Brokenness

Today's sermon was extremely timely (it can be found here). In fact, many things have been timely in my life right now...

The past few months have been filled with burdens, hardship, and an overwhelming sense of there just being too much to deal with. I felt in constant battle with myself trying to figure out life and how to balance everything. I had built up frustrations and all sorts emotions that I felt I was losing control of. What was I doing wrong? Life didn't seem this hard before. Not only was I frustrated with myself, I was beginning to get angry with God. God, why are you doing this to me? Can't you make it better?

But God never promised an easy life with Him. In fact, He let us know up front that this life would be full of trials, hardship, and struggles. But why? 2 Corinthians 4:7 spells it out pretty simply, "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us." We are vessels easily broken to show that it is God and not us. We are completely and utterly dependent upon God.

So, I have been reminded today that the brokenness that I have felt, and others have plainly noticed, has not been in vain. It was a time to be used as a reminder, not only for me, but for others, that God needs to be in control. And, frankly, I'm thankful for the reminder.

The Fight

I wanted to run away. I wanted to yell, "No! Stop! Don't go on. I'll still pay you for the show if you just quit now." He wasn't funny. My heart was breaking as he continued on stage. What are we teaching?

Tonight's comedian on campus was, as you can imagine, somewhat less than wholesome, and I was embarrassed and crushed that that's what we ask our students to come and enjoy. All of his jokes were about sex, sexuality, appearance, race...every nasty and foul word in the book was said, even after I asked that he not use one specific foul word. We paid money for this? I am sickened.

On the drive home tonight, I couldn't help but reflect on how much damage had been done. We actually offered credit for a class for students to come to this garbage. I feel so ashamed.

As of late, I have felt more and more called into the position I have been placed. I was called to the University of Dubuque to offer what God has given me to change the world one student at a time. I have high expectations of students and try to teach them what God has taught me. It is a daily fight to get through to students who may or may not have ever heard the Word of God. And so quickly, so easily, it feels as if it has all come undone. All the effort, all of the prayers, all of the lessons. One guy can come and just seemingly undo it all.

The good news in all of this, however, is that Satan's power through this nasty little comedian is, at best, fleeting. God's power in these students' lives is eternal. So, although I am embarrased and discouraged tonight, tomorrow I come back fighting the cause that God created me to fight....because I know He can win. He has already won.

Political Apprehensions

I have to admit that this year's race to the presidency has had me a little anxious. I read up on the candidates, felt fairly knowledgeable on the main issues, and really actually had an interest in politics and the political process. None of those things made me particularly anxious. My issues lay in trying to decide what my beliefs are not who's beliefs I will follow. Sounds silly right?

I was raised a Christian girl, and I firmly hold to those beliefs, but oh, how I wish it was that simple. Take the issue of abortion for example. And please don't flog me for my opinions at the moment. I believe that abortion is bad. It's real bad. I would never - ever - have an abortion under any circumstance. But what about victims of rape or incest? How can I decide for them that they should keep that baby? Impossible for me to imagine the feelings associated with something so terrible. And think of the travesty that would take place for those that would get abortions anyway. The only place to turn when abortion is illegal is back allies or basements with unqualified surgeons...

To reiterate here, I'm not saying that I think we should make it legal either. That would give those with no excuse an excuse to end a human life. I know it's wrong, but....

See my issue here?

Here's another example. Gay marriage. Again, I don't enjoy public floggings so much, so please just let me throw some thoughts out there... Some states are beginning to recognize gay marriage and equal partnership for heterosexual and homosexual couples. I know that I believe that being gay is wrong, but didn't Jesus love people anyway? I know and love gay people. In my mind, there is a difference between a Biblical marriage and a legal marriage. On this issue, I'm actually pretty sure that I fall toward the allowance of gay marriage and gay couple rights. But is it right?

So, my head is convoluted with all of this right and wrong. Part of me thinks that this nation was founded on the principles of religious tolerance. Settlers came to this land wanting something more than persecution for their beliefs. Shall we now persecute those that don't believe the same as us? And part of me thinks that if everything is relative and there is no absolute truth, then we have nothing to stand on and nothing to fight for. Shall I compromise my beliefs and allow the nation to fall into a shallowness of anti-belief and relativism?

And let's not forget issues of terrorism, war, health care, the economy, employment, poverty, taxes....

So, I am anxious. I am anxious to see what our nation will look like when I have children and even grandchildren. I am anxious to see if I even get to keep my job or the pay that I get for the next year.

When asked on Wednesday if my candidate won, I simply responded, "Um...ask me again in a year or two; I'll let you know."

The Search and the Slumlords

As many of you know, I have been searching for a new place to live since my recently new employment at the University of Dubuque. Now, I'd ordinarily probably keep my little Belmont apartment, but with the crazy hours and days that I work, I'm getting rather sick of driving back and forth in the middle of the night. Do you have any idea how much deer and raccoon carnage there is going on during this season? Gross.

So, I've been pretty diligent in the last two or three weeks to put myself out there and truly search. I had been "searching" before that, but not very hard or for very long at a time...I can't say it's my favorite thing to do. And in the last few weeks, I have probably seen the best and the worst of what this ridiculous town has to offer. I have seen the downtown, the uptown, the west side, historic districts, the Point district, the Grandview district, college neighborhoods, and slums. I have seen one bedrooms, two bedrooms, a three bedroom, a warehouse, a studio, old houses, apartment complexes, duplexes, tri-plexes, four-plexes, and even a penthouse. I've talked with rehab project enthusiasts, general managers, kind old women, and a few jerks. And, I am sad to report, my thirst for a decent home has still not been quenched...not even close.

Well, I was close...twice. Once I was down on Main and witnessed my dream apartment being snatched out from underneath me as I was second in line for a lease, and once on South Grandview with the same outcome, only perhaps the place was a little less dreamy.

Oh, the stories I have for you my friends...

The first big shocker was seeing the warehouse. This place was not advertised. I just happened to call someone who had an availability down in the warehouse district...the up and coming sweet spot for the young professionals in the area (scoff). It was going for $550 a month and it was huge, 3000 square feet. I was impressed and perhaps a little delusional, so I asked to see it without asking any other questions.

We stood outside the place, in the agreed upon location for probably fifteen minutes or so before Handy Andy stepped out and asked if we needed any help. Nice. He graciously offered to show us the apartment. We went up some stairs to the second floor and he rolled open the big freight door. Wow, just like the movies... Inside we found a huge expanse of a room...the floors were warehouse floors, the walls, warehouse walls, the windows, old and rickety windows, just like a warehouse would have. Holy crap, this is a warehouse... The "kitchen," and we'll use that term lightly, was an olive green refrigerator with dents in the front and a basin sink that may or may not have actually been hooked up to running water. No stove, no oven, no cabinets, no counters... The "bathroom," an equally lose term, did indeed have three and a half walls around it. No door. A toilet, also olive green in color, and a tub. Both looked, much like the fridge, like they had been recovered from a landfill somewhere. Oh, did I mention there was no sink in there? The bedroom, and by this time, I was surprised to see an actually bedroom, consisted of three and a half walls, propped together, constructed out of plywood. No door, no windows. Only half of the apartment was heated, and I don't recollect any outlets per say...or lights? Maybe. I was a bit overwhelmed, creeped out, and disgusted that I had wasted my time. It was fantastic.

We, oh, and when I say we, I do mean me and Mom, who was with me for part of the excitement last week...looked at a place that we were convinced was a whore house. I'm still pretty sure it could have been. The owner was this really old lady who referred to all of her tenants as "girls." All the cars in the garage stalls were nice, new, and clean. And the building looked remarkably kept up on the outside. I've probably seen too many bad Lifetime movies about brothels in my day... The place was itty bitty, but from now until forever, regardless of its actual status, it will always been known as the whore house to me.

And of course, one of my biggest battles was with a lady I have been calling "Crabby Kathy." They own probably a million places around town, and all of their signs say, "Pets OK!" and a phone number. No company, no last name, always just Kathy on the phone. I called her sometime last week inquiring about some places. At first she didn't answer. Then she called me back, only to hang up on me half way through to talk with the Claims Court, and never call me back. I talked with her a few days later to try to set up an appointment and she said it would take a few days to get organized, that I should call back on Monday. I didn't. And on Tuesday, I didn't. On Wednesday this week, she actually called me, I was pretty amazed, only to ask me to call back on Friday morning to set up the official time and place that we would meet. Sure, it's not like I don't have a full-time job or anything, I can just come and go as I please...sheesh! So, this morning I call and left a message asking if I could see places at 9:00. She didn't call back until 10:00 and couldn't meet then, but she would call me. I requested not to call between 3:00 and 4:00 as I'd be in meetings. At 3:17 my phone rings. Nice. By now, I was actually done with my meetings, but I was pretty steaming mad. But Crabby Kathy said she'd have time "right now" to show me the places I was interested in. Sure, so I jump in my car and fly down Grandview...only to stand on the curb for nearly twenty five minutes. Really nice. And the best part? Crabby Kathy didn't get out of the car! Mr. Crabby Kathy, who never introduced himself, just got out of the Escalade (clearly making some good money in this business), and walked to the door, opened it, and then looked at me until I walked up to him. Seriously?

Needless to say, I still have no idea what I'm going to do about a place to live. And I'm pretty crabby myself in trying to sift through it all. Sigh. I'm this close (can't you see me in my flaily story style showing you my two fingers very close together?) to giving up completely and dealing with the drive until I calm down. And I'm even closer to just buying a house of my own (if only I had some credit!).

If anyone out there has any suggestions, now would be a really good time to share them...because clearly I am about the unluckiest person when it comes to hunting for a home. I could really use some help. Sigh...again. I cannot wait for this all to be over.

Unapologetically Optimistic

So, at work the other day, we had this professional development discussion revolving around three articles the president of the university had written throughout different points of the school developing in the last ten years. It was all about the mission and vision of the university and how we need to use that as our guiding statement(s) to reach the better, brighter future in which we are constantly striving.

Some had great points to point out, and some had questions to be questioning of, but some found areas to pick at, finding contradiction and maybe even controversy. I really have no problem with that. In fact, I found the whole conversation to be quite enlightening. After the formal conversation, I was still curious, so I roamed around the office, as I usually do, just continuing the conversations from where they had left off. I talked to those that contributed about as much as I did (which was nil) to see how they felt about the talk. And to my dismay, many were unhappy with the result. Some were frustrated, for others it was above their heads, others, perhaps, were just bored with it.

That was a very lengthy introduction for me to get to the main point. For me, I enjoyed the very thought of having a conversation about a Presbyterian, or Reformed, outlook and mission for our work. For me, I translate that to mean, I was created to do the work that I am doing. I was created to touch students' lives, to impact them directly, and hopefully to guide them toward wanting more for themselves...to want to do what they were created to do. That is, indeed, my very life goal, my mission on earth, and in my job, and in my personal life, and in my down time...it is who I strive to be.

The point was made, in frustration I believe, that "we're not there yet...we're not even close." But I would argue, doesn't it matter that we're striving to get there? Isn't there some positive motivation just knowing we're talking about it? True, we're not there yet. I've seen more road blocks and stumbling stones left in my path since I go here than in anything else that I've ever done. And I'm sure others see it the same way in what they do. But I'm not sure that the point is that it is easy. The point is, we're working toward something that's bigger than ourselves. And that is never easy.

The follow up conversation is one I have had many times with many leaders and passionate people. It was about the "us" versus "them." What I mean is, there are those of us that truly care, that work our hind ends off to do a little good, to try to make our impact on others in a positive way. And then there are them, those that are in it to get the paycheck, to do a job, and to go home. There are those of us that put in extra time, shed a few extra tears, and say a few extra prayers. And then there are those that show up late, leave early, and are rarely fruitful in their pursuits. For those that are the "us," life is not easy. It is a minefield that you are forced to clear with a hammer. It is a constant battle trying to create buy-in from others to jump on the hardworking bandwagon just because its good. It is a streak of insanity that won't let us quit, or slow down, or even take a breath. Often times people like "us" struggle with wanting to give up, desiring to be one of "them" because it is clearly easier and more peaceful in the here-and-now. But the moment we give up, the very instant we stop fighting, working, and caring, is the moment we become one of "them."

For a very short time, I became one of "them" at my old job. I became jaded, foul, and harbored a great amount of bitterness toward everything. I became lazy, complacent, and selfish. And I began to hate who I was. It wasn't self-rewarding, in fact, nothing about it felt good. I quit that job as soon as I could to remove myself from the situation and the people who had caused me to join "them," but the change actually had to come from within me, not from a change in my circumstances. I quickly came to find out that there are both teams everywhere, and "they" are always the bigger team. The fight will always be there to fight.

Knowing that, one of two things could happen. I could feel defeated, slump my shoulders, and convince myself that it is simply not worth fighting for... Or, I could be unapologetically optimistic, always looking at the brighter side, knowing that even if I am the only one fighting for "us," I am making a difference. I am changing people's lives. I choose the latter option. And I urge you, don't give up! Keep fighting! "They" can't win as long as "we" never give up.

The Lost Year

It seems that every year at about this time, I tend to reflect on the year that has passed, once again, in a blur. There is just something about watching the landscape change so drastically that gets a person thinking about all of the changes in their own lives. The fields turn to a golden glow and quickly disappear through harvest. Trees turn a fiery red and yellow, and even smells of the season tell you change is on the way.

As I evaluate the year that has so quickly passed away, I honestly wonder what has happened. For the past few years, if you look back into old blog posts, journal entries, or conversations with loved ones, I have contemplated if life could go any faster. With every year that I grow older, time seems to only progress faster. But this year seems to have disappeared completely from the history books. Never have I experienced so much and remembered so little.

In the last year, I learned how to travel in Chicago, became a girlfriend, switched jobs, bought and put ten thousand miles on a new car, invested my money, experienced Shakespeare, planned an orientation and a homecoming, and worked myself crazy and exhausted. And I'm sure that so much more has happened besides this random sampling, but I'm not sure I can honestly remember it.

All of this insanity and breakneck pace begs the question, When does life slow down? When do you we truly get to stop and smell the roses or even stop to see them? I look ahead to the future and only see more of the same chaos that has been my life this year and wonder if I'll ever really savor it, enjoy it. I want to breathe life in deep and revel in the feeling of it in my lungs. I want to nourish the great loves of my life and let them well up in my soul to feel full and content. Where do I find that in the complexity of life? In the busyness? I know it is there, it surely must be. But this year, although wonderful and full of memories to enjoy, was almost lost in the shuffle of life.

I refuse to lose any more years. I want vivid years full of embraced joys not rushed requirements. I want a full heart not a full schedule. Next year at this time, I will not write another "lost year" post. Life is so short, a fleeting moment. I will live a life that is full of warmth, memories, joys, and loves.

Breathe life deep into your lungs and revel in the feeling of it in your lungs.

You betcha, Joe Six-Pack!

Well, we survived it, and without any major train wreck. I can't claim I watched all of the debate, although that was tonight's intent. Phone conversations, Facebook, and homework all were necessary interruptions. But I think I got most of the main points. And I have to say I was a little surprised that Sarah Palin didn't end up falling on her face. She generally held her own on most topics, but then again, she just decided not to talk about the issues she didn't know anything about. I wouldn't go so far as to say that Sarah Palin "killed it...she was the lead..." as one of the analysts noted, but she also just didn't get killed as I think most of America was waiting to see happen.

So what does this mean for the future? I can't claim to know where this will fall, but I can say that I am extrememly interested to find out. What a time in American history to be around to remember. Someday, my grandchildren will look in their history and government text books in their high schools, and they will read about what I will be able to recall.

Although I still am not 100% on my vote (to the dismay of my parents that will vote one way, and my friends that will vote the other), either way, we...I will help make history. (I'm going to need to read up a little more and do some fact checking!)

So Sarah, you may be a moron, you may not stand for women's rights as some think you should, you may say things like Joe Six-Pack, You betcha, and Drill, baby drill!, but you go with your history-making self. And Joe, you go too...although you are not nearly as interesting. But I won't believe for a moment when Ferraro said that she didn't believe that VPs were really all that important in a presidential election decisions. You're kidding right? Maybe once this is all over, the votes are cast and there is a president in place, we'll look around and remember how unimportant we think they are...but tonight? I'm pretty sure the VPs are making a difference in people's minds.

The Tower of Babel

Do you ever get the feeling that you and the person you are talking to are speaking two different languages? You're both saying exactly what you mean, but somehow, the message is not getting across? I had a moment like this today. I had made what seemed to be a reasonable request...a yes or no question really, and received an answer that felt like an ambush. There may or may not have been tears as a result on my end...but only for a second.

The truth of the matter is, we each express ourselves in unique manners, and the odds are, at some point in your life, you'll run into a person that communicates and expresses themselves in the polar opposite of you. But what is one to do? Even if you understand that there are differences, and even if you manage to figure out what those differences are, there is still little to be done to overcome them.

I would suppose the only thing to do would be to take a deep breath before every conversation, realizing that it is only going to go so well. Make adjustments to attempt to speak the other language, but know you'll probably sound like a foreign tourist to the other. And make adjustments in your brain to accommodate for the difference as you hear it.

But what I really wonder is, what is God trying to accomplish through all of this confusion? Is there some end result that can be positive? Some days I feel like I'm standing at the base of the Tower of Babel wondering, Does anyone speak my language?

Mental Health

Life had been spinning a million miles a minute. And it seemed that it was harder and harder to try to keep up. I was getting frustrated, anxious, and exhausted over the little things, and my walls were wearing thinner and thinner. So, today, I actively chose to take a mental health day. I could have taken another day filled with anxiety and maybe some tears to try to get a little more homework done or a little more work done. But I chose to put it aside. Since Sunday's were designed to be days of rest anyway, it only felt right.

My parents came up to see me which was just what I needed for a little rest and relaxation. Somehow they always know how to cheer me up, give me whatever pep talk I need to hear, and feed me well. (Who doesn't love the Belmont Truck Stop?) I made the decision that even if we did nothing all day, I wanted to cancel all my other things just to do that. So I did. And I am thankful. It gave me a chance to reevaluate where I'm at and what I'm doing to myself. I needed to reprioritize things.

There are a few important lessons I have gleaned from my reflections today:
1) Family knows best. If they're worried about you, chances are, something's not right. Go with their instincts. Spend more time with them. Enjoy just being with them.
2) Working hard is important, but working yourself to death is ridiculous. Work hard while you can to do good where you can, but leave it at work when you go home. It will be right where you left it tomorrow.
3) Don't allow discouragement to creep in. It's a sneaky little character. You don't really know it's coming up on you until it's nearly devoured you. You will fail at something or other. You can either be brokenhearted and discouraged, or you can take good notes and improve for the next time. This is tougher stated than executed.
4) Take a day and use it for reflection. You can get so far out into your own little world that you lose all perspective of what's really going on around you. Use a day to reflect on reality and go from there.
5) Remember you are human. Humans are not perfect. They do not succeed all the time. They cannot do everything on their own. Rely on others when you need help. Accept the things you can't change anyway. Use positivity daily. Know that God is in control. Cry. Laugh.

As I go to bed tonight, I continue my reflection of recent life. It has not been an easy few weeks. And there's not guarantee that the next few will get any easier. I will just have to take them as they come and pass them on to God. Ups and downs will be all over the road of life. But after every down, there must come an up. So tonight, as I drift away to dreamland, I can smile, knowing the up is on its way.

A Moment of Bliss

At this moment I should be doing my homework, but I just wanted to share one quick thing.

Tonight, I went to a new staff/faculty gathering at the President's house for dinner. I for sure didn't know anyone there, but in my usual fashion, it didn't take long for me to find a conversation buddy (a preacher from Chicago now teaching Greek at the seminary), and then a conversation circle. The food was delicious, the conversation lively, and the atmosphere in the house was light and overall pretty laid back.

For about an hour and a half I spent my time with the new staff members, many of them teachers. I found myself a little out of my element because I was one of the only non-teachers in my particular conversation circle. People began to leave, and I was left without chatting buddies, but I had noticed that Jeff and Dana's babysitter was an RA from campus that I had gotten to know somewhat in recent weeks.

Fairly awkwardly, I asked Dana (who I had only met once before and had never been in her home) if she would mind if I slipped downstairs for a bit to say hi to Sam and to play a little with the kids. Let's face it, although the networking was great, the meal was great...I'd much rather be in a room with a bunch of kids. And the Bullock's have three awesome boys. For nearly an hour we played an odd combination of Hide and Seek, Marco Polo, and Hot and Cold. We wrestled, we tickled, we jumped around like goofballs. And then everyone else went home. I made pretty fast friends with the guys and ended up reading the two little ones bedtime stories and tossing the dog a ball for a bit before I headed home.

Amongst all the sadness and grief around campus lately, tonight was a moment of bliss. A short time to just be a simple, fun-loving, goofy, crazy kid. Why in the world don't we do that more often? I had such a great time, and although it may not have been the greatest first impression for the President and his wife, it was sure worth it.

Strength

Today is what is hopefully the end to a very long, sad few weeks in the UD family. A memorial service commended Lisa's life into God's hands and gave a feeling of finality to the tragedies.

As a staff person on campus, I've felt the need to be strong for those that needed comfort and a listening ear and arms to hug. For the most part I managed to hold together, shedding only a few tears when certain memories come to mind. But today, I began to doubt my strength. I felt myself beginning to unravel for just a moment. And I wondered, What happens when I don't have any more strength to share? But God continues to provide, and in that moment of doubt and fear, He brought a warm smile and an arm around me from a person who knew I would need it. We didn't exchange a single word. She was just there. And sometimes that is enough.

We can't always be the strong ones. We're all only human. But that's the great thing about our infinite God. He already knew there would be times when we would be weak, times we would be scared, times we would want to give up or walk away. And He created others to fit into the spaces we can't fill ourselves. Like a brilliant million piece puzzle, we fit together in times of need, joy, sorrow, love, pain... These divine appointments get us through life, and we must know that it is not by accident.

Infinite God, in uncertain times, we run to You as our certainty. You are the Great Provider, knowing even beyond what I think I need for myself what my needs truly are. I run to You and praise You even when I don't fully understand You. For You are God, and that is all that matters.

The Word Accident

I have had quite enough of the word accident. I have heard it more in the last few weeks that I care to count. It used to be one of those words that you could use in casual conversation with little thought to the potential meaning. Now, it has become a word that shakes me on a deep level, making the world pause briefly one more time.

Today began with the word accident. "Pastor Ethan was in an accident." was one of the first things I heard as I walked into church to rehearse with the worship team. I couldn't breathe. Tears pressed forward as I fought them back. I can't handle any more accidents. Thankfully, he's fine. A few hours in a hospital is nothing compared to what it could have been. I pray thanks for that.

This afternoon a call came in for yet another UD accident. How could there be another one? Our little community cannot handle any more accidents. We all are in a state of shock...trying to pull ourselves together just to be able to function. There just can't be any more.

Through all of these accidents, I was reminded by a co-worker that we have two choices in times like these. We can either question God and be angry with His plan and decisions...claiming that He's not listening to us, not caring about us, not loving us.... Or we can run to God knowing that He is the only one that can provide us with the comfort and love that we need so desperately. We must remember that we don't always get to know or understand God's plan. It would simply be too much for us to handle. But He does have a plan, and it is all for good. We may not understand His plan or His timing, but we must trust that He loves us as His children, and He knows far better than we.

So as I hear the word accident again and again, even as it shakes me inside like few words ever have, I will run to my Father for comfort and care knowing He loves me dearly.

Pauses

Where do I start? How do I begin to write about something as tragic as two accidents, two injuries, and two deaths in two weeks? How can I even reconcile it with reality?

Thursday and Friday, the entire world within the University of Dubuque walls paused...perhaps even stopped all together. Everyone stopped to reflect on lives lost and already so dearly missed. We gave up on work, on some classes, on meetings...We spent time just sitting with one another, just being together. To us, it was perhaps a natural reaction. But a very strange thing happens through all of this...the rest of the world didn't pause. It doesn't stop. It keeps ticking away as it always has. Drivers drive their regular route home through campus and wonder for a moment why more people than usual are sitting together on the quad. Organizations come in for meetings on campus with no notice of the somber mood around them. Performers go about their acts and ask why attendance was low. To us, within the walls, it doesn't make any sense. Reality, for a few days, just can't line up with where we are.

But, eventually, reality and real life will align again. We'll go back to our meetings, our voicemails, our duties. Students will go back to studying and working hard. We're back to normal but somehow never the same. Whether we knew the young people whose lives were lost or not, we mourn for them, for their families, and for our community. We hurt because they are not here. We come together like we didn't know we could.

And that's the one great thing to come of all of this...if any great things can come of absolute catastrophe. What we once knew as colleauges, students, aquaintences are now all family. We talk, we hug, we laugh, we cry, we do it all together, much differently than before. So, as our world begins to come back to reality, I still pause, for just a moment, to reflect on the blessing of family...whatever form it may take. And through a few lingering tears, I can smile.

Where, Oh Where

It is days like this when I truly wonder where the times goes.

Today, I was sitting down in a moment of rest, and a co-worker says, in reference to my act of momentary peace, "And you wonder why you have to put in 12-hour days..." as if somehow I must waste away my days doing very little but sitting around. He laughed, I laughed....but I didn't think he was actually all that funny. I get maybe ten minutes in a normal day to actually sit and rest. I don't think that the average person would be able to keep up with me. And if I'm completely honest, if I really stopped to think about it, I bet I wouldn't be able to keep up with me.

Usually I'm up at some ungodly hour before the sun even dares to peek its sleepy face over the horizon. I am the first to work nearly everyday. The only one who ever beats me is the creepy custodian that is always in my office (another story for another day). It is a more familiar day when lunch is missed due to meetings or just the general scurry of the day than days with a lunch break built in. Many afternoons and evenings are filled with meetings of student groups or events like the Foam Party (also another story for another day). Dinner, if I remember, is usually fried food from the Union or some stale chips and a soda from my desk drawer. And when I finally get home, much after the sun has hidden back away for another night, I have a pile of homework to do....

As such was today's case, you find me here, computer in my lap, just finishing up my day...at 20 to 12....make that 5 to 12. It's nearly tomorrow, and I'm still wrapping up today's happenings. I'm just not convinced that they human body is meant to work like this for long. But I suppose it will for at least one more day. I guess I can sleep when I'm dead...

Enough of the pity party anyway. Despite the exhaustion and complaints, somehow, I still completely love what I do. One day, I guess I just hope to do it a little slower.

Days Like This

Perhaps now I get it a little more that I once did. All the hair-pulling, nerve-wracking, incredibly frustrating, crazy days are made worth it with one day. One day, that although not perfect, was absolutely good. A day that you know undoubtedly that you have changed lives, impacted families, and done good with the time given to you...that certainly makes all the rest worth it.

My Orientation "debut" went off with minimal hitches but rave reviews. Rain or not, didn't matter. Perfect or not, didn't matter. People smiled, mom's cried (it was move-in day after all), sessions were packed, comedians were funny, and dinner was serene (and dry...what a blessing!).

I do my whole job for days like these. I would work my whole life for one more day like this.

But I'm exhausted...and 4:30 is sooo early. No more ear-to-ear smiles for this girly...although I think the smile may stick in my sleep. More on this topic later.

Four O'Clock Hour

Today reminds me of my dad. In fact, it puts me especially in awe of my dad...not that I wasn't before.

The past few days I have been putting in twelve to fourteen hour days, working my butt off, trying to just do a little good. This has been a tough thing for me to cope with, and frankly, after a day like today, you're getting my last few cohesive thoughts that I can eek out. And I wonder how he does it. Every day of my very existence, and probably much longer, my dad has gotten up sometime during the four o'clock hour, worked all day long, come home to do projects around the house or play with us, head to bed during the ten o'clock news, and do it all over again the next day.

I won't pretend to understand what drives him to work so hard, but I desperately want some of that. At some point, you find yourself running on motivation and heart alone. Your body cries for you to just sit down, your mind feels like it has been through a meat grinder a few times, it's all you can do to keep from tearing up at your to-do list, and you begin to operate on some sort of fumes rather than fuel. Tonight I wonder if the motivation is enough to keep a person going, and if so, for how long. For my dad, it seems to be endless, just enough for him to roll out of bed in the four o'clock hour for one more day...again and again. And for me, I'm sure it will be the same. The pressure of being the new kid at work can't last forever, right?

If this post makes no sense, well, blame it on the meat grinder.

Banker Genes

I, quite unfortunately, have not acquired my mother's banker genes, or even my father's business-minded genes. This would not be such a problem, except for my newest job requirement: budgets. And it would probably not be such a problem with one budget to deal with, but there is not just one. There are, in fact, four budgets, each with ten to fifteen different accounts to keep track of, oh, and the one other budget with over twenty accounts that I need to keep an eye on.

Once, I attempted a general budget for my personal life (two accounts-checking and savings)...pretty predictable, pretty simple stuff. But with such a complex amount of dealings to deal with, I feel like I'm the frog in that Frogger video game of old (you know you've played it). Only I'm stuck somewhere in Level 22 where there are twelve lanes of traffic to cross each filled with perils of buses and speeding limos and such.

Now, don't get me wrong, I do actually understand the basic premise of budgeting. Money goes in, money comes out, start with so much, spend so much, end up somewhere near zero, or at least a positive number. Seems simple right? Well, so far, I've managed to take one of four budgets somewhere near $8,000 over. I have only worked in my office for five weeks.

Vrrooommm. *hit by speeding limo*

The Impact of Attitude

This seems to be a lesson I am constantly relearning in life. Attitude has such a profound impact on people in seemingly insignificant situations - it's astounding. In two different positions, at two different colleges, I have seen the catastrophic effect that a negative attitude can have, but I have seen it now, from two very different angles.

While at Platteville, I was slowly introduced to negativity. It wasn't an immediate thing. I started as an annoyingly perky, full-of-life, young and crazy-ambitious person. (What most of you know as me...) But after a while, the edge of my perk had worn a little dull, my glow was a little dim, and my ambition had dwindled with a pure lack of motivation. But after two years, what caused it all to happen? Where did so much apathy and melancholy come from? Without pointing any fingers (because it certainly doesn't matter now anyway) it was the people and the environment around me in which I was forced to interact. And instead of fighting for my very being to thrive and succeed, I conceded to the consensus of the group and became what they already were - negative. And it took me a little bit of reflecting, but I think I've finally figured out why. It was easier. And surely it was. After all, everyone else was doing it. Why not jump in and become what everyone else thought was ok.

But it was a lie. It wasn't who I was, what I felt inside. I fell into a trap and couldn't get myself back out of it. It got to the point where I had to leave....had to...because I felt like I had betrayed myself.

Now, on the other side of the coin, entering a new position at UD, where negativity on some parts was already firmly in place before I ever arrived, I have viewed first-hand just how poisoning it can be. People learn attitudes. They are not born with negativity, grumbling, and anger. You don't see two and three year old children walking around complaining about everything in front of them. It is learned. Just like I learned it at Platteville, others have learned it at UD.

The most unfortunate part of this story is that for some reason, which I have not yet been made aware of, negativity and positivity are so very, very different. A person can pick up a negative attitude in seconds, echoing a single grumble of one that can become the chorus for many. But positivity is looked on with some sort of disdain, as if to say, "What's wrong with you?" As if I should, by nature, be negative which seems to me to be inherently against our nature.

Regardless of the scoffing, the pity-smiles, and all that comes with being markedly different, I will keep pressing forward. If someone can learn a negative attitude, even if it is the easy route, then they surely can learn a positive one, even if it takes a lifetime. A wise woman named Rosemary once said to me, "Never give up your power. It's what they want you to do." At first, I didn't know what she meant exactly, but I've come to understand. They want you to be miserable...to join Team Negative...because once upon a time, they did. But if you stand firm in the things you truly believe in, you hold the power.

So, think about it next time you start to grumble about today's lunch not being all that great or you go to blame someone for something you feel was not right. A few quick works of negativity rub off in seconds, but it could take years to undo it again. As for me, although certainly not devoid of all negative thoughts, I will work to be intentional with every action, word, and even thought, in hopes that one day, my impact will be felt and overcome what has been previously set into place. Not the easy road, by any means, but the right road, the one I truly believe in.

Baptism by....

You know the old saying, "Baptism by fire"? Well, I feel like that has been what my new job at the University of Dubuque has been. In a month, I have managed to pretty much train myself (see Week 2, Done! for more details on my first few weeks), figured out how to manage running daily operations, worked (pretty well, if I do say so myself) without a permanent supervisor, taken the occasional verbal beating, and even (somehow) started some new initiatives (yikes!). And in two and a half short weeks, I will run an entire New Student Orientation four day weekend for the first time in my life.

Baptism by fire? More like baptism by meat grinder...or wolf attack. But luckily, I happen to really like fire, meat grinders, and wolves. Their crazy tactics don't scare me off. First ever UD Homecoming Parade??? Bring it on. Surely you didn't think you could shake me that easily, did you?

Here's a Good One

So, today I stopped by my old stomping grounds, UWP, to talk with Tara (who, by the way, may let me shoot off fireworks...another story for another day), and I ran into who would have been my old boss's boss's boss. Following me? He stopped me on the sidewalk and said, "Is today your last day?" I must have looked at him like one of us was the dumbest individual in the world. So, naturally I replied, "Last day for what?" He meant, of course, my last day at UWP....which was a month ago. Without meaning to I said, "Where have you been?" and he said, "Vacation." Oh, that would explain it. Without that little piece of information, I felt a little under-appreciated or even unnoticed. You know, like nobody would have noticed if I wouldn't have showed up for a month... neat.

I love my new job. :)