I don't know that I realized, when I posted this question to my class, that it was actually an extremely difficult question to answer, not necessarily because I am unaware of my personal fears but because it takes a moment of extraordinary vulnerability to actually express them to someone else. There are some fears, certainly, that are easy to express. My fear of spiders, for instance, is not any unknown fact to most. I make it pretty apparent every time one of those creepy crawly critters makes its way across my desk at work or down the wall at my house. There are many things that I am afraid of that people know about, but when the question of the thing (or things) that I am most afraid of comes up, we're talking about another whole level of fear.
I will begin at a much easier starting place, with some things that I am not afraid of that may make the "most afraid" list for some people.
I am not afraid of what lies ahead in my career path. For some, the question of their life's work, their ultimate career, living in the "right" city, working for the "best" company, is the very obsession and pinnacle point of their lives. The very idea of a career and power, wealth, influence, and being in the "right" place at the "right" time consumes them with terror and worry to get it just "right". This is not something I fear. I have had my fair share of fret on the topic earlier in life, but now, I'm confident in God's leading without question. I have found my calling, and where and how I accomplish that is not a matter of "right" or "wrong". I just keep operating within God's will, and that is enough.
I am not afraid of financial crisis. Often times, for those obsessed with career and life's work, fears of money come next. I know I am well provided for. I have never been in a time of extreme need, by the very grace of God. I am a careful manager and steward of my money, and even if I would end up penniless and poor, God maintains control, and I will not be left alone. I do not fear money.
I am not afraid of bullies. I am not afraid of war. I am not afraid of potential natural or unnatural disasters. I am not afraid of my past. I am not afraid of public speaking. I am not afraid of trying new things.
This is where that moment of extraordinary vulnerability kicks in. You see, I am afraid of being alone. I am afraid of never finding true love, and I am afraid of never having children. Logic and my faith tell me not to be afraid of these things. If I can trust God to lead me in my career, my very life's work, in my money, in many aspects of my life, why can I not trust him with this? He knows the desires of my heart, and He wants my heart to know joy, but what if His plan is different than mine?
This battle is one that I have fought for years. Every day, I have to consiously take off this burdenous chain of fear and hand it to God. Some days, I want to hold on to it. Perhaps the burden isn't so unbearable...I'll just hold on to it for a while. But it is always better in God's hands. If I trust God to provide for me in the ways He sees best in other areas of my life, I must trust Him to take care of me in this aspect. And I know that He will.
So there you have it. I am revealed, exposed, vulnerable to anyone who took the moment to read along. But for those of you who are joining me in this journey, you can now pray for me in my specific fears. And if you have fears, perhaps you could expose them to someone who can pray for you. God is good, and fully worthy of trust. He has given me no reason to doubt. I will be raised up by the faith of others when my faith is not strong enough to raise up myself. Thank you for sharing your faith with me.
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