Aimless Wanderings

As my heart continues to cry out for simplicity in life, it seems that life continues to crank up to yet another gear. The last three days have been one big tornado of chaos and messes, with every little thing turning into an emergency or dilemma to deal with. And although I've cried out to God to calm things down as I know He can, I can't help feel a little guilty for doing it. As we enter the season of lent, I'm reminded of the gravity of Jesus' sacrifice, how much He suffered on my behalf, and I wonder how I can complain.

But nonetheless, I feel strained, stressed, and stretched too thin. And my heart cries for solace, for simplicity, just for a break. A person's mind and body can only take so much before it wants to give up and go to bed. And I've come to realize that the more there is to do, the more chaos there is, the less effective I become at any of it. I lose all sense of direction and aim, and I begin to wander aimlessly. I begin to just toss and arm into the darkness hoping I can manage to catch the break I know is out there somewhere. 

And what's significantly worse, in my opinion, is that, at this pace, in this mode, I am no longer an example that I want anyone to follow. I grow dull and no longer can reflect much of the light of God that I am called to reflect. What kind of witness is that? God has called me to live as the moon, a glowing reflection of Himself, but I'm quite sure that no one sees the moon amidst a tornado. 

So, it's time to remove the guilt of crying out to God. It's time to become real with God, showing Him my whole heart, even if it is exhausted and stretched out. Because clearly, I can't calm the winds, but He can. Clearly, I can't shine myself up to reflect God's light, but He can. I don't want to wander aimlessly anymore. I want to see my Pillar of Fire in the desert and follow every move that He makes. I want to live a life that people want to emulate in order to give God glory. He will give me the strength I need.

Nahum 1

Yesterday's sermon was shared from the book of Nahum, a book that, admittedly, I couldn't even find and had most likely never read. Since yesterday, I really haven't been able to get the images of Nahum out of my head. It's such a beautiful picture of God, but is blends seemingly opposite ideals (vengeance and refuge? jealous and loving? fierce anger and care?). Here it is in a nutshell...

Chapter 1, verse 2 starts out and says:
"The LORD is a jealous and avenging God;

the LORD takes vengeance and is filled with wrath.
The LORD takes vengeance on his foes
and maintains his wrath against his enemies."

Woah. That is serious business. This isn't the only place that notes God's jealousness. Exodus 34:14 says, "Do not worship any other god, for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God." ...whose name is Jealous...? God offers up a nickname for Himself. But why is He so jealous? The answer is simply that He loves us. And this is reflected in how we operate as humans as well. Think about it. As a toddler, if you love a toy, and someone else plays with it, you want it back. As an adult, if you have a significant other and someone calls them or spends time with them, you want to keep them for yourself. Our human nature often lets this emotion go unchecked and get out of control, but God doesn't lose control. But He does want to keep us for Himself. He doesn't want us to choose evil over Him. So, He "takes veneance on his foes and...wrath against his enemies."

But He doesn't lose control. Verse 3 says,
"The LORD is slow to anger and great in power..."

Aren't we blessed that God is slow to anger? If He wasn't, we'd be dead. That would be it. Adam and Eve sinned, and life would have been over. And even if it would have continued, no one would make it too long before we were smited off the earth. Thank you, Lord, for being slow to anger.

Verse 3 and onward then starts to give us a visual image of God's power:
"His way is in the whirlwind and the storm,
and clouds are the dust of his feet.
He rebukes the sea and dries it up;
he makes all the rivers run dry...
The mountains quake before him
and the hills melt away.
The earth trembles at his presence,
the world and all who live in it...
His wrath is poured out like fire;
the rocks are shattered before him."

It's tricky to reconcile these ideas of power (tornadoes, storms, earthquakes, drought, fire) with love. But let's put this in some context. If you were Satan or any of his demon friends, and you heard this, you'd be a little shook up, right? Okay, you'd be running for your life. This is a message to evil - look out! God is this big, this powerful, and this mighty. When I was a little girl, this is how I thought of my dad. He could take on anyone that got in my way because he loved me. Where do you suppose kids get this idea? Our Father. That's how it relates to love. And thus, verse 7 reminds us:

"The LORD is good,
a refuge in times of trouble.
He cares for those who trust in him..."

Just take a minute and ponder how big God is...how much He loves us. He is jealous for me. He will fight for me. That's some big love.

Insanely Profane

I simply cannot comprehend the value of profanity in American culture today. It astounds me to listen to and witness the horrid things that make their way out of young peoples' mouths, onto pages, into emails. I cannot get beyond it.

Language, as we know it, has been railroaded by words that lack all context and meaning in today's society. Foul words have become the replacement for what once was the um's, err's, and ahh's of our speaking. And adjectives have been reduced to a few four letter words that somehow cover every feeling, situation, or emotion known to us. I have several issues with this. In a language with an estimated quarter of a million distinct and unique words to choose from, how have we reduced ourselves to about six that cover most everything? Where is the expression in that? Where is the beauty? And to take about six words and render them so utterly meaningless that they cover so much while at the same time meaning the equivalent of "um" seems a travesty in itself, as if the foul words would perhaps be less ugly or horrendous if they had kept some original context or meaning.

And let's discuss for a moment the level of intelligence one must be reduced to to use so few of the so many word options there are. A great wealth of vocabulary certainly can only indicate a higher level of intelligence than a meager one. There are just so many words...

The flagrant use of so few words in such broad context certainly bothers me in itself, but this is definitely not the bothersome issue on which I choose to dwell. For there is, indeed, a much deeper and harsher issue that I have with profanity. We are commanded not to use it. Our very Creator has told us that it is wrong. Here it is, as plain as day: "You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain, for the LORD will not leave him unpunished who takes His name in vain." (Exodus 20:7). Oh, how many take these words too lightly; how many ignore this command. Terms like "God," "Jesus," and "Lord," are not meant to be thrown around so lightly! Jewish culture of the Old Testament had names for God that were not even uttered because they were thought to be so sacred and so holy. It is, after all, the name of God.

This certainly does not cover all foul language, but perhaps only the worst and most overlooked of the fouls. But certainly there is some weight to be held in the argument for not using other words as well. For instance, the word "damn" originates from "condemnation," which, quite officially can only be left to the ultimate Judge of the universe. We just don't have the power to condemn anything. By using this term, we are calling ourselves greater than or equal to God. How terrible a thought that I might assume myself, even for a moment, greater than or equal to God.

Some say, "It's just a habit that I've picked up. I can't control it." And I would argue that that is simply Satan in your ear. True, it is a habit. And habits can be hard to break. But from one who once hopped on the bad-mouth bandwagon, habits can be broken. I can remember being in sixth grade, sitting on the playground at recess, and yelling profanities and younger kids because it got the attention of the "cool crowd." From that moment until sometime in college, I threw profanity around like it was candy at a parade (except at home, of course, because of a certain childhood incident with a wooden spoon as a consequence).

I was convicted of my foul mouth sometime early on in college. I can't remember quite when or how, but I knew in my heart that it was wrong and hurtful to my loving Father. After years of practice, it is now a shock to my system if a foul word even enters my thoughts, let alone exits my mouth. This is not to promote any sort of holier-than-thou mentality, or encourage everyone to look my way in awe. No. It's just to show that it can be done. And it needs to be done. It is commanded of us.

Do not let Satan dominate your words. Every foul word is a glimmer of hope to the one that can't win. Clear them out of your system. Remind Satan where he stands. And as a bonus, sound more intelligent. And most importantly, you'll honor God.

A Call to Simplicity

We all go through something like this in life. Days get hectic, busy, filled with meetings, tasks, voicemail, hobbies, friends, bills, cleaning, traveling, sorting, piling, delays... And our automatic responses snap instantly into survival mode. And then we live there, in survival, for days, weeks, months (and in my history, years).


The past few weeks, I've been there, surviving, holding on for dear life while things spiral out of control. The voicemail light remains on; the email inbox hosts over 100 waiting notes, attachments, and responses; the piles on my desk have flowed seamlessly onto the floor, the window sill, every chair, and shelf; I have new initiatives and committees and programs coming out of my ears; there are papers to grade, assignments to create, and much work to be done in my classroom; and to top it all off, my house, my one precious, quiet little sanctuary and escape, is a sty.

Out of all this chaos and noise, this week, my heart has been gripped with one clear message - Simplify.

I have no doubt that this message is God's very voice calling out to me through the cacophony of activity flurrying around me. It's a call to, once again, make a conscious effort to change the very foundation of how I operate on a daily basis. I've been here before. Sometimes the message is Slow down. And sometimes it's Shed something. And other times it has even been Just sing. But today, the message is Simplify. And I am so very ready to do this.

I'm not sure, as of now, how I will be applying the idea of simplicity to my life, but something tells me that if I change my focus, the answers will come. In truth, I need to focus on one thing - God. That's the end-all be-all of it. I'm also being led back to focusing on relationships and my purpose in life, the very reason God created me. Again, I am not sure how to apply these focuses, but I know that God is preparing my heart for something through all of this, readying me for something that chaos would not allow. I'm excited for what lies ahead, but as of today, it starts with simplicity.

7) What are you most afraid of?

I don't know that I realized, when I posted this question to my class, that it was actually an extremely difficult question to answer, not necessarily because I am unaware of my personal fears but because it takes a moment of extraordinary vulnerability to actually express them to someone else. There are some fears, certainly, that are easy to express. My fear of spiders, for instance, is not any unknown fact to most. I make it pretty apparent every time one of those creepy crawly critters makes its way across my desk at work or down the wall at my house. There are many things that I am afraid of that people know about, but when the question of the thing (or things) that I am most afraid of comes up, we're talking about another whole level of fear.

I will begin at a much easier starting place, with some things that I am not afraid of that may make the "most afraid" list for some people.

I am not afraid of what lies ahead in my career path. For some, the question of their life's work, their ultimate career, living in the "right" city, working for the "best" company, is the very obsession and pinnacle point of their lives. The very idea of a career and power, wealth, influence, and being in the "right" place at the "right" time consumes them with terror and worry to get it just "right". This is not something I fear. I have had my fair share of fret on the topic earlier in life, but now, I'm confident in God's leading without question. I have found my calling, and where and how I accomplish that is not a matter of "right" or "wrong". I just keep operating within God's will, and that is enough.

I am not afraid of financial crisis. Often times, for those obsessed with career and life's work, fears of money come next. I know I am well provided for. I have never been in a time of extreme need, by the very grace of God. I am a careful manager and steward of my money, and even if I would end up penniless and poor, God maintains control, and I will not be left alone. I do not fear money.

I am not afraid of bullies. I am not afraid of war. I am not afraid of potential natural or unnatural disasters. I am not afraid of my past. I am not afraid of public speaking. I am not afraid of trying new things.

This is where that moment of extraordinary vulnerability kicks in. You see, I am afraid of being alone. I am afraid of never finding true love, and I am afraid of never having children. Logic and my faith tell me not to be afraid of these things. If I can trust God to lead me in my career, my very life's work, in my money, in many aspects of my life, why can I not trust him with this? He knows the desires of my heart, and He wants my heart to know joy, but what if His plan is different than mine?

This battle is one that I have fought for years. Every day, I have to consiously take off this burdenous chain of fear and hand it to God. Some days, I want to hold on to it. Perhaps the burden isn't so unbearable...I'll just hold on to it for a while. But it is always better in God's hands. If I trust God to provide for me in the ways He sees best in other areas of my life, I must trust Him to take care of me in this aspect. And I know that He will.

So there you have it. I am revealed, exposed, vulnerable to anyone who took the moment to read along. But for those of you who are joining me in this journey, you can now pray for me in my specific fears. And if you have fears, perhaps you could expose them to someone who can pray for you. God is good, and fully worthy of trust. He has given me no reason to doubt. I will be raised up by the faith of others when my faith is not strong enough to raise up myself. Thank you for sharing your faith with me.

6) What is your biggest pet peeve(s)?

In direct correlation with my previous post regarding complaints, I have opted not to answer this question in the progression of classroom questions. I'll be sure to tackle the next one soon.

Complaints

It seems that lately the theme of complaints has come up pretty frequently in my life, but not necessarily in the way that one would expect. For once in my very long and sordid history with complaining, it is not I who forges ahead with a laundry list of complains (well, there's always a little laundry list, I suppose).

Since the semester has begun, I have taken some time to just stop and listen to students around me. From my vantage point, I can be an unnoticed, hidden little fly on the wall, observing real student interaction from the safety of the back corner of my office. And what I hear more than anything else is, well, complaining (and swear words, but I'll save that for another post). Complaining about classes; complaining about professors; complaining about "friends", enemies, acquaintances; complaining about other peoples' complaining; complaining about home life, dorm life, night life... There never seems to be a limit to what students can come up with.

And the source of complaint is nearly never at the fault of the complainer. No, certainly one could never be the source of their own demise. It's always them-this, or you-that, or he-did-this... What has happened to responsibility? Accountability? I guess it's just not how to spills out of the mouth, I suppose.

All this complaining can get a little draining, slowly rubbing off my optimistic sheen, wearing me down to a much duller surface, but then, just as life would have it, the idea of complaining gets shed in a different light. Thank you, World View Seminar Two. The Declaration of Independence is one of the most foundational and important documents to the construction and foundation of the United States. Did you know that the vast bulk of that document is a laundry list of complaints? It launches quite the attack on the King of Britain and its government, citing issues with removing representation, taxation, abolishing necessary laws, killing off trade, limiting population growth, turning colonists against colonists...the list goes on and on. Without this list of complaints (and the declaration that followed), the United States would have never been. So, complaining, as far as I can tell, is not always only bad, wearing, or useless.

And to further the theme of compaints in recent life, the sermon last Sunday touched upon it. In a discussion surrounding the idea of sin substitution, which is not only removing the sin from your life, but filling the area that's left with something else (work, hobbies, etc.), the idea of anger was addressed. Jesus, as it turns out, got ticked off a time or two. Lazarus dies and Jesus is maddened to the point of sobbing. People used the temple as a market place, and Jesus started throwing things and cracked a whip around. And sometimes, in anger, we just need to complain to God. We need to be brutally honest in order to let go of the situation at hand. Prayers are recorded in the Bible of people asking God to kill those that were making things difficult or terrible - to kill them! Now that's a big complaint.

So, where must I land in all of this complaining business? Well, there have been times in my life, where I, like those students who routinely sit outside my office with nothing good to say, have limited my speech to only negative, whiny, complaints, and like me in my office, observers have been worn down and disheartened at my attitude. And there are still times where I find my mouth smack in the middle of an audible complaint before I can even stop it from coming out. I don't like to complain. I don't like it. It has become, for me, a daily challenge to myself to halt a lot of that language from leaving my head and coming out of my mouth because I know that for some, I am an example that is looked to for how to act and live. I want to make sure that complaining doesn't make the top of the list of character traits people gain from observing me.

But, I have to say, that life without complaint is a near impossible feat. In fact, there are necessary times for complaining, times when no complaint would be harmful and hurtful. There are times when righteous complaint is required, even Jesus proved that. When students are treated wrongfully, I will complain. When I'm being taken advantage of at work, I will probably complain. When things need to change and voices need to be heard, odds are good that you'll hear mine.

So, I guess complaining is a coin with two sides. It's not good, but it can be. It's not necessary, but sometimes it may be. And it's not always ungodly to complain, but sometimes it is. No matter what I think about complaining, it is my hope that you find me smiling and laughing far more often anyway.

5) If you were a dessert, what would you be, and why?

Oh yes I did ask this question. And in my class, there was a stipulation: the "why" answer could NOT be "...because I like it."

I'll stick with my original answer when I was asked the question in my class: Fresh baked peach and blueberry cobbler. Fresh out of the oven, I cannot think of too many things that are more homey, comforting, or satisfying. There's something about it that reminds you of home, makes you smile, and warms more that your body...your very soul. I would like to think that when people think of me, they think of home, smile a little, and feel good.

Peach cobbler in itself is a bit plain-jane. There isn't anything fancy-dancy about it, nothing elaborate, difficult, or strange. Me too. But add fresh blueberries, and you've got just a little quirk, something a little out of the ordinary, just slightly better. That's me. I'm a little bit basic, but there's a twist. I have a crazy adventure streak that only some know about. There are little twists that make me more than basic...writing, singing, cooking...

Yes, I would definitely be peach and blueberry cobbler. What dessert would you be?

4) What makes you happy?

We continue on the journey of unanswered questions with question number four: What makes you happy? What a great question, right? Intentional time to think about what puts a smile on my face, a warm sensation in my body, and a contented and filled heart is enough to get though even the toughest of days. I will begin with a few brief disclaimers: 1) the rest of this post may not be a complete list of all things that make me happy, but it will, at least perhaps, get you going on your list of what makes you truly happy, and 2) the following list is not by any means in any sort of sequential order, especially not by order of importance, just more the order that they came to my head. Okay, let's get on with this list of happiness goodness.

 • Ice cream. Is there any denying that ice cream is just one of those things that puts a smile on your face? I mean, really, what's not to love? Sugary, creamy deliciousness usually slathered in some other variety of sugary goodness...yum! All time favorites include: Ben&Jerry's seasonal Pumpkin Cheesecake and Coldstone's retired flavor concoction known as Black Forest Dream.

• Food in general. Okay, so after thinking about the joy of ice cream, my mind immediately wandered to all of the other foods that I ever so much enjoy. Some foods are just for eating, but some foods were created and designed solely for enjoying. Mom's lasagna, fettuccini alfredo, cheesecake, chocolate, Grandma's cinnamon rolls...go on a drool for a moment. I know you have favorite comfort foods that come to your mind, too. The grin is almost unstoppable. Food, yes, food, makes me happy.

• Accomplishments. When I do good, I tend to feel good. Doing noteworthy things just makes me happy. I don't need the applause of others necessarily (although that can be fun, too), and I don't need accolades from around the nation or even from around the neighborhood. No, accomplishments could make me happy even if no one knew I accomplished them. A few accomplishments that stick out as particularly happiness-sparking: climbing six 14,000-foot peaks in Colorado, singing the national anthem on the 50-yard line of a college football stadium, completing a Master's degree, buying a home of my own, remaining pure for my future husband (yep, I just said that)... Is your mind starting to wander to your own accomplishments? Go ahead and smile! They make you happy, too, right?

• Cleanliness. This one probably is raising a few eyebrows. Why would cleanliness make me happy? Well, I guess I'm not sure. I just know that sometimes I get excited to clean things, and I feel really great once I've got them clean. House, yard, office (hard to tell in some situations, I realize), they all make me smile when they're squeaky clean and looking their best.

• The great outdoors. Despite being petrified by most common bugs and various other icky things, the great outdoors still easily makes the happy list. There is something about being outside that is like being with God, breathing His air, witnessing His creation first hand. I love sitting outside, working outside, playing outside... I love the change of seasons, the varied landscapes, the extremes of nature at every turn. At this point, I am stilling in my office, grinning like an idiot because of all of things that can make me happy...on with the list.

• Family. I have the type of family that you grew up with on TV. You know the families...where life lessons were discussed, dinners were always eaten together, and Friday nights were not nights to go out to a party but rather stay in and watch TGIF and eat pizza in the living room. That was, and still is my family. We cut down a Christmas tree together every Christmas, attend church together when we're all in the same town, and visit each other as often as possible. Growing up, I didn't realize the value of growing up as I did. I assumed that's just how everyone lived. At this point in my life, I have realized how terrifyingly wrong I was about that. More people than not live in broken homes with messed up families. They fight, hate, hurt, and destroy. They're hungry, dirty, wasteful, and mean. My family was not, and is not, perfect. We've all made plenty of mistakes throughout the years. But we're a good family, filled with love. And that makes me happy.

• Kids. Having none of my own, temporarily, I turn to other people's kids to make me happy. There's just something about a toddler laughing or a baby reaching for your finger that warms the coldest of hearts. I used to watch other people's kids as often as possible. With a full time career, that has gotten quite a bit trickier. I still take joy in playing with kids at church, joking with my neighbor's kids, and occasionally watching a few here and there. Frankly, I cannot wait to have kids of my own. I can't imagine how much more joy my own will bring to my life.

I firmly believe that I could go on...and on...and on. But given that I am still indeed sitting in my office, with much work to be done, and given the fact that I did disclaim at the beginning that this would not be a full list, I'll go ahead and stop for now. I may revisit in the near future however. And hopefully, you've taken at least a few minutes and pondered some of those things that make you most happy in life. Hopefully, you're smiling right now.

3) Why are you here?

After a brief hiatus, I have returned to continue answering the questions that I assigned to my class this past semester. It always seems that the more things there are to do, the more things I try to cram into a day. And when nothing's going on, I aim to keep it that way. Thus, over the past few weeks surrounding Christmas and New Years, I haven't done too much. It was a nice break, but now it's Monday, classes begin in one week, and there is much to be done. So...back to the questions.

The idea for this question came about one day when I was particularly frustrated at my students. One can only accept a certain amount of apathy before wigging out and fully and publicly expressing my disgust. There were many days in class that I simply threw my hands up in the air and exasperatedly proclaimed, "I don't even know why you're here today!" or something along that vein. One day after a similar fit, I told them to tell me why in writing.

So, why am I here? In complete truth, there have been many times in my life that I have struggled with this question and others like it. What does my life mean? Where am I supposed to be? Am I in the will of God? There have been times where a level of sheer panic has arisen in my heart in struggling with finding the answers. What if I'm in the wrong spot? What if I'm doing the wrong things? What if I'm wasting opportunities that I'm supposed to be taking? What if I'm trying to bust down the door when God has opened three other windows?

And although I can't promise that I won't again struggle with these questions and worries, right now, I know the answer. I'm here to serve God. Simple right? I sense some smirking going on. But it's true! I'm here to serve God, and you know what? I don't need anything else.

We, as God's good creation, have been given free will to make choices in our lives. And I believe that sometimes God even gives us more than one "right" choice. God wants us to take joy in Him and in living for Him, and sometimes that includes choosing to do or not to do things. The fact of the matter is, I could make several different choices in regard to say my career, my city of dwelling, my home church, my relationships that could all be "right". And the simple truth is, I full-well know when I'm outside of the will of God. I have to make a conscious choice to exit the will of God. It requires me to try to hide some darkness amidst the Light. It takes effort to do this, and it does not happen by accident.

Okay, maybe I've drifted off topic a bit, so let's get back to it. Why am I here? I'm here to serve and love God well in whatever I'm doing, live a joyful life wherever I end up, and make prayerful decisions within the will of God. I've been gifted to care for and love others; to share the beauty of music; to write; to play; to be adventurous, bold, and enthusiastic... I'm here to make an impact where I am in the name of Jesus.

I am curious, though...why are you here?

2) Who has been the greatest influence in your life, and why?

Moving on to question number two... Why even ask this question to a group of eighteen-year-olds? This question helped me to get to know my students quite a bit. It showed me who had broken homes, good or bad parents, older siblings, significant others.... It was a glimpse into a part of their lives that they hold dear. But how would I answer this question?

Certainly, there have been many influential people in my life. I can list off several people who have had that intervention moment that I needed, people that God placed in my life at just the right time for just the right purpose. But who is the greatest influence in my life? Who do I pattern my very existence after? Who do I mimic, learn about, and aspire to be like? For these questions, there is only one answer. Jesus.

Why do I swim against the current of today's writhing and perverted culture? Jesus did that. Why do I strive to work as hard as I can, to do as much good as I can, and to reach as many people as I can? Jesus did. Why do I pray, worship, build relationships, and learn about my heavenly Father? Jesus did all that. I can't think of anyone that I pattern my life more after. And that, I would suppose, is from the influence He's had in my life. My heart has been changed because He owns it. My life takes a different path because He holds it. My forever looks vastly different because He's in it. If that's not influence, I don't know what is.

Now, of course, some may be thinking, Okay, but now answer the question for someone that is alive, in person, and involved in your life now... Okay, fine. The ones that qualify as some earthly influences would have to be my parents. Most of my traits are genetically or environmentally established from them. I watched them as I grew, and I patterned my actions based on what I saw. Even as a grown adult, I find great value in their opinions, feelings, and wisdom. I consult then frequently, and I aspire to be like them in many ways. And that's influence.

Influence can take many shapes in a life. It can be long term and sustained over time as a parent to a child. It can be momentary with lasting effects, a simple gesture, word of advice, action or behavior, that somehow changes you signficantly. It can be eternal in nature, effecting not only this life, but what is waiting on the other side. People have impacted and influenced my life in all of these ways and more, and together they have made me into who I am today as well as who I'm becoming in the future. I praise God for the blessing of active, real influences in my life everyday, whatever form they may take.

1) How's it going?

The time has come to begin answering the many questions I encouraged my class to answer each week during journal time in my class. The first in the series was simply, "How's it going?" I was amazed at the responses this question brought forth. It was not the typical things-are-fine response that I received, but instead, I was offered, from many of my students, a glimpse into their real lives. I learned who had girlfriends back home, who's family was messed up, who had made bad choices recently...

It amazes me the type of response such a simple question can elicit if asked in the correct manner. "How's it going?" in itself would usually just be something asked in passing, offered as something slightly more than "Hello," but with no real added consequence. You'll usually hear people answer, "Good." or "Fine." But rarely will people tell you how they are really doing when asked. Most know that that's not what the asker wants to hear.

There is a huge difference between, "How's it going?" (the type of question asked when passing someone on the street or when you first sit down together over a cup of coffee) and "How's it going?" (the type of question asked with intention to listen to how it's really going, asked with eye contact, care, compassion, and trust, the type of question asked in honesty and vulnerability). I am far too often guilty of asking the former question rather than the latter, breezing by people in life assuming all is well and perhaps I'll catch up with people later. But later rarely comes, and lives remain busy, and we just keep asking shallowly how it's going with no real intention of waiting around for the answer.

Okay, so I haven't really answered the question as I had originally expected my students to, but I think that I really want to focus more on asking (correctly) how things are going for the people in my life rather than answering the question myself. I want to be a part of their lives, and not just out here somewhere (sorry, you'll have to use your imagination of me swinging my arms around "out there" for visual assistance), but in close, where real life takes place, where emotion and honestly and vulnerability live. Somehow, I think that just changing the way I ask, "How's it going?" could potentially drastically affect the relationships in my life. So, next time I see you, I will ask how things are going with you, and hopefully you ask it of me, and let's have a real conversation about our lives, how God is working, how you are changing, what you fear, what you love, what hurts, what brings you joy... I want to know. Really.

One Last Lecture

Class, today I want to provide you with one last lecture. It's not out of the book. It's not even about reading and study skills. There are a few things that have been on the tip of my tongue to say to you all semester long, but I've often stopped them short of spilling out for fear you may not understand, or care, or even listen. But the time has come for me to say these things to you now because I believe that they are things that you need to hear before moving on to next semester or the next endeavor that you aspire to in your life. They're important things that will only help you in your future. They're little things that I've learned over the years that I need to share with you in hopes that you'll take them to heart and apply them to your lives. So, please, please listen up.

First, you get exactly one shot at this. Life, is, of course, what I'm talking about here. We get one and only one shot on earth to do whatever it is we choose to do with it. Now, whether or not you believe in a life after this life on earth, is not necessarily all that important to this conversation. It is important, but not to this point specifically. The point, whether life continues after you die or not, is that you still only get one earthly shot. You get one shot to choose to work or not, to succeed or not, to impact people or not, to be happy or not. And I truly believe these are all choices, not just hands to be dealt to you in a life-sized card game.

You can always choose to go through life relatively unnoticed, ineffective, and unproductive; or you can choose to go through life loudly, making impact where impact can be made, work where there is work to be done... Which is easier? Most likely sitting like the proverbial bump on a log will indeed be the easier choice, but is it the better choice? You have the choice, in this one chance on earth, to build a legacy for yourself. Legacy? What are you talking about, lady? I've never really been one to toot my own horn for the sake of tooting it (go ahead and get your snickers out...yes, I really just used some variation of the word toot twice, no three times, in one sentence). But I do want to build a legacy of love, caring, helping, and joy from my life. If anyone is to remember my time on earth, let it be for those things rather than the alternatives (hate, pain, sorrow, laziness perhaps?).Tell me, how do you want to be remembered?

Second, let's look at the bigger picture, the one that is beyond ourselves and our legacy of our earthly stint. Do you realize that you have the ability to change the world? What? The world doesn't work that way, right? One person can't do much...right? I don't accept excuses, as you know from class, so I won't accept any excuses about your inability to change the world. It works like this: if you accept the first challenge (choosing to build your legacy around the positive, good things of life), then you just need to start with one person. If you can convince that one person that they also need to accept this challenge, then you have, indeed changed the world. If someone like me can affect even one of you in this class to look at life a little differently, to change your perspective for the better, even just slightly, then I have directly had a hand in changing or altering the course of your life. If I can change your life, you can change another, and they can change another, and we change the world. Do you believe it?

Third, and this point relates back to the first point, I suppose, is that life is hard. It's true. Don't let anyone sugar-coat that too much for you. Being an adult is hard, and choosing a positive, life-changing perspective doesn't make it a whole lot easier. And it doesn't get easier as you gain any amount of newfound knowledge or profound wisdom. And it doesn't get easier with more money, more friends, or more possessions. But if there's one thing I've really learned this year, it's that hard does not always have to equal bad. In fact, I would argue that most things in life that are good are indeed hard, and many things that are hard are indeed good. It's in the hard things that we often learn the most valuable lessons, and it's in the learning of those lessons that we grow and change.

Lastly, use your manners. Really, lady? What do manners have to do with anything? Well, I would argue that they have a lot to do with a lot. Manners make your parents, grandparents, and people that are closest to you proud. Manners give off a great first impression. Manners will impress the ladies, men. Trust me on that one. Say please and thank you. Open doors. Give up your seat for someone. Say excuse me. Smile at strangers. And do it just because. I honestly don't even have any sound logic or profound reasoning for this one. Just do it because it's good and right to do.

Ladies and gentlemen, please don't waste your life away choosing to do nothing with it. Please don't leave the world the same way you found it when you entered it. Change people's lives. Change the world. Live passionately. And do good. Please.

And I hope that in this class that is so seemingly basic, so elementary and limited in scope, that I have taught you a thing or two about life, living, and things that are good...as well as study skills, reading comprehension, and vocabulary words. Know that when I look at you, I see the very future of this world (corny, I know, but it's true). Go forth. Be good. Class dismissed.

Class Questions

This semester, I asked my class to write in journals in class every week. I enjoyed very much reading these, so I thought that perhaps I would also write on all of the topics that were assigned. Here's the list I'll be tackling in the near future:

1) How's it going?
2) Who has been the greatest influence in your life, and why?
3) Why are you here?
4) What makes you happy?
5) If you were a dessert, what would you be, and why?
6) What is your biggest pet peeve(s)?
7) What are you most afraid of?
8) What have you learned so far this semester, and how do you know?
9) Write about anything.
10) What are you thankful for?
11) If I had a million dollars...
12) I am unique because...
13) The thing I do best is...
14) Right now, I want to...
15) How do you want to be remembered?

These were just fun topics that were selected for students to practice their writing skills, reflect on some good things, and participate in class. I look forward to writing on them all soon.

In the Year Two Thousand and Nine...

2009. Wow. I know I say this every year, but it sure is hard to believe that yet another year is drawing quickly to a close. But this year, I can sit down and write a whole new kind of year-in-review. What changed? Well, I'm not 100% sure, but one thing I know - my heart has been changed. Perhaps I have just grown older and wiser or perhaps God has been working on me all along.

For the past few years, I have been writing "I can't believe the year is gone" entries, testaments to the blur of the over-packed, under-appreciated, over-stressed days flurrying by, leaving me in some nearly unrecognizable state of exhaustion and exasperation. Over and over, I've vowed to "never have another year like this one," which is usually immediately followed by "another year like that one." There have been so many memories lost in the shuffle; great moments past by and viewed as only slightly better than survivable; smiles and laughter buried by worry, details, and to-do lists.

This year, I feel like I can finally take a deep breath, take a glimpse back at the year gone by, and take joy in how it has been spent rather than just how it was survived. Has it been any less busy than any other year? I would argue not, but I would argue that how my heart responds has been altered, or perhaps healed, in such a way that I am no longer required to just survive life. I can enjoy life.

Has this been the perfect year? Certainly not. Has it been without struggles, temptations, or hardships? No. Have I "enjoyed" every moment of this year? I think you can probably guess the answer there. But how dare I discredit the countless blessings of God with the trials and troubles that come with all of the good. How dare I focus on money being tighter than I'd like it to be, or working hours being longer than I want them to be, or my on-again-off-again battle with being a single twenty-six year old woman, or any of that. Sure, it's all been there this year, but is that what will define my year? How dare I let it come even close.

Look at all of the blessings (I wish I had a better word there, for something that feels even better than a blessing...), that God has lavishly given to me - material blessings, heart growth, relationships...

I have a home, a car, and a Master's degree, all of which I've somehow been able to afford. I have food, heat, furniture, all of which keep me comfortable on a daily basis. I have a job that is also a mission field, a vocation of highest calling to serve and glorify God in every interaction. I have friends, new and old, that I can rely on through the good and the bad. I have been given wise and beautiful, strong and faithful women, my mom included, that provide me with godly examples of how to grow and mature into this life; I cherish these relationships beyond words. I've been given a tender heart, one that loves, hurts, senses, guides...a heart that is so full of raw emotion, yet a heart that is somehow calm amidst it all.

Looking back upon this past year, I can't even really believe what has all transpired. I've done things I didn't know I was even capable of doing. I bought a house (seriously, wow), remained in love with my job, completed a Master's degree then nearly immediately became a college professor, made friends with my neighbors, got (at least little) healthier.... Wow. What a brilliant year!

Oh yes, this has truly been a wonderful year, one that can't even really be adequately wrapped up in any sort of year-in-review write-up. It can't be fully reflected upon or digested, despite my best efforts and intentions to do so. No, perhaps this year just has to be, well...enjoyed...just as it is.

Father God, thank you, thank you for the incredible gift of this past year. I sing your praises louder than ever for the many blessings, lessons, and gifts You've given to me...whether I deserve them or not. You've been working on my heart for so long, never losing patience. Father, I will tell of Your great works in my life forever. No one deserves any glory but You. I will boast and brag about You, and only You, at every opportunity. What a year, what a gift, what a God You are.

Lights

It's hard to believe that today is December 1st already. Time flies by so fast anymore. I've said it before, but time goes faster each year we grow older. Just about the time we learn to appreciate little moments and memories and the time we're spending, time goes by too fast to even remember. There have been several years of my life that have just literally disappeared. They're years that I can't remember because I was so busy doing things that I forgot to appreciate or soak up one single solitary moment in it all. But this year...ooh, this is starting to sound a lot like my traditional annual year-in-review post...which I'm not fully prepared to write as of today, so I'll get back to the point that I initially wanted to make.

It's December. Lights are going up on houses all over town (including mine). Trees are going up in front windows covered in sparkle, lights, and ornaments (including mine). And although it seems that winter is not yet officially upon us with the extreme lack of snow on the ground or even flurrying in the air, the excitement and anticipation of the coming of Christmas surely has been building anyway.

The lights on my house glisten bright in the dark, long nights of the winter season. But to me, they represent so much more than just a little extra light to brighten the dark neighborhood. On the night Jesus was born, a bright star led the way of the shepherds and kings that were called to the tiny barn that He was born in. Angels sang in the sky to the shepherds in their dark fields, no doubt lighting up the sky in a display that must have been simply unimaginable. The first Christmas night was filled with light as the Light of the World came to us. The lights on my rooftop, on my tree, and throughout my house are certainly nothing close to what the light of that night must have been, but they are, nonetheless, a reminder of exactly why we celebrate Christmas to begin with - the Light of the World.

So, until Christmas night, I wait in quiet anticipation for the night that represents the glorious night that Jesus came to us in the only form He could have in order to save us, a tiny, helpless baby. A baby, but still God. And although I probably won't see angels singing inspired songs in the sky or a brilliant star high in the sky, my heart is still guided, just as the shepherds' and kings' hearts were guided, directly to the Light of the World.

Gratitude and Greed

In a season of Thanksgiving, it is only natural to be reflective of all of those things that are counted as blessings in our lives, to ponder all of those things, great and small, that make life wonderful, enchanting, and rich. A major portion of my current life is quite obviously my work. It's where I spend the vast majority of my time, where my energy and passions are poured out; it is my very calling in life at this time, in this place. For this place, I am more than thankful.  

I'm grateful for the opportunity to have work at all. With times the way they are, there are many today that struggle and fight to even be or remain employed. Not only do have work, I have a true career with endless opportunities to dabble in areas of interest, expand professional experiences, teach, mentor, create new initiatives... In less than two years, I have grown immensely in my profession, more so than I ever thought possible. I'm so grateful for the uncommon experience I have been blessed with.

I am grateful for the mission of this place, that it is so much more than just a place to receive an education for our students. It's a place, instead that is trying to build up, inspire, and guide young adults into fruitful lives of purpose. It is a place that believes in and supports those that much of the world casts aside. How wonderful to have a deeper reason for working as an individual besides the paycheck, a deeper reason for existing as a university besides just providing diplomas.

I'm so grateful for the relationships I've developed here. The professionals that work beside me are a group of wonderful people, people of purpose that have vision and hopes for the future of their work. With so much of my time being spent at my work, my colleagues are also my primary social circle, and I can't think of people that I'd rather spend a lot of my time with. I'm so thankful for the friendships I have developed here.

Although my heart is overwhelmed by this place, what it has done for my life, and what it has done for so many around me, and although I am extremely thankful for the many blessing I have received from merely being associated with this place, part of my heart is still left longing. It's left yearning for something more. This is a strange feeling for me since thankfulness has, in my experience, typically led to contentment, but content I am not. I am left desiring more for this place - not more from this place but more for this place. I want programs to be better; student support to be more invasive; more resources to be able to effectively manage faculty and staff loads, program offerings, and new initiatives; a stronger mission; a bolder campus community faith effort...

All of these desires leave me with a feeling of greed, not contentment. How can a place that has given me so much still need so much? How can I look on this place with frustration and exhaustion after all it has blessed me and others with? The fact of the matter is that I simply do not know. Perhaps it is my gratitude that is driving my greed...because I am thankful, I must continue to fight for something even better - not for my benefit or success, but for the benefit and success of so many that are deserving of it.

Whatever it is, I cannot deny how much I have changed and grown because of this place. It is my sincere hope that there are countless others who feel the same way. It is for them that I fight and battle for more for this place.

I Should Throw a Party

Today, friends and faithful readers (however few of you there may be), marks a fairly momentous occasion....in my blogging life anyway. My most recent post about marriage, posted earlier today was my 200th post on my blog. I quick look back reminds me that I have been blogging on this very site for three and a half years. Wow.

Much of the three and half years has been a blur, although it seems that most recently, I've finally started to realize the pure joy that is to be found in loving life rather than just surviving it. And although I am certainly tempted to take a grandiose look back over that entire history of written thoughts, feelings, actions, frustrations, joys, fears, and goofy stories, I will spare you the recap...for today at least. I'll leave you hanging in suspense until the annual year in review post that usually quickly follows New Year's Day.

However, the thought of 200 posts, most of which fall into the category of miscellany, has caused me to ponder the effect that all of my ramblings thus far as well as the potential for effect far into the future. Have people been touched through my words? Is God working through my frustrations to help others in my same situations? Have I given someone a laugh when they perhaps needed it most? Who will look back over all of these trivial notes and minuscule moments, the very thing that has transformed from just a way to fill time into a place for my heart to live on paper (or on a screen, as the case may be)? Will my children or grandchildren someday read this as a chronicle of their crazy mother or grandmother's journeys through life? Will they think me a fool or will I prove wiser? Will these silly postings outlive me and carry on some message to those far down my family line?

I never set out originally on this bloggiful journey to change lives, impact hearts, or even to glorify God. At first, it was simply to be able to tell a story. But as I grew, and as I continue to grow and learn and mature and (hopefully) become wiser, this spec in space has become so much more. I honestly don't know who's following along. And I'm not sure I'll ever know what type of impact something like a semi-public jumble of thoughts and feelings tucked away in an unseen corner of the internet will have, but it is my honest hope that God can somehow be glorified by it all, and that He can truly use it all for good.

So if you're following along, thanks for three and half great years and 200 (make that 201 after you've finished reading this) posts of sharing so far. Here's to many, many more to come.

You know what? I think I will throw that party. A glass of red wine and a little soft music will do just fine before I crawl into bed for the night. Man, 200 feels pretty darn good.

Marriage - A New Perspective

In reading an article recently given to me by a friend and mentor entitled The Case for Early Marriage, exactly one sentence stood out to me in a way that the rest of the article failed to do: "What most young adults fail to realize is that marriage is a formative institution not an institution to be entered into once one is fully formed." Hold on here a second. Why have I never thought of marriage in this way before? I mean, it really never crossed my mind that it may actually work this way.

Ever since I was little, marriage was what you got to do when you were all grown up, when you had it all together, when you "arrived" and became the person you would be for the rest of your life. And even as an adult, I continued to think this way. I blamed others in a relationship for not having all together (as if I ever did), and dumped many a nice man just for that.

But what I have come to learn is that I don't have it all together yet. And what's more, I'll never be able to get to the point where I have "arrived." Ta da! I'm all grown up! Life is all about growing, changing, a continual path of formation and transformation, growing ever closer to and gaining knowledge of God, others, and self (in that order). And marriage is choosing to do all of that with another person. And just like growth and change for one person is messy and unpredictable and confusing and hard work, I know that marriage will be all of this as well, and that's how it was designed.

Although I am tempted to look back on every relationship that I ended because they didn't have it all together, and in truth, neither did I, I mustn't. God would have steered my heart back to the one planned for me, or maybe He will still. The call will be unignorable. Something tells me I will not miss it. So, with this new found knowledge, I can only look ahead to future relationships. Dating and marriage is in itself formative. It's a choice to grow and change with someone else. I've been praying for my husband as long as I've known I could, and I know that God will bless me as He sees fit, married or not. And I need to be content in that.

Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

In the past few weeks, as incredibly as it may sound, I have been sassed (yes, I said sassed) by two separate alumni at two separate events on campus. I have the following issues with this:

1) You're a grown adult. You have fully developed sensors in your brain that let you know what is appropriate and what is not. Please employ them before speaking to me in a disrespectful or degrading tone.

2) You're not a student here anymore. As an alum of the University of Dubuque, I realize that you have several rights - you can be on campus, you can participate in some specific alumni-tailored events, and you can give all the money you'd like to the University to use for the benefit of our students. This does not, however, give you the privilege to show up uninvited or unannounced and proceed to think, talk, and act negatively toward an employee of the University (that would be me).

3) You're a grown adult. Oh, did I say that one already? Right. Well, I just wanted to make sure there was no confusion. I am also a grown adult. It doesn't really matter if you're older than me or even if you have more history at the University than I do. I am an employee of the University and a human being, both of which deserve at least a shred of respect. I'm not even asking you to like me, just don't treat me like I'm dirt.

Okay, well, I just needed to get that off my chest. One moment of disrespect probably would have rolled off my shoulders, but two in a few weeks' time was just getting ridiculous. And don't get me wrong. Typically, I love alumni. I think they are a great resource, hold many historic treasures from years gone by, and they can be fun. But, apparently, sometimes they can also be jerks. If you happen to be a UD alum, feel free to approach me with any ideas you may have for the improvement of the campus or just to say hello, unless you are going to act like a child or like you've got something to prove. Then you can just stay away. Thanks.

A Parent's Heart

Mothers and fathers, I do not yet fully know how you do it. I'm not a parent, but I have come to understand at least a tiny glimpse of the heart of a parent. At first, my students were just my students, then they were something more lovely, like a sibling or an old friend, but then, something unexpected happened. My students became my children.

And what I'm realizing, as time goes by, is that the love of a parent can be immensely painful. As it well should be. To have your heart walking around outside of your body, it can be a beautiful, wonderful thing. But your heart is sure to take a beating without any protection. When one of your children is hurting, your heart is hurting. When one of your children is missing, your heart seems to stop altogether until they return.

Over the past few days, I have experienced the pain of love as some of my own have been hurting, have hurt me, and one was even missing for a short time that seemed to go on forever. I have been a "parent" for all of a few years, and I cannot for the life of me figure out how this kind of love can go on for a lifetime.

It's a strange thing, the love-pain of a parent. The love of a child is so strong that it makes any of the pain completely worth it.

How much greater must our Father's love-pain be for us. How much more must God look at us, believing we are worth it. What a wonderful heart to have my own heart patterned after.

Thank You, Father, for the mystery of a parent's heart and love. And thank You for giving me a parent's heart before actually becoming a parent. Help me to love the children you have entrusted me in the way You have designed me to. It was worth it to send your Son for me, your child. In echo, it is worth it for me to pour Your love into Your children. What a love. What a love.

Choices and Excuses

I don't really want to hear it anymore. Really, I just don't. I'm pretty done with excuses from everyone....myself included. It's easy to make excuses, but I've come to learn that it's pretty tough to really, seriously back them up.

When it boils all the way down, excuses are an attempt to make up for our choices, however good or bad those choices may have been. When you say, I don't have my textbook with me because I just came from the doctor, what you really mean is, I chose to leave my book at home before leaving for the doctor. When you say, I honestly don't have the time to even look at this before next week, (and I'm just as guilty as the next person of this one) what you really are saying is, I have chosen to over-commit myself in too many things for me to take care of this. When you say, I can't, what you're most likely saying is, I choose not to.

Please don't misunderstand me here. I get it. Life can be hard. I've been through one of the toughest stretches of my life in the last few years. Sometimes circumstances are not what you expect. Things get a little out of hand. And suddenly you're in over your head. But please don't just sit there and blame the circumstances. If you're failing a class, quit something extracurricular or drop a class or take fewer hours at work. If you can't handle a role you are in, step down and let someone else take over. Make a choice to change your circumstance.

Tonight, I obviously sat through a few rough meetings, heard my fair share of excuses. Not knowing what else to do, I simply sat patiently and waited for the meetings to adjourn wondering what in the world would be appropriate to say. Nothing came to mind, so the meeting ended, and I got up and left. What could I say? I just hope I can lead by strong enough example to teach them through my actions rather than the inspired words that never come...

Retention?

The background or origin of this story doesn't really matter, and I'm certainly not writing this to slander anyone's name or political ideals. But I do have a slight beef with the disturbing news that I have just received.

The long and the short of it is that collaboration between the three Dubuque colleges/universities has been discouraged. The reason? What if one of those other schools snags one of our students during the collaboration?

Well, what if they do?

Doesn't it seem that as a school, you'd want to step up and just be better than other schools, thus enticing those other schools' students to your own rather than just blocking any major interactions between the schools to prevent student stealing? I mean, if we're really worried about our students falling in love with the other schools, it seems to me that we are nervous that we, in fact, are not the better of the three schools, that perhaps we're lacking something that they have that may call our students to migration.

To me, this is a problem. I'm over here fighting and fighting to make students' experiences the very best they can be...with little support, little funding, and little resources. Where's everybody else? Are they fighting with me? Some days it certainly feels as though they are fighting against me. Well, those of us who are here fighting would love to stand up and say we are indeed the best, but it will take more than just the few of us. It will take all of us truly investing in our students' lives, experiences, and futures. It will take all of us working to improve the culture, environment, and temperament of campus. Without complete buy in from everyone, we are just like any other school...

If anyone from UD is reading this (which, I know there are only a few, if any), this is my rallying cry out to you - dig in to our students. Love them. Spend time with them. Work hard for them - harder than you think you should. Because without you, we simply cannot be the best. We will always be looking over our shoulder with paranoia wondering who might creep on to our campus and steal a student or two. But with you, we can put our worries to rest, knowing that this is where students want to be.

Stupid Human Nature

Stupid human nature. What is wrong with you? Why do you always feel the need to do what you're not supposed to do? To worship things you're not supposed to worship? To fight fights that shouldn't be fought? What is wrong with you?

Just about the time I'm settled into myself, you come knocking on the door... Hey, remember me? Yeah, I know you said you were good being single, but you and I both know you were just saying that. Oh, and those thoughts you thought you shook out of your brain that you knew you shouldn't be thinking, they weren't really that bad, were they? I'm just sayin'. Sigh. Stupid human nature.

Stupid human nature, I question your motives. It's like you're trying to bring me down. You are the one, aren't you, that whispers in my ear about things that I want to put to rest? Things like being alone, working too hard, judging people too harshly...I could go on and on, and you know that. You are against me. You are my enemy.

I want to fight you off, knock you out, yell and scream at you for being so stupid. But there's one little thing that stops me in my tracks today. You are me, and I am you. There's no separating us, no matter how hard I try. As long as I'm here on earth, you are too, and I can't get away from you. Sigh.

But there are a few things I know today, stupid human nature. A few things that you need to hear so there is no question as to where we stand. My God is bigger and more powerful than you. You can keep doing those stupid things that you do, but God is bigger than all of that. My God loves me even with you around. That's right. There's nothing you can do to take God's love away from me. He is without condition in His gift of love. Not even you can be a condition that effects God's love for me.

I will, undoubtedly, have to fight you all my life on earth. You will probably not ever stop whispering in my ear or doing all the stupid things that you do, stupid human nature, but there is a glorious forgiveness that rains down on me even when you are at your stupidest. We are forgiven, you and me. I am trying to wrap my head around how big and wonderful that is. You will probably never understand it.

Holy Father, thank You, thank You for loving me even with my stupid human nature that I am bound to in this life. Thank You for Your forgiveness, love, and blessings despite this stupid human nature weight I drag around. Will I ever understand how great You are?

A Little Foolin'

Since I arrived at the University of Dubuque nearly a year and a half ago (wow, a year and a half already?), I have been working hard to convince students that I'm a little older and wiser than I really am. There's just something about still being considered in the same generation as my students that bothers me slightly. I'm not sure if it's the perception of authority I like to think I've got when viewed as older and wiser or or if I feel like they just won't take me seriously if I'm not old enough to be an "adult." I just don't know.

But with the rapid approach of my one and only golden birthday (26 on the 26th), I realized yesterday, that in a few short years, I'll most likely be doing anything in my power to convince students that I'm actually younger than I am. You know...probably around the time I hit that big milestone...30. And what is up with that exactly? How can 26 seem so young, inexperienced, green, and 30 seem so old, mature, and wise?

For whatever it is, I guess I'm sticking with it. I've been working hard not to share that it's my golden birthday to students this week, letting them think I'm older and wiser than I am...and I will probably continue to do this for the next three years. And perhaps, after four years or so, I'll have to reevaluate and redefine what constitutes as old, wise, mature, and experienced...but for now, I'll stick to foolin'.

Oh, Yes. I Should Have.

Part of me says, No, you shouldn't have done that. You spent a whole night away from work. You still need to sort through that pile of paperwork. What about that quiz you promised your students tomorrow? But you know what? Yes, I should have. I should have taken the one night a week I get off at a normal time and used it for myself. And do you know what? It was exactly what I needed.

I spent tonight in the kitchen instead of at work. I grabbed that half bushel of apples that I had sitting on the counter and started cutting, boiling, mashing, and stirring. Seven little containers later, my heart was content that I had made enough applesauce for a few days. But tonight turned out to be about way more than apples. Tonight was about magic - the magic that my kitchen is capable of in my life.

Kitchens have always been central to life, as long as I can remember. It's where Grandma Konken and Aunt Myra and Mom prepared Sunday lunch and washed Sunday lunch dishes. It's where recipes were created and handed down. It's where glorious smells emanate conjuring memories from earliest recollection. It's where every party or gathering I can ever remember always ended up congregating. And it's where I find my nerves back at the end of a long day or week.

Tonight reminded me of all of that, and in made me smile - not just the I'm-smiling-on-the-inside type of smile, no - an actual contented grin. My kitchen is a disaster, with every square inch of everything covered in sticky apple goo, but I made applesauce, by myself, for the first time, just as my Grandma made so much of it for us grandkids for as long as I can remember.

Tonight also brought to mind images of the future - my daughters (or sons) and I gathered around the stew kettle smelling the rich smell of cooking apples, passing on the very recipes that my Mom and Grandma passed on to me...and not just applesauce. Pies, desserts, casseroles, cinnamon rolls, dinner feasts, Thanksgiving turkeys...

So, do I feel bad that I took off early from work, blew off a few responsibilities that I should have taken care of? For this experience? Certainly not. Because now my heart is full again, my energy is up again, and I'm ready to face whatever tomorrow throws at me.

Who knew a kitchen could do all of that?

Oh, October

It's months like October that really wear me out. Now, if you've read back through any of my fairly recent posts such as No Life...Well, Not Exactly or A Little Braggin', you know full well that I love to work, and I love my job. I love that it is exactly what I've been created to do with my life right now, but, quite honestly, there are limits to what a person can do. And October pushes me to my very limits.

I really struggle with life balance (clearly), but I struggle with this because it is a real internal battle for me. My head and heart wrestle with wanting to work because I've been entrusted with the work and it is good to do or taking a break because rest is a normal and required thing for human beings but knowing that in that rest the work will suffer or remain undone. And frankly, I feel sort of bad either way. I feel bad if I work too much because I know I'm wearing myself out and making myself less useful in the future, but I feel just as bad if I don't work as hard as I can and programs suffer and fall through the cracks.

I put a lot of pressure on myself to make sure that things are as good as I can possibly make them especially with the knowledge that some parts of campus culture are in rough shape right now. I know that if someone is going to fight for the lives and hearts of the students on this campus, it needs to be me. If I'm not, how can I convince anyone else to fight with me? How can I rally the forces if I'm lying on the couch?

But a part of me keeps thinking ahead. What will my life look like in a few years at this pace? Will I still be single or will I have found my love? Will I still work fourteen hour days, six day weeks or will there be help? Will I want something, some desire outside of this place or will my heart still lie squarely with the purpose I've been given today? I don't know. I don't know about any of it. But I do know that a normal family life someday will not be possible with the status quo.

It is at this point of the post that I have to inhale and exhale a deep sigh with the realization that I have not and probably will not resolve this internal battle tonight.

Despite all of this mind and heart wrestling that I find myself constantly in the midst of, I somehow still have a just a little peace. My peace lies in the fact that God is in control, whatever the situation may be, no matter how tired I get, how high the work piles. Does it make the month of October any easier? No. Frankly, I'm still pooped. But it makes it tolerable enough to fight through to keep on doing what I'm meant to do.

Do Anything

How many times can a heart get broken? How many times can it be picked up off the floor and sewn back together with stitches of hope? I sometimes wonder how many times I have left, as if there is some sort of countdown that I'm nearing the end of, but I am thankful that I was created with a heart after God's own heart - a strong heart that can heal again and again.
My job has become pretty much the definition of my life at this point. People are defined by all sorts of roles - mother, child, wife, student... Right now, I am defined by what I do, which is work to change lives in a setting that fosters change, growth, and the building up of young adults. And I will say, as I get started here, that I love the opportunity that I've been given. I love it. I have never looked at my role with disdain or disgrace. I am honored and joyful and humbled to be able to serve in the role I've been given. But it is an overwhelming responsibility most days. It's a responsibility that just seems too big to handle.

As silly as it seems, Greek life at UD has burdened me and broken my heart more than once this year. For most, it would seem a little silly because, whether a part of Greek culture or not in one's life, everyone has some sort of mental picture of what it all entails - parties, doing silly things, fee structures, uniformed colors and clothing... And sure, I would agree that it is most of those things. But it has the potential to be so much more. So much more.

Greek life, as I've come to know it over the past year and a half, is about lifelong relationships. It's about being a part of something that is bigger than yourself. It's about serving the community and the campus that you are a member of. It is about stretching personal boundaries, and growing, and changing, and learning, and leading. Or at least that's what it's set up to be.

I am constantly surprised by how little students are willing to acknowledge these facts, but more importantly, take advantage of them. Here is a system placed before you, free for the taking, that is asking you only to do great things with your life...not alone, but with others, in a unity that is rare to be found anywhere else. It is a system set up to give students power and authority to accomplish dreams and ambitions, to positively affect those around them, to build relationships, and to have fun while doing it all. But when students look at this feast that is set before them, for most, all they see is the hard work, effort, time, and commitment that is being asked of them, and instead of grasping it and enjoying it to the fullest, they are looking past it or around it to see if there's something a little less daunting. It's like being offered a giant platter of lobster but choosing to just drink the dipping butter in the cup beside it. The butter's a lot less work to take in even if it is much less rewarding or satisfying.

But possibly the most painful crack in my heart stems from the flat out rejection of a very clear offer that I have placed on the table before these students time and time again. The offer? DO ANYTHING. That's right. DO ANYTHING. You have the power, the authority, and the very opportunity to do whatever you want. Anarchy, you say? Certainly this is not what I, the avid planner and organizer of a thousand details, intend. I simply mean that if you want something, you need to be willing to fight for it, be committed to the cause, to work toward it, and to accomplish it. Push the limits of what you think you can do. Test the waters and the rules and systems set up around you. No one is saying that it's all set in stone. Maybe you have a better way. Show me. Maybe you have a bigger plan. Prove it. Get organized, get focused, and hit the ground running doing things you never thought were even possible because they are.

But most of this offer gets pushed aside, and apathetic students filter into classrooms and out of classrooms, into meetings and planning sessions and out of them, giving little thought to the power and authority and potential they are leaving behind. Did you hear it? Another crack in the walls of my already broken heart.

Please don't give up the chance to do something great. Please don't ignore the call of your heart to something greater and bigger and more important than yourself. Seize potential and knock down anything in your way. All the work is worth it. All the fight is for something. It's not in vain. Is anybody listening? Did anyone hear my plea? I won't give up either, you know. I won't just let my argument die because even with a broken heart, I know first hand that it is worth it. I have dreamed, reached, fought, grew, learned, lead, served...and I will not stop. Even one life changed makes it all worth it for me.

So, I guess I pick up the broken pieces of my shattered heart one more time. I sew it back together with a little hope that I have indeed made a difference, that someone has indeed heard me, and that I will indeed change the world. My heart will mend, and most assuredly be broken again. But it will never cease to be worth it.

Letting Go

This past week was a true testament of how far I've come since the first year of my job at UD. Homecoming came about last week, and although I was relatively ready for all of the activities and events that were to ensue, I certainly didn't expect what would happen.

I got sick.

It seems silly. Most people can get sick and just leave work, but for so much of what I do, I'm the only one with the play book, the only one with the notes or descriptions of what should happen. That's not to toot my own horn, but rather just to say that I work generally solo in my one-man-department.

Monday I was so sick, I didn't really care about what was supposed to happen for activities. I tried to get into work and get a few things done, but after two short hours, I was zapped. Tuesday, I didn't get in at all. Wednesday I made it in for a few hours. I was miserable, uncomfortable, and hungry. I wasn't ever really sure if I was going to make it to any events all week long. How terrible. One of the biggest weeks of my work-life, and I'm not there? How could this happen?

Well, in all of this, I realized how much I've learned about letting go of things. I had to let go of this week, like it or not, in order to heal. I had two choices when it came down to it: freak out and stress about it or just plain let it go. And, against my very nature, I chose to let go. And thank God! What a good choice! I can't control when I get sick or how long I am out, but I can control how I react.

Letting go, I think, shows growth, maturity, and experience. I feel blessed to be able to gain this valuable experience in my job. It has really changed me for the better, shaping me into the person God has created me to be. So, although this week as difficult, I'm glad to have gone through this week just as I have, sickness and all. It reminds me that God is good. So good.