Tuesday, September 30, 2008

The Tower of Babel

Do you ever get the feeling that you and the person you are talking to are speaking two different languages? You're both saying exactly what you mean, but somehow, the message is not getting across? I had a moment like this today. I had made what seemed to be a reasonable request...a yes or no question really, and received an answer that felt like an ambush. There may or may not have been tears as a result on my end...but only for a second.

The truth of the matter is, we each express ourselves in unique manners, and the odds are, at some point in your life, you'll run into a person that communicates and expresses themselves in the polar opposite of you. But what is one to do? Even if you understand that there are differences, and even if you manage to figure out what those differences are, there is still little to be done to overcome them.

I would suppose the only thing to do would be to take a deep breath before every conversation, realizing that it is only going to go so well. Make adjustments to attempt to speak the other language, but know you'll probably sound like a foreign tourist to the other. And make adjustments in your brain to accommodate for the difference as you hear it.

But what I really wonder is, what is God trying to accomplish through all of this confusion? Is there some end result that can be positive? Some days I feel like I'm standing at the base of the Tower of Babel wondering, Does anyone speak my language?

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Mental Health

Life had been spinning a million miles a minute. And it seemed that it was harder and harder to try to keep up. I was getting frustrated, anxious, and exhausted over the little things, and my walls were wearing thinner and thinner. So, today, I actively chose to take a mental health day. I could have taken another day filled with anxiety and maybe some tears to try to get a little more homework done or a little more work done. But I chose to put it aside. Since Sunday's were designed to be days of rest anyway, it only felt right.

My parents came up to see me which was just what I needed for a little rest and relaxation. Somehow they always know how to cheer me up, give me whatever pep talk I need to hear, and feed me well. (Who doesn't love the Belmont Truck Stop?) I made the decision that even if we did nothing all day, I wanted to cancel all my other things just to do that. So I did. And I am thankful. It gave me a chance to reevaluate where I'm at and what I'm doing to myself. I needed to reprioritize things.

There are a few important lessons I have gleaned from my reflections today:
1) Family knows best. If they're worried about you, chances are, something's not right. Go with their instincts. Spend more time with them. Enjoy just being with them.
2) Working hard is important, but working yourself to death is ridiculous. Work hard while you can to do good where you can, but leave it at work when you go home. It will be right where you left it tomorrow.
3) Don't allow discouragement to creep in. It's a sneaky little character. You don't really know it's coming up on you until it's nearly devoured you. You will fail at something or other. You can either be brokenhearted and discouraged, or you can take good notes and improve for the next time. This is tougher stated than executed.
4) Take a day and use it for reflection. You can get so far out into your own little world that you lose all perspective of what's really going on around you. Use a day to reflect on reality and go from there.
5) Remember you are human. Humans are not perfect. They do not succeed all the time. They cannot do everything on their own. Rely on others when you need help. Accept the things you can't change anyway. Use positivity daily. Know that God is in control. Cry. Laugh.

As I go to bed tonight, I continue my reflection of recent life. It has not been an easy few weeks. And there's not guarantee that the next few will get any easier. I will just have to take them as they come and pass them on to God. Ups and downs will be all over the road of life. But after every down, there must come an up. So tonight, as I drift away to dreamland, I can smile, knowing the up is on its way.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

A Moment of Bliss

At this moment I should be doing my homework, but I just wanted to share one quick thing.

Tonight, I went to a new staff/faculty gathering at the President's house for dinner. I for sure didn't know anyone there, but in my usual fashion, it didn't take long for me to find a conversation buddy (a preacher from Chicago now teaching Greek at the seminary), and then a conversation circle. The food was delicious, the conversation lively, and the atmosphere in the house was light and overall pretty laid back.

For about an hour and a half I spent my time with the new staff members, many of them teachers. I found myself a little out of my element because I was one of the only non-teachers in my particular conversation circle. People began to leave, and I was left without chatting buddies, but I had noticed that Jeff and Dana's babysitter was an RA from campus that I had gotten to know somewhat in recent weeks.

Fairly awkwardly, I asked Dana (who I had only met once before and had never been in her home) if she would mind if I slipped downstairs for a bit to say hi to Sam and to play a little with the kids. Let's face it, although the networking was great, the meal was great...I'd much rather be in a room with a bunch of kids. And the Bullock's have three awesome boys. For nearly an hour we played an odd combination of Hide and Seek, Marco Polo, and Hot and Cold. We wrestled, we tickled, we jumped around like goofballs. And then everyone else went home. I made pretty fast friends with the guys and ended up reading the two little ones bedtime stories and tossing the dog a ball for a bit before I headed home.

Amongst all the sadness and grief around campus lately, tonight was a moment of bliss. A short time to just be a simple, fun-loving, goofy, crazy kid. Why in the world don't we do that more often? I had such a great time, and although it may not have been the greatest first impression for the President and his wife, it was sure worth it.

Strength

Today is what is hopefully the end to a very long, sad few weeks in the UD family. A memorial service commended Lisa's life into God's hands and gave a feeling of finality to the tragedies.

As a staff person on campus, I've felt the need to be strong for those that needed comfort and a listening ear and arms to hug. For the most part I managed to hold together, shedding only a few tears when certain memories come to mind. But today, I began to doubt my strength. I felt myself beginning to unravel for just a moment. And I wondered, What happens when I don't have any more strength to share? But God continues to provide, and in that moment of doubt and fear, He brought a warm smile and an arm around me from a person who knew I would need it. We didn't exchange a single word. She was just there. And sometimes that is enough.

We can't always be the strong ones. We're all only human. But that's the great thing about our infinite God. He already knew there would be times when we would be weak, times we would be scared, times we would want to give up or walk away. And He created others to fit into the spaces we can't fill ourselves. Like a brilliant million piece puzzle, we fit together in times of need, joy, sorrow, love, pain... These divine appointments get us through life, and we must know that it is not by accident.

Infinite God, in uncertain times, we run to You as our certainty. You are the Great Provider, knowing even beyond what I think I need for myself what my needs truly are. I run to You and praise You even when I don't fully understand You. For You are God, and that is all that matters.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

The Word Accident

I have had quite enough of the word accident. I have heard it more in the last few weeks that I care to count. It used to be one of those words that you could use in casual conversation with little thought to the potential meaning. Now, it has become a word that shakes me on a deep level, making the world pause briefly one more time.

Today began with the word accident. "Pastor Ethan was in an accident." was one of the first things I heard as I walked into church to rehearse with the worship team. I couldn't breathe. Tears pressed forward as I fought them back. I can't handle any more accidents. Thankfully, he's fine. A few hours in a hospital is nothing compared to what it could have been. I pray thanks for that.

This afternoon a call came in for yet another UD accident. How could there be another one? Our little community cannot handle any more accidents. We all are in a state of shock...trying to pull ourselves together just to be able to function. There just can't be any more.

Through all of these accidents, I was reminded by a co-worker that we have two choices in times like these. We can either question God and be angry with His plan and decisions...claiming that He's not listening to us, not caring about us, not loving us.... Or we can run to God knowing that He is the only one that can provide us with the comfort and love that we need so desperately. We must remember that we don't always get to know or understand God's plan. It would simply be too much for us to handle. But He does have a plan, and it is all for good. We may not understand His plan or His timing, but we must trust that He loves us as His children, and He knows far better than we.

So as I hear the word accident again and again, even as it shakes me inside like few words ever have, I will run to my Father for comfort and care knowing He loves me dearly.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Pauses

Where do I start? How do I begin to write about something as tragic as two accidents, two injuries, and two deaths in two weeks? How can I even reconcile it with reality?

Thursday and Friday, the entire world within the University of Dubuque walls paused...perhaps even stopped all together. Everyone stopped to reflect on lives lost and already so dearly missed. We gave up on work, on some classes, on meetings...We spent time just sitting with one another, just being together. To us, it was perhaps a natural reaction. But a very strange thing happens through all of this...the rest of the world didn't pause. It doesn't stop. It keeps ticking away as it always has. Drivers drive their regular route home through campus and wonder for a moment why more people than usual are sitting together on the quad. Organizations come in for meetings on campus with no notice of the somber mood around them. Performers go about their acts and ask why attendance was low. To us, within the walls, it doesn't make any sense. Reality, for a few days, just can't line up with where we are.

But, eventually, reality and real life will align again. We'll go back to our meetings, our voicemails, our duties. Students will go back to studying and working hard. We're back to normal but somehow never the same. Whether we knew the young people whose lives were lost or not, we mourn for them, for their families, and for our community. We hurt because they are not here. We come together like we didn't know we could.

And that's the one great thing to come of all of this...if any great things can come of absolute catastrophe. What we once knew as colleauges, students, aquaintences are now all family. We talk, we hug, we laugh, we cry, we do it all together, much differently than before. So, as our world begins to come back to reality, I still pause, for just a moment, to reflect on the blessing of family...whatever form it may take. And through a few lingering tears, I can smile.

Monday, September 08, 2008

Where, Oh Where

It is days like this when I truly wonder where the times goes.

Today, I was sitting down in a moment of rest, and a co-worker says, in reference to my act of momentary peace, "And you wonder why you have to put in 12-hour days..." as if somehow I must waste away my days doing very little but sitting around. He laughed, I laughed....but I didn't think he was actually all that funny. I get maybe ten minutes in a normal day to actually sit and rest. I don't think that the average person would be able to keep up with me. And if I'm completely honest, if I really stopped to think about it, I bet I wouldn't be able to keep up with me.

Usually I'm up at some ungodly hour before the sun even dares to peek its sleepy face over the horizon. I am the first to work nearly everyday. The only one who ever beats me is the creepy custodian that is always in my office (another story for another day). It is a more familiar day when lunch is missed due to meetings or just the general scurry of the day than days with a lunch break built in. Many afternoons and evenings are filled with meetings of student groups or events like the Foam Party (also another story for another day). Dinner, if I remember, is usually fried food from the Union or some stale chips and a soda from my desk drawer. And when I finally get home, much after the sun has hidden back away for another night, I have a pile of homework to do....

As such was today's case, you find me here, computer in my lap, just finishing up my day...at 20 to 12....make that 5 to 12. It's nearly tomorrow, and I'm still wrapping up today's happenings. I'm just not convinced that they human body is meant to work like this for long. But I suppose it will for at least one more day. I guess I can sleep when I'm dead...

Enough of the pity party anyway. Despite the exhaustion and complaints, somehow, I still completely love what I do. One day, I guess I just hope to do it a little slower.