Things I don't not believe

This morning in church, our pastor did something that in six years, I had never seen anything close to. He started the service sitting down in a chair on the stage holding a wireless microphone. He let us know that he had no notes for this morning, no sermon prepared. He explained that in recent months the Spirit of God had been using him in ways he couldn't explain or control. His body sometimes moved without explanation or desire to do so, he could feel power and pain and healing passing to and through him. 

As he spoke, his body began to move in bizarre manners, going from sitting to standing, to tip-toes, to arched. Men of the church went up to assist him to be sure he didn't fall. He went from standing to the ground, face down, back to standing and arched. And then when it was over, he went and sat back down. 

I didn't know what to feel. I know I believe that the Spirit can move in the very ways I witnessed this morning, but that doesn't keep me from feeling confused, skeptical. And the pastor urged us to check his words and actions against scripture, of which I'm quite sure I will find no conflict. I really do believe this stuff can happen. I don't not believe any of itI believe that people can speak in tongues, heal others, hear words directly from God; I believe in the presence of demons and angels, spiritual warfare... So why went it actually happens, do I doubt, shy away, feel skeptical? 

I've never seen anything quite like what I saw today. And my guess is that the guests I brought to church this morning will not opt to return with me anytime soon. 

Strangest Analogy Ever

Today, I was offered one of the strangest, but perhaps most apt analogies anyone has ever offered me. A bit of a background story: A colleague/friend and I had just finished up a long, fairly emotional conversation about an issue of which we each had personal conflict with each other. It's been a project we've worked long and hard on together, and in an instant, last week, it all seemed to come to a screeching halt. We didn't talk for nearly a week, but today we got back together. We had to. We had one last meeting before we present the big project to the big wigs on Thursday. So, we came to a resolution together after some soul searching, a few tears, brave moments of honesty, and a certain heartfeltness that only comes from being both friends and coworkers. 

And after it was all done, she says to me, "Well, this is your baby. It has been all along. And you need to think of Thursday like a birthday...your day to deliver the result of all of your hard work to the world. So, take your vitamins, get some sleep, and on Thursday morning, be ready to push." 

At first, I found this analogy to be extremely awkward, but frankly, the more I think of it, the more sense it makes. This last week, I've been all sorts of emotional as things get stretched, stressed, and put to the test here toward the end...having not ever actually been pregnant, I can only assume a certain amount of emotional volatility develops as one nears the end of that long nine month road of developing, protecting, and growing that precious baby. And now, a few days before the big day, I'm getting nervous, excited, anxious to see the result out in front of me, laid out for everyone to see. And the work of getting this whole big project even presented in concept to the big wigs is, well, work. Hard work. Strenuous, nerve-racking, frightening work. A little like labor, right?

So, I guess my friend wasn't all that far off. On Thursday morning, I will have no choice but to be ready to deliver the precious cargo I've been carrying for nearly the last two years. It will be, in no uncertain terms, a very big birthday. 

You know, the metaphor may be right on, but I can't seem to shake the disturbing mental image of me actually giving birth in the conference room with seven or so colleagues and administrators sitting around watching. *Shiver* :)

Restorative Exhaustion

Can there be such thing as restorative exhaustion? A day that makes you feel tired, worn out, and old, but yet somehow fulfilled and restored? This week was a pretty tough week for me, as I reflected last night. But today, in my twelth hour of about sixteen at work, it only takes one student saying, "You really do go above and beyond for us...and I don't know how you do it." or one alum that has heard of my efforts to rebuild the social Greek system at UD and tells me, "It's so great to hear of what you're doing for the Greeks. It really is about life-long friendships." And I somehow feel like last week was kind of worth it. Like it wasn't maybe just so bad. 

And I guess that's what keeps me here, you know? It's that ability to measure the good against the bad, and again and again, determine that it's worth going through. Logical? Probably not. But for the past three years, it's worked. One day it may drive me to absolute insanity, but I guess it works, and it's a risk I'm willing to take. 

An Effective Attack

I haven't had a week like this in quite a while. Oh, what a struggle it has been. I feel so defeated. My view of my very worth has been attacked from all sides, and what an effective attack it has been. 

The week began with an honest but unexpected conversation with a colleague that shook my confidence on a major project I've been working diligently on for nearly two years. I've been fixated on it all week, usually worrying myself all the way to worst-case scenario mode, occasionally spontaneously bursting into tears, trying to figure out what I've done wrong or what I could have done better, second guessing all of my effort. An unnecessary work-up to be sure, but that's how attacks work I suppose. 

Then yesterday and today, I worked diligently to try to protect a student organization by attempting to set up a meeting with another professional on campus. There were some things that just needed to be discussed professional to professional, and I really thought I was doing the right thing for the organization and for the professional. Three times in two days, I set up a time and place, and three times in two days I was canceled upon. I found out too late that the reason I was being canceled on was because this professional was going around me to speak with a student from the organization instead. Then this professional proceeded to speak ill of me personally to the student. So not only did this person's actions speak clearly of their view of my worth, but their actual words spelled out their view of my worth. 

And topping off the attack on my worth, my week isn't even over. I will quietly work a sixteen hour Saturday with students, something I will most likely even enjoy, but it will undoubtedly go unnoticed by most, not that acknowledgment is any real sort of reason for why I do what I do...

Look, the fact of the matter is I know that I have worth. But that knowledge doesn't halt Satan's ability to attack it. He knows that all it takes is a tiny fissure, a little crack in the armor, and once he finds it, he can pick at it and pick at it until I'm just exhausted, affected, hurt. But it's time to attack back. I have worth. And I can prove it. 

Genesis 1:27 says, "So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them." How could I forget that God fashioned me after himself?  

Psalm 139 says: "You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely...For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb..." God thinks I'm worth enough to know everything about me. He dreamed me up and knows everything about me. 

Romans 8:15 tells me, "The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship." I am a child of God. I have worth because the Spirit living in me brings about my adoption. 

That is such a tiny start. Such a little glimpse into the worth that God sees in me. I haven't even touched the fact that Jesus died for me. He died for me. Because he loves me. I'm worth his life. His life fills mine with worth. So, take that, Satan. You don't define my worth. This week's attacks are temporary. They won't last. My worth in Christ is eternal. It will last forever. And because of that, I can endure weeks like this.

And Christians are just like, "Oh well..."

I recently posted about a conversation with a friend in which I had the chance to share the gospel with a friend. I've been playing bits and pieces of that conversation back in my mind ever since, mainly just because of the uniqueness of the situation and conversation. 

But one of the things that really has stuck with me was when my friend said something to the effect of: "I just can't buy that...that God would only accept a few people and not others that don't believe in Jesus. That would mean most of my family, 90% of my friends, and even religious leaders of the world. What about the people that are born in the Middle East and never have the opportunity to even hear about Jesus? And Christians look around, shrug their shoulders, and are just like, 'Oh well.'"

My response was probably not just exactly square, but I think I said something about God's view of justice and fairness versus our own. But perhaps I should have stressed the thousands of missionaries being supported by churches and families all over the world, the outreach efforts of local churches through countless ministries (homelessness services, medical clinics, home repairs...). Or maybe I should have made known how much a conversation like the one we were in the middle of broke my heart at some level that doesn't even have words to express it. "Oh well"? It's not an "oh well" issue. It's an issue of life and death. Is that what non-Christians really think when they look into the life of a Christian? "Oh well"? What a limited and broken view, a world-tainted view.

Now, please don't miss understand. There are indeed Christians that hold an "Oh well" attitude. There are those that choose to ignore the world, their friends, their family that do not accept Jesus' gift. And there are those that find safety hiding out in their Jesus huddles, refusing to reach out, finding it easier to just praise God together alone. And surely the world sees this...well, obviously it does based on my conversation with one friend that was not afraid to say it so boldly. That in and of itself fills me with some sort of call to action. I know I'll never be able to make up for a whole group of Christians refusing to love like Jesus, but certainly I can do all I can to be the living, breathing, moving, acting presence of God in the world. And I hope that non-Christians in my little sphere of influence see that, feel it, understand it. 

I do not accept an "Oh well" attitude in my life. I want to live as a pure reflection of Jesus to those around me so that there is no question.

Glory to God Anyway

I recently had the opportunity to present the gospel to an unbelieving friend. It was in the middle of quite the heated discussion about right and wrong, truth and relativism, and I somehow knew that what I was saying not only wasn't resonating with my friend, it was pretty much offending him. Ultimately, he let me know that my views were far too closed-minded for him. 

And although it was generally unpleasant to walk away from a conversation like that having made no noticeable difference in a friend's life, you know what? Glory to God anyway. I got the opportunity to express God's love to someone who hadn't ever experienced it. I can't soften his heart myself. I can't force him into knowing Jesus. God gave me the chance to plant a seed, and I did. Who knows how it may impact his life down the road. And what if none at all? Well, God gets the glory anyway.

"The bigger the change we hope for..."

I am reading a book right now called Culture Making with a group of about thirty-five other faculty and staff members on campus, and so far, I've really enjoyed the beginning of the book. But tonight, while reading through chapter three, I had to stop, reread, star, underline. The author was describing rates of change in culture. He argued that there are different layers of culture that change and impact culture at different rates of speed and significance. For instance, fashion is a part of culture but beyond magazine archives fashion causes no real significant impact. There's no longevity. One day, dark colors and wide flowy pants are the hotest items, and the next, skinny jeans and vibrant florals are in. One fashion statement does not build on a previous to create another. They just come and go as the breeze blows. On the other end of the spectrum, things like government systems provide for some of the slowest but arguably most significant changes to culture and society.

And then I came across the quote that had me starring and underlining and rereading and such: "The bigger the change we hope for, the longer we must be willing to invest, work, and wait for it." For some reason, this struck me as if it was a totally new concept. 

I am working awfully hard to construct new cultural ideas in a campus that seems to so desperately need them. I spend my days correcting foul language, trying to tame wild and unpredictable attitudes about people and services, counseling students through appropriate choices in lifestyle... I expend immeasurable efforts drafting documents, proposals, summary reports, arguments, rallying cries... All of this in an attempt to somehow make the campus a better place to live, to learn, to work, to serve. And I get so darn impatient! I find myself eternally frustrated when asked for yet another revision, or another cyclical conversation, or the many deja vu moments with students repeating myself like a crazed broken record. 

But the change I'm hoping for is big. It's not just a change in a student or two; it's how students live. It's not just trying to make programs better; it's using programs to change lives. All of the work is to make campus somehow better, somehow different from the rest of the world so that the people that leave this place go into the world and make the world somehow better. That's a big change, a big hope. Why would I think it would happen overnight? Why would I be frustrated with small amounts of change, progress, improvement? 

Revolutions and revivals are exciting bursts of activity that make marks in history books for having existed, but they are either not the stand-alone events they appear to be or they are not really all that significant in the long-run. These moments are just the moment that the light switch is flipped and the lights come on. But they usually fail to take into account the countless hours spent wiring the house and checking the circuits that needed to take place for that switch to be flipped. So, I suppose, right now, I need to be okay, or maybe even excited, being the electrician wiring the house knowing that one day the lights will come on. 

The author drove home the point by saying, "Nothing that matters, no matter how sudden, does not have a long history and take part in a long future." (I know, English loving friends, a lot of double negatives going on there...but think about it, would you?) Things that matter come from somewhere and impact something. They can't not. 

Discernment

It seems that the Holy Spirit has been pressing on me lately to hone in on the topic of discernment as of late, and I have to admit that it somewhat caught me off guard. Having grown up a Christian my entire life, having been guided by sound biblical teaching, mentors, parents, consistent Sunday school lessons, I kind of thought that I had the idea of discernment all wrapped up.

As a mentor for the Wendt Character Scholars, I find that I often learn more than I teach, something I promised my small group on our first night together. This semester's topic is integrity, and we're reading together Steven Carter's aptly named book, Integrity. In the first chapter, Carter provides his working definition for the word in three parts: "1) discerning what is right and what is wrong, 2) acting on what you have discerned, and 3) saying openly that you are acting on your understanding of right from wrong." One of the mentors spoke eloquently about the three parts of the definition, but spent much time focusing on step one, discerning right from wrong. She asked the group to come up with other words that help us understand the not-so-frequently used word. The group came up with the following list: 

• filtering
• perceiving
• distinguishing
• considering
• determining
• establishing
• objectively evaluating
• discovering
• discriminating
• judging

The conclusion of all of these words: None of it is simply what I feel. Discernment is not just a gut reaction or a heart-pull in one direction or another. It's not going with the flow or jumping on the bandwagon. It's not assuming that just because a friend made a decision, that you'll come to the same conclusion. No, discernment, I'm afraid, is hard work. It requires a certain knowledge of ultimate right and wrong in order to conjecture right and wrong in specific situations. Not a societal right and wrong, not a familial right and wrong, and ultimate truth of some kind that is indeed where discernment can start. Without truth, where would one start on a journey of discernment? What measure of right and wrong would one seek out? 

Some may reason, Well, I follow my heart. Ah, but how much so can we even trust our own hearts? Our emotions, feelings, our guts? There are warnings against this very heart-trust in plain language in the Bible. Jeremiah 17:9, which I will be spending some significant time with this week states, "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" So, my heart may want something terribly, but is it necessarily right? I may long for some desire, but it may not be in any form good. 

The speaker for the night continued to drive this point home with a quote that I will attribute to her since Google has not helped me locate it from any alternative source: "The heart is an important instructor only after is has been instructed." A heart by itself, as well intentioned as it might be, as much of a good heart it may consider itself, simply cannot discern right from wrong. It can only tell what feels good, what promotes self worth, what satisfies impulses and urges and yearnings right now. But a heart that is first instructed by the Holy Spirit can navigate those feelings, yearnings, decisions with a solid knowledge of unchanging truth. And the more I train my heart, the easier, though I would argue rarely easy, difficult decisions become. 

And how does one train their heart for discernment? The Word of God is where we find our truth, the unwavering, unchanging truth of right and wrong, established and inspired by God himself for his people. And when the Word is too difficult to understand on our own, we rely on the Holy Spirit living actively inside us to continue to instruct our hearts beyond our own limited understanding.

So, I guess at the heart of it all, is God. When I encounter a difficult decision, or something that seems to pull my head and my heart and my feelings and my knowledge all in different directions, the best thing I can do is go back to the Word of God, to dig into wherever it is God leads me, to learn from what he teaches me, and to listen to the interpretation of the Living God inside me. That's discernment. And that's just scratching the surface.

What I believe about the Bible...

I am eyeball deep in conversation right now. The topic? What exactly do you believe about the Bible? And believe it or not, that is a narrowed topic from where we started. I posed the following questions, and I feel that I should do my diligent best to answer the same at least: Think on what you know of the Bible. Have you ever read any of it? Do you have any interest in reading it now? What do you believe about the book if anything? Does the book or has it ever impacted your life in any way? 

I will be honest and admit that I have never read the whole Bible. I've never tried to read it cover to cover. I have been extremely unsuccessful at yearly reading plans and even any sort of daily or weekly devotionals. I find myself reading the Bible at random times like early in the morning when I first arrive at my office or when I'm in the middle of a thousand project list. But I find myself consulting the Word frequently for a quick verse reference or to remind myself of a story.

Some of my favorite books of the Bible include the letters to the Philippians, Ephesians, Colossians, Corinthians, Thessalonians, Galatians...They are letters, like something I would maybe write, to people, churches, loved ones on all sorts of topics - family, church business, teaching, reminders of what's right and wrong in Christian communities, helpful hints on how to pray, love, serve better...

What do I believe about the Bible? I believe that the Bible is the inspired word of God. Why do I believe that? Well, the Bible says so. For skeptics, that's the equivalent of saying that every word of a sports magazine is true because it says so somewhere in the pages. Well, I'm not a biblical scholar, but there are a few things I know anyway. First, not only does the Bible identify itself as the inspired word of God, but it does so repeatedly. Different authors from different periods of time all reiterate the same fact. This stuff comes from God. Now, I will admit that I'm not completely 100% sure what is meant by "inspired word of God." Does that mean that God whispered in authors' ears the exact words they should write? Does it mean that God actually emblazoned it on pages Himself? Does it mean once it was written He reviewed, edited, and approved? Was it merely selected by God? I guess I'm not sure. But no matter, it comes from God.

I also believe that the Bible is not a fairytale. It's a history book, a chronology of the work of God from creation to a while after Jesus lived his life out on earth. Does that mean that I think each and every story should be taken completely literally? I don't think so. Some stories and books in the Bible call us to use our sanctified imaginations. And some stories are just meant to not quite be figured out. The creation story comes to mind here. Was the world created in a literal six days followed by a literal day of rest? Perhaps. But doesn't it say something in the Bible about a thousand years being like a moment for God? Does it effect my view of the creation story? No. God created the earth from nothing into something with His hands, His creativity, and His love. That's enough for me.

Has the Bible impacted my life in any way? Ha, oh my yes. As a little girl, I grew up in Sunday school classes learning the fantastic old testament stories that taught me to be brave, to love others, to obey my parents, that God is always with me, that He listens to my prayers... Growing and maturing, the Bible taught me right and wrong, how to deal with others, how to develop relationships, what forgiveness means, oh so many things. And I know the Bible to be a tool to build and strengthen my relationship with God. It's His heart on paper. It shows me what He loves, what He hates, what He desires for me and all of His creation. The more I spend time in the word, the more I learn the heart of God. The more I learn the heart of God, the more I love what He loves, hate what He hates, desire what He desires... The impact of the Bible on my life is simply immeasurable.

I feel like I could write for days on what I believe about the Bible because it's not simple; it's complex and full of questions and ponderings. The Bible has been a part of my whole life, and it seems so inadequate to boil it down to just a few paragraphs. But there you have at least a start, a few thoughts to spur on a few thousand more.

Kind of Strange

You know, I find it kind of strange that some days I have endless things to say, opinions to share, lessons to teach...And some days, nothing. The last few weeks, my head and heart have been full. There has been much to process, and usually that's what you see falling onto these pages...reflection and processing. But for some reason, despite feeling like I have plenty to process, I've felt like maybe I should just remain quiet for a while. 

So, weeks have gone by without so much as a peep here about a recent fantastic first date, a wonderful four-week sermon series at church from Ephesians, an extremely successful j-term at UD, an opportunity to invite my neighbors to church...so many wonderful, unexpected things. Why haven't I shared anything?

I wonder if perhaps I'm suppose to spend more time just listening. I like to think I'm a good listener, but sometimes I'm not so sure. I feel like maybe some days I dominate conversations all around me...with friends, with mentors, with God. As if my stories are somehow more important, more significant. But perhaps now, when so many things are going on in my life, when there are questions, things to get excited about, things to be frustrated about...all at once, now it is of utmost importance to stop and listen. Pray. Listen. Sit quietly. Listen.

Taboo Topics on a First Date

[This post was created on 1/17, nearly immediately after the date referenced in the post. Upon rereading it on 3/13, I thought it harmless to actually post. Enjoy.]

This weekend was one of the most unexpected weekends I can remember. The whole thing was surreal. There's a ton of back matter to this story which I've probably already told you anyway. So I'll just try to stick to the facts.

Briefly, a co-worker, and a brave soul indeed, set me up with her brother on a blind date. She also invited me over for dinner with her and her husband and her brother before we had even met. It could have all been potentially very awkward, but as it turns out, it wasn't so much. Pat and I met for coffee downtown Saturday morning and almost instantly fell into a comfortable conversational rhythm. It wasn't long before we were telling our way through life stories and funny memories and laughing and having a great time. Coffee went by, then lunch, then dinner. We just really enjoyed each others' company.

After dinner with the sister and husband, and after a healthy does of men versus women in the game Password, it was just Pat and I talking again. And for whatever reason, we launched into a super serious conversation about beliefs, values, the future, our ex's...all of which, I'm quite sure qualify as pretty strictly taboo topics when it comes to first dates. Not knowing where the other stood as far as religion and spirituality, we talked at great length about that. I can't say, prior to this weekend, that I've ever really presented the Gospel on a first date. This was not ordinary first date.

After a few hours of talking, we were both exhausted and went our separate ways with plans to get together the next day. Although the mood was much lighter and much less serious than the night before, we still managed to stumble into taboo territory including more Gospel talk (including me fumbling through explaining the sermon I had heard that morning), family talk (as in, "do you want kids?"), and more ex-talk.

The idea that dating gets easier as we get older is such a myth. Dating is hard to navigate, exhausting, and frankly, there's more at stake the older we get.

The Power of Kindness

As I continue to ponder kindness, I am constantly keeping an eye out for resources that help me wrap my brain around the idea. The other day, I stumbled upon a short video clip from the local newspaper. Dubuque's First Citizen this year, apparently known well for her kindness, responded to the interviewer's question, "...what is the power of kindness?"

http://www.thonline.com/multimedia/?id=3580

I'm not sure I liked her answer all that much. She seems like a very kind woman, and I don't want this to feel like any sort of award-recipient bashing, but her response was that the power of kindness lies in the ability of each of us to display it. Is there really power in that? Certainly there is some semblance of influence in it, just by the logic of critical mass. If a large number of people choose to be kind, then it will spread to others, influencing them to also be kind. 

But what is the power of kindness? What can kindness do? Kindness disarms. It can take a defensive, hurt individual and calm them, easing the tension and hurt. You've seen it happen, yes? A simple hand on a shoulder, a come-let's-talk-about-it look or gesture, a gift of apology...all disarming. Kindness heals. Broken hearts can be mended by kindness. Think of the times you were most hurt and how you moved on. What did it take? A talk with a friend or mentor? A hug? A gift? A letter written from the heart? These things heal us, and they are brought forth through genuine kindness. I'd say these things are powerful indeed. 

Where does kindness stem from? Where do its roots lie? What is the origin of kindness? Next time...

Irrelevance of Balance

Although I'm sure I'll come back to the many conflicting ideas of kindness floating around in my head lately, a theme has been emerging in my life that I feel the need to make mention of. I'm not sure I'll have any sort of concluding thoughts on this theme, perhaps just a few initial perceptions...

While eating lunch at a strange little place downtown, we talked of life and work and school and the general overwhelming nature of life. I was honest in saying that entering grad school could be just a terrible thing as far as my life balance goes. My wise friend and mentor, in her usual honest, frank way said that she didn't think balance in each stage of life was really a possible thing...maybe over the course of a lifetime one could hope to average out somewhere in the realm of balance, but not in every season. Some seasons have more work, more study, more quiet, more chaos. But to attempt to achieve balance in each stage just would drive a person to a frustrated insanity. I wasn't so sure I agreed just completely. 

But tonight, as I started another new book (note, I said started...I've got a pile of something like seven started books...none of which I've managed to finish), I stumbled upon this quote from Jacques Ellul, a French philosopher that I won't even pretend to know anything about. In his book, Reason for Being: A Meditation on Ecclesiastes, he writes:

Remember your Creator during your youth: when all possibilities lie open before you and you can offer all your strength intact for his service. The time to remember is not after you become senile and paralyzed! Then it is not too late for your salvation, but too late for you to serve as the presence of God in the midst of the world and the creation. You must take sides earlier - when you can actually make choices, when you have many paths opening at your feet, before the weight of necessity overwhelms you.

This, to me, sounds like encouragement for specific seasons of life - those seasons when you're young, full of energy, ambition. This is perhaps not the time to strive for balance at all. It is the time to strive to be the very presence of God in the world. Later will be too late. I will be tired and slow and old. But right now, now I've got the drive, the passion, maybe even the insanity to dive deeply into my purpose for living. 

As I said before, I'm not so sure I've got any actual conclusive remarks on this matter...just a few unfinished thoughts on the theme of seasons and the irrelevance of balance in living out a life of purpose. I'm interested to wait and see if anything else comes up like this, and if nothing else, perhaps I have another book to start in the near future as I've already looked up Ellul's book and found it right on the shelves of the campus library.

Initial Ponderings on Kindness

If you read my resolutions post recently, the you've already heard briefly of my heart's desire to learn to be more genuinely kind. Lately, I've been doing a bit of pondering about what this really means. But the more I ponder it, the more I begin to wonder how feasible something like learning to be kind might be.

The trouble, I'm finding? We live in a broken world. The model of kindness doesn't really work here. Think about it. Who "gets ahead" in this world? Driven, manipulative, cut-throat people get ahead. They are CEOs, leaders. They are rich, successful, powerful. Where do nice people end up? Dead last. Nice people get trampled. 

Think about it. People that are kind generally get taken advantage of. If I am kind and offer my money to an organization, my name ends up on some list and I get asked ten thousand times for money. If I offer my help on a project at work, I get asked to do a few more, or worse, I'm expected to continue to do nice things all the time. Suddenly, I find myself drowning in all the nice things I'm doing while also failing to do all the things I should be doing. 

But if I was truly genuinely kind, would this bother me? It shouldn't, right? If my heart was in the right place about the kind things I do, then being walked on a little shouldn't hurt my feelings. But, facts are facts. Being taken advantage of does bother me. I feel like I'm always being burned. 

Enter, the Jesus example. His heart was kind. He loved sinners, weirdos, children. He felt compassion on the sick and injured. But He wasn't always Mr. Nicey Nice. Off the top of my head, I can recount examples of Jesus throwing things in the temple, asking the healed not to tell of His works, attempts to remove Himself from hoards of people (to pray, to sleep, on a hill, in a boat...). I can only imagine these must have been Jesus' intentional choices to not be completely overrun, trampled. A genuine heart of kindness is not a blind or foolish heart.

I know I'm not done wrestling with this. How did Jesus decide who to heal and who to walk away from? When to teach and when to rest? When to turn the other cheek and when to utilize a little righteous anger? When to hang with the group and when to take a moment for Himself? 

To be honest, I'm not really sure what I've learned in this quick and dirty review of Jesus' moments of not-kindness. There is much seeking to be done...which probably means a little less talking and a lot more listening, seeking after the kind heart of God.

Living into the Unexpected

Happy 2011! The new year has officially been rung in, and although watching the ball drop on TV is like an episode of the Twilight Zone (oh the music and the wardrobe selections...how out of touch with current culture I am), it was festive and lighthearted all around with good friends. 

I've reflected already about the many blessings of 2010 as well as some of my hopes and desires for 2011, but it has really struck me today that my heart should prepare for one main thing this year: the unexpected. What does that mean, you may ask. But the honest answer is that I don't really know. I suppose that's what makes the unexpected unexpected. 

I want to take joy in unexpected things, big and small, significant and insignificant. Tonight, I drove home from Platteville and it started to snow. I didn't think it was supposed to snow tonight. It was so beautiful! As I drove through town, I admired the floating flakes under every single street lamp. Insignificant, but enjoyable. I want to soak up these unexpected moments. And I can only imagine what types of unexpected significant things God may have in store for me.

So, 2011, here I come. Bring on your unexpected. I will show you my joy. Whatever God has in store, I'm excited to receive it.

Setups can be awkward.

Setups and awkward just go together. Even long before the official setting up takes place, there is a certain amount of awkward that takes place any time one of the setupee's gets brought up in conversation. And, since it seems to be the season to set Lindsey up with people (which I'm generally all for), there has been a fair amount of awkward floating around.

Before Christmas, a co-worker (who shall remain nameless) emailed me about some work related thing, but then mentioned in passing that she may bring her brother to the gala next year since he's such a great dancer...then proceeded to mention that he was single. This, of course, spawned a trail of emails about her brother between her and I, and frankly, by the end of it all he sounded pretty darn great. 

Today, she and I had a chance to catch up after the holidays, and we talked about all sorts of upcoming work things, and as she was heading out the door, I got up the guts to say, "So, what made you think to bring up your single brother to me in the first place?" "Well..." And then she proceeded to tell me all the great things about him (and he still sounded pretty great), but then she said, "But I'm afraid he's maybe too old for you." "How old?" "Well...40-some." "40-some? Or 40? There would be a pretty big difference for someone in their 20s." "I can't remember for sure...42 maybe?" Awkward pause. That would be, by far, the oldest guy I've ever gone out with. There's a good 15 years or maybe more between us....making him closer to my parents age than my own. It could be weird. It could be really weird. But it could be equally not so weird. I don't know. 

So, after some more talk of his life with several awkward pauses and no longer really looking each other in the eye so much, I asked a fairly critical question - was he even interested in being set up? She responded with an immediate yes, to which I asked, "By his sister?" Again, a pretty clear yes. I'm not sure I would put so much faith into my brother's set up choices, but maybe that's just me. 

After yet more awkward pausing...because really, at some point, what do you say in this type of situation? I wrapped up the whole awkward mess with, "Well, if it doesn't work, we all have a good laugh and move on, right?" I mean, I'd still have to work with the woman. "Right, right," she said as she moved closer to the door. But she left with full intention of making sure we met the next time he came to town. I hope he's into younger women.

So, after that fun little story, my question to my general viewing audience (parents excluded, as I already know exactly what you think of the situation), what do you think? Is 40-42 too old for me? Could we possibly have anything in common? Will it be weird? Am I too much of a kid at heart (or even just in reality) to date someone so much older than me? I am interested in hear opinions. 


Oh, a quick rundown of what I know about this 40-something mystery man: loves people, has worked for hospice, has MBA, currently has stable career, is a writer and has a background in theater, knows how to dance, is a great cook, has built homes in several Central/South American countries, has worked at summer camps for kids who have lost family members to cancer, has recently adopted a rescue dog, has never been married, has no kids, has "good hair"... Now, all I need to know is if he loves the Lord, attends church, doesn't smoke, and happens to like younger women.

Resolutions...or should I say, Resolutions?

I've never been one to make New Year's resolutions so much. As everyone claims this to be the year they lose 20 pounds, stop fighting with their little siblings, save more money, read more books...I often ponder just how many days it will take these people to break their promises to themselves yet again, and slink into the month of February with a real sense of New Year's letdown. Yeah, no thanks. 

However, there is a bit of a conundrum here for me. I am typically a pretty goal-oriented person, so it doesn't make a lot of sense that I wouldn't make new goals for a new year. But goals seems a lot like resolutions, don't they? Perhaps there is a way to set a few resolutions without clinging to them so tightly that disappointment remains inevitable when we slip up. Well, without further ado, here are my goals, desires, and yes, resolutions, for 2011, for whatever they're worth.

I want to be more kind, genuinely kind. I feel that it has become far to easy to walk by someone, even someone I know well, and just say, "How's it going?" And without even waiting for a response, keep on walking. I think it's easy for me to get frustrated with people, show it on my face, and act on it in my attitudes. I don't want to be fake. I don't want a plastered smile. I want my heart to be genuinely kind and loving to others. I want people to see me and feel a great capacity for love pouring out of me. How does one go about working on this, I wonder? The only great love worth emulating is the love of God, so I know that I need to chase Him, follow by His example, learn about Him more, and love Him more. 

I want to be more intentional with my friendships. It is so easy for me to fall into a pool of self-pity when the phone doesn't ring with weekend plans every Friday evening, when friends choose to do things with other friends... But maybe the problem is that I am not making the phone ring on the other end of the line suggesting weekend plans, or setting up dinner parties, or asking friends to come over for just some quality couch time together. I have great friends. I love them. But I rarely make an attempt to show them this in a real way. Not only do I want to be intentional with my time with my friends, I want to intentionally pray for them. Why do we only pray for each other when we have a great need like a sick child or an uneasy job situation? I want to share in my friends' joys and sorrows, lifting them up in prayer constantly. I want to learn from my friends. I have so many wise friends. I want to be able to say that maybe my friends learned a thing or two from me, too. I want no topic left unturned this year with my friends. I want to have more than just the "Hey, how's it going?" style conversations. I want to meet needs of friends rather than expecting them to meet my needs all of the time. I want to give of myself to my friends. I want to be intentional. 

I want to grow a masterful garden. Okay, so this one is not nearly as holy of an endeavor at first glance...but I want to grow a big garden full of veggies and fresh things far too big for me so that I can share it with neighbors and friends. Then I want to cook and create delicious things in my kitchen and share those things with neighbors and friends. It will be a great adventure in hard work, dirty fingernails, and experiencing the joy of sharing. 

There are so many other things that I would love to see happen in 2011. Read more books. Save more money. Get to know my brother better. Climb to 14,000 feet again. Meet my husband. Laugh more. Try new foods. Experience daily adventures. Get into grad school. Exceed work goals. Exercise a little. Travel more. Enjoy my sun porch. Dress my age. Sing from my heart. 

Ready or not, 2011.

A Year in Reivew: 2010

Another year. Where does the time go? I know I say this every year, but the older I get, the faster the years seem to go. After vows to myself to not let time fly me in a blur, it once again, certainly has. But this year has not been without its enjoyments and excitements, which far outweigh the disappointments and troubles.

I'm working my way through my third year at UD this year, and come July 1, as has been custom the past two years, I will celebrate surviving the work. And this year, the celebration will be big because I will have made it to the typical burn-out mark with no real sign of slowing down. Now don't get me wrong. Survival has not been the exclusive mode of work for me, as I'm still finding myself in love with my work, students, and colleagues and still very much view the whole deal as my very purpose in life. The next few semesters may take a slightly different shape as I have resigned from all adjunct work for the foreseeable future. I have enjoyed my semesters in the classroom teaching a class on citizenship and vocation as well as a first-year reading and study skills course, but they have been time consuming and draining, and I'm happy for the break.

I haven't given it up in vain, however, as I have plans for all of my new found "free time". I'm currently working on my application to Edgewood College for their doctoral program in educational leadership. This is a decision that I've been working on for over a year now, and it has not been an easy one. I'll be sure to post my letter of intent for the program as soon as I have it complete because I think it best sums up the reasons I finally decided to apply.

In my non-work life, I spent some time dating a very nice man living in Germany. We were set up by a dear friend, and we had a very enjoyable three weekends together and something like four or five months on the phone and email doing the long-distance thing. We talked some of the long-term and even marriage, a first for me, and although it didn't work out in the end, I don't regret our time together. I learned a lot about myself and how I interact with others. I continue to pray diligently for my future husband, whoever and wherever he may be.

Probably the most exciting part of the past year was the amount of work God's been doing on my heart. I've written many posts about bitterness, grace, gratitude, forgiveness, love, patience...I've poured into books, the Bible, mentors, and I feel that for the first time in years, I have truly grown and matured. And although I still have struggles (see the previous post as the most recent blatant example), looking ahead, I feel content in the Lord. I know there's great plan that my life fits into, and I want more than anything else to glorify God by living into that plan to the best of my ability...serving with my gifts and talents, honoring those around me, and loving God and people. I can honestly look ahead and say that I'm ready for God to blow my mind with His plan which is far bigger than my imagination can even fathom. Yeah, that's definitely the most exciting part of this past year.

As I look ahead to 2011, I am excited to see what God brings...not only to my life, but the lives of family and friends around me. He is such an amazing God. Happy New Year everyone!

It's in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone. (Eph. 1:11, Msg)

Another Single Christmas

"So, Lindsey...what's going on with you? Are you dating anyone these days?" Kathy asked while a big group of us sat around the table. We'd all had a little to drink which seems to make everyone a little more honest. "No, I'm not dating anyone," I replied with a smile. "Well, what is up with that?" she asked, somewhat jokingly. "What is up with that?" I responded, quite a bit less jokingly. And that opened up the usual line of questioning about what type of guy I liked, what I was looking for in a man, if I was okay with being set up...

After the service in the fellowship hall of my parents' church, Tracy walked by with her new baby boy. A kindhearted old man walked up to my mother and asked, "And when exactly will you get to brag over your grandchildren?" I'm standing right here, I thought to myself as my mom politely laughed and said she was probably still a few years off. Yeah.

"Well, it's either you or you next," Aunt Joan said as we all gathered in the kitchen for Christmas. "For what?" I asked. "To get married. It's either you or your cousin Ryan...although your cousin Jordan has been dating the same guy for a while..." How could I have forgotten?

Going back home, especially for the holidays, seems to get a little tougher every year. The realization that, yes, I'm still single, and no I don't have any babies yet, gets more obvious for me and more astounding for everyone else as each year goes by. After twenty seven Christmases of me having no significant others coming home with me, you'd think it would be somewhat less surprising for people. I know everyone means well, but they forget that as long as the journey has seemed for them watching me live this predominantly single life, it has been eternally longer for me.

I hate to think of anything else but Jesus' birth around Christmas time. But it seems this year, as in the past few years, that others aren't going to make it easy for me as I'm forced to remember just how single and just how childless I am again and again. Sigh. There's always next year, right?

Undeserved Thanks

Lately I've been struggling with how to best use my gifts...or perhaps when and where to use them and when and where not to use them. It seems like a silly struggle, doesn't it? But this past semester at work, it has seemed that my gifts and abilities are in high demand. That's not to say I've overly gifted in every way...how laughable. No, it's just to say that there are a few particular gifts that I have (organization of massive amounts of tiny obnoxious details, for instance) that everyone seems to want or need a piece of for numerous projects and initiatives. 

Today, I got an email thank-you from a co-director of a committee I'm on, and it made me feel terrible. He thanked me for my generous sharing of my gifts for our project, but I have been anything but generous. In fact, I've been downright stingy. I've been crabby, impatient, stressed, and whiny. I've complained about not being paid or paid enough, and more than once I've touted that certainly I am the only one who could do what I did for the committee. 

And now, with kind words of thanks in front of me, I feel like a sleaze. How could I act like that to a group of people that asked for the use of my gifts and to whom I accepted the challenge? When I signed on, I felt like the group really needed me, and I, frankly, wanted to use my gifts for them and for the project, but now I nearly resent the opportunity. 

But where is the line? Where is the line between wanting to use my gifts and abilities and not wanting to be taken advantage of? Perhaps I'm a little jaded, knowing that as a single woman, I am probably taken advantage of with expectations that I'll just be there for evening and weekend activities... Those who know me well often ask why I don't just say no when asked to help with projects. And frankly, I don't know...probably because I struggle so much with knowing how much is too much, where to draw the line. I want people to know that my services are not on sale. I'm not the bargain basement of miscellaneous services. I have value, a high value in fact, that I feel is rarely represented monetarily. But on the flip side, I don't want to be stingy with my gifts and abilities. I want to share them where I should for God's purpose. 

So there you have it. A single undeserved thank-you note has sent my head spinning as to how in the world I'm supposed to negotiate and navigate my own gifts and abilities. Any suggestions on how to sort it all out?