Trust & Fear

I must start this post with a confession. I am not the fearless wonder woman I project myself to be. Now, don't get me wrong. I want to be a fearless wonder woman. I strive to be a fearless wonder woman. But I've got fears. Oh, boy, do I have fears. 

I'm afraid of bugs, spiders mostly. I'm afraid of forgetting important things. I have fears of doing things wrong. Of being incapable of doing what I want. Germs, especially of the raw meat variety. Winter driving. Running in the dark. Being careless with money. Saying stupid or embarrassing things. Grates in sidewalks. Public restroom surfaces. Trying new experiences for the first time. 

I spend a lot of time masking these fears, pretending to be a fearless wonder woman. But last night, some of the fears started leak out of me. And it quickly snowballed. It was mostly mysterymoon related. For the past three months, I have been beyond exciting to have Derrick plan a secret trip for us, leaving me totally in the dark about all of it. I desperately wanted to be able to let go of control and allow him to plan it all. I wanted a grand adventure.

Or so I thought. 

But then, I started to get scared. What if he didn't think of everything? What if we get stuck wherever we're going and can't get home? What if we don't have the right equipment. What if I'm not strong enough? What if, what if, what if... And this incredible sense of guilt began to wash over me because, as I started spewing me fears in Derrick's general direction, it sounded a lot like I didn't trust him to plan this trip. 

But that's just not true. I trust the man with me life. I trust his skills and abilities and research. I trust his instruction and his instinct. It cannot be then that I do not somehow trust him with some vacation plans. 

But, the more I think about this, the more I begin to think that perhaps fear and trust are not so related. I mean, I trust my dad when we're climbing big mountains, but I still fear crossing rushing streams on rotting logs or slippery stretches of path near the summit. I trust that my co-workers are working hard, but I still fear that collaborative programs might fail. I trust God's plan in the world, but I fear for the lives of future generations. 

It seems like trust and fear should be more related. If I really trust, do I have reason to be afraid? The logical answer here is no, of course. And yet... I think perhaps where my fears live is a different habitat all together than where my trust lives. I think trust lives deep in the heart and forms a line that somehow supersedes reality. No matter the circumstances, I can still choose to trust. But my fears create a scatter plot of all of the many external forces, the unknowables, the slim chances, the what if's that live around reality. Fears live in all of the other possible realities that exist all around us. Trust is on a different plane all together. To trust, I make a decision to trust, to follow that line above basic reality. To not fear, I have to shut out a whole lot of dots on a scatter plot. A whole lot.

I think the only effective way to become a fearless wonder woman is two fold. I need to keep on trusting. Trust can and will help me to continue to rise above fears. And I need to go and do many scary things. Kill spiders, rely on my memory, test my capabilities, cook, drive in the snow, run with a head lamp, stick to a budget, speak up, walk over the grates on the sidewalks, use public restrooms, and try everything at least once. I fully trust my love to send us on a once-in-a-lifetime mysterymoon trip, and I'm scared out of my mind. But without hesitation, I will go. And just maybe come back a little bit more of a fearless wonder woman.