Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

Remember back to when I was in high school, and Mitch, and I were home together for some reason, and we found that spider in the closet? You know, that spider that was so big and gross it had made a web that covered the whole darn closet in an hour? That whiteish colored nasty spider that could have straddled a dollar bill and probably could have outrun me?

Now, I know I have a tendency to over exaggerate stories and blow things out of proportion. But I feel like I've got a pretty good grip on reality here. Remember how Mitch and I called you home from work in the middle of the afternoon to kill it because we were too chicken?

Well, I just wanted to tell you that Saturday I met that spider's cousin....in my bathroom. A giant light brownish long-legged thing was just hanging out above my shower. I wanted so badly to call you over to my bathroom to kill it for me, but that didn't seem logical. I thought about calling someone else, but it was 6:00 in the morning. So I went about the task of deciding how I should kill it, knowing no one would come to my rescue. I quickly grabbed the fly swatter, but it didn't seem to have quite enough distance between my hand and the animal hanging from my ceiling. I decided upon the vacuum. Not the little dust buster that charges in my windowsill. (I was told once that bugs can and do crawl back out of those.) No, no. I grabbed the big ol' vacuum and all its attachments. After a quick assembly of the long narrow tube, I stood at the bathroom door staring down my opponent for a good five minutes. I probably would have stood there for the whole day, but that darn thing started "running" toward me through its web like a man on a mission, and I got scared. Kill or be killed was my mentality, so I sucked the beast up.

So, Mom, the moral of this story is, I still need you and Dad. Not just to be my spider killers. I just like to have you around. So, don't stay away too long.

Love you!