Retention?

The background or origin of this story doesn't really matter, and I'm certainly not writing this to slander anyone's name or political ideals. But I do have a slight beef with the disturbing news that I have just received.

The long and the short of it is that collaboration between the three Dubuque colleges/universities has been discouraged. The reason? What if one of those other schools snags one of our students during the collaboration?

Well, what if they do?

Doesn't it seem that as a school, you'd want to step up and just be better than other schools, thus enticing those other schools' students to your own rather than just blocking any major interactions between the schools to prevent student stealing? I mean, if we're really worried about our students falling in love with the other schools, it seems to me that we are nervous that we, in fact, are not the better of the three schools, that perhaps we're lacking something that they have that may call our students to migration.

To me, this is a problem. I'm over here fighting and fighting to make students' experiences the very best they can be...with little support, little funding, and little resources. Where's everybody else? Are they fighting with me? Some days it certainly feels as though they are fighting against me. Well, those of us who are here fighting would love to stand up and say we are indeed the best, but it will take more than just the few of us. It will take all of us truly investing in our students' lives, experiences, and futures. It will take all of us working to improve the culture, environment, and temperament of campus. Without complete buy in from everyone, we are just like any other school...

If anyone from UD is reading this (which, I know there are only a few, if any), this is my rallying cry out to you - dig in to our students. Love them. Spend time with them. Work hard for them - harder than you think you should. Because without you, we simply cannot be the best. We will always be looking over our shoulder with paranoia wondering who might creep on to our campus and steal a student or two. But with you, we can put our worries to rest, knowing that this is where students want to be.

Stupid Human Nature

Stupid human nature. What is wrong with you? Why do you always feel the need to do what you're not supposed to do? To worship things you're not supposed to worship? To fight fights that shouldn't be fought? What is wrong with you?

Just about the time I'm settled into myself, you come knocking on the door... Hey, remember me? Yeah, I know you said you were good being single, but you and I both know you were just saying that. Oh, and those thoughts you thought you shook out of your brain that you knew you shouldn't be thinking, they weren't really that bad, were they? I'm just sayin'. Sigh. Stupid human nature.

Stupid human nature, I question your motives. It's like you're trying to bring me down. You are the one, aren't you, that whispers in my ear about things that I want to put to rest? Things like being alone, working too hard, judging people too harshly...I could go on and on, and you know that. You are against me. You are my enemy.

I want to fight you off, knock you out, yell and scream at you for being so stupid. But there's one little thing that stops me in my tracks today. You are me, and I am you. There's no separating us, no matter how hard I try. As long as I'm here on earth, you are too, and I can't get away from you. Sigh.

But there are a few things I know today, stupid human nature. A few things that you need to hear so there is no question as to where we stand. My God is bigger and more powerful than you. You can keep doing those stupid things that you do, but God is bigger than all of that. My God loves me even with you around. That's right. There's nothing you can do to take God's love away from me. He is without condition in His gift of love. Not even you can be a condition that effects God's love for me.

I will, undoubtedly, have to fight you all my life on earth. You will probably not ever stop whispering in my ear or doing all the stupid things that you do, stupid human nature, but there is a glorious forgiveness that rains down on me even when you are at your stupidest. We are forgiven, you and me. I am trying to wrap my head around how big and wonderful that is. You will probably never understand it.

Holy Father, thank You, thank You for loving me even with my stupid human nature that I am bound to in this life. Thank You for Your forgiveness, love, and blessings despite this stupid human nature weight I drag around. Will I ever understand how great You are?

A Little Foolin'

Since I arrived at the University of Dubuque nearly a year and a half ago (wow, a year and a half already?), I have been working hard to convince students that I'm a little older and wiser than I really am. There's just something about still being considered in the same generation as my students that bothers me slightly. I'm not sure if it's the perception of authority I like to think I've got when viewed as older and wiser or or if I feel like they just won't take me seriously if I'm not old enough to be an "adult." I just don't know.

But with the rapid approach of my one and only golden birthday (26 on the 26th), I realized yesterday, that in a few short years, I'll most likely be doing anything in my power to convince students that I'm actually younger than I am. You know...probably around the time I hit that big milestone...30. And what is up with that exactly? How can 26 seem so young, inexperienced, green, and 30 seem so old, mature, and wise?

For whatever it is, I guess I'm sticking with it. I've been working hard not to share that it's my golden birthday to students this week, letting them think I'm older and wiser than I am...and I will probably continue to do this for the next three years. And perhaps, after four years or so, I'll have to reevaluate and redefine what constitutes as old, wise, mature, and experienced...but for now, I'll stick to foolin'.

Oh, Yes. I Should Have.

Part of me says, No, you shouldn't have done that. You spent a whole night away from work. You still need to sort through that pile of paperwork. What about that quiz you promised your students tomorrow? But you know what? Yes, I should have. I should have taken the one night a week I get off at a normal time and used it for myself. And do you know what? It was exactly what I needed.

I spent tonight in the kitchen instead of at work. I grabbed that half bushel of apples that I had sitting on the counter and started cutting, boiling, mashing, and stirring. Seven little containers later, my heart was content that I had made enough applesauce for a few days. But tonight turned out to be about way more than apples. Tonight was about magic - the magic that my kitchen is capable of in my life.

Kitchens have always been central to life, as long as I can remember. It's where Grandma Konken and Aunt Myra and Mom prepared Sunday lunch and washed Sunday lunch dishes. It's where recipes were created and handed down. It's where glorious smells emanate conjuring memories from earliest recollection. It's where every party or gathering I can ever remember always ended up congregating. And it's where I find my nerves back at the end of a long day or week.

Tonight reminded me of all of that, and in made me smile - not just the I'm-smiling-on-the-inside type of smile, no - an actual contented grin. My kitchen is a disaster, with every square inch of everything covered in sticky apple goo, but I made applesauce, by myself, for the first time, just as my Grandma made so much of it for us grandkids for as long as I can remember.

Tonight also brought to mind images of the future - my daughters (or sons) and I gathered around the stew kettle smelling the rich smell of cooking apples, passing on the very recipes that my Mom and Grandma passed on to me...and not just applesauce. Pies, desserts, casseroles, cinnamon rolls, dinner feasts, Thanksgiving turkeys...

So, do I feel bad that I took off early from work, blew off a few responsibilities that I should have taken care of? For this experience? Certainly not. Because now my heart is full again, my energy is up again, and I'm ready to face whatever tomorrow throws at me.

Who knew a kitchen could do all of that?

Oh, October

It's months like October that really wear me out. Now, if you've read back through any of my fairly recent posts such as No Life...Well, Not Exactly or A Little Braggin', you know full well that I love to work, and I love my job. I love that it is exactly what I've been created to do with my life right now, but, quite honestly, there are limits to what a person can do. And October pushes me to my very limits.

I really struggle with life balance (clearly), but I struggle with this because it is a real internal battle for me. My head and heart wrestle with wanting to work because I've been entrusted with the work and it is good to do or taking a break because rest is a normal and required thing for human beings but knowing that in that rest the work will suffer or remain undone. And frankly, I feel sort of bad either way. I feel bad if I work too much because I know I'm wearing myself out and making myself less useful in the future, but I feel just as bad if I don't work as hard as I can and programs suffer and fall through the cracks.

I put a lot of pressure on myself to make sure that things are as good as I can possibly make them especially with the knowledge that some parts of campus culture are in rough shape right now. I know that if someone is going to fight for the lives and hearts of the students on this campus, it needs to be me. If I'm not, how can I convince anyone else to fight with me? How can I rally the forces if I'm lying on the couch?

But a part of me keeps thinking ahead. What will my life look like in a few years at this pace? Will I still be single or will I have found my love? Will I still work fourteen hour days, six day weeks or will there be help? Will I want something, some desire outside of this place or will my heart still lie squarely with the purpose I've been given today? I don't know. I don't know about any of it. But I do know that a normal family life someday will not be possible with the status quo.

It is at this point of the post that I have to inhale and exhale a deep sigh with the realization that I have not and probably will not resolve this internal battle tonight.

Despite all of this mind and heart wrestling that I find myself constantly in the midst of, I somehow still have a just a little peace. My peace lies in the fact that God is in control, whatever the situation may be, no matter how tired I get, how high the work piles. Does it make the month of October any easier? No. Frankly, I'm still pooped. But it makes it tolerable enough to fight through to keep on doing what I'm meant to do.

Do Anything

How many times can a heart get broken? How many times can it be picked up off the floor and sewn back together with stitches of hope? I sometimes wonder how many times I have left, as if there is some sort of countdown that I'm nearing the end of, but I am thankful that I was created with a heart after God's own heart - a strong heart that can heal again and again.
My job has become pretty much the definition of my life at this point. People are defined by all sorts of roles - mother, child, wife, student... Right now, I am defined by what I do, which is work to change lives in a setting that fosters change, growth, and the building up of young adults. And I will say, as I get started here, that I love the opportunity that I've been given. I love it. I have never looked at my role with disdain or disgrace. I am honored and joyful and humbled to be able to serve in the role I've been given. But it is an overwhelming responsibility most days. It's a responsibility that just seems too big to handle.

As silly as it seems, Greek life at UD has burdened me and broken my heart more than once this year. For most, it would seem a little silly because, whether a part of Greek culture or not in one's life, everyone has some sort of mental picture of what it all entails - parties, doing silly things, fee structures, uniformed colors and clothing... And sure, I would agree that it is most of those things. But it has the potential to be so much more. So much more.

Greek life, as I've come to know it over the past year and a half, is about lifelong relationships. It's about being a part of something that is bigger than yourself. It's about serving the community and the campus that you are a member of. It is about stretching personal boundaries, and growing, and changing, and learning, and leading. Or at least that's what it's set up to be.

I am constantly surprised by how little students are willing to acknowledge these facts, but more importantly, take advantage of them. Here is a system placed before you, free for the taking, that is asking you only to do great things with your life...not alone, but with others, in a unity that is rare to be found anywhere else. It is a system set up to give students power and authority to accomplish dreams and ambitions, to positively affect those around them, to build relationships, and to have fun while doing it all. But when students look at this feast that is set before them, for most, all they see is the hard work, effort, time, and commitment that is being asked of them, and instead of grasping it and enjoying it to the fullest, they are looking past it or around it to see if there's something a little less daunting. It's like being offered a giant platter of lobster but choosing to just drink the dipping butter in the cup beside it. The butter's a lot less work to take in even if it is much less rewarding or satisfying.

But possibly the most painful crack in my heart stems from the flat out rejection of a very clear offer that I have placed on the table before these students time and time again. The offer? DO ANYTHING. That's right. DO ANYTHING. You have the power, the authority, and the very opportunity to do whatever you want. Anarchy, you say? Certainly this is not what I, the avid planner and organizer of a thousand details, intend. I simply mean that if you want something, you need to be willing to fight for it, be committed to the cause, to work toward it, and to accomplish it. Push the limits of what you think you can do. Test the waters and the rules and systems set up around you. No one is saying that it's all set in stone. Maybe you have a better way. Show me. Maybe you have a bigger plan. Prove it. Get organized, get focused, and hit the ground running doing things you never thought were even possible because they are.

But most of this offer gets pushed aside, and apathetic students filter into classrooms and out of classrooms, into meetings and planning sessions and out of them, giving little thought to the power and authority and potential they are leaving behind. Did you hear it? Another crack in the walls of my already broken heart.

Please don't give up the chance to do something great. Please don't ignore the call of your heart to something greater and bigger and more important than yourself. Seize potential and knock down anything in your way. All the work is worth it. All the fight is for something. It's not in vain. Is anybody listening? Did anyone hear my plea? I won't give up either, you know. I won't just let my argument die because even with a broken heart, I know first hand that it is worth it. I have dreamed, reached, fought, grew, learned, lead, served...and I will not stop. Even one life changed makes it all worth it for me.

So, I guess I pick up the broken pieces of my shattered heart one more time. I sew it back together with a little hope that I have indeed made a difference, that someone has indeed heard me, and that I will indeed change the world. My heart will mend, and most assuredly be broken again. But it will never cease to be worth it.

Letting Go

This past week was a true testament of how far I've come since the first year of my job at UD. Homecoming came about last week, and although I was relatively ready for all of the activities and events that were to ensue, I certainly didn't expect what would happen.

I got sick.

It seems silly. Most people can get sick and just leave work, but for so much of what I do, I'm the only one with the play book, the only one with the notes or descriptions of what should happen. That's not to toot my own horn, but rather just to say that I work generally solo in my one-man-department.

Monday I was so sick, I didn't really care about what was supposed to happen for activities. I tried to get into work and get a few things done, but after two short hours, I was zapped. Tuesday, I didn't get in at all. Wednesday I made it in for a few hours. I was miserable, uncomfortable, and hungry. I wasn't ever really sure if I was going to make it to any events all week long. How terrible. One of the biggest weeks of my work-life, and I'm not there? How could this happen?

Well, in all of this, I realized how much I've learned about letting go of things. I had to let go of this week, like it or not, in order to heal. I had two choices when it came down to it: freak out and stress about it or just plain let it go. And, against my very nature, I chose to let go. And thank God! What a good choice! I can't control when I get sick or how long I am out, but I can control how I react.

Letting go, I think, shows growth, maturity, and experience. I feel blessed to be able to gain this valuable experience in my job. It has really changed me for the better, shaping me into the person God has created me to be. So, although this week as difficult, I'm glad to have gone through this week just as I have, sickness and all. It reminds me that God is good. So good.

A Free Slave

Can one be free and be a slave at the same time? Intuitively, you want to answer no. I want to answer no, too, but I'm learning that perhaps, as a Christian, they go hand in hand.

What does it mean to be a slave? It is something along the lines of surrendering your own will, desires, and intentions to another. And, as Christians, isn't that what we're called to do? We're told to die to ourselves, to surrender our wills to God's, to lay down those things that hold us back or drive us away from God. We're asked to willingly become slaves of our Creator.

And somehow, paradoxically, in the very same moment that we become enslaved, we are simultaneously freed. How can this be? We give up our own will only to be given something that is full, and open, and free, and wonderful. We are given rules and the Law, but these do not bind us into a tight, confined space. These rules are not meant to oppress. We are handed rules from a loving Father, just as our earthly fathers give us when we're young, so that we can learn and grow. And when we can be trusted with these rules, we are allowed more freedom. Just as parents trust children to be alone in the house, stay out later, and travel farther as they prove trust, so God gives us more freedom as we prove our trustworthiness with what has been given us.

It is a circle, it seems. You must be a slave to be free. You must be trusted with little before you can be trusted with much. How glorious and complex our God is, and I am overjoyed to be His free slave and so grateful to be trusted.

Can't Win

Don't think I didn't feel you hovering over me with a smug grin on your face last night. You thought you were winning, and for a moment in time, you had me convinced you were. But this morning, when I woke up, it was I with the smug grin, because in that moment, I knew you had been defeated.

You see, last night, when that comedian took the stage, and started ranting and raving over all the usual things that comedians rant and rave over (drugs, sex, alcohol, women, race, social class), I was furious. How dare you walk on in here and express yourself so blatantly. But it wasn't very long before I heard the self-proclaimed funny man say, "Ooh, you guys are touchy," and "Does it bother you when I tell icky jokes or swear? Okay, I'll go back to the PG stuff." Why would he backtrack like that? See, that's where you started to lose control, where your grasp wasn't quite as tight, because not everyone in the room revelled in the filth that you were handing them. Not everyone laughed or smirked or chuckled like you thought they should. No, not this time. Did you sense how unimpressed some of the people in the room were? Did you sense their disappointment? Did you feel mine?

So now, I'm not asking politely, not suggesting or encouraging, no, I'm flat out commanding that you get out of here. Slink away in embarrassment with your tail between your legs because you know full well you cannot win here. You're powerless. And don't bother coming back to fight again because the same result will be before you. You'll always be handed your defeat.

God holds this place, Satan, not you. And there are prayers going up all over the place. It is sacred ground with a set-aside people, and try as you may, you cannot beat us, win us over, or trick us in the least. So, get back. Get out of the way. And know that God's team always wins.

Human Connection

I've been thinking a lot lately about the idea of human connections. Each of us has a heart that desires human connection. We've been giving that heart from God who also desires a connection with us. For some, making connections is easy, even natural. They're either involved in everything, are social butterflies, or just know how to reach out to the close few in their lives. For others, connection is a longing that can't seem to be quenched or fulfilled as they strive to meet others or be involved but feel out of their element or uncomfortable.

What creates a "good" connection? What makes it last? Undoubtedly there is a good deal of work involved - effort to maintain connection, dig deeper in conversation, become more vulnerable and open while establishing trust. Work indeed. And a certain amount of chemistry is probably also required. There's only so much connection that can be made over common interests or small talk alone. And the ability to evolve through time, flex and change as each person does the same.

What happens when a connection goes "bad"? Can people change too much to maintain a connection? Can one person or the other give up or stop putting in effort? Sure. Does God remove connections in our lives similarly to when He provides them to us? But what else? Is there more?

I have to imagine that the longing we have in our hearts for true, real, meaningful connection, connection that is honest and open, is perhaps the longing that God feels when we turn away from Him. We were, after all, made in the image of God, a reflection of Him.

I know my life is not lacking in connections - I have friends that I see on a fairly regular basis, I make new connections pretty well, I have mentors and colleagues that I communicate with, and I have a close family network. But my heart still yearns for deep and lasting connections, connections with friends that I've lost touch with or new connections. It is, most likely, for sheer lack of effort that I've been left longing, but a part of me can't help but wonder about the chemistry. God appoints people to our lives sometimes, and sometimes exactly when we need them, but is there a time when God does not provide those connections or allows us to live without them for a time?

Either way, I have a desire for connections, for accountablility, for someone of like mind and heart, for someone to be vulnerable and real with without judgements. I'm praying for what that looks like for me and for those that I may connect with, for guidance of how to establish connections and for a bravery to step out and take action with the faith that God will provide what is best for me.

I was left wondering--what are your dreams?

With all of the recent talk of dreaming big, thanks to the carefully selected New Student Orientation theme, I was asked today, What are your dreams, Lindsey? Dreams. Where do I start?

Once upon a time, I had a set of dreams all my own, dreams I thought I wanted with every fiber of my being. I had dreams to move to a big city, make lots of money, work as a successful engineer...I gripped these dreams so tightly that I had eyes and ears for nothing else in the world. I wrestled with these dreams because there seemed to be roadblocks put up every step of the way. My life began to fall apart around me, but I continued to pursue the narrow dreams that my head had concocted, blind to the trouble that I was creating.

It wasn't until the moment that I completely let go of all these dreams that I thought were best for me that I realized what true dreaming was. You see, it's when you let go of your own life, the plans, achievements, goals, and yes, even dreams that you desire for yourself, that God's will and purpose for your life can truly begin to take shape within you. It was the moment my fists released from their white-knuckled grip that my life began to move away from me and toward God's glorious plan. We have to do this, this letting go, this dying to self - it's the only way to get closer to God. Galatians 2:20 is one of several references that the Bible gives us into this idea.

But then, what did my dreams become? After letting go, my heart was free to accept the dreams that God has had for me since the very beginning of time. And what are those dreams, you're still wondering? My dreams became so much more than I ever could have imagined for myself.

I now dream of changing the world. Crazy, right? Not crazy with God. I dream of fulfilling my purpose for His glory and honor, my purpose to build relationships and open doors with people, especially younger people, to infuse passion and love and care into their lives... And how will I achieve my dreams? I'm not sure. How will I know that I've "arrived" at my dreams? I surely don't know. And what am I doing to work toward my dreams now? Mainly living in God's love, letting go of my own dreams daily, and following where I am led. To some, this may seem ridiculous. There's no master plan involved on my part, no planning at all, really. But to me, it's become natural.

I've been hardwired to dream big dreams of changing the world, changing lives, guiding people to that same moment of letting go that I found once upon a time. It's my dream to do this as long as I can with as much passion as I can. I know that God will change the world through my life, and that is the direction in which I aim my heart, knowing that if God is with me, no one can be against me.

Now that you know mine, tell me, what are your dreams?

Song of Reflection for the Evening

Tonight, this song popped into my head out of nowhere. It is absolutely how I am feeling right now in life. I can't get away. And I never want to. Praise God for how good He is!

(Listen to this fabulous tune here)

I am an arrow, I am a rocket.
I am a river, and nothing can stop it.
'Cause You are the target, and You are the atmosphere.
You are the ocean that keeps pulling me, You're pulling me here.

And I, can't get away, can't get away.
Can't get away, can't get away.
I can't get away, can't get away...
I keep running into You

I am a beggar, You are the table.
I am so helpless, God You are so able.
And when I get turned around, You change my direction.

You're so perfect, I'm so broken,
Here You come with arms wide open,
Chasing after me down every road,
You're always waiting there.

Even when I close my eyes, I can't help but see
There's no place that I can hide,
You're such a part of me, I can't get away 'cause I keep running into You
I can't get away...

Can't Get Away ~ Rush of Fools

No Life...Well, Not Exactly

Well, it's happened again. I'm sitting in my office at 8:17 pm, tinkering at my desk. To most, this would appear to be equivalent to having no life, but there's something I've discovered recently. Right now, my work is my life. And that's not a bad thing.

Think about it. I have realized that I have a calling, a defined purpose, that I know is to be doing what I do, working with students, sharing with them the love of God. This is not just a career, not even close. It's life-work. It's something that I am destined to do for the will of God.

So, although I joke about having no life outside of work, the truth is that I wouldn't really want it any other way. I want to keep on working for the Kingdom, fighting for what's right, pressing on toward bigger and better things for my students and the staff and faculty that I see as family now, never accepting anything but the very best to offer up to God. Why would I ever need anything more? Desire anything more?

God has blessed me greatly by providing me the heart-knowledge of my very purpose in life, something that many never get to experience in life. I will pursue this passion that is born in me as hard as I can because I am blessed to be able to do so. I offer this gift up to God today, today and always, with a joyful and overflowing heart.

A Little Braggin'

I need to spend a moment braggin' on my God tonight.

I have seen the hands of God reaching down to the University of Dubuque in real and amazing ways over the past few weeks, and I have no choice but to praise. I have seen students' lives changing. I have seen programs evolving and improving. I have seen gaps closing between departments and individuals. Incredible feats, indeed.

Over the past few weeks, I've had the pleasure of participating in the new Summer Bridge Program for students that do not meet our admission requirements but may show some academic promise. Typically, these students have below a 17 ACT score. Nearly one-third of our freshman class has come in this year under this program. I assisted with the out-of-class experiences, and in a few short days, I developed a theory of why this program is successful: relationships and resources. Through a combination of class and resource experiences and social and community-building experiences, we're preparing students for college success. There's no proof that this program will actually be completely successful, but you can already see and feel the changes that God has placed in some of these students' lives as He aligns their lives with their defined purpose. I am thrilled and completely excited to see what God has in store for these students, because for some of them, it will be great things.

I have also been blessed with a few new relationships through this program and it's director, Marta. She is an inspirational woman that reminds me why I'm here - to change people's lives with God's love. I hope to learn much from her, and I thank God for bringing her into my life.

And then there's New Student Orientation. This four-day program has become nothing short of miraculous for some. This program, which is, in essence, completely left to me to plan and implement, is one of the biggest responsibilities I have throughout the year. This is the one chance we as a University community have to acclimate students to campus, provide them with lasting connections and a sense of community, and provide easily accessible resources to them before they need them. Terrifying. But it is also a chance to grow and encourage thirty student leaders to become life changers and moral, upright, courageous leaders. And this, for me, is where the real miracle lies.

I have watched God move in the hearts of more than one student leader over the past few weeks and months in ways that I can't explain. Students have changed majors, shifted career paths, had changes of heart, and have stood up for their beliefs and values with conviction. They have impacted new and impressionable students positively. They're preparing for their purpose in life, whether or not they know that's what they are doing. They are preparing for a mission that is so much bigger than themselves. And that's God. God did that.

I have welled up with pride in these students on more than one occasion, not for the work that my hands have done in their lives, because my hands and works have nothing to do with it, but because of what the Almighty God has done working through me and my work. What a blessing and a joy to be doing the work of God every day, changing lives has He orchestrates.

And although this road has not been the easiest or safest or surest route, it has been the road designated just for me. Although it has been hard, it's been good, oh so good. How can I ever give thanks to God enough for the wonders of His never ending love? And how will I ever stop bragging about my wonderful God?

Waxed

Only at UD do things like this happen.

I have been asking for the last six months for a little job to be done in my office that would take about a half an hour to complete by Maintenance but would allow me to do a million other projects, and it still sits undone. However, today, upon discovering that there was a sizable smudge on the freshly waxed floors immediately outside my office door, they decided to sand, scrub, and re-wax the floor without even notifying me. I left for lunch having to walk over damp, recently mopped floors, and when I returned an hour later, the entire floor my office is on was locked (with my keys inside) with a sign that said "WET WAX. DO NOT ENTER."

Really? Really, maintenance staff? You waxed the only entrance to my office in the hour that I was gone, requiring me to either sit outside my office for the rest of the day, go home, or break in to the floor and tip toe across the shiny surface in order to get some work done. I chose the latter because there are things to be done. But I'm sure I'll hear about it tomorrow morning.

Only at UD...

The Best Granola Ever

There seems to be some buzz about my granola lately, so I suppose I'll share my recipe, although if I was smart, I'd sell the rights to it or sell the product itself. I could make a killing. In fact, I may just do that...but not for you guys. You, the faithful few readers, you get it for free. :)

Best Granola Ever

Dry Ingredients:
5 cups old fashioned oats (not the quick cooking kind)
2 cups almonds (I use natural, no salt, whole almonds)
1/2 cup sunflower seeds (again, natural, no salt, shelled seeds)
1/2 cup pumpkin seeds (same deal)
3/4 cup light brown sugar
2 tsp. cinnamon
1 tsp. ground ginger
1 tsp. nutmeg
a sprinkle of ground cloves (a little goes a long way)

Wet Ingredients:
1/2 cup unsweetened apple sauce
1/4 cup honey
1/4 cup maple syrup
1 Tbsp. Karo syrup

Later Additions:
1/3 cup raisins
1/3 cup golden raisins
1/3 cup dried cranberries

Directions:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Mix all dry ingredients in a large bowl. In a separate small bowl, mix all wet ingredients. Slowly add wet mixture to dry mixture, stirring well until all is evenly mixed.

Grease two or three 9x13 or larger cake pans. Spread mixture evenly in a thin layer in each pan. Bake at 350 for 45 minutes, stirring every 10 minutes and rotating the pans in the oven. Note: I stop the timer when I take the pans out and stir and switch around the pans, so total time for baking may end up longer than 45 minutes. Watch granola closely during the last 5-10 minutes as it can go from beautifully golden to burnt very quickly.

When granola is perfectly golden, remove from oven and allow to cool in pans. Continue stirring every 10 minutes or so to keep it from clumping into one huge bar. Once cool, add the dried fruit. Store in air tight baggies or containers.

Feel free to add different combinations of seeds, grains, nuts, and fruits (dried apples are good, dried tropical fruits could be interesting...) to make your granola your own.

Enjoy!

14,000 Feet

Althought it's been a few weeks since my trip, I wanted to take a moment and chronical the journey, mainly so I could look back someday and smile.

Dad and I took our first he-and-I vacation this summer to the wild west of Colorado. The goal: climb as many 14,000-foot mountains as we could in four days. We took off early on Saturday, July 11th and drove the whole way in a day to our destination of Dillon, Colorado.

Once there, we debated climbing a smaller peak on day one or head straight for the big guns. Of course, we decided to do a 14er on the first day. Mt. Sherman would be our first climb. It's known to the 14er circles as one of the easiest 14ers in Colorado, so we figured we could tackle it. As it turns out, "easy" is a relative term. I thought it was a tough climb, but it was my own fault after all. I was too darn lazy to train for the trip, and some last minute planning left me with little time to train anyway. My scrawny legs struggled to propel my body up the mountain, but luckily, my will and ambition were just slightly stronger than my muscles, and we made the summit in a matter of hours.

The second day, we tackled Quandary Peak. This was a tricky one because all of the trail guides we had read listed it as a Class 1, which signifies that the path should be clear, safe, and "easy". There's that word again. Quandary was a constant slope, almost never leveling out anywhere. And it was long - over six miles round trip. Imagine, if you will, walking up a ramp, at about a 45 degree angle, for over three miles - that's Quandary Peak. My calves were so sore, I didn't know what to do with myself on the way up, and on the way down, our knees where crying equally as loud. Even though it was long and tough, it was pretty darn fun. We encountered several mountain goats on our way up that seemed to want to play or eat or something that was much too close for comfort. We did get caught it a bit of a rain storm on the way down, but it wasn't too bad - just rain, no hail.

On day three, we were ready to tackle a behemouth of a mountain hike - the DeCaLiBron - four peaks, all at 14,000 feet or higher. We arrived at the trailhead at some terrible hour (left the hotel at 4:00 am), and hit the trail with some nice folks from Texas unintentionally. The first peak was tough, steep and rocky, with the occasional complete lack of any trail at all. The peak was celebrated with all at the top, then we headed down the saddle to peak two. On top of peak two, the wind picked up like nothing I had ever seen. It was constant, steady, freezing, and somewhere in the realm of 40 miles per hour or so. But we powered on to peak three. By now, we were pretty sure we were nuts, but we had no other option but to finish up the run with the forth peak...which we promptly followed with a wrong turn and an abandoned extremely steep path down to the bottom. But hey, it makes for a cool story, right? :)

After that, we talked about doing Grays and Torreys, two notoriously tough peaks that my parents tackled half of last year. But, being the wimp that I am, I just couldn't make my legs climb any more.

Climbing 14ers isn't like just climbing any old mountain path. It's like joining an elite club. On the way up, you encourage people you pass, or more than likely, they encourage you as they pass you. When you show up at the summit, people cheer (seriously), and sometimes you get random high-fives and such. You swap stories of summit experiences (heard about a blizzard in July, a helicopter ride after a broken foot, and so many others). And the first question you hear is typically, "How many have you done?".

I rather enjoy the 14er club, and I am very excited for future trips into rougher territory, climbing steeper and longer trails. But next time, I'll be in better shape...at least my calves hope so. :)

Oh Dear

Several of you have already heard this story, but I usually feel better after writing about things, so thus...

Last week at church, I was approached by a man I had met before and talked with a few times. He always used to ask me if I had a boyfriend or if I was planning to get married someday, just, I thought as to give me a bit of a hard time. I would laugh and reply that I did not, and that I wasn't in a hurry. His wife would roll her eyes. But I digress.

He approached me and shook my hand, asked me how things were going. I replied politely, and went to walk away when he started to say, "You know, Lindsey, I wasn't going to come to church today. I had a lot of other things to do, but I decided to come because God told me I should talk with you..." Well then. So, I smiled and continued to politely carry on conversation. The next thing he said when I asked him how things were going was, "Well, I'm not married anymore," while pointing to his ring finger.

Red flag number one. I knew where this was headed.

He went on to tell me about his "other family" from his first wife and his older kids (in their 20s).

Red flag number two. This one was a surprise...not where I thought things were headed.

He went on still to say that he wanted to get to know me and that sometime we should go for a walk or meet for lunch if time allowed.

Red flag number three...ah, this is the direction I anticipated. But, I'm running out of red flags by this time. I was barely speaking at all...just attempting to become invisible right in front of him.

Then he asked for my email address. And for some reason, I gave it to him. Why did I do that?

Twenty minutes later, I was finally free, but my creep-o-meter was off the charts. And then of course there was the little display of affection in the parking lot where this man proceeded to honk his horn and yell goodbye out the window of his car. And to wrap it up, there was the expected email a few hours later asking for my phone number...which I did not share.

Now, all of that seems pretty tame really. I mean, that's all that happened. But those red flags, for some reason, are stuck on alert mode. I couldn't even look at him this week in church. I hid out until he was gone, hoping and praying that he wouldn't come talk to me. He didn't.

Do I have a sign on my back that says, "I love awkward social situations and am available to ridiculously incompatible people only."?

I wanted so badly to just stand up for myself and say, "You know what? I'm not sure what gave you the idea that I was interested in any sort of relationship at all, but I'm not. So please go away." I mean, that would have done the trick. But I just kept thinking, "Christian love. Christian love. Treat him like a brother. You wouldn't want to be shot down if this was you. Christian love." But I think that those lines get blurred and confused between women and men sometimes. My "Christian love" efforts apparently sometimes get misconstrued into romantic feelings or interest or actions in a man's mind.

Well, the moral of the story is that I'm still insanely uncomfortable for whatever reason. But luckily, I have a wonderful church family that are watching out for me. I am so thankful for that. A few weeks away from church will feel pretty good, I think, and hopefully realign my focus away from this situation and back on God...and on other important things...things like mountain top hikes to 14,000 feet. Pray for my peace of mind in the mean time.

A (Gainfully Employed) Year in Review

Yesterday was my one-year anniversary of being employed at the University of Dubuque, so I thought it would be fitting to spend some time this morning looking over my blog entries from a year ago. Turns out, they're great for a laugh. Check out July and August 2008 archives to re-enjoy them as I have (be sure to read from bottom to top).

God has been so good in this last year. Not only has He brought me to the place that He wants me to be, He's molded me and changed me for the better, equipping me for even better use by Him. When I started this job, I was, in a word, overwhelmed...overwhelmed with life, coming at me from all angles, with everything it had tho throw at me. I was a full time grad student and full time rookie employee, all the while fighting to be a good girlfriend, good friend, good daughter, and all around good person...many of which I was really no good at at all for a time. I was high strung, wound too tight, eating too little, and fighting too hard to make all the spinning plates stay atop their respective posts. But that was only for a season.

I can't quite identify the moment it happened, but I was changed completely. I learned what true reliance on God felt like, and why it is so extremely crucial to my survival in this world. And my whole personality has been altered for the better as one who now strives for calm, peaceful moments.

All of this, I've poured out to you before here, so I won't draw on about that for too much longer...

Over the past year:

• I have attended forty plus concerts, comedians, hypnotists, or entertainers.
• I have been on seven or so trips with students, one of which was an overnight trip to a conference, and several of which were on filled charter buses.
• I managed to come out ahead in all of my department budgets while effectively spending a few hundred thousand dollars.
• I ran a New Student Orientation program, a Homecoming Week (completely with parade), and a Spring Fling Week all for the first time, and all without major incident.
• I somehow convinced campus to let me move my office to a primo location in the Student Union (at least we're making progress on that front still).
• I have made (or at least I think I have made) no enemies across campus.
• I have given Ramen noodles away as a game show prize.
• I've been bowling three times, played mini golf once, was a game show judge once on accident, gone out to eat numerous times, and build dance decorations all as part of my job.
• I started several new initiatives while leaving a few others behind.
• I have learned about politics and played the game, if I do say so myself, pretty darn well.
• I have made an impact while remaining completely true to myself and my faith.
• I've laughed more than I've cried.

And with all that in one year, who can ask for more? Alright, it's back to work for me. Of all the things I have mastered this year, staying on top of my voicemails is not one of them...I guess that's what I'll be doing the rest of today.

The Idea of a Prayer Journal

I've been thinking about this for a while now. I've been trying to come up with the best way to go about it.... a prayer journal.

The idea sounds great. A prayer journal would provide me a way to keep track of all those people that I tell, I'm praying for you. It would even be a way to look back and see the real results of prayer, a view of how God is answering prayer, not only in my life, but the lives of those around me.

But the execution of it seem pretty overwhelming. Just to think of all the times in a week that I say, I'm praying for you...what does that look like in a journal? Does it look like the same things on every page for weeks? Or does it require me to look back and pray over all those different things until I know prayers have been answered?

Probably the most overwhelming thing about a prayer journal would be the fact that it may actually keep me accountable for all those, I'm praying for you's that I throw out there. It takes away the excuse to pray for someone or something just quick once or twice. A journal would actually make me spend some serious time in prayer, more than once, more than just quick.

And honestly, maybe that's what's missing in my walk with God right now - some serious accountablity in our relationship. The circumstances of my life right now have not permitted me to have a ton of accountability to others, although this is something that I am striving for, but that is no reason to lack accountability for myself.

So, overwhelming or not, I think that a prayer journal is good thing for me, something that will hopefully deepen my prayer life, focus me in, and realign my heart with God.

If you keep a prayer journal and happen to be reading along, feel free to leave me a comment on what you've done and how it's been working in your life.

Unwound

I love who I'm becoming. It may sound silly just to throw that out there like that, but it is so true. I never imagined that God would bring me to this point. A little less than a year ago, I embarked a new adventure that I felt led to with absolutely no idea where it would take me. But through the ups and downs that I'm sure I've talked about before, I have been transformed, a transformation that I can feel and see and enjoy (and hopefully others can, too).

I have unwound. Once upon a time I was wound so tight, you could have sworn I was a yo-yo or or a lawn mower with a pull-string starter. Wind me up and watch me go. I was a reckless force on a self-destructive path of perfection seeking, stress, and pent-up anxiety over all sorts of things. Now, although the occasional unjust moment can crank me tight for a few seconds, I am able to lay back and enjoy life in its imperfect messiness. And that's okay.

It's not that I'm no longer striving to do my best work or work as hard as I can; it's not that I've become lazy or nonchalant about life and my surroundings; it's just that...well, I can't even really put a finger on what it is... It just feels like once I was constricted and wound tight about everything, as if forced to run a race with a fifty foot rope tying my arms to my sides, and now that rope has fallen off and my arms are free...or sort of like I was free-falling from an airplane in a frantic effort to find my chute...and finally I found the pull and the chute deployed... I don't know...it's just a huge burden that I didn't even know I had has been removed from my shoulders. Blessing!

The best part of this transformation is that it was not something that I asked for specifically in prayer. It came because God knows me better than I know myself. How good it is to have such a caring God. And you know what? Even if no one else has or will ever notice my transformation, I know, and that's what's important. Whether evident to the outside world or not, I'm free.

I love who I'm becoming.

The Worst Thing

This is some perspective gained from little moments with close friends.

What's the worst thing that could happen? What's the worst thing that could happen if you didn't get the laundry switched, the email checked, or that one last thing bought? It could be that if you don't check your email, you'll miss a note about a meeting, miss the meeting, fail to complete the project at the meeting, get fired, lose your house and all your things, and end up homeless on the streets. Or, perhaps, you could just check your email tomorrow.

Once upon a time, I used to be crazy. I would fly around trying to get every last detail arranged, trying to be ahead of schedule, tyring to make sure it was all just so. And although that ghost occasionally slips out of the closet, I find that that's a pretty rough approach to life. (Refer to post archives about the "lost years" for more information on that topic.)

Will I really end up homeless on the streets if I don't complete my to-do list today? Will the world come to an end if a detail slips my mind? Certainly this is not the case. Does this give me an excuse to be lazy and non-determined in my work? Absolutely not. This simply gives me permission to not always have to be all things to all people. It gives me the go-ahead to make a mistake or two. It allows me to end my day when the day is done, not when my list is done.

Life can get chaotic. It's true. Things tend to pile up all at once, and it can feel pretty overwhelming. But that's the time when we need this perspective the most. We need to hold on tight knowing that much of the list is bound to be left until tomorrow and knowing that it will, eventually, get better. And that's okay.

After all, what's the worst thing that could happen?

Killing Myself

No, it's not what you think. I have absolutely zero suicidal tendencies, and the thought has honestly never come close to crossing my mind. But apparently, I'm still working on killing myself.

I went to the doctor about a month ago...a new doctor....for the annual womanly check up. And everything went really well, except for this one little thing. Previous doctors had always commented on this one little thing, but no one had ever stopped to me to say they were worried about it: high blood pressure. It seems so insignificant really. The words "high blood pressure" aren't particularly frightening...not like "heart attack" or "cancer," so I've always just played it off. Oh, it's always been that high...probably nothing to worry about.

But this new doctor stopped me in my tracks last month. She suggested a change that I could make that was pretty small and would save me some money by getting off a perscription that I actually didn't really need anymore. She said that that would probably fix it, told me to come back in a month, and we'd talk more then.

Today was a month later, and as promised I swung in over lunch and got my reading taking. Again, it was the same sort of hypertentious high as it had been before. I wasn't even scheduled to see the doctor, just a nurse, but sure enough, the doctor wanted to see me. She came in with a crumpled up face and told me she wasn't very happy with me. "This is not good," was repeated more than once.

After more talking, it pretty much came down to: figure out how to eat better and live better because right now you're killing yourself (maybe in not so many words...), and come back in a month.

Let's face the facts here. I live my life like an obese person. I know that. I eat bad for me foods including primarily pre-packaged, chemically treated, frozen, boxed, cupped, or otherwise instant food varieties because it's faster and easier than making real foods. I don't work out enough (sometimes not at all). And I don't give much regard to anything healthy. Did I just eat half that brick of cream cheese by myself? Wow, the whole frozen pizza is gone. How many cookies until it's considered gluttonous? But with this new ultimatum: eat health or risk an early death, it has me once again rethinking things.

I can't imagine what weight news like cancer or disease would carry after hearing this little, seemingly insignificant news of hypertention. I feel completely paranoid today, considering everything that I put in my mouth as a possible poison that will lead to my ever-shortening lifespan. Will I have a heart attack when my grandkids are too young to remember me?

So, I have to find a way out. I have to seek out a solution. Food shouldn't be that hard. It becomes eating to live a good and healthy life not just eating to satisfy me right now. This will not be an easy road to travel. I will, undoubtedly break down and want to eat that large pizza or every cookie in the package, but I will...I must try something new. Pray for me on this journey, because no one knows better that I just how weak I am. Cheers to a new lifestyle! Who wants to come with me?

A Place to Call Home

It has been a bit since my last update, but mainly because so much has been going on. It's hard to keep up, but regardless of the hustle-bustle of it all, I can't say it's not good.

In the last few months, I have been pressing hard to complete grad school, and the light is peeking up upon the horizon. This weekend I'll be packing my bags and jetting across the country to Seattle for a conference and to meet my class for the very first time. It seems funny, as these have been the people I've been chatting and learning with for the past two years of life. I told the class once that they were all like those obscure relatives that live far away. You never talk to them much, but you know they're still family. And because of that fact, you still like 'em. Same deal here. Most of us have never met, but we're all pretty excited to get together. I'm traveling with a travel buddy that I won't meet until travels begin. But it should be a great time. There are only 74 days until commencement, and less than that to get projects done, but who's counting?

In the last week, I ended one of the most frustrating endeavors of my life by finding a house...not just any house, but my house. And it is lovely. There is some work to be done, but it will be my work (ok, and my family's). Expect many backyard barbeques at Lindsey's this summer.

It was amazing that God revealed Himself to me the way He did in this whole time of searching. There were a few times throughout the search that I found it difficult to trust God to provide for me. How does that happen? How do we struggle to trust in the One who has never let us down? Not only did I find a home that is more than I need, but I also (all in one day, mind you) found a source of furniture to furnish the rooms that would have otherwise remained empty, and found money to pay for things I didn't think I could afford, in the form of an unexpected tax refund. So, as all of this was discovered on Saturday, I was overwhelmed with the fact that I should never waver in my trust in the Lord. He is the one thing in life that has never once left me alone. God is so good!

It should be a crazy next few weeks with a trip, a wedding to sing in, a whole apartment to pack, and a move to make. Crazy, but oh so good.

I'd like to leave you with a quote from a great woman from my church. She is so wise. "Finding a house is like giving birth. You won't ever remember the painful part." And perhaps she is right.

Moonbeams

Tonight, while driving my long commute home, I couldn't help but be enamored with the brilliance of the moon shining through the quickly passing clouds. The bluish silver hue that was cast upon the melting snow and filling streams was like nothing I had seen.

Prior to the moment I realized the moon was out and shining brightly, there were thousands of thoughts running through my head, nearly trampling over themselves trying to get out of my cluttered brain. Why are students so crabby? What new things can I do to generate excitement on campus? I need to do this...finish that...Did I lock my office? Voicemail...email...ugh, you didn't check your mailbox. Dirty lunch dishes...Did I water the plants? I'm so sick...should I stay home tomorrow?

But in a single moment, all of the clutter faded into the background. My mind grew hushed. The beauty of the moonbeams flooded every inch of thought and feeling. And after a few moments of just peace, a single thought came to my mind. I want to be like the moon. The moon doesn't create its own light. It doesn't shine on its own. It's merely just a rock in the sky, circling the earth. But it reflects the sun's light from a vast distance and provides a glow that is unmissable. And that is exactly what I want in my life. I want to reflect the Son's brilliance through my very own moonbeams. I want to be unmissable, not because of my own beauty. Because the moon without the sun, after all, is just a rock in the sky. I without my Jesus am just a empty dull being, purposeless and unnoticeable. But with the Son's light reflecting through me, I am given my purpose, my beauty, my unmistakable glow.

I pray that I can be a moonbeam to the earth, reflecting Your very beauty, Your loveliness to Your creation. Without Your shine, I cannot glow, not even a flicker of light will shine from me. With Your light, let me beam Your presence to all who are near.

Enthusiasm

I find people often commenting about my abounding energy and enthusiasm for just about anything in life. But I began to wonder, Why does my enthusiasm stand out so much?

Last night was a great example of people's dying enthusiasm about life. It made me crabby but also made me chuckle just a little bit. We had an "all organizations" meeting for the spring semester - a way to gather up some central leaders on campus and chat about the current issues, questions, and problems going on in campus involvement. Part of the meeting went kind of like this:

Why do we have to be at this meeting? Is it going to take the full two hours? Where's the free food we were promised? I don't want to be forced to go to Student Government meetings.... (lots more grumbling from the entire group...)

Why aren't more people involved on campus? No one comes to our stuff. This campus just doesn't give a crap.

Really? You really think that people are going to come to things? You really think people are going to get involved when that's what they are greeted with? The resounding sounds of crabby people that aren't excited about what they do, what their mission is, or how they change the world around them?

The fact of the matter is that enthusiasm tends to breed only more enthusiasm, but a bad attitude breed all sorts of issues that run way deeper. A bad attitude can lead to negative actions toward people you care about, things you do, and even things you know nothing about. And the worst part of it all is that, for one reason or another, a negative attitude is so much easier to spread around than a positive one.

So, yeah, much of this campus, frankly, doesn't give a hoot about what is happening around them, but look at their examples, a bunch of involved, but equally grumpy, apathetic individuals living the exact same way.

So, I say, come on people. Take a look at what you're spreading around. Only you can work to make this a better place with better attitudes and attention to surroundings. Be truly excited about what you do, and for Pete's sake, share that with people! What could it hurt?

Frustration

I'm a little confused. At myself.

Never have I experienced such a frustrating endeavor as house hunting. I'm not typically quick to anger or frustration, and I consider myself a relatively patient person with a logical head on my shoulders.

Why then do I feel myself flying into a rage over my current situation? Why am I eternally frustrated over all the places I've seen? Why can't I cut my loses and move on to bigger and better things?

There are a few things I know in all of this, which, unfortunately only add to my confusion. 1) I know that God provides. I really don't have anything to worry about at all when it comes to finding a home. When I'm meant to have a home, I'll have one. And 2) parents are usually right. And if they say I need to wait on it, then most likely, that's what I need to do.

Somehow those two things don't eliminate my frustrations. They still bubble up right under the surface and seem to fester and explode with every new ugly house I see. Pretty thankfully, I have understanding parents, and I have a God that allows me to come to Him with my tears, questions, and frustrations. He let's me blow off my steam, waits until I'm finished, only to remind me that He's already taking care of it. Why can't I remember this? He's already got it. Somehow in all of this, I need to figure out how to let go and get back to real trust, knowing that through all the ugly houses left behind and all the pretty ones snatched up from beneath me, it is not madness or randomness or circumstance. Somehow, someway, it is exactly how it was intended to be. Unfortunately, my weak and weary human nature probably won't let me see it until I've gotten through and take a look back.

Your timing, not mine. Your plan, not my own. One step at a time...

Something's Missing: Follow Up

So, Divinely, on Sunday, Pastor Ken's sermon was on the very topic of love. After feeling so passionately that God was telling me to focus on this topic, it turns out, He's moving others' hearts toward this as well.

If you get a moment, please listen to Ken's sermon. You can find it here.

God works in such cool ways.

Something's Missing

Lately work has been a little hairy. Not my area, per say, but there have been rough and rocky patches that I sure wish I could eliminate. But what's the difference between those that are struggling with rocky patches at work and those who are not? Students who are succeeding and those who are not? Offices that are thriving and those that certainly aren't? What's the missing link?

I've been telling my students that what I'm really looking for in a leader is enthusiasm. And although this may be true, I don't know that it's the missing link. I mean, it is so important to have an excitement and enthusiasm about what you do, and a lot of things will follow once enthusiasm is there, but I think there's something deeper than that.

And what makes some offices or departments or individuals angry, what makes them fail dastardly at projects, what compels them to become liars or cheaters?

I have come to the determination that what is missing, as ridiculous as it may sound, is love. Think about it. If a person truly, deeply loves another, do they lie to them, or cheat, or hate, or stay angry? Rather you want to take care of them, do your best for them, show them compassion, and fight for them.

And if a true love is developed for what you do, can you not apply similar principles?

I have fallen in love with where I am right now. And the last thing I want is to do wrong by it. So all the things that need to flow next do: enthusiasm, excitement, passion, honesty, wanting to do my best, wanting to fight for my cause...relentless love brings about all these things.

So, as I grow into this place that I love, I find myself praying ever more fervently to bring love to this place. Bring love to the employees, the students, the programs, the administration. And when its true, there will be a noticeable, un-ignorable difference. I long for that day and pray hard.

Fun in the Kitchen

In place of a blind-date-road-trip that I thought was going to take place today, I decided to clean my house and then undo most of that with some fun in the kitchen.

For the first time ever, I tried my hand at homemade pasta. It wasn't too tough, a cup or so of flour, three eggs, and a tablespoon of olive oil. But it was sure messy! After mixing the ingredients in the recommended manner (on the counter...which I wouldn't necessarily recommend), you then have to let it sit and, then roll it out thin, cut it all up, and let it rest again. And the sauce? A creamy parmesan cinnamon acorn squash sauce. Oh yeah, I did that.

It was one of those recipes that I figured I would either love or hate. Here's what's in it:
Squash (the recipe called for pumpkin...whatever)
butter
half and half
onions
garlic
cinnamon
parmesan cheese

Weird right? Yeah, that's what I thought, but it actually tastes great! Kind of savory and creamy, but it needs a little something. I'm eating it right now trying to figure out what that other thing might be. Perhaps some salt...I'll let you know.

The Hunt is On!

Well, after much debate and even more stalling, the hunt is officially on. I've set the appointment with the realtor, my family's on board with a variety of options in hand, and I want to find a home that I love.

There are so many things that I'm excited about that come a long with searching for a house. First is, of course, the hunt. I've been drooling over houses that I want to see online for weeks, and next week, I'm going to get to walk through them and critic them and think about all the things I could do with them. But then there is the moving. I have got to be one of the few people on earth that doesn't mind moving. In fact, I'm already starting to prepare for all the things that come with a move. In the past, it has not been all that tricky to move. Pick up and go. And I have...so many times. But this time there's so much more: new driver's license, car registration and plates, utilities set up, a million address changes....

So, naturally, I have created a binder (I almost bought one, but that seemed silly), with all of the things I can possibly think of that will need to happen before, during, and after a move. It's so far about seven pages long. Yep, I'm a nerd.

I'm also excited to have projects of my very own...someday. I hope to fix things up, decorate rooms, buy new furniture to help fill rooms, and maybe even garden...or try to garden. :) Even the prospect of mowing (ooh, going to need a mower), and scooping snow sound a little exciting to this perpetual renter.

So, with all the excitement, and the realization that this could take a while, my goal is to find a place, buy it, and move in by summer....we'll see. But I just wanted to share my enthusiasm with someone now. :)

Hibernation

A few weeks back, as the winds blew and the snow piled up faster than I could imagine, I complained to my friend Kristi that there must be some way that I could hibernate and skip the cold and snow and wintry months altogether. I assumed that it was simply an impossibility for humans...we're built to hustle and bustle and work too hard and remain plugged in to our many devices that we are so dependent on. But, as I found out this Christmas, it is entirely possible for a human to hibernate, even for a short while.

This Christmas, I headed off toward the folks' a day early due to impending weather, and I headed back to my little homestead a day later than expected for the same reason...leaving me at their place for six days instead of four. But I can't say I minded. All Christmas traditions (with the exception of a few little ones) were kept, and there were days to spare. My mom and I spent most of those extra days in pajamas, sleeping in way too late, lounging around, and eating far too much...sounds like hibernation to me. So, for six glorious days, I didn't check email, rarely checked my phone, did not get on facebook, did not do homework, did not even think about work... How glorious! It was true, real rest for the first time since probably last summer that I stopped everything to do nothing.

So, although I did not sleep until sometime mid-March when the grass begins to turn a warm shade of new green and peek up through the melting snow, I did manage to rest for nearly a full week, and that has made a world of difference. I'm ready now to tackle anything this new year has to offer. And although I may not have bounded out of bed this morning earlier than my alarm clock, I did manage to revel in the sunrise as I headed off to work, and that in itself felt a little like a new beginning, like the start of spring as those hibernating animals begin to shake loose from sleep. And it was good.

And I'm an idiot....

After all my troubles at the Wal-Mart the other day, I just happened to find both my debit card and my driver's license in a place I never put them....and definitely not in my office. In my house.

I'm an idiot.

At least I can get gas before I leave for work tomorrow.

The Wal-Mart Predicament

Disappointed, but not surprised. That's how I'm feeling after a rough experience at the local Super Wal-Mart last night.

I had mistakenly left my debit card and driver's license at my office on Thursday, and with the storm of doom passing over on Thursday night causing me to forgo any attempt at getting back to Dubuque at all, I debated shopping at Wal-Mart at all. But, I did have my checkbook, and in a moment of nostalgia, thought that I could actually use it as money. Scoff.

So, Friday night, I trudge out into the night, checkbook(only) in hand. I meandered the store for over an hour shopping for mainly groceries, but a few things that will remain undisclosed and proceeded to the checkout line. This is where everything went down.

After ringing up all my items, bagging them up, placing them back into my cart, I handed the cashier my check. She puts in through the little magic money machine and it kicks it back asking for a driver's license. I politely, and a little sheepishly let the lady know that I didn't have it. She let me know that I needed to show it or I couldn't pay with a check. And this point, I am flustered, to say the least. Tears are welling in my eyes, but I'm trying to remain calm. There are people behind me three carts deep, some of whom I think I recognize. I begin to quietly plead. "Ma'am, this check is all I have with me. I have nearly $100 worth of stuff here. I shop here frequently. Isn't there any way to pay with this check?" Now, I understand that I have a tendency to over exaggerate when storytelling, but today, I will stick to the facts. The cashier literally threw her hands up in the air and said, "I cannot override the computer system. There is nothing else I can do!" Refusing to let tears fall, but sounding and looking shaken, I ask to see a manager and was met with the response, "It won't do any good. They can't override the computers either."

I told her then, in a moment of desperation, that I could go get payment because I would still like to buy my groceries, but it would take me more than an hour since I would have to go and get it from Dubuque. I pointed out frozen items that I didn't want to go bad. She pushed the cart out of the way and told me, "I'll take care of it." I look around one last time hoping to find some salvation from the embarrassment I was in then pretty much ran to the doors.

I called Mom, a natural reaction to any uncomfortable situation, by now definitely crying, to which she responds, "Get back in there and demand to talk to someone. This is ridiculous. I'll pay for them over the phone..." (continued ranting on the phone). I walked back in, wiping tears, trying to act brave, Mom still on the phone, and walked to the Customer Service counter. Thankfully, one of my old student workers from fabulous UWP. I went straight to her, explained what had happened, pointed out the crabby cashier, and she said, "Oh, well, we can just take your social security number. No big deal."

Seriously? The solution was that simple? Oh, but the saga continues. They had to search a bit to find my cart, but it showed up at Customer Service, and I overheard the manager say to my friend, "Oh, she told me to get rid of this stuff." She had aborted the purchases rather than pausing it, and "took care of it" all right. I was gone all of 30 seconds, and in another minute or two, my stuff would have been back on the shelves. Imagine me an hour later returning with my debit card planning to purchase the items that cashier #12 said she would take care of for me. No one wants to see that kind of fury.

Needless to say, my buddy at Customer Service re-rang all of my items, took my social security number, and ran my check. That simple.

But here's my predicament now: I have always been a huge advocate of Wal-Mart as the only conglomerate that could really offer the best price and every item I could ever need in one place. You can find Wal-Mart's anywhere, and they're all set up pretty much the same. But because of the sheer size of the corporation, the number of customers they have, losing one is meaningless. There's zero repercussion to mistreatment or mishandling situations. Even if I never come back and somehow convince my friends to do the same, Wal-Mart feels nothing. And further more, where do I go to get all of my stuff? In a real city, you'd find me roaming local markets, whole foods stores, etc. But Platteville, Wisconsin? Not a lot of other options...Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Piggly Wiggly. Ugh. So, you probably won't find me boycotting Wal-Mart or convincing others to join my quest. But, I'm not all that happy about it.

Sigh. I'll probably get over it.