Oh Dear

Several of you have already heard this story, but I usually feel better after writing about things, so thus...

Last week at church, I was approached by a man I had met before and talked with a few times. He always used to ask me if I had a boyfriend or if I was planning to get married someday, just, I thought as to give me a bit of a hard time. I would laugh and reply that I did not, and that I wasn't in a hurry. His wife would roll her eyes. But I digress.

He approached me and shook my hand, asked me how things were going. I replied politely, and went to walk away when he started to say, "You know, Lindsey, I wasn't going to come to church today. I had a lot of other things to do, but I decided to come because God told me I should talk with you..." Well then. So, I smiled and continued to politely carry on conversation. The next thing he said when I asked him how things were going was, "Well, I'm not married anymore," while pointing to his ring finger.

Red flag number one. I knew where this was headed.

He went on to tell me about his "other family" from his first wife and his older kids (in their 20s).

Red flag number two. This one was a surprise...not where I thought things were headed.

He went on still to say that he wanted to get to know me and that sometime we should go for a walk or meet for lunch if time allowed.

Red flag number three...ah, this is the direction I anticipated. But, I'm running out of red flags by this time. I was barely speaking at all...just attempting to become invisible right in front of him.

Then he asked for my email address. And for some reason, I gave it to him. Why did I do that?

Twenty minutes later, I was finally free, but my creep-o-meter was off the charts. And then of course there was the little display of affection in the parking lot where this man proceeded to honk his horn and yell goodbye out the window of his car. And to wrap it up, there was the expected email a few hours later asking for my phone number...which I did not share.

Now, all of that seems pretty tame really. I mean, that's all that happened. But those red flags, for some reason, are stuck on alert mode. I couldn't even look at him this week in church. I hid out until he was gone, hoping and praying that he wouldn't come talk to me. He didn't.

Do I have a sign on my back that says, "I love awkward social situations and am available to ridiculously incompatible people only."?

I wanted so badly to just stand up for myself and say, "You know what? I'm not sure what gave you the idea that I was interested in any sort of relationship at all, but I'm not. So please go away." I mean, that would have done the trick. But I just kept thinking, "Christian love. Christian love. Treat him like a brother. You wouldn't want to be shot down if this was you. Christian love." But I think that those lines get blurred and confused between women and men sometimes. My "Christian love" efforts apparently sometimes get misconstrued into romantic feelings or interest or actions in a man's mind.

Well, the moral of the story is that I'm still insanely uncomfortable for whatever reason. But luckily, I have a wonderful church family that are watching out for me. I am so thankful for that. A few weeks away from church will feel pretty good, I think, and hopefully realign my focus away from this situation and back on God...and on other important things...things like mountain top hikes to 14,000 feet. Pray for my peace of mind in the mean time.

A (Gainfully Employed) Year in Review

Yesterday was my one-year anniversary of being employed at the University of Dubuque, so I thought it would be fitting to spend some time this morning looking over my blog entries from a year ago. Turns out, they're great for a laugh. Check out July and August 2008 archives to re-enjoy them as I have (be sure to read from bottom to top).

God has been so good in this last year. Not only has He brought me to the place that He wants me to be, He's molded me and changed me for the better, equipping me for even better use by Him. When I started this job, I was, in a word, overwhelmed...overwhelmed with life, coming at me from all angles, with everything it had tho throw at me. I was a full time grad student and full time rookie employee, all the while fighting to be a good girlfriend, good friend, good daughter, and all around good person...many of which I was really no good at at all for a time. I was high strung, wound too tight, eating too little, and fighting too hard to make all the spinning plates stay atop their respective posts. But that was only for a season.

I can't quite identify the moment it happened, but I was changed completely. I learned what true reliance on God felt like, and why it is so extremely crucial to my survival in this world. And my whole personality has been altered for the better as one who now strives for calm, peaceful moments.

All of this, I've poured out to you before here, so I won't draw on about that for too much longer...

Over the past year:

• I have attended forty plus concerts, comedians, hypnotists, or entertainers.
• I have been on seven or so trips with students, one of which was an overnight trip to a conference, and several of which were on filled charter buses.
• I managed to come out ahead in all of my department budgets while effectively spending a few hundred thousand dollars.
• I ran a New Student Orientation program, a Homecoming Week (completely with parade), and a Spring Fling Week all for the first time, and all without major incident.
• I somehow convinced campus to let me move my office to a primo location in the Student Union (at least we're making progress on that front still).
• I have made (or at least I think I have made) no enemies across campus.
• I have given Ramen noodles away as a game show prize.
• I've been bowling three times, played mini golf once, was a game show judge once on accident, gone out to eat numerous times, and build dance decorations all as part of my job.
• I started several new initiatives while leaving a few others behind.
• I have learned about politics and played the game, if I do say so myself, pretty darn well.
• I have made an impact while remaining completely true to myself and my faith.
• I've laughed more than I've cried.

And with all that in one year, who can ask for more? Alright, it's back to work for me. Of all the things I have mastered this year, staying on top of my voicemails is not one of them...I guess that's what I'll be doing the rest of today.

The Idea of a Prayer Journal

I've been thinking about this for a while now. I've been trying to come up with the best way to go about it.... a prayer journal.

The idea sounds great. A prayer journal would provide me a way to keep track of all those people that I tell, I'm praying for you. It would even be a way to look back and see the real results of prayer, a view of how God is answering prayer, not only in my life, but the lives of those around me.

But the execution of it seem pretty overwhelming. Just to think of all the times in a week that I say, I'm praying for you...what does that look like in a journal? Does it look like the same things on every page for weeks? Or does it require me to look back and pray over all those different things until I know prayers have been answered?

Probably the most overwhelming thing about a prayer journal would be the fact that it may actually keep me accountable for all those, I'm praying for you's that I throw out there. It takes away the excuse to pray for someone or something just quick once or twice. A journal would actually make me spend some serious time in prayer, more than once, more than just quick.

And honestly, maybe that's what's missing in my walk with God right now - some serious accountablity in our relationship. The circumstances of my life right now have not permitted me to have a ton of accountability to others, although this is something that I am striving for, but that is no reason to lack accountability for myself.

So, overwhelming or not, I think that a prayer journal is good thing for me, something that will hopefully deepen my prayer life, focus me in, and realign my heart with God.

If you keep a prayer journal and happen to be reading along, feel free to leave me a comment on what you've done and how it's been working in your life.

Unwound

I love who I'm becoming. It may sound silly just to throw that out there like that, but it is so true. I never imagined that God would bring me to this point. A little less than a year ago, I embarked a new adventure that I felt led to with absolutely no idea where it would take me. But through the ups and downs that I'm sure I've talked about before, I have been transformed, a transformation that I can feel and see and enjoy (and hopefully others can, too).

I have unwound. Once upon a time I was wound so tight, you could have sworn I was a yo-yo or or a lawn mower with a pull-string starter. Wind me up and watch me go. I was a reckless force on a self-destructive path of perfection seeking, stress, and pent-up anxiety over all sorts of things. Now, although the occasional unjust moment can crank me tight for a few seconds, I am able to lay back and enjoy life in its imperfect messiness. And that's okay.

It's not that I'm no longer striving to do my best work or work as hard as I can; it's not that I've become lazy or nonchalant about life and my surroundings; it's just that...well, I can't even really put a finger on what it is... It just feels like once I was constricted and wound tight about everything, as if forced to run a race with a fifty foot rope tying my arms to my sides, and now that rope has fallen off and my arms are free...or sort of like I was free-falling from an airplane in a frantic effort to find my chute...and finally I found the pull and the chute deployed... I don't know...it's just a huge burden that I didn't even know I had has been removed from my shoulders. Blessing!

The best part of this transformation is that it was not something that I asked for specifically in prayer. It came because God knows me better than I know myself. How good it is to have such a caring God. And you know what? Even if no one else has or will ever notice my transformation, I know, and that's what's important. Whether evident to the outside world or not, I'm free.

I love who I'm becoming.

The Worst Thing

This is some perspective gained from little moments with close friends.

What's the worst thing that could happen? What's the worst thing that could happen if you didn't get the laundry switched, the email checked, or that one last thing bought? It could be that if you don't check your email, you'll miss a note about a meeting, miss the meeting, fail to complete the project at the meeting, get fired, lose your house and all your things, and end up homeless on the streets. Or, perhaps, you could just check your email tomorrow.

Once upon a time, I used to be crazy. I would fly around trying to get every last detail arranged, trying to be ahead of schedule, tyring to make sure it was all just so. And although that ghost occasionally slips out of the closet, I find that that's a pretty rough approach to life. (Refer to post archives about the "lost years" for more information on that topic.)

Will I really end up homeless on the streets if I don't complete my to-do list today? Will the world come to an end if a detail slips my mind? Certainly this is not the case. Does this give me an excuse to be lazy and non-determined in my work? Absolutely not. This simply gives me permission to not always have to be all things to all people. It gives me the go-ahead to make a mistake or two. It allows me to end my day when the day is done, not when my list is done.

Life can get chaotic. It's true. Things tend to pile up all at once, and it can feel pretty overwhelming. But that's the time when we need this perspective the most. We need to hold on tight knowing that much of the list is bound to be left until tomorrow and knowing that it will, eventually, get better. And that's okay.

After all, what's the worst thing that could happen?

Killing Myself

No, it's not what you think. I have absolutely zero suicidal tendencies, and the thought has honestly never come close to crossing my mind. But apparently, I'm still working on killing myself.

I went to the doctor about a month ago...a new doctor....for the annual womanly check up. And everything went really well, except for this one little thing. Previous doctors had always commented on this one little thing, but no one had ever stopped to me to say they were worried about it: high blood pressure. It seems so insignificant really. The words "high blood pressure" aren't particularly frightening...not like "heart attack" or "cancer," so I've always just played it off. Oh, it's always been that high...probably nothing to worry about.

But this new doctor stopped me in my tracks last month. She suggested a change that I could make that was pretty small and would save me some money by getting off a perscription that I actually didn't really need anymore. She said that that would probably fix it, told me to come back in a month, and we'd talk more then.

Today was a month later, and as promised I swung in over lunch and got my reading taking. Again, it was the same sort of hypertentious high as it had been before. I wasn't even scheduled to see the doctor, just a nurse, but sure enough, the doctor wanted to see me. She came in with a crumpled up face and told me she wasn't very happy with me. "This is not good," was repeated more than once.

After more talking, it pretty much came down to: figure out how to eat better and live better because right now you're killing yourself (maybe in not so many words...), and come back in a month.

Let's face the facts here. I live my life like an obese person. I know that. I eat bad for me foods including primarily pre-packaged, chemically treated, frozen, boxed, cupped, or otherwise instant food varieties because it's faster and easier than making real foods. I don't work out enough (sometimes not at all). And I don't give much regard to anything healthy. Did I just eat half that brick of cream cheese by myself? Wow, the whole frozen pizza is gone. How many cookies until it's considered gluttonous? But with this new ultimatum: eat health or risk an early death, it has me once again rethinking things.

I can't imagine what weight news like cancer or disease would carry after hearing this little, seemingly insignificant news of hypertention. I feel completely paranoid today, considering everything that I put in my mouth as a possible poison that will lead to my ever-shortening lifespan. Will I have a heart attack when my grandkids are too young to remember me?

So, I have to find a way out. I have to seek out a solution. Food shouldn't be that hard. It becomes eating to live a good and healthy life not just eating to satisfy me right now. This will not be an easy road to travel. I will, undoubtedly break down and want to eat that large pizza or every cookie in the package, but I will...I must try something new. Pray for me on this journey, because no one knows better that I just how weak I am. Cheers to a new lifestyle! Who wants to come with me?

A Place to Call Home

It has been a bit since my last update, but mainly because so much has been going on. It's hard to keep up, but regardless of the hustle-bustle of it all, I can't say it's not good.

In the last few months, I have been pressing hard to complete grad school, and the light is peeking up upon the horizon. This weekend I'll be packing my bags and jetting across the country to Seattle for a conference and to meet my class for the very first time. It seems funny, as these have been the people I've been chatting and learning with for the past two years of life. I told the class once that they were all like those obscure relatives that live far away. You never talk to them much, but you know they're still family. And because of that fact, you still like 'em. Same deal here. Most of us have never met, but we're all pretty excited to get together. I'm traveling with a travel buddy that I won't meet until travels begin. But it should be a great time. There are only 74 days until commencement, and less than that to get projects done, but who's counting?

In the last week, I ended one of the most frustrating endeavors of my life by finding a house...not just any house, but my house. And it is lovely. There is some work to be done, but it will be my work (ok, and my family's). Expect many backyard barbeques at Lindsey's this summer.

It was amazing that God revealed Himself to me the way He did in this whole time of searching. There were a few times throughout the search that I found it difficult to trust God to provide for me. How does that happen? How do we struggle to trust in the One who has never let us down? Not only did I find a home that is more than I need, but I also (all in one day, mind you) found a source of furniture to furnish the rooms that would have otherwise remained empty, and found money to pay for things I didn't think I could afford, in the form of an unexpected tax refund. So, as all of this was discovered on Saturday, I was overwhelmed with the fact that I should never waver in my trust in the Lord. He is the one thing in life that has never once left me alone. God is so good!

It should be a crazy next few weeks with a trip, a wedding to sing in, a whole apartment to pack, and a move to make. Crazy, but oh so good.

I'd like to leave you with a quote from a great woman from my church. She is so wise. "Finding a house is like giving birth. You won't ever remember the painful part." And perhaps she is right.

Moonbeams

Tonight, while driving my long commute home, I couldn't help but be enamored with the brilliance of the moon shining through the quickly passing clouds. The bluish silver hue that was cast upon the melting snow and filling streams was like nothing I had seen.

Prior to the moment I realized the moon was out and shining brightly, there were thousands of thoughts running through my head, nearly trampling over themselves trying to get out of my cluttered brain. Why are students so crabby? What new things can I do to generate excitement on campus? I need to do this...finish that...Did I lock my office? Voicemail...email...ugh, you didn't check your mailbox. Dirty lunch dishes...Did I water the plants? I'm so sick...should I stay home tomorrow?

But in a single moment, all of the clutter faded into the background. My mind grew hushed. The beauty of the moonbeams flooded every inch of thought and feeling. And after a few moments of just peace, a single thought came to my mind. I want to be like the moon. The moon doesn't create its own light. It doesn't shine on its own. It's merely just a rock in the sky, circling the earth. But it reflects the sun's light from a vast distance and provides a glow that is unmissable. And that is exactly what I want in my life. I want to reflect the Son's brilliance through my very own moonbeams. I want to be unmissable, not because of my own beauty. Because the moon without the sun, after all, is just a rock in the sky. I without my Jesus am just a empty dull being, purposeless and unnoticeable. But with the Son's light reflecting through me, I am given my purpose, my beauty, my unmistakable glow.

I pray that I can be a moonbeam to the earth, reflecting Your very beauty, Your loveliness to Your creation. Without Your shine, I cannot glow, not even a flicker of light will shine from me. With Your light, let me beam Your presence to all who are near.

Enthusiasm

I find people often commenting about my abounding energy and enthusiasm for just about anything in life. But I began to wonder, Why does my enthusiasm stand out so much?

Last night was a great example of people's dying enthusiasm about life. It made me crabby but also made me chuckle just a little bit. We had an "all organizations" meeting for the spring semester - a way to gather up some central leaders on campus and chat about the current issues, questions, and problems going on in campus involvement. Part of the meeting went kind of like this:

Why do we have to be at this meeting? Is it going to take the full two hours? Where's the free food we were promised? I don't want to be forced to go to Student Government meetings.... (lots more grumbling from the entire group...)

Why aren't more people involved on campus? No one comes to our stuff. This campus just doesn't give a crap.

Really? You really think that people are going to come to things? You really think people are going to get involved when that's what they are greeted with? The resounding sounds of crabby people that aren't excited about what they do, what their mission is, or how they change the world around them?

The fact of the matter is that enthusiasm tends to breed only more enthusiasm, but a bad attitude breed all sorts of issues that run way deeper. A bad attitude can lead to negative actions toward people you care about, things you do, and even things you know nothing about. And the worst part of it all is that, for one reason or another, a negative attitude is so much easier to spread around than a positive one.

So, yeah, much of this campus, frankly, doesn't give a hoot about what is happening around them, but look at their examples, a bunch of involved, but equally grumpy, apathetic individuals living the exact same way.

So, I say, come on people. Take a look at what you're spreading around. Only you can work to make this a better place with better attitudes and attention to surroundings. Be truly excited about what you do, and for Pete's sake, share that with people! What could it hurt?

Frustration

I'm a little confused. At myself.

Never have I experienced such a frustrating endeavor as house hunting. I'm not typically quick to anger or frustration, and I consider myself a relatively patient person with a logical head on my shoulders.

Why then do I feel myself flying into a rage over my current situation? Why am I eternally frustrated over all the places I've seen? Why can't I cut my loses and move on to bigger and better things?

There are a few things I know in all of this, which, unfortunately only add to my confusion. 1) I know that God provides. I really don't have anything to worry about at all when it comes to finding a home. When I'm meant to have a home, I'll have one. And 2) parents are usually right. And if they say I need to wait on it, then most likely, that's what I need to do.

Somehow those two things don't eliminate my frustrations. They still bubble up right under the surface and seem to fester and explode with every new ugly house I see. Pretty thankfully, I have understanding parents, and I have a God that allows me to come to Him with my tears, questions, and frustrations. He let's me blow off my steam, waits until I'm finished, only to remind me that He's already taking care of it. Why can't I remember this? He's already got it. Somehow in all of this, I need to figure out how to let go and get back to real trust, knowing that through all the ugly houses left behind and all the pretty ones snatched up from beneath me, it is not madness or randomness or circumstance. Somehow, someway, it is exactly how it was intended to be. Unfortunately, my weak and weary human nature probably won't let me see it until I've gotten through and take a look back.

Your timing, not mine. Your plan, not my own. One step at a time...

Something's Missing: Follow Up

So, Divinely, on Sunday, Pastor Ken's sermon was on the very topic of love. After feeling so passionately that God was telling me to focus on this topic, it turns out, He's moving others' hearts toward this as well.

If you get a moment, please listen to Ken's sermon. You can find it here.

God works in such cool ways.

Something's Missing

Lately work has been a little hairy. Not my area, per say, but there have been rough and rocky patches that I sure wish I could eliminate. But what's the difference between those that are struggling with rocky patches at work and those who are not? Students who are succeeding and those who are not? Offices that are thriving and those that certainly aren't? What's the missing link?

I've been telling my students that what I'm really looking for in a leader is enthusiasm. And although this may be true, I don't know that it's the missing link. I mean, it is so important to have an excitement and enthusiasm about what you do, and a lot of things will follow once enthusiasm is there, but I think there's something deeper than that.

And what makes some offices or departments or individuals angry, what makes them fail dastardly at projects, what compels them to become liars or cheaters?

I have come to the determination that what is missing, as ridiculous as it may sound, is love. Think about it. If a person truly, deeply loves another, do they lie to them, or cheat, or hate, or stay angry? Rather you want to take care of them, do your best for them, show them compassion, and fight for them.

And if a true love is developed for what you do, can you not apply similar principles?

I have fallen in love with where I am right now. And the last thing I want is to do wrong by it. So all the things that need to flow next do: enthusiasm, excitement, passion, honesty, wanting to do my best, wanting to fight for my cause...relentless love brings about all these things.

So, as I grow into this place that I love, I find myself praying ever more fervently to bring love to this place. Bring love to the employees, the students, the programs, the administration. And when its true, there will be a noticeable, un-ignorable difference. I long for that day and pray hard.

Fun in the Kitchen

In place of a blind-date-road-trip that I thought was going to take place today, I decided to clean my house and then undo most of that with some fun in the kitchen.

For the first time ever, I tried my hand at homemade pasta. It wasn't too tough, a cup or so of flour, three eggs, and a tablespoon of olive oil. But it was sure messy! After mixing the ingredients in the recommended manner (on the counter...which I wouldn't necessarily recommend), you then have to let it sit and, then roll it out thin, cut it all up, and let it rest again. And the sauce? A creamy parmesan cinnamon acorn squash sauce. Oh yeah, I did that.

It was one of those recipes that I figured I would either love or hate. Here's what's in it:
Squash (the recipe called for pumpkin...whatever)
butter
half and half
onions
garlic
cinnamon
parmesan cheese

Weird right? Yeah, that's what I thought, but it actually tastes great! Kind of savory and creamy, but it needs a little something. I'm eating it right now trying to figure out what that other thing might be. Perhaps some salt...I'll let you know.

The Hunt is On!

Well, after much debate and even more stalling, the hunt is officially on. I've set the appointment with the realtor, my family's on board with a variety of options in hand, and I want to find a home that I love.

There are so many things that I'm excited about that come a long with searching for a house. First is, of course, the hunt. I've been drooling over houses that I want to see online for weeks, and next week, I'm going to get to walk through them and critic them and think about all the things I could do with them. But then there is the moving. I have got to be one of the few people on earth that doesn't mind moving. In fact, I'm already starting to prepare for all the things that come with a move. In the past, it has not been all that tricky to move. Pick up and go. And I have...so many times. But this time there's so much more: new driver's license, car registration and plates, utilities set up, a million address changes....

So, naturally, I have created a binder (I almost bought one, but that seemed silly), with all of the things I can possibly think of that will need to happen before, during, and after a move. It's so far about seven pages long. Yep, I'm a nerd.

I'm also excited to have projects of my very own...someday. I hope to fix things up, decorate rooms, buy new furniture to help fill rooms, and maybe even garden...or try to garden. :) Even the prospect of mowing (ooh, going to need a mower), and scooping snow sound a little exciting to this perpetual renter.

So, with all the excitement, and the realization that this could take a while, my goal is to find a place, buy it, and move in by summer....we'll see. But I just wanted to share my enthusiasm with someone now. :)

Hibernation

A few weeks back, as the winds blew and the snow piled up faster than I could imagine, I complained to my friend Kristi that there must be some way that I could hibernate and skip the cold and snow and wintry months altogether. I assumed that it was simply an impossibility for humans...we're built to hustle and bustle and work too hard and remain plugged in to our many devices that we are so dependent on. But, as I found out this Christmas, it is entirely possible for a human to hibernate, even for a short while.

This Christmas, I headed off toward the folks' a day early due to impending weather, and I headed back to my little homestead a day later than expected for the same reason...leaving me at their place for six days instead of four. But I can't say I minded. All Christmas traditions (with the exception of a few little ones) were kept, and there were days to spare. My mom and I spent most of those extra days in pajamas, sleeping in way too late, lounging around, and eating far too much...sounds like hibernation to me. So, for six glorious days, I didn't check email, rarely checked my phone, did not get on facebook, did not do homework, did not even think about work... How glorious! It was true, real rest for the first time since probably last summer that I stopped everything to do nothing.

So, although I did not sleep until sometime mid-March when the grass begins to turn a warm shade of new green and peek up through the melting snow, I did manage to rest for nearly a full week, and that has made a world of difference. I'm ready now to tackle anything this new year has to offer. And although I may not have bounded out of bed this morning earlier than my alarm clock, I did manage to revel in the sunrise as I headed off to work, and that in itself felt a little like a new beginning, like the start of spring as those hibernating animals begin to shake loose from sleep. And it was good.

And I'm an idiot....

After all my troubles at the Wal-Mart the other day, I just happened to find both my debit card and my driver's license in a place I never put them....and definitely not in my office. In my house.

I'm an idiot.

At least I can get gas before I leave for work tomorrow.

The Wal-Mart Predicament

Disappointed, but not surprised. That's how I'm feeling after a rough experience at the local Super Wal-Mart last night.

I had mistakenly left my debit card and driver's license at my office on Thursday, and with the storm of doom passing over on Thursday night causing me to forgo any attempt at getting back to Dubuque at all, I debated shopping at Wal-Mart at all. But, I did have my checkbook, and in a moment of nostalgia, thought that I could actually use it as money. Scoff.

So, Friday night, I trudge out into the night, checkbook(only) in hand. I meandered the store for over an hour shopping for mainly groceries, but a few things that will remain undisclosed and proceeded to the checkout line. This is where everything went down.

After ringing up all my items, bagging them up, placing them back into my cart, I handed the cashier my check. She puts in through the little magic money machine and it kicks it back asking for a driver's license. I politely, and a little sheepishly let the lady know that I didn't have it. She let me know that I needed to show it or I couldn't pay with a check. And this point, I am flustered, to say the least. Tears are welling in my eyes, but I'm trying to remain calm. There are people behind me three carts deep, some of whom I think I recognize. I begin to quietly plead. "Ma'am, this check is all I have with me. I have nearly $100 worth of stuff here. I shop here frequently. Isn't there any way to pay with this check?" Now, I understand that I have a tendency to over exaggerate when storytelling, but today, I will stick to the facts. The cashier literally threw her hands up in the air and said, "I cannot override the computer system. There is nothing else I can do!" Refusing to let tears fall, but sounding and looking shaken, I ask to see a manager and was met with the response, "It won't do any good. They can't override the computers either."

I told her then, in a moment of desperation, that I could go get payment because I would still like to buy my groceries, but it would take me more than an hour since I would have to go and get it from Dubuque. I pointed out frozen items that I didn't want to go bad. She pushed the cart out of the way and told me, "I'll take care of it." I look around one last time hoping to find some salvation from the embarrassment I was in then pretty much ran to the doors.

I called Mom, a natural reaction to any uncomfortable situation, by now definitely crying, to which she responds, "Get back in there and demand to talk to someone. This is ridiculous. I'll pay for them over the phone..." (continued ranting on the phone). I walked back in, wiping tears, trying to act brave, Mom still on the phone, and walked to the Customer Service counter. Thankfully, one of my old student workers from fabulous UWP. I went straight to her, explained what had happened, pointed out the crabby cashier, and she said, "Oh, well, we can just take your social security number. No big deal."

Seriously? The solution was that simple? Oh, but the saga continues. They had to search a bit to find my cart, but it showed up at Customer Service, and I overheard the manager say to my friend, "Oh, she told me to get rid of this stuff." She had aborted the purchases rather than pausing it, and "took care of it" all right. I was gone all of 30 seconds, and in another minute or two, my stuff would have been back on the shelves. Imagine me an hour later returning with my debit card planning to purchase the items that cashier #12 said she would take care of for me. No one wants to see that kind of fury.

Needless to say, my buddy at Customer Service re-rang all of my items, took my social security number, and ran my check. That simple.

But here's my predicament now: I have always been a huge advocate of Wal-Mart as the only conglomerate that could really offer the best price and every item I could ever need in one place. You can find Wal-Mart's anywhere, and they're all set up pretty much the same. But because of the sheer size of the corporation, the number of customers they have, losing one is meaningless. There's zero repercussion to mistreatment or mishandling situations. Even if I never come back and somehow convince my friends to do the same, Wal-Mart feels nothing. And further more, where do I go to get all of my stuff? In a real city, you'd find me roaming local markets, whole foods stores, etc. But Platteville, Wisconsin? Not a lot of other options...Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Piggly Wiggly. Ugh. So, you probably won't find me boycotting Wal-Mart or convincing others to join my quest. But, I'm not all that happy about it.

Sigh. I'll probably get over it.

Cans of Worms

They never look as big as they are, you know. Those darn cans of worms look so small and harmless... It's just a little can, you reason with yourself, how bad could it be? But somehow, those little harmless looking cans of worms always shoot out those ridiculously oversized novelty worms that surprise everyone around. How do they do that?

So, today, I deemed myself the "Director of Cans of Worms Opening," as I somehow managed to not only open one, but nearly four separate cans. There was much surprise and shock around me as everyone reacted to the explosion of novelty worms. It just didn't look that bad before I opened it, you know?

One issue that I cracked wide open was a budget issue which was, of course, connected to a student organization issue which quickly became an all student organizations issue which then became a potential advisorship issue. Oh, and don't forget the little bookstore issue I managed to attempt to open up. That one didn't explode quite so violently, although it still may tomorrow.

Now I find myself left with lots of worms lying around and everyone looking around in disbelief. How did all of that possibly happen in one day? I have no idea, but it had to be done. And now we move forward. As a wise man once told me, "Working here is like clearing a minefield with a hammer. Good luck." I guess it just shouldn't surprise me anymore. But worry not! As Director of Cans of Worms Opening, there will be much more of this action taken, but in a few short years, we'll have it all sorted out...all the worms cleaned up and all of at least the big cans opened. Until then, hold on to your hats and watch out for flying novelty worms...there will be many more.

I Wrote You a Letter...

Dearest friend,

I just want you to know that I've been thinking about you a lot in the past few days. Between all the illnesses that have been floating around that I know you've caught a few of, and knowing that by now you're probably feeling pretty overwhelmed by the quickly approaching holiday season, you've been in my prayers.

I know there's always so much to be done around Christmas time...family, presents, food, trees, lights, travel, church...and we far too often allow the hustle and bustle to take us over. Christmas seems to lose it's meaning through all of the wrapping paper, miles driven, and meals stressed over. It becomes a little bit more about the planning and the stuff and the commercial and the bah humbug with each approaching day.

So please, take a few minutes today and sit, just stop and sit, and reflect on how incredible Christmas really is, what is truly means. Savor all of the blessings, traditions, and and moments that you have been given. Breathe deep the wonders of what you have right in front of you, and praise God for the best gift ever given. Be in awe today of that gift, and remember it for what it really is.

Jesus. King of Kings. Lord of Lords. Righteous. Holy. Pure. Messiah. Teacher. Redeemer. God Incarnate. The Only Savior. Our Only Hope.

So, take care this Christmas season. And don't let the meaning of Christmas escape your heart. I love you dearly, and I always will.

Lindsey

So Good

What is it about this season? And is it the season outside that has made me so reflective lately, or is it perhaps the season of my heart right now? As the weather transitions quickly from fall to winter, it seems that my heart is transitioning into a time equally as poetic and graceful as the fluttering flurries and flakes outside my window today. God has given me the gift of contentment, and what a marvelous gift. I'm learning what it means to appreciate things, to truly appreciate them for what they are, allowing them to just fill and warm me up, to just be able to dwell on them for a bit and savor what they are.

Right now, I'm learning about gifts...not my own gifts, but gifts that are given to me. Never have I seen so many gifts given to me in my life than right now. Time with family, a beautiful snowfall, Christmas concerts, chapel and church services, holiday parties...they are all gifts. People have worked hard to give me such gifts. How can I not have a deep appreciation for them? Last night, I went to a program on campus called Christmas on the Quad. It was a magnificent performance of bell choirs, several choirs and instrumental groups on campus followed by the lighting of the official campus Christmas tree. My heart was torn with emotions, half was swelling with appreciation and gratitude for the gift presented, and the other half was stomped on by those who did not appreciate the gift at all. My eyes welled with tears more than once for both sides of my heart. How can I teach gratitude? Can it be learned? I want so desperately to teach it to others so that their hearts can be full and contented as mine is.

In my quarterlife days, I find myself, not struggling over where or who I should be, but rather, I find myself finally breathing deep the goodness that life has to offer. I can feel the wonder and magic of tradition and the building of memories. I can feel God working in my life to refine me further and bring me closer. How thankful I am!

I want to share this with everyone. I want to spread this feeling....but how? How do you show someone the way to contentment? To love? To wonder and gratitude? To a full heart? Oh, I wish I knew. I wish you could know this as I do right now. How I pray that I will never turn back from this. It is so good.