Solace in Only the Keyboard

I can't say I'm quite sure what has come over me lately. At the very time that I should be full and contented, I find myself distant, quiet, empty. After two weeks of being filled up by the wonders of family time and outdoor time, two of my most favorite times, I should be abounding with some crazy hyped up joy, but it's not there. This is not to say that I am feeling depressive or even sad. I'm not either of those things. Is it the pangs of lonesomeness? I don't feel lonely. Is it sheer exhaustion? I just don't feel tired.

I just feel quiet. And maybe that's not such a bad thing overall. There are always lessons to be learned, or being learned in the stillness. One thing I do feel is the need to learn, to dive deep into His word. I feel it, but strangely, there is no motivation to act. A paradox, I suppose. And a frustrating situation to be in: to crave what's ahead but refuse to move forward. Where does that leave me? Quiet.

What is next for me to learn? Leadership? Humbleness? Weakness? Brokenness? Joy? Do I need to understand more of God's holiness? Or the breadth of his majesty? I feel so insignificant and small to try to comprehend any of it. Where has my boldness in Christ gone? I feel so timid.

So for tonight, I sit in silence. TV off. Lights dim. Listening. Wondering what God will tell me, what could be in store.

I suppose as you read this (whomever decides it may be a worthwhile endeavor) you may be inclined to worry about me, assume I am in a negative, hurtful, even wrong spot in life. But don't worry for me because I am not sad. Not lonely, not afraid, not hurt. Simply quiet. Tomorrow could reveal a different heart inside me, one of joy, boldness, literally full of song....or you may find me quiet, just as today. But know that I am held by Christ, loved deeply. And one of these days the motivation will come. The quietness will go. And I will have taken another turn on the Potter's wheel, becoming more of who I was meant to be.