Grace & Humility

Last week in the Wendt program, we watched (part of) Les Miserables to spark a discussion about grace. In the movie, the main character is a thief who spends significant time in prison, and then is released with papers naming him forever a criminal. Homeless and hungry after his release, he knocks on a bishop's door for food and shelter, even announcing that he was a criminal, as if to say, You shouldn't trust me. But the bishop, without hesitation or speculation, invites him in for dinner and offers him a bed to sleep in. True to form, the criminal rises in the middle of the night, packs up the bishop's earthly treasures, knocks out the bishop, and runs. When caught by the authorities, they brought him back to the bishop's house to return to goods, but the bishop swore up and down that the man was his guest and he had given him the treasures as gifts. In a single statement, the bishop releases the criminal from a lifetime of shame and hardship, freeing him of all guilt...only if he accepts it.

The idea of accepting the gift of grace has really been hitting me in a new way since I've stopped to think about it. Because I think that it is possible, and maybe more frequent than anyone cares to admit, to ignore the gift of grace - to refuse it. But what makes us refuse it? What makes us turn away from this gift? I can only think of one thing. Pride. We only refuse grace because we don't think we need it. 

What do we have to do, then, before we can accept grace? We must first accept that we need it. In order to do this, we have to lower ourselves to the reality that we've screwed up, that we're not perfect, that we need a gift we know we don't deserve. Humility. Humbleness is an absolute necessity. 

But if humbleness is a requirement for becoming a recipient of grace, is there a requirement for the giver? It is compassion? Love? Obligation?

And, assuming Newton's laws are true, then what is the reaction of giving and receiving grace? For the receiver, humility leads to gratitude? Service? And for the giver? Joy? Obedience to God? Peace? Why can't I put the right words to this? 

Grace is quickly becoming something that as I learn more about it, I need to learn more about it. The more clear I think it is becoming, the more questions I have. More to come, it seems.

Holy Ephesians! (Part Two)

I left off in a state of crazy overwhelmedness in part one of this Ephesians 1 discovery at the end of verse 8. I've read chapter 1 a few times since then, so I'm going to try to get through another section of this beautiful letter from Paul. 

Verses 9-10: "And he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, to be put into effect when the times will have reached their fulfillment - to bring all things in heaven and on earth together under one head, even Christ." I can't honestly say that at this time I feel like God has made known to me the mystery of his will...I mean, most days it still feels completely like a mystery. But I'm pretty sure what Paul more likely meant was that God revealed how He was going to save us when He sent Jesus, Jesus died, and Jesus rose from them dead. When Jesus rose from the dead, people knew what it was that he had done - and the mystery of God's will was made known to us. And we know, too, how the story is going to end. It ends with a new heaven and earth, and all believers together worshiping Christ forever. 

The next few verses, I really have to break down, but verses 11-12: "In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of his will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory." Um...what? Paul, too many thoughts buddy. Slow down so that the rest of us can understand. Okay, so God had a plan, and that was to save me. And I should be saved to the very glory of God. I feel like that makes sense, but am I getting it all here? God's glory is revealed through His saving of me?

Verses 13-14: "And you also were included in Christ when you hear the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God's possession - to the praise of his glory." I can't honestly say that I've ever thought of the Holy Spirit as the down payment that ensures my inheritance. I've always just though of the Holy Spirit as that part of the three-in-one-God that lives in our hearts, and there just wasn't much thought beyond that. But because I have the Holy Spirit dwelling in me, I know that my future is secure. I know that at the day of God's redemption of His people, I'll be saved. And that's the deposit, the down payment, the signature on the contract, if I've ever seen one. And all of that is done by God and to the glory of God. 

After reading this passage this carefully, combing through every phrase, realizing what it all might possibly mean, I wonder what Pastor Ken was thinking making it the memory verses for church for the past few months. There's so much here that we're all missing. But, I guess it got me to dig in a little deeper, explore a little further, and I guess if it was just me in the whole church that took the time (and will still need more time) to explore this passage at all, then maybe Ken, or much more likely, God, really did know what He was doing.

When Good Things Go Bad

Sometimes even the best things go bad. Sometimes they go there gradually, and sometimes all at once. But what are we supposed to gain out of the bad? What are we supposed to learn? In the moments that good things go badly, it's easy to quickly lose perspective, to  become bitter or hostile or mopey. But there is undoubtedly some lesson, some growth, some good that must come from bad things.

We know from Romans 8:28 that "...in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." How do we reconcile that with the fact that things will go bad sometimes? If we back up a bit in Romans 8, we find that (verse 26-27), " In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will." This sounds a little bit more like bad things can and do happen. But despite the bad, God can and does still orchestrate it into something good. 

There has to be then a certain hope that we just have to cling to as things go wrong that even in the struggle, the trial, the trouble, that God said it would be good, so whether I see it or not, experience it in a tangible way or not, that it is indeed good. And in that hope, I am called to not only endure whatever hardship or trial that surrounds me, but I should actually count it a joy. In James, we read, "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing" (1:2-4).

I am often drawn back to a sermon I heard once at my church. The gist of the entire sermon was that in life we will have hard times. We can be assured of that fact. But that hard things aren't always bad things. And even if they are bad things, they can indeed be good. We don't grow, develop, or learn when things are easy. It is in the hard things that our hearts are touched, lessons are learned, growth happens. So, it has to be concluded that very often hard things and good things come together. They are not mutually exclusive. 

So, it is with an attitude of gratitude and joy that I accept (or at least try very hard to accept) trials, hardships, the bad things in life because I know that there is something good that God is bringing me in order to strengthen my faith, to refine my beliefs, to grow my relationship with Him. And that is very good.

Divine Interventions

It never ceases to amaze me that God has the ability (okay, so obviously He has the ability...it more amazes me that He cares), to constantly align the path of my life to intersect the life of someone else so that we meet at the exact time that we may need each other most. God can work in whatever way He wants. If He wanted to make our lives better, He could just do it. But most often He chooses to work through imperfect us to meet each other's needs. God's desire to use us is a whole 'nother topic for a whole 'nother time.

Recently, I had myself an awfully bad day. They happen every once and a while...even to the most perky, positive, and purposeful of individuals. I had made some vital errors at work (wouldn't work be so much easier if I was just perfect?), and had a pretty rough conversation that needed to be had with someone. Feeling attacked, weary, and pretty defeated, I sent out a call for prayer from a few women that I knew would for sure follow through, just asking for peace and maybe a reprieve from the terrible day. Today, I ran into one of them, Annalee, and we met for impromptu lunch on campus.

It didn't take long for us both to realize that this lunch was orchestrated well beyond our understanding...just at the moment when I needed someone to share with. We prayed together, shed a few tears over the pure greatness of God, hugged, and went on with our day. We both knew that God had brought us together for a purpose. I look forward to seeing what God does with the continual building of our relationship.

And, you know, it's not just today that I've seen this happen. It seems that God has brought people into my life over and over again, for purposes that sometimes I'm not even aware of at the time. Sometimes I need a friend, sometimes I need a laugh, sometimes I get to serve others in purposes, too. I thank God for His divine timing and for the people He knows that need to connect at certain times in certain ways. And I thank God for people like my family, Megan, Annalee, Janet, Carol...

Holy Ephesians! (Part One)

Since the memory verses at church for the past month or two have been based in Ephesians 1, and because it came up in chapel this week, I feel the need to start there. 

I don't know much about Paul, the author, much beyond Sunday school lessons (persecuting Christians, road to Damascas, became an amazing missionary...you know). But out of all of the new testament writers, for some reason, I feel the most affinity toward him, like maybe he and I would have gotten along pretty well. I don't know why so much, it's just a feeling. His writings intrigue me.

When I read through Ephesians 1 for the first time tonight, I had to keep stopping and starting all over the place in a desperate attempt to try to figure out where one thought ended and another began. Apparently the Greek language wasn't so big on punctuation. But there's a strange excitement that results from all the run-ons...as if Paul couldn't even control the words flowing to the page as he wrote.

Verse 3 starts out, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ..." So far I'm tracking with this - praise Him, got it. "...who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ." Every spiritual blessing - like salvation, spiritual gifts, the Holy Spirit in our hearts, perhaps?

Okay, I've already got to stop and recap. Praise God who gives you good things through Jesus. Deep breath.

Verse 4: "For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight." Here's our first look at grace. Clearly, we are not holy or blameless. God knew that. From the beginning. He still chose us. To really comprehend what that means is so very far above my head. I'm worthless but God chooses to provide me my worth. 

Verse 5: "In love, he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will..." Pleasure...I'm not sure I really caught that the first time or two through. It pleases God to adopt me. It gives him joy. Even though it was only through the death of Jesus that the Father received me as His daughter, it still gives Him pleasure? The Amplified translation says, "[actually picked us out for Himself as His own]" and I feel like every time I read this verse, I stick a question mark in there because it such a thought.

Verse 6: "...-to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves." Ahh, grace. There it is again. And this time, it is emphasized how free it is. 

Verses 7-8: "In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding." I had to stop and remind myself what redemption really meant. Mirriam Webster comes in handy quite often for me. To redeem is to buy or win back, to free from consequences, to release from blame or debt...the only way we get any of that is through the blood of Jesus. Accept what Jesus did for you and you become redeemed. And not only do we get all of the beautiful benefits of being redeemed, but we also get to be lavished with the riches of God's grace. Lavished, as in given abundantly, exceedingly, immeasurably. And Paul let's us know that He did indeed know what he was doing.

I am just drowning in the depth of this verse right now. Praise God who gives you good things through Jesus. He chose to make you his child, which only He can do through the free gift of Jesus' life. It costs Him more than a lot to save us, but it still gives Him joy.

I honestly have to stop there. I keep reading this over and over trying to grasp just a little more. To me, it's still so unthinkable. So immeasurable. All these weeks in church, I just couldn't figure out why we kept reading the same verses over and over, or why they were selected for us in the first place. Now I know. This passage packs so much. If we can even get just a tiny piece out of this, we've gained so much. 

Thank you Father for the mysteries of your love, the depth of your grace, the complexities of You. Thank you for adopting me through Your Son. I can't imagine trading one child's life for another, but that's what You did for me. You deserve all the praise that I could ever muster up. Your love is so far beyond what I can understand.

A Passionate Fool

Lately I've been feeling torn, convicted, and maybe off-balance. It's been difficult to put a finger on exactly what it is that I'm feeling and experiencing, but a recent sermon put it in some pretty basic terms that I think are helping me to sort it all out. 

God calls us to love him with all of our hearts, souls, minds, and strength (Mark 12:30 as well as the other gospels). And the sermon I listened to broke down what each of those pieces could mean in our lives. And in discussing the sermon with a friend, it suddenly gripped me that I was completely unbalanced in my approach to loving God. 

Anyone that knows me knows me to be an extremely passionate individual. I live life in nearly pure emotion, acting on gut feelings, getting lost in music, laughing and crying hard. If I'm going to experience the world, let me experience it in this way...with high highs and low lows. This is how I love on God, too. My heart is madly, deeply, passionately in love with my Savior. I feel God in me. I feel like I commune with God in a real way. And I can express my love for God as passionately. Songs sometimes flow out of me unexpectedly. Music reaches me in a way that little else can. I move for God, act for God, serve for God...

But do you know what all of this passion has done for me? It's made me incredibly lazy. If I can feel God, certainly I must know God. But loving God does not inherently give me a knowledge of God. I know that I love God with my whole heart (choosing to follow His will actively) and my soul (where all of that passion resides), but am I loving Him with my whole mind? Am I dedicating time to learning about my God? The answer is undoubtedly no. 

Although I have not abandoned the Word by any stretch, I have become complacent that I must know what's in there. I've read a lot of the Bible, and I look up verses pretty often when I certain concept or thought crosses my mind. But when is the last time that I have studied the Word? When was the last time that I dove into a topic just hungry to know what God had to say about it? I'm embarrassed to admit that I have no clue. And if I'm not doing that, then how do I know what God says or thinks about the things happening to me and in the world? I won't. 

This is pretty scary thought. If I don't know God's heart, then how will I know how to listen to Him? How will I know how to talk to Him? How will I know if I'm even in His will? Following a feeling is not the same thing as following Christ. Lots of things can conjure feelings, emotions and passions. Injustice, family, music, success, individuals...none of these things are Christ. 

My friend shared a verse with me today that I didn't even know was in the Bible, and today it's speaking directly to me: 2 Cor 11:3 “I am fearful, lest that even as the serpent beguiled Eve by his cunning, so your minds may be corrupted and seduced from wholehearted and sincere and pure devotion to Christ” (AMP). Could it be? Could I be so passionate that I blindly pursue Christ and somewhere in the midst become lost and deceived? The fact is, Satan will find any crack in my armor and begin to pry it open...even the very thing that seems to drive my spiritual life. 

So, excuses need to be laid down today. The excuse, I know I know God because of how I feel for Him, doesn't work because feelings can lead astray. The excuse, I read the Bible pretty often, so I don't need to establish a routine or discipline of it, doesn't work because reading the Bible only to grab a verse here and there is not learning the Word. The excuse, I'm just too busy, doesn't work because I'm not even trying right now, so there can be time if I make the time. The excuse, I don't know where to start, isn't valid anymore because there are things being laid on my heart that I'm simply ignoring. 

Today, I will begin to take away Satan's stronghold, eliminate the laziness and lies that I've built my passionate but unknowledgeable faith life around, and start to learn about my God again. The passion can certainly only grow stronger as I learn more...and there is so very much to learn.

Some Initial Ramblings on Grace and Gratitude

As previously mentioned, I have joined in with the Wendt program as a mentor, and the theme this semester is Grace & Gratitude: Grounds for Good Character. Now, I may not be so much into alliteration such as this but I think the topics, nonetheless, are sound. They seem so simple in design, like something everyone should just inherently understand. But take a look at the definitions (thank you, Merriam Webster):

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grace noun \ˈgrās\

1a : unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification b : a virtue coming from God c : a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine grace

2a : approval, favor graces> b archaic : mercy, pardon c : a special favor : privilege grace, shall rule his heritage — Rudyard Kipling> d : disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy, or clemency e : a temporary exemption : reprieve

3a : a charming or attractive trait or characteristic b : a pleasing appearance or effect : charm grace of youth — John Buchan> c : ease and suppleness of movement or bearing

4—used as a title of address or reference for a duke, a duchess, or an archbishop

5: a short prayer at a meal asking a blessing or giving thanks

6 plural capitalized : three sister goddesses in Greek mythology who are the givers of charm and beauty

7: a musical trill, turn, or appoggiatura

8a : sense of propriety or right grace not to run for elective office — Calvin Trillin> b : the quality or state of being considerate or thoughtful

grat·i·tude noun \ˈgra-tə-ˌtüd, -ˌtyüd\

: the state of being grateful : thankfulness

thank·ful adj  \ˈthaŋk-fəl\

1: conscious of benefit received thankful>

2: expressive of thanks <thankful service>

3: well pleased : glad thankful that it didn't rain>

 

thanks noun pl \ˈthaŋ(k)s\

1: kindly or grateful thoughts : gratitude

2: an expression of gratitude thanks before the meal> —often used in an utterance containing no verb and serving as a courteous and somewhat informal expression of gratitude thanks>

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Talk about convoluted and confusing. Gratitude is defined by thankfulness which is in turn only defined in gratitude. It's like we know what it means but can't effectively put it into any words that make any good sense.  How do I know I'm thankful? How do I express gratitude? What affect does gratitude have on my life? On the lives of those around me? And grace? How can grace mean so many things that are so very different? 

This semester launches me into the path of two topics that I can't say I've spent all that much time thinking about in life. I know that I'm thankful for the many blessings in my life, and I know that I don't deserve any of them, but what does that really mean? I cannot wait to dive in deeper...well beyond Mirriam Webster, into mentors' brains, into friends' hearts, into books, into God's word.

Building Character and Getting Paid for It

This summer I was asked if I would be interested in becoming a Wendt Mentor. Now, to be asked to become a Wendt Mentor as a staff person is a pretty prestigious thing. Typically it's an honor reserved just for tenured or tenure-track full-time faculty, so of course, I jumped at the chance to come on board. The Wendt Center on our campus is a well-funded character building initiative started by a generous donation by friends of the university, and it's designed to work with the entire campus community to educate individuals about integrity, honesty, character in everything that we do. It is supposed to influence the entire campus and how we live out our lives both on and off campus. 

The idea of a center such as this is a brilliant one. Provide opportunities for the community to learn about, talk about, and read about all sorts of character-based issues, and the community will take those opportunities and grow. And I would even argue that the Wendt Center has positively impacted this place. But there is a strange dichotomy that exists within the center itself that I'm struggling with. As a mentor, I get paid to work with students that also get paid to build their character. Doesn't that just sound strange? 

There is a group of students on campus known as the Wendt Character Scholars, a group made up of students that apply, interview, and are selected to the program, and then receive a scholarship for their academic year commitment. But "scholar" is a bit of a misnomer, as they don't actually produce any sort of scholarly work within the program (a reflection paper or two does not a scholar make), and they are not required to reproduce any of the information (in the form of exams, poster projects, etc.). They attend weekly meetings with a lecture and discussion component and complete a required amount of community service. 

These students are great students. They are students that want to be there, that want to do service, that want to discuss issues and learn and grow. And I know that this program is changing the lives of some of the individuals that are a part of the program. Some of them look at life completely differently than before their time with the Wendt. But I wonder, what would the program look like if it was not offered as a scholarship...as in monetary scholarship? And what would it look like if the mentors were unpaid? And what if there was some sort of actual scholarship required...as in production of scholarly work? Would people take advantage of the opportunity to do scholarly work, learn about themselves, and grow as individuals? Would it feel like an elite group of students? Would it even survive? 

For me, I signed on before I even knew there was a stipend involved. Is the stipend nice? Certainly. Would it have affected my decision? No. Would everyone be able to say that? I don't know. So, I feel slightly stuck, stuck in an undecipherable dichotomy between enticement and actual benefit.

Despite the place I have found myself in this program, I am still very much looking forward to being a part of it. I enjoy my small group, and I think we're going to be able to dig in deep to all sorts of topics. And I know without a doubt that I'm going to learn a lot from them rather than the other way around. The topic for the year? Grace and Gratitude. And I have to say that I will need to do some personal reflection on what these two have in common, what they mean, how they apply to my life just as my students will have to. But that's another post for another time. For now, I'm just eager to see how in the world this all plays out.

Quite the Lull

It has been several months since I've even considered seriously this blog, and I have been wondering lately why that is. Some days its seems that thoughts and emotions and lessons just pour out of me, like I can't help but write them down, even if no one is reading along. But other days, nothing comes to mind, as if I have nothing valuable or interesting to share. And lately, there has certainly been much more of the latter type of days. Buy why?

Could it be that I have been simply to busy to stop and process anything that's been going on in my life? Probable, but suspending writing and processing has not been my typical m.o. Usually, the more stressed and stretched I feel, the more time I need to just sit and process. Could it be then that I'm simply not busy enough to have the need to process and write? *Smirk* If this is it, then the world is a seriously messed up place, because I certainly feel busy enough. 

Is it possible that I have lost some semblance of inspiration to cause my writing to be quieted? Could it be that I am supposed to be quiet for a while for some purpose? All in all, I can't be sure as to what has caused my lull, but I want to come back. So, if I have any readers out there at all, I'll hopefully get back in the swing of things soon. And if not, for myself, I will still hopefully get back in the swing of things soon.

Momentous

Tonight, the Department of Student Life did something that, at least to my knowledge, it had never done before. We kicked off student leader and mentor training in an unapologetically  Christian message. We prayed, ate, learned, and played together. And we studied a book of the Bible that has become more and more dear to my heart: Esther. 

I can relate to Esther. She was young, probably not all that wise, and was thrown into a situation that she had no idea was about to come. When I applied at UD, for whatever reason, they took a liking to me. They gave me a chance despite my youth, inexperience, and very apparent lack of wisdom. And since I've been at the college, some amazing and momentous things have been happening around me and with me and through me. And tonight is such a prime example of that. 

I can't help keep thinking...

"For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?"

What if I had turned down this job for another? Or stayed in my other job? The things happening on this campus may have happened from somewhere or someone else. The transformation of students' lives, Student Life, and the University would have happened in some way. But maybe...just maybe it was meant just for me. The time and the experiences and the growth and the momentous moments were God's desire for me to be in. And that thought keeps me going. God wants me to act, use my gifts, be a part of the action. And I just pray that He can use me like he used Esther - to be brave, to use my gifts, to change lives around me. And I pray that I can get that message out to students - that they can do the same. 

Peace & Peace

It's been nearly a month since my last post because I've been gallivanting around the country on a whirlwind of summer fun that is not yet quite over. I've been to the flooded north woods of Wisconsin (at least they were when I was there), and I've just returned from the great beauty of the Colorado wilderness (although actual wildlife sightings were somewhat rare). And I have really loved *almost* every minute of the generally quite peaceful journey. There were, admittedly, a few times that I found myself slipping back into a wound-tight-like-in-the-real-world attitude, but I did my best to break free of the confines of the rush and run to just enjoy being for a while. Overall, it was just a wonderful time. A time that I truly felt bathing, swimming, submerged completely in love. God's love. Family's love. Friends' love. What a peace.

But the one thing, ironic as it may be, that everyone says after returning from vacation, is that it's so very good to be home. There's generally no, Let's stay for three more weeks! No. There's a different kind of peace, separate from the vacation kind, that one finds upon their return to what they left behind. And although my garden, flower beds, yard, dust, dishes, and laundry all cry out for my attention, there still remains a feeling of peace. God made the whole world for me to explore and enjoy, to clamour upon and run around, to try to capture in photos and memories, but this...This here, he set aside just for me. It's the place that I get to call my home. And I so grateful for the blessing of it, the sight of it, the comfort of it.

Anticipation

There are times in life when everything happens at once, when you're overwhelmed and can't think much beyond each single current moment. There are times in life when almost nothing happens, when you can take a deep breath. And then there are special times when you know something is about to happen, something big or exciting or fun. Anticipation. 

With the quick approach of summer vacation; a face-to-face meeting of an overseas friend; the blooming of the vegetable garden, grapes, and the apple tree, it seems that I'm living in a state of anticipation in every aspect of my life. It's such a neat feeling that leaves me not wishing life away but eager to know what lies ahead. I'm excited, preparing so that I'm ready, sharing my excitement with others, talking about what lies ahead in my life. I'm keeping the weeds down in the garden, watching for bugs on my plants, making packing lists, purchasing supplies...

And lately, I can't help but think that this is the state we're supposed to be living our lives in all the time. The writers of the Bible wrote about living in a state of readiness for Jesus' return to earth. Two thousand years ago, people where anticipating His return. They were excited, ready, talking about it. Have we lost our anticipation for Jesus? Have we replaced it with our anticipation with much less significant things?

Summer is good. It's very good. How much greater is heaven going to be? Now that's anticipation.

Open Windows

Although it's felt like summer for quite some time around here, I've hesitated to open up all of the windows in the house. I've opened a few - the front porch, the kitchen, the bedroom sky lights, but I have not brought myself to cranking them all wide open. Why, you ask? Well, frankly, the only reason why I wouldn't open up all my windows is that opening them, compels me to clean them...the dirty, webby sills at least. That place that's been all shut up for six months or so and inevitably has become home to some ferocious creature that is only doing a mediocre job at controlling the population of gnats sneaking through the screens anyway. Stupid spiders. 

Well, tonight, desperate to cool my nearly hundred year old second floor bedrooms to a tolerable sleeping temperature, I finally decided enough was enough. Those spiders could not keep my desires for fresh air and peaceful sleep at bay any longer. I opened, I sucked, I wiped, I breathed deep. Why...sigh...didn't I...sigh...do that sooner...sigh...

There is just something wonderful about the feeling of having the windows wide, isn't there? It's freeing. To both the six-months-sealed funk that grows into a house throughout the winter months and to my out-door craving spirit who would probably sleep outside all summer if not for the aforementioned spiders. And bats. And...well, you get the idea. I still love the outdoors.

It just leaves me praising God for the gift of air. And praying that it doesn't rain at least until I wake up in the morning.

Reconciliation

The fallout. Something that men don't necessarily deal with in relationships. But most women have experienced this at least a time or two from their closest circle of friends. Something happens, and it forever changes the course of the relationship.

I, myself, have had relationships that have gone through their fair share of fallouts. With each fallout disaster, I usually tried with all my might to fix whatever was wrong with the relationship, to save it, restore it as if nothing had happened. In my mind, the only two options were to fix it or walk away from it completely. But fairly recently, I ended up landing somewhere in between these two options, not knowing anymore how to fix it and desperately not wanting to walk away but knowing that the relationship would never be quite the same. What am I supposed to do here in the middle?

The conclusion I've come to is that I must reconcile this relationship. I cannot live in limbo anymore. Miriam-Webster defines the word reconcile as follows:

1 a : to restore to friendship or harmony; b : settle, resolve
2 : to make consistent or congruous

3 : to cause to submit to or accept something unpleasant

4 a : to check (a financial account) against another for accuracy b : to account for 

The varied definitions of this word seem strange to me...restore, resolve, settle, accept, consistent, account for... Do these ideas even all go together? But in pondering this further, I realize that I need all the different definitions to really make reconciliation work.

I need to restore both friendship and harmony, for both parties involved, but in order to do that, I need to resolve some of the issues in my own heart that may have contributed to the fallout. I need to settle the differences between us in my own heart rather than wrestle with them in the space between us. In resolving this to myself, I then need to strive for consistency - strike a middle ground rather than living on the roller coaster of ups and downs. How nice to be able to enjoy one another consistently when I have settled my heart and can accept another's.

Doing all of this will require me to accept what has happened in the past for what it was...not to fix or change or ignore or fight these things - just accept them, unpleasantries and all. It was what it was, but it was, not is. That chapter is over, and I can accept it as over and okay. And, I do need to take account for my future actions, perhaps even find a way to be held accountable. How will my actions and attitudes continue to effect relationships in the future?

I must reconcile past fallouts in my own heart in order to reconcile them with others. Things may not be "fixed" or exactly the same as they once where, but that doesn't mean that things can't still be good. 

Thoughts on Being Bold

I recently had an interesting conversation with someone about the idea of being bold in approaching relationships. Our reflections were honest and from our own perspectives and experiences. 

The determination we ultimately came to was that women have been conditioned to react more boldly than perhaps we were created to react when it comes to relationships. Women initiate contact, make the "first move," call guys first, etc. How did we get this way? I would argue, and please don't interpret this as any sort of male-bashing session, that women have been conditioned to be bold, dare I say aggressive, when it comes to relationships because many men opt not to be. They choose, or perhaps are conditioned, to be reserved, passive, chased after, shy.

Both men and women know, can feel, that this situation, this role reversal is just not how God intended is to be. Despite good intentions, it always feels awkward to me to have to make the first move. But I feel it necessary most of the time to even be able to talk with someone of the opposite sex. And maybe it feels the same to men that are approached by women. 

And it's not like it's a big hidden secret how God created men and women. It's pretty clearly spelled out for us in the Bible. God intended men to lead, support, guide their mates...love them like Christ loves the church. And women are to submit, yes ladies, I said submit, to their mates knowing that they are going to be treated as the church by Christ. We know what this is to look like. 

Satan has really done a number on these roles, hasn't he? He's made women to think they should act like men and given men permission to act like women. As I continue to battle through the ideas of singleness, dating, relationships, and marriage in my own life, I'm realizing that I'm working in an imperfect system that is not going to change for me. But I'm also realizing that despite the imperfect system, I still follow a perfect God. So, I don't have to worry. God has given me a heart that yearns after the role set for me. And there is a man out there whose heart yearns for the same. And it is not my personal duty to systematically dig through the proverbial haystack to, by an endless process of elimination, to find my needle. God has known my name since before I was even an idea in my parents' heads, knows the number of hairs on my head. I don't have to find my mate by myself. 

The imperfect system will continue to drive me to desire to be bolder than my heart was made to be, but I will continue to learn to trust my Maker who has always known my bold, brave, loving husband.

Summer Routine

Well, it's officially summer around here. Students are home safe and sound. The office is quiet, or at least filled only with the self-selected noise of internet radio stations blaring...which is way better than four televisions, a fast food restaurant, a hundred or so student voices, etc.

And with the arrival of summer comes the arrival of a shift in routine. A new kind of normal settles in.

Sleep in a bit. Work some. Play. Cook. Clean up. Drag out the hoses. Roll up the hoses. Trim. Mow. Play. Laugh. Relax a while. Try a new thing or two. Travel. Play.

This varied routine (as compared with the school year routine: Work. Sleep. Work.) offers a huge realm of possibilities. All exciting and different and fun.

Last year at about this time, I discovered, for the first time ever, what summer for the "average American" is supposed to be like. And I fell in love with every aspect of it. Now, coming at summer with a whole new perspective allows me to plan for loving it. And that is so very exciting.

So, cheers to summer, adventure, and a new and fabulous routine!

Quite the Catch

Dear Men of the World,

My name is Lindsey, and I wanted to take a moment to introduce myself. Perhaps we've met before, and perhaps we haven't, but it seems that we haven't been able to become really well acquainted for one reason or another.

I'm adventurous. I mean really adventurous. I like to hike in the mountains, go camping, ride bikes, swim in lakes... I've been known to jump off of water falls, scale 14,000-foot peaks, and do spontaneous things just because I can. I can kill a good ropes coarse (including the high ropes stuff), and I'm not afraid to try new things. You like adventure, too, don't you?

I like to cook. For you, this would be a huge plus if, say, you don't. I experiment fearlessly in the kitchen with soups, sauces, international dishes, and timeless recipes. I make my own granola. I make my mom's lasagna. I wear an apron. I'm not afraid of Julia Child's French recipes. That is some serious cooking.

I am a good kind of weird. You know that kind of weird that makes you linger in a conversation just to see what a person will say next? That kind of weird. I do things people my age don't usually do - garden, cook, bake, write, sing... I've been called an "old soul", an "eclectic individual", a "Renaissance woman". I love those titles, and I wear them like badges of honor. Maybe you're a bit weird. I would be okay with that. I would appreciate your weird for what it is. But let's put a qualifier in there - if you're just plain weird as opposed to just a bit of the good kind of weird, then please steer clear. I've had my fair share of real weird, and I'm over it.

I love God like I love nothing else. I sing praises at the top of my lungs whenever the Spirit moves them to come out. If God's not your center, make Him be. He could be our center. He needs to be our center.

To be up front, I am not a good girlfriend, but I want to be. I work too much, move too slow, have been independent too long. I need patience - from people and for people. I don't follow the "play book" well, and if you don't either, then, well, we can struggle through together. It makes it more interesting that way anyway.

I have been waiting for Mr. Right for a good long time now. In fact, I've been praying for him for quite some time, and his family, and our future... Mr. Right, if you are one of the men of the world, please come and find me. Seek me out. Pray for me. And be a good kind of weird with me so we can earn sweet titles together. Men of the world, please be bold, and I will be, too. And one day, you will meet up with me, and it will be exactly as it's supposed to be.

I'm quite the catch, if I do say so myself. You could really end up liking me a lot.

Sincerely Yours,
Lindsey

Legacy

"Sometimes it just seems like people work and work and work somewhere, and then they leave. And nobody remembers them. We all just keep moving on like we always have. It makes me wonder why we all work so darn hard."

This is a quote from a woman that I meet regularly with in a prayer group at work. I don't now recall how it even came up, but we were discussing the idea of leaving a legacy. It's been months since this conversation, but her words still haunt me. And the part that haunts me the most is that from her perspective, she was completely right. To build a legacy at a particular place for people to remember you for your good works is completely pointless. People will forget you. Eventually, your memory on this earth will be gone. Work as I may, my work will eventually be changed by someone else, students will graduate, staff and faculty will move on, and I will be forgotten. 

But perhaps we need to view the idea of legacy from a different vantage point. What if we stop working to be remembered by men? What if we did our work for the glory of God? To build God's legacy? It gives reason to work so hard - to pour my heart into the work I do. When I'm gone, all I want is the glow of God's light left in my place. And even when my personal legacy fades into time, God's legacy will live on. That's what I work for.

Unbelief

Despite my best efforts, I cannot recall what "unbelief" feels like. I can't remember my life before Jesus, the time before I knew hope.

This semester, I had a student in the class I taught that believes in nothing beyond the happiness of any given moment. Nothing. No guidance. No example of true love. No hope for what happens next. Nothing. He spent much of the semester adamantly stating his beliefs in nothing, anchoring them in the naivety of religion, the foolishness of allowing something else to determine the path of life. And it was in reading this student's work that I found myself asking questions that his belief in nothing could not explain.

Where did love come from? Granted, many of our human emotions cannot be given an origin, but I cannot imagine understanding love without God's love. We (humans) screwed up God's beautiful place with dark, ugly sin. He could have walked away. He could have left us to our failed selves, to self destruct. But instead He chose to send Jesus, His Son, His Love and rescue us. Without that, how could we know love?

Where is hope found? Family? Friends? Although there is great refuge in these relationships, they bear with them the burden of human nature. They are not perfect. They are not eternal. Stuff? Certainly little explaining is required to know that material possessions cannot sustain and frequently disappoint. The reliability of my own heart or mind? Ha. I don't have near enough faith to place my hope in the stability and strength of myself. What happens when real hope is needed - in moments of desperation? Times where certainty is not just shaky but completely gone? Is there no hope in life at all for the unbelieving? And if there is no hope, how does one force themselves out of bed in the morning knowing that desperation may be the only result of getting up?

These questions and so many more... Never has unbelief so undeniably solidified my belief. And if this makes me a fool or naive, then I'll live life as a fool.

My First "Sermon"

Earlier this semester, I was asked by the campus chaplain to, for lack of better terms, "preach" a "sermon" for campus chapel. The topic of the ongoing series that he asked me to speak on was dating and relationships. I'm finally getting around to sharing it with you. Enjoy!

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So, when Jim asked me if I’d like to share in chapel the “women’s perspective” for the dating and relationships series, I was intrigued. You really want to ask me? As a perpetually single twenty-something year-old woman who’s struggled on and off with the ideas of relationships and marriage since I can remember, I’m just not sure that I’d be my first choice. And bouncing around topics was a fun game because, well, I couldn’t really talk about roles of a husbands and wives in marriage since I’ve never been married, and I couldn’t really talk about how to approach a long-term or serious relationship since I’ve never really been in one. What in the world am I going to talk about regarding relationships and dating? Well, how about the heart.

Now, just as a disclaimer before we get started, this talk is probably going to be primarily geared toward the young women today. Guys, that’s not to say that this isn’t good stuff for you to hear, so don’t take off on me, but just know that I’m usually in conversation with women when things like this come up.

So, let’s get to it, let’s talk about your heart. You know it as that place that flutters when you see someone you like or love, that thing that can shatter like glass when you’ve been disappointed. Your heart is central to who you are and how you operate. And God created us this way, with hearts that are important to Him and are the core of our very being. And because of this, we’re called to guard them closely. Proverbs 4:23 says, Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. 

But what does that even mean? What is it that we’re guarding our hearts from? How are we supposed to guard them and to what end? Are the rules for this heart-guarding?

Well, since this series is about relationships…when you enter into a relationship, be it romantic or otherwise, you begin to share pieces of your heart with another person. It usually starts small as you navigate the unsure path of new relationships, sharing a personal detail here and there, exposing something about yourself every now and then. But it doesn’t take long, and you’re sharing more personal things, becoming more exposed, all the while sharing bigger pieces of your heart with others.

Sharing personal and emotional details of our lives with another person is not in and of itself necessarily a bad thing, but sharing these things too soon after beginning a relationship is one way that we often neglect to guard our hearts. And for women, in particular, this is really easy to do, if for no other reason than we really like to talk. We talk when we’re nervous. We talk when we’re happy. We talk when we’re upset, frustrated, excited. For many of us, it is very easy to share about our lives, but the mistake we often make is entrusting huge pieces of our hearts to anyone and everyone who will listen. And there is a danger in doing this because, frankly, not everyone can be trusted.

And although God is the true keeper of your heart, the one who can make it whole over and over again no matter how many pieces you throw out there, the pieces of your heart that you share with others never can be taken back. They’re out there, just like a photo on the internet or a status on facebook, forever. The more pieces that you give away, the more people have a piece of your heart just floating around out there. Can you imagine saying to your significant other or your new spouse on your wedding day, I really want to give you my whole heart. Just so you know, I’ve given pieces of it away to 27 other people, but now you can have it too. How would you feel knowing that your girlfriend or boyfriend or husband or wife had little pieces of themselves floating around out there with so many other people? If you decide to enter into a life-long marriage with another person, it’s because you want to share their heart, just you and them. Not you, them, and 27 other people.

And there’s another way that we often fail to guard our hearts, by neglecting to include God’s desires for our relationships into our plans altogether. We have to remember that God has a good and beautiful plan for relationships, but sometimes our own desires, intentions, and priorities get relationships all jumbled up and they end up far from God’s intents. God gives us great examples in the Bible of how relationships should be designed. Ephesians 5, which we don’t have time to dig into today, is filled with wonderful imagery of modeling our relationships after how Christ loves the church, a selfless, patient, gentle relationship. If we are not seeking God’s heart and this plan in our relationships first and foremost, then we are not guarding our own hearts or the hearts of those we are in relationship with. Relationships look less and less like Christ loving the church.

And what’s one of the biggest dangers that can creep in when we are not guarding our hearts? Lust. Now, I must confess that lust was not even on the original potential topic list of things I wanted to talk about today, but it is something that cannot be ignored. So what is it? Where does it start? You know that second glance you just gave that attractive individual that just pasted by? That flirtatious grin you send to someone across the room? That’s where it can start. As simple as that. And it builds from there, into thoughts of desire that may have nothing to do with building a God-centered relationship. Thoughts of physical contact, wanting to share extremely personal details, finding ways to be near or involved with someone, or even desiring that someone may develop these types of feelings for you...

The Bible warns us against the dangers of lust, and there’s not much dancing around the issue either. Matthew 5:28 says, But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. Woah. Why such strong words of warning about this? Lust is a tricky, sneaky sin that finds its way into unsuspecting hearts. What starts out innocent enough can quickly become corrupt. Boundaries of personal commitments and decisions get quietly pushed farther and farther from where you wanted them to be. And you can end up way off track from God’s intentions for how relationships should be built. We must guard our hearts from the dangers of lust by keeping God at the center of our intentions.

Look, the truth is that I can’t, despite my best efforts, give you a list of dos and don’ts, the proverbial rule book, for how to avoid lust or even how best to guard your heart. I can’t tell you exactly how to protect yourself from getting hurt or from hurting others, when you can start sharing more of your life with another person, or even specifically what guarding your heart may look like on a day-to-day basis. And believe me, I wish I could. There are so many days that I’ve asked myself why the world of dating and relationships isn’t more black and white, but it’s not. It’s grey and messy and confusing. But it is especially convoluted when you try to go it alone, without God’s input. God wants to work with us, so He’s not going to just hand us all the answers. Here you go. How to guard your heart and avoid lust in ten easy steps. Not going to happen. But God does desire for us to work with Him, for us to seek Him out, in order to figure it all out.

Okay, now I want to make the not-to-distant leap from guarding your heart to the topic of modesty. I can already see some of you tensing up in your seats, looking for the nearest exit. Modesty is one of those words that elicits ideas of nuns dressed in their habits or middle eastern women covered from head to toe in draping tents, one piece swim suites, and, well, the entire Duggar family for those of you who watch TLC. Ugh… nobody wants to talk about that. Nobody even think about that. It’s completely counter-cultural to want to cover up. But that’s exactly the point.

Our society paints a picture of fashion trends and the norm of how to dress that is, well, fake. Ads in magazines, larger-than-life billboards and bus panels, tv, movies…all of it is feeding us the same ideas of “normal” that none of us can live up to because it’s not real. What you see in magazines and on tv is nothing more than extraordinary PhotoShop and fine-grain editing. By the time images get to our eyes, they’re no longer even human.

These are the images we see every day, that we strive to live up to because it’s what society calls “normal”. More leg, lower cuts, bigger muscles, tighter everything. Do you understand what all of this does to us? It turns our bodies, that we know are created in the image of God, into nothing more than objects modeled after a false reality. How do I know we were created in the image of God? At the very beginning of the story, in the story of God creating the world, the first chapter of Genesis says that God created the earth, water, sky, and land, night and day, and it was good. He created plants, trees, fish, birds, and animals of all kinds, and it was good. And then in Genesis 1:27 it says, So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. And it goes on to say that it was very good. How dare we take bodies, modeled after God Himself, and choose to model them after the world’s idea of proper image instead.

And there’s one other thing about modesty that I want to point out, that will hopefully bring my few minutes with you full circle. If we’re truly interested in guarding and protecting our hearts, then not only should the protection of our own hearts be important to us, but the protection of others’ hearts should also hold value. By choosing to dress in a modest manner, you’re actually helping those around you in protecting their hearts. By dressing in a way that doesn’t provoke looks of desire and lust your direction, you’re sheltering hearts, both others’ and your own.

And not only that, when you strip away all the flashy, tight, distracting clothing, what people are then able to see is God’s presence in our lives. 1 Timothy 2:9-10 says, I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God. When people look at you, they shouldn’t first view your clothing and think, Wow, what’s he wearing? Or Why all the leg? They should be able to look at you and see the observable Christian lifestyle of good deeds as an expression of our faith in Christ.

Now again, there’s no written rule book here. What’s too tight, too short, too low, too exposed, too flashy? What’s appropriate or inappropriate to wear? I don’t know that I can define that. And does this mean we all should just wear gray tents so as to fade into the background? I don’t think that has so much to do with God’s image either. All I can say is that you’ve got to seek God for those answers.

So, out of all of this, if I had to give you just a few words to walk out of here remembering it would be to guard your heart…guard your heart from being too exposed, from neglecting God’s intentions for relationships, and from lustful thoughts and actions that can so easily slip in. Remember that God made you in His beautiful image and that the world’s expectations of you are plastic and fake. And although there’s no rule book, God wants to work with us to establish proper ideas of relationships and how we should live out our lives. Seeking Him out is the only way we can begin to establish those rules for ourselves. Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

Forgetful

A week or so ago, my mom called to say that they'd be heading to Maquoketa to see some play that she really wasn't all that excited about going to with some friends that they don't really hang out with all that much on Sunday. I had said something to the effect of, Oh, you'll be close to Dubuque. I'll be home all day, feel free to swing by.

I went about life as normal for the rest of the week.

Sunday came, and I went to church, went to Megan's, then came home and dove into weeding the flowerbeds and spraying down my produce in the yard. I went in the house once and heard my phone beeping that I had missed a call. Hmmm...wonder who's call I missed? Oh well, back out to the garden. Less than an hour later, I heard a familiar voice calling me from the front yard. My dad.

I'm not sure what my face looked like when I turned around, but I would imagine one would have a similar look when given a horrible gift from a dear friend or when you are gazing at an ugly baby for the first time. You know. That look that you use a big awkward smile to disguise whatever may be going on underneath.

What was going on underneath: 1) I totally forgot that I mentioned they should stop by, 2) my house! I had baked up a storm yesterday and hadn't cleaned up the kitchen at all, not at all. It was laundry day, so my bedroom was looking like a hurricane had recently passed through, complete with the bed unmade and dust a half inch thick. And the bathroom - toothpaste in the sink, hair on the floor, shower wide open and filled with grime. Okay, think. Think! How are you going to fix this?

Deep breath...Would you like to come in? (There's that expression back on my face...)

Followed by, Please excuse my kitchen. I've been baking. And, I'm just going to go upstairs and wash up quick. (Flurry of wiping, grabbing, closing, piling...)

They ended up only staying for about ten minutes in all, just long enough to melt me into a puddle of humiliation, and they were on their way. I went back in the house to get a more objective look at what exactly my unexpected guests had seen. Counters were now wiped and not so bad. Bedroom stayed closed. No harm done there. And then there was the bathroom. Why does the bathroom look different? Well, it looked different because when my mom went up to use it, she finished the wiping and picking up that I had left behind. (I burst into tears right about now...)

Had it just been some family friends stopping by, I'm not sure I would have been so embarrassed. I would have laughed it off much easier. But my mom was there. And she was embarrassed. And she cleaned some things up so her friends didn't have to bear witness to my mishap. And that made me embarrassed. Very embarrassed.

She's always been so good at keeping house, a fact that bothered me greatly as a kid because messes (which I would argue are 90% of a child's life) were the enemy and needed to be fought off immediately. Our house was always ready for visitors, always shiny, always pristine. Even when we moved from one house to another, I don't remember a mess. Even while remodeling, no mess.

For me, every day is a mess. I did not receive whatever gift (or curse) of cleanliness that she did. If you put us head to head on the clean-o-meter, my house at its cleanest can't even compare to her's at its durtiest. And to make it worse, I actually enjoy a clean house when I do finally get it there. It's not that I don't like it. I'm just not all that good at it.

Okay, conclusion before this get's too long for anyone to desire to read... I love my mom, but I am not my mom. She will always be better at being clean than me. We were both embarrassed on Sunday. We'll both get over it. My priorities and day-to-day look different than her's. My home looks different than her's. And that's got to be okay. It's just got to be okay.

So, Mom (since I know you're reading this), I'm sorry that my house was a mess. You'll get over it. I'll get over it. I love you.

The Accidental First Date

For those of your following along on Facebook or Twitter, you may have noticed a weekend full of activity (a rare sight in my life for sure). Friday night, I managed to accidentally work my way into a first date which turned out to be pretty fun.

It seems to have become a campus-wide project to set Lindsey up with eligible young men, partially based on the good nature of a close community, and partially at my own prompting. Everyone can see that my social life is limited, but I am surrounded by a great family that knows me well and may actually have social lives. So, permission has been granted to several friends to go ahead and make something happen if the situation arises.

And the situation did indeed arise.

Gail, a wonderful professor on campus, about a month ago, got the great idea that one of her long time advisees and students, Matt, would be a great match for me. She asked for my number to give to him, and she followed through by giving it to him. Weeks went by, and he never called. To his credit, what in the world does one say when calling someone they've never met before for the first time?

At some point, my friend Janet, another wonderful professor on campus, had jumped on the band wagon and was all about the possibilities of setting us up. And on Friday, she called my cell phone out of the blue around 6:30 pm. I was (of course) still at the office.

What are you doing?
Right now?
Yeah, what are you doing? You should come down to the MBA reception downtown. (Giggles.)
Why? What's going on?
Matt's here, and he really wants to meet you!

Um...no thanks? I don't think that a public display of awkwardness is on the menu tonight. But what other excuse do I have? I'm headed home to watch movies for the night on the couch. (Sigh.) Okay. Okay, I'm going. What's the worst thing that could possibly happen?

So, I went, and was swooped up at the door like prey in eagles talons. No escape now. Janet dropped me off right in front of Matt. Matt, Lindsey. Lindsey, Matt. Okay, we're going to get out here. (Poof.) Gone.

Imagine now, two complete strangers, standing alone in the middle of a crowded room, having just met ten seconds ago, completely alone but being watched from all angles.

Well, it didn't end all bad. We ended up talking for a few hours, and we had some things in common. As far as first dates go, I've had much much worse, so I suppose it was successful...although certainly quite accidental.

Embrace It or Fight It

Last night, at the Founders' Day Ball, I got a chance to chat up the University President and his wife (always a good idea, as far as I can tell). We discussed a lot of things, but we talked at length about the cyclical nature of higher education. There are times that we just know are going to be killer. Others are traditionally slow. And in my area of higher education, I am certainly no exception.

And Jeff gave me a bit of wisdom that has probably come from ten or so years of rough-edged experience. He said, I suppose you either can embrace it, or spend all your time fighting it. And it's so true. We know that there are going to be extremely busy and stressful times that will require us to stretch just about beyond our means, to the very thinnest we can be pulled. And we can be sure that the slow times will follow full with rest and relaxation. If these things are so certain, then why do we find ourselves whining and complaining when we are in the state of thin? And how can we take for granted the ease of the off-times?

I can try my best to push deadlines back earlier or move projects around on the calendar all I want, but the fact of the matter is the hard, full, busy times are still going to exist, and the slow, restful times will indeed follow. 

I really feel that in the last two years, I have embraced the pattern, although not perfectly by any means. But weeks like list last one (Spring Fling Week) become easier when you can look ahead and see what lies ahead (rest). Although weary, I look ahead with hope...

Strangely, this becomes a metaphor for much more than just my work life. Matt. 11:28 says Come to me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. The Message paraphrases it this way in verses 28-30:

Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly.

So, life really, is of the same cyclical nature.There are times that are going to be hard. We will be weary. We will get worn out. But we know - we know for sure - that there will be rest in Jesus. We can find some rest now in the cycle of living on earth, but there is something much greater, worth getting through the rough and busy that all becomes worth it when we get to the rest. 

Who knew I could get all of that from a conversation with the president at a dance on a Saturday night?

"Doing Church"

Throughout the last semester or so, I've been participating in the gospel choir on campus, an experience that undoubtedly deserves its own post. But there's one thing that I haven't quite figured out how to get past. There's an idea in gospel choir culture called "doing church". A revved up song begins and you can hear someone in the choir say, We're going to show you how to do church today! The enthusiasm is great, but the theology is all wrong.

You see, God doesn't call us to "do church". He calls us to be the church. "Doing church" indicates that it can be something that is started and stopped, picked up and dropped off; it's the idea that church is an action to be done rather than something to be a part of like a finger is a part of a body.

And frankly, I feel like this idea is perpetuated outside of the "church" experience as well. I see students all the time that come to gospel choir rehearsals, pray aloud while holding hands (and twice a rehearsal, mind you), then walk out the doors and immediately say a nasty word to someone, remove one too many articles of clothing, curse like sailors, or cop an attitude. And I suppose, if your idea of church involves the idea of "doing church" then after church has been "done", it can be turned off or left in that room, and life can resume as if nothing ever happened. For those that "do church", it seems that God can only live where church is "done".

But, oh, how visibly He does live there, where church is "done". More than once in any given rehearsal, I can hear someone say, Whew...I feel the Spirit, or, The Spirit is movin' here today, or something to that affect. Peoples' bodies move, their voices escalate, songs grow ever longer...and longer...and longer. Now, please don't misunderstand me here. I do believe that the Spirit can move a person (to dance, to sing, to cry, to whatever...), and I believe that the Spirit can move someone through music. I have been moved by music more times than I can count. But I find it a bit too ironic that the Spirit doesn't move these same people outside of rehearsals or performances in any such visible ways. Does the Spirit only act in a certain way at a certain time?

The picture of church that the Bible paints is drastically different than this idea. 1 Corinthians 12 clearly defines the church like a physical body, and each person having their own gifts like unique body parts. We're interwoven together into a community that is all the time. You can't decide when to "do body". That concept makes absolutely no sense. That's how much sense this whole "doing church" thing makes to me. On the days you decide not to "do body" will you not eat, not sleep, not breathe? Will your heart not beat? See? It just doesn't compute. 

When I first joined the gospel choir, I thought that maybe "doing church" was just cultural, but I've seen it unfold as much more than just a saying that tags along with a exuberant song. And the longer I am in the group, the more it bothers me. These students really believe it's okay to just "do church" at church and not anywhere else. We joke a lot about how the gospel choir needs extra prayer because many times we're not prepared for the performances that we do, but the fact of the matter is that the gospel choir needs prayers that go way beyond the performances...and I'm not sure they'll ever know just how much I pray for them.

There is a Light

As an assignment for the class I'm teaching this semester, I asked each of my students to write a personal belief statement - a credo if you will. In 200 or so words, write something that defines who you are, how you live, your very core.

And frankly, it's not an easy task. How do you boil down your entire life into so few words? I told them to be creative, to let flow whatever came out, but to stay true to themselves and their beliefs. I told them I would participate with them, and this was the result:

There is a Light
There is a Light. There is a Light. There’s a Light inside of me. 

I didn’t create it. It didn’t barge in. I don’t make it brighter. But I know there’s a Light. On my own, all I want is darkness, you see. My heart by itself is a dim, dark place. I am filled with sin and trouble and pain. Ah, but there is a Light.

There is a Light. His name is Jesus. He’s the Light inside of me.

He patiently knocked at the door of my heart. For years and for years, He stood and He knocked. He didn’t give up on my once worthless soul. He holds me, He washes me, He makes me so bright. He loves me as His child. Yes, He is the Light.

He is the Light. My beautiful Jesus. The Light inside of me.

And I can only love because He loved me first. And oh how I love Him. Oh how I love. And I can only shine as a mirror of Him. Chipped. Dirty. Imperfect. But a mirror ever still. A mirror for the Light.

Loving Jesus. Glorious Light. The Light inside of me.

I’ll only shine. I’ll only boast. I’ll only live for the Light. In a world full of hurt and darkness and shame. A world of wandering souls and the lost. I’ll shine on and boast on and live on and fight. Only for the Light.

There is a Light. There is a Light. There’s a Light inside of me.