On Our Way (Part II)

And now the trip is almost over. We've given our hugs, said our goodbyes, kissed the baby, and it's almost time for sleep. How would I rate this experience? Overall, I would say it was very positive. I mean, let's face it, I do love babies. But this trip has given my a lot to think about.

The thought weighing on my mind right now is the undeniable urge to be a mother. Now, I fully understand that there are most likely many life events that I must yet go through before motherhood takes place, but I can still not ignore the fact that I love babies like I love my own kidneys. (Not sure why this was the first thing that came to my mind that I loved, but just go with it.) I love holding them, smelling them, comforting them, everything about them. And although I am sure that I do not know it all, I feel that I would still be a good mother. And I want it now. It's strange to have this so strong at this point in my life when so much else is going on. There's a new job on the horizon (beginning in the next few weeks), a new boyfriend to try to figure out (and figure out how to let him figure me out), and a fairly new life developing myself as an adult.

There are many other thoughts swamping my mind tonight as well, many of which will remain in my mind and prayers and not on this page. There are just a lot of "what if''s", "what now's", and "what when's" to think about. Knowing that there is really nothing that I can adequately control in life (at least not well), I have to daily (or more realistically, hourly) give all these worries and swamping thoughts up to the One who has the plan. I mean, what else can I do? Is dwelling on or fretting over all my tomorrows going to make them any better? Any more like I want them? I surely doubt it.

So, for tonight, I place my head on this hotel pillow, and talk to God (since we all know there hasn't been a lot of sleeping taking place for me lately) I will be asking a lot of questions, all of the thoughts stuck in my head. But more importantly, I will be listening, listening to what God has probably been trying to tell me all along about life and plan and purpose, timing and love and matters of the heart. And maybe that's what's been missing lately in my life anyway, my ability to even try to listen to God. Even when I feel that I have surrendered all my worries (and even when I have surrendered it all) I still often fail to really stop and listen. "Sure God, here's my life. I'm giving it to You, but don't expect me to put in any real effort. That may just be too tough." Well, it's time to straighten up, listen up, and maybe God will wise me up. That's the hope for tonight anyway.