To Be Given Much

Lately, I've been chewing on the ideas of what God gives us and what He expects of us. There's a parable in Matthew (Matthew 28:14-30) where a master gives one servant five talents, one two talents, and one one talent to take care of while he was gone. When he came back, the servant with five talents had doubled it and gave it all back to the master. The servant with two had also doubled it and gave it back to the master. The last servant buried the one talent he'd been given in the ground and upon the master's return, dug it back up and gave it to him. To the two who had been careful with the responsibility given to them, the master promised to place them in power over much. But the one who had only returned the one talent, the master called wicked, took away what little he had, and gave him the boot. 

So what does this mean for my life? How does this story apply? In the last few weeks, it seems that I have had quite a few people say in conversation something to the effect of, "I don't know how you keep it all straight," or "You make crazy chaos look easy." I usually just chuckle and go about my way, but when the comments come in droves, more than once a day, I have to start thinking that maybe there's something to it all. 

I feel that I have indeed been given much. Now, please don't misunderstand me to be saying, "Look at me and how great I am at everything! I'm so stinkin' cool!" That is absolutely not what I am saying. But I know my life is full. I recognize that God has given me gifts. Even just a quick glance at my life reveals that I have the ability to operate well in chaos, organize details, view the big picture, touch people with music...dig a little deeper and my heart reveals an ability to connect with people; to inspire, energize, excite people around me; dream beyond most people's limits...

My heart deeply desires to share these gifts with others, to offer them to God. So what's nagging me about this parable? What is it that I keep coming back to? I am offering enough? Am I choosing not to use some of my gifts? Am I trying to do too much, rendering myself fairly ineffective at everything? 

I've been given what I've been given not with the suggestion that I use it. No, it's an expectation. To chose not to use my gifts is a choice to avoid the responsibility God has given me. My gifts come with responsibilities. When I avoid responsibility, I am saying to God that I don't think I need to or should have to fulfill my responsibilities from Him. And I think that's a form of pride. But I could also use my gifts in ways that are not honoring to God or people. I could use them in ways that only further my own agendas, for my own glory. And that's pride, too, right? 

I'm sure this is post is just a rambling mess right now, but I have written, deleted, and rewritten this post so many times in the last few days, I just had to get something down and out of my head. Clearly, I still have much mulling to do on this passage in scripture and more listening to hear what God is trying to tell me through it.

On Forgiveness, Confession, and Growth

Because talking about one topic wouldn't seem like rambling enough...

Last night, for the first time, I publicly talked about my battle with bitterness toward my predecessor in a small group. The confession was a terrifying moment for me as I faced a group of students that may look up to me and follow my example. But I could not, in good faith, lead a discussion about forgiveness and keep my dark little secret to myself as if it didn't exist. It was a moment of vulnerability that God provided me the grace to make it through without completely losing it.

This act of confession somehow is changing my heart on the matter all together. I said my predecessor's name aloud tonight to the group. I said that I knew she must be a good person that does good things. I have not been able to do this since I started working at UD. I have humanized her again. She is not the memory that I've held hostage in my mind for so very long. It's as if the act of confession has tipped the scales, and now I can move toward the process of forgiveness. It will not be easy, but at least I've begun the journey.

Lately, as you may have noticed, I have been learning and growing at an incredible rate. As an outpouring of all that growth and learning, I have filled notebooks and blog posts and conversations...I suppose all in an attempt to have landing places for everything that doesn't fit inside my brain once it reaches maximum capacity. Someone noted last night that I appeared to be deeply saddened by something, but it wasn't moments later that I was nearly bursting at the seams with joy and excitement. And I suppose that's what growth looks like...sadness, joy, pain, excitement...all at once. Stretching and examining and being pulled and pushed isn't comfortable, and frankly it's a little messy. But the result is always good. So, stay tuned, as I would imagine that I have much growth to come...messy, painful, joyous, exciting growth.

Today's Lesson on Forgiveness

My lesson in forgiveness continues to serge ahead with what can only be divinely assigned lessons tailored for me this week. God continues to place the things I need to hear directly in my ears lately. Such a blessing!

This morning in chapel, we continued our journey though Ephesians. This week, we landed in chapter two...

"But now you have been united with Christ Jesus. Once you were far away from God, but now you have been brought near to him through the blood of Christ. For Christ himself has brought peace to us. He united Jews and Gentiles into one people when, in his own body on the cross, he broke down the wall of hostility that separated us. He did this by ending the system of law with its commandments and regulations. He made peace between Jews and Gentiles by creating in himself one new people from the two groups. Together as one body, Christ reconciled both groups to God by means of his death on the cross, and our hostility toward each other was put to death. He brought this Good News of peace to you Gentiles who were far away from him, and peace to the Jews who were near. Now all of us can come to the Father through the same Holy Spirit because of what Christ has done for us."

Okay, so this passage isn't about forgiveness, per se. But there is something key that I was furiously taking notes on throughout the twenty minute chapel service. The passage says that Christ reconciled the two groups together ending all hostility between the groups. Does this mean that the hostility instantly ceased around the world, and all was well from that moment on? Well, no. Christ declaring it so did indeed make it so, but it didn't make the process any less of a process. Christ has reconciled me to God by His death on the cross, but does that mean that I'm perfect now? No. I am being reconciled. I have been reconciled, and I am being reconciled. It is so, but it's still a process. 

Forgiveness is the same way. My declaring forgiveness to someone does indeed make it so, but does it remove the process of forgiveness from my heart? Does it mean that hard feelings, hurt, pain, and all the other emotions that go with trying to forgive someone just instantly disappear upon forgiving? Forgiveness is a process. It starts with being willing to forgive then being willing to work on forgiving.

This is such good stuff. God is so very good.

When God Does Math

Somewhere back in middle school math, or maybe even before, I learned how to add negative numbers together. And one of the first principles you learn when adding negative numbers together is that a negative plus a negative always results in a more negative number. -6 + -6 = -12. 

God's math, however, does not follow this principle. In fact, God's math seems to work in the opposite direction....at least when it comes to matters of the heart. Jesus tells us that the greatest commandment is to love God then the second is to love others. In the arithmetic of love, that's "give away love" plus "give away love" which seems pretty clearly to be two negative numbers to me. But somehow, this equation does not equal an empty heart. No, quite the opposite, in fact. If we give our love to God and give our love to others, somehow we end up with full hearts. Somehow. 

So often, I find myself searching to find love, to add a positive into this equation that doesn't make any sense. But the more love I seek out, the more I seem to need to find. Here, apparently positives yield a deficit. How can this be?

And this isn't the only math that doesn't add up the same in the world's math and God's math. Think about it. I have to be generous to receive much. I have to lose my life to find it. Die to myself to truly live. Be last to be first. None of this makes an iota of sense when using the world's math, but somehow God's math makes the worthless have worth. The slaves to sin completely free. The dead fully alive.

My brain desperately wants to understand this backwards math. I want to consume the whole textbook and ace the test, put it in its tidy little box, and move on to the next subject. But God's math when it comes to love is no more neat and tidy than the idea of His grace. There's no single word, phrase, acronym, or alliteration to sum it all up. 

All I can do is try my very best to learn the lessons God is trying to teach me every day, read the Textbook, and ask the Teacher lots of questions. And someday, it will all be made clear, all revealed to my heart.

Bitterness...The Battle Continues

Okay, so a few years back (has it been that long already?) I wrote a post about harboring bitterness. This was an issue that I was sure I could conquer quickly and move on from. I mean, I'm a good person who loves Jesus and wants to follow after Him. Surely some prayer and reflection would be enough to wipe out that little spec of dirty bad feelings. Well, over two years later, that bitterness that I swore to eliminate not only has not gone away, but it is seeming to spread. How can this be?

Bitterness is not like a shadow casting some little dark spot on your heart. Not like some flung dirt that requires only a napkin to clean up. No, bitterness is a highly corrosive acid eating away any surface it can get its hands on. What's the solution for a flesh eating predicament such as this? I can't think of any solution other than major surgery. 

So, what's the source of all of this bitterness anyway? Well, perhaps I should first ask where this bitterness is aimed. We'll maybe get back to the source later. As I undoubtedly have discussed before, when I started my job at UD, I began as an island with no bridges, no ports, no human contact of any kind. My predecessor had done her intentional best to destroy working relationships, burn bridges, leave smoldering piles of wreckage, and create sour attitudes in anyone within reach before she left. At least that's what it looked like and felt like to me and others I talked with and learned from when I first arrived. And whether the situation was or wasn't as it seemed, it greatly upset me....to the point that I could not say my predecessor's name aloud without getting fired up over her apparent negligence and poor choices. And truthfully, more that two years later, I still can't. I can't even say her name. And I have done my very best to hide away this corrosive little secret from everyone around me, keeping it tucked safely in the darkest corners of my heart that no one will ever see. Because one of my biggest fears in my work-life is that I would ever be seen as being anything like her. And the more this fear crept in, the deeper I tucked my bitterness, and the more it spread and corroded away. Like a lethal Chinese finger trap, the more I try to fight it, pulling one way in fear and the other in hatred, the tighter it gets, the more it traps.

So, out of this dark corner of my heart, lately I've been noticing bitterness coming up in other relationships that have nothing to do with my predecessor at all. And not only is it effecting particular situations or relationships, its effecting all of my relationships, and tainting how I deal with situations. That bitterness isn't staying put in that dark little corner. No, it's growing, festering, becoming visible to everyone around me. No amount of fear or hiding or fighting will take it away. Trapped. 

What is the release from this trap anyway? How can such hatred and corrosion be removed? Something pretty radical surely must take place. Forgiveness. But how do I get there? I feel so very far away from being able to forgive. And what or who am I forgiving? The person or people that committed the acts that the bitterness is aimed at? The actual acts? Do the people need to want forgiveness in order for me to give it? They don't even know of any issue to require it. Is the forgiveness for them at all? Or is it really for me? That seems somewhat oddly selfish, doesn't it? 

But am I truly angry with the person or people? Or am I angry at the memories? Can a memory really cause so much damage to the heart? Can I forgive a memory?

Upon reflection, it seems silly to hold so much bitterness, to waste so much energy on such memories, actions, or even people. Why can't I let it call go? These are such trivial things in the course of my life and in the course of the world, but yet I can't let them go. And then my heart turns to Jesus, the only example I should ever need to consider. He came to earth in the most humble of ways, in a form that no one recognized. He was hated, laughed at, betrayed. And even in the midst of dying a terrible death for those that did all of that against Him, He begged for our forgiveness. People, acts, memories, everything. He paid a price for a people that didn't appreciate it, didn't even care about it. 

Please tell me how I am supposed to live up to that? I can't. And now, do you know what this ties right back to? Grace. 

Here I've been given the topic of grace to study this semester as a mentor. I'm supposed to be able to lead discussions, inspire questions...But I don't nearly understand it. Grace is tied to everything - every hurt, every screw up, everything. Jesus knew that I would let Him down, and He still gave me grace. He wasn't bitter toward my choices or actions. He decided to forgive me anyway. He greed me from the consequences of my terrible choices that I absolutely deserved with a love bigger that any other love. 

So, what's the solution to all of this bitterness corroding that dark corner of my heart away? Radical, intrusive surgery. The surgeon? Jesus. The surgical tool? Grace.

Watching God Move

Watching God move is a lot like watching the wind. I can't see the wind. I can't watch the air move and flow around me. But I can see the effects of the wind. I can see what it does, what it affects, what it touches. I can see it in the trees, across the water, in leaves rolling down the street. I can hear it through the drafty windows of my old house. I can smell wind traveling along as I get whiffs of neighborhood cookouts or nearby farms. 

How do I know God is moving? I may not be able to see God, but I can see the effects of every wave of His hand, every smile on His face, every nod of encouragement. Over the past two years and a few odd months, I have been blessed to be witness to God moving at the University of Dubuque. 

I have probably told you this before, but when I interviewed at UD for the Director of Student Activities position, I nearly called off the interview because I wasn't feeling too well. I decided that would probably hurt my chances of getting a job, so I fought to get out of bed, take a shower, make myself presentable, and get there on time. I was on campus for over ten hours, attending interviews with students, staff, the president, faculty, the search committee...so many people. I was brought on campus tours, drug to two different evening activities, then finally sent on my way, exhausted. I remember getting in my car and just sitting there with my head against the steering wheel, tears running down my face. In nearly every interview, to nearly every person that asked a question, I had answered, "I don't know," or "I don't really have any experience with that." I felt completed inadequate, uneducated, and inexperienced in just about every way possible. 

I drove home that night feeling like I had blown it completely, but still, there was something resonating in my head, something I couldn't shut off or ignore. Jeff Bullock, the president of UD, had taken time out of his day to meet one-on-one with me, and I had asked him if there was one thing that I needed to know before I left campus that day, what would it be. He paused, leaned back in his chair, looked out the window, and started to smile. He looked back at me and said, "There is something going on here." He continued to say that he didn't know how to put it in any better words than that, but that you could just feel something happening, as if the campus was on the verge of some sort of miracle. And, frankly, after more than ten years of miracles that have kept this place alive, the fact that you can still feel that something is beyond amazing. 

After drying my tears and setting into bed for the night, my heart settled into a new place very quickly as well. Somehow I knew that despite how I thought that interview went that day, there was something that I was supposed to be a part of at UD. It was somewhat laughable that I'd ever end up there based on my performance that day, but I still knew that I was going to end up there somehow, someday. It was only three days later that I received a call asking if I would accept the position. God moved. 

Ever since then, I have been witness to that indescribable something happening on this campus. In two years' time, two campus administrators have been called by God to be here - the Dean of Student Life and the Vice President of Academic Affairs. Both of these men were more than well established in their careers elsewhere. Mick had spent more than twenty five years at UW-La Crosse and assumed he would retire in that beloved city. Mark and Annalee left twenty five years of experience at Trinity Christian College, a community that they had made a significant impact on and that dearly loved them. People like this don't just one day get an itch and pack up and start over. Not on their own. Having only been in any sort of career for five years or so, I can't imagine what twenty five years in one place feels like, but if I were to multiply my feelings for two years here out to twenty five or so, the connections would be nearly unbreakable. But God moves. 

He moves in our hearts, moves in our world, and although I can't see him, look at all the effects! Look at everything He's doing! Something is going on here. God is orchestrating something that is so much bigger than each of us that has been called here could ever accomplish on our own. What an honor to be able to witness the God of the universe moving in the hearts and lives of people right here. 

John 3:8 says, "The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit." And I think what that's saying is that we don't know the plans that God has for us, we can't anticipate or plan for or design lives according to our plans. But the wind does come and go with purpose and direction, just as God moves with purpose and direction. Even if we can't see it or understand it. Today I am overwhelmed by these thoughts. My heart is full with the goodness of God, His very magnificence. Something is going on here.

Fresh Ideas!

A few moments ago, I stepped out of a meeting with some folks from the Academic side of campus and from the Student Life side of campus, and the main goal of that meeting was to identify ways that Student Life and Academic Affairs could collaborate better on campus. Most people that work in higher education are well aware of the huge divide usually found between the two distinct sides of campus. For one reason or another, the two departments just don't jive. Usually one department just doesn't think that the work of the other department is valid for them. But the reality is that the work that both sides are doing are both critically important to students' lives, development, and overall educational experience. Working separately works to some extent. Students get the quality classroom experiences that lead to degrees, and they also get the out-of-class experiences that build up communities and solidify beliefs, values, and overall development into functioning adulthood. 

But what would be the result of truly working in tangent - working together on nearly everything? Is that even a possible ideal? It seems at first glance that certainly it cannot be achieved, but looking deeper into the concept tells me otherwise. Working with the summer Bridge program for the last two summers tells me that the experience that Bridge students are gaining is becoming a coveted experience - something that all students want. Why? Bridge students end up with a confidence regarding their surroundings, their resources, their new community, while also being acclimated to college classroom expectations and assessing their introductory subject knowledge levels. In a few days time, they get the best of both worlds (Academics and Student Life), and the program is seamlessly planned to work together. Mentors selected by Student Life serve in the Bridge class groups. Social activities are attended by faculty who participate and get to know their students outside the classroom. Groups move almost unknowingly from one type of learning to another, and so far, our data shows that it works, although I won't bore you with actual figures to prove it. 

So, what does this mean for the rest of our students? If a third of our incoming students are receiving this intentionally connected Student Life-Academics focused ideal through the Bridge program, then what about the other two-thirds? Can it be done through efforts of New Student Orientation? After leaving today's brainstorming meeting, I am absolutely convinced that it can be done, and be done well. 

My brain feels like it is so full that it may very well be leaking out of my ears right now. I have a thousand questions about what it looks like, how much it costs, who is willing to be involved, how I can sell it to campus, how many people it will take, what kind of impact it can have... I am ready to tear apart all of my original ideas of what New Student Orientation should look like and start completely over. 

I truly believe that this is God's work happening on this campus. He is bringing people together that are sprouting these new ideas and programs that will set this university apart from the rest of the world. We are breaking ground potentially where no other university had dared to go...and if they have, I wish they would post their research! For anyone reading this, this has probably been a pretty boring and not so excited blog post, but it is possibly one of the most exciting things to happen in my work world maybe ever. And I'm ready to dive in head first to fresh ideas, collaborative work, and maybe even some serious research and article writing to top it all off.

In Honor of National Coffee Day

In honor of National Coffee Day, I present to you one of my favorite coffee-related songs.

Coffee song by Ellis

Feel free to drop by my office any time today with National Coffee Day gifts for your favorite coffee lover!

Officially Fall

Well, it's officially fall, and in my life, it means a few things...

I'm sick. 

There always seems to be this lull between New Student Orientation and Homecoming that I manage to let down my defenses just enough to allow a little ick bug to sneak in. Last year, I got hit hard with four weeks of sinus infections followed by an abscessed tonsil (which was, perhaps, the most disgusting physical ailment that I've ever lived through). This year, fortunately, my ick is only a missing voice that will keep me quieter that usual for a few days (at least I'm hoping and praying that's all it is going to be). 

The leaves are changing!

Every year, as the leaves change and the fields turn golden for harvest, I find myself getting a little reminiscent. How could a whole 'nother year have passed before my eyes? I'm in my third round of school-year fun at UD and my second year of home ownership. It's just hard to believe all that has happened in such a brief moment in time. In a few months, I will, undoubtedly have my annual year in review post, but my reflection on the year's events usually begins around now as so many visible signs of change pop up all around me.

My life is crazy. 

Crazy is a pretty typical adjective used by both myself and others to describe my life in the fall season. This year, my fall is filled with my job (including a few new endeavors like Wendt), teaching, rehearsing for the big Christmas production at my church (yes, we've already begun practicing), and I'm leading a team of women to develop the annual women's day seminar at church. Yikes! And somewhere in there, I'm making time to read, pray, eat, play, and hang out with all of the great people God has placed in my life. It is indeed crazy, but it's also crazy good.

Grace & Humility...and a whole bunch of other stuff!

I was thinking about this issue of grace all day today as I cooked 95 brats for a rainy-day tailgate party. Cooking 95 brats turns out to be a time consuming but extremely mundane activity.

In my previous post, I was pondering the ideas of what people need to have, be, or do in order to give and receive grace, and I must admit that the more I think about it, the more questions I come up with. I find this to be good for my thirsty soul. I was having a hard time pinpointing what exactly was needed in order to give grace to another person...I just couldn't come up with the word that fit. But I think that I've since come up with a word that I am satisfied with. Integrity. Merriam Webster doesn't really help me out all that much on this one describing integrity as a "firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values; an unimpaired condition; the quality or state of being complete or undivided". But that's the world's perspective of integrity, I would suppose. Integrity to a Christ-follower would take on a slightly different meaning in my opinion. The book Uprising: A Revolution of the Soul, (thank you, Megan for suggesting I read it) the author states that "integrity is the personification of truth." And since, as a Christian, my truth is not just truth as in fact or not fact, but my truth comes from the Word of God, then if my actions are aligned in truth, aligned with God, then that's integrity. 

I'm not sure I am making a whole lot of sense to you, but to me a light bulb has come on. It's not necessarily compassion, caring, love, or anything else that compels us to give out grace to those around us. It's the desire to be in line with God. And it is that desire that compels me to give out grace.

But what's the risk of giving out grace to others? And usually at this point, I have to remind myself what the definition of grace really is...it somehow always seems to get a little blurry...For people giving out grace to other people, it would be giving out an unmerited gift, favor, act or instance of kindness, temporary exemption...(sorry Merriam Webster, I'm paraphrasing with great liberty here). So, back to the question - what is the risk of giving out this grace to others? In Les Miserables, the bishop risked him home, personal safety, general well being to allow a dangerous criminal into his home, but after that, when he saved the criminal from the authorities, what did he stand to lose then? He could have lost everything - he could have been sent to jail if he was caught, his wife, thinking him crazy, could have left him. The criminal could have thrown the gift away and come back to harm him later. In more general terms, to give an undeserved gift to someone, one risks the potential for some negative consequence always. The gift, is after all, undeserved by the recipient in the first place. 

And what is the reward for giving out grace to another? Certainly we remain true to our convictions, build stronger our relationship with God, grow our integrity. We have a chance to change the world for one person in some positive way. Jesus used a discipleship model that obviously worked to change the world in a very big way. And by giving grace to one person even once could change one person's world for the better. And that person then just may turn around, give out grace, and potentially change another person's life for the better, and on and on. Is this the ultimate reward, at least for our time on earth? I guess I'm not sure. That's enough to get me excited.

As I dig deeper into the idea of grace, each question I think I find an answer to only seems to give way to more questions. It seems that as I take even the tiniest of sips, I am reminded how truly thirsty I have been...

Grace & Humility

Last week in the Wendt program, we watched (part of) Les Miserables to spark a discussion about grace. In the movie, the main character is a thief who spends significant time in prison, and then is released with papers naming him forever a criminal. Homeless and hungry after his release, he knocks on a bishop's door for food and shelter, even announcing that he was a criminal, as if to say, You shouldn't trust me. But the bishop, without hesitation or speculation, invites him in for dinner and offers him a bed to sleep in. True to form, the criminal rises in the middle of the night, packs up the bishop's earthly treasures, knocks out the bishop, and runs. When caught by the authorities, they brought him back to the bishop's house to return to goods, but the bishop swore up and down that the man was his guest and he had given him the treasures as gifts. In a single statement, the bishop releases the criminal from a lifetime of shame and hardship, freeing him of all guilt...only if he accepts it.

The idea of accepting the gift of grace has really been hitting me in a new way since I've stopped to think about it. Because I think that it is possible, and maybe more frequent than anyone cares to admit, to ignore the gift of grace - to refuse it. But what makes us refuse it? What makes us turn away from this gift? I can only think of one thing. Pride. We only refuse grace because we don't think we need it. 

What do we have to do, then, before we can accept grace? We must first accept that we need it. In order to do this, we have to lower ourselves to the reality that we've screwed up, that we're not perfect, that we need a gift we know we don't deserve. Humility. Humbleness is an absolute necessity. 

But if humbleness is a requirement for becoming a recipient of grace, is there a requirement for the giver? It is compassion? Love? Obligation?

And, assuming Newton's laws are true, then what is the reaction of giving and receiving grace? For the receiver, humility leads to gratitude? Service? And for the giver? Joy? Obedience to God? Peace? Why can't I put the right words to this? 

Grace is quickly becoming something that as I learn more about it, I need to learn more about it. The more clear I think it is becoming, the more questions I have. More to come, it seems.

Holy Ephesians! (Part Two)

I left off in a state of crazy overwhelmedness in part one of this Ephesians 1 discovery at the end of verse 8. I've read chapter 1 a few times since then, so I'm going to try to get through another section of this beautiful letter from Paul. 

Verses 9-10: "And he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, to be put into effect when the times will have reached their fulfillment - to bring all things in heaven and on earth together under one head, even Christ." I can't honestly say that at this time I feel like God has made known to me the mystery of his will...I mean, most days it still feels completely like a mystery. But I'm pretty sure what Paul more likely meant was that God revealed how He was going to save us when He sent Jesus, Jesus died, and Jesus rose from them dead. When Jesus rose from the dead, people knew what it was that he had done - and the mystery of God's will was made known to us. And we know, too, how the story is going to end. It ends with a new heaven and earth, and all believers together worshiping Christ forever. 

The next few verses, I really have to break down, but verses 11-12: "In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of his will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory." Um...what? Paul, too many thoughts buddy. Slow down so that the rest of us can understand. Okay, so God had a plan, and that was to save me. And I should be saved to the very glory of God. I feel like that makes sense, but am I getting it all here? God's glory is revealed through His saving of me?

Verses 13-14: "And you also were included in Christ when you hear the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God's possession - to the praise of his glory." I can't honestly say that I've ever thought of the Holy Spirit as the down payment that ensures my inheritance. I've always just though of the Holy Spirit as that part of the three-in-one-God that lives in our hearts, and there just wasn't much thought beyond that. But because I have the Holy Spirit dwelling in me, I know that my future is secure. I know that at the day of God's redemption of His people, I'll be saved. And that's the deposit, the down payment, the signature on the contract, if I've ever seen one. And all of that is done by God and to the glory of God. 

After reading this passage this carefully, combing through every phrase, realizing what it all might possibly mean, I wonder what Pastor Ken was thinking making it the memory verses for church for the past few months. There's so much here that we're all missing. But, I guess it got me to dig in a little deeper, explore a little further, and I guess if it was just me in the whole church that took the time (and will still need more time) to explore this passage at all, then maybe Ken, or much more likely, God, really did know what He was doing.

When Good Things Go Bad

Sometimes even the best things go bad. Sometimes they go there gradually, and sometimes all at once. But what are we supposed to gain out of the bad? What are we supposed to learn? In the moments that good things go badly, it's easy to quickly lose perspective, to  become bitter or hostile or mopey. But there is undoubtedly some lesson, some growth, some good that must come from bad things.

We know from Romans 8:28 that "...in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." How do we reconcile that with the fact that things will go bad sometimes? If we back up a bit in Romans 8, we find that (verse 26-27), " In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will." This sounds a little bit more like bad things can and do happen. But despite the bad, God can and does still orchestrate it into something good. 

There has to be then a certain hope that we just have to cling to as things go wrong that even in the struggle, the trial, the trouble, that God said it would be good, so whether I see it or not, experience it in a tangible way or not, that it is indeed good. And in that hope, I am called to not only endure whatever hardship or trial that surrounds me, but I should actually count it a joy. In James, we read, "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing" (1:2-4).

I am often drawn back to a sermon I heard once at my church. The gist of the entire sermon was that in life we will have hard times. We can be assured of that fact. But that hard things aren't always bad things. And even if they are bad things, they can indeed be good. We don't grow, develop, or learn when things are easy. It is in the hard things that our hearts are touched, lessons are learned, growth happens. So, it has to be concluded that very often hard things and good things come together. They are not mutually exclusive. 

So, it is with an attitude of gratitude and joy that I accept (or at least try very hard to accept) trials, hardships, the bad things in life because I know that there is something good that God is bringing me in order to strengthen my faith, to refine my beliefs, to grow my relationship with Him. And that is very good.

Divine Interventions

It never ceases to amaze me that God has the ability (okay, so obviously He has the ability...it more amazes me that He cares), to constantly align the path of my life to intersect the life of someone else so that we meet at the exact time that we may need each other most. God can work in whatever way He wants. If He wanted to make our lives better, He could just do it. But most often He chooses to work through imperfect us to meet each other's needs. God's desire to use us is a whole 'nother topic for a whole 'nother time.

Recently, I had myself an awfully bad day. They happen every once and a while...even to the most perky, positive, and purposeful of individuals. I had made some vital errors at work (wouldn't work be so much easier if I was just perfect?), and had a pretty rough conversation that needed to be had with someone. Feeling attacked, weary, and pretty defeated, I sent out a call for prayer from a few women that I knew would for sure follow through, just asking for peace and maybe a reprieve from the terrible day. Today, I ran into one of them, Annalee, and we met for impromptu lunch on campus.

It didn't take long for us both to realize that this lunch was orchestrated well beyond our understanding...just at the moment when I needed someone to share with. We prayed together, shed a few tears over the pure greatness of God, hugged, and went on with our day. We both knew that God had brought us together for a purpose. I look forward to seeing what God does with the continual building of our relationship.

And, you know, it's not just today that I've seen this happen. It seems that God has brought people into my life over and over again, for purposes that sometimes I'm not even aware of at the time. Sometimes I need a friend, sometimes I need a laugh, sometimes I get to serve others in purposes, too. I thank God for His divine timing and for the people He knows that need to connect at certain times in certain ways. And I thank God for people like my family, Megan, Annalee, Janet, Carol...

Holy Ephesians! (Part One)

Since the memory verses at church for the past month or two have been based in Ephesians 1, and because it came up in chapel this week, I feel the need to start there. 

I don't know much about Paul, the author, much beyond Sunday school lessons (persecuting Christians, road to Damascas, became an amazing missionary...you know). But out of all of the new testament writers, for some reason, I feel the most affinity toward him, like maybe he and I would have gotten along pretty well. I don't know why so much, it's just a feeling. His writings intrigue me.

When I read through Ephesians 1 for the first time tonight, I had to keep stopping and starting all over the place in a desperate attempt to try to figure out where one thought ended and another began. Apparently the Greek language wasn't so big on punctuation. But there's a strange excitement that results from all the run-ons...as if Paul couldn't even control the words flowing to the page as he wrote.

Verse 3 starts out, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ..." So far I'm tracking with this - praise Him, got it. "...who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ." Every spiritual blessing - like salvation, spiritual gifts, the Holy Spirit in our hearts, perhaps?

Okay, I've already got to stop and recap. Praise God who gives you good things through Jesus. Deep breath.

Verse 4: "For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight." Here's our first look at grace. Clearly, we are not holy or blameless. God knew that. From the beginning. He still chose us. To really comprehend what that means is so very far above my head. I'm worthless but God chooses to provide me my worth. 

Verse 5: "In love, he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will..." Pleasure...I'm not sure I really caught that the first time or two through. It pleases God to adopt me. It gives him joy. Even though it was only through the death of Jesus that the Father received me as His daughter, it still gives Him pleasure? The Amplified translation says, "[actually picked us out for Himself as His own]" and I feel like every time I read this verse, I stick a question mark in there because it such a thought.

Verse 6: "...-to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves." Ahh, grace. There it is again. And this time, it is emphasized how free it is. 

Verses 7-8: "In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding." I had to stop and remind myself what redemption really meant. Mirriam Webster comes in handy quite often for me. To redeem is to buy or win back, to free from consequences, to release from blame or debt...the only way we get any of that is through the blood of Jesus. Accept what Jesus did for you and you become redeemed. And not only do we get all of the beautiful benefits of being redeemed, but we also get to be lavished with the riches of God's grace. Lavished, as in given abundantly, exceedingly, immeasurably. And Paul let's us know that He did indeed know what he was doing.

I am just drowning in the depth of this verse right now. Praise God who gives you good things through Jesus. He chose to make you his child, which only He can do through the free gift of Jesus' life. It costs Him more than a lot to save us, but it still gives Him joy.

I honestly have to stop there. I keep reading this over and over trying to grasp just a little more. To me, it's still so unthinkable. So immeasurable. All these weeks in church, I just couldn't figure out why we kept reading the same verses over and over, or why they were selected for us in the first place. Now I know. This passage packs so much. If we can even get just a tiny piece out of this, we've gained so much. 

Thank you Father for the mysteries of your love, the depth of your grace, the complexities of You. Thank you for adopting me through Your Son. I can't imagine trading one child's life for another, but that's what You did for me. You deserve all the praise that I could ever muster up. Your love is so far beyond what I can understand.

A Passionate Fool

Lately I've been feeling torn, convicted, and maybe off-balance. It's been difficult to put a finger on exactly what it is that I'm feeling and experiencing, but a recent sermon put it in some pretty basic terms that I think are helping me to sort it all out. 

God calls us to love him with all of our hearts, souls, minds, and strength (Mark 12:30 as well as the other gospels). And the sermon I listened to broke down what each of those pieces could mean in our lives. And in discussing the sermon with a friend, it suddenly gripped me that I was completely unbalanced in my approach to loving God. 

Anyone that knows me knows me to be an extremely passionate individual. I live life in nearly pure emotion, acting on gut feelings, getting lost in music, laughing and crying hard. If I'm going to experience the world, let me experience it in this way...with high highs and low lows. This is how I love on God, too. My heart is madly, deeply, passionately in love with my Savior. I feel God in me. I feel like I commune with God in a real way. And I can express my love for God as passionately. Songs sometimes flow out of me unexpectedly. Music reaches me in a way that little else can. I move for God, act for God, serve for God...

But do you know what all of this passion has done for me? It's made me incredibly lazy. If I can feel God, certainly I must know God. But loving God does not inherently give me a knowledge of God. I know that I love God with my whole heart (choosing to follow His will actively) and my soul (where all of that passion resides), but am I loving Him with my whole mind? Am I dedicating time to learning about my God? The answer is undoubtedly no. 

Although I have not abandoned the Word by any stretch, I have become complacent that I must know what's in there. I've read a lot of the Bible, and I look up verses pretty often when I certain concept or thought crosses my mind. But when is the last time that I have studied the Word? When was the last time that I dove into a topic just hungry to know what God had to say about it? I'm embarrassed to admit that I have no clue. And if I'm not doing that, then how do I know what God says or thinks about the things happening to me and in the world? I won't. 

This is pretty scary thought. If I don't know God's heart, then how will I know how to listen to Him? How will I know how to talk to Him? How will I know if I'm even in His will? Following a feeling is not the same thing as following Christ. Lots of things can conjure feelings, emotions and passions. Injustice, family, music, success, individuals...none of these things are Christ. 

My friend shared a verse with me today that I didn't even know was in the Bible, and today it's speaking directly to me: 2 Cor 11:3 “I am fearful, lest that even as the serpent beguiled Eve by his cunning, so your minds may be corrupted and seduced from wholehearted and sincere and pure devotion to Christ” (AMP). Could it be? Could I be so passionate that I blindly pursue Christ and somewhere in the midst become lost and deceived? The fact is, Satan will find any crack in my armor and begin to pry it open...even the very thing that seems to drive my spiritual life. 

So, excuses need to be laid down today. The excuse, I know I know God because of how I feel for Him, doesn't work because feelings can lead astray. The excuse, I read the Bible pretty often, so I don't need to establish a routine or discipline of it, doesn't work because reading the Bible only to grab a verse here and there is not learning the Word. The excuse, I'm just too busy, doesn't work because I'm not even trying right now, so there can be time if I make the time. The excuse, I don't know where to start, isn't valid anymore because there are things being laid on my heart that I'm simply ignoring. 

Today, I will begin to take away Satan's stronghold, eliminate the laziness and lies that I've built my passionate but unknowledgeable faith life around, and start to learn about my God again. The passion can certainly only grow stronger as I learn more...and there is so very much to learn.

Some Initial Ramblings on Grace and Gratitude

As previously mentioned, I have joined in with the Wendt program as a mentor, and the theme this semester is Grace & Gratitude: Grounds for Good Character. Now, I may not be so much into alliteration such as this but I think the topics, nonetheless, are sound. They seem so simple in design, like something everyone should just inherently understand. But take a look at the definitions (thank you, Merriam Webster):

---

grace noun \ˈgrās\

1a : unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification b : a virtue coming from God c : a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine grace

2a : approval, favor graces> b archaic : mercy, pardon c : a special favor : privilege grace, shall rule his heritage — Rudyard Kipling> d : disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy, or clemency e : a temporary exemption : reprieve

3a : a charming or attractive trait or characteristic b : a pleasing appearance or effect : charm grace of youth — John Buchan> c : ease and suppleness of movement or bearing

4—used as a title of address or reference for a duke, a duchess, or an archbishop

5: a short prayer at a meal asking a blessing or giving thanks

6 plural capitalized : three sister goddesses in Greek mythology who are the givers of charm and beauty

7: a musical trill, turn, or appoggiatura

8a : sense of propriety or right grace not to run for elective office — Calvin Trillin> b : the quality or state of being considerate or thoughtful

grat·i·tude noun \ˈgra-tə-ˌtüd, -ˌtyüd\

: the state of being grateful : thankfulness

thank·ful adj  \ˈthaŋk-fəl\

1: conscious of benefit received thankful>

2: expressive of thanks <thankful service>

3: well pleased : glad thankful that it didn't rain>

 

thanks noun pl \ˈthaŋ(k)s\

1: kindly or grateful thoughts : gratitude

2: an expression of gratitude thanks before the meal> —often used in an utterance containing no verb and serving as a courteous and somewhat informal expression of gratitude thanks>

---

Talk about convoluted and confusing. Gratitude is defined by thankfulness which is in turn only defined in gratitude. It's like we know what it means but can't effectively put it into any words that make any good sense.  How do I know I'm thankful? How do I express gratitude? What affect does gratitude have on my life? On the lives of those around me? And grace? How can grace mean so many things that are so very different? 

This semester launches me into the path of two topics that I can't say I've spent all that much time thinking about in life. I know that I'm thankful for the many blessings in my life, and I know that I don't deserve any of them, but what does that really mean? I cannot wait to dive in deeper...well beyond Mirriam Webster, into mentors' brains, into friends' hearts, into books, into God's word.

Building Character and Getting Paid for It

This summer I was asked if I would be interested in becoming a Wendt Mentor. Now, to be asked to become a Wendt Mentor as a staff person is a pretty prestigious thing. Typically it's an honor reserved just for tenured or tenure-track full-time faculty, so of course, I jumped at the chance to come on board. The Wendt Center on our campus is a well-funded character building initiative started by a generous donation by friends of the university, and it's designed to work with the entire campus community to educate individuals about integrity, honesty, character in everything that we do. It is supposed to influence the entire campus and how we live out our lives both on and off campus. 

The idea of a center such as this is a brilliant one. Provide opportunities for the community to learn about, talk about, and read about all sorts of character-based issues, and the community will take those opportunities and grow. And I would even argue that the Wendt Center has positively impacted this place. But there is a strange dichotomy that exists within the center itself that I'm struggling with. As a mentor, I get paid to work with students that also get paid to build their character. Doesn't that just sound strange? 

There is a group of students on campus known as the Wendt Character Scholars, a group made up of students that apply, interview, and are selected to the program, and then receive a scholarship for their academic year commitment. But "scholar" is a bit of a misnomer, as they don't actually produce any sort of scholarly work within the program (a reflection paper or two does not a scholar make), and they are not required to reproduce any of the information (in the form of exams, poster projects, etc.). They attend weekly meetings with a lecture and discussion component and complete a required amount of community service. 

These students are great students. They are students that want to be there, that want to do service, that want to discuss issues and learn and grow. And I know that this program is changing the lives of some of the individuals that are a part of the program. Some of them look at life completely differently than before their time with the Wendt. But I wonder, what would the program look like if it was not offered as a scholarship...as in monetary scholarship? And what would it look like if the mentors were unpaid? And what if there was some sort of actual scholarship required...as in production of scholarly work? Would people take advantage of the opportunity to do scholarly work, learn about themselves, and grow as individuals? Would it feel like an elite group of students? Would it even survive? 

For me, I signed on before I even knew there was a stipend involved. Is the stipend nice? Certainly. Would it have affected my decision? No. Would everyone be able to say that? I don't know. So, I feel slightly stuck, stuck in an undecipherable dichotomy between enticement and actual benefit.

Despite the place I have found myself in this program, I am still very much looking forward to being a part of it. I enjoy my small group, and I think we're going to be able to dig in deep to all sorts of topics. And I know without a doubt that I'm going to learn a lot from them rather than the other way around. The topic for the year? Grace and Gratitude. And I have to say that I will need to do some personal reflection on what these two have in common, what they mean, how they apply to my life just as my students will have to. But that's another post for another time. For now, I'm just eager to see how in the world this all plays out.

Quite the Lull

It has been several months since I've even considered seriously this blog, and I have been wondering lately why that is. Some days its seems that thoughts and emotions and lessons just pour out of me, like I can't help but write them down, even if no one is reading along. But other days, nothing comes to mind, as if I have nothing valuable or interesting to share. And lately, there has certainly been much more of the latter type of days. Buy why?

Could it be that I have been simply to busy to stop and process anything that's been going on in my life? Probable, but suspending writing and processing has not been my typical m.o. Usually, the more stressed and stretched I feel, the more time I need to just sit and process. Could it be then that I'm simply not busy enough to have the need to process and write? *Smirk* If this is it, then the world is a seriously messed up place, because I certainly feel busy enough. 

Is it possible that I have lost some semblance of inspiration to cause my writing to be quieted? Could it be that I am supposed to be quiet for a while for some purpose? All in all, I can't be sure as to what has caused my lull, but I want to come back. So, if I have any readers out there at all, I'll hopefully get back in the swing of things soon. And if not, for myself, I will still hopefully get back in the swing of things soon.

Momentous

Tonight, the Department of Student Life did something that, at least to my knowledge, it had never done before. We kicked off student leader and mentor training in an unapologetically  Christian message. We prayed, ate, learned, and played together. And we studied a book of the Bible that has become more and more dear to my heart: Esther. 

I can relate to Esther. She was young, probably not all that wise, and was thrown into a situation that she had no idea was about to come. When I applied at UD, for whatever reason, they took a liking to me. They gave me a chance despite my youth, inexperience, and very apparent lack of wisdom. And since I've been at the college, some amazing and momentous things have been happening around me and with me and through me. And tonight is such a prime example of that. 

I can't help keep thinking...

"For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?"

What if I had turned down this job for another? Or stayed in my other job? The things happening on this campus may have happened from somewhere or someone else. The transformation of students' lives, Student Life, and the University would have happened in some way. But maybe...just maybe it was meant just for me. The time and the experiences and the growth and the momentous moments were God's desire for me to be in. And that thought keeps me going. God wants me to act, use my gifts, be a part of the action. And I just pray that He can use me like he used Esther - to be brave, to use my gifts, to change lives around me. And I pray that I can get that message out to students - that they can do the same. 

Peace & Peace

It's been nearly a month since my last post because I've been gallivanting around the country on a whirlwind of summer fun that is not yet quite over. I've been to the flooded north woods of Wisconsin (at least they were when I was there), and I've just returned from the great beauty of the Colorado wilderness (although actual wildlife sightings were somewhat rare). And I have really loved *almost* every minute of the generally quite peaceful journey. There were, admittedly, a few times that I found myself slipping back into a wound-tight-like-in-the-real-world attitude, but I did my best to break free of the confines of the rush and run to just enjoy being for a while. Overall, it was just a wonderful time. A time that I truly felt bathing, swimming, submerged completely in love. God's love. Family's love. Friends' love. What a peace.

But the one thing, ironic as it may be, that everyone says after returning from vacation, is that it's so very good to be home. There's generally no, Let's stay for three more weeks! No. There's a different kind of peace, separate from the vacation kind, that one finds upon their return to what they left behind. And although my garden, flower beds, yard, dust, dishes, and laundry all cry out for my attention, there still remains a feeling of peace. God made the whole world for me to explore and enjoy, to clamour upon and run around, to try to capture in photos and memories, but this...This here, he set aside just for me. It's the place that I get to call my home. And I so grateful for the blessing of it, the sight of it, the comfort of it.

Anticipation

There are times in life when everything happens at once, when you're overwhelmed and can't think much beyond each single current moment. There are times in life when almost nothing happens, when you can take a deep breath. And then there are special times when you know something is about to happen, something big or exciting or fun. Anticipation. 

With the quick approach of summer vacation; a face-to-face meeting of an overseas friend; the blooming of the vegetable garden, grapes, and the apple tree, it seems that I'm living in a state of anticipation in every aspect of my life. It's such a neat feeling that leaves me not wishing life away but eager to know what lies ahead. I'm excited, preparing so that I'm ready, sharing my excitement with others, talking about what lies ahead in my life. I'm keeping the weeds down in the garden, watching for bugs on my plants, making packing lists, purchasing supplies...

And lately, I can't help but think that this is the state we're supposed to be living our lives in all the time. The writers of the Bible wrote about living in a state of readiness for Jesus' return to earth. Two thousand years ago, people where anticipating His return. They were excited, ready, talking about it. Have we lost our anticipation for Jesus? Have we replaced it with our anticipation with much less significant things?

Summer is good. It's very good. How much greater is heaven going to be? Now that's anticipation.

Open Windows

Although it's felt like summer for quite some time around here, I've hesitated to open up all of the windows in the house. I've opened a few - the front porch, the kitchen, the bedroom sky lights, but I have not brought myself to cranking them all wide open. Why, you ask? Well, frankly, the only reason why I wouldn't open up all my windows is that opening them, compels me to clean them...the dirty, webby sills at least. That place that's been all shut up for six months or so and inevitably has become home to some ferocious creature that is only doing a mediocre job at controlling the population of gnats sneaking through the screens anyway. Stupid spiders. 

Well, tonight, desperate to cool my nearly hundred year old second floor bedrooms to a tolerable sleeping temperature, I finally decided enough was enough. Those spiders could not keep my desires for fresh air and peaceful sleep at bay any longer. I opened, I sucked, I wiped, I breathed deep. Why...sigh...didn't I...sigh...do that sooner...sigh...

There is just something wonderful about the feeling of having the windows wide, isn't there? It's freeing. To both the six-months-sealed funk that grows into a house throughout the winter months and to my out-door craving spirit who would probably sleep outside all summer if not for the aforementioned spiders. And bats. And...well, you get the idea. I still love the outdoors.

It just leaves me praising God for the gift of air. And praying that it doesn't rain at least until I wake up in the morning.

Reconciliation

The fallout. Something that men don't necessarily deal with in relationships. But most women have experienced this at least a time or two from their closest circle of friends. Something happens, and it forever changes the course of the relationship.

I, myself, have had relationships that have gone through their fair share of fallouts. With each fallout disaster, I usually tried with all my might to fix whatever was wrong with the relationship, to save it, restore it as if nothing had happened. In my mind, the only two options were to fix it or walk away from it completely. But fairly recently, I ended up landing somewhere in between these two options, not knowing anymore how to fix it and desperately not wanting to walk away but knowing that the relationship would never be quite the same. What am I supposed to do here in the middle?

The conclusion I've come to is that I must reconcile this relationship. I cannot live in limbo anymore. Miriam-Webster defines the word reconcile as follows:

1 a : to restore to friendship or harmony; b : settle, resolve
2 : to make consistent or congruous

3 : to cause to submit to or accept something unpleasant

4 a : to check (a financial account) against another for accuracy b : to account for 

The varied definitions of this word seem strange to me...restore, resolve, settle, accept, consistent, account for... Do these ideas even all go together? But in pondering this further, I realize that I need all the different definitions to really make reconciliation work.

I need to restore both friendship and harmony, for both parties involved, but in order to do that, I need to resolve some of the issues in my own heart that may have contributed to the fallout. I need to settle the differences between us in my own heart rather than wrestle with them in the space between us. In resolving this to myself, I then need to strive for consistency - strike a middle ground rather than living on the roller coaster of ups and downs. How nice to be able to enjoy one another consistently when I have settled my heart and can accept another's.

Doing all of this will require me to accept what has happened in the past for what it was...not to fix or change or ignore or fight these things - just accept them, unpleasantries and all. It was what it was, but it was, not is. That chapter is over, and I can accept it as over and okay. And, I do need to take account for my future actions, perhaps even find a way to be held accountable. How will my actions and attitudes continue to effect relationships in the future?

I must reconcile past fallouts in my own heart in order to reconcile them with others. Things may not be "fixed" or exactly the same as they once where, but that doesn't mean that things can't still be good. 

Thoughts on Being Bold

I recently had an interesting conversation with someone about the idea of being bold in approaching relationships. Our reflections were honest and from our own perspectives and experiences. 

The determination we ultimately came to was that women have been conditioned to react more boldly than perhaps we were created to react when it comes to relationships. Women initiate contact, make the "first move," call guys first, etc. How did we get this way? I would argue, and please don't interpret this as any sort of male-bashing session, that women have been conditioned to be bold, dare I say aggressive, when it comes to relationships because many men opt not to be. They choose, or perhaps are conditioned, to be reserved, passive, chased after, shy.

Both men and women know, can feel, that this situation, this role reversal is just not how God intended is to be. Despite good intentions, it always feels awkward to me to have to make the first move. But I feel it necessary most of the time to even be able to talk with someone of the opposite sex. And maybe it feels the same to men that are approached by women. 

And it's not like it's a big hidden secret how God created men and women. It's pretty clearly spelled out for us in the Bible. God intended men to lead, support, guide their mates...love them like Christ loves the church. And women are to submit, yes ladies, I said submit, to their mates knowing that they are going to be treated as the church by Christ. We know what this is to look like. 

Satan has really done a number on these roles, hasn't he? He's made women to think they should act like men and given men permission to act like women. As I continue to battle through the ideas of singleness, dating, relationships, and marriage in my own life, I'm realizing that I'm working in an imperfect system that is not going to change for me. But I'm also realizing that despite the imperfect system, I still follow a perfect God. So, I don't have to worry. God has given me a heart that yearns after the role set for me. And there is a man out there whose heart yearns for the same. And it is not my personal duty to systematically dig through the proverbial haystack to, by an endless process of elimination, to find my needle. God has known my name since before I was even an idea in my parents' heads, knows the number of hairs on my head. I don't have to find my mate by myself. 

The imperfect system will continue to drive me to desire to be bolder than my heart was made to be, but I will continue to learn to trust my Maker who has always known my bold, brave, loving husband.

Summer Routine

Well, it's officially summer around here. Students are home safe and sound. The office is quiet, or at least filled only with the self-selected noise of internet radio stations blaring...which is way better than four televisions, a fast food restaurant, a hundred or so student voices, etc.

And with the arrival of summer comes the arrival of a shift in routine. A new kind of normal settles in.

Sleep in a bit. Work some. Play. Cook. Clean up. Drag out the hoses. Roll up the hoses. Trim. Mow. Play. Laugh. Relax a while. Try a new thing or two. Travel. Play.

This varied routine (as compared with the school year routine: Work. Sleep. Work.) offers a huge realm of possibilities. All exciting and different and fun.

Last year at about this time, I discovered, for the first time ever, what summer for the "average American" is supposed to be like. And I fell in love with every aspect of it. Now, coming at summer with a whole new perspective allows me to plan for loving it. And that is so very exciting.

So, cheers to summer, adventure, and a new and fabulous routine!

Quite the Catch

Dear Men of the World,

My name is Lindsey, and I wanted to take a moment to introduce myself. Perhaps we've met before, and perhaps we haven't, but it seems that we haven't been able to become really well acquainted for one reason or another.

I'm adventurous. I mean really adventurous. I like to hike in the mountains, go camping, ride bikes, swim in lakes... I've been known to jump off of water falls, scale 14,000-foot peaks, and do spontaneous things just because I can. I can kill a good ropes coarse (including the high ropes stuff), and I'm not afraid to try new things. You like adventure, too, don't you?

I like to cook. For you, this would be a huge plus if, say, you don't. I experiment fearlessly in the kitchen with soups, sauces, international dishes, and timeless recipes. I make my own granola. I make my mom's lasagna. I wear an apron. I'm not afraid of Julia Child's French recipes. That is some serious cooking.

I am a good kind of weird. You know that kind of weird that makes you linger in a conversation just to see what a person will say next? That kind of weird. I do things people my age don't usually do - garden, cook, bake, write, sing... I've been called an "old soul", an "eclectic individual", a "Renaissance woman". I love those titles, and I wear them like badges of honor. Maybe you're a bit weird. I would be okay with that. I would appreciate your weird for what it is. But let's put a qualifier in there - if you're just plain weird as opposed to just a bit of the good kind of weird, then please steer clear. I've had my fair share of real weird, and I'm over it.

I love God like I love nothing else. I sing praises at the top of my lungs whenever the Spirit moves them to come out. If God's not your center, make Him be. He could be our center. He needs to be our center.

To be up front, I am not a good girlfriend, but I want to be. I work too much, move too slow, have been independent too long. I need patience - from people and for people. I don't follow the "play book" well, and if you don't either, then, well, we can struggle through together. It makes it more interesting that way anyway.

I have been waiting for Mr. Right for a good long time now. In fact, I've been praying for him for quite some time, and his family, and our future... Mr. Right, if you are one of the men of the world, please come and find me. Seek me out. Pray for me. And be a good kind of weird with me so we can earn sweet titles together. Men of the world, please be bold, and I will be, too. And one day, you will meet up with me, and it will be exactly as it's supposed to be.

I'm quite the catch, if I do say so myself. You could really end up liking me a lot.

Sincerely Yours,
Lindsey