Angst

It's been twenty three days since my interview with Edgewood College. Twenty three days of hearing nothing from them. When I departed from my interview, it was thundersnowing something terrible (that's not really all that important to the story, more of just a fun fact), and the wonderful faculty left us all with the reassuring thought that they would certainly contact us "as soon as we can." I knew then that there was another interview date (coincidentally today), but I hadn't given much thought to the fact that I may actually have to wait until after the final interview was conducted. Now, twenty three days later, I still sit and wait. 

But I must confess that the angst I currently feel is not centered in the weight of their possible rejection. No. As I explore my anxiety, I have come to realize that what I'm most afraid of is that I actually may get in. Although I'm sure I weighed the consequences of applying to graduate school heavily, the very reality of what graduate school means seems to have eluded my consciousness. Now, I find myself having conversations with myself (only in my head, of course) that go a little like this:

"Do you remember your masters program?" Of course I remember. I remember almost dropping out after missing two thirds of an entire term while trying to deal with the most difficult year of my professional life. I remember studying and writing papers into all hours of the night. I remember taking work time to log on to chat forums to complete assignments. I remember it being genuinely awful. "Yeah, that's right. What exactly were you thinking applying for a doctoral program? You don't really have any business applying to a doctoral program." 

Ugh. My heart beats a little faster and my palms suddenly find themselves a little bit clammier just thinking about my previous experience with graduate school. But I have to check myself a little bit here. There are reasons, good solid vocational reasons that I wanted to pursue more schooling. I'm not crazy (right?) for wanting to go back, and certainly now that I'm a little bit older, wiser, and more experienced, this round will go a bit smoother (right?). My letter of intent to Edgewood (which at the very least did not preclude me from receiving an interview), summed up why exactly I want to receive a doctorate:

It is in living out my purpose that I know I must pursue doctoral study. It is not a matter of feeling obligation or pressure from others to earn a degree, nor is it a matter of competing for my place at the top of the proverbial employment ladder; it isn’t even about earning higher pay or the respect of my peers. Rather it is a matter of deep desire to do my very best at the things I’m being called to do, and in higher education and Student Affairs, I can work and serve better with more education no matter what position I hold. This makes the pursuit of higher education a holy pursuit, a chasing after God’s own heart while also increasing knowledge in my field; it becomes development of both mind and spirit.

I really do want to do this. And it really could be good. Right?