Can't Win

Don't think I didn't feel you hovering over me with a smug grin on your face last night. You thought you were winning, and for a moment in time, you had me convinced you were. But this morning, when I woke up, it was I with the smug grin, because in that moment, I knew you had been defeated.

You see, last night, when that comedian took the stage, and started ranting and raving over all the usual things that comedians rant and rave over (drugs, sex, alcohol, women, race, social class), I was furious. How dare you walk on in here and express yourself so blatantly. But it wasn't very long before I heard the self-proclaimed funny man say, "Ooh, you guys are touchy," and "Does it bother you when I tell icky jokes or swear? Okay, I'll go back to the PG stuff." Why would he backtrack like that? See, that's where you started to lose control, where your grasp wasn't quite as tight, because not everyone in the room revelled in the filth that you were handing them. Not everyone laughed or smirked or chuckled like you thought they should. No, not this time. Did you sense how unimpressed some of the people in the room were? Did you sense their disappointment? Did you feel mine?

So now, I'm not asking politely, not suggesting or encouraging, no, I'm flat out commanding that you get out of here. Slink away in embarrassment with your tail between your legs because you know full well you cannot win here. You're powerless. And don't bother coming back to fight again because the same result will be before you. You'll always be handed your defeat.

God holds this place, Satan, not you. And there are prayers going up all over the place. It is sacred ground with a set-aside people, and try as you may, you cannot beat us, win us over, or trick us in the least. So, get back. Get out of the way. And know that God's team always wins.

Human Connection

I've been thinking a lot lately about the idea of human connections. Each of us has a heart that desires human connection. We've been giving that heart from God who also desires a connection with us. For some, making connections is easy, even natural. They're either involved in everything, are social butterflies, or just know how to reach out to the close few in their lives. For others, connection is a longing that can't seem to be quenched or fulfilled as they strive to meet others or be involved but feel out of their element or uncomfortable.

What creates a "good" connection? What makes it last? Undoubtedly there is a good deal of work involved - effort to maintain connection, dig deeper in conversation, become more vulnerable and open while establishing trust. Work indeed. And a certain amount of chemistry is probably also required. There's only so much connection that can be made over common interests or small talk alone. And the ability to evolve through time, flex and change as each person does the same.

What happens when a connection goes "bad"? Can people change too much to maintain a connection? Can one person or the other give up or stop putting in effort? Sure. Does God remove connections in our lives similarly to when He provides them to us? But what else? Is there more?

I have to imagine that the longing we have in our hearts for true, real, meaningful connection, connection that is honest and open, is perhaps the longing that God feels when we turn away from Him. We were, after all, made in the image of God, a reflection of Him.

I know my life is not lacking in connections - I have friends that I see on a fairly regular basis, I make new connections pretty well, I have mentors and colleagues that I communicate with, and I have a close family network. But my heart still yearns for deep and lasting connections, connections with friends that I've lost touch with or new connections. It is, most likely, for sheer lack of effort that I've been left longing, but a part of me can't help but wonder about the chemistry. God appoints people to our lives sometimes, and sometimes exactly when we need them, but is there a time when God does not provide those connections or allows us to live without them for a time?

Either way, I have a desire for connections, for accountablility, for someone of like mind and heart, for someone to be vulnerable and real with without judgements. I'm praying for what that looks like for me and for those that I may connect with, for guidance of how to establish connections and for a bravery to step out and take action with the faith that God will provide what is best for me.

I was left wondering--what are your dreams?

With all of the recent talk of dreaming big, thanks to the carefully selected New Student Orientation theme, I was asked today, What are your dreams, Lindsey? Dreams. Where do I start?

Once upon a time, I had a set of dreams all my own, dreams I thought I wanted with every fiber of my being. I had dreams to move to a big city, make lots of money, work as a successful engineer...I gripped these dreams so tightly that I had eyes and ears for nothing else in the world. I wrestled with these dreams because there seemed to be roadblocks put up every step of the way. My life began to fall apart around me, but I continued to pursue the narrow dreams that my head had concocted, blind to the trouble that I was creating.

It wasn't until the moment that I completely let go of all these dreams that I thought were best for me that I realized what true dreaming was. You see, it's when you let go of your own life, the plans, achievements, goals, and yes, even dreams that you desire for yourself, that God's will and purpose for your life can truly begin to take shape within you. It was the moment my fists released from their white-knuckled grip that my life began to move away from me and toward God's glorious plan. We have to do this, this letting go, this dying to self - it's the only way to get closer to God. Galatians 2:20 is one of several references that the Bible gives us into this idea.

But then, what did my dreams become? After letting go, my heart was free to accept the dreams that God has had for me since the very beginning of time. And what are those dreams, you're still wondering? My dreams became so much more than I ever could have imagined for myself.

I now dream of changing the world. Crazy, right? Not crazy with God. I dream of fulfilling my purpose for His glory and honor, my purpose to build relationships and open doors with people, especially younger people, to infuse passion and love and care into their lives... And how will I achieve my dreams? I'm not sure. How will I know that I've "arrived" at my dreams? I surely don't know. And what am I doing to work toward my dreams now? Mainly living in God's love, letting go of my own dreams daily, and following where I am led. To some, this may seem ridiculous. There's no master plan involved on my part, no planning at all, really. But to me, it's become natural.

I've been hardwired to dream big dreams of changing the world, changing lives, guiding people to that same moment of letting go that I found once upon a time. It's my dream to do this as long as I can with as much passion as I can. I know that God will change the world through my life, and that is the direction in which I aim my heart, knowing that if God is with me, no one can be against me.

Now that you know mine, tell me, what are your dreams?

Song of Reflection for the Evening

Tonight, this song popped into my head out of nowhere. It is absolutely how I am feeling right now in life. I can't get away. And I never want to. Praise God for how good He is!

(Listen to this fabulous tune here)

I am an arrow, I am a rocket.
I am a river, and nothing can stop it.
'Cause You are the target, and You are the atmosphere.
You are the ocean that keeps pulling me, You're pulling me here.

And I, can't get away, can't get away.
Can't get away, can't get away.
I can't get away, can't get away...
I keep running into You

I am a beggar, You are the table.
I am so helpless, God You are so able.
And when I get turned around, You change my direction.

You're so perfect, I'm so broken,
Here You come with arms wide open,
Chasing after me down every road,
You're always waiting there.

Even when I close my eyes, I can't help but see
There's no place that I can hide,
You're such a part of me, I can't get away 'cause I keep running into You
I can't get away...

Can't Get Away ~ Rush of Fools

No Life...Well, Not Exactly

Well, it's happened again. I'm sitting in my office at 8:17 pm, tinkering at my desk. To most, this would appear to be equivalent to having no life, but there's something I've discovered recently. Right now, my work is my life. And that's not a bad thing.

Think about it. I have realized that I have a calling, a defined purpose, that I know is to be doing what I do, working with students, sharing with them the love of God. This is not just a career, not even close. It's life-work. It's something that I am destined to do for the will of God.

So, although I joke about having no life outside of work, the truth is that I wouldn't really want it any other way. I want to keep on working for the Kingdom, fighting for what's right, pressing on toward bigger and better things for my students and the staff and faculty that I see as family now, never accepting anything but the very best to offer up to God. Why would I ever need anything more? Desire anything more?

God has blessed me greatly by providing me the heart-knowledge of my very purpose in life, something that many never get to experience in life. I will pursue this passion that is born in me as hard as I can because I am blessed to be able to do so. I offer this gift up to God today, today and always, with a joyful and overflowing heart.

A Little Braggin'

I need to spend a moment braggin' on my God tonight.

I have seen the hands of God reaching down to the University of Dubuque in real and amazing ways over the past few weeks, and I have no choice but to praise. I have seen students' lives changing. I have seen programs evolving and improving. I have seen gaps closing between departments and individuals. Incredible feats, indeed.

Over the past few weeks, I've had the pleasure of participating in the new Summer Bridge Program for students that do not meet our admission requirements but may show some academic promise. Typically, these students have below a 17 ACT score. Nearly one-third of our freshman class has come in this year under this program. I assisted with the out-of-class experiences, and in a few short days, I developed a theory of why this program is successful: relationships and resources. Through a combination of class and resource experiences and social and community-building experiences, we're preparing students for college success. There's no proof that this program will actually be completely successful, but you can already see and feel the changes that God has placed in some of these students' lives as He aligns their lives with their defined purpose. I am thrilled and completely excited to see what God has in store for these students, because for some of them, it will be great things.

I have also been blessed with a few new relationships through this program and it's director, Marta. She is an inspirational woman that reminds me why I'm here - to change people's lives with God's love. I hope to learn much from her, and I thank God for bringing her into my life.

And then there's New Student Orientation. This four-day program has become nothing short of miraculous for some. This program, which is, in essence, completely left to me to plan and implement, is one of the biggest responsibilities I have throughout the year. This is the one chance we as a University community have to acclimate students to campus, provide them with lasting connections and a sense of community, and provide easily accessible resources to them before they need them. Terrifying. But it is also a chance to grow and encourage thirty student leaders to become life changers and moral, upright, courageous leaders. And this, for me, is where the real miracle lies.

I have watched God move in the hearts of more than one student leader over the past few weeks and months in ways that I can't explain. Students have changed majors, shifted career paths, had changes of heart, and have stood up for their beliefs and values with conviction. They have impacted new and impressionable students positively. They're preparing for their purpose in life, whether or not they know that's what they are doing. They are preparing for a mission that is so much bigger than themselves. And that's God. God did that.

I have welled up with pride in these students on more than one occasion, not for the work that my hands have done in their lives, because my hands and works have nothing to do with it, but because of what the Almighty God has done working through me and my work. What a blessing and a joy to be doing the work of God every day, changing lives has He orchestrates.

And although this road has not been the easiest or safest or surest route, it has been the road designated just for me. Although it has been hard, it's been good, oh so good. How can I ever give thanks to God enough for the wonders of His never ending love? And how will I ever stop bragging about my wonderful God?

Waxed

Only at UD do things like this happen.

I have been asking for the last six months for a little job to be done in my office that would take about a half an hour to complete by Maintenance but would allow me to do a million other projects, and it still sits undone. However, today, upon discovering that there was a sizable smudge on the freshly waxed floors immediately outside my office door, they decided to sand, scrub, and re-wax the floor without even notifying me. I left for lunch having to walk over damp, recently mopped floors, and when I returned an hour later, the entire floor my office is on was locked (with my keys inside) with a sign that said "WET WAX. DO NOT ENTER."

Really? Really, maintenance staff? You waxed the only entrance to my office in the hour that I was gone, requiring me to either sit outside my office for the rest of the day, go home, or break in to the floor and tip toe across the shiny surface in order to get some work done. I chose the latter because there are things to be done. But I'm sure I'll hear about it tomorrow morning.

Only at UD...

The Best Granola Ever

There seems to be some buzz about my granola lately, so I suppose I'll share my recipe, although if I was smart, I'd sell the rights to it or sell the product itself. I could make a killing. In fact, I may just do that...but not for you guys. You, the faithful few readers, you get it for free. :)

Best Granola Ever

Dry Ingredients:
5 cups old fashioned oats (not the quick cooking kind)
2 cups almonds (I use natural, no salt, whole almonds)
1/2 cup sunflower seeds (again, natural, no salt, shelled seeds)
1/2 cup pumpkin seeds (same deal)
3/4 cup light brown sugar
2 tsp. cinnamon
1 tsp. ground ginger
1 tsp. nutmeg
a sprinkle of ground cloves (a little goes a long way)

Wet Ingredients:
1/2 cup unsweetened apple sauce
1/4 cup honey
1/4 cup maple syrup
1 Tbsp. Karo syrup

Later Additions:
1/3 cup raisins
1/3 cup golden raisins
1/3 cup dried cranberries

Directions:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Mix all dry ingredients in a large bowl. In a separate small bowl, mix all wet ingredients. Slowly add wet mixture to dry mixture, stirring well until all is evenly mixed.

Grease two or three 9x13 or larger cake pans. Spread mixture evenly in a thin layer in each pan. Bake at 350 for 45 minutes, stirring every 10 minutes and rotating the pans in the oven. Note: I stop the timer when I take the pans out and stir and switch around the pans, so total time for baking may end up longer than 45 minutes. Watch granola closely during the last 5-10 minutes as it can go from beautifully golden to burnt very quickly.

When granola is perfectly golden, remove from oven and allow to cool in pans. Continue stirring every 10 minutes or so to keep it from clumping into one huge bar. Once cool, add the dried fruit. Store in air tight baggies or containers.

Feel free to add different combinations of seeds, grains, nuts, and fruits (dried apples are good, dried tropical fruits could be interesting...) to make your granola your own.

Enjoy!

14,000 Feet

Althought it's been a few weeks since my trip, I wanted to take a moment and chronical the journey, mainly so I could look back someday and smile.

Dad and I took our first he-and-I vacation this summer to the wild west of Colorado. The goal: climb as many 14,000-foot mountains as we could in four days. We took off early on Saturday, July 11th and drove the whole way in a day to our destination of Dillon, Colorado.

Once there, we debated climbing a smaller peak on day one or head straight for the big guns. Of course, we decided to do a 14er on the first day. Mt. Sherman would be our first climb. It's known to the 14er circles as one of the easiest 14ers in Colorado, so we figured we could tackle it. As it turns out, "easy" is a relative term. I thought it was a tough climb, but it was my own fault after all. I was too darn lazy to train for the trip, and some last minute planning left me with little time to train anyway. My scrawny legs struggled to propel my body up the mountain, but luckily, my will and ambition were just slightly stronger than my muscles, and we made the summit in a matter of hours.

The second day, we tackled Quandary Peak. This was a tricky one because all of the trail guides we had read listed it as a Class 1, which signifies that the path should be clear, safe, and "easy". There's that word again. Quandary was a constant slope, almost never leveling out anywhere. And it was long - over six miles round trip. Imagine, if you will, walking up a ramp, at about a 45 degree angle, for over three miles - that's Quandary Peak. My calves were so sore, I didn't know what to do with myself on the way up, and on the way down, our knees where crying equally as loud. Even though it was long and tough, it was pretty darn fun. We encountered several mountain goats on our way up that seemed to want to play or eat or something that was much too close for comfort. We did get caught it a bit of a rain storm on the way down, but it wasn't too bad - just rain, no hail.

On day three, we were ready to tackle a behemouth of a mountain hike - the DeCaLiBron - four peaks, all at 14,000 feet or higher. We arrived at the trailhead at some terrible hour (left the hotel at 4:00 am), and hit the trail with some nice folks from Texas unintentionally. The first peak was tough, steep and rocky, with the occasional complete lack of any trail at all. The peak was celebrated with all at the top, then we headed down the saddle to peak two. On top of peak two, the wind picked up like nothing I had ever seen. It was constant, steady, freezing, and somewhere in the realm of 40 miles per hour or so. But we powered on to peak three. By now, we were pretty sure we were nuts, but we had no other option but to finish up the run with the forth peak...which we promptly followed with a wrong turn and an abandoned extremely steep path down to the bottom. But hey, it makes for a cool story, right? :)

After that, we talked about doing Grays and Torreys, two notoriously tough peaks that my parents tackled half of last year. But, being the wimp that I am, I just couldn't make my legs climb any more.

Climbing 14ers isn't like just climbing any old mountain path. It's like joining an elite club. On the way up, you encourage people you pass, or more than likely, they encourage you as they pass you. When you show up at the summit, people cheer (seriously), and sometimes you get random high-fives and such. You swap stories of summit experiences (heard about a blizzard in July, a helicopter ride after a broken foot, and so many others). And the first question you hear is typically, "How many have you done?".

I rather enjoy the 14er club, and I am very excited for future trips into rougher territory, climbing steeper and longer trails. But next time, I'll be in better shape...at least my calves hope so. :)

Oh Dear

Several of you have already heard this story, but I usually feel better after writing about things, so thus...

Last week at church, I was approached by a man I had met before and talked with a few times. He always used to ask me if I had a boyfriend or if I was planning to get married someday, just, I thought as to give me a bit of a hard time. I would laugh and reply that I did not, and that I wasn't in a hurry. His wife would roll her eyes. But I digress.

He approached me and shook my hand, asked me how things were going. I replied politely, and went to walk away when he started to say, "You know, Lindsey, I wasn't going to come to church today. I had a lot of other things to do, but I decided to come because God told me I should talk with you..." Well then. So, I smiled and continued to politely carry on conversation. The next thing he said when I asked him how things were going was, "Well, I'm not married anymore," while pointing to his ring finger.

Red flag number one. I knew where this was headed.

He went on to tell me about his "other family" from his first wife and his older kids (in their 20s).

Red flag number two. This one was a surprise...not where I thought things were headed.

He went on still to say that he wanted to get to know me and that sometime we should go for a walk or meet for lunch if time allowed.

Red flag number three...ah, this is the direction I anticipated. But, I'm running out of red flags by this time. I was barely speaking at all...just attempting to become invisible right in front of him.

Then he asked for my email address. And for some reason, I gave it to him. Why did I do that?

Twenty minutes later, I was finally free, but my creep-o-meter was off the charts. And then of course there was the little display of affection in the parking lot where this man proceeded to honk his horn and yell goodbye out the window of his car. And to wrap it up, there was the expected email a few hours later asking for my phone number...which I did not share.

Now, all of that seems pretty tame really. I mean, that's all that happened. But those red flags, for some reason, are stuck on alert mode. I couldn't even look at him this week in church. I hid out until he was gone, hoping and praying that he wouldn't come talk to me. He didn't.

Do I have a sign on my back that says, "I love awkward social situations and am available to ridiculously incompatible people only."?

I wanted so badly to just stand up for myself and say, "You know what? I'm not sure what gave you the idea that I was interested in any sort of relationship at all, but I'm not. So please go away." I mean, that would have done the trick. But I just kept thinking, "Christian love. Christian love. Treat him like a brother. You wouldn't want to be shot down if this was you. Christian love." But I think that those lines get blurred and confused between women and men sometimes. My "Christian love" efforts apparently sometimes get misconstrued into romantic feelings or interest or actions in a man's mind.

Well, the moral of the story is that I'm still insanely uncomfortable for whatever reason. But luckily, I have a wonderful church family that are watching out for me. I am so thankful for that. A few weeks away from church will feel pretty good, I think, and hopefully realign my focus away from this situation and back on God...and on other important things...things like mountain top hikes to 14,000 feet. Pray for my peace of mind in the mean time.

A (Gainfully Employed) Year in Review

Yesterday was my one-year anniversary of being employed at the University of Dubuque, so I thought it would be fitting to spend some time this morning looking over my blog entries from a year ago. Turns out, they're great for a laugh. Check out July and August 2008 archives to re-enjoy them as I have (be sure to read from bottom to top).

God has been so good in this last year. Not only has He brought me to the place that He wants me to be, He's molded me and changed me for the better, equipping me for even better use by Him. When I started this job, I was, in a word, overwhelmed...overwhelmed with life, coming at me from all angles, with everything it had tho throw at me. I was a full time grad student and full time rookie employee, all the while fighting to be a good girlfriend, good friend, good daughter, and all around good person...many of which I was really no good at at all for a time. I was high strung, wound too tight, eating too little, and fighting too hard to make all the spinning plates stay atop their respective posts. But that was only for a season.

I can't quite identify the moment it happened, but I was changed completely. I learned what true reliance on God felt like, and why it is so extremely crucial to my survival in this world. And my whole personality has been altered for the better as one who now strives for calm, peaceful moments.

All of this, I've poured out to you before here, so I won't draw on about that for too much longer...

Over the past year:

• I have attended forty plus concerts, comedians, hypnotists, or entertainers.
• I have been on seven or so trips with students, one of which was an overnight trip to a conference, and several of which were on filled charter buses.
• I managed to come out ahead in all of my department budgets while effectively spending a few hundred thousand dollars.
• I ran a New Student Orientation program, a Homecoming Week (completely with parade), and a Spring Fling Week all for the first time, and all without major incident.
• I somehow convinced campus to let me move my office to a primo location in the Student Union (at least we're making progress on that front still).
• I have made (or at least I think I have made) no enemies across campus.
• I have given Ramen noodles away as a game show prize.
• I've been bowling three times, played mini golf once, was a game show judge once on accident, gone out to eat numerous times, and build dance decorations all as part of my job.
• I started several new initiatives while leaving a few others behind.
• I have learned about politics and played the game, if I do say so myself, pretty darn well.
• I have made an impact while remaining completely true to myself and my faith.
• I've laughed more than I've cried.

And with all that in one year, who can ask for more? Alright, it's back to work for me. Of all the things I have mastered this year, staying on top of my voicemails is not one of them...I guess that's what I'll be doing the rest of today.

The Idea of a Prayer Journal

I've been thinking about this for a while now. I've been trying to come up with the best way to go about it.... a prayer journal.

The idea sounds great. A prayer journal would provide me a way to keep track of all those people that I tell, I'm praying for you. It would even be a way to look back and see the real results of prayer, a view of how God is answering prayer, not only in my life, but the lives of those around me.

But the execution of it seem pretty overwhelming. Just to think of all the times in a week that I say, I'm praying for you...what does that look like in a journal? Does it look like the same things on every page for weeks? Or does it require me to look back and pray over all those different things until I know prayers have been answered?

Probably the most overwhelming thing about a prayer journal would be the fact that it may actually keep me accountable for all those, I'm praying for you's that I throw out there. It takes away the excuse to pray for someone or something just quick once or twice. A journal would actually make me spend some serious time in prayer, more than once, more than just quick.

And honestly, maybe that's what's missing in my walk with God right now - some serious accountablity in our relationship. The circumstances of my life right now have not permitted me to have a ton of accountability to others, although this is something that I am striving for, but that is no reason to lack accountability for myself.

So, overwhelming or not, I think that a prayer journal is good thing for me, something that will hopefully deepen my prayer life, focus me in, and realign my heart with God.

If you keep a prayer journal and happen to be reading along, feel free to leave me a comment on what you've done and how it's been working in your life.

Unwound

I love who I'm becoming. It may sound silly just to throw that out there like that, but it is so true. I never imagined that God would bring me to this point. A little less than a year ago, I embarked a new adventure that I felt led to with absolutely no idea where it would take me. But through the ups and downs that I'm sure I've talked about before, I have been transformed, a transformation that I can feel and see and enjoy (and hopefully others can, too).

I have unwound. Once upon a time I was wound so tight, you could have sworn I was a yo-yo or or a lawn mower with a pull-string starter. Wind me up and watch me go. I was a reckless force on a self-destructive path of perfection seeking, stress, and pent-up anxiety over all sorts of things. Now, although the occasional unjust moment can crank me tight for a few seconds, I am able to lay back and enjoy life in its imperfect messiness. And that's okay.

It's not that I'm no longer striving to do my best work or work as hard as I can; it's not that I've become lazy or nonchalant about life and my surroundings; it's just that...well, I can't even really put a finger on what it is... It just feels like once I was constricted and wound tight about everything, as if forced to run a race with a fifty foot rope tying my arms to my sides, and now that rope has fallen off and my arms are free...or sort of like I was free-falling from an airplane in a frantic effort to find my chute...and finally I found the pull and the chute deployed... I don't know...it's just a huge burden that I didn't even know I had has been removed from my shoulders. Blessing!

The best part of this transformation is that it was not something that I asked for specifically in prayer. It came because God knows me better than I know myself. How good it is to have such a caring God. And you know what? Even if no one else has or will ever notice my transformation, I know, and that's what's important. Whether evident to the outside world or not, I'm free.

I love who I'm becoming.

The Worst Thing

This is some perspective gained from little moments with close friends.

What's the worst thing that could happen? What's the worst thing that could happen if you didn't get the laundry switched, the email checked, or that one last thing bought? It could be that if you don't check your email, you'll miss a note about a meeting, miss the meeting, fail to complete the project at the meeting, get fired, lose your house and all your things, and end up homeless on the streets. Or, perhaps, you could just check your email tomorrow.

Once upon a time, I used to be crazy. I would fly around trying to get every last detail arranged, trying to be ahead of schedule, tyring to make sure it was all just so. And although that ghost occasionally slips out of the closet, I find that that's a pretty rough approach to life. (Refer to post archives about the "lost years" for more information on that topic.)

Will I really end up homeless on the streets if I don't complete my to-do list today? Will the world come to an end if a detail slips my mind? Certainly this is not the case. Does this give me an excuse to be lazy and non-determined in my work? Absolutely not. This simply gives me permission to not always have to be all things to all people. It gives me the go-ahead to make a mistake or two. It allows me to end my day when the day is done, not when my list is done.

Life can get chaotic. It's true. Things tend to pile up all at once, and it can feel pretty overwhelming. But that's the time when we need this perspective the most. We need to hold on tight knowing that much of the list is bound to be left until tomorrow and knowing that it will, eventually, get better. And that's okay.

After all, what's the worst thing that could happen?

Killing Myself

No, it's not what you think. I have absolutely zero suicidal tendencies, and the thought has honestly never come close to crossing my mind. But apparently, I'm still working on killing myself.

I went to the doctor about a month ago...a new doctor....for the annual womanly check up. And everything went really well, except for this one little thing. Previous doctors had always commented on this one little thing, but no one had ever stopped to me to say they were worried about it: high blood pressure. It seems so insignificant really. The words "high blood pressure" aren't particularly frightening...not like "heart attack" or "cancer," so I've always just played it off. Oh, it's always been that high...probably nothing to worry about.

But this new doctor stopped me in my tracks last month. She suggested a change that I could make that was pretty small and would save me some money by getting off a perscription that I actually didn't really need anymore. She said that that would probably fix it, told me to come back in a month, and we'd talk more then.

Today was a month later, and as promised I swung in over lunch and got my reading taking. Again, it was the same sort of hypertentious high as it had been before. I wasn't even scheduled to see the doctor, just a nurse, but sure enough, the doctor wanted to see me. She came in with a crumpled up face and told me she wasn't very happy with me. "This is not good," was repeated more than once.

After more talking, it pretty much came down to: figure out how to eat better and live better because right now you're killing yourself (maybe in not so many words...), and come back in a month.

Let's face the facts here. I live my life like an obese person. I know that. I eat bad for me foods including primarily pre-packaged, chemically treated, frozen, boxed, cupped, or otherwise instant food varieties because it's faster and easier than making real foods. I don't work out enough (sometimes not at all). And I don't give much regard to anything healthy. Did I just eat half that brick of cream cheese by myself? Wow, the whole frozen pizza is gone. How many cookies until it's considered gluttonous? But with this new ultimatum: eat health or risk an early death, it has me once again rethinking things.

I can't imagine what weight news like cancer or disease would carry after hearing this little, seemingly insignificant news of hypertention. I feel completely paranoid today, considering everything that I put in my mouth as a possible poison that will lead to my ever-shortening lifespan. Will I have a heart attack when my grandkids are too young to remember me?

So, I have to find a way out. I have to seek out a solution. Food shouldn't be that hard. It becomes eating to live a good and healthy life not just eating to satisfy me right now. This will not be an easy road to travel. I will, undoubtedly break down and want to eat that large pizza or every cookie in the package, but I will...I must try something new. Pray for me on this journey, because no one knows better that I just how weak I am. Cheers to a new lifestyle! Who wants to come with me?

A Place to Call Home

It has been a bit since my last update, but mainly because so much has been going on. It's hard to keep up, but regardless of the hustle-bustle of it all, I can't say it's not good.

In the last few months, I have been pressing hard to complete grad school, and the light is peeking up upon the horizon. This weekend I'll be packing my bags and jetting across the country to Seattle for a conference and to meet my class for the very first time. It seems funny, as these have been the people I've been chatting and learning with for the past two years of life. I told the class once that they were all like those obscure relatives that live far away. You never talk to them much, but you know they're still family. And because of that fact, you still like 'em. Same deal here. Most of us have never met, but we're all pretty excited to get together. I'm traveling with a travel buddy that I won't meet until travels begin. But it should be a great time. There are only 74 days until commencement, and less than that to get projects done, but who's counting?

In the last week, I ended one of the most frustrating endeavors of my life by finding a house...not just any house, but my house. And it is lovely. There is some work to be done, but it will be my work (ok, and my family's). Expect many backyard barbeques at Lindsey's this summer.

It was amazing that God revealed Himself to me the way He did in this whole time of searching. There were a few times throughout the search that I found it difficult to trust God to provide for me. How does that happen? How do we struggle to trust in the One who has never let us down? Not only did I find a home that is more than I need, but I also (all in one day, mind you) found a source of furniture to furnish the rooms that would have otherwise remained empty, and found money to pay for things I didn't think I could afford, in the form of an unexpected tax refund. So, as all of this was discovered on Saturday, I was overwhelmed with the fact that I should never waver in my trust in the Lord. He is the one thing in life that has never once left me alone. God is so good!

It should be a crazy next few weeks with a trip, a wedding to sing in, a whole apartment to pack, and a move to make. Crazy, but oh so good.

I'd like to leave you with a quote from a great woman from my church. She is so wise. "Finding a house is like giving birth. You won't ever remember the painful part." And perhaps she is right.

Moonbeams

Tonight, while driving my long commute home, I couldn't help but be enamored with the brilliance of the moon shining through the quickly passing clouds. The bluish silver hue that was cast upon the melting snow and filling streams was like nothing I had seen.

Prior to the moment I realized the moon was out and shining brightly, there were thousands of thoughts running through my head, nearly trampling over themselves trying to get out of my cluttered brain. Why are students so crabby? What new things can I do to generate excitement on campus? I need to do this...finish that...Did I lock my office? Voicemail...email...ugh, you didn't check your mailbox. Dirty lunch dishes...Did I water the plants? I'm so sick...should I stay home tomorrow?

But in a single moment, all of the clutter faded into the background. My mind grew hushed. The beauty of the moonbeams flooded every inch of thought and feeling. And after a few moments of just peace, a single thought came to my mind. I want to be like the moon. The moon doesn't create its own light. It doesn't shine on its own. It's merely just a rock in the sky, circling the earth. But it reflects the sun's light from a vast distance and provides a glow that is unmissable. And that is exactly what I want in my life. I want to reflect the Son's brilliance through my very own moonbeams. I want to be unmissable, not because of my own beauty. Because the moon without the sun, after all, is just a rock in the sky. I without my Jesus am just a empty dull being, purposeless and unnoticeable. But with the Son's light reflecting through me, I am given my purpose, my beauty, my unmistakable glow.

I pray that I can be a moonbeam to the earth, reflecting Your very beauty, Your loveliness to Your creation. Without Your shine, I cannot glow, not even a flicker of light will shine from me. With Your light, let me beam Your presence to all who are near.

Enthusiasm

I find people often commenting about my abounding energy and enthusiasm for just about anything in life. But I began to wonder, Why does my enthusiasm stand out so much?

Last night was a great example of people's dying enthusiasm about life. It made me crabby but also made me chuckle just a little bit. We had an "all organizations" meeting for the spring semester - a way to gather up some central leaders on campus and chat about the current issues, questions, and problems going on in campus involvement. Part of the meeting went kind of like this:

Why do we have to be at this meeting? Is it going to take the full two hours? Where's the free food we were promised? I don't want to be forced to go to Student Government meetings.... (lots more grumbling from the entire group...)

Why aren't more people involved on campus? No one comes to our stuff. This campus just doesn't give a crap.

Really? You really think that people are going to come to things? You really think people are going to get involved when that's what they are greeted with? The resounding sounds of crabby people that aren't excited about what they do, what their mission is, or how they change the world around them?

The fact of the matter is that enthusiasm tends to breed only more enthusiasm, but a bad attitude breed all sorts of issues that run way deeper. A bad attitude can lead to negative actions toward people you care about, things you do, and even things you know nothing about. And the worst part of it all is that, for one reason or another, a negative attitude is so much easier to spread around than a positive one.

So, yeah, much of this campus, frankly, doesn't give a hoot about what is happening around them, but look at their examples, a bunch of involved, but equally grumpy, apathetic individuals living the exact same way.

So, I say, come on people. Take a look at what you're spreading around. Only you can work to make this a better place with better attitudes and attention to surroundings. Be truly excited about what you do, and for Pete's sake, share that with people! What could it hurt?

Frustration

I'm a little confused. At myself.

Never have I experienced such a frustrating endeavor as house hunting. I'm not typically quick to anger or frustration, and I consider myself a relatively patient person with a logical head on my shoulders.

Why then do I feel myself flying into a rage over my current situation? Why am I eternally frustrated over all the places I've seen? Why can't I cut my loses and move on to bigger and better things?

There are a few things I know in all of this, which, unfortunately only add to my confusion. 1) I know that God provides. I really don't have anything to worry about at all when it comes to finding a home. When I'm meant to have a home, I'll have one. And 2) parents are usually right. And if they say I need to wait on it, then most likely, that's what I need to do.

Somehow those two things don't eliminate my frustrations. They still bubble up right under the surface and seem to fester and explode with every new ugly house I see. Pretty thankfully, I have understanding parents, and I have a God that allows me to come to Him with my tears, questions, and frustrations. He let's me blow off my steam, waits until I'm finished, only to remind me that He's already taking care of it. Why can't I remember this? He's already got it. Somehow in all of this, I need to figure out how to let go and get back to real trust, knowing that through all the ugly houses left behind and all the pretty ones snatched up from beneath me, it is not madness or randomness or circumstance. Somehow, someway, it is exactly how it was intended to be. Unfortunately, my weak and weary human nature probably won't let me see it until I've gotten through and take a look back.

Your timing, not mine. Your plan, not my own. One step at a time...

Something's Missing: Follow Up

So, Divinely, on Sunday, Pastor Ken's sermon was on the very topic of love. After feeling so passionately that God was telling me to focus on this topic, it turns out, He's moving others' hearts toward this as well.

If you get a moment, please listen to Ken's sermon. You can find it here.

God works in such cool ways.