As of late, it seems that I only come on here a few times a year, mostly as a space to document my annual naming of years. Some years, the naming propels the whole year, a true definition of the time, a sort of self-fulfilling prophesy. Some years, the name of the year turns into something else entirely or dissolves into fading memory, more like a bad new year's resolution than anything. So here I am again, lining up at the doorstep of year 36, with a name at the ready for the 365 ahead.
Making Room.
This name came to me after a few conversations with a friend about my desire to attend some seminary classes. As a professor in a seminary, I've been feeling lately that I lack a lot of context for the position I'm in. And since I view my professional position as a large part of my God-given calling, I deeply desire to do it well. I concluded, for now at least, that seminary is not my next move, but it prompted lots of questions about my deeper motivations for even considering such a move. At the end of the day, it was all about making room. First, for making room for the Spirit and scripture to speak. It's something I haven't given a lot of thought to in a while. My brain and heart have been clouded with kids and busy and home and work, too loud and frantic for the quiet attentiveness required for spiritual intervention.
After that realization, then came the flood of recognition of all the other areas of life that could greatly benefit from making room. My house could use some more room. Not like an addition, another room per se. But I do need to make some room. I need to make room in my laundry room for folding. I need to make room at my kitchen table for family meals. I need to make room in my closets for tidiness and things that I like to wear. I need to make room for kids to play and for conversations to happen. Room for pizza dinners with friends and surprise guests that drop by. Room for the things and time and experiences that matter within the walls of our home.
Even from just contemplating room in my home, the desire for space goes so much deeper. I need to make room for guests in my home because I want to make room for real and flourishing relationships. I need to make room for kid play because I want to make room in my patience and presence for kids being kids. I want to make room in my closet because I want to make room in my brain for choices that matter far more than a daily outfit.
This year's pursuit of room-making is practical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. These are connected, not separate. As I make practical room in my home, closets, and processes, I will surely naturally make room for the deeper desires, for the attentiveness, peace, and calm required to make more room for God. I'm not saying that one could not happen without the other, but in my life, it makes great sense to forge ahead with connected and related goals in mind.
This birthday, more than some other years, really feels like an awakening of sorts. Our family dynamic has changed so much so quickly, with babies turning into toddlers and toddlers turning into preschoolers. With constant supervision turning into independent play, diapers turning into potty training, and bottles turning into cups. It's a dynamic that I didn't have the imaginative capacity to believe was ahead of us, and yet, here we are. My mental health has gone through a great deal of change in the last year, from a deep denial of postpartum depression and anxiety to an acute awareness of my thought patterns and coping strategies. All of this has happened so quickly that it has caught me off guard. For the first time in over two years, I finally feel like I have the capacity to make some room, to push back against the tidal wave of stuff, clutter, garbage, isolation, expectations, survival...and to explore what happens when I do. Time to make some room.
