small. Although I've prayed for my husband to show up at my doorstep, I've far too often doubted that he'll ever really come. I've contemplated far too many back up plans for what I'll do if I end up alone. I've spent too many hours dreading the possibility of becoming that crazy middle aged single lady (you know the type). I've gone on far too many first dates of desperation only to end up disappointed. But no more. 

God gave me a desire in my heart to be a loving wife and mother. He built it into me. And not having found a husband is not some sort of punishment for wrongdoings or a withholding for not being faithful enough or good enough. It just is what it is. But no longer will I assume that because this is something I want, God will somehow keep it from me. No longer will I think that God can't or won't bring my husband to me. No longer will I scoff at God's assured "something far better" than my own plans. God is bigger than all of that.

Here's what I know:

God is bigger than all of my deepest desires. 

God is better at finding my husband than all of my friends' setups. 

God is wiser than all of the marital advice I've ever received. 

God knows what He's doing. 

God does not make mistakes. 

God is big. God is love. God is joy.

What does this mean for my immediate future? I surely haven't a clue. I don't feel particularly led to steer clear of dating and setups altogether. I just know that I'll be praying differently starting today than I have for years. And that's a great starting point I think.

Stop Reflecting?

Today, I was talking with a dear friend who at some point in our conversation said, "You process and reflect more than any other human I know. Maybe you should just stop processing for a while and enjoy the ride." 

Of course, you find me now processing the value and weight of this statement. Ironic. 

Over the past few weeks, as I have struggled with lots of things like human limitations, managing chaos effectively, making and recovering from mistakes and shortcomings, I have had lots of thoughts about who I wished I was or was becoming. I wished to be more even-keeled. I wished to be able to control thoughts and actions better. I wished to be more perfect in my actions to live as a good example for others. I even wished just to be older to have more life experience. 

But really, why do I want to be all of those things? Are they better per se than I what I have now? Do they make me a better person? Or will they make me react and think and act better? Probably not. They just make me different from what I am. 

God has blessed me with a wild personality. With deep-welled emotions. With random life experiences. With a great, nearly uncontrollable passion and enthusiasm. He has given me those things. He has not made a mistake in creating me. He made me just as He intended. He made me. So to wish to have things that I don't have, to long for the giftings of others, well it's just silly. 

There are reasons I act as I do...and for the most part, those reasons are good and pure. And in the times that I make mistakes, poor choices, negative reactions, well, that's human nature, and that's the very thing grace is for. God understands, or He wouldn't have created grace. 

So, no, I will probably not stop reflecting on things anytime soon. After all, that's how I was made. But I will work to stop striving so hard to be the coveted other...the things that I am not and am not created to ever be.

Getting Back Up

There is a human element to being human. I know. Surprising, right? Humans have imperfections, sinful natures, and all sorts of influences in our lives that cause us to act the way we do. 

Looking back over the past three or four weeks, I have struggled mightily with my human nature, with my sinful self, with my own imperfections. I was running along at a pretty good clip, and I fell. Took a huge digger. Face-planted into life like I meant it. (Read the past three or so entries to just get a taste of what I've been feeling, experiences, doing.) People saw it. They watched me fall. 

And here I lay, face-first on the ground (whether I wanted to be there or not) with a choice to make. How am I going to get up? Am I going to sulk, whine, and pout? Am I going to curse the ground for tripping me? Or am I going to humbly stand up, acknowledging that I fell, take a deep breath, and get back to running? 

The beauty of falling down is not necessarily in the falling. We all trip and wipe out at some point. We make mistakes. We make bad choices. We hurt others. We act out. And if, like me, you're trying to live your life as an example worth replicating, the last thing you want is for others to see that. But the beauty of the fall is that we do indeed have the choice to get back up and get up well...and that there's a sort of defining moment that takes place that allows both faller and witnesses to learn from the experience. Humility, grace and forgiveness, strength, perseverance.

Today, I'm still face down on the ground. My knees and elbows are scraped up. My face is still maybe red from embarrassment. But I've decided that I will indeed get up and try to get up well. My hands and feet are moving, ever so slowly, to a position of recovery and strength. And before I even get up off of the ground, I'm praying that there is learning happening to me and others. And that learning will continue as I continue to get up. 

And I know I don't have to get up all on my own. The gracious arms of my Father are wrapping around me, helping to pull me off the ground. And the voice that I thought even just briefly that I couldn't quite hear behind me whispers in my ear, It's okay. You can do this. It's time to get up and get back to the race. Here's the trail. Run.

Moments of Truth

Today, I nearly lost it in my faculty/staff book club. This is not a great place to lose it, as it is a group of faculty, staff, and administrators, all of which are working with and/or above me at the university. Part of the very reason I decided to be in the book club was face time with others, a partly relational, partly political decision. 

Anyway, in the book we're reading (Seven Pillars of Servant Leadership by Sipe and Frick), today's discussion centered around a person's "true north", the internal compass on which our core values rest, and "moments of truth". "Moments of truth" are those interactions you have with others that are sort of defining moments - those things that reveal our character to others through our actions. The example given was that in a particular airline corporation, customers, on average, interacted with five employees for about fifteen seconds each. But it's pretty much only those fifteen second interactions that customers base their opinion of the entire company on. Focusing on those little moments of interaction then becomes critically important to the success of the company and the satisfaction of the customers. 

This discussion has me feeling extremely convicted today as I spent most of the day in an extension of the funk that I described in my last few posts. I was grumpy, feeling overwhelmed, feeling inadequate in every way. And I took it out on students. I griped in front of them, I was upset when they made errors or even in one situation before they even made an error, I displayed a bad attitude, and I, in general, made some poor choices. 

Moment of truth. 

In a fifteen second interaction, students took note of my body language, my language, my attitude, my actions. And they learned that how I acted must be okay. After all, usually Lindsey is someone we look up to, desire to emulate, learn from...this must be okay, too. 

Not okay. 

How do I deal with this as a leader? How do I force myself to conquer a bad day, to kill it with kindness, as the phrase goes? It's a lot of pressure to never be able to have a bad day, to never be able to act out a little, to be disappointed, to feel defeated. Because frankly, some days I just do. But students continue to watch and learn. 

Aristotle said, "We are what we repeatedly do." But what if we don't want to be what we repeatedly do? What if I don't like what I find myself repeatedly doing? Human nature fights against what I consider to be some of my core values. Clearly, I am not alone in these struggles:

¹⁵ I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. ¹⁶ And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. ¹⁷ As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. ¹⁸ For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. ¹⁹ For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. ²⁰ Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.  ²¹ So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. ²² For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; ²³ but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. ²⁴ What a wretched man I am!  (Romans 7:15-24)

I struggle tonight in wanting to do well to make good choices, to live faithfully as an example worth emulating, as a reflection of Christ to the world but constantly messing it up. I know I need grace and forgiveness in my life, and that I'm not perfect and never will be, but I still feel internally tortured, knowing that I am not the great example of life I desire to be to others.

So what do I do? How do I grow? How do I become more faithful in my moments of truth?

Stormy Weather

Have you ever had to run through a really bad storm before? You know what I'm talking about, the kind of storm where the rain seems to be heading in a more horizontal direction than a vertical one. Have you ever just had to be out in one of those, even for a few seconds? 

That is what my life has been feeling like lately. All the time. 

I can't look around. My arms are covering my face for protection from the wind and rain. I'm a little bit fearful. A little bit frustrated that it won't let up. More than a little bit hurried. Things just seem to come from all sides in a relentless, tormenting sort of way that after a while just drives a person crazy. 

When you're out in storms like this, you hope for the best, that maybe you're shoes won't let your socks get so wet that you'll have to wring them out, or that you won't slip and wipe out between the front door and the car. You hope you can move faster than you usually do, as if that might keep you somewhat drier. All you can really focus on is that moment, that feeling of being out in the middle of it all, to be over. 

I started thinking today, is this depression?  But no, I am certain it is not. I've been through depression before. Depression is like a weight hung around your neck or from your heart. It's like an internal condition that you can feel, you know is there, and your decisions, your actions, your behaviors, all react based on that internal weight. My life right now, is nothing like that. It's more just like being a person caught in a rain storm with whipping winds and loud thunder and torrential rains. It's external forces acting upon me that seem to force my hand when it comes to actions, decisions, and behaviors. It makes me a little scared, a little frustrated, rushed. 

But this weekend, I found a little bit of an awning to take shelter under - a few moments of peace amidst the chaos. I ran a peaceful, joy-filled 5K and did well. I spent a day with my dearest friend shopping, eating, relaxing. And I spent this afternoon with the two people that know and love me best in the world as they helped me around the house and the yard.

You don't realize how much those quiet moments mean until you're searching for an awning while running down the street in the rain. Those moments allow us to exhale deeply, dwelling in the reminder that the entire world isn't always stuck in a rain storm. And although I know I have to get back out from under the awning and run a little further to the next one, the fact that there is a next one is enough to keep me going. 

Someday, the rains will stop, the pace will slow, the world will feel a bit less panicked and a bit more calm. This coming week, the awnings will have to be enough as I continue to stand my ground in the storm.

Filters (Or Jealousy of the Even-Keeled)

I have had a few bad days in a row at work. Things have frankly just been awful. It seems I can do nothing right. I blow budgets, screw up paperwork processes I've gotten right for years, send out emails incorrectly, miss important phone calls...you get the idea.

And to pile frustration on top of frustration, campus technology issues still plague all that work there, whether it be a slow network, email clients force-quitting countless times a day, laptop hardware issues...things aren't going well. 

All those things together make for a very tense and grumpy Lindsey. And what I have learned, okay, maybe knew all along...what has been exacerbated greatly by the constant dwelling at the end of a rope, is my complete lack of filters to be able to handle things appropriately. Most people would take a little walk, ask calm questions to find reasonable answers, just keep fighting through... Me? I yell...at my boss, at our secretary, at random students. I send inappropriate emails to departments that seem to be the cause of my most miserable state. I cry a little. I fly off the handle, throw a temper tantrum, then yell some more. 

I am not an angry person. I don't have a lot of pent up anxiety or frustrations that I carry with me for days, weeks, years. I am generally full of joy. I consider myself an optimist, for Pete's sake! But when I'm at the end of my rope, I lose control. I can't help but type up a nasty letter in my email and hit send immediately. 

And it's times like these that I look around and see normally functioning adults not doing this as a general rule. Colleagues can sit calmly and have a quiet conversation about the situation at hand while I stand over my boss's desk and throw papers at him. Coworkers can ride out the storm, remaining action oriented and solutions focused while I shoot down every suggestion they may make. 

And frankly, I'm jealous. I'm jealous of whatever filter they have that I lack. The I-won't-blow-up-at-that filter. It's a simple even-keeledness that keeps people from freaking out, that holds their tongues and send-button-pushing-index-fingers back even if they may want to use them. I am not even-keeled. And the last two days, I've really been the very antithesis of  even-keeledness...not a single level-headed moment has come from me in two days. 

Yesterday, on my run, I started to ask God to teach me to be tempered, even, smooth, moderate...but then I stopped and took it all back. When people pray for patience, what does God give them? Situations to practice patience. When people ask for the ability to forgive wrongs, what does God show them? A few more wrongs to forgive. So, noooo, no. No thanks. I do not want to ask for temperance. Not if it means that I will be given more situations to practice such a skill. I don't want to ask for even-keeledness, unruffledness, moderation...because it seems to me that God will certainly provide me with ample opportunities to learn it if I do. And based on my performance over the last two days, I don't necessarily think it's a learnable skill for me. I'll just remain jealous of those that have the ability and rely on them to deal with things when they get really thick. 

(Okay, so I realize that I'm becoming unreasonable here at the end. I really do want to learn these skills. I know several people who are absolutely gifted in this skill, and I need to ask them about it to see if I can learn a thing or two. And, because I know I need to, I will reinstate my retracted prayer for help in this area. Even if I really don't want to have to practice it any more.)

Blame Facebook

Tonight, I accidentally got into the beginnings of an epic debate of the future of our nation that all stemmed from the recent changes to the look and functionality of the popular social media mogul, Facebook. If you have your own Facebook profile, you know that with each round of changes comes a rash of complaints, cheers, lovers and haters...Okay, so actually it just brings out the whiners and gripers that have nothing better to do than grouse about how awful change is and how ridiculous the new changes are...right up until they get used to them and accept them as the new normal. 

But I digress. 

Tonight, one of my friends posted a little we-hate-Facebook bumper sticker (for lack of a better term) on her wall. For you non-Facebookers, the wall is your space to tack anything you'd like. Everybody has one. Everyone posts status updates about what they're doing, what they like, what they hate, what they think is beautiful, ugly, or cute. Think of it as a public front-of-my-refrigerator but with WAY more insignificant, random, and cluttered stuff all over it. 

Now, where was I? Oh yeah...

So, my friend posted this we-hate-Facebook thing as a reaction to the most recent unveiling of terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad changes. And I simply responded to some of her thoughts on some of the specific changes by saying something to the effect of: I think the most recent changes are in reaction to the sad reality of American youth's current state. The page looks the way it does to satisfy the younger generation's insatiable need for constant and multiple instantaneous inputs of data as their attention spans continue to be programmed into nearly nothing... (I may have gone on to say a little more here.)

And since it was on my friend's wall, one of her friends saw it and responded to me (despite our having absolutely no association with each other whatsoever) with something to the effect of: Sad reality? The only "sad" reality here is that our younger generation has created and organized information at rates never dreamed of by previous generations. And frankly, if the previous generation had spent more time on Facebook, maybe I wouldn't be paying so much in taxes and health care costs today. God bless this new generation for their advances. They will save this world. 

A little dramatic, even for me. 

But, not being able to resist the urge for a good solid debate, I, of course, responded. Well, if you call Facebook content "information"... I won't pretend to not frequent and even enjoy social media innovations such as Facebook and Twitter, but I work with college students for a living, and there are countless studies about the negative effects of technology, social media, etc. on how we function as individuals that are downright terrifying. Students are losing the ability to read, write, effectively verbally communicate, think critically, focus on any one thing for any duration of time, imagine... Sure, we may be creating information at a rapid rate, but what good will it do us if we lose the ability to analyze it?

And then, our poor mutual friend, an innocent bystander in the crossfire of civil discourse on generational implications of social media, took us off of her proverbial fridge. She'd had enough. And she probably regretted ever complaining about Facebook changes to begin with. But neither of the stranger-debaters were quite done. Oh, no. We each needed some sort of final word, a wrap-up justification for our online outbursts. I started it, I would surely finish it. So, I write on her wall asking why she took it down. I ensured her that I was being civil to this stranger that she knew and that there were no hard feelings, just a really good debate. And the stranger responded immediately: It's really too bad. I've got facts to back up my points all night long. Really sir? Now we're maybe losing a little civility. But in the effort to get the last word, I said: The tempting hook! We could battle with reports and data all night long (though I think we're probably actually talking about two different issues altogether), but I'll pass tonight. If we knew each other, it would be ON, but I'll try not to clutter this wall with anything else tonight. ;)

I stand by my points, as I'm sure this stranger also does, but I find it ironic that I was willing to pour so very much energy into such points regarding a few simple rearrangements of items on a social media site. And, not only was I, but so was another person. 

I blame my work, my relationships with students that back up current data with practical experience. 

I blame my passion of student issues.

I blame that random guy for egging me on. 

I blame Facebook.

When Life Finds You

Lately, I have taken note of some things that, at first glance, it looks like I have done, that I have discovered, that I have made for myself. Because as I continue to examine these things, I have come to find that many of them, I have not found at all. They've found me. 

Running is the most real example of a part of life that has found me. For those of you who have known me for any amount of time at all, you've probably heard me utter the phrase, There's really only two good reasons to run as far as I'm concerned. I'm either really late or something's chasing me. What happened to that attitude? Where did that philosophy go? One day, I just woke up and started running (slowly and painfully)...and I've found in a few short weeks a love for the sport, and maybe even a talent for it.

Running was definitely not in the forefront of my mind for this summer. In fact, it wasn't even on my radar. It was a foreign concept that I only associated with pain, injury, and a special brand of insanity that I saw in some of my mega-running friends. So, I cannot claim that I found running. Running found me. And it found me at the very time that I would need to focus on health and balance, a time that I would need a distraction from the business and craziness of a very full life. 

I think graduate school falls into this same category. What are the odds that a person can get accepted to both a full-time masters and doctoral program that one, did not require GRE scores to get in, and two, allowed me to work full-time while studying. I am fully convinced that education has found me. 

Even some of my friendships have found me at the very times that I have needed them or they have needed me. 

I don't consider this fate or happenstance or pleasant coincidences. This is God at work. This is a God that desires joy for my life, that wants my heart to be happy. And although I pursue Him and His will for my life, I still find that He surprises me by giving me unexpected joys. This year, more than any before, I am recognizing the gifts, even the little gifts that God gives to me, even when I'm not necessarily looking for them, and my heart is truly grateful for the many unexpected and beautiful gifts.

Having it All

Today, I set up an interesting lunch scenario which ended up with a very interesting question asked of me.

Lately, I've wanted to be intentional with the limited time I have with my close friends. In an effort to do that, today I brought a friend to lunch with a list of questions I wanted to know of her. They were questions like, When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? and Have you learned anything new about yourself in the last year? 

And after all of my questions were answered, on our walk back to the office, I was asked, What do you hope to learn in the next year? What do I hope to learn? Well...umm....

There are certainly things I plan to learn this year. I am a grad student after all. I will undoubtedly learn about my field, about research procedures, about students. And although those are important things to learn, I'm not sure those are things that I really want to learn....have a real desire to learn. I will probably learn more about balancing life, school, work, relationships...something that I've been learning for the past eight years or so. But I think what I've determined I really want to learn is how to have it all. I know that maybe sounds smug, but that's what I want to learn. I want to learn how to enjoy life; how to be intentional with time, with my relationships; how to balance time, hobbies, things I enjoy; how to get a lot of work done, a lot of homework done, a lot of cleaning, gardening, cooking, reading, running....

It sounds impossible right? Well, I want to learn about how to make it possible. And I want to do it all with joy. I think it is possible. And that's what I want to learn about this year.

All in all, my lunch today with my friend was amazingly enjoyable. We talked about all sorts of questions that helped me get to know her and her get to know me with intention, with purpose. We laughed, reflected, sighed with contentment. This lunch was the kick-off party to living with intention and learning how to really have it all. Who wants to learn along with me?

When I'm 28...

With my 28th birthday coming up just around the corner, I took some time to reflect while running in the rain tonight, on what I want to do, see, be at 28.

When I'm 28, I want to dress like I'm 28. I have no earthly clue what that means, but I want to figure it out. I want to look nice at work, look fun on the weekends, look put together always. I don't want to wear things too big, too small, to long, to tight...I want to be classic, stylish, but not too trendy. I may need a personal shopper and a big birthday present to pull this one off.

When I'm 28, I want to be healthy. Really healthy. Not obsessive, gross-looking healthy, just really healthy. I started running this summer (and completely love it). I want to keep on running, more and more often. I want to go to every yoga class possible. I want to stay away from junk food and embrace fresh foods. I want to glow. I want to be hot. I want to feel really good about myself.

When I'm 28, I want to BE love. I don't just want to act with love, or look a little like love. I want to BE love, all the time, with everyone. I want to be thoughtful, share joy, surprise people. I want to be a reflection of Jesus' love in the world.

When I'm 28, I want to be the very best me. It's going to be a great year. :)

Running mantra for the night...

Tonight, I decided to slip home just before sunset to try to get a run in. This running this is really catching hold of me. I seriously love it. But tonight, I decided that since I didn't have much time before the sun went down, I'd try to run a shorter distance faster than I had before. 

Toward the end, I was getting pretty tired, and I could feel myself beginning to slow down. But just as that started to happen, I began to think, Persistence. Form. Trust. 

Persistence: Your brain will always take your body further than your body can go. Push yourself. Conveniently, this is also a great mantra for life - persist through the tough parts because there will be better days ahead. 

Form: When I get tired in a run, I find that I get sloppy. My arms start to flail side to side, I kick my own ankles, my feet hit the ground funny. This is how bodies get sore. This is how injuries happen. So, when I am at my weakest, that's when I need to focus on form the most. Strangely, this is also true in life. When the going is good, good form is pretty easy to come by. In tough times, it's easy to get grouchy, mean, short with people. Tough times are when it's most important to have and keep good form. 

Trust: Sometimes I find it hard to trust my own body on a run. What if I can't make it that far? What if my legs get sore or my shins suffer? What if I have to walk home? But the worries are, so far, unfounded. My body always gets me home. I can make it as far as I am willing to persist. So far, my legs have held up just fine. Trusting in my own abilities, my own strength is important. I was made to do this right now (sounds a little like life, too, come to think of it). So, I just need to trust that I can. 

Persistence. Form. Trust. Good for running. Good for life.

Dare I Say...

Tomorrow marks the half way point of August. There's lots of work to be done, and lots of big things happening on campus yet this month. But dare I say, I'm doing more than just surviving August this year. I'm finding that I'm actually enjoying it! I'm at work a lot. I even worked most of today...a Sunday. I'm not bothered. 

I'm finding myself proud of what I'm able to accomplish and shrugging off some of the things I'm not. Today, I finished a nightmare of a bus logistics schedule for a trip for 440 or so students and faculty. Finished it. I was pumped! My email is not a mountain, maybe just a molehill. Yay! My car's kind of full of random work junk. So what. My house is untidy. Such is life. My lawn needs mowing. Maybe tomorrow. My office can still be traversed from door to chair and back. A big plus. I'm eating well and working out more than once a week. Big deals, really. 

Looking back of the past three Augusts that I have just barely squeezed through alive, all the terribly long days with short, sleepless nights, starving my way from day to day, missing meals and other such good-for-me things that should not be ignored, I am quite pleased with my ever-so-gradual learning curve finally catching up. 

Those that came before me gave up far too soon. They got tired. I have somehow hit my second wind. I'm not tired. In fact, maybe I'm better than I was when I began. I've grown, matured, learned a thing or two. 

So, here's to a fantastic August. One with no whining, no tears, no temper tantrums. One with some fun, some health, undoubtedly some extra coffee, and a little indulgence here and there. What a joy, what a surprise, what an August!

Running could be...

Running could be a great personal challenge to take on at this point in my life. Not that I necessarily need another challenge. For most people, working 60 hours a week; going to grad school full-time; trying to participate in church, relationships, and home would probably be challenge enough. But I happen to think that pursuits and challenges feed off of one another. The more that's in front of me, the more I seem to be able to accomplish. 

Running could be a great physical adventure. I like to push my body and see what it can do. I love yoga, mountain hiking, and volleyball for the same reasons. How far can I go? How consistent can I be? How many days, weeks, months, years can I maybe keep this habit up?

Running could be wonderful prayer and thought time. I'm finding even early on in my attempt at becoming a runner that my mind wanders from one topic to another, thinking about things that are current, troublesome, joy-filled... And I find myself drifting in and out of prayers, thanking God for relationships in my life, then recalling funny things my friends say; telling God my worries and fears, then deciding how I might best tackle them; asking God for things my heart desires, then pondering into the future about what my life might look like over the next few years. 

Running could be very representative of life struggles. As I strive for another few minutes at a time, all I can muster right now, I can't help but think of the tough times that lie ahead of me in school and at work, and there will certainly be some. Running can easily represent those hard things. And if I can push through another minute on the trail, then I know somehow I can push through another day of craziness in the office. And on the days I don't really want to run, I get up and do it anyway because sometimes that's just how life works. 

Running could be a real pain in the legs. There's a reason I haven't run before now. And that reason in my shins. They always seem to revolt upon the very thought of running, jogging, or even briskly walking with any sort of consistency at all. A flat arch and some tiny legs have certainly always been to blame. But, in all honesty, I could get three weeks into this running thing and have to give up completely because my legs just won't sustain such a lifestyle choice. And if that's the case, then I'll have to move on to something else. What, you ask? I haven't a clue. I've tried P90X, and I got sick of watching the tapes. I do yoga, but usually only once a week. Volleyball is seasonal and a minimal workout on our team's best days. Running just seems a natural choice, especially when the goal is to tackle something consistently that I can dual purpose with thought/prayer time and intentionality. 

Running could be, at this point, either a really good or really bad idea. We'll know for sure in a few weeks' time when I've either fallen in love or abandoned it completely.

Thoughts on Being the Baby

It has been a rare occasion that I have been the true baby of a group. In grade school, I fell fairly middle-of-the-pack due to my fall birth date. I was briefly one of the younger ones in my first job, but we were all within a few months. In my grad program at UWL, we were all close with a few exceptions on the older scale. But I found out today, that not only am I the youngest student in my doctoral program, I am the youngest by multiple years. I am the baby of the whole group. 

In my cohort, there are fifteen students. In three total cohorts this year, there are around forty-five of us. We were all in a room together for three days. Walking in on day one, I saw the few familiar faces from my interview and a whole room of people from all walks of life that I had never seen before. I was nervous. So was everyone else. I couldn't help but think that I must be one of the youngest. Others were worried about how they were certainly the oldest. We're all a little curious how we're being perceived, judged, analyzed by other students and the faculty. 

As the baby, even before it was confirmed that I was indeed so, I found some of my normal actions became things that I was a little self-conscious of. When my shoes came off and I found "indian style" the most comfortable seating arrangement, I suddenly glanced around and noticed all the other professionals in the room with their shoes clearly still on their feet which were clearly still on the ground. I twirled my hair and thought of the noticeable critical mass of mom-cuts surrounding me. 

I think there's great value in having such varied perspectives in one program. I think I'm at the biggest advantage as the newest professional - so much to learn from the experts. But I can still offer a lot, too! I know cool technologies like Prezi that I can wow my classmates with and make them all seem really hip and with it with their colleagues. I can bring endless energy, heart, and freshness. I can bring just a touch of crazy. 

Baby or not, this doctoral thing is going to be a lot of fun...a lot of hard work...a lot of frustration...a lot of research...a lot of fun. And I'm awfully excited about it.

First Day of School Jitters

Yesterday was my first day of school. And although this is something like my twenty-first first day of school, it seems they all begin the same. With jitters. Nerves. Anxiety. This first day of school was no exception. In fact, as I left my dad's cousin's house (where I'm staying while in Madison) I thought I actually might be sick. I was sweating, antsy. On my way to school, at first, I was just dwelling in the anxiety. But the drive was short, so I couldn't dwell for long. So, as I pulled up to the building, I began a little self-talk to try to pep myself up. You're just as smart as everyone in this program. You deserve to be here. You got into the program just like everyone else. 

But what I found when I got there was a room full of people that all had to do the same thing. They were all nervous too! People from all walks of life, all experience levels, all ages, all nervous. And for some reason, that little fact in itself makes everyone feel a little better. 

Despite the initial jitters, I am so excited for this journey. I am excited, believe it or not, to do an extended period of research on a topic I enjoy. I'm excited to get to know my cohort group. It's going to be a tough, long, quick, fun journey. And I am so ready for it.

Just an Idea

Is it just a girl thing? Or do guys do it, too? Or is it maybe just a me thing? Single gals, you may need to chime in and comment here to set me straight.

This has happened on more than one occasion. I have begun to "fall in love" with the idea of someone....someone, in fact, that I have never met. I have seen a picture or two, heard a story once or twice, and there I tumble. The daydreams begin. As does the googling. The looking for just one more photo. The hoping for another story. 

I don't plan to ever meet this man of my imaginary dreams. I won't ever even probably ask to. It would probably be far to disappointing to meet the actual man after building a fictitious one in my mind. 

Do all women do this? Well, the single ones at least? Are we supposed to grow out of this phase at some point? The looking longingly at his first name. Sneaking his last name behind your name just one time. Dreaming of hopelessly romantic proposals and weddings. Imagining Christmases with the family. 

Sorry if this post is really strange. Every woman I know that reads this is probably shaking their head in bewilderment wondering how in the world I got to be so strange. And if that's the case, well, at least I'm going down honestly. 

And in an only slightly related note, where in the world is the real man that will make my heart melt in reality rather than in dreamland? How do I go about finding him outside of my imagination? Twenty-seven years, and I still don't think I've come anywhere close to figuring this out. 

And in truly unrelated news, on Wednesday, I start school one more time. I have first-day jitters worse than the first day of middle school tonight already. Time to prepare for another great adventure!

Living Off the Land

What exactly is so very satisfying about living off of the land? I mean really? 

Last night after work, I went out to the garden, picked three summer squash, a large hand full of peas, a half a dozen onions, and an entire ice cream bucket full, no overflowing, with green beans. I couldn't even wipe the goofy grin off my face walking back toward the house with armloads of fresh food. 

Some of the neighbors were out in the backyard, and I couldn't wait to share the bounty with them. I told them to take whatever they'd like, and Mike promptly started pulling things out of my container. "What's this?" he'd ask. Summer squash? You've never seen that before? Weird. "Can I have some of these?" I did start with instructions to take whatever they'd like, right? Then Karen started to scold him for taking too much. As if more isn't going to grow. That silly contented grin just kept creeping in. 

Late into the evening, I washed green beans and snipped ends and bagged them up, and somewhere in there, I cooked up some peas that were still growing just minutes earlier. And tonight, I blanched and froze up all of those wonderful little beans while roasting up some summer squash for dinner. 

I don't have this kind of love affair with store bought vegetables, you know. I don't eat only vegetables multiple meals in a row. I don't giddily rush home to get to other chores. I don't risk bug bites, ticks, bird poop...for almost anything. But this time of year, when the whole garden is in bloom, it's all I can do to not go out and just watch it grow...to not seek out something to pick, pull, or pluck every single night. 

I think I may have to expand this living off the land thing and figure out how to do even more of it, for the very joy of digging in the dirt, witnessing things grow, sharing with loved ones, and eating well!

Risk and Reward (a.k.a. Passion-Gap Containers)

Why do we have hobbies? What makes a person pursue something that is just for pleasure (whether or not it actually appears to be pleasurable) even at great personal risk, effort, and time? And how do we get to our hobbies? Some people settle into quilting, classic cars collecting, model building while others are attracted to racing, sky diving, triathlons... 

This year, I spent hours working out to get into shape for my trek out West with my dad to hike in the Rockies, then rode fifteen hours in a truck to get there. Then, for four days, I allowed five 14,000-foot peaks kick my butt as I tried to conquer them one by one....as a hobby. 

Prior to this year, I never really stopped to think of how risky such a hobby was. For three years now, we've been driving to various locations around Colorado, hiking for a week or so fairly uneventfully (a great time with great memories), then driving on back. But this year, there was a series of events that made me stop cold in my tracks and really think about what it was that we were doing. 

For the most part, we had a beautiful week to hike, and the peaks we had selected were within our ability levels. We had proper equipment, food, and hydration with us, a GPS preloaded with maps for all of the trails, good shoes, and layers of warm clothing as we usually do. But on the second day of hiking, I saw a story on the local news of some missing hikers. You hear of this sort of thing from time to time, and I've heard stories from other hikers on summits of injuries, lost hiking partners, instantaneous blizzards or lightning storms, but nothing ever hit as close to home as the story on the news. 

A father and daughter hiking pair went out hiking on Wednesday, June 22 for a day hike up Missouri Mountain, a hike that would normally take somewhere between eight and twelve hours to complete. They were considered expert hikers with several years experience, and even some published articles on safety equipment and trail safety. At the end of the day, the hikers did not come down. They did not go back to their vacation home in town for dinner. They did not text or call loved ones. They didn't come back the next day either. Or the next. After three days, the ex-wife and mother of the hikers became concerned. So did the daughter's boyfriend. Finally, after five days, a search was started in the Collegiate Peaks Wilderness, an area that encompasses 167,584 acres of mountainous terrain, dense forest, and eight peaks over 14,000-feet. Helicopters, hiking teams, dogs, friends, and family all searched in vain for six or seven days. On Saturday, the bodies of the hikers were both found, 500 feet from the trail they were supposed to be on on Missouri Mountain, and only a few miles from the trailhead they started from. From Mount Belford's trail, my dad and I watched the helicopter land on a small flat space near some snow fields to pick up the last of the active search crews. News reports today indicate that they could have fallen as much as 2,000 feet from near the summit of Missouri. 

And if that wasn't enough, we also heard on Saturday that a woman fell to her death on Mount Princeton on Thursday, a peak that we had tackled just the day before. 

This is not some simple sport, not just something people pick up once a year or on the weekends for kicks. It's dangerous. Every peak offers life-threatening opportunities at many turns...exposed cliffs and walls, slippery scree fields, disappearing trails... So why do we do it? Why do we keep making plans and getting in shape and buying equipment, investing time, money, blood, sweat, and tears to go out and participate in the great risks that are clearly present? Something in us is designed for hobbies. Some place in us where passions meet irrationality. Where pursuits become personal vendettas against things that never did anything to us in the first place. Where your gut tells you, Yeah! Keep going! and your brain promptly agrees.

There are places in our lives where we get to pour passions, gifts, and abilities. For many, careers are the receptors. For many, it's family and children. For others its volunteering and serving others. For some of us, it's all of the above. But there are voids, gaps, where we still have passions leftover, gifts and abilities going unused. We seek out containers for the passion gaps, something with which to catch where those parts of us ooze out when left alone. Some seek out creative things, others things to get dirty and messy, still others to be able to just let loose and be free, some need a thrill or a rush, some a personal challenge.... And as these passion gap containers fill up with the drips of our gifts, passions, and abilities, we can peer into them and learn a little more about ourselves.

This week, I learned that although stubborn and bullheaded, I do have a cautious side. Ultimate freedom is too much for me. Boundaries, fences, and trails are good...even if they need to be pushed and challenged. They keep me focused. I learned that pushing myself expands my abilities and gifts to areas that I didn't even know they could be. Are those lessons worth the present risks? Because every hobby has risks...whether it's pricking a finger with a sewing needle, bug bites from the garden plot, a scraped knee falling off a bike, a parachute not opening with the ripcord... We were wired to seek out hobbies in order to seek out who we were created to be...making the risk completely worth the reward in every endeavor.

Be careful what you wish for...

I do not know the origins of the phrase, "Be careful what you wish for!" But lately, that phrase has been ringing truer than usual in my life in a number of situations.

The other night, I went on a blind date of sorts - a set up by my next door neighbor. My neighbors are wonderful people who I adore and am very thankful for. But when a neighbor tries to set you up with someone (they've never met), one should not always accept the offer. But I guess I did invite it. I tell all people that know me well that if they know of people that I might get along with, they should introduce us. Perhaps some people are a better judge of personalities than others.  (Long story short, the blind date did not go well...at all. We each brought several friends out for drinks so it was at least low key. But I got a text the following day asking if the friend I brought with me might be interested in a call from him. Neat. And she would not.) I need to be far more careful what I wish for!

At work, I'm getting a new assistant director to help me out with Student Activities. Awesome! But that means that in the next few weeks, I have to figure out how to hire, train, and get fully functioning a whole person...and myself. I can't even get myself organized for the fall most years! I am so very grateful for finally getting the help I so desperately need. I have no idea how I'm going to get everything done before students come back. Lesson learned - I need to be careful what I wish for! 

I'm leaving on vacation in a few days. I love vacation. I love seeing my mom for a few days and my dad for a few days. (No, they're not divorced. We just like to do different stuff together.) I love the challenge of climbing to the tops of mountains and the relaxation of shopping and girl-time. Work is tragically busy right now. I have publications coming out of my ears. I'm way behind. But I want this vacation. Looks like I'll be dragging mass quantities of work along with me to Colorado. Oh, and my house needed some major cleaning before it would meet minimum-mom-standards...so that's what I got to do tonight. Okay, I get it! I guess I should be careful what I wish for! 

This summer is shaping up to be one of the busiest, craziest, most wonderful summers ever. I'm excited, thrilled, calm, tense, and through it all, in remarkably good spirits. I have to keep reminding myself that I indeed did ask for much of what I'm experiencing this summer. I wanted a garden, thus I need to commit to weeding and keeping it nice and canning or freezing everything once it's ready. I wanted some help in the office, so I need to figure out how to get them here and give them a great experience. I want a husband, so I need to learn to take the bad with the good all as a part of the process...either that or figure out how to find him all by myself. 

Perhaps the lesson, "Be careful what you wish for!" is really code for, "For every decision you make, there is a consequence. You're going to have to deal with that." :)

Like a fight with a boyfriend...

The past few weeks at the university have been tough to say the very least. It's been a lot like being in a fight with a boyfriend. There has been frustration at every turn, and I walk away from this week feeling defeated. 

First, after playing middleman between Admissions, the Registrars Office, and Technology. The reason for me being in the middle? Well, mainly because it was all my idea. (What idea, you're asking yourself...it doesn't really matter.) But I ended up smack in the middle, and the only way my brilliant idea was going to take off was for me to stay right there doing tasks that I frankly had no business doing. But, I took it as sort of a challenge, and I went about my additional work willingly and with a smile. But today, out of left field, it all came crashing down. One part of the department triangle decided that what we were doing can't be done, then the other starting asking all sorts of questions, and then it all collapsed. We would just no longer do what we were doing. The end. Crushing. I worked so hard for that, and one person can just cabosh it? Just like that? 

And then there was the whole issue of my personal reimbursement. I purchased a significant amount of Visa gift cards with my own credit card for a student organization (about as much as my entire monthly paycheck). It launched an entire barrage of questions about the legalities of the whole thing and requests for more and more information, none of which I could really provide, at least not on solid truth. I tried my dutiful best to get that information, I really did. At first, the entire reimbursement was delayed a week (reminder: about as much as I get paid in a month), then it was agreed that I would receive a portion. Then the rest was delayed for three more terrifying, terrible weeks. I will receive the last of it tomorrow, but not without a whole armload of scoldings and warnings. So, even though I didn't do anything wrong, I certainly felt like I did in the end. 

I feel terrible about how these weeks have gone. I love what I do, and I love where I get to do it. But the past few weeks challenged that love in a real way and caused me to question why and how I do some things. I no longer maintain a blind faith that my campus will always take care of me and have my best interest (or students' best interest for that matter) in mind. There is a new layer of skepticism that I don't want to be there, but as a matter of self-preservation, it will probably have to remain for a while. 

Like a fight with a boyfriend, the past few weeks have left me with some open wounds that I'll have to continue to deal with. It lingers much longer than just these weeks. I'm very glad that I will only have to make it through a half a day more this week. I need some healing time this weekend in order to gear up for next week.

Ahead and Behind

Can someone please explain to me how I can simultaneously feel so far ahead and so far behind on things lately? And not just a few things. It seems like everything is suspended in this weird cosmic taffy pulling machine. 

I've been seemingly cruising along nicely in all things New Student Orientation - getting a theme to the University Relations folks, setting up the schedule, making plans to change things from last year, getting quotes and contracts tidied up... But then I stop and think about all there is to do yet - completing said contracts, working out the kinks in my budget, getting training planned for the mentors, getting faculty and staff on board, planning meal menus and traffic flow patterns and information delivery methods...Oh how very much there is yet to do! 

And the same ahead/behind theory applies to my home and personal life, too. I've got my garden planted and veggies springing up everywhere, but I don't have a single herb in a planter or my flowerbeds weeded. I managed to mow but not trim this weekend. The laundry's clean and folded but all over the living room floor. See what I mean? Ahead and behind. 

And well beyond simple and mundane tasks, the theory seems to still hold true. Look at all I've accomplished already in life! I joke frequently about getting to live three times the amount of life that everyone else does just because I pack so much in. And it's a wonderful life if I do say so myself. I'm not even thirty and somehow I've found the career path that I plan to stick with in one form or another, I have a house that I love, I (usually) can pay all of my bills and live a fiscally competent life, and I am about to embark on the educational journey of completing my doctorate degree. But there are, several things that I feel have been left far behind, for one reason or another. My ability to build and maintain healthy, strong, lasting relationships with others (friends and loves) always seems to suffer to one cause or another. 

Perhaps the solution to this whole mess is that I take a break or slow down on some of the things I'm so very ahead on in order to play catch up with the things I've fallen behind on. Simple concept in theory, right? Somehow I think that if it was that simple, I would have already figured it out by now... 

Post-Non-Rapture Funk

I did not believe the rapture was coming yesterday. Not even for a second. However, having a publicly professed rapture date by some "prophet" that thought he really knew what was up, did lend itself to some interesting conversations in the neighborhood. For instance, everyone assumed that I would be the only one to go on our street. That may indeed be true, but how did they arrive at this conclusion? Are they all that sure of their own fates of being condemned without life with Jesus? It seems to me a very sad account of life, but I suppose then that they wouldn't necessarily believe in any sort of judgement or rapture at all, so maybe it's not so sad for them. 

At one point last night, I had said something to the effect of, "If Jesus is coming back, I'll be with him," and the seventeen year old son of my neighbors said, "Well, isn't that thinking awfully highly of yourself." Well, no, it's not. I am just confident in my standing with Jesus. I know that I'll be in heaven someday and certainly by nothing I've done on my own, but by the grace of God.

However, today I find myself in a bit of a post-non-rapture funk. I woke up this morning convinced it was Monday. I mean fully convinced. The first thought on my mind as I heard my alarm (set for workday wake up time) was that my polo for work was still in the washing machine, so I promptly got up, went downstairs, and put the wash in the dryer. My next thought was that I had agreed to be at work a little early to finish up a project that didn't get done before the end of the day Friday, so I hurried myself up to get through the shower quicker than usual. Then I was mad at myself for not buying candy that I knew I needed for work. Then I started making mental notes of how many copies of things I needed to make for my morning meeting, if my credit card had enough room for some office purchases I'd be making, and things I needed to email my boss. All very Monday-like behavior. But I had this weird nagging thought in the back of my mind that something didn't feel quite right. What was it? Finally, out of habit, I checked my phone to see what time it was. There, right on the main screen was "Sunday, May 22, 2011." Earth-rocking moment. I hadn't been to church yesterday. I hadn't had a whole weekend. It was indeed only Sunday. 

So even though I feel like I'm in a bit of a funk from the non-rapture day yesterday, I also feel like I've been given a bit of a bonus day to fill with whatever I'd like. For now, the plans include mowing, folding laundry, and planting a few flowers around the yard.

On Being a Dubuquer

Today, after living in Dubuque for two years, I finally became official. For the first time really, I did some very "Dubuque" things. Some things, I've done before, and in and of themselves, are not particularly Dubuque-like, but when you put them with everything I did today, they were certainly a very Dubuquian sequence of events. 

Last night, I found myself at a concert at the clock tower downtown. I haven't done that before. It was a pretty good band and the atmosphere was pretty cool, people just hanging out every old place. After that, a quick stop at the Busted Lift, where of course, a friend and I run in to the same retired ER doctor that we had run into the last time we were there. Then it was a leisurely night at home in the 'hood with the neighbors just enjoying the night and the company. 

Somehow, this morning, the neighborhood gang had all decided that we would get up and go to the farmers' market together. And why not? This is one of those things that doesn't appear to be so specifically Dubuque-like, but after some wandering around the market, we did what only Dubuquers can do after the market - we went to the Sunrise Cafe for breakfast. Now this, I've never done. Great, funky little diner that I'd go back to if given the opportunity. 

After the diner, we went to Bluff Street and did a little shopping: Brew Haus (for neighborhood homebrew supplies), Calico Bean Market, a vintage place, a local artisan shop, a furniture store. Then, what else is there to do but ride the Fenlon Place Elevator for a single dollar to the top. And while we're at the top, why not start the old home tour? So, to the old home tour we all went and saw five amazingly old and lovely homes around town. It was full of not only history and stories of renovations and riches and families but little kid lemonade stands, wonderfully kind old people, and a perspective of town on foot never experienced before. 

And if that wasn't all enough adventure for the day, the neighborhood crew continued on to the Art Fair downtown. Then finally back home to Frog Hill, the community that brought us all together in the first place. 

Here's the thing I learned about being a Dubuquer: it doesn't matter what type of person you are, we can all be Dubuquers. At every event, I saw quite the mishmash of people - hippies, families, truckers, country boys, prim and proper old ladies... Somehow at Dubuque events, everyone fits in. No one is left out. This weekend has made me realize just how much I love this town. In fact, I almost bought a t-shirt that read: I fleur-de-lis Dubuque (like I Dubuque, but just a different symbol, you know)...Okay, so maybe you just need to be from Dubuque to get it. :)