Over the past year or so, I have tossed around (although usually flippantly) the idea of going back to school for a terminal degree. About a year ago, after talking to a few informal professional mentors, mainly in the faculty world, I had come to the conclusion that it made absolutely no sense for me to go back to school, fall into near unrecoverable debt, and lose any shred of sanity I may have had. I would be able to do what I was made to do based on life experience and a great reputation. It's more than idealistic to think that to be the truth...it's naive.
But as I discovered this naivety, my motives began to contort and shift, making me want grad school even less. I started out with the mindset that I had some sort of obligation to others to go back to school. My boss, mentors, people I looked up to, people who might look up to me...they said I should. But all the reasons that I ought to go back to school made the very idea of it start to taste bitter in my mouth...as if they were making me do it.
At the same time that the ought-to's were sneaking up on me, making the idea seem worse and worse, God was working to show me a different perspective. A month ago or so, I received an article from a colleague about the holiness of education, seeking out knowledge about God's creation, about things that God has given me interest in. At the time, I didn't necessarily make a connection to my own education, but rather the value of assisting in the education of others. But pursuing education is honoring God with my mind. And doing what I'm made to do is also honoring to God; I'm offering him a gift, one that originally came from Him and is best used only with His help. And in my line of work, doing what I'm made to do, to my very best ability, will require a higher degree of education. So then, it's not out of an ought-to attitude that I feel compelled to go back to school, it's an attitude of love, gratitude, and worship to God that makes me want to do it.
Since I received that article, I have had many conversations with mentors, friends, family, colleagues, and I have learned a lot about others' journeys, my own motives, things to think about as I move forward...but this morning, I heard what I will consider the final tipping point of the motive scale from the very end of the church service. Pastor Ken asked, "Are you ready for God to blow your mind away?" This question was in reference to John 14:12: "Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father." Ken continued with an illustration of the chance to play volleyball anywhere in the world, something he felt he was built to do, but ended up playing college football instead. He built a wall of excuses out of fear and doubt. The question of really wanting to see what God has in store for us (things that are greater than the works of Jesus!) can be a scary thing. What if I screw it all up? What if I can't do the great things in store for me? What if God doesn't really have great things in store for me? Sometimes, it can be easier to build excuses to avoid all these what-ifs.
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