The Worst Thing

This is some perspective gained from little moments with close friends.

What's the worst thing that could happen? What's the worst thing that could happen if you didn't get the laundry switched, the email checked, or that one last thing bought? It could be that if you don't check your email, you'll miss a note about a meeting, miss the meeting, fail to complete the project at the meeting, get fired, lose your house and all your things, and end up homeless on the streets. Or, perhaps, you could just check your email tomorrow.

Once upon a time, I used to be crazy. I would fly around trying to get every last detail arranged, trying to be ahead of schedule, tyring to make sure it was all just so. And although that ghost occasionally slips out of the closet, I find that that's a pretty rough approach to life. (Refer to post archives about the "lost years" for more information on that topic.)

Will I really end up homeless on the streets if I don't complete my to-do list today? Will the world come to an end if a detail slips my mind? Certainly this is not the case. Does this give me an excuse to be lazy and non-determined in my work? Absolutely not. This simply gives me permission to not always have to be all things to all people. It gives me the go-ahead to make a mistake or two. It allows me to end my day when the day is done, not when my list is done.

Life can get chaotic. It's true. Things tend to pile up all at once, and it can feel pretty overwhelming. But that's the time when we need this perspective the most. We need to hold on tight knowing that much of the list is bound to be left until tomorrow and knowing that it will, eventually, get better. And that's okay.

After all, what's the worst thing that could happen?

Killing Myself

No, it's not what you think. I have absolutely zero suicidal tendencies, and the thought has honestly never come close to crossing my mind. But apparently, I'm still working on killing myself.

I went to the doctor about a month ago...a new doctor....for the annual womanly check up. And everything went really well, except for this one little thing. Previous doctors had always commented on this one little thing, but no one had ever stopped to me to say they were worried about it: high blood pressure. It seems so insignificant really. The words "high blood pressure" aren't particularly frightening...not like "heart attack" or "cancer," so I've always just played it off. Oh, it's always been that high...probably nothing to worry about.

But this new doctor stopped me in my tracks last month. She suggested a change that I could make that was pretty small and would save me some money by getting off a perscription that I actually didn't really need anymore. She said that that would probably fix it, told me to come back in a month, and we'd talk more then.

Today was a month later, and as promised I swung in over lunch and got my reading taking. Again, it was the same sort of hypertentious high as it had been before. I wasn't even scheduled to see the doctor, just a nurse, but sure enough, the doctor wanted to see me. She came in with a crumpled up face and told me she wasn't very happy with me. "This is not good," was repeated more than once.

After more talking, it pretty much came down to: figure out how to eat better and live better because right now you're killing yourself (maybe in not so many words...), and come back in a month.

Let's face the facts here. I live my life like an obese person. I know that. I eat bad for me foods including primarily pre-packaged, chemically treated, frozen, boxed, cupped, or otherwise instant food varieties because it's faster and easier than making real foods. I don't work out enough (sometimes not at all). And I don't give much regard to anything healthy. Did I just eat half that brick of cream cheese by myself? Wow, the whole frozen pizza is gone. How many cookies until it's considered gluttonous? But with this new ultimatum: eat health or risk an early death, it has me once again rethinking things.

I can't imagine what weight news like cancer or disease would carry after hearing this little, seemingly insignificant news of hypertention. I feel completely paranoid today, considering everything that I put in my mouth as a possible poison that will lead to my ever-shortening lifespan. Will I have a heart attack when my grandkids are too young to remember me?

So, I have to find a way out. I have to seek out a solution. Food shouldn't be that hard. It becomes eating to live a good and healthy life not just eating to satisfy me right now. This will not be an easy road to travel. I will, undoubtedly break down and want to eat that large pizza or every cookie in the package, but I will...I must try something new. Pray for me on this journey, because no one knows better that I just how weak I am. Cheers to a new lifestyle! Who wants to come with me?

A Place to Call Home

It has been a bit since my last update, but mainly because so much has been going on. It's hard to keep up, but regardless of the hustle-bustle of it all, I can't say it's not good.

In the last few months, I have been pressing hard to complete grad school, and the light is peeking up upon the horizon. This weekend I'll be packing my bags and jetting across the country to Seattle for a conference and to meet my class for the very first time. It seems funny, as these have been the people I've been chatting and learning with for the past two years of life. I told the class once that they were all like those obscure relatives that live far away. You never talk to them much, but you know they're still family. And because of that fact, you still like 'em. Same deal here. Most of us have never met, but we're all pretty excited to get together. I'm traveling with a travel buddy that I won't meet until travels begin. But it should be a great time. There are only 74 days until commencement, and less than that to get projects done, but who's counting?

In the last week, I ended one of the most frustrating endeavors of my life by finding a house...not just any house, but my house. And it is lovely. There is some work to be done, but it will be my work (ok, and my family's). Expect many backyard barbeques at Lindsey's this summer.

It was amazing that God revealed Himself to me the way He did in this whole time of searching. There were a few times throughout the search that I found it difficult to trust God to provide for me. How does that happen? How do we struggle to trust in the One who has never let us down? Not only did I find a home that is more than I need, but I also (all in one day, mind you) found a source of furniture to furnish the rooms that would have otherwise remained empty, and found money to pay for things I didn't think I could afford, in the form of an unexpected tax refund. So, as all of this was discovered on Saturday, I was overwhelmed with the fact that I should never waver in my trust in the Lord. He is the one thing in life that has never once left me alone. God is so good!

It should be a crazy next few weeks with a trip, a wedding to sing in, a whole apartment to pack, and a move to make. Crazy, but oh so good.

I'd like to leave you with a quote from a great woman from my church. She is so wise. "Finding a house is like giving birth. You won't ever remember the painful part." And perhaps she is right.

Moonbeams

Tonight, while driving my long commute home, I couldn't help but be enamored with the brilliance of the moon shining through the quickly passing clouds. The bluish silver hue that was cast upon the melting snow and filling streams was like nothing I had seen.

Prior to the moment I realized the moon was out and shining brightly, there were thousands of thoughts running through my head, nearly trampling over themselves trying to get out of my cluttered brain. Why are students so crabby? What new things can I do to generate excitement on campus? I need to do this...finish that...Did I lock my office? Voicemail...email...ugh, you didn't check your mailbox. Dirty lunch dishes...Did I water the plants? I'm so sick...should I stay home tomorrow?

But in a single moment, all of the clutter faded into the background. My mind grew hushed. The beauty of the moonbeams flooded every inch of thought and feeling. And after a few moments of just peace, a single thought came to my mind. I want to be like the moon. The moon doesn't create its own light. It doesn't shine on its own. It's merely just a rock in the sky, circling the earth. But it reflects the sun's light from a vast distance and provides a glow that is unmissable. And that is exactly what I want in my life. I want to reflect the Son's brilliance through my very own moonbeams. I want to be unmissable, not because of my own beauty. Because the moon without the sun, after all, is just a rock in the sky. I without my Jesus am just a empty dull being, purposeless and unnoticeable. But with the Son's light reflecting through me, I am given my purpose, my beauty, my unmistakable glow.

I pray that I can be a moonbeam to the earth, reflecting Your very beauty, Your loveliness to Your creation. Without Your shine, I cannot glow, not even a flicker of light will shine from me. With Your light, let me beam Your presence to all who are near.

Enthusiasm

I find people often commenting about my abounding energy and enthusiasm for just about anything in life. But I began to wonder, Why does my enthusiasm stand out so much?

Last night was a great example of people's dying enthusiasm about life. It made me crabby but also made me chuckle just a little bit. We had an "all organizations" meeting for the spring semester - a way to gather up some central leaders on campus and chat about the current issues, questions, and problems going on in campus involvement. Part of the meeting went kind of like this:

Why do we have to be at this meeting? Is it going to take the full two hours? Where's the free food we were promised? I don't want to be forced to go to Student Government meetings.... (lots more grumbling from the entire group...)

Why aren't more people involved on campus? No one comes to our stuff. This campus just doesn't give a crap.

Really? You really think that people are going to come to things? You really think people are going to get involved when that's what they are greeted with? The resounding sounds of crabby people that aren't excited about what they do, what their mission is, or how they change the world around them?

The fact of the matter is that enthusiasm tends to breed only more enthusiasm, but a bad attitude breed all sorts of issues that run way deeper. A bad attitude can lead to negative actions toward people you care about, things you do, and even things you know nothing about. And the worst part of it all is that, for one reason or another, a negative attitude is so much easier to spread around than a positive one.

So, yeah, much of this campus, frankly, doesn't give a hoot about what is happening around them, but look at their examples, a bunch of involved, but equally grumpy, apathetic individuals living the exact same way.

So, I say, come on people. Take a look at what you're spreading around. Only you can work to make this a better place with better attitudes and attention to surroundings. Be truly excited about what you do, and for Pete's sake, share that with people! What could it hurt?

Frustration

I'm a little confused. At myself.

Never have I experienced such a frustrating endeavor as house hunting. I'm not typically quick to anger or frustration, and I consider myself a relatively patient person with a logical head on my shoulders.

Why then do I feel myself flying into a rage over my current situation? Why am I eternally frustrated over all the places I've seen? Why can't I cut my loses and move on to bigger and better things?

There are a few things I know in all of this, which, unfortunately only add to my confusion. 1) I know that God provides. I really don't have anything to worry about at all when it comes to finding a home. When I'm meant to have a home, I'll have one. And 2) parents are usually right. And if they say I need to wait on it, then most likely, that's what I need to do.

Somehow those two things don't eliminate my frustrations. They still bubble up right under the surface and seem to fester and explode with every new ugly house I see. Pretty thankfully, I have understanding parents, and I have a God that allows me to come to Him with my tears, questions, and frustrations. He let's me blow off my steam, waits until I'm finished, only to remind me that He's already taking care of it. Why can't I remember this? He's already got it. Somehow in all of this, I need to figure out how to let go and get back to real trust, knowing that through all the ugly houses left behind and all the pretty ones snatched up from beneath me, it is not madness or randomness or circumstance. Somehow, someway, it is exactly how it was intended to be. Unfortunately, my weak and weary human nature probably won't let me see it until I've gotten through and take a look back.

Your timing, not mine. Your plan, not my own. One step at a time...

Something's Missing: Follow Up

So, Divinely, on Sunday, Pastor Ken's sermon was on the very topic of love. After feeling so passionately that God was telling me to focus on this topic, it turns out, He's moving others' hearts toward this as well.

If you get a moment, please listen to Ken's sermon. You can find it here.

God works in such cool ways.

Something's Missing

Lately work has been a little hairy. Not my area, per say, but there have been rough and rocky patches that I sure wish I could eliminate. But what's the difference between those that are struggling with rocky patches at work and those who are not? Students who are succeeding and those who are not? Offices that are thriving and those that certainly aren't? What's the missing link?

I've been telling my students that what I'm really looking for in a leader is enthusiasm. And although this may be true, I don't know that it's the missing link. I mean, it is so important to have an excitement and enthusiasm about what you do, and a lot of things will follow once enthusiasm is there, but I think there's something deeper than that.

And what makes some offices or departments or individuals angry, what makes them fail dastardly at projects, what compels them to become liars or cheaters?

I have come to the determination that what is missing, as ridiculous as it may sound, is love. Think about it. If a person truly, deeply loves another, do they lie to them, or cheat, or hate, or stay angry? Rather you want to take care of them, do your best for them, show them compassion, and fight for them.

And if a true love is developed for what you do, can you not apply similar principles?

I have fallen in love with where I am right now. And the last thing I want is to do wrong by it. So all the things that need to flow next do: enthusiasm, excitement, passion, honesty, wanting to do my best, wanting to fight for my cause...relentless love brings about all these things.

So, as I grow into this place that I love, I find myself praying ever more fervently to bring love to this place. Bring love to the employees, the students, the programs, the administration. And when its true, there will be a noticeable, un-ignorable difference. I long for that day and pray hard.

Fun in the Kitchen

In place of a blind-date-road-trip that I thought was going to take place today, I decided to clean my house and then undo most of that with some fun in the kitchen.

For the first time ever, I tried my hand at homemade pasta. It wasn't too tough, a cup or so of flour, three eggs, and a tablespoon of olive oil. But it was sure messy! After mixing the ingredients in the recommended manner (on the counter...which I wouldn't necessarily recommend), you then have to let it sit and, then roll it out thin, cut it all up, and let it rest again. And the sauce? A creamy parmesan cinnamon acorn squash sauce. Oh yeah, I did that.

It was one of those recipes that I figured I would either love or hate. Here's what's in it:
Squash (the recipe called for pumpkin...whatever)
butter
half and half
onions
garlic
cinnamon
parmesan cheese

Weird right? Yeah, that's what I thought, but it actually tastes great! Kind of savory and creamy, but it needs a little something. I'm eating it right now trying to figure out what that other thing might be. Perhaps some salt...I'll let you know.

The Hunt is On!

Well, after much debate and even more stalling, the hunt is officially on. I've set the appointment with the realtor, my family's on board with a variety of options in hand, and I want to find a home that I love.

There are so many things that I'm excited about that come a long with searching for a house. First is, of course, the hunt. I've been drooling over houses that I want to see online for weeks, and next week, I'm going to get to walk through them and critic them and think about all the things I could do with them. But then there is the moving. I have got to be one of the few people on earth that doesn't mind moving. In fact, I'm already starting to prepare for all the things that come with a move. In the past, it has not been all that tricky to move. Pick up and go. And I have...so many times. But this time there's so much more: new driver's license, car registration and plates, utilities set up, a million address changes....

So, naturally, I have created a binder (I almost bought one, but that seemed silly), with all of the things I can possibly think of that will need to happen before, during, and after a move. It's so far about seven pages long. Yep, I'm a nerd.

I'm also excited to have projects of my very own...someday. I hope to fix things up, decorate rooms, buy new furniture to help fill rooms, and maybe even garden...or try to garden. :) Even the prospect of mowing (ooh, going to need a mower), and scooping snow sound a little exciting to this perpetual renter.

So, with all the excitement, and the realization that this could take a while, my goal is to find a place, buy it, and move in by summer....we'll see. But I just wanted to share my enthusiasm with someone now. :)

Hibernation

A few weeks back, as the winds blew and the snow piled up faster than I could imagine, I complained to my friend Kristi that there must be some way that I could hibernate and skip the cold and snow and wintry months altogether. I assumed that it was simply an impossibility for humans...we're built to hustle and bustle and work too hard and remain plugged in to our many devices that we are so dependent on. But, as I found out this Christmas, it is entirely possible for a human to hibernate, even for a short while.

This Christmas, I headed off toward the folks' a day early due to impending weather, and I headed back to my little homestead a day later than expected for the same reason...leaving me at their place for six days instead of four. But I can't say I minded. All Christmas traditions (with the exception of a few little ones) were kept, and there were days to spare. My mom and I spent most of those extra days in pajamas, sleeping in way too late, lounging around, and eating far too much...sounds like hibernation to me. So, for six glorious days, I didn't check email, rarely checked my phone, did not get on facebook, did not do homework, did not even think about work... How glorious! It was true, real rest for the first time since probably last summer that I stopped everything to do nothing.

So, although I did not sleep until sometime mid-March when the grass begins to turn a warm shade of new green and peek up through the melting snow, I did manage to rest for nearly a full week, and that has made a world of difference. I'm ready now to tackle anything this new year has to offer. And although I may not have bounded out of bed this morning earlier than my alarm clock, I did manage to revel in the sunrise as I headed off to work, and that in itself felt a little like a new beginning, like the start of spring as those hibernating animals begin to shake loose from sleep. And it was good.

And I'm an idiot....

After all my troubles at the Wal-Mart the other day, I just happened to find both my debit card and my driver's license in a place I never put them....and definitely not in my office. In my house.

I'm an idiot.

At least I can get gas before I leave for work tomorrow.

The Wal-Mart Predicament

Disappointed, but not surprised. That's how I'm feeling after a rough experience at the local Super Wal-Mart last night.

I had mistakenly left my debit card and driver's license at my office on Thursday, and with the storm of doom passing over on Thursday night causing me to forgo any attempt at getting back to Dubuque at all, I debated shopping at Wal-Mart at all. But, I did have my checkbook, and in a moment of nostalgia, thought that I could actually use it as money. Scoff.

So, Friday night, I trudge out into the night, checkbook(only) in hand. I meandered the store for over an hour shopping for mainly groceries, but a few things that will remain undisclosed and proceeded to the checkout line. This is where everything went down.

After ringing up all my items, bagging them up, placing them back into my cart, I handed the cashier my check. She puts in through the little magic money machine and it kicks it back asking for a driver's license. I politely, and a little sheepishly let the lady know that I didn't have it. She let me know that I needed to show it or I couldn't pay with a check. And this point, I am flustered, to say the least. Tears are welling in my eyes, but I'm trying to remain calm. There are people behind me three carts deep, some of whom I think I recognize. I begin to quietly plead. "Ma'am, this check is all I have with me. I have nearly $100 worth of stuff here. I shop here frequently. Isn't there any way to pay with this check?" Now, I understand that I have a tendency to over exaggerate when storytelling, but today, I will stick to the facts. The cashier literally threw her hands up in the air and said, "I cannot override the computer system. There is nothing else I can do!" Refusing to let tears fall, but sounding and looking shaken, I ask to see a manager and was met with the response, "It won't do any good. They can't override the computers either."

I told her then, in a moment of desperation, that I could go get payment because I would still like to buy my groceries, but it would take me more than an hour since I would have to go and get it from Dubuque. I pointed out frozen items that I didn't want to go bad. She pushed the cart out of the way and told me, "I'll take care of it." I look around one last time hoping to find some salvation from the embarrassment I was in then pretty much ran to the doors.

I called Mom, a natural reaction to any uncomfortable situation, by now definitely crying, to which she responds, "Get back in there and demand to talk to someone. This is ridiculous. I'll pay for them over the phone..." (continued ranting on the phone). I walked back in, wiping tears, trying to act brave, Mom still on the phone, and walked to the Customer Service counter. Thankfully, one of my old student workers from fabulous UWP. I went straight to her, explained what had happened, pointed out the crabby cashier, and she said, "Oh, well, we can just take your social security number. No big deal."

Seriously? The solution was that simple? Oh, but the saga continues. They had to search a bit to find my cart, but it showed up at Customer Service, and I overheard the manager say to my friend, "Oh, she told me to get rid of this stuff." She had aborted the purchases rather than pausing it, and "took care of it" all right. I was gone all of 30 seconds, and in another minute or two, my stuff would have been back on the shelves. Imagine me an hour later returning with my debit card planning to purchase the items that cashier #12 said she would take care of for me. No one wants to see that kind of fury.

Needless to say, my buddy at Customer Service re-rang all of my items, took my social security number, and ran my check. That simple.

But here's my predicament now: I have always been a huge advocate of Wal-Mart as the only conglomerate that could really offer the best price and every item I could ever need in one place. You can find Wal-Mart's anywhere, and they're all set up pretty much the same. But because of the sheer size of the corporation, the number of customers they have, losing one is meaningless. There's zero repercussion to mistreatment or mishandling situations. Even if I never come back and somehow convince my friends to do the same, Wal-Mart feels nothing. And further more, where do I go to get all of my stuff? In a real city, you'd find me roaming local markets, whole foods stores, etc. But Platteville, Wisconsin? Not a lot of other options...Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Piggly Wiggly. Ugh. So, you probably won't find me boycotting Wal-Mart or convincing others to join my quest. But, I'm not all that happy about it.

Sigh. I'll probably get over it.

Cans of Worms

They never look as big as they are, you know. Those darn cans of worms look so small and harmless... It's just a little can, you reason with yourself, how bad could it be? But somehow, those little harmless looking cans of worms always shoot out those ridiculously oversized novelty worms that surprise everyone around. How do they do that?

So, today, I deemed myself the "Director of Cans of Worms Opening," as I somehow managed to not only open one, but nearly four separate cans. There was much surprise and shock around me as everyone reacted to the explosion of novelty worms. It just didn't look that bad before I opened it, you know?

One issue that I cracked wide open was a budget issue which was, of course, connected to a student organization issue which quickly became an all student organizations issue which then became a potential advisorship issue. Oh, and don't forget the little bookstore issue I managed to attempt to open up. That one didn't explode quite so violently, although it still may tomorrow.

Now I find myself left with lots of worms lying around and everyone looking around in disbelief. How did all of that possibly happen in one day? I have no idea, but it had to be done. And now we move forward. As a wise man once told me, "Working here is like clearing a minefield with a hammer. Good luck." I guess it just shouldn't surprise me anymore. But worry not! As Director of Cans of Worms Opening, there will be much more of this action taken, but in a few short years, we'll have it all sorted out...all the worms cleaned up and all of at least the big cans opened. Until then, hold on to your hats and watch out for flying novelty worms...there will be many more.

I Wrote You a Letter...

Dearest friend,

I just want you to know that I've been thinking about you a lot in the past few days. Between all the illnesses that have been floating around that I know you've caught a few of, and knowing that by now you're probably feeling pretty overwhelmed by the quickly approaching holiday season, you've been in my prayers.

I know there's always so much to be done around Christmas time...family, presents, food, trees, lights, travel, church...and we far too often allow the hustle and bustle to take us over. Christmas seems to lose it's meaning through all of the wrapping paper, miles driven, and meals stressed over. It becomes a little bit more about the planning and the stuff and the commercial and the bah humbug with each approaching day.

So please, take a few minutes today and sit, just stop and sit, and reflect on how incredible Christmas really is, what is truly means. Savor all of the blessings, traditions, and and moments that you have been given. Breathe deep the wonders of what you have right in front of you, and praise God for the best gift ever given. Be in awe today of that gift, and remember it for what it really is.

Jesus. King of Kings. Lord of Lords. Righteous. Holy. Pure. Messiah. Teacher. Redeemer. God Incarnate. The Only Savior. Our Only Hope.

So, take care this Christmas season. And don't let the meaning of Christmas escape your heart. I love you dearly, and I always will.

Lindsey

So Good

What is it about this season? And is it the season outside that has made me so reflective lately, or is it perhaps the season of my heart right now? As the weather transitions quickly from fall to winter, it seems that my heart is transitioning into a time equally as poetic and graceful as the fluttering flurries and flakes outside my window today. God has given me the gift of contentment, and what a marvelous gift. I'm learning what it means to appreciate things, to truly appreciate them for what they are, allowing them to just fill and warm me up, to just be able to dwell on them for a bit and savor what they are.

Right now, I'm learning about gifts...not my own gifts, but gifts that are given to me. Never have I seen so many gifts given to me in my life than right now. Time with family, a beautiful snowfall, Christmas concerts, chapel and church services, holiday parties...they are all gifts. People have worked hard to give me such gifts. How can I not have a deep appreciation for them? Last night, I went to a program on campus called Christmas on the Quad. It was a magnificent performance of bell choirs, several choirs and instrumental groups on campus followed by the lighting of the official campus Christmas tree. My heart was torn with emotions, half was swelling with appreciation and gratitude for the gift presented, and the other half was stomped on by those who did not appreciate the gift at all. My eyes welled with tears more than once for both sides of my heart. How can I teach gratitude? Can it be learned? I want so desperately to teach it to others so that their hearts can be full and contented as mine is.

In my quarterlife days, I find myself, not struggling over where or who I should be, but rather, I find myself finally breathing deep the goodness that life has to offer. I can feel the wonder and magic of tradition and the building of memories. I can feel God working in my life to refine me further and bring me closer. How thankful I am!

I want to share this with everyone. I want to spread this feeling....but how? How do you show someone the way to contentment? To love? To wonder and gratitude? To a full heart? Oh, I wish I knew. I wish you could know this as I do right now. How I pray that I will never turn back from this. It is so good.

Brokenness

Today's sermon was extremely timely (it can be found here). In fact, many things have been timely in my life right now...

The past few months have been filled with burdens, hardship, and an overwhelming sense of there just being too much to deal with. I felt in constant battle with myself trying to figure out life and how to balance everything. I had built up frustrations and all sorts emotions that I felt I was losing control of. What was I doing wrong? Life didn't seem this hard before. Not only was I frustrated with myself, I was beginning to get angry with God. God, why are you doing this to me? Can't you make it better?

But God never promised an easy life with Him. In fact, He let us know up front that this life would be full of trials, hardship, and struggles. But why? 2 Corinthians 4:7 spells it out pretty simply, "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us." We are vessels easily broken to show that it is God and not us. We are completely and utterly dependent upon God.

So, I have been reminded today that the brokenness that I have felt, and others have plainly noticed, has not been in vain. It was a time to be used as a reminder, not only for me, but for others, that God needs to be in control. And, frankly, I'm thankful for the reminder.

The Fight

I wanted to run away. I wanted to yell, "No! Stop! Don't go on. I'll still pay you for the show if you just quit now." He wasn't funny. My heart was breaking as he continued on stage. What are we teaching?

Tonight's comedian on campus was, as you can imagine, somewhat less than wholesome, and I was embarrassed and crushed that that's what we ask our students to come and enjoy. All of his jokes were about sex, sexuality, appearance, race...every nasty and foul word in the book was said, even after I asked that he not use one specific foul word. We paid money for this? I am sickened.

On the drive home tonight, I couldn't help but reflect on how much damage had been done. We actually offered credit for a class for students to come to this garbage. I feel so ashamed.

As of late, I have felt more and more called into the position I have been placed. I was called to the University of Dubuque to offer what God has given me to change the world one student at a time. I have high expectations of students and try to teach them what God has taught me. It is a daily fight to get through to students who may or may not have ever heard the Word of God. And so quickly, so easily, it feels as if it has all come undone. All the effort, all of the prayers, all of the lessons. One guy can come and just seemingly undo it all.

The good news in all of this, however, is that Satan's power through this nasty little comedian is, at best, fleeting. God's power in these students' lives is eternal. So, although I am embarrased and discouraged tonight, tomorrow I come back fighting the cause that God created me to fight....because I know He can win. He has already won.

Political Apprehensions

I have to admit that this year's race to the presidency has had me a little anxious. I read up on the candidates, felt fairly knowledgeable on the main issues, and really actually had an interest in politics and the political process. None of those things made me particularly anxious. My issues lay in trying to decide what my beliefs are not who's beliefs I will follow. Sounds silly right?

I was raised a Christian girl, and I firmly hold to those beliefs, but oh, how I wish it was that simple. Take the issue of abortion for example. And please don't flog me for my opinions at the moment. I believe that abortion is bad. It's real bad. I would never - ever - have an abortion under any circumstance. But what about victims of rape or incest? How can I decide for them that they should keep that baby? Impossible for me to imagine the feelings associated with something so terrible. And think of the travesty that would take place for those that would get abortions anyway. The only place to turn when abortion is illegal is back allies or basements with unqualified surgeons...

To reiterate here, I'm not saying that I think we should make it legal either. That would give those with no excuse an excuse to end a human life. I know it's wrong, but....

See my issue here?

Here's another example. Gay marriage. Again, I don't enjoy public floggings so much, so please just let me throw some thoughts out there... Some states are beginning to recognize gay marriage and equal partnership for heterosexual and homosexual couples. I know that I believe that being gay is wrong, but didn't Jesus love people anyway? I know and love gay people. In my mind, there is a difference between a Biblical marriage and a legal marriage. On this issue, I'm actually pretty sure that I fall toward the allowance of gay marriage and gay couple rights. But is it right?

So, my head is convoluted with all of this right and wrong. Part of me thinks that this nation was founded on the principles of religious tolerance. Settlers came to this land wanting something more than persecution for their beliefs. Shall we now persecute those that don't believe the same as us? And part of me thinks that if everything is relative and there is no absolute truth, then we have nothing to stand on and nothing to fight for. Shall I compromise my beliefs and allow the nation to fall into a shallowness of anti-belief and relativism?

And let's not forget issues of terrorism, war, health care, the economy, employment, poverty, taxes....

So, I am anxious. I am anxious to see what our nation will look like when I have children and even grandchildren. I am anxious to see if I even get to keep my job or the pay that I get for the next year.

When asked on Wednesday if my candidate won, I simply responded, "Um...ask me again in a year or two; I'll let you know."

The Search and the Slumlords

As many of you know, I have been searching for a new place to live since my recently new employment at the University of Dubuque. Now, I'd ordinarily probably keep my little Belmont apartment, but with the crazy hours and days that I work, I'm getting rather sick of driving back and forth in the middle of the night. Do you have any idea how much deer and raccoon carnage there is going on during this season? Gross.

So, I've been pretty diligent in the last two or three weeks to put myself out there and truly search. I had been "searching" before that, but not very hard or for very long at a time...I can't say it's my favorite thing to do. And in the last few weeks, I have probably seen the best and the worst of what this ridiculous town has to offer. I have seen the downtown, the uptown, the west side, historic districts, the Point district, the Grandview district, college neighborhoods, and slums. I have seen one bedrooms, two bedrooms, a three bedroom, a warehouse, a studio, old houses, apartment complexes, duplexes, tri-plexes, four-plexes, and even a penthouse. I've talked with rehab project enthusiasts, general managers, kind old women, and a few jerks. And, I am sad to report, my thirst for a decent home has still not been quenched...not even close.

Well, I was close...twice. Once I was down on Main and witnessed my dream apartment being snatched out from underneath me as I was second in line for a lease, and once on South Grandview with the same outcome, only perhaps the place was a little less dreamy.

Oh, the stories I have for you my friends...

The first big shocker was seeing the warehouse. This place was not advertised. I just happened to call someone who had an availability down in the warehouse district...the up and coming sweet spot for the young professionals in the area (scoff). It was going for $550 a month and it was huge, 3000 square feet. I was impressed and perhaps a little delusional, so I asked to see it without asking any other questions.

We stood outside the place, in the agreed upon location for probably fifteen minutes or so before Handy Andy stepped out and asked if we needed any help. Nice. He graciously offered to show us the apartment. We went up some stairs to the second floor and he rolled open the big freight door. Wow, just like the movies... Inside we found a huge expanse of a room...the floors were warehouse floors, the walls, warehouse walls, the windows, old and rickety windows, just like a warehouse would have. Holy crap, this is a warehouse... The "kitchen," and we'll use that term lightly, was an olive green refrigerator with dents in the front and a basin sink that may or may not have actually been hooked up to running water. No stove, no oven, no cabinets, no counters... The "bathroom," an equally lose term, did indeed have three and a half walls around it. No door. A toilet, also olive green in color, and a tub. Both looked, much like the fridge, like they had been recovered from a landfill somewhere. Oh, did I mention there was no sink in there? The bedroom, and by this time, I was surprised to see an actually bedroom, consisted of three and a half walls, propped together, constructed out of plywood. No door, no windows. Only half of the apartment was heated, and I don't recollect any outlets per say...or lights? Maybe. I was a bit overwhelmed, creeped out, and disgusted that I had wasted my time. It was fantastic.

We, oh, and when I say we, I do mean me and Mom, who was with me for part of the excitement last week...looked at a place that we were convinced was a whore house. I'm still pretty sure it could have been. The owner was this really old lady who referred to all of her tenants as "girls." All the cars in the garage stalls were nice, new, and clean. And the building looked remarkably kept up on the outside. I've probably seen too many bad Lifetime movies about brothels in my day... The place was itty bitty, but from now until forever, regardless of its actual status, it will always been known as the whore house to me.

And of course, one of my biggest battles was with a lady I have been calling "Crabby Kathy." They own probably a million places around town, and all of their signs say, "Pets OK!" and a phone number. No company, no last name, always just Kathy on the phone. I called her sometime last week inquiring about some places. At first she didn't answer. Then she called me back, only to hang up on me half way through to talk with the Claims Court, and never call me back. I talked with her a few days later to try to set up an appointment and she said it would take a few days to get organized, that I should call back on Monday. I didn't. And on Tuesday, I didn't. On Wednesday this week, she actually called me, I was pretty amazed, only to ask me to call back on Friday morning to set up the official time and place that we would meet. Sure, it's not like I don't have a full-time job or anything, I can just come and go as I please...sheesh! So, this morning I call and left a message asking if I could see places at 9:00. She didn't call back until 10:00 and couldn't meet then, but she would call me. I requested not to call between 3:00 and 4:00 as I'd be in meetings. At 3:17 my phone rings. Nice. By now, I was actually done with my meetings, but I was pretty steaming mad. But Crabby Kathy said she'd have time "right now" to show me the places I was interested in. Sure, so I jump in my car and fly down Grandview...only to stand on the curb for nearly twenty five minutes. Really nice. And the best part? Crabby Kathy didn't get out of the car! Mr. Crabby Kathy, who never introduced himself, just got out of the Escalade (clearly making some good money in this business), and walked to the door, opened it, and then looked at me until I walked up to him. Seriously?

Needless to say, I still have no idea what I'm going to do about a place to live. And I'm pretty crabby myself in trying to sift through it all. Sigh. I'm this close (can't you see me in my flaily story style showing you my two fingers very close together?) to giving up completely and dealing with the drive until I calm down. And I'm even closer to just buying a house of my own (if only I had some credit!).

If anyone out there has any suggestions, now would be a really good time to share them...because clearly I am about the unluckiest person when it comes to hunting for a home. I could really use some help. Sigh...again. I cannot wait for this all to be over.

Unapologetically Optimistic

So, at work the other day, we had this professional development discussion revolving around three articles the president of the university had written throughout different points of the school developing in the last ten years. It was all about the mission and vision of the university and how we need to use that as our guiding statement(s) to reach the better, brighter future in which we are constantly striving.

Some had great points to point out, and some had questions to be questioning of, but some found areas to pick at, finding contradiction and maybe even controversy. I really have no problem with that. In fact, I found the whole conversation to be quite enlightening. After the formal conversation, I was still curious, so I roamed around the office, as I usually do, just continuing the conversations from where they had left off. I talked to those that contributed about as much as I did (which was nil) to see how they felt about the talk. And to my dismay, many were unhappy with the result. Some were frustrated, for others it was above their heads, others, perhaps, were just bored with it.

That was a very lengthy introduction for me to get to the main point. For me, I enjoyed the very thought of having a conversation about a Presbyterian, or Reformed, outlook and mission for our work. For me, I translate that to mean, I was created to do the work that I am doing. I was created to touch students' lives, to impact them directly, and hopefully to guide them toward wanting more for themselves...to want to do what they were created to do. That is, indeed, my very life goal, my mission on earth, and in my job, and in my personal life, and in my down time...it is who I strive to be.

The point was made, in frustration I believe, that "we're not there yet...we're not even close." But I would argue, doesn't it matter that we're striving to get there? Isn't there some positive motivation just knowing we're talking about it? True, we're not there yet. I've seen more road blocks and stumbling stones left in my path since I go here than in anything else that I've ever done. And I'm sure others see it the same way in what they do. But I'm not sure that the point is that it is easy. The point is, we're working toward something that's bigger than ourselves. And that is never easy.

The follow up conversation is one I have had many times with many leaders and passionate people. It was about the "us" versus "them." What I mean is, there are those of us that truly care, that work our hind ends off to do a little good, to try to make our impact on others in a positive way. And then there are them, those that are in it to get the paycheck, to do a job, and to go home. There are those of us that put in extra time, shed a few extra tears, and say a few extra prayers. And then there are those that show up late, leave early, and are rarely fruitful in their pursuits. For those that are the "us," life is not easy. It is a minefield that you are forced to clear with a hammer. It is a constant battle trying to create buy-in from others to jump on the hardworking bandwagon just because its good. It is a streak of insanity that won't let us quit, or slow down, or even take a breath. Often times people like "us" struggle with wanting to give up, desiring to be one of "them" because it is clearly easier and more peaceful in the here-and-now. But the moment we give up, the very instant we stop fighting, working, and caring, is the moment we become one of "them."

For a very short time, I became one of "them" at my old job. I became jaded, foul, and harbored a great amount of bitterness toward everything. I became lazy, complacent, and selfish. And I began to hate who I was. It wasn't self-rewarding, in fact, nothing about it felt good. I quit that job as soon as I could to remove myself from the situation and the people who had caused me to join "them," but the change actually had to come from within me, not from a change in my circumstances. I quickly came to find out that there are both teams everywhere, and "they" are always the bigger team. The fight will always be there to fight.

Knowing that, one of two things could happen. I could feel defeated, slump my shoulders, and convince myself that it is simply not worth fighting for... Or, I could be unapologetically optimistic, always looking at the brighter side, knowing that even if I am the only one fighting for "us," I am making a difference. I am changing people's lives. I choose the latter option. And I urge you, don't give up! Keep fighting! "They" can't win as long as "we" never give up.

The Lost Year

It seems that every year at about this time, I tend to reflect on the year that has passed, once again, in a blur. There is just something about watching the landscape change so drastically that gets a person thinking about all of the changes in their own lives. The fields turn to a golden glow and quickly disappear through harvest. Trees turn a fiery red and yellow, and even smells of the season tell you change is on the way.

As I evaluate the year that has so quickly passed away, I honestly wonder what has happened. For the past few years, if you look back into old blog posts, journal entries, or conversations with loved ones, I have contemplated if life could go any faster. With every year that I grow older, time seems to only progress faster. But this year seems to have disappeared completely from the history books. Never have I experienced so much and remembered so little.

In the last year, I learned how to travel in Chicago, became a girlfriend, switched jobs, bought and put ten thousand miles on a new car, invested my money, experienced Shakespeare, planned an orientation and a homecoming, and worked myself crazy and exhausted. And I'm sure that so much more has happened besides this random sampling, but I'm not sure I can honestly remember it.

All of this insanity and breakneck pace begs the question, When does life slow down? When do you we truly get to stop and smell the roses or even stop to see them? I look ahead to the future and only see more of the same chaos that has been my life this year and wonder if I'll ever really savor it, enjoy it. I want to breathe life in deep and revel in the feeling of it in my lungs. I want to nourish the great loves of my life and let them well up in my soul to feel full and content. Where do I find that in the complexity of life? In the busyness? I know it is there, it surely must be. But this year, although wonderful and full of memories to enjoy, was almost lost in the shuffle of life.

I refuse to lose any more years. I want vivid years full of embraced joys not rushed requirements. I want a full heart not a full schedule. Next year at this time, I will not write another "lost year" post. Life is so short, a fleeting moment. I will live a life that is full of warmth, memories, joys, and loves.

Breathe life deep into your lungs and revel in the feeling of it in your lungs.

You betcha, Joe Six-Pack!

Well, we survived it, and without any major train wreck. I can't claim I watched all of the debate, although that was tonight's intent. Phone conversations, Facebook, and homework all were necessary interruptions. But I think I got most of the main points. And I have to say I was a little surprised that Sarah Palin didn't end up falling on her face. She generally held her own on most topics, but then again, she just decided not to talk about the issues she didn't know anything about. I wouldn't go so far as to say that Sarah Palin "killed it...she was the lead..." as one of the analysts noted, but she also just didn't get killed as I think most of America was waiting to see happen.

So what does this mean for the future? I can't claim to know where this will fall, but I can say that I am extrememly interested to find out. What a time in American history to be around to remember. Someday, my grandchildren will look in their history and government text books in their high schools, and they will read about what I will be able to recall.

Although I still am not 100% on my vote (to the dismay of my parents that will vote one way, and my friends that will vote the other), either way, we...I will help make history. (I'm going to need to read up a little more and do some fact checking!)

So Sarah, you may be a moron, you may not stand for women's rights as some think you should, you may say things like Joe Six-Pack, You betcha, and Drill, baby drill!, but you go with your history-making self. And Joe, you go too...although you are not nearly as interesting. But I won't believe for a moment when Ferraro said that she didn't believe that VPs were really all that important in a presidential election decisions. You're kidding right? Maybe once this is all over, the votes are cast and there is a president in place, we'll look around and remember how unimportant we think they are...but tonight? I'm pretty sure the VPs are making a difference in people's minds.

The Tower of Babel

Do you ever get the feeling that you and the person you are talking to are speaking two different languages? You're both saying exactly what you mean, but somehow, the message is not getting across? I had a moment like this today. I had made what seemed to be a reasonable request...a yes or no question really, and received an answer that felt like an ambush. There may or may not have been tears as a result on my end...but only for a second.

The truth of the matter is, we each express ourselves in unique manners, and the odds are, at some point in your life, you'll run into a person that communicates and expresses themselves in the polar opposite of you. But what is one to do? Even if you understand that there are differences, and even if you manage to figure out what those differences are, there is still little to be done to overcome them.

I would suppose the only thing to do would be to take a deep breath before every conversation, realizing that it is only going to go so well. Make adjustments to attempt to speak the other language, but know you'll probably sound like a foreign tourist to the other. And make adjustments in your brain to accommodate for the difference as you hear it.

But what I really wonder is, what is God trying to accomplish through all of this confusion? Is there some end result that can be positive? Some days I feel like I'm standing at the base of the Tower of Babel wondering, Does anyone speak my language?

Mental Health

Life had been spinning a million miles a minute. And it seemed that it was harder and harder to try to keep up. I was getting frustrated, anxious, and exhausted over the little things, and my walls were wearing thinner and thinner. So, today, I actively chose to take a mental health day. I could have taken another day filled with anxiety and maybe some tears to try to get a little more homework done or a little more work done. But I chose to put it aside. Since Sunday's were designed to be days of rest anyway, it only felt right.

My parents came up to see me which was just what I needed for a little rest and relaxation. Somehow they always know how to cheer me up, give me whatever pep talk I need to hear, and feed me well. (Who doesn't love the Belmont Truck Stop?) I made the decision that even if we did nothing all day, I wanted to cancel all my other things just to do that. So I did. And I am thankful. It gave me a chance to reevaluate where I'm at and what I'm doing to myself. I needed to reprioritize things.

There are a few important lessons I have gleaned from my reflections today:
1) Family knows best. If they're worried about you, chances are, something's not right. Go with their instincts. Spend more time with them. Enjoy just being with them.
2) Working hard is important, but working yourself to death is ridiculous. Work hard while you can to do good where you can, but leave it at work when you go home. It will be right where you left it tomorrow.
3) Don't allow discouragement to creep in. It's a sneaky little character. You don't really know it's coming up on you until it's nearly devoured you. You will fail at something or other. You can either be brokenhearted and discouraged, or you can take good notes and improve for the next time. This is tougher stated than executed.
4) Take a day and use it for reflection. You can get so far out into your own little world that you lose all perspective of what's really going on around you. Use a day to reflect on reality and go from there.
5) Remember you are human. Humans are not perfect. They do not succeed all the time. They cannot do everything on their own. Rely on others when you need help. Accept the things you can't change anyway. Use positivity daily. Know that God is in control. Cry. Laugh.

As I go to bed tonight, I continue my reflection of recent life. It has not been an easy few weeks. And there's not guarantee that the next few will get any easier. I will just have to take them as they come and pass them on to God. Ups and downs will be all over the road of life. But after every down, there must come an up. So tonight, as I drift away to dreamland, I can smile, knowing the up is on its way.

A Moment of Bliss

At this moment I should be doing my homework, but I just wanted to share one quick thing.

Tonight, I went to a new staff/faculty gathering at the President's house for dinner. I for sure didn't know anyone there, but in my usual fashion, it didn't take long for me to find a conversation buddy (a preacher from Chicago now teaching Greek at the seminary), and then a conversation circle. The food was delicious, the conversation lively, and the atmosphere in the house was light and overall pretty laid back.

For about an hour and a half I spent my time with the new staff members, many of them teachers. I found myself a little out of my element because I was one of the only non-teachers in my particular conversation circle. People began to leave, and I was left without chatting buddies, but I had noticed that Jeff and Dana's babysitter was an RA from campus that I had gotten to know somewhat in recent weeks.

Fairly awkwardly, I asked Dana (who I had only met once before and had never been in her home) if she would mind if I slipped downstairs for a bit to say hi to Sam and to play a little with the kids. Let's face it, although the networking was great, the meal was great...I'd much rather be in a room with a bunch of kids. And the Bullock's have three awesome boys. For nearly an hour we played an odd combination of Hide and Seek, Marco Polo, and Hot and Cold. We wrestled, we tickled, we jumped around like goofballs. And then everyone else went home. I made pretty fast friends with the guys and ended up reading the two little ones bedtime stories and tossing the dog a ball for a bit before I headed home.

Amongst all the sadness and grief around campus lately, tonight was a moment of bliss. A short time to just be a simple, fun-loving, goofy, crazy kid. Why in the world don't we do that more often? I had such a great time, and although it may not have been the greatest first impression for the President and his wife, it was sure worth it.

Strength

Today is what is hopefully the end to a very long, sad few weeks in the UD family. A memorial service commended Lisa's life into God's hands and gave a feeling of finality to the tragedies.

As a staff person on campus, I've felt the need to be strong for those that needed comfort and a listening ear and arms to hug. For the most part I managed to hold together, shedding only a few tears when certain memories come to mind. But today, I began to doubt my strength. I felt myself beginning to unravel for just a moment. And I wondered, What happens when I don't have any more strength to share? But God continues to provide, and in that moment of doubt and fear, He brought a warm smile and an arm around me from a person who knew I would need it. We didn't exchange a single word. She was just there. And sometimes that is enough.

We can't always be the strong ones. We're all only human. But that's the great thing about our infinite God. He already knew there would be times when we would be weak, times we would be scared, times we would want to give up or walk away. And He created others to fit into the spaces we can't fill ourselves. Like a brilliant million piece puzzle, we fit together in times of need, joy, sorrow, love, pain... These divine appointments get us through life, and we must know that it is not by accident.

Infinite God, in uncertain times, we run to You as our certainty. You are the Great Provider, knowing even beyond what I think I need for myself what my needs truly are. I run to You and praise You even when I don't fully understand You. For You are God, and that is all that matters.

The Word Accident

I have had quite enough of the word accident. I have heard it more in the last few weeks that I care to count. It used to be one of those words that you could use in casual conversation with little thought to the potential meaning. Now, it has become a word that shakes me on a deep level, making the world pause briefly one more time.

Today began with the word accident. "Pastor Ethan was in an accident." was one of the first things I heard as I walked into church to rehearse with the worship team. I couldn't breathe. Tears pressed forward as I fought them back. I can't handle any more accidents. Thankfully, he's fine. A few hours in a hospital is nothing compared to what it could have been. I pray thanks for that.

This afternoon a call came in for yet another UD accident. How could there be another one? Our little community cannot handle any more accidents. We all are in a state of shock...trying to pull ourselves together just to be able to function. There just can't be any more.

Through all of these accidents, I was reminded by a co-worker that we have two choices in times like these. We can either question God and be angry with His plan and decisions...claiming that He's not listening to us, not caring about us, not loving us.... Or we can run to God knowing that He is the only one that can provide us with the comfort and love that we need so desperately. We must remember that we don't always get to know or understand God's plan. It would simply be too much for us to handle. But He does have a plan, and it is all for good. We may not understand His plan or His timing, but we must trust that He loves us as His children, and He knows far better than we.

So as I hear the word accident again and again, even as it shakes me inside like few words ever have, I will run to my Father for comfort and care knowing He loves me dearly.

Pauses

Where do I start? How do I begin to write about something as tragic as two accidents, two injuries, and two deaths in two weeks? How can I even reconcile it with reality?

Thursday and Friday, the entire world within the University of Dubuque walls paused...perhaps even stopped all together. Everyone stopped to reflect on lives lost and already so dearly missed. We gave up on work, on some classes, on meetings...We spent time just sitting with one another, just being together. To us, it was perhaps a natural reaction. But a very strange thing happens through all of this...the rest of the world didn't pause. It doesn't stop. It keeps ticking away as it always has. Drivers drive their regular route home through campus and wonder for a moment why more people than usual are sitting together on the quad. Organizations come in for meetings on campus with no notice of the somber mood around them. Performers go about their acts and ask why attendance was low. To us, within the walls, it doesn't make any sense. Reality, for a few days, just can't line up with where we are.

But, eventually, reality and real life will align again. We'll go back to our meetings, our voicemails, our duties. Students will go back to studying and working hard. We're back to normal but somehow never the same. Whether we knew the young people whose lives were lost or not, we mourn for them, for their families, and for our community. We hurt because they are not here. We come together like we didn't know we could.

And that's the one great thing to come of all of this...if any great things can come of absolute catastrophe. What we once knew as colleauges, students, aquaintences are now all family. We talk, we hug, we laugh, we cry, we do it all together, much differently than before. So, as our world begins to come back to reality, I still pause, for just a moment, to reflect on the blessing of family...whatever form it may take. And through a few lingering tears, I can smile.

Where, Oh Where

It is days like this when I truly wonder where the times goes.

Today, I was sitting down in a moment of rest, and a co-worker says, in reference to my act of momentary peace, "And you wonder why you have to put in 12-hour days..." as if somehow I must waste away my days doing very little but sitting around. He laughed, I laughed....but I didn't think he was actually all that funny. I get maybe ten minutes in a normal day to actually sit and rest. I don't think that the average person would be able to keep up with me. And if I'm completely honest, if I really stopped to think about it, I bet I wouldn't be able to keep up with me.

Usually I'm up at some ungodly hour before the sun even dares to peek its sleepy face over the horizon. I am the first to work nearly everyday. The only one who ever beats me is the creepy custodian that is always in my office (another story for another day). It is a more familiar day when lunch is missed due to meetings or just the general scurry of the day than days with a lunch break built in. Many afternoons and evenings are filled with meetings of student groups or events like the Foam Party (also another story for another day). Dinner, if I remember, is usually fried food from the Union or some stale chips and a soda from my desk drawer. And when I finally get home, much after the sun has hidden back away for another night, I have a pile of homework to do....

As such was today's case, you find me here, computer in my lap, just finishing up my day...at 20 to 12....make that 5 to 12. It's nearly tomorrow, and I'm still wrapping up today's happenings. I'm just not convinced that they human body is meant to work like this for long. But I suppose it will for at least one more day. I guess I can sleep when I'm dead...

Enough of the pity party anyway. Despite the exhaustion and complaints, somehow, I still completely love what I do. One day, I guess I just hope to do it a little slower.

Days Like This

Perhaps now I get it a little more that I once did. All the hair-pulling, nerve-wracking, incredibly frustrating, crazy days are made worth it with one day. One day, that although not perfect, was absolutely good. A day that you know undoubtedly that you have changed lives, impacted families, and done good with the time given to you...that certainly makes all the rest worth it.

My Orientation "debut" went off with minimal hitches but rave reviews. Rain or not, didn't matter. Perfect or not, didn't matter. People smiled, mom's cried (it was move-in day after all), sessions were packed, comedians were funny, and dinner was serene (and dry...what a blessing!).

I do my whole job for days like these. I would work my whole life for one more day like this.

But I'm exhausted...and 4:30 is sooo early. No more ear-to-ear smiles for this girly...although I think the smile may stick in my sleep. More on this topic later.

Four O'Clock Hour

Today reminds me of my dad. In fact, it puts me especially in awe of my dad...not that I wasn't before.

The past few days I have been putting in twelve to fourteen hour days, working my butt off, trying to just do a little good. This has been a tough thing for me to cope with, and frankly, after a day like today, you're getting my last few cohesive thoughts that I can eek out. And I wonder how he does it. Every day of my very existence, and probably much longer, my dad has gotten up sometime during the four o'clock hour, worked all day long, come home to do projects around the house or play with us, head to bed during the ten o'clock news, and do it all over again the next day.

I won't pretend to understand what drives him to work so hard, but I desperately want some of that. At some point, you find yourself running on motivation and heart alone. Your body cries for you to just sit down, your mind feels like it has been through a meat grinder a few times, it's all you can do to keep from tearing up at your to-do list, and you begin to operate on some sort of fumes rather than fuel. Tonight I wonder if the motivation is enough to keep a person going, and if so, for how long. For my dad, it seems to be endless, just enough for him to roll out of bed in the four o'clock hour for one more day...again and again. And for me, I'm sure it will be the same. The pressure of being the new kid at work can't last forever, right?

If this post makes no sense, well, blame it on the meat grinder.

Banker Genes

I, quite unfortunately, have not acquired my mother's banker genes, or even my father's business-minded genes. This would not be such a problem, except for my newest job requirement: budgets. And it would probably not be such a problem with one budget to deal with, but there is not just one. There are, in fact, four budgets, each with ten to fifteen different accounts to keep track of, oh, and the one other budget with over twenty accounts that I need to keep an eye on.

Once, I attempted a general budget for my personal life (two accounts-checking and savings)...pretty predictable, pretty simple stuff. But with such a complex amount of dealings to deal with, I feel like I'm the frog in that Frogger video game of old (you know you've played it). Only I'm stuck somewhere in Level 22 where there are twelve lanes of traffic to cross each filled with perils of buses and speeding limos and such.

Now, don't get me wrong, I do actually understand the basic premise of budgeting. Money goes in, money comes out, start with so much, spend so much, end up somewhere near zero, or at least a positive number. Seems simple right? Well, so far, I've managed to take one of four budgets somewhere near $8,000 over. I have only worked in my office for five weeks.

Vrrooommm. *hit by speeding limo*

The Impact of Attitude

This seems to be a lesson I am constantly relearning in life. Attitude has such a profound impact on people in seemingly insignificant situations - it's astounding. In two different positions, at two different colleges, I have seen the catastrophic effect that a negative attitude can have, but I have seen it now, from two very different angles.

While at Platteville, I was slowly introduced to negativity. It wasn't an immediate thing. I started as an annoyingly perky, full-of-life, young and crazy-ambitious person. (What most of you know as me...) But after a while, the edge of my perk had worn a little dull, my glow was a little dim, and my ambition had dwindled with a pure lack of motivation. But after two years, what caused it all to happen? Where did so much apathy and melancholy come from? Without pointing any fingers (because it certainly doesn't matter now anyway) it was the people and the environment around me in which I was forced to interact. And instead of fighting for my very being to thrive and succeed, I conceded to the consensus of the group and became what they already were - negative. And it took me a little bit of reflecting, but I think I've finally figured out why. It was easier. And surely it was. After all, everyone else was doing it. Why not jump in and become what everyone else thought was ok.

But it was a lie. It wasn't who I was, what I felt inside. I fell into a trap and couldn't get myself back out of it. It got to the point where I had to leave....had to...because I felt like I had betrayed myself.

Now, on the other side of the coin, entering a new position at UD, where negativity on some parts was already firmly in place before I ever arrived, I have viewed first-hand just how poisoning it can be. People learn attitudes. They are not born with negativity, grumbling, and anger. You don't see two and three year old children walking around complaining about everything in front of them. It is learned. Just like I learned it at Platteville, others have learned it at UD.

The most unfortunate part of this story is that for some reason, which I have not yet been made aware of, negativity and positivity are so very, very different. A person can pick up a negative attitude in seconds, echoing a single grumble of one that can become the chorus for many. But positivity is looked on with some sort of disdain, as if to say, "What's wrong with you?" As if I should, by nature, be negative which seems to me to be inherently against our nature.

Regardless of the scoffing, the pity-smiles, and all that comes with being markedly different, I will keep pressing forward. If someone can learn a negative attitude, even if it is the easy route, then they surely can learn a positive one, even if it takes a lifetime. A wise woman named Rosemary once said to me, "Never give up your power. It's what they want you to do." At first, I didn't know what she meant exactly, but I've come to understand. They want you to be miserable...to join Team Negative...because once upon a time, they did. But if you stand firm in the things you truly believe in, you hold the power.

So, think about it next time you start to grumble about today's lunch not being all that great or you go to blame someone for something you feel was not right. A few quick works of negativity rub off in seconds, but it could take years to undo it again. As for me, although certainly not devoid of all negative thoughts, I will work to be intentional with every action, word, and even thought, in hopes that one day, my impact will be felt and overcome what has been previously set into place. Not the easy road, by any means, but the right road, the one I truly believe in.

Baptism by....

You know the old saying, "Baptism by fire"? Well, I feel like that has been what my new job at the University of Dubuque has been. In a month, I have managed to pretty much train myself (see Week 2, Done! for more details on my first few weeks), figured out how to manage running daily operations, worked (pretty well, if I do say so myself) without a permanent supervisor, taken the occasional verbal beating, and even (somehow) started some new initiatives (yikes!). And in two and a half short weeks, I will run an entire New Student Orientation four day weekend for the first time in my life.

Baptism by fire? More like baptism by meat grinder...or wolf attack. But luckily, I happen to really like fire, meat grinders, and wolves. Their crazy tactics don't scare me off. First ever UD Homecoming Parade??? Bring it on. Surely you didn't think you could shake me that easily, did you?

Here's a Good One

So, today I stopped by my old stomping grounds, UWP, to talk with Tara (who, by the way, may let me shoot off fireworks...another story for another day), and I ran into who would have been my old boss's boss's boss. Following me? He stopped me on the sidewalk and said, "Is today your last day?" I must have looked at him like one of us was the dumbest individual in the world. So, naturally I replied, "Last day for what?" He meant, of course, my last day at UWP....which was a month ago. Without meaning to I said, "Where have you been?" and he said, "Vacation." Oh, that would explain it. Without that little piece of information, I felt a little under-appreciated or even unnoticed. You know, like nobody would have noticed if I wouldn't have showed up for a month... neat.

I love my new job. :)

Week 2, Done!

Well, it seems that I have survived two weeks of work at my new place of employment. Let's recap:

My employment began with me being the first person to work on the first day...and everyday. Well, today we can count as an exception. I showed up at about ten after eight, and I was the second one there. Did I mention our days technically begin at 7:30? I think I'm ok with that though, although it is typically not my style to be tardy. But I know that as soon as things get rolling here, this is not going to be a typical job. Just overhearing some of the meeting times that will be set up in the fall, I'll be working until 10:00 or after most nights. I had better figure out how to be a night person again.

"Orientation" for new staff members is a term, that I have come to find, is used pretty loosely around UD. I think the working definition that they choose to use is something like throwing new people in their offices and saying, "Go!" Oh well. I had been warned of that in advance, so it shouldn't have shocked me. And for the most part, it doesn't matter too much. I just wander around the office asking random questions to random people until I get a reasonable answer.

Things I had to train myself how to do (so far):
-Logging into and using email
-Phone operations and voicemail
-Working hours and dress code
-Where to get my 40+ keys that I need

Things I was trained on (so far):
-The food in the break room is for everyone
-There's $1 refills for coffee and $5 lunch specials at Sylvia's

Despite the obvious rigors of the training schedule over the last two weeks, I feel that I have nonetheless picked up on a lot of things just from digging in. I have found a ton of files on my new computer that have proved themselves very helpful. I have an intern who knows a lot and is willing to share her knowledge with me. I have figured out some of the budget operations, a major achievement for someone who has never worked with a budget of more that a few thousand dollars. At UD they throw around a couple thousand on a single project, so you can about imagine the amount of money they're trusting me with.

So, all in all, I can say that the past two weeks have been a great experience for me. I'm getting a handle on things, asking questions, meeting new people, and learning new things everyday.

It Reminds Me of Snorkeling

Nothing like swallowing a little salt water to clear your sinuses. There has been a buzz around some circles that the contraption known as the Netti Pot is the way to clear out the crud. So, being as desperate as I was, I decided to try it...

And it probably would have worked fine, but my sinuses were bl-ock-ed! So, most of the salty saline solution just went up my nose and into my mouth...slightly uncomfortable.

It actually reminds me a lot of when I tried to snorkel in Mexico. I was so bad at the whole in-through-your-nose, out-through-your-mouth thing that I drank much of the ocean. A Netti Pot is a lot like that if you're not careful.

Go try it. It's quite the experience.

A Wonderful 4th, A Terrible Cold

Despite feeling a little like death due to a sore throat, what I will blame on tonsils, and a suddenly stuffy nose, that I will blame on allergies, or (if you ask Maggie) a mysterious bouncing virus, it was still a wonderful weekend.

I spent all of yesterday in Madison bumming around in some great spots in the beautiful weather...some of the best I can remember. Peter and I splurged on Michael's Frozen Custard...yum! And then we saw some spectacular fireworks. Today, we spent the day in Spring Green at a pool party getting scorched in the sun, eating junk food, and playing a little volleyball when the inspiration struck.

All in all, the weekend was great. I wish that somehow ever weekend could be that relaxed, that laid back, and that fun. In fact, I do believe the world would be a better place if weekends were used for what they were made for-rest! So what did you do this weekend?

Sitting Outside My Office

I have officially survived the first three days of my new job. And they have certainly been an interesting three days...not that I would have expected anything else.

My week began at my old office cleaning out my cubicle, making lists, tidying things up, all the things that one would usually do when leaving an office. Then we had one last lunch at the Asian Cafe...yum, and discussed the near future. I quickly realized that I was already a helicopter parent...the very thing that drove me out of my mind during registration this year. But when I really stop and think about leaving my "kids" to do their jobs at registration without me, I get all worried and want to be there with them. The Peer Advisors are very capable adults that can do their jobs well, so there is no reason for me to be there. I just wish I was.

But I digress. The very next day, Tuesday, I went to my new office. I was the first one there by quite a while, but, to my defense, no one had told me exactly when to be there, so I just had to guess. And, also in my defense, it is apparently a theme in the office to show up a bit late. But that's neither here nor there. There were some appointments set up for me on the first few days that included lunches and friendly encounters. At some point during day two, I met my new boss for the first time. She's new too, so that's exciting.

And this morning, I sat outside my office for a good two hours because I don't have any keys yet. The secretary forgot to tell me she wasn't coming in today. Mark, a nice guy that I work with, finally called security to help me out.

I will say that there have been some exceptionally positive aspects of the last three days. The first day, I got my photo ID all done, I answered the phone once, and there was a piece of mail in my mailbox with my name on the outside. Day two, I met my boss, took a tour or two, and started decorating my office. And day three, I managed to accidentally stumble upon my email account and I checked it and sent replies. So, I guess, it's all good. More to come on the new job front later.