2) Who has been the greatest influence in your life, and why?

Moving on to question number two... Why even ask this question to a group of eighteen-year-olds? This question helped me to get to know my students quite a bit. It showed me who had broken homes, good or bad parents, older siblings, significant others.... It was a glimpse into a part of their lives that they hold dear. But how would I answer this question?

Certainly, there have been many influential people in my life. I can list off several people who have had that intervention moment that I needed, people that God placed in my life at just the right time for just the right purpose. But who is the greatest influence in my life? Who do I pattern my very existence after? Who do I mimic, learn about, and aspire to be like? For these questions, there is only one answer. Jesus.

Why do I swim against the current of today's writhing and perverted culture? Jesus did that. Why do I strive to work as hard as I can, to do as much good as I can, and to reach as many people as I can? Jesus did. Why do I pray, worship, build relationships, and learn about my heavenly Father? Jesus did all that. I can't think of anyone that I pattern my life more after. And that, I would suppose, is from the influence He's had in my life. My heart has been changed because He owns it. My life takes a different path because He holds it. My forever looks vastly different because He's in it. If that's not influence, I don't know what is.

Now, of course, some may be thinking, Okay, but now answer the question for someone that is alive, in person, and involved in your life now... Okay, fine. The ones that qualify as some earthly influences would have to be my parents. Most of my traits are genetically or environmentally established from them. I watched them as I grew, and I patterned my actions based on what I saw. Even as a grown adult, I find great value in their opinions, feelings, and wisdom. I consult then frequently, and I aspire to be like them in many ways. And that's influence.

Influence can take many shapes in a life. It can be long term and sustained over time as a parent to a child. It can be momentary with lasting effects, a simple gesture, word of advice, action or behavior, that somehow changes you signficantly. It can be eternal in nature, effecting not only this life, but what is waiting on the other side. People have impacted and influenced my life in all of these ways and more, and together they have made me into who I am today as well as who I'm becoming in the future. I praise God for the blessing of active, real influences in my life everyday, whatever form they may take.

1) How's it going?

The time has come to begin answering the many questions I encouraged my class to answer each week during journal time in my class. The first in the series was simply, "How's it going?" I was amazed at the responses this question brought forth. It was not the typical things-are-fine response that I received, but instead, I was offered, from many of my students, a glimpse into their real lives. I learned who had girlfriends back home, who's family was messed up, who had made bad choices recently...

It amazes me the type of response such a simple question can elicit if asked in the correct manner. "How's it going?" in itself would usually just be something asked in passing, offered as something slightly more than "Hello," but with no real added consequence. You'll usually hear people answer, "Good." or "Fine." But rarely will people tell you how they are really doing when asked. Most know that that's not what the asker wants to hear.

There is a huge difference between, "How's it going?" (the type of question asked when passing someone on the street or when you first sit down together over a cup of coffee) and "How's it going?" (the type of question asked with intention to listen to how it's really going, asked with eye contact, care, compassion, and trust, the type of question asked in honesty and vulnerability). I am far too often guilty of asking the former question rather than the latter, breezing by people in life assuming all is well and perhaps I'll catch up with people later. But later rarely comes, and lives remain busy, and we just keep asking shallowly how it's going with no real intention of waiting around for the answer.

Okay, so I haven't really answered the question as I had originally expected my students to, but I think that I really want to focus more on asking (correctly) how things are going for the people in my life rather than answering the question myself. I want to be a part of their lives, and not just out here somewhere (sorry, you'll have to use your imagination of me swinging my arms around "out there" for visual assistance), but in close, where real life takes place, where emotion and honestly and vulnerability live. Somehow, I think that just changing the way I ask, "How's it going?" could potentially drastically affect the relationships in my life. So, next time I see you, I will ask how things are going with you, and hopefully you ask it of me, and let's have a real conversation about our lives, how God is working, how you are changing, what you fear, what you love, what hurts, what brings you joy... I want to know. Really.

One Last Lecture

Class, today I want to provide you with one last lecture. It's not out of the book. It's not even about reading and study skills. There are a few things that have been on the tip of my tongue to say to you all semester long, but I've often stopped them short of spilling out for fear you may not understand, or care, or even listen. But the time has come for me to say these things to you now because I believe that they are things that you need to hear before moving on to next semester or the next endeavor that you aspire to in your life. They're important things that will only help you in your future. They're little things that I've learned over the years that I need to share with you in hopes that you'll take them to heart and apply them to your lives. So, please, please listen up.

First, you get exactly one shot at this. Life, is, of course, what I'm talking about here. We get one and only one shot on earth to do whatever it is we choose to do with it. Now, whether or not you believe in a life after this life on earth, is not necessarily all that important to this conversation. It is important, but not to this point specifically. The point, whether life continues after you die or not, is that you still only get one earthly shot. You get one shot to choose to work or not, to succeed or not, to impact people or not, to be happy or not. And I truly believe these are all choices, not just hands to be dealt to you in a life-sized card game.

You can always choose to go through life relatively unnoticed, ineffective, and unproductive; or you can choose to go through life loudly, making impact where impact can be made, work where there is work to be done... Which is easier? Most likely sitting like the proverbial bump on a log will indeed be the easier choice, but is it the better choice? You have the choice, in this one chance on earth, to build a legacy for yourself. Legacy? What are you talking about, lady? I've never really been one to toot my own horn for the sake of tooting it (go ahead and get your snickers out...yes, I really just used some variation of the word toot twice, no three times, in one sentence). But I do want to build a legacy of love, caring, helping, and joy from my life. If anyone is to remember my time on earth, let it be for those things rather than the alternatives (hate, pain, sorrow, laziness perhaps?).Tell me, how do you want to be remembered?

Second, let's look at the bigger picture, the one that is beyond ourselves and our legacy of our earthly stint. Do you realize that you have the ability to change the world? What? The world doesn't work that way, right? One person can't do much...right? I don't accept excuses, as you know from class, so I won't accept any excuses about your inability to change the world. It works like this: if you accept the first challenge (choosing to build your legacy around the positive, good things of life), then you just need to start with one person. If you can convince that one person that they also need to accept this challenge, then you have, indeed changed the world. If someone like me can affect even one of you in this class to look at life a little differently, to change your perspective for the better, even just slightly, then I have directly had a hand in changing or altering the course of your life. If I can change your life, you can change another, and they can change another, and we change the world. Do you believe it?

Third, and this point relates back to the first point, I suppose, is that life is hard. It's true. Don't let anyone sugar-coat that too much for you. Being an adult is hard, and choosing a positive, life-changing perspective doesn't make it a whole lot easier. And it doesn't get easier as you gain any amount of newfound knowledge or profound wisdom. And it doesn't get easier with more money, more friends, or more possessions. But if there's one thing I've really learned this year, it's that hard does not always have to equal bad. In fact, I would argue that most things in life that are good are indeed hard, and many things that are hard are indeed good. It's in the hard things that we often learn the most valuable lessons, and it's in the learning of those lessons that we grow and change.

Lastly, use your manners. Really, lady? What do manners have to do with anything? Well, I would argue that they have a lot to do with a lot. Manners make your parents, grandparents, and people that are closest to you proud. Manners give off a great first impression. Manners will impress the ladies, men. Trust me on that one. Say please and thank you. Open doors. Give up your seat for someone. Say excuse me. Smile at strangers. And do it just because. I honestly don't even have any sound logic or profound reasoning for this one. Just do it because it's good and right to do.

Ladies and gentlemen, please don't waste your life away choosing to do nothing with it. Please don't leave the world the same way you found it when you entered it. Change people's lives. Change the world. Live passionately. And do good. Please.

And I hope that in this class that is so seemingly basic, so elementary and limited in scope, that I have taught you a thing or two about life, living, and things that are good...as well as study skills, reading comprehension, and vocabulary words. Know that when I look at you, I see the very future of this world (corny, I know, but it's true). Go forth. Be good. Class dismissed.

Class Questions

This semester, I asked my class to write in journals in class every week. I enjoyed very much reading these, so I thought that perhaps I would also write on all of the topics that were assigned. Here's the list I'll be tackling in the near future:

1) How's it going?
2) Who has been the greatest influence in your life, and why?
3) Why are you here?
4) What makes you happy?
5) If you were a dessert, what would you be, and why?
6) What is your biggest pet peeve(s)?
7) What are you most afraid of?
8) What have you learned so far this semester, and how do you know?
9) Write about anything.
10) What are you thankful for?
11) If I had a million dollars...
12) I am unique because...
13) The thing I do best is...
14) Right now, I want to...
15) How do you want to be remembered?

These were just fun topics that were selected for students to practice their writing skills, reflect on some good things, and participate in class. I look forward to writing on them all soon.

In the Year Two Thousand and Nine...

2009. Wow. I know I say this every year, but it sure is hard to believe that yet another year is drawing quickly to a close. But this year, I can sit down and write a whole new kind of year-in-review. What changed? Well, I'm not 100% sure, but one thing I know - my heart has been changed. Perhaps I have just grown older and wiser or perhaps God has been working on me all along.

For the past few years, I have been writing "I can't believe the year is gone" entries, testaments to the blur of the over-packed, under-appreciated, over-stressed days flurrying by, leaving me in some nearly unrecognizable state of exhaustion and exasperation. Over and over, I've vowed to "never have another year like this one," which is usually immediately followed by "another year like that one." There have been so many memories lost in the shuffle; great moments past by and viewed as only slightly better than survivable; smiles and laughter buried by worry, details, and to-do lists.

This year, I feel like I can finally take a deep breath, take a glimpse back at the year gone by, and take joy in how it has been spent rather than just how it was survived. Has it been any less busy than any other year? I would argue not, but I would argue that how my heart responds has been altered, or perhaps healed, in such a way that I am no longer required to just survive life. I can enjoy life.

Has this been the perfect year? Certainly not. Has it been without struggles, temptations, or hardships? No. Have I "enjoyed" every moment of this year? I think you can probably guess the answer there. But how dare I discredit the countless blessings of God with the trials and troubles that come with all of the good. How dare I focus on money being tighter than I'd like it to be, or working hours being longer than I want them to be, or my on-again-off-again battle with being a single twenty-six year old woman, or any of that. Sure, it's all been there this year, but is that what will define my year? How dare I let it come even close.

Look at all of the blessings (I wish I had a better word there, for something that feels even better than a blessing...), that God has lavishly given to me - material blessings, heart growth, relationships...

I have a home, a car, and a Master's degree, all of which I've somehow been able to afford. I have food, heat, furniture, all of which keep me comfortable on a daily basis. I have a job that is also a mission field, a vocation of highest calling to serve and glorify God in every interaction. I have friends, new and old, that I can rely on through the good and the bad. I have been given wise and beautiful, strong and faithful women, my mom included, that provide me with godly examples of how to grow and mature into this life; I cherish these relationships beyond words. I've been given a tender heart, one that loves, hurts, senses, guides...a heart that is so full of raw emotion, yet a heart that is somehow calm amidst it all.

Looking back upon this past year, I can't even really believe what has all transpired. I've done things I didn't know I was even capable of doing. I bought a house (seriously, wow), remained in love with my job, completed a Master's degree then nearly immediately became a college professor, made friends with my neighbors, got (at least little) healthier.... Wow. What a brilliant year!

Oh yes, this has truly been a wonderful year, one that can't even really be adequately wrapped up in any sort of year-in-review write-up. It can't be fully reflected upon or digested, despite my best efforts and intentions to do so. No, perhaps this year just has to be, well...enjoyed...just as it is.

Father God, thank you, thank you for the incredible gift of this past year. I sing your praises louder than ever for the many blessings, lessons, and gifts You've given to me...whether I deserve them or not. You've been working on my heart for so long, never losing patience. Father, I will tell of Your great works in my life forever. No one deserves any glory but You. I will boast and brag about You, and only You, at every opportunity. What a year, what a gift, what a God You are.

Lights

It's hard to believe that today is December 1st already. Time flies by so fast anymore. I've said it before, but time goes faster each year we grow older. Just about the time we learn to appreciate little moments and memories and the time we're spending, time goes by too fast to even remember. There have been several years of my life that have just literally disappeared. They're years that I can't remember because I was so busy doing things that I forgot to appreciate or soak up one single solitary moment in it all. But this year...ooh, this is starting to sound a lot like my traditional annual year-in-review post...which I'm not fully prepared to write as of today, so I'll get back to the point that I initially wanted to make.

It's December. Lights are going up on houses all over town (including mine). Trees are going up in front windows covered in sparkle, lights, and ornaments (including mine). And although it seems that winter is not yet officially upon us with the extreme lack of snow on the ground or even flurrying in the air, the excitement and anticipation of the coming of Christmas surely has been building anyway.

The lights on my house glisten bright in the dark, long nights of the winter season. But to me, they represent so much more than just a little extra light to brighten the dark neighborhood. On the night Jesus was born, a bright star led the way of the shepherds and kings that were called to the tiny barn that He was born in. Angels sang in the sky to the shepherds in their dark fields, no doubt lighting up the sky in a display that must have been simply unimaginable. The first Christmas night was filled with light as the Light of the World came to us. The lights on my rooftop, on my tree, and throughout my house are certainly nothing close to what the light of that night must have been, but they are, nonetheless, a reminder of exactly why we celebrate Christmas to begin with - the Light of the World.

So, until Christmas night, I wait in quiet anticipation for the night that represents the glorious night that Jesus came to us in the only form He could have in order to save us, a tiny, helpless baby. A baby, but still God. And although I probably won't see angels singing inspired songs in the sky or a brilliant star high in the sky, my heart is still guided, just as the shepherds' and kings' hearts were guided, directly to the Light of the World.

Gratitude and Greed

In a season of Thanksgiving, it is only natural to be reflective of all of those things that are counted as blessings in our lives, to ponder all of those things, great and small, that make life wonderful, enchanting, and rich. A major portion of my current life is quite obviously my work. It's where I spend the vast majority of my time, where my energy and passions are poured out; it is my very calling in life at this time, in this place. For this place, I am more than thankful.  

I'm grateful for the opportunity to have work at all. With times the way they are, there are many today that struggle and fight to even be or remain employed. Not only do have work, I have a true career with endless opportunities to dabble in areas of interest, expand professional experiences, teach, mentor, create new initiatives... In less than two years, I have grown immensely in my profession, more so than I ever thought possible. I'm so grateful for the uncommon experience I have been blessed with.

I am grateful for the mission of this place, that it is so much more than just a place to receive an education for our students. It's a place, instead that is trying to build up, inspire, and guide young adults into fruitful lives of purpose. It is a place that believes in and supports those that much of the world casts aside. How wonderful to have a deeper reason for working as an individual besides the paycheck, a deeper reason for existing as a university besides just providing diplomas.

I'm so grateful for the relationships I've developed here. The professionals that work beside me are a group of wonderful people, people of purpose that have vision and hopes for the future of their work. With so much of my time being spent at my work, my colleagues are also my primary social circle, and I can't think of people that I'd rather spend a lot of my time with. I'm so thankful for the friendships I have developed here.

Although my heart is overwhelmed by this place, what it has done for my life, and what it has done for so many around me, and although I am extremely thankful for the many blessing I have received from merely being associated with this place, part of my heart is still left longing. It's left yearning for something more. This is a strange feeling for me since thankfulness has, in my experience, typically led to contentment, but content I am not. I am left desiring more for this place - not more from this place but more for this place. I want programs to be better; student support to be more invasive; more resources to be able to effectively manage faculty and staff loads, program offerings, and new initiatives; a stronger mission; a bolder campus community faith effort...

All of these desires leave me with a feeling of greed, not contentment. How can a place that has given me so much still need so much? How can I look on this place with frustration and exhaustion after all it has blessed me and others with? The fact of the matter is that I simply do not know. Perhaps it is my gratitude that is driving my greed...because I am thankful, I must continue to fight for something even better - not for my benefit or success, but for the benefit and success of so many that are deserving of it.

Whatever it is, I cannot deny how much I have changed and grown because of this place. It is my sincere hope that there are countless others who feel the same way. It is for them that I fight and battle for more for this place.

I Should Throw a Party

Today, friends and faithful readers (however few of you there may be), marks a fairly momentous occasion....in my blogging life anyway. My most recent post about marriage, posted earlier today was my 200th post on my blog. I quick look back reminds me that I have been blogging on this very site for three and a half years. Wow.

Much of the three and half years has been a blur, although it seems that most recently, I've finally started to realize the pure joy that is to be found in loving life rather than just surviving it. And although I am certainly tempted to take a grandiose look back over that entire history of written thoughts, feelings, actions, frustrations, joys, fears, and goofy stories, I will spare you the recap...for today at least. I'll leave you hanging in suspense until the annual year in review post that usually quickly follows New Year's Day.

However, the thought of 200 posts, most of which fall into the category of miscellany, has caused me to ponder the effect that all of my ramblings thus far as well as the potential for effect far into the future. Have people been touched through my words? Is God working through my frustrations to help others in my same situations? Have I given someone a laugh when they perhaps needed it most? Who will look back over all of these trivial notes and minuscule moments, the very thing that has transformed from just a way to fill time into a place for my heart to live on paper (or on a screen, as the case may be)? Will my children or grandchildren someday read this as a chronicle of their crazy mother or grandmother's journeys through life? Will they think me a fool or will I prove wiser? Will these silly postings outlive me and carry on some message to those far down my family line?

I never set out originally on this bloggiful journey to change lives, impact hearts, or even to glorify God. At first, it was simply to be able to tell a story. But as I grew, and as I continue to grow and learn and mature and (hopefully) become wiser, this spec in space has become so much more. I honestly don't know who's following along. And I'm not sure I'll ever know what type of impact something like a semi-public jumble of thoughts and feelings tucked away in an unseen corner of the internet will have, but it is my honest hope that God can somehow be glorified by it all, and that He can truly use it all for good.

So if you're following along, thanks for three and half great years and 200 (make that 201 after you've finished reading this) posts of sharing so far. Here's to many, many more to come.

You know what? I think I will throw that party. A glass of red wine and a little soft music will do just fine before I crawl into bed for the night. Man, 200 feels pretty darn good.

Marriage - A New Perspective

In reading an article recently given to me by a friend and mentor entitled The Case for Early Marriage, exactly one sentence stood out to me in a way that the rest of the article failed to do: "What most young adults fail to realize is that marriage is a formative institution not an institution to be entered into once one is fully formed." Hold on here a second. Why have I never thought of marriage in this way before? I mean, it really never crossed my mind that it may actually work this way.

Ever since I was little, marriage was what you got to do when you were all grown up, when you had it all together, when you "arrived" and became the person you would be for the rest of your life. And even as an adult, I continued to think this way. I blamed others in a relationship for not having all together (as if I ever did), and dumped many a nice man just for that.

But what I have come to learn is that I don't have it all together yet. And what's more, I'll never be able to get to the point where I have "arrived." Ta da! I'm all grown up! Life is all about growing, changing, a continual path of formation and transformation, growing ever closer to and gaining knowledge of God, others, and self (in that order). And marriage is choosing to do all of that with another person. And just like growth and change for one person is messy and unpredictable and confusing and hard work, I know that marriage will be all of this as well, and that's how it was designed.

Although I am tempted to look back on every relationship that I ended because they didn't have it all together, and in truth, neither did I, I mustn't. God would have steered my heart back to the one planned for me, or maybe He will still. The call will be unignorable. Something tells me I will not miss it. So, with this new found knowledge, I can only look ahead to future relationships. Dating and marriage is in itself formative. It's a choice to grow and change with someone else. I've been praying for my husband as long as I've known I could, and I know that God will bless me as He sees fit, married or not. And I need to be content in that.

Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

In the past few weeks, as incredibly as it may sound, I have been sassed (yes, I said sassed) by two separate alumni at two separate events on campus. I have the following issues with this:

1) You're a grown adult. You have fully developed sensors in your brain that let you know what is appropriate and what is not. Please employ them before speaking to me in a disrespectful or degrading tone.

2) You're not a student here anymore. As an alum of the University of Dubuque, I realize that you have several rights - you can be on campus, you can participate in some specific alumni-tailored events, and you can give all the money you'd like to the University to use for the benefit of our students. This does not, however, give you the privilege to show up uninvited or unannounced and proceed to think, talk, and act negatively toward an employee of the University (that would be me).

3) You're a grown adult. Oh, did I say that one already? Right. Well, I just wanted to make sure there was no confusion. I am also a grown adult. It doesn't really matter if you're older than me or even if you have more history at the University than I do. I am an employee of the University and a human being, both of which deserve at least a shred of respect. I'm not even asking you to like me, just don't treat me like I'm dirt.

Okay, well, I just needed to get that off my chest. One moment of disrespect probably would have rolled off my shoulders, but two in a few weeks' time was just getting ridiculous. And don't get me wrong. Typically, I love alumni. I think they are a great resource, hold many historic treasures from years gone by, and they can be fun. But, apparently, sometimes they can also be jerks. If you happen to be a UD alum, feel free to approach me with any ideas you may have for the improvement of the campus or just to say hello, unless you are going to act like a child or like you've got something to prove. Then you can just stay away. Thanks.

A Parent's Heart

Mothers and fathers, I do not yet fully know how you do it. I'm not a parent, but I have come to understand at least a tiny glimpse of the heart of a parent. At first, my students were just my students, then they were something more lovely, like a sibling or an old friend, but then, something unexpected happened. My students became my children.

And what I'm realizing, as time goes by, is that the love of a parent can be immensely painful. As it well should be. To have your heart walking around outside of your body, it can be a beautiful, wonderful thing. But your heart is sure to take a beating without any protection. When one of your children is hurting, your heart is hurting. When one of your children is missing, your heart seems to stop altogether until they return.

Over the past few days, I have experienced the pain of love as some of my own have been hurting, have hurt me, and one was even missing for a short time that seemed to go on forever. I have been a "parent" for all of a few years, and I cannot for the life of me figure out how this kind of love can go on for a lifetime.

It's a strange thing, the love-pain of a parent. The love of a child is so strong that it makes any of the pain completely worth it.

How much greater must our Father's love-pain be for us. How much more must God look at us, believing we are worth it. What a wonderful heart to have my own heart patterned after.

Thank You, Father, for the mystery of a parent's heart and love. And thank You for giving me a parent's heart before actually becoming a parent. Help me to love the children you have entrusted me in the way You have designed me to. It was worth it to send your Son for me, your child. In echo, it is worth it for me to pour Your love into Your children. What a love. What a love.

Choices and Excuses

I don't really want to hear it anymore. Really, I just don't. I'm pretty done with excuses from everyone....myself included. It's easy to make excuses, but I've come to learn that it's pretty tough to really, seriously back them up.

When it boils all the way down, excuses are an attempt to make up for our choices, however good or bad those choices may have been. When you say, I don't have my textbook with me because I just came from the doctor, what you really mean is, I chose to leave my book at home before leaving for the doctor. When you say, I honestly don't have the time to even look at this before next week, (and I'm just as guilty as the next person of this one) what you really are saying is, I have chosen to over-commit myself in too many things for me to take care of this. When you say, I can't, what you're most likely saying is, I choose not to.

Please don't misunderstand me here. I get it. Life can be hard. I've been through one of the toughest stretches of my life in the last few years. Sometimes circumstances are not what you expect. Things get a little out of hand. And suddenly you're in over your head. But please don't just sit there and blame the circumstances. If you're failing a class, quit something extracurricular or drop a class or take fewer hours at work. If you can't handle a role you are in, step down and let someone else take over. Make a choice to change your circumstance.

Tonight, I obviously sat through a few rough meetings, heard my fair share of excuses. Not knowing what else to do, I simply sat patiently and waited for the meetings to adjourn wondering what in the world would be appropriate to say. Nothing came to mind, so the meeting ended, and I got up and left. What could I say? I just hope I can lead by strong enough example to teach them through my actions rather than the inspired words that never come...

Retention?

The background or origin of this story doesn't really matter, and I'm certainly not writing this to slander anyone's name or political ideals. But I do have a slight beef with the disturbing news that I have just received.

The long and the short of it is that collaboration between the three Dubuque colleges/universities has been discouraged. The reason? What if one of those other schools snags one of our students during the collaboration?

Well, what if they do?

Doesn't it seem that as a school, you'd want to step up and just be better than other schools, thus enticing those other schools' students to your own rather than just blocking any major interactions between the schools to prevent student stealing? I mean, if we're really worried about our students falling in love with the other schools, it seems to me that we are nervous that we, in fact, are not the better of the three schools, that perhaps we're lacking something that they have that may call our students to migration.

To me, this is a problem. I'm over here fighting and fighting to make students' experiences the very best they can be...with little support, little funding, and little resources. Where's everybody else? Are they fighting with me? Some days it certainly feels as though they are fighting against me. Well, those of us who are here fighting would love to stand up and say we are indeed the best, but it will take more than just the few of us. It will take all of us truly investing in our students' lives, experiences, and futures. It will take all of us working to improve the culture, environment, and temperament of campus. Without complete buy in from everyone, we are just like any other school...

If anyone from UD is reading this (which, I know there are only a few, if any), this is my rallying cry out to you - dig in to our students. Love them. Spend time with them. Work hard for them - harder than you think you should. Because without you, we simply cannot be the best. We will always be looking over our shoulder with paranoia wondering who might creep on to our campus and steal a student or two. But with you, we can put our worries to rest, knowing that this is where students want to be.

Stupid Human Nature

Stupid human nature. What is wrong with you? Why do you always feel the need to do what you're not supposed to do? To worship things you're not supposed to worship? To fight fights that shouldn't be fought? What is wrong with you?

Just about the time I'm settled into myself, you come knocking on the door... Hey, remember me? Yeah, I know you said you were good being single, but you and I both know you were just saying that. Oh, and those thoughts you thought you shook out of your brain that you knew you shouldn't be thinking, they weren't really that bad, were they? I'm just sayin'. Sigh. Stupid human nature.

Stupid human nature, I question your motives. It's like you're trying to bring me down. You are the one, aren't you, that whispers in my ear about things that I want to put to rest? Things like being alone, working too hard, judging people too harshly...I could go on and on, and you know that. You are against me. You are my enemy.

I want to fight you off, knock you out, yell and scream at you for being so stupid. But there's one little thing that stops me in my tracks today. You are me, and I am you. There's no separating us, no matter how hard I try. As long as I'm here on earth, you are too, and I can't get away from you. Sigh.

But there are a few things I know today, stupid human nature. A few things that you need to hear so there is no question as to where we stand. My God is bigger and more powerful than you. You can keep doing those stupid things that you do, but God is bigger than all of that. My God loves me even with you around. That's right. There's nothing you can do to take God's love away from me. He is without condition in His gift of love. Not even you can be a condition that effects God's love for me.

I will, undoubtedly, have to fight you all my life on earth. You will probably not ever stop whispering in my ear or doing all the stupid things that you do, stupid human nature, but there is a glorious forgiveness that rains down on me even when you are at your stupidest. We are forgiven, you and me. I am trying to wrap my head around how big and wonderful that is. You will probably never understand it.

Holy Father, thank You, thank You for loving me even with my stupid human nature that I am bound to in this life. Thank You for Your forgiveness, love, and blessings despite this stupid human nature weight I drag around. Will I ever understand how great You are?

A Little Foolin'

Since I arrived at the University of Dubuque nearly a year and a half ago (wow, a year and a half already?), I have been working hard to convince students that I'm a little older and wiser than I really am. There's just something about still being considered in the same generation as my students that bothers me slightly. I'm not sure if it's the perception of authority I like to think I've got when viewed as older and wiser or or if I feel like they just won't take me seriously if I'm not old enough to be an "adult." I just don't know.

But with the rapid approach of my one and only golden birthday (26 on the 26th), I realized yesterday, that in a few short years, I'll most likely be doing anything in my power to convince students that I'm actually younger than I am. You know...probably around the time I hit that big milestone...30. And what is up with that exactly? How can 26 seem so young, inexperienced, green, and 30 seem so old, mature, and wise?

For whatever it is, I guess I'm sticking with it. I've been working hard not to share that it's my golden birthday to students this week, letting them think I'm older and wiser than I am...and I will probably continue to do this for the next three years. And perhaps, after four years or so, I'll have to reevaluate and redefine what constitutes as old, wise, mature, and experienced...but for now, I'll stick to foolin'.

Oh, Yes. I Should Have.

Part of me says, No, you shouldn't have done that. You spent a whole night away from work. You still need to sort through that pile of paperwork. What about that quiz you promised your students tomorrow? But you know what? Yes, I should have. I should have taken the one night a week I get off at a normal time and used it for myself. And do you know what? It was exactly what I needed.

I spent tonight in the kitchen instead of at work. I grabbed that half bushel of apples that I had sitting on the counter and started cutting, boiling, mashing, and stirring. Seven little containers later, my heart was content that I had made enough applesauce for a few days. But tonight turned out to be about way more than apples. Tonight was about magic - the magic that my kitchen is capable of in my life.

Kitchens have always been central to life, as long as I can remember. It's where Grandma Konken and Aunt Myra and Mom prepared Sunday lunch and washed Sunday lunch dishes. It's where recipes were created and handed down. It's where glorious smells emanate conjuring memories from earliest recollection. It's where every party or gathering I can ever remember always ended up congregating. And it's where I find my nerves back at the end of a long day or week.

Tonight reminded me of all of that, and in made me smile - not just the I'm-smiling-on-the-inside type of smile, no - an actual contented grin. My kitchen is a disaster, with every square inch of everything covered in sticky apple goo, but I made applesauce, by myself, for the first time, just as my Grandma made so much of it for us grandkids for as long as I can remember.

Tonight also brought to mind images of the future - my daughters (or sons) and I gathered around the stew kettle smelling the rich smell of cooking apples, passing on the very recipes that my Mom and Grandma passed on to me...and not just applesauce. Pies, desserts, casseroles, cinnamon rolls, dinner feasts, Thanksgiving turkeys...

So, do I feel bad that I took off early from work, blew off a few responsibilities that I should have taken care of? For this experience? Certainly not. Because now my heart is full again, my energy is up again, and I'm ready to face whatever tomorrow throws at me.

Who knew a kitchen could do all of that?

Oh, October

It's months like October that really wear me out. Now, if you've read back through any of my fairly recent posts such as No Life...Well, Not Exactly or A Little Braggin', you know full well that I love to work, and I love my job. I love that it is exactly what I've been created to do with my life right now, but, quite honestly, there are limits to what a person can do. And October pushes me to my very limits.

I really struggle with life balance (clearly), but I struggle with this because it is a real internal battle for me. My head and heart wrestle with wanting to work because I've been entrusted with the work and it is good to do or taking a break because rest is a normal and required thing for human beings but knowing that in that rest the work will suffer or remain undone. And frankly, I feel sort of bad either way. I feel bad if I work too much because I know I'm wearing myself out and making myself less useful in the future, but I feel just as bad if I don't work as hard as I can and programs suffer and fall through the cracks.

I put a lot of pressure on myself to make sure that things are as good as I can possibly make them especially with the knowledge that some parts of campus culture are in rough shape right now. I know that if someone is going to fight for the lives and hearts of the students on this campus, it needs to be me. If I'm not, how can I convince anyone else to fight with me? How can I rally the forces if I'm lying on the couch?

But a part of me keeps thinking ahead. What will my life look like in a few years at this pace? Will I still be single or will I have found my love? Will I still work fourteen hour days, six day weeks or will there be help? Will I want something, some desire outside of this place or will my heart still lie squarely with the purpose I've been given today? I don't know. I don't know about any of it. But I do know that a normal family life someday will not be possible with the status quo.

It is at this point of the post that I have to inhale and exhale a deep sigh with the realization that I have not and probably will not resolve this internal battle tonight.

Despite all of this mind and heart wrestling that I find myself constantly in the midst of, I somehow still have a just a little peace. My peace lies in the fact that God is in control, whatever the situation may be, no matter how tired I get, how high the work piles. Does it make the month of October any easier? No. Frankly, I'm still pooped. But it makes it tolerable enough to fight through to keep on doing what I'm meant to do.

Do Anything

How many times can a heart get broken? How many times can it be picked up off the floor and sewn back together with stitches of hope? I sometimes wonder how many times I have left, as if there is some sort of countdown that I'm nearing the end of, but I am thankful that I was created with a heart after God's own heart - a strong heart that can heal again and again.
My job has become pretty much the definition of my life at this point. People are defined by all sorts of roles - mother, child, wife, student... Right now, I am defined by what I do, which is work to change lives in a setting that fosters change, growth, and the building up of young adults. And I will say, as I get started here, that I love the opportunity that I've been given. I love it. I have never looked at my role with disdain or disgrace. I am honored and joyful and humbled to be able to serve in the role I've been given. But it is an overwhelming responsibility most days. It's a responsibility that just seems too big to handle.

As silly as it seems, Greek life at UD has burdened me and broken my heart more than once this year. For most, it would seem a little silly because, whether a part of Greek culture or not in one's life, everyone has some sort of mental picture of what it all entails - parties, doing silly things, fee structures, uniformed colors and clothing... And sure, I would agree that it is most of those things. But it has the potential to be so much more. So much more.

Greek life, as I've come to know it over the past year and a half, is about lifelong relationships. It's about being a part of something that is bigger than yourself. It's about serving the community and the campus that you are a member of. It is about stretching personal boundaries, and growing, and changing, and learning, and leading. Or at least that's what it's set up to be.

I am constantly surprised by how little students are willing to acknowledge these facts, but more importantly, take advantage of them. Here is a system placed before you, free for the taking, that is asking you only to do great things with your life...not alone, but with others, in a unity that is rare to be found anywhere else. It is a system set up to give students power and authority to accomplish dreams and ambitions, to positively affect those around them, to build relationships, and to have fun while doing it all. But when students look at this feast that is set before them, for most, all they see is the hard work, effort, time, and commitment that is being asked of them, and instead of grasping it and enjoying it to the fullest, they are looking past it or around it to see if there's something a little less daunting. It's like being offered a giant platter of lobster but choosing to just drink the dipping butter in the cup beside it. The butter's a lot less work to take in even if it is much less rewarding or satisfying.

But possibly the most painful crack in my heart stems from the flat out rejection of a very clear offer that I have placed on the table before these students time and time again. The offer? DO ANYTHING. That's right. DO ANYTHING. You have the power, the authority, and the very opportunity to do whatever you want. Anarchy, you say? Certainly this is not what I, the avid planner and organizer of a thousand details, intend. I simply mean that if you want something, you need to be willing to fight for it, be committed to the cause, to work toward it, and to accomplish it. Push the limits of what you think you can do. Test the waters and the rules and systems set up around you. No one is saying that it's all set in stone. Maybe you have a better way. Show me. Maybe you have a bigger plan. Prove it. Get organized, get focused, and hit the ground running doing things you never thought were even possible because they are.

But most of this offer gets pushed aside, and apathetic students filter into classrooms and out of classrooms, into meetings and planning sessions and out of them, giving little thought to the power and authority and potential they are leaving behind. Did you hear it? Another crack in the walls of my already broken heart.

Please don't give up the chance to do something great. Please don't ignore the call of your heart to something greater and bigger and more important than yourself. Seize potential and knock down anything in your way. All the work is worth it. All the fight is for something. It's not in vain. Is anybody listening? Did anyone hear my plea? I won't give up either, you know. I won't just let my argument die because even with a broken heart, I know first hand that it is worth it. I have dreamed, reached, fought, grew, learned, lead, served...and I will not stop. Even one life changed makes it all worth it for me.

So, I guess I pick up the broken pieces of my shattered heart one more time. I sew it back together with a little hope that I have indeed made a difference, that someone has indeed heard me, and that I will indeed change the world. My heart will mend, and most assuredly be broken again. But it will never cease to be worth it.

Letting Go

This past week was a true testament of how far I've come since the first year of my job at UD. Homecoming came about last week, and although I was relatively ready for all of the activities and events that were to ensue, I certainly didn't expect what would happen.

I got sick.

It seems silly. Most people can get sick and just leave work, but for so much of what I do, I'm the only one with the play book, the only one with the notes or descriptions of what should happen. That's not to toot my own horn, but rather just to say that I work generally solo in my one-man-department.

Monday I was so sick, I didn't really care about what was supposed to happen for activities. I tried to get into work and get a few things done, but after two short hours, I was zapped. Tuesday, I didn't get in at all. Wednesday I made it in for a few hours. I was miserable, uncomfortable, and hungry. I wasn't ever really sure if I was going to make it to any events all week long. How terrible. One of the biggest weeks of my work-life, and I'm not there? How could this happen?

Well, in all of this, I realized how much I've learned about letting go of things. I had to let go of this week, like it or not, in order to heal. I had two choices when it came down to it: freak out and stress about it or just plain let it go. And, against my very nature, I chose to let go. And thank God! What a good choice! I can't control when I get sick or how long I am out, but I can control how I react.

Letting go, I think, shows growth, maturity, and experience. I feel blessed to be able to gain this valuable experience in my job. It has really changed me for the better, shaping me into the person God has created me to be. So, although this week as difficult, I'm glad to have gone through this week just as I have, sickness and all. It reminds me that God is good. So good.

A Free Slave

Can one be free and be a slave at the same time? Intuitively, you want to answer no. I want to answer no, too, but I'm learning that perhaps, as a Christian, they go hand in hand.

What does it mean to be a slave? It is something along the lines of surrendering your own will, desires, and intentions to another. And, as Christians, isn't that what we're called to do? We're told to die to ourselves, to surrender our wills to God's, to lay down those things that hold us back or drive us away from God. We're asked to willingly become slaves of our Creator.

And somehow, paradoxically, in the very same moment that we become enslaved, we are simultaneously freed. How can this be? We give up our own will only to be given something that is full, and open, and free, and wonderful. We are given rules and the Law, but these do not bind us into a tight, confined space. These rules are not meant to oppress. We are handed rules from a loving Father, just as our earthly fathers give us when we're young, so that we can learn and grow. And when we can be trusted with these rules, we are allowed more freedom. Just as parents trust children to be alone in the house, stay out later, and travel farther as they prove trust, so God gives us more freedom as we prove our trustworthiness with what has been given us.

It is a circle, it seems. You must be a slave to be free. You must be trusted with little before you can be trusted with much. How glorious and complex our God is, and I am overjoyed to be His free slave and so grateful to be trusted.