Thursday, September 22, 2011

Filters (Or Jealousy of the Even-Keeled)

I have had a few bad days in a row at work. Things have frankly just been awful. It seems I can do nothing right. I blow budgets, screw up paperwork processes I've gotten right for years, send out emails incorrectly, miss important phone calls...you get the idea.

And to pile frustration on top of frustration, campus technology issues still plague all that work there, whether it be a slow network, email clients force-quitting countless times a day, laptop hardware issues...things aren't going well. 

All those things together make for a very tense and grumpy Lindsey. And what I have learned, okay, maybe knew all along...what has been exacerbated greatly by the constant dwelling at the end of a rope, is my complete lack of filters to be able to handle things appropriately. Most people would take a little walk, ask calm questions to find reasonable answers, just keep fighting through... Me? I yell...at my boss, at our secretary, at random students. I send inappropriate emails to departments that seem to be the cause of my most miserable state. I cry a little. I fly off the handle, throw a temper tantrum, then yell some more. 

I am not an angry person. I don't have a lot of pent up anxiety or frustrations that I carry with me for days, weeks, years. I am generally full of joy. I consider myself an optimist, for Pete's sake! But when I'm at the end of my rope, I lose control. I can't help but type up a nasty letter in my email and hit send immediately. 

And it's times like these that I look around and see normally functioning adults not doing this as a general rule. Colleagues can sit calmly and have a quiet conversation about the situation at hand while I stand over my boss's desk and throw papers at him. Coworkers can ride out the storm, remaining action oriented and solutions focused while I shoot down every suggestion they may make. 

And frankly, I'm jealous. I'm jealous of whatever filter they have that I lack. The I-won't-blow-up-at-that filter. It's a simple even-keeledness that keeps people from freaking out, that holds their tongues and send-button-pushing-index-fingers back even if they may want to use them. I am not even-keeled. And the last two days, I've really been the very antithesis of  even-keeledness...not a single level-headed moment has come from me in two days. 

Yesterday, on my run, I started to ask God to teach me to be tempered, even, smooth, moderate...but then I stopped and took it all back. When people pray for patience, what does God give them? Situations to practice patience. When people ask for the ability to forgive wrongs, what does God show them? A few more wrongs to forgive. So, noooo, no. No thanks. I do not want to ask for temperance. Not if it means that I will be given more situations to practice such a skill. I don't want to ask for even-keeledness, unruffledness, moderation...because it seems to me that God will certainly provide me with ample opportunities to learn it if I do. And based on my performance over the last two days, I don't necessarily think it's a learnable skill for me. I'll just remain jealous of those that have the ability and rely on them to deal with things when they get really thick. 

(Okay, so I realize that I'm becoming unreasonable here at the end. I really do want to learn these skills. I know several people who are absolutely gifted in this skill, and I need to ask them about it to see if I can learn a thing or two. And, because I know I need to, I will reinstate my retracted prayer for help in this area. Even if I really don't want to have to practice it any more.)

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Blame Facebook

Tonight, I accidentally got into the beginnings of an epic debate of the future of our nation that all stemmed from the recent changes to the look and functionality of the popular social media mogul, Facebook. If you have your own Facebook profile, you know that with each round of changes comes a rash of complaints, cheers, lovers and haters...Okay, so actually it just brings out the whiners and gripers that have nothing better to do than grouse about how awful change is and how ridiculous the new changes are...right up until they get used to them and accept them as the new normal. 

But I digress. 

Tonight, one of my friends posted a little we-hate-Facebook bumper sticker (for lack of a better term) on her wall. For you non-Facebookers, the wall is your space to tack anything you'd like. Everybody has one. Everyone posts status updates about what they're doing, what they like, what they hate, what they think is beautiful, ugly, or cute. Think of it as a public front-of-my-refrigerator but with WAY more insignificant, random, and cluttered stuff all over it. 

Now, where was I? Oh yeah...
So, my friend posted this we-hate-Facebook thing as a reaction to the most recent unveiling of terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad changes. And I simply responded to some of her thoughts on some of the specific changes by saying something to the effect of: I think the most recent changes are in reaction to the sad reality of American youth's current state. The page looks the way it does to satisfy the younger generation's insatiable need for constant and multiple instantaneous inputs of data as their attention spans continue to be programmed into nearly nothing... (I may have gone on to say a little more here.)

And since it was on my friend's wall, one of her friends saw it and responded to me (despite our having absolutely no association with each other whatsoever) with something to the effect of: Sad reality? The only "sad" reality here is that our younger generation has created and organized information at rates never dreamed of by previous generations. And frankly, if the previous generation had spent more time on Facebook, maybe I wouldn't be paying so much in taxes and health care costs today. God bless this new generation for their advances. They will save this world. 

A little dramatic, even for me. 

But, not being able to resist the urge for a good solid debate, I, of course, responded. Well, if you call Facebook content "information"... I won't pretend to not frequent and even enjoy social media innovations such as Facebook and Twitter, but I work with college students for a living, and there are countless studies about the negative effects of technology, social media, etc. on how we function as individuals that are downright terrifying. Students are losing the ability to read, write, effectively verbally communicate, think critically, focus on any one thing for any duration of time, imagine... Sure, we may be creating information at a rapid rate, but what good will it do us if we lose the ability to analyze it?

And then, our poor mutual friend, an innocent bystander in the crossfire of civil discourse on generational implications of social media, took us off of her proverbial fridge. She'd had enough. And she probably regretted ever complaining about Facebook changes to begin with. But neither of the stranger-debaters were quite done. Oh, no. We each needed some sort of final word, a wrap-up justification for our online outbursts. I started it, I would surely finish it. So, I write on her wall asking why she took it down. I ensured her that I was being civil to this stranger that she knew and that there were no hard feelings, just a really good debate. And the stranger responded immediately: It's really too bad. I've got facts to back up my points all night long. Really sir? Now we're maybe losing a little civility. But in the effort to get the last word, I said: The tempting hook! We could battle with reports and data all night long (though I think we're probably actually talking about two different issues altogether), but I'll pass tonight. If we knew each other, it would be ON, but I'll try not to clutter this wall with anything else tonight. ;)

I stand by my points, as I'm sure this stranger also does, but I find it ironic that I was willing to pour so very much energy into such points regarding a few simple rearrangements of items on a social media site. And, not only was I, but so was another person. 

I blame my work, my relationships with students that back up current data with practical experience. 

I blame my passion of student issues.

I blame that random guy for egging me on. 

I blame Facebook.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

When Life Finds You

Lately, I have taken note of some things that, at first glance, it looks like I have done, that I have discovered, that I have made for myself. Because as I continue to examine these things, I have come to find that many of them, I have not found at all. They've found me. 

Running is the most real example of a part of life that has found me. For those of you who have known me for any amount of time at all, you've probably heard me utter the phrase, There's really only two good reasons to run as far as I'm concerned. I'm either really late or something's chasing me. What happened to that attitude? Where did that philosophy go? One day, I just woke up and started running (slowly and painfully)...and I've found in a few short weeks a love for the sport, and maybe even a talent for it.

Running was definitely not in the forefront of my mind for this summer. In fact, it wasn't even on my radar. It was a foreign concept that I only associated with pain, injury, and a special brand of insanity that I saw in some of my mega-running friends. So, I cannot claim that I found running. Running found me. And it found me at the very time that I would need to focus on health and balance, a time that I would need a distraction from the business and craziness of a very full life. 

I think graduate school falls into this same category. What are the odds that a person can get accepted to both a full-time masters and doctoral program that one, did not require GRE scores to get in, and two, allowed me to work full-time while studying. I am fully convinced that education has found me. 

Even some of my friendships have found me at the very times that I have needed them or they have needed me. 

I don't consider this fate or happenstance or pleasant coincidences. This is God at work. This is a God that desires joy for my life, that wants my heart to be happy. And although I pursue Him and His will for my life, I still find that He surprises me by giving me unexpected joys. This year, more than any before, I am recognizing the gifts, even the little gifts that God gives to me, even when I'm not necessarily looking for them, and my heart is truly grateful for the many unexpected and beautiful gifts.

Wednesday, September 07, 2011

Having it All

Today, I set up an interesting lunch scenario which ended up with a very interesting question asked of me.

Lately, I've wanted to be intentional with the limited time I have with my close friends. In an effort to do that, today I brought a friend to lunch with a list of questions I wanted to know of her. They were questions like, When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? and Have you learned anything new about yourself in the last year? 

And after all of my questions were answered, on our walk back to the office, I was asked, What do you hope to learn in the next year? What do I hope to learn? Well...umm....
There are certainly things I plan to learn this year. I am a grad student after all. I will undoubtedly learn about my field, about research procedures, about students. And although those are important things to learn, I'm not sure those are things that I really want to learn....have a real desire to learn. I will probably learn more about balancing life, school, work, relationships...something that I've been learning for the past eight years or so. But I think what I've determined I really want to learn is how to have it all. I know that maybe sounds smug, but that's what I want to learn. I want to learn how to enjoy life; how to be intentional with time, with my relationships; how to balance time, hobbies, things I enjoy; how to get a lot of work done, a lot of homework done, a lot of cleaning, gardening, cooking, reading, running....

It sounds impossible right? Well, I want to learn about how to make it possible. And I want to do it all with joy. I think it is possible. And that's what I want to learn about this year.

All in all, my lunch today with my friend was amazingly enjoyable. We talked about all sorts of questions that helped me get to know her and her get to know me with intention, with purpose. We laughed, reflected, sighed with contentment. This lunch was the kick-off party to living with intention and learning how to really have it all. Who wants to learn along with me?