Saturday, February 27, 2010

Haven't Won Yet

Well, it's 12:44 am, and I'm sitting in the rec. center with 28 or so social Greek students, fighting to stay awake as a good example advisor for them, but my heart is a little heavier now than at 4:00 pm. Some of it may just be exhaustion, but some, I feel, it a slight feeling of failure. 

I have worked with the Greek system for over a year and a half, and I certainly have learned a lot...I mean, a lot, in that time. But I still have not found the secret to getting through to them. As of right now, there should be approximately 80 students, and at least nine active organizations, all represented, and actively involved in an athletic event tournament affectionately known as the Greek Olympics. But, as I said, I'm sitting with about 28, nearly all of which are just sitting around.

To make matters worse, most of those that are hear are doing two things that I most certainly do not like: 1) complaining, and 2) talking nasty about each other. First of all, please do not whine that you are tired. You are young, vibrant college students, who, if not given this event as a requirement, would most certainly still be partying, watching tv, or otherwise. I am old(er), and I worked a whole day in my office before I even got here. If I can stay awake, certainly you can. 

But the greater weight on my heart is the negativity and sheer nastiness that resides in the space between each organization (or most organizations). Please tell me what the point is? How can we be so pointlessly cruel and ill intentioned when dealing with each other? Have we not learned that we are only as strong as the parts of the whole? Wouldn't this night be more fun if we tried being uplifting to each other rather than knocking each other down? Wouldn't life in general be a little easier and more fun with this mindset? 

So, whether just tired or truly burdened by this, I sit alone tonight, waiting for 4:00 am to roll around, trying not to let tears fall over how far I have yet to fight this fight for these students to come even close to winning. If only they knew how often I prayed for them...

Monday, February 22, 2010

Isn't it Just Like God...

And isn't it just like God to respond to my inquiries, to fill in the blanks, and to have perfect timing.

The message on Sunday from Ethan was from 1 Peter 1:6-7: "In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."

Translation: In the good news of the Gospel you can find exceeding joy. Your life on earth, although not insignificant, is brief, and you'll suffer all sorts of tests and trials while you're alive. But you are tested so that your faith can grow to such great strengths that it will be stronger than refined gold, because even gold can burn up and be ruined in the fire. It doesn't really matter the size of the trials. How you respond to them makes the difference. Each trial molds your faith in some way, grows it stronger. And when your faith is strong, glory and honor and praise go directly to Jesus. And when life is over, and trials and sufferings finally end, in heaven, Jesus will be fully glorified. So, you need to ask yourself, as trials come along, is it worth it? Are trials and struggles and sufferings worth it when you know that the growth of your faith, your reactions to situations bring glory to God? They are. Small or large. Tough or simple. Just knowing that they bring glory to God is enough to press on. Hold tight to the Gospel. Hold tight to God. It's worth it.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Comparative Struggles

I've been struggling with a concept lately. I think I may have even eluded to it in an earlier post. But lately, I'm been trying to come to grips with struggles. Some days I feel like I'm drowning in a massive whirlpool of doom, like nothing is how it should be, and like I could just crumble into pieces if one more thing went wrong. But then someone loses their husband to cancer. Someone's heart breaks over a friend's divorce. Someone's whole world is falling apart.

My first reaction is guilt. I feel bad for feeling so out of control in my own sufferings which seem so insignificant compared to others. I feel so bad that sometimes I don't want to or find it hard to articulate my struggles to others, thinking that they certainly are going through or have gone through worse.

In my prayer group at work, I hear one woman's stories of her husband committing suicide, her daughter's alcohol addiction, and her employer's abuse of her time, and I think, How dare I think that I'm even remotely suffering. Because her struggles seem so much deeper and more painful than my crazy day at work, my endless to-do list. I hear another woman recount the passing of her mother, father-in-law, and her family's wait for her mother-in-law to pass soon. What loss. What grief.

I am amazed by these women and their strength that they given by God. They have a resilience that I wonder at. And I can't handle a few bad days in a row at work? So, I am stricken with guilt, with shame, that I can't pull myself together over my little struggles.

But how can I reconcile these things? Because the fact of the matter is that I am still stretched too thin, I am still struggling (take a look at my last few posts for confirmation of that), but I see how much worse it could be, how much more that I could be asked to struggle through. Perhaps this is a maturity issue. Maybe I'm not nearly as spiritually mature as I think I am. Perhaps it's a tolerance issue. Similar to physical pain tolerance, is there an emotional pain tolerance? Why is mine lower than the women I look to for guidance? Maybe it's a wisdom and experience issue. Perhaps the more you go through, the more God guides you, or the more you lean on His strength, and the more you can handle. 

And I think the only way we can be taught to handle struggles in our lives is simply to live through them. Maybe I do not handle struggles all that well because God's grace has kept me from many. I have lived such a blessed life, with very little drama or issue. I haven't had cancer, I haven't been divorced, I haven't lost any of my dearest friends. Perhaps only living through my current struggles can teach me to deal with any more. 

No matter what, I continue to struggle with the idea of struggles. I am so very thankful to have lived through so few, but I falter easily at the new struggles that come around. I don't want more struggles, but I want to know how to deal with struggles. And I feel guilty when I compare my struggles to those that have been through so much more. All I can do now is to pray that God grant me some sence of understanding and wisdom in the matter and some peace and maturity to deal with the issues at hand.

And through it all, God is good, God loves me, and God's will is always best. I know this without a doubt.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Aimless Wanderings

As my heart continues to cry out for simplicity in life, it seems that life continues to crank up to yet another gear. The last three days have been one big tornado of chaos and messes, with every little thing turning into an emergency or dilemma to deal with. And although I've cried out to God to calm things down as I know He can, I can't help feel a little guilty for doing it. As we enter the season of lent, I'm reminded of the gravity of Jesus' sacrifice, how much He suffered on my behalf, and I wonder how I can complain.

But nonetheless, I feel strained, stressed, and stretched too thin. And my heart cries for solace, for simplicity, just for a break. A person's mind and body can only take so much before it wants to give up and go to bed. And I've come to realize that the more there is to do, the more chaos there is, the less effective I become at any of it. I lose all sense of direction and aim, and I begin to wander aimlessly. I begin to just toss and arm into the darkness hoping I can manage to catch the break I know is out there somewhere. 

And what's significantly worse, in my opinion, is that, at this pace, in this mode, I am no longer an example that I want anyone to follow. I grow dull and no longer can reflect much of the light of God that I am called to reflect. What kind of witness is that? God has called me to live as the moon, a glowing reflection of Himself, but I'm quite sure that no one sees the moon amidst a tornado. 

So, it's time to remove the guilt of crying out to God. It's time to become real with God, showing Him my whole heart, even if it is exhausted and stretched out. Because clearly, I can't calm the winds, but He can. Clearly, I can't shine myself up to reflect God's light, but He can. I don't want to wander aimlessly anymore. I want to see my Pillar of Fire in the desert and follow every move that He makes. I want to live a life that people want to emulate in order to give God glory. He will give me the strength I need.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Nahum 1

Yesterday's sermon was shared from the book of Nahum, a book that, admittedly, I couldn't even find and had most likely never read. Since yesterday, I really haven't been able to get the images of Nahum out of my head. It's such a beautiful picture of God, but is blends seemingly opposite ideals (vengeance and refuge? jealous and loving? fierce anger and care?). Here it is in a nutshell...

Chapter 1, verse 2 starts out and says:
"The LORD is a jealous and avenging God;

the LORD takes vengeance and is filled with wrath.
The LORD takes vengeance on his foes
and maintains his wrath against his enemies."

Woah. That is serious business. This isn't the only place that notes God's jealousness. Exodus 34:14 says, "Do not worship any other god, for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God." ...whose name is Jealous...? God offers up a nickname for Himself. But why is He so jealous? The answer is simply that He loves us. And this is reflected in how we operate as humans as well. Think about it. As a toddler, if you love a toy, and someone else plays with it, you want it back. As an adult, if you have a significant other and someone calls them or spends time with them, you want to keep them for yourself. Our human nature often lets this emotion go unchecked and get out of control, but God doesn't lose control. But He does want to keep us for Himself. He doesn't want us to choose evil over Him. So, He "takes veneance on his foes and...wrath against his enemies."

But He doesn't lose control. Verse 3 says,
"The LORD is slow to anger and great in power..."

Aren't we blessed that God is slow to anger? If He wasn't, we'd be dead. That would be it. Adam and Eve sinned, and life would have been over. And even if it would have continued, no one would make it too long before we were smited off the earth. Thank you, Lord, for being slow to anger.

Verse 3 and onward then starts to give us a visual image of God's power:
"His way is in the whirlwind and the storm,
and clouds are the dust of his feet.
He rebukes the sea and dries it up;
he makes all the rivers run dry...
The mountains quake before him
and the hills melt away.
The earth trembles at his presence,
the world and all who live in it...
His wrath is poured out like fire;
the rocks are shattered before him."

It's tricky to reconcile these ideas of power (tornadoes, storms, earthquakes, drought, fire) with love. But let's put this in some context. If you were Satan or any of his demon friends, and you heard this, you'd be a little shook up, right? Okay, you'd be running for your life. This is a message to evil - look out! God is this big, this powerful, and this mighty. When I was a little girl, this is how I thought of my dad. He could take on anyone that got in my way because he loved me. Where do you suppose kids get this idea? Our Father. That's how it relates to love. And thus, verse 7 reminds us:

"The LORD is good,
a refuge in times of trouble.
He cares for those who trust in him..."

Just take a minute and ponder how big God is...how much He loves us. He is jealous for me. He will fight for me. That's some big love.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Insanely Profane

I simply cannot comprehend the value of profanity in American culture today. It astounds me to listen to and witness the horrid things that make their way out of young peoples' mouths, onto pages, into emails. I cannot get beyond it.

Language, as we know it, has been railroaded by words that lack all context and meaning in today's society. Foul words have become the replacement for what once was the um's, err's, and ahh's of our speaking. And adjectives have been reduced to a few four letter words that somehow cover every feeling, situation, or emotion known to us. I have several issues with this. In a language with an estimated quarter of a million distinct and unique words to choose from, how have we reduced ourselves to about six that cover most everything? Where is the expression in that? Where is the beauty? And to take about six words and render them so utterly meaningless that they cover so much while at the same time meaning the equivalent of "um" seems a travesty in itself, as if the foul words would perhaps be less ugly or horrendous if they had kept some original context or meaning.

And let's discuss for a moment the level of intelligence one must be reduced to to use so few of the so many word options there are. A great wealth of vocabulary certainly can only indicate a higher level of intelligence than a meager one. There are just so many words...

The flagrant use of so few words in such broad context certainly bothers me in itself, but this is definitely not the bothersome issue on which I choose to dwell. For there is, indeed, a much deeper and harsher issue that I have with profanity. We are commanded not to use it. Our very Creator has told us that it is wrong. Here it is, as plain as day: "You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain, for the LORD will not leave him unpunished who takes His name in vain." (Exodus 20:7). Oh, how many take these words too lightly; how many ignore this command. Terms like "God," "Jesus," and "Lord," are not meant to be thrown around so lightly! Jewish culture of the Old Testament had names for God that were not even uttered because they were thought to be so sacred and so holy. It is, after all, the name of God.

This certainly does not cover all foul language, but perhaps only the worst and most overlooked of the fouls. But certainly there is some weight to be held in the argument for not using other words as well. For instance, the word "damn" originates from "condemnation," which, quite officially can only be left to the ultimate Judge of the universe. We just don't have the power to condemn anything. By using this term, we are calling ourselves greater than or equal to God. How terrible a thought that I might assume myself, even for a moment, greater than or equal to God.

Some say, "It's just a habit that I've picked up. I can't control it." And I would argue that that is simply Satan in your ear. True, it is a habit. And habits can be hard to break. But from one who once hopped on the bad-mouth bandwagon, habits can be broken. I can remember being in sixth grade, sitting on the playground at recess, and yelling profanities and younger kids because it got the attention of the "cool crowd." From that moment until sometime in college, I threw profanity around like it was candy at a parade (except at home, of course, because of a certain childhood incident with a wooden spoon as a consequence).

I was convicted of my foul mouth sometime early on in college. I can't remember quite when or how, but I knew in my heart that it was wrong and hurtful to my loving Father. After years of practice, it is now a shock to my system if a foul word even enters my thoughts, let alone exits my mouth. This is not to promote any sort of holier-than-thou mentality, or encourage everyone to look my way in awe. No. It's just to show that it can be done. And it needs to be done. It is commanded of us.

Do not let Satan dominate your words. Every foul word is a glimmer of hope to the one that can't win. Clear them out of your system. Remind Satan where he stands. And as a bonus, sound more intelligent. And most importantly, you'll honor God.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

A Call to Simplicity

We all go through something like this in life. Days get hectic, busy, filled with meetings, tasks, voicemail, hobbies, friends, bills, cleaning, traveling, sorting, piling, delays... And our automatic responses snap instantly into survival mode. And then we live there, in survival, for days, weeks, months (and in my history, years).


The past few weeks, I've been there, surviving, holding on for dear life while things spiral out of control. The voicemail light remains on; the email inbox hosts over 100 waiting notes, attachments, and responses; the piles on my desk have flowed seamlessly onto the floor, the window sill, every chair, and shelf; I have new initiatives and committees and programs coming out of my ears; there are papers to grade, assignments to create, and much work to be done in my classroom; and to top it all off, my house, my one precious, quiet little sanctuary and escape, is a sty.

Out of all this chaos and noise, this week, my heart has been gripped with one clear message - Simplify.

I have no doubt that this message is God's very voice calling out to me through the cacophony of activity flurrying around me. It's a call to, once again, make a conscious effort to change the very foundation of how I operate on a daily basis. I've been here before. Sometimes the message is Slow down. And sometimes it's Shed something. And other times it has even been Just sing. But today, the message is Simplify. And I am so very ready to do this.

I'm not sure, as of now, how I will be applying the idea of simplicity to my life, but something tells me that if I change my focus, the answers will come. In truth, I need to focus on one thing - God. That's the end-all be-all of it. I'm also being led back to focusing on relationships and my purpose in life, the very reason God created me. Again, I am not sure how to apply these focuses, but I know that God is preparing my heart for something through all of this, readying me for something that chaos would not allow. I'm excited for what lies ahead, but as of today, it starts with simplicity.