SAD

I think my Seasonal Affective Disorder is kicking in early this year. It has been something like a week since I have seen the sun, and I'm starting to get stir crazy. I want to be outside, playing. But alas, it rains again, and I'm stuck in my pseudo-cubical "working." Maybe Saturday it will be dry enough to get outside for a few minutes.

It'll be a long winter if my SAD is kicking in in the summer. ;)

Serious Post to Follow

Sorry for the serious post to follow. My most recent postings have been light and fun, but I had something I needed to get down on "paper" and out of my heart.

So, this is a quick forewarning about what's to come. It's serious, reflective, and personal. But I don't feel any shame in sharing it with you.

Solace in Only the Keyboard

I can't say I'm quite sure what has come over me lately. At the very time that I should be full and contented, I find myself distant, quiet, empty. After two weeks of being filled up by the wonders of family time and outdoor time, two of my most favorite times, I should be abounding with some crazy hyped up joy, but it's not there. This is not to say that I am feeling depressive or even sad. I'm not either of those things. Is it the pangs of lonesomeness? I don't feel lonely. Is it sheer exhaustion? I just don't feel tired.

I just feel quiet. And maybe that's not such a bad thing overall. There are always lessons to be learned, or being learned in the stillness. One thing I do feel is the need to learn, to dive deep into His word. I feel it, but strangely, there is no motivation to act. A paradox, I suppose. And a frustrating situation to be in: to crave what's ahead but refuse to move forward. Where does that leave me? Quiet.

What is next for me to learn? Leadership? Humbleness? Weakness? Brokenness? Joy? Do I need to understand more of God's holiness? Or the breadth of his majesty? I feel so insignificant and small to try to comprehend any of it. Where has my boldness in Christ gone? I feel so timid.

So for tonight, I sit in silence. TV off. Lights dim. Listening. Wondering what God will tell me, what could be in store.

I suppose as you read this (whomever decides it may be a worthwhile endeavor) you may be inclined to worry about me, assume I am in a negative, hurtful, even wrong spot in life. But don't worry for me because I am not sad. Not lonely, not afraid, not hurt. Simply quiet. Tomorrow could reveal a different heart inside me, one of joy, boldness, literally full of song....or you may find me quiet, just as today. But know that I am held by Christ, loved deeply. And one of these days the motivation will come. The quietness will go. And I will have taken another turn on the Potter's wheel, becoming more of who I was meant to be.

Trips!

Boy has it been a whirlwind of a past few weeks. Life was supposed to slow down for me, and in a way it did, but I sure am exhausted either way.

I just got back from Wyoming Saturday. But before I discuss that trip, let's go back a little further. The week before last I was in sunny, beautiful Door County, Wisconsin with my mom. This was the first trip my mom and I had taken just the two of us, so neither of us were really sure what to expect. We ended up having a great time. We ate way too much food at very fun eateries and shopped at a lot of fun shops, spending way too much money overall. But, hey, isn't that what vacation is for? Watch for pictures coming soon.

And as for Wyoming...I love Wyoming. It is a very peaceful place. Well most of it is. I can't say I'd want to live there. Many people don't really take care of their homes and surrounding areas, making much of the inhabitable locations in the state look like dumps. But the Medicine Bow Mountains make up for the dumpy homesteads. We hiked three days, and managed to climb the highest peak in the range, topping out somewhere over 12,000 feet. We were tired and sunburned, but it was still so worth the work. Plans are in the works to tackle the tallest peaks in other ranges in future years, but we're no expert climbers by any means, so we may take it slow...right Dad? (He seems to think that we can tackle something over 14,000 feet....more than 20 miles of trail in a day...I'm not so sure.) But watch for pictures of this adventure coming soon too.

The most frightening and disheartening moments came long after both trips, on my way back home. Torrential rains hit northeast Iowa last night with thunder and lightning in magnificent (and somewhat pant-wetting) style. I debated whether to wait it out or race it home, but as it turns out, ended up doing neither. I hesitated and went back to my parents house on the first attempt when the rains first started coming. I knew if I couldn't see at 20 miles per hour, there would be no possibility at 70. After about a half hour of more rain, lightning, and thunder, I decided maybe I should just try to outrun it. (Not the best idea I've ever had, but I'm alive to tell about it.)

So I ended up taking off in the thick of the storm, and highway travel, usually hitting around 70 miles an hour, was creeping along at somewhere between 35 and 45. The lightning was blinding, brighter than daylight. The thunder shook my car. And the rain was arguably worse than white-out snow conditions. I had never really driven through anything like that before, and I couldn't decide whether to pull over and wait or keep trying to beat it. For about an hour and a half I fought it, reasoning that what was coming behind me had to be worse than what was still in front of me. But I made it. I'm a live. It was scary.

When I got home, there was more of the same. A backed up toilet that was nastier than nasty that I refused to use, a leaky window dripping water all over my bedroom, and three burned out light bulbs that I couldn't reach. Grumpily I crawled on to the couch and wrestled with the covers for the next few hours until it was time to get up and go back to work. Ugh. I'm just glad its all over.

Ah, but no rest for the weary. Tonight is volleyball. (My team rocks.) Thursday starts real work, and next week starts training for the fall. I need groceries, bathroom stuff, sleep. But you know what, it was so worth it.

Back to reality.

Oh Yeah....Now I Remember.

Have you ever had the conversation with someone that goes something like this:

"Well, what do you want to do tonight?"
"I don't know. What do you want to do?"
"Oh, I don't know. I really hadn't come up with a plan."

Really?!? No plan? Even after I told you on the phone to come up with a plan before you got here? Ugh.

Well, I have to say that my pessimistic premonitions of tonight were mostly correct. This guy was sweet, nice enough, I guess. But I can't say I was overly impressed. There are just a few rules you should probably follow when attempting to date me (men, you maybe want to pay attention to this part):

1) Show up with a plan. If I don't like your plan, I will voice my opinion. But that opinion is nothing compared to the one you'll here if you come with no plan.

2) Hold a door or two. This one is not mandatory, but use some common sense. Walking three to ten feet in front of me is not an option...and neither is leaving the passenger door locked when you get in your side of the car. Come on. It won't kill you.

3) The "F" word is not a turn on, so turn it off. If I hear it, even once, I've pretty much already checked out for the night. Two or three times, and I have the deep desire to wash your mouth out with soap.

Is that so hard? I mean, three little rules, and one is more like a guideline than a rule anyway.

Are arranged marriages legal in this country? The prospect of that rather than another first date is seeming better and better all the time. Mom, Dad, I'll maybe even let you pick him out.

Dating...ugh.

Why Do I Hate First Dates?!?

Can someone tell me why I hate first dates so much? They aren't really all that bad I guess, but for some reason they are ultimate torture for me. No one is really themselves on first dates. They are a little more suave (or at least make the attempt), a little more chatty (or maybe less chatty)...just different. I just want to be myself, you know? Where are the best friend-type guys that I've been myself around for the past few years then fall in love with? Oh, well, um...I guess I never really had many of those. Kind of wishing now that I did. Stupid romance movies that set unrealistic expectations in my head of how love should just fall together.

I hate first dates.

Even Universities Have Bullies

Today I was badgered by a higher administration bully, who will remain nameless. This person will from hence forth be known as "Big Wig" for this story's purposes.

So Big calls our office looking for some fast facts...and she wants them, well, fast. She first badgers Marcia a while with questions Marcia doesn't know the answer to. Marcia puts her on hold and sends her call to me. I was then badgered and mentally flogged for a few minutes with questions that I didn't have any answers to...followed by a dramatic story of her own ingenuity and creativity. Feeling better all the time...Big was also not afraid to let me sit in silence on the end of the phone line, squirming like a worm on a hook. Since my quick-thinking skills didn't seem to be engaged for the morning and Big was willing to wait for them to kick in, I told her I'd call her back in ten. Ten later, I did call, and she seemed strangely surprised...weird. But overall, the bully was impressed with my answers, or at least didn't protest them publicly. And I could restart my non-beating heart knowing I had past the test. Whew.

Bullies...

Oh yeah, I have a bike...and a guiltar!

So, I moved into my apartment back in May, and now July is almost over. There have been a few things that have not moved since they were moved in to their new home. As you can probably guess, those would be my bike and my guitar.

So today, it was such a beautiful day (actually, this whole week has been pretty darn amazing) so I decided to drag that untouched bike outside and find a place to ride. And, as it turns out, Belmont has a pretty nice gravel ATV trail that goes about a million miles in either direction. Ok, so I really have no idea how far it goes...I only went a few miles one way. Turns out that I'm pretty out of shape due to the extreme lack of bike riding that has taken place lately. Darn paradigm of physical activity. Anyway, I had a very nice bike ride with only the occasional interruption of the passing ATVs.

Well, the guitar doesn't need much explaining. I finally pulled it out of its corner, dusted off the case, and tuned it up. Lack of playing made me pretty rusty, but I didn't really mind.

On a completely unrelated note, please pray for my friend Julie. Wednesday she's having back surgery to fix two herniated disks in her back. For the next six weeks she won't be able to pick up either of her beautiful babies. It'll be tough for the whole family to get through, and they'll need extra prayers.

On yet another unrelated note, New Student Registration is over! I'm excited to have made it though. And I love my Peer Advisors. They did so great! But I'm also pretty sad. Now what am I going to do at the office? I fear it will get pretty boring working on computer stuff or analyzing data related to our mailings. Whoo yeah. Should be a thrill ride from here on out. Good thing I have Julie's family to keep me company.

Most Memorable Learning Experience

A while back, the question was raised: What was your most memorable learning experience. It was on a silly little personal profile for school, and I may have gotten a little carried away with it. But after I posted it, I decided that I liked my answer, and I wanted to share it with you. So, here it is, my most memorable learning experience (so far):

The task of choosing one specific moment in my life that I could consider the most memorable learning experience seems a little daunting to me. How can I choose just one? All of life, every moment really, is a series of learning experiences for me.

Looking back over life, there were lessons of falling down and getting back up again- running, first solo bike ride, roller blades…Tears and fears are pushed aside in a moment of growth and persistence. There were lessons of life, love, and loss- first crushes, goldfish lifespans, a family member passing away…And although I would never discredit the power of these life-altering lessons, these are not necessarily the lessons I remember the most.

The moments that show that limits aren't really limits, that persistence can pay off, that the heart is far stronger than you think it ever could be, these leave feelings that are always with you, bringing on a set of emotions that you never want to forget.

I once stood atop a towering waterfall looking over the edge to the deep cool waters below. Petrified of heights, my heart raced, and I wanted nothing more than to retreat to the safety of solid ground. A friend suggested we take the plunge which sounded more than crazy to me. I would never…I could never. But something urged me back to the ledge, a change was taking place, one I could not keep at bay. A wild grin came across my face as I leaned out a little farther. In a flash I was flying, soaring through the air. With a thunderous splash into icy cold water, it was over. "I could never," became "I can," became "I did!" And now, I know without a doubt that I can fly.

Homework and Procrastination...Not a Great Combo

Somehow in the year between my undergraduate studies and my first graduate level course, I forgot just how much I don't like to study. I was doing really well up until this week. Maybe it was the excitement of the first online course ever at UWL and being apart of that momentous event that had me doing work on time and keeping up with all assignments and readings. Or maybe it was the sheer amount of stuff that I had to do that kept me on my toes... Either way, Yuck!

Today my goal was to write the bulk of two major papers, both due in just over a week. Here's what I actually accomplished today:

9:00 am: Wal-Mart (now, this is pretty early for a Saturday morning with only homework on the agenda, but still, it was not really on the agenda)
10:00: post office and bank (necessary stops, but could have been done on Monday)
10:30: Unloading and putting away all the groceries I got at my non-planned excursion to Wal-Mart
11:00: I actually did read a little, printed some things off, wrote the intro to one of my papers
12:30: Drove back to Platteville and hung out outside with Alisha (in my defense, it was the perfect day to play outside...and originally it was Alisha's idea)
3:30: (Note, the time spent with Alisha was just long enough to substantiate a sunburn to further my already horrible farmer's tan...anyway...) Started the bulk of one of the papers, wrote three pages or so, fluffed a lot of it, actually researched some of it, then...
6:30: Writing in my blog because I've lost interest in my paper.

So, one almost down, and one and some to go. And a short holiday week to get it all done in. Sweet. Homework...how can one forget the Yuck factor?

Congratuations, You're an Uncle!

Lately, Isabelle has been a little confused. A few weeks back, she had a whole slue of family staying at her house for a few days, and she got to know her aunt and uncle as well as her grandparents a little better. Her uncle was so excited that out of everyone, Uncle was the name that she picked up and used most frequently. What he doesn't know, is that she now uses that term for, well...me.

That's right, folks. I'm lovingly known as Uncle in Isabelle's house. Never Lindsey, or any other name for that matter. Just Uncle. Her parents are desperately trying to correct her and be sure that I am called Lindsey, but I'm not. I think it's hilarious. Really? Uncle? Awesome. I figure, in a year or two, she'll have a much better command of language, and it'll correct itself. Until then, I'll just keep answering to Uncle.

A Woman on the Edge!

I have to say that I am tired. I will spend my last waking moments of today blowing off what little steam I have left.

I had a Peer Advisor quit today. If I wasn't tired enough...

[Sidebar: Due to the miracles of technology, did you know that you can spell advisor either "advisor" or "adviser"? Spell check and the thesaurus told me so...and apparently, they mean about the same thing, but not quite. Check it out on Word sometime.]

I forgot to go to Wal-Mart, so now I have very little soap left for my next shower, I needed a prescription today that I will have to live without until tomorrow, and I'll have to go orange juice-less for yet another day.

My new ottomans came today, and I still can't tell if they are brown or black...and one has a tiny whole in it...darn.

My cable package sucks (not that I have any time to watch it). But it is so horrible that I can't even find anything on that is suitable for background noise while I'm doing my homework.

So, with all that said, and my head feeling a little less filled with crappiness, I am going to exhaustedly climb into bed and sleep until it is time to go play with my kids...the only thing keeping me smiling right now.

Good night.

My Babies!

Who doesn't love to see cute babies?!? Look how much they've grown!

Moving Fun!

Click below to see some great photos of my recent seven mile move! (My suggestion: after you click the link, hit Slideshow.)

Holy Cow! Where have I been?

Sorry! I just realized today that it has been a long time since I've last updated this. Do you know how much you've missed in the past fifteen days?!?

I've started grad school...It's a little scary, but I think I can survive it. I have already completed several assignments on time, and somehow I'm even managing to work a little ahead of schedule. Amazing, I know.

I moved! Yeah, that's right. I managed the giant leap of seven whole miles from Platteville to Belmont. I'm pretty much all settled now except for the all important wall hangings and such. Luckily my mom is coming back for a long weekend to help me finish up some things. Thanks, Mom!

I get my internet connection tomorrow afternoon barring any major issues with the installation. So, you should find more frequent posts after that.

I have tons of new photos to share with you. They will also be posted after the internet installation has been completed.

So there's the quick update. Nothing you probably didn't already know.

More on the Mysteries of Life

Funny. Just a few hours ago I wrote a heartfelt entry about the mystery of God and how I knew there was something just around the bend waiting for me. But tonight, for some strange reason, much of that feeling is gone. It may just be fatigue or a little loneliness (romance movies do that to a girl), but right now I just feel tired, maybe a little empty. In a matter of hours I have been unexplainedly drained.

How could something so silly like forgetting laundry in the washer for an hour or not getting to Wal-Mart make me feel so crabby? I truly hate being crabby, whiny, complainy...People notice that just as much as someone who is incessantly happy, joyful. Trust me. There are certain acquaintances in my life that don't seem to know what joy is. I would hate to be one of those people. How awful.

So, tonight, as I continue to furrow my brow without explanation, I pray for peace.

My dad had an interesting thought tonight. He told me of a man who ended all his conversations with, "Make it a good day!" rather than "Have a good day!" We do have the choice after all. When I feel bitterness or measly grumpiness creeping up on me, am I not the only one to tell it to get lost?

From great day, to grumpy evening, to beautiful night, I will know that this has been a great day. And the mysteries continue tomorrow, God willing. Beautiful mystery.

Some Days

There are some days when I think that maybe my life is just a little too dull for things like blogging, get-togethers to update friends on life, Christmas letters... But then there are days when I take time to review all the exciting things that are really going on in life.

Let's review.

-I am currently gainfully employed at UWP.
-I will be shifting jobs slightly for the summer, moving from full-time to part-time temporarily.
-I will soon resume nannying for my favorite kids ever.
-In two weeks, I will have a new place of residence in the booming city of Belmont.
-In two weeks, I will have begun a graduate degree through UWL.
-Sand volleyball starts up in three weeks, my favorite non-competitive sport.
-I have successfully survived my first full year of living off-campus (paying bills, rent, etc. on time.)
-I have seen my family more times in the past year than possibly all four years of my undergraduate career combined.

Ok, so to you, maybe this list just reminds you of how dull my life real may be, but to me, this is a thriving list of change, growth, and fantasticness. I read that list and breathe in deep the goodness of life. Every time I open my mouth to complain, or in most cases, after a complaint has been made, I stop an remember just how many reasons I have not to complain, or be bitter. And when I hear others complain about the general ho-hum-ness of life, spouses, jobs, events, etc. it makes me remember even more how much I am blessed.

You know, the past few years have not exactly been a time of spiritual growth for me. Without the help of small groups, the accountability that comes with that, without a good study to follow, or even the time to join a Sunday school class, I've been pretty stagnant. And I believe that that happens sometimes in a Christian's life, and that's ok. But there's been something stirring inside me. A few of you may understand what I'm talking about, that feeling that something is coming, something is changing. That sort of butterfly feeling that catches you off guard at random times throughout the day.

I absolutely love the mystery of God. This used to be (and occasionally still is) something that frustrated me. God, why won't you tell me what I'm supposed to do? Can't You please reveal what my future will hold? But what would life be without the mystery of the plan? To be so predictable that we can plan out every year of our lives to the last detail...where's the excitement in that? Right now, I love that life is open ended. I know there's a plan, and I will fit into it just as God designed. That is the beauty of it all.

Sorry, I guess I got a little lengthy, but there's just a feeling in my heart. It needed an attempt to be expressed.

Every Project Takes a Weirdy

I have recently started a new project in life. (At this point, a few of you are thinking, "Why in the world would you start another project? Aren't two jobs, a volleyball team, grad school, and moving enough?" But I really like projects.)

I have joined the planning committee for the Habitat for Humanity Women's Build. Women from across Grant county will be coming together for the next year and a half planning, organizing, learning, and building a new home for a needy family in the area. How cool is that? Now, being realistic, there are many men that will be instrumental in the project. For instance, how many female contractors or subcontractors do you know in the county? Can you think of one? How about any county? The answer is no. There aren't many female cement pourers, carpenters, plumbers, or electricians out there. So, men will be definitely helping, but it's the women who will be in there getting their hands dirty, learning the trade of home-building, framing, siding, roofing, finishing...How cool.

If anyone is interested in helping (either in the planning, learning a new trade, leading a crew or committee, or actually building that house) please let me know. I'd love to have a huge crew of amazing women working hard to help a family out. Give me a call or shoot me an email.

As it turns out, the director of Grant counties Habitat is kind of a weirdy. Not so much a weirdy as just a disorganized space cadet. It made me laugh at our first meeting last night because she kept saying, "I love organizing things...I just love it," as another pile of papers fell off the table, or she needed to run to her office one more time for something. (Ladies, she really needs our help!) :)

Anyway, new endeavors are always fun. Join in!

Good Advice

The best advice that I have received in a while was from the IT personnel at UW-La Crosse.

I emailed the Information Technology Office with a dilemma of not being able log into my email after changing my password. Lucky me. I clearly described who I was, what my problem was, all the usual items to include. I received the following email in return:

Lindsey, Unfortunately for security reasons you will have to stop by room 103 of the Wing Technology Center with a photo ID for us to reset your password. Sorry for any inconveniences. Thanks. ITS Support Center

Sweet. Thanks for that. Sure let me drive on up there to reset my password...Just what I want to spend an entire day doing. Two minutes later, I received the following email:

Lindsey, After sending you my previous e-mail I noticed that you are an online grad student. In this case you may give us a call so that we can reset your password, but we will have to ask you a few security questions.Sorry for the confusion with my previous e-mail. Thanks. ITS Support Center

Ha, thanks pal. :) Needless to say, all is well now, and I do not anticipate changing my password again...ever.

May?

On a completely unrelated note from the previous post...can anyone believe that it's really May already? I mean seriously.