I need to be frank for a few minutes. Because for the last nearly 15 months, I have not really been forthcoming at all. I've been pretty sneaky. Pretty clever. But not really all that honest.
Shortly after the twins were born, I slouched, sank, and eventually spiraled pretty hard into postpartum depression and anxiety. And I worked my ass off to hide it from everyone. And I never got the help that, looking back, I really needed. All a saga for another day.
But now, as we approach the twins turning 15 months, summer quickly fading into shorter, cooler days of fall, I am struggling to shift gears into a healthier, happier version of life that I expected to find by now. Some aspects of life have improved significantly. The mobility and food-freedoms of growing toddlers have alleviated many of the stresses of earlier life all-consumed with nursing/pumping schedules and baby carrying/wearing/strollering options. And sleep, while certainly not perfect, has settled into a mostly viable routine for all of us. So much of life in our current state is so much fun. New skills, words, and daily discoveries are exciting and make my heart smile.
But at this point, I have some desires bubbling up that are remaining largely unfulfilled. Because, let's be honest, it's just damn hard! All of it. Working, parenting, living...it's just hard. But there's got to be alternatives to my current situation which looks like morning-rush-no-lunch-evening-rush-bedtime-routine-facebook-zombie-do-it-all-again-tomorrow, sprinkled with hefty amounts of never-finished-laundry-sticky-surfaces-and-pee-or-diapers-everywhere.
So alternatives. I've considered them all. And I mostly greet them with excuses. I'll speak on my desire to workout first. Alternative: workout over lunch. Excuse: I don't usually take lunch so I can get home earlier to be with the kids, a chaotic exercise in survival until bedtime. Alternative: keep kids in school for an extra hour a day to workout after work. Excuse: mom guilt piles on big time because I do really want to see my kids during their waking hours, even if it's not always fun. And let's talk about meal and grocery planning. Because our current method of pantry scrambling and fast food aren't exactly always delicious or nutritious. Alternative: spend one hour a week making a plan, a list, and running to the store. Excuse: Okay, but like when? (Ya'll did see my facebook-zombie mention earlier, right? Clearly not every moment of my life is occupied well.) Alternative: once a month meal planning. We've even done this before, and it was hugely successful. Excuse: I'd have to send the kids away for a weekend a month to make it happen. One more. Let's talk about the state of my house. I never really envisioned myself as the hot-mess-mom type until I had three kids within two years, but let me tell you - I am indeed, a fully hot-mess-mom. Like, seriously. Don't come to my house unannounced. I'm not ready. Ever. Alternative: facebook-zombie time needs to go. That's enough time for a full load of laundry and a kitchen scrubdown before bedtime. Excuse: I'm too tired/don't want to think/exert effort/do anymore today.
But today, I just can't with it all anymore. I can't keep gazing longingly at my alternatives as if they weren't really possible, piling excuse after excuse on top of them. Not anymore. It's time to gear up for a real change. A life change. Not because my kids need it, or even my family unit as a whole needs it. Not for my husband or outward appearances (even though I do appreciate at least appearing within socially acceptable ranges of normal cleanliness and functionality).
I need this. I need to be healthy. I need to be motivated and functional and honest and real. I need to get out of the spiral-sink-slouch of the last 15 months and take pride in my life, the daily doings that make up the very core of who I am. It's gear up time. Gearing up for the next phase. The phase of life that will make me a better wife, a better mother, because I make me a better me.
So, six weeks in advance of my birthday, I dedicate my upcoming year to No-Guilt-No-Excuses. A year for me to right myself, to take pride in something, to shake the last shreds of depression, anxiety, and burden that I have carried for too long. It will require fight, tenacity, and effort, but it will also require grace, acceptance, and humility. And, for fun and accountability, I'll take you along with me.
Phase One will be drafting a plan. I tend to be highly motivated by plans, goals, visuals (sticker charts, anyone?), and progress. Over the next six weeks, I hope to prepare the strategy that will carry my no-guilt-no-excuses life changes. I do this all the time in my professional life, with an excellent track record. Why it hasn't transferred into my personal life, I do not understand. But this year, it will. It must. For my well being, for my children, for my spouse, but most importantly, just for me.
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